When Your Mind Turns Against You...

In this deeply personal episode, I open up about receiving my diagnosis of OCD, anxiety, and depression, and the emotions that came with finally having language for a battle I had been carrying silently. As a Christian, I have wrestled with the tension between suffering and faithfulness: what it means to love God, trust God, and still be hurting. This is not a testimony of having everything figured out; it is a testimony of finding Jesus faithful in the middle of pain. I share the harm of a Christianity that dismisses real suffering, the freedom of recognizing that mental battles are not proof of spiritual failure, and the hope of believing in healing without demanding that it happen in only one specific way. Faith does not always look like being unbothered. Sometimes faithfulness is choosing to cling to Christ while your mind and emotions are weary. We do not follow an unwounded Savior, and we do not have to hide our wounds to prove we belong to Him.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hello, hello, you guys, and welcome back to Save Not Soft. If I'm already crying, that means something's happening. We're not gonna teach today, you guys. I don't know how to make episodes like this because I always teach. Today, I gotta tell you guys something. And I don't know how long this episode's gonna be. I don't know all of what I'm gonna get into, but I have to share where I'm really at right now of how these past few years have been so excruciating, and it has bled into every area of my life where I feel like I just have to urgently make this video because I feel like I feel like I owe it, and I feel like I can't rest until I just tell you guys where I'm at. This is already a bad start. Hope you guys are doing great. Happy Tuesday. I'm filming this Friday, May 22nd, and I want to come fully raw with my emotion, where I'm at, everything that's happening. I pray that this video is informational and simultaneously you're able to be heard, loved, and seen through it. That is my hope and my goal. But I'm probably not coming the most. I don't even want to use the word unwise because I don't believe that's right. I don't think I'm coming as poised as I would like to be. I'm coming very vulnerable. And there's some things I want to share with you guys that I cannot bottle in anymore. Because if I bottle it in, I will keep feeling guilty. And I have to say it. And no, I'm not dealing with a secret sin, and there's no infidelity in my marriage, and whatever it may be. I have been struggling mentally really bad the past two years, and it has played a lot, not just in this podcast, but in my life, in my marriage, in my friendships, in the way I think of myself, and more importantly, my faith. And it came from a multitude of different circumstances, one of them being a very traumatic event that happened to me that started happening about two years ago, but started exceeding rapidly in February of 2025 of constant spiritual abuse that really led my life to a terrible ruin in ways that I never wished for it to. I want to meet today that that was a partial truth. Yes, I was focusing on being a wife the first eight months of my marriage, taking a break off of the podcast. And the first I we're 10 months married. The first eight months that I took off, I was I was simultaneously dealing with severe symptoms of anxiety, depression, and OCD and suicidal ideation. Things that have still carried until now because of this traumatic experience that I am not explicitly sharing, not because I'm not bold enough, but because I'm honoring enough. And I am trying my best to go in front of a camera today to put on a smile, to just feel free from this obligation of everything because I'm just in so much pain. Yesterday, I got diagnosed with OCD, anxiety, and depression. And I don't think that's the hardest pill to swallow because I think I knew I always had it. I think it's everything that has led up to this point that has made me flat out miserable in my life. I have the greatest friends, I have the greatest husband, I have the greatest dog, I have the greatest home, I have the greatest parents, my mom, and I think my mom and my stepdad, I think of my brothers, and I think of people back home. I have such a great support system. I want to let you guys know that I went through something very hard that shot up everything in my life. And it has ruined almost everything. I know that this diagnosis on my life is something that has been the snowballing effect from when I was a child. It's okay, babe. You're crying. Sorry guys, this is just like really emotional for me, my husband. Do you want to sit here? Come sit here. You don't have to be in the camera, but just sit here. Malika and I have just gone through a lot this past year. And I think it's affected me in a way. Not that it hasn't affected him, it has, but it just triggering to me. I grew up wrestling with anxiety. I'm not claiming that OCD is mine and depression is mine and anxiety is mine. I'm not claiming any of those things. I'm claiming I wrestle with them, and I never want