Episode 61: From Crisis to Clarity

Hello hello and welcome back to Stairway to Redemption.

In this episode, I welcome a special guest, Rachel, who shares her compelling journey of overcoming alcoholism and mental health challenges. Rachel, who has been sober for three years, talks about her initial struggles with alcoholism, her recovery process, and the crucial role of therapy and community support. She also discusses the challenges of working as a sober bartender and her future aspirations. Tune in to hear Rachel's inspiring story and insights on resilience, faith, and maintaining sobriety while navigating life’s ups and downs.

00:00 Introduction and Personal Struggles
01:08 Special Guest: Rachel's Story
03:26 Challenges of Sobriety
07:49 The Turning Point
20:38 Recovery Journey
32:36 Workplace Incidents and Reflections
39:52 Dealing with a Fired Coworker
40:46 Handling Aggressive Behavior at Work
42:47 Confronting a Repeat Offender
51:47 Struggles with Mental Health
59:05 Coping Mechanisms and Faith
01:09:25 Future Aspirations and Community Support

Transcript

Benyi: 0:05

Hi, my name is Benny Johnson. As some of you know, I've been struggling with addiction. However, I decided to change my life and went into recovery. I started this podcast 90 Days Clean, and I want to take you along in my journey. What does lie ahead of me? Let me be frank. I do not know will I ever drink again? I do not know this is how Steroid redemption was born. It is my search for answer in the real term process of what is going to work for me. It is then my aspiration to help you figure out what is going to work for you. It is our journey together. Hello. Hello and welcome back to another episode of Stairway Residential. Uh, this week I have a special guest, a coworker of mine who I recently found out is sober as well, although I had my suspicions. Uh, she agreed to be my guest on the pod. Um, she's going to share her story and the challenges she face in, she faces in her recovery. Uh, and uh, yeah, guys, I give you Rachel. Rachel.

Rachel: 1:35

Hi everybody.

Benyi: 1:37

Uh, yeah. So Rachel here at Redemption, we start with the state of the mind address. So what's going on with your, what's your state of mind?

Rachel: 1:45

So, my state of mind. All right. So I've been sober for three years. I feel great. Um, obviously I have my good and badies, but one thing I will say. I feel like when you're in recovery, you still always think about alcohol, right? Like that's, that was, that's my, my thing is the alcohol and like, I don't know if anybody else got this or if you got this, but like when you first stop drinking, you have these like crazy dreams about drinking. I used to get them all the time. Like I knew I was sober in my dream. Like I knew I was like not drinking and for whatever reason I'd start drinking and then I'd be like, oh my God. I messed up my sobriety. What the heck? Like why'd I do that? And I'd be like, chugging, like Coronas in my dream. So it's just like, you know, it was crazy, but like now I really don't get that as much, but I still definitely get like the urges to like, wanna have like a cold beer, like, or something, just like on a random day. Um, and then obviously with work and stress, like that doesn't help. Yeah. Obviously you've seen me half many until breakdowns. Yeah, I've

Benyi: 3:02

seen a few. Yeah, I've seen a few.

Rachel: 3:04

So, you know, at some points it's like, oh my God, like, am I gonna lose my job? Because like, I can't like manage, like anything. My emotions. And so for me, that's one of the challenges I feel like I face. On a, on a daily, like on a daily, on a daily day. On a everyday basis. I

Benyi: 3:25

see. Yeah. Like, because, uh, the other thing also, you have, uh, not only we both security, uh, at, uh, retail store here on Long Island, but we also, uh, you are, uh, a waitress, uh, no bartender. A bartender, yeah. Sorry. Different. Yeah. Uh, at the bar. Yeah. So you sober working at the bar. Yeah. And

Rachel: 3:49

everybody thinks I'm insane. They're like, how do you do that? And I always say like, dude, like I wasn't able to do this overnight. Like, it took so long for me to like Even, well, I feel like it was so long, it wasn't really that long in retrospect, but it felt like a long time for me to actually feel comfortable even around people sitting down drinking while I'm out. You know, like I remember like one time. This was within like the first month of me being sober. Me and my friends went out and they wanted to have brunch. So we went to go get brunch and they were like, Hey, like, you know, do you care if we have mimosas? And I'm like, yeah, no, that's fine. You guys could have mimosas. I'm good. The amount of anxiety I started to get, once I seen the picture of the mimosas coming out and everybody was drinking and having fun, I just started to like clam up and like get really quiet. And it wasn't because I felt uncomfortable around them, but I think it was just the presence of alcohol and that like, it's just there and like it just flowing. It just nonstop made me like, I had to leave. Like, I was like, I was like, Hey guys, like um, I'm gonna just throw you this money. If I owe you more, let me know. Like I gotta go, like I'm taking my food to go. Like I have to leave. And they were like, are you okay? And I was like, yeah, no, I'm good. I just, I really have to go. And I laughed and like, I cried about it because I was like, why can't I be normal? Like, why can't I be like around this? But you know, after like a while, it's just like, I know why I couldn't be around it. It is because it's, that was like my vice. So it's like it's temptation right in front of you. But as time passed, it just got easier to be around because I wasn't like thinking of it in like a negative way anymore. Before it was like, why, why, why can't I be, why can't I have it? Why can't I just know how to control myself? Like it's, it just stopped being that. And I was like, all right. I never drank while I was working to begin with. Like, I've always been in, in the bar industry, whether that was bartending, which was saying I've been o in, in it for over a decade. So it's like, that was never like an issue to me. I. It was always like, after work or before work, like, it'd be like, all right guys, let's go to the beach and get blasted on the weekends. Like, let's go out, like let's go have fun. But, um, it definitely was a way to like decompress, for sure. Um, and I just took it to a full different level.

6:21

Yeah.

Rachel: 6:21

So, you know, but, um, but yeah, no, it, it got easier. And when I was finally able to be in a position of bartending, I just always thought of it like, like I said, like I never really drank on the job. Unless, like, my boss literally would force me to take shots with people. Be like, take the fucking shot.

6:41

Yeah. Right. Take the

Rachel: 6:41

shot, go make the money. Like, yeah, run up your bill. So, and, which was rare, but like, you know, he, he let me, you know, do that. But, um, to me it was more about the money. So money, crazy enough is just more of a priority than drinking. So it was just, do I wanna break my sobriety that I've already. Like, when I go into my backstory, I'll tell you why I had to stop drinking. But, um, do I wanna really risk that or keep staffing up, make my money, do what I need to do, try to accomplish goals and live my life. So I chose the money.

Benyi: 7:21

Makes sense. It makes sense. But, uh, yeah, like I can definitely, I mean the bar, the service industry, uh, the nightlife, the bar industry, yeah. It's very conative of like a lot of, uh, heavy drinking and stuff. But like, uh, I get it. Like, you know, you always strong to work in that environment and to remain sober. I give you your flowers for that. Thank

Rachel: 7:46

you.

Benyi: 7:46

Um, but yeah, so like, tell us your story. Uh, how did you end up in recovery?

Rachel: 7:51

So, so basically what happened was I had got Covid right? Mind you, I was a very heavy drinker, I would say. Like, I was drinking every night, every, not every morning or something like that, but like every night. Like every day really. But it was at night most of the time. And if I wasn't at the bar again, this was like during covid time, but I had been drinking since I was like, hmm, maybe 13, 13 or 14. The first time I got drunk I was eight, seven, accidentally was actually, actually me. A very funny story. Um, we were at my uncle's wedding and the server was supposed to give the kids like ginger ale in a champagne glass or like whatever, um, apple cider, whatever. And they gave us champagne. So we, like all of the kids started drinking the champagne. And for whatever reason, like. I liked it. And so I had one glass and then I took my sisters because she didn't want it.'cause she was like, this is gross. And she was like this like five or six at the time. So I took hers. So now I'm two glasses in. Me and my cousin are drunk. I ended up rip ripping my other cousin's dress by dancing and like stepping on it and ripping it. We went outside, me and my other cousin went outside to go get more ginger ale. Yeah, because that's what we thought we were drinking. We got ginger ale, like actual ginger ale. We spit it out. We were like, this is just disgusting. What is this? This is not what we were drinking. Long story short, we got hungover the next day. It was bizarre, but maybe that's where it started. I dunno. But um, but yeah. So back to what happened. So it was during Covid, which everybody was like working from home practically. I was doing social work at the time, which was extremely stressful.

10:03

Yeah.