to promote a Christian life apart from suffering. Because I don't believe in preaching a Jesus that is unwounded. I believe in preaching a Jesus that testifies salvation and glory through pierced palms and feet. And if the Bible says that we must that we must endure hardships and sufferings like Christ in order to receive a further glory, I'm not surprised at the cup of suffering I've been drinking. And this wrest is something that I feel like most people would neglect. Emmy, you're a leader, you shouldn't be telling people you're struggling. I believe exposing the inner groanings and inviting your sheep into your wounds is how you break the 40% percentile of pastors cheating on their wives and pastors having some sort of infidelity with pornography or external sources. There is a vulnerability problem in leadership. And I'm saying all of this because I sense the Lord wants me to be a leader that breaks the stereotype. That I'm not okay, that I've been depressed out of my mind. There's days where I felt really suicidal, and there's days where I've been so anxious, and I want to talk about that. And this has not been easy. This has been the hardest things of my entire life. I've walked through very hard things in my entire life. I've walked through very hard things. I've walked through people breaking into my home. I've walked through a sexual assault. I've walked through parental abuse, emotional, verbal. I've walked through a lot. A lot of things that were incredibly difficult. And I never really was a person who allowed those hurdles to take me down. I always learned how to white knuckle and jump through them. Until this last year, it was a hurdle that was almost too big that didn't just attack my physical, my mental, or my social life, but it was almost a shipwreck to my spiritual one, due from spiritual abuse from an external source. One that I did not intend to get into, a problem I did not intend to get into. It was a traumatic event that happened to me that again I will not specify because it's just not the time. And I say all this to please not go on a manhunt, to please just honor what I'm sharing. Um where every day has not looked the same, and I have not sensed freedom for a long time because of this. And many of you are like, well, just take a break. I've done that a multitude of times. And I believe I could still teach, and I believe I could still do everything that God has called me to do at the pace He's allowing me to do it. Uh, still suffering because I know that sanctification is a process. I know plenty of other leaders who are very similar spaces as me, who still teach, preach, teach, whatever. I said teach twice. But just don't tell you about it. I just want to tell you about it. And doesn't make me better or worse. It just, this is just what is gonna happen for me, I guess, and what my journey looks like, and what I want to share with you guys, and the tone I want to set for my podcast, and the honesty and the vulnerability that I'm wanting to cast. And it's just as simple as I've been dealing with ruminating thoughts, compulsive thoughts, and very scary thoughts since 2021, and that was never manifested in my entire life. And I started dealing with very heavy symptoms of OCD that felt debilitating to my faith. And then on top of the OCD symptoms, I had a tragic experience happen to me. And not even to me, to me and my husband. Because it didn't happen to just me, it happened to me and my husband. And when that happened, it made my whole life blow up. And my gratitude in this is I believe the Lord has allowed this to happen. So I can finally learn how to slow down. We don't have set up and set down people. We have a Malik and an Emmy. The majority of the editing is me, all the posts, like just this alone and a job and moving and all these life changes. And I I've just moved my life very, very fast. And I believe stillness is what the Lord is teaching me. And I had the opportunity to not only assess what it is that I'm going through, because I've been going through therapy the past like year, but I was able to go to a clinic this past week. Malik and I went down to Miami and we went to Amen Clinics from Dr. A-Men. I've read tons of his books. I'm a huge fan of psychology. I'm a huge fan of brain health. I've always been great about learning. I I've always been curious about learning about the brain, learning about emotional intelligence that have been things I've just been fascinated with. I think an old mentor of mine really implemented that on the inside of me. And I'll always be grateful for her because of that. And always fall in love with psychology. And when I started noticing that the symptoms I was experiencing emotionally and mentally were getting so bad, I knew I needed to get help. And Malik and I both knew I needed to get help because things were just getting so bad. I call OCD the doubting disease because it trains you to doubt everything that is true. And it has played into every aspect of my life. It started when I was a kid and I didn't know it. And now I'm finally able to put language to it. When we went