Rachel: 10:04

Um, and I was in like very abusive relationships and I just wasn't like, I also have my own like mental health issues that were like not diagnosed, um, or I wasn't like on the right regimen. And so when Covid hit, I was at the beach every day. I was at the beach every single day. We were getting lit, like super lit on the beach, like all day, all night. Go again the next day. And I was doing all my work for my laptop so I could just be getting lit. It didn't matter. I was getting my work done. Yeah. So eventually we go back to work, but it's like half in person, half at home kind of thing. And I remember I got, I got covid. So I was sick and I wasn't drinking for like, maybe, I think I was out for like five days or something like that. Like I couldn't drink. So it was like they gave me the full 10 days of like covid sickness time. And I, in my brain was like, all right, like after day five, I'm allowed to go back around people. So in my head I was like, well, I just missed out on five days of drinking.'cause I couldn't drink for five days. Okay. So I was like, all right, I have to catch up. I went on a bender. I mean, I was drinking from like 12 o'clock in the afternoon till like five o'clock in the morning for like five days straight. I don't even, couldn't even tell you like where I don't, I don't think I was going home like I was out, like I was sleeping out. Like I don't even know where I was going. I would crash at like friends' houses and stuff like that. But like I was just making really bad decisions. And so what happened was I ended up going to, um, this spot up north and it was like a nightclub. They had like hookah, the drinks, everything like that, and like was 2:00 AM they're closing down. And I'm like, like, I really want to keep going. Like I want to go. And this kid that I had met from the beach was like, Hey, like what are you doing tonight? And I told him where I was at. I'm like, all right, let's go. Like let's go out.'cause he was like, oh, I know what af spot. I'm like, all right, cool. So we go to Queens and um, he's doing Mad Blow, like the whole night. And I never touched that shit. Yeah. Like I never touched, I, sorry, I don't know if I could curse it or not.

12:33

Of course you can. Okay.

Rachel: 12:34

I never touched that shit. Like I did. Not ever in my life to this day. Never. Um, but he was going like crazy, I guess, with it. So he's like, come on, let's go to this other spot. And I'm, I told him, I'm like, yo, I wanna be home by like four in the morning. Four in the morning is the time we got to the next spot. So we're, I'm in Queens. He drove, I'm in Queens. I don't know why I just didn't order an Uber, but whatever. We, we went to this other place and I started drinking and I like, felt like kind of weird and I was like, all right, like, I really wanna go. Like, I'm tired. I thought he had, one of his friends had rules eat me. Um, because when I got out of the nightclub, it was seven in the morning, so I had been drinking since 12 in the afternoon. Yeah. It's 7:00 AM I'm not, I'm not even like drunk and I'm not hungover. I'm just physically exhausted, mentally exhausted. I couldn't move my body, so I was like, there's something really wrong. Like my whole entire body would, would just not move. It was just, I stuck. So again, I thought somebody roofing me. I, I ended up going home eventually. Um, and. My friend hits me up and he is like, Hey, like let's go to my friend's house. He's having like a family birthday party. And I'm like, okay, whatever. And my friend was from, well, it was from, um, the Bronx, so I hadn't seen him in a while. I'm like, yeah, all right, fuck it, I'll go out. So we go out, I start drinking, I feel fine. There's nothing wrong again. I'm probably started drinking at like eight o'clock, nine o'clock, something like that. We were drinking till five in the morning. And it's not like I was like, oh yeah, one or two glasses of wine. Like, no, no, no. I was drinking like three bottles of wine a night, two, no, two to three bottles of wine a night. And like a six pack of Coronas was nothing to me. Like that just wasn't enough. So, you know, whatever. So we were drinking a lot, like a lot, a lot. I think I had killed a bottle of Henny. Like it was just, it was crazy. So, um, after that, we. Wake up in the morning. I'm hammered still. I'm drunk. Like, we're just like really, really hung over. Like, I'm just shot. We actually drove to where we work at now. Because we wanted to get something to drink.

15:01

Yeah.