to A-Men Clinics, the reason as why I chose Amen Clinics is because not only is it ministerially based, but simultaneously I believe in the act of looking and prescribing instead of just blindly shooting in the dark. And I went to this clinic, I got a brain scan for two days and then had my final evaluation and got my diagnosis yesterday. I know this is like, oh, you just got your diagnosis and you're already making a video. Yes, because I cannot stop thinking about not making a video. This is OCD talking. I cannot stop thinking about it and telling you guys because I feel like I just need to be set free and I just need to say what I've been going through because I've been going through it for too long. And I don't want to feel like I have to keep owing people something for just getting up and leaving or taking a break off of social media or not posting on the podcast. I've been in and out of anxiety, depression, and an OCD the past few years. And yeah, the reason as to why I haven't posted this last month is because there's days where I can't get out my bed. Where I just I just can't. And I don't know why. And I used to never be like that, but right now I am, and we're figuring it out. And I have faith that the Lord is gonna heal me. I have faith. And I don't know when he's gonna do it, but I don't care about that. I just I just know that he is, and I know he's faithful, and I know he's teaching me something, and if I have to go through all of this to just be less of a teacher, more of a human, I'll do it. And if I have to go through this, so a few more people, even just one, I can give a fresher yes to Jesus. I would do it. I've shared with you guys everything. I believe I just don't think this is the soil that the Lord wants me to build, that He wants to build for this ministry. Because I don't want to preach a woundless Jesus, and I don't want to preach a woundless Christianity. This is very hard. And I fell for the lie that all of it was going to get better. It got harder for me, and I know plenty of leaders, lots that we look up to, that is going through very similar things. Please keep us in prayer. We are fighting for our lives and we care for all of you. And we want Jesus glorified. We want him glorified. When I went to Amen Clinics, they scanned my brain, and I want to show you my brain. Basically, what they scan, they do all the psychiatric testing. And on top of that, they do a blood flow scan of how much activity goes to your brain. This is a normal scan that you could see on the camera. If you're listening, you could probably go on YouTube and watch this portion because I'm not sure how to fully explain it. This is a healthy brain scan. This is the top of the brain, this is the bottom of the brain. All of the blue that you see is low activity, low to no activity. This represents calmness, restfulness. The red slash orangey that you see down here in the cerebellum is activity. The white is high activity. And so this is what a norm, normal, healthy brain looks like. Low activity in the prefrontal cortex in the middle of the brain and in the back of the brain, where the cerebellum is, is where you are going to see the most activity because that's where the majority of your brain cells are in the back of your brain. This is where fight or flight, this is where this is where everything is. Okay. This is a normal, healthy brain. This is my brain. And what this scan tells me and my doctors, which by the way, before all the spiritual people get all up in here, I believe medicine in doctors is still an extension of the healing ministry of Jesus. We see this in scripture. It's the reason as to why Jesus told the man to go walk, put to he excuse me, he spat on the mud, he placed it on his eyes, and he told tells the man to go and wash it off. Okay, there is such a thing as remedy. Okay, and even if that were the case, my psychiatrist was also a pastor. He was a psychiatrist's pastor, and then on top of that, all my medication is supplements. Glory to God. Okay, this is what my skin tells me. All of these places that are supposed to be resting are not. I know the word, anterior singlet gyr gyrus. And what this is, is this what tells us that I deal with OCD. And what OCD is, I'll break that down in a moment. I'll break that down right now. OCD is obsession-compulsive disorder. And what it is, is you get stuck in a thought. How this started for me was a few years ago in 2021, I had a thought that came out of nowhere and I didn't let go of it. And it threw me into anxiety attacks. It threw me in so much anxiety, just period, because it was a thought I would get in my brain that was very scary and I couldn't let go of it. And I was constantly anxious because of thoughts in my brain. Because thoughts come and go. But instead of thoughts coming and going, a thought would come and I would hold on to it because I thought it was dangerous. Does this make sense? So all of us have bad thoughts. All of us have bad thoughts that are what if I did this? What if I'm what if this happened? Whatever it could be. What ifs, whatever you want to name it, all of us have bad thoughts. People with OCD tendencies take those thoughts and they hone in on them and don't let them go. This is obsession. My obsession showed up, and yes, I'm saying my obsession, because I've had obsession my entire life. And I think it's okay to have obsession in correct godly form. My godly obsession came through studying scripture, through loving the Lord, how I'm able to retain scripture so well and teach and a lot of hobbies I've been able to develop and become very excellent in has come from obsession. And that same obsession was simultaneously a mental curse to me, trying, not even trying, staying stuck on things I never wanted to stay stuck on. So hyperactivity in the prefrontal cortex. And then right here we have the what is this one called? I forgot it already. Basal ganglia, which is right outside, still in the prefrontal cortex, on the outside of the brain. We see the high activity, and then we see the hyperactivity in the white. This is anxiety. This is what anxiety looks like in the brain. This all right here is mass anxiety. Always thinking, always preparing for the worse, always hyper-vigilant, can't seem to rest or to calm down. My bottom of the brain is normal. It's supposed to look like that. Glory. We have this white little dot in the middle, and not a little white dot, it's a big one, and we have the red activity around it. The red activity, again, active, white, hyperactivity. This is in the deep limbic system, limp limbic part, yes, of the brain. This is where your mood is, your emotions. This is this white dot. Is depression. This shows up in the brain. The brain keeps score. And so this isn't just something that's a spiritual phenomenon that Emmy's experiencing. This is clinically a problem I've been experiencing. And before I get the hyper-spiritualist people to say, well, Emmy, just pray it away. Have you not fasted? Have you not read the scripture that says only certain things come out by prayer and fasting? Have you not dedicated yourself to the Lord? Are you in secret sin? Is there something that's going on that has just happened? Maybe you're cursed. Maybe you're hexed. Maybe this is what's happening to you. Trust me, I've heard it all. And I don't believe that the Lord's sovereignty is built off of my specif my specifications of how I pray. I believe that the Lord's sovereignty is based off of his loving kindness. And when I tell you, and my husband, you can sit here right next to me in a tone, when I have rebuked every demon and devil known to man, this has not left. I want to talk about the real, the real tragedy and the real tension of being faithful and suffering. I could say this with the utmost confidence after warring the past few years, this happened to me not because I did something to myself, or because there's a curse or there's a spiritual something, or even because I'm in secret anything. This is happening because it's just happening. And a welcome to life, Emmy Pop. This has just been happening because this is what the Lord has entrusted me to go through. And I trust he's going to lift this cup at some point. But until then, this is my thorn. And I'm not going to preach a Christian life apart from thorns. I believe in the ultimate healing, miraculous power of the cross and the blood of Jesus, and it's incredibly and absolutely effective, which is why I'm still here. If the blood of Jesus was not effective, I would have actually ended my life years ago when all of this started. It is the blood of Jesus that has kept me. It's the blood of Jesus that makes Paul write. I do things I do not want to do, and yet I still do them. It is the blood of Jesus that keeps us and sustains us, even in the midst of suffering. And I don't want to go too pastoral or preachy. I just want to tell you where I'm at. And I want to unwrite and crucify this cultural Christian idea that we have made in the West that you cannot suffer and be faithful at the same time. They can both be true. I am a living testament that I am suffering and faithful at the same time. And I will be honest, it does not feel fair. It does not feel fair. It feels hard. It feels like days I cannot do it at all. Absolutely not at all. But it's the cup and it's the life. And I'm in a valley with an expectation that I'm gonna hit my mountain again, but I'm probably gonna hit another valley right after that. This is just the Christian life. And I think this might be the biggest valley I've ever gone through. And I hope it's the biggest valley, you know, for the history of my life. But as of right now, it's incredibly difficult. And I just want to set the standard. And I I don't even know how this video is coming off. I hope it's coming off kind and compassionate and real. Because I think what's been most frustrating about this entire experience of finding out I was diagnosed with OCD, anxiety, and depression is that none of this was spiritual. I cannot tell you the amount of times I felt not felt. It wasn't even a feeling or an experience. I was spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically neglected from my human