Rachel: 15:02

Um, but like, not like alcoholic. We just wanted, you know, something before we went to the beach. So we were supposed to go to the beach. We get there, we were fucked up at the police. At, at the store? Yeah. Wow. And we like, get our stuff, whatever. And I'm lit, like at, we go to the train station because all of our friends, my, all my friends canceled the beach. They were like, we're not going to the beach today. And I was like, all right, we're not going. So he is like, drop me off for the train. Like, I gotta go back to the Bronx. And I was like, all right. I drop him off for the train and he was, he had gotten beer at, at seven 11 and I was like, should I drink? And I was like, man, like I gotta go back to work tomorrow. Maybe I should just take it easy, right?

15:43

So

Rachel: 15:45

I get home, I'm like, you know what? I'm gonna go to Dunking Donuts. I'm gonna get like a chai tea latte or something like that, and I go home. I get, I get the, the latte. I go home and I'm like, oh, my stomach starts killing me. I'm like, oh my God. I think they put milk in it. I can't drink milk. I can only have almond milk. So I'm like, oh my God. Like they put milk in my drink. Like, this is not good. Yeah. I started getting that feeling like, like I feel sick, like I feel like I can't move my body. And I tell my mom like, I don't feel good. And she was like, all right, just go upstairs, go to sleep. Like you had like a rough like few days. Like, take it easy, go upstairs. I'm like, okay. I wake up at like, wake up four in the morning, freaking out. Yeah. Like, I just woke up outta my sleep, like, like, oh, not screaming, screaming, but I was in a panic, so I'm like, like I couldn't breathe. I didn't know what was going on. And I just knew something was really wrong.'cause I started getting that paralyzing feeling again. So I like climbed outta my bed pretty much like, like crawled down the stairs, knocked on the bathroom door.'cause I seen the light on. My dad comes out and he is like, what, what? And I'm like, I need to go to the hospital. And he's like, what's wrong? And I'm like, I don't know. I was like, I feel like I'm legitimately dying, like from the inside out, like I'm dying. And he looked at me and he is like, why? Like, what did you take? And I was like, what? So now I really think I got roofied. And I'm like, what? And he is like, your eyes, like, what did you take? And I was like, what are you talking about? He's like, go look in the mirror. I look in the mirror. My pupils were like literally the size of my eye. And so he thought I took some type of like upper, I'm assuming. Yeah. And I was like, I swear to God, like I did not take anything. Like I literally just woke up and I feel like I'm dying. And he was like, all right, try to tell me what you feel like. And I was confused'cause I'm like, just g bring me to the hospital. And I tried to explain to him like, I don't know, like, I don't know this feeling. I've never felt like this before. Man. My leg wouldn't stop shaking. I couldn't control it. Like I was trying to like hold my leg down. It was still was like shaking, shaking, shaking. Um, my leg was shaking. He bring so long story short, he brings me to the hospital. Gets to the hospital. They tell me that I, my blood sugar was so high, I almost went into a coma because of how much sugar, like a diabetic, a coma or something like that. And then, um, they had to like pump me up with some drugs and the, the hydration bag. And, um, when I like woke up from falling asleep from the medication, the doctor was like, do you know why you're here? And I was like, was I roofed? And he was like, no. And I was like, okay, well what happened? He's like, you are having alcohol withdrawals. And I was like, what? I've never had that before. Yeah. So I was like, what do you mean? He is like, delirium, Trumans. And I was like, I don't know. Like I knew what that was just from like social work and like psychology and stuff. But I didn't really understand it because I was not somebody that like woke up and just started like drinking or like when I woke up it wasn't like I need a drink. Like I didn't think I was an alcoholic. I didn't think I had a problem. Like truly, genuinely, like I did not think I had a problem. He told me straight up like, listen, like I'm gonna tell you right now, you need to stop drinking. And he was like, you, you could have died. He is like, but more importantly he is like, you're gonna have to live with whatever decision you make for the rest of your life. He said, so you can either continue to drink. Probably have some liver failure or kidney failure. Um. Anytime that you feel like this, you know what you're gonna have to do. Right? And I was like, get a drink. And he was like, yeah,

19:41

yeah.

Rachel: 19:42

And then I was like, okay, what's the other option? He is like, well, I could put you on some medication. You could go and, you know, get whatever help that you need and just stop drinking forever. And I was like, forever. And he was like, forever. And I was like, well, I guess, like, I'll just stop drinking. Because that feeling was so horrible to feel like I was dying and had no control over my body whatsoever. I was like, this is not normal. Like, I, I'm so young. I think I was like 27, um, 26 or 27 and I was like, I can't, I don't wanna be like my clients that I deal with. Yeah. They're all like, you know, they all have really bad issues with like drugs or alcohol or. With their mental health. And I just, I said I couldn't do it. So, um, I went to OCC, um, which is for everybody that doesn't know that is a outpatient program. Um, so I went to an outpatient program, um, and I was in there for about nine or 10 months. So I was able to go home, you know, it's not like they kept me somewhere and I was sleeping in, in, you know, rehab. Um, but man, like that alone really was what helped me so much.

21:19

Mm.

Rachel: 21:20

Because there's no way that I would've been able to like, stay, like even just try to stay sober without the group. Um, I ended up going to like two or three AA meetings. I brought my dad to one of'em and you know,'cause I didn't wanna go by myself. Um,'cause the first time I went was with one of my group members. The second time I went was I had brought two of my group members with me.'cause I was like, guys, let's go together. Like go be more fun. Like, let's go together. And the third time I went, it was just me and my dad. And my dad was just hysterical crying because he felt so bad. That like, he was like, I just don't, he's like, it's just really like crazy to see like, people really have to count the days that they've been sober just to get them through the next day. And I was like, yeah. Like that's the mindset that we have because it's like you have, like, that's what keeps you going almost. It's like that's what's pushing you to like do better. Hmm. Because you have this many days, why break that? So. I stopped going to AA because, um, and this is just my own personal opinion.

22:35

Yeah, sure.

Rachel: 22:35

Um, I just felt like it was a little too cultish for me. Okay. And maybe it was just a meeting I was going to, I don't know. But I wasn't really a big fan of it. Um, also, I had seen people, I didn't know them, like I didn't know who they were, but you could tell that they, like, were not fully like sober. So like, I didn't wanna be around that anyway, even though the people in my group weren't fully sober either. But I felt more like in control of, you know, I had to go to the, because I have to see my therapist, I have to do this. And the AA was more like, you don't really have to go if you don't like it. The other one was like, I have to go whether I like it or not. This was like, eh, I just, I just felt like it wasn't as helpful to me as, you know. S going to my group and seeing a therapist. I felt like seeing my therapist was like more helpful. Being in the group, being able to communicate with people was way more helpful. Um, so for me that was like what I, I did. And, um, yes, it, uh, kept me, kept me going. Now it's gonna be four years in September. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice, nice. Yeah, so, you know, it's, it's good. It's very humbling. Um, but I'm very proud of myself. No,

Benyi: 23:59

that is, uh, that is a lot to be proud. And, uh, thank you for sharing your story. Yeah, of course. Um, yeah, like, uh, that's, that's very interesting that, um. So basically alcohol is, uh, like you never make swift drugs or anything. It was just like,

Rachel: 24:17

well, I did mix it with like prescription medication that I was taking. Mm. Um, so benzos, any benzos that I was taking, I did mix it with that and I would black out, but like, it was more like fun. But like I, you know, I was already just too far, uh, in it, I guess. But it was really like, you know, either smoking weed or like, you know, um, mixing my benzos with it. Do you still

Benyi: 24:47

smoke weed or?

Rachel: 24:48

No, I actually stopped because I thought I was gonna get drunk tested. Yeah. Um, but I stopped because of that. So again, like I don't, people are like, oh, you can't be addicted to weed. You a hundred percent can. Yeah. I think that you a hundred percent can. Because I felt like I was At one point too, where it was like, not that I was craving it, like how I craved alcohol, but it was more so like, I dunno, I felt like when I smoked, like it was like fun and I was like, oh yeah, like whatever. Like, uh, but then I would feel lazy.

25:23

Yeah.

Rachel: 25:24

Like, I didn't wanna do any, I was so unmotivated and, um, I just, yeah. So, but the, that was really it. Like, you know, I definitely experimented with things, but it wasn't to my liking. Like, I just was like, yeah, no, this isn't, this isn't it. But, um, but drinking was, that was the alcohol was, that was it for me. Um, but yeah, no, I never mixed it with any really anything else. Yeah. I see.

Benyi: 25:55

So like, um, thank you for sharing your story.

25:58

Yeah.

Benyi: 25:59

So when you decided. So were you still working at the bar at the time you were trying to get sober or you sought being able to work after?