experience because of this culture that Christianity has made that you cannot suffer as a Christian. And if you're suffering as a Christian, it's a demon. Or if you're suffering as a Christian, you sin. Or if you're suffering as a Christian, you don't pray enough. That is not the case. It's just simply not. We cannot preach a Christ apart from his wounds. And I just want to say this because I'm just coming very raw. I've been very tender and scarred very truthfully from bringing my pain to people who would just spiritually dismiss it through Gnosticism. It's deeply wounded me and it's wounding the body of Christ. It's like telling Jesus he shouldn't cry because it's like, well, you knew you were gonna go on that cross, and it's all spiritual, Jesus. You know? It's if if we're neglecting the heart cry of the sheep, I wonder how you would dismiss Jesus when he was suffering. I don't think Christians know how to actually suffer well. I don't think Christians know how to allow people to suffer and still let it be faithful. I think Christians want to rebuke suffering, but you cannot rebuke a season that God has ordained you to go through. You wanna how I you want to know how I know you could be faithful and struggling at the same time. And you want to know how I'm dealing with the diagnosis of OCD, depression, and anxiety at the same how I'm dealing with the diagnosis of OCD anxiety and depression, and know that it's not a demon or a sin or an external source is because I believe that when I say I rebuke you in the mighty name of Jesus, that if it were a demon, it would leave. Because that is what the Bible says it would do. Demons do not have power over the name and the blood of Jesus. And so if I'm rebuking the same demon over and over and over again, the demon of OCD, anxiety and depression, which by the way, I don't think is any real things. But it didn't. So what do you do? You wrestle with the thorn. It's not who you are. I am not my OCD, I am not, I'm not anxiety, I am not depression, I'm not OCD, I'm not any of those things. And I wrestle with it. I wrestle with it. And I don't know how we got to a culture where we can't say those things. I don't know how we got there. It's very performative. And if I could heal a bit faster just because I brought it to the light, I'm gonna do it. Now you guys know how to pray for me. I believe the prayers of the righteous are effective. How can we pray effectively if we don't know what we're praying for? So I'm done praying in the dark. I'm done telling people I'm not struggling when I actually am. And just telling you guys where I'm really at. Please pray for me. And when you guys comment and you DM me, and even the people in Safe Society, and you're telling me what you're going through, specifically to the T, and it's very vulnerable, I thank you, sheep, for doing that. And I believe the Lord honors your vulnerability because it allows other people on their watchtowers to pray for you effectively. I don't want to run this Christian life blind. I want to know the hurdles I'm jumping over. And if I can't identify it, I'm gonna keep tripping over it with a name. Without a name. And plenty of people will be watching this of Emmy, you don't need to say any of this. I don't. And who says I also do at the same time? I don't know. It's just it's just very interesting. It's something I'm trying, it's something I just want to be vulnerable about. I never want to give this perception that Emmy is so closed off, and Emmy is too much of a teacher, too much of a pastor, has too high of an anointing to not be broken and to not share it. I want to always, always live a life that shows how needy I am of Jesus. That the revelation and the teachings I get and the things that I do is not because Emmy is doing all of these things, it's because of the grace that God has placed on my life. That's Romans 12. Our gifts are given by the grace of which God has dispersed. And that's just the reality. This podcast isn't the end game goal. This is just a stewardship tool. And I believe I could just set the tone by saying, I'm just so needy for Jesus. And you know what? I'm glad I can identify where I need him. Because now I'm hopeful he could actually fill it. Because when I didn't know where I needed him, how did I know where he was supposed to be filling and answering and knocking? Do you get what I'm saying? I want to encourage us to not be so timid to understand. Just because you don't want to say the name to what you're struggling with, do you not think God is not blind? The Lord saw this brain scan before I saw it. He knew the name of CD anxiety and depression before I did. And I just have to say this plainly. If I have to get up and leave to go be with the Lord, and I'm supposed to post next Tuesday, and I was supposed to do this ad deal, I have to follow the voice of the Lord. And I I just have to be honest. Like this is the most honest podcast I'll ever do. I'm not doing any of this for me. I haven't been paid from this for years. I know plenty of people who do podcasts, and they got their ad agencies and et cetera, which by the