Rachel: 26:11

So I think I was about five or six months into recovery. Um, which I almost slipped up, not at work, but like outside of work, I definitely almost slipped up because now you're dealing with all your demons, you're facing them head on. You don't have this buffer to like Yeah. You know, do anything. So I was really depressed. Like even more than I was already, like clinically like said to be like, I just felt like, oh my God, there's no point to life. Like, what is the point if I can't drink? Like, oh, what if my sister gets married and I can't drink and do a toast at her wedding? Which she did get married and we did have a toast. I just had apple cider instead. But, you know, so it's possible. It just didn't feel possible at the time.

26:54

Yeah,

Rachel: 26:55

I think that's just a mental thing, honestly. I feel like you just have to be really mentally strong. Um, but yeah, no, I think I was like six months into my sobriety journey when I started working back at a bar.

Benyi: 27:10

Oh yeah. Yeah. Like, um, now, like what are the challenges that you face at the bar when, because I remember I was coming to your bars on Wednesdays to watch, uh, the Champions League because you guys have like tiny, it's quiet. Yes. Uh, you have the two TVs, the two games there. So like, I don't have to put my laptops and the tv, I can just be there and watch my game.

27:37

Yeah.

Benyi: 27:37

And the idea, no, not the idea. My intuition that told me that you might be sober too, was when I showed up you and I said I wasn't drinking. You were like, oh, I can make you like have this thing, this ring of, I was not the Shirley Temple, but I was No, it made

Rachel: 27:55

you like a, um, I think it was like a virgin rum punch.

Benyi: 27:58

Yeah. And, um. It's not every time or every, it was very, uh, indicative of that somebody who doesn't drink or who knows people who don't drink. Uh, and you, you had that option on the spot, like, you know, um, yeah, but, you know, I didn't want to pry, uh, I thought it was not polite and, um,

Rachel: 28:27

oh, you're too nice, bunny.

Benyi: 28:30

It's not, it's not until, uh, we started working together, uh, as security at the, at the store that like you told me like, oh yeah, uh, you know, like, uh, I'm sober and stuff. And then I was like, yeah, I, I kind of had an idea. You know

Rachel: 28:45

what's crazy? I had no idea that you were sober. I just thought you like, didn't wanna drink that early.

Benyi: 28:50

Oh, yeah. Because it was like, games are like 3:00 PM Yeah, yeah. No, yeah. I was like,

Rachel: 28:53

oh, he's just chilling. He just wants to hang out. So I wasn't really even thinking like that you were or weren't. It just never really crossed my mind. Yeah. And I was like, maybe he just really likes the mocktails I'm making.

Benyi: 29:06

Oh man. But like, uh, so what are the challenges of, um, working at the bar when you sober? Like, uh, do people respect your sobriety or they still force you to take shots? Or Like,

Rachel: 29:23

so everybody that knows me at the bar that knows that I don't drink once I told them shit.'cause they, everybody always is like, Hey, you wanna do a shot? Yeah. I's just like normal, like bar like common courtesy. Um, so I'd be like, oh no, it's okay. I am good. And they'd be like, oh, are you sure? And I'd be like, yeah, no, it's fine. And then like they would ask again like the next time. Eventually they were like. Do you not like what's going on with you? Like, you don't ever wanna take a shot with me? I'm like, listen, don't take it personal. Like, I'm sober. And they're like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Mm. I didn't know. And I'm like, yeah, well, how would you know? I didn't tell you. So they were very respectful actually. Like, they really were like, wow, I'm really proud of you, and these are people that don't even know me.

30:04

Yeah.

Rachel: 30:05

So it was like, wow, this is like really nice. Like that. Everyone's like, just so, like, wow, I'm proud of you. Like, it felt good. Um, but there are people that are like, oh, just take a shot. So I'll just pour a water shot and I'll just take a water shot with them, but I'll charge them because why are you not respecting me? Yeah. Um, but um, but yeah, no, it's, so the, the most challenge that I've faced, I feel for me Would be, yeah, the shot thing. Like when people are like, oh, do you wanna do a shot? But not because I'm like, oh, I, I wanna do a shot. It's because I get nervous that I'm gonna forget which one is the water and which one is the alcohol, and accidentally take a shot of the alcohol. But I would know as soon as it got close to my mouth or like to my nervous mouth, nose. Yeah. Like there's no way. Um, but that would be like really the only thing that I get like kind of nervous about or like that would be a challenge. Other than that, like I really have no desire to drink. Even when I get a craving to drink, like, oh, I really wanna drink. Like I know I actually don't.