grace of God we just signed to one. But for four years, like none of this has ever been for this. Cameras and lights and pedestals and pulpits, but because of the fear of God on my life. And because of compassion for the sheep. The only reason why I do this. So the love of God, the fear of his word, and the compassion I have for his people. That's it. I don't do this for anything else. I gain nothing telling you any of this. He gains everything me telling you this. Does that make sense? It gives him glory. We've been able to share a story with so many people, uh, different parts of our story that we can't testify fully on right now. Uh, but parts of it that have been very freeing to people. And if I'm known for my honesty, absolutely, of how I've become a friend of God because I learned how to wrestle with him, sign me up. And Malika and I have been wrestling with the Lord on a multitude of things. And this is just one of them. This is my side. Like, the story is different. But this is my wrestle. This has been my tension, and this is my story and my journey. And here's the thing, you guys, if I didn't say it now, I was gonna say it a year from now, or two, or three, or five. This was gonna come out at some point, and it may not be the most perfect or the prettiest, but it's true and it's real, and it happens, and just because I don't say it doesn't make it less real from happening. I just want to encourage. I just want to encourage the sheep that you're not a bad Christian just because you're suffering. I know what it's like to be faithful and to suffer. It comes with the walk. And you know what? I want to be a sister in this episode, not a mentor, not a preacher, a sister. And join hands with you guys watching and bleed with Jesus with the confidence that I could fight still, yes, on the battlefield, bloodied, wounded, but still know that there's a God who is seated because the battle's already been won. And while I fight, I'm fighting faithful, knowing that because of Jesus, all things have overcome. And what's happening is sanctification to a greater glory. We are not called to live perfect lives, but progressing ones. And God will use everything for his good. And so I think when we talk about mental diagnosis, people don't really like it because it's like, oh no, you can just pray it away, whatever. But then we'll, we won't say these things for people who are disabled or people who are sick and have diseases and et cetera. We became so weird around it. We could say, this is happening in my life, and God is still faithful, and I'm gonna still be faithful to him exactly the same. But I'm gonna cry and I'm gonna be upset, and I'm gonna feel like I don't want to do it some days. And it's gonna be really, really, really, really bad. But the Lord is doing all of these things to deepen my trust with him, exposing all the places where I don't trust him so I could trust him more. Fixing and tendering all of my places of unbelief. And guess what? He's gonna do the same thing to you if he already has it. He will. He will. And everybody gets it different, everybody responds differently. But I truly do believe the deeper you go with God, the deeper he will cut with you. And I'm getting cut real deep, you guys. So we're going to continue the podcast per usual to the best of my ability. We pre-filmed two episodes with Malik and my best friend Clarissa, and I have some episodes I'm going to film. But I wanted to create a space, kind of a yap session, sister-to-sister talk, brothers. If you're here, hey, of talking about wounds in the Christian life. Not here to preach, but to talk like we're friends. Again, I'm not coming from a teaching angle. I'm coming from friendship. That is what I want to come up with today. I'm congested because I'm also battling a sinus infection. I have so much faith. And I want to talk about healing ending. I am completely faithful that the Lord is going to heal me. And when you hear a diagnosis, like you have OCD, you have anxiety, you're and you have depression, those diagnoses could feel far from am I going to be healed? And those questions can linger. It can make you feel insecure. I want to encourage that we need to be less hung up on how the Lord is going to heal us and stay faithful that He is just going to heal us. Because if I was so hung up on how God is going to heal me, because I bet so many people are watching this video and thinking, well, she would just pray this. She, I know a prayer she doesn't know. I could only imagine the amount of people on the other side of the screen judging my pain, trying to prescribe it instead of empathize with it. Please learn to love sheep before preaching at them. Would say, oh, you should say this prayer, or you should read this psalm, or you should meditate over this every single day and night. If we prescribe ourselves, if we self-appoint, if we self-prescribe ourselves with remedies outside of the Lord's will, which by the way, we don't know if they are or not, because only time can tell, we limit actual healing in our lives. So some people think I'm dealing with this. The only way I'll be healed is if I fast, because there's a scripture that says if I fast, all these things will happen, which I'm not saying it's not true. It could be true. And it may or may not be the place where the Lord wants to heal you. He may want to heal you at your next church's service when you take communion. Or when you go to Target and there's a woman there who just wants to lay hands on you and pray for you, and the Lord is prophetically using her. You have no idea where the Lord is going to heal you, when or where. We cannot get hung up on how he's going to do it. We just have to stay faithful that he is. The woman who was bleeding for 12 years ran to Jesus and she was not thinking how was he going to heal me. All she was thinking, he is going to heal me. We have to run with that same ambition. I want to tell you that I have that ambition, that I am going to be healed in the mighty and the majestic name of Jesus. I do not know when I can have hope, but I'm not going to hang up my hope on a self-appointed prescription. I am going to allow the Lord to be the Lord. And one day maybe I'll just wake up and things are different. Maybe it's continual healing, maybe it's gradual or it's instantaneous. I don't know. But I'm here for whatever He wants to be here for. And I'm not going to act like I'm not going through it. So one day, and I'll end off with this. There was going to be a day where I could speak clearly to this place of my life without being so discreet. How traumatizing and ground shaking it was. And I have a thorn. I have a thorn. And that's it. No secret sin. No infidelity or trouble in our marriage or friendships or social media influencer drama. Oh, it's something that another influencer deserts. No, no, no, no. You would not know what it is. It's just the suffering life. And there's nowhere in scripture that says to hide your suffering. It says to boast in your weakness. Well, if I have weakness and if I have struggles, I'm just learning to boast in them. So my goal here today, and please hear me, because this is the only time I'm going to make a video like this, is to not over-exercise complaining and slothfulness because of our struggles. That is not what I'm encouraging for the church. I'm encouraging faithfulness while suffering. That is all I'm saying. I'm not wanting to make a whining YouTube video. I'm wanting to make an honest Christian lifestyle video, I guess, of this is the Christian life and this is what happens. And when you've been rolling with the Lord very, very deep, this is what it is. And many of you can no longer be ashamed of, oh, I'm not a real Christian or God doesn't love me because I'm going through these things, because many of you look up to people, people like me. And I will say, I am going through this. And I know plenty of your favorite people who are also going through very similar things. We are all in this together because we're all babies of Jesus. We are all his children. We're all children of God. Okay? We don't have to be ashamed or guilty. We're All groaning, longing, and yearning for Jesus in his return. And that can only be found through the suffering. Amen, you guys. I love you. Please pray for me. Like how I said, I will not be making a video like this ever again. Maybe in the near future, of course. But I mean, as far as the season, we're going to continue to keep preaching the good news of Jesus because there's hope in the blood of Jesus. Okay? This is just, this is just the atmosphere we're setting is honesty and discipling this next generation, that we don't have to stay orphaned and broken. We could boast in our sufferings and challenge ourselves to strive for a greater glory by walking through proper healing in patience and in honesty, with the hope and the expectation that the Lord is going to heal. All these things are true. And if I could set the tone for a generation to be honest and not complain, but change, I will do it. So here's my wounds. And I hope that you begin to hate, not hate yours as much. I hope you begin to love the wounds of Jesus and place your wounds in his and trust that he's just gonna heal it all. Because he will. He's faithful, even when we're faithless. That's my uh big sister, Rant, and where I'm at, you guys. Please honor this and to the best of your ability. This may have sound I probably got nicer throughout the video because I was very frustrated in the very beginning of it. But we made it here. Okay, you guys? You want to say anything?

unknown 45:51

No.

SPEAKER_00 45:52

No?

unknown 45:52

I'm just crying here.

SPEAKER_00 45:53

I love you. I love you guys. We'll see you two Tuesdays from now. Probably gonna have a lot more episodes with Malik in it, just so he could help me in this season when days feel really hard to film. This is our podcast. Because we're one. He cares about you guys just as much as I do. So if we have more guests, it's because it's it's a lot easier, still just as impactful and beneficial. But yeah, that's just something too. Okay. I think I'm good. Okay. I love you guys. See you two Tuesdays from now. God bless. Bye.