31:11

Yeah. So

Rachel: 31:12

I just have to keep telling myself like, no, you don't bitch. Like you're just having a moment, like get it together. But yeah.

Benyi: 31:18

I see. What about when um, people ask you to test that drink that it was un made correctly or something like that? What do you do in that case?

Rachel: 31:28

Um, honestly, I. I haven't really had that problem.'cause I'm the best bartender ever. No. Um, that I actually, what I do when I feel like, oh, this might be off, is I take a straw and I'll like, hold the top.

31:45

And

Rachel: 31:45

I'll ask one of my other customers, Hey, taste this, does this taste okay? And I'll, I'll take it and pour, you know, the straw Yeah. Into their mouth and obviously throw the straw away and get the person to do straw. Of course.

31:58

Yeah.

Rachel: 31:58

But, um, so I make my customers try it. Okay. And they'll be, they'll be like, oh, it's a little, it's a little too sweet. Or like, no, it's good. Or like, oh, it's a little, like it's missing something.

32:08

Okay.

Rachel: 32:08

Because, you know, I have to be creative with cocktails. Yeah. Especially when it's like seen, like say Patrick's Day, Valentine's Day, like you always need like A signature cocktail. So. Um, I've always, when I experiment with making drinks, I always have my customers try it, and it's a win-win because they get a free drink. Yeah. You know, we're like a mini shot and they tip me more, so

Benyi: 32:30

That's nice. Yeah. That's nice. Um, yeah. Um, I wanted to talk to you about, um, uh, coworker of ours that, uh, you went to, you told me you went to that, um, yes. Outpatient with

32:50

Yes.

Benyi: 32:50

And let me, uh, for the audience, let me recap the story. So like, um, on my day off, uh, he, uh, he came to, so he works there and, uh, he came, he went on his lunch and came back from his lunch break. Totally wasted it. And started, uh, being, can I say

Rachel: 33:17

something? Yeah, go ahead. Before that,

Benyi: 33:19

yeah.

Rachel: 33:20

I knew something was a little off with him because I asked him a question and he started sounding weird. And I was like, oh shit. Like, I think he might be drunk. Yeah. But I wasn't sure. And that was like maybe 30 minutes before what you're about to say Actually happened or maybe like 20 minutes before.

Benyi: 33:38

So, yeah. So when he comes back from, uh, from his lunch, or was it, uh, he starting being belligerent and starting, uh, being, uh, how you could very, uh, sexual,

33:53

yeah. Sexual

Benyi: 33:54

with like, uh, another coworker.

33:57

Yes.

Benyi: 33:57

And you guys had basically had to stop him. Had to call the cops.

Rachel: 34:02

Yes.

Benyi: 34:03

And the cops came. I.

Rachel: 34:06

They yelled at me.

Benyi: 34:07

They yell at you? Yeah. For, for like, basically because you guys had to held him in a different way. Yeah, we held

Rachel: 34:12

him hostage or something like that. Right. I'm like, the door's not even locked.

Benyi: 34:16

He was going after her. Her, he was like, you know, he was

Rachel: 34:19

going after her. He was going after,

Benyi: 34:21

yeah. Our other coworker and the manager. Yeah. Yep.

Rachel: 34:24

And one of our coworkers called, coworker called our team. Like he wanted to

Benyi: 34:28

fight the, uh, Uhhuh. So then the police come, he starts speeding at them. They had to put the face mask on him. Yeah.

Rachel: 34:37

The bag over his, the

Benyi: 34:38

bag. Yeah. So the security, that was

Rachel: 34:40

crazy.

Benyi: 34:41

And, uh, they had to strap him on the, on the, how you call it, like the, the, the.

Rachel: 34:49

That part I didn't see. What was it? Like a, um, like when you go, when they do like CPR on somebody or whatever, like before? No.

Benyi: 34:55

Yeah. They had to strap him on the little like, uh, how do you call it again? Where they put people, they carried them to the ambulance. Yeah. So he had them. Oh my God. That was crazy. But like, he told me that like, you knew the guy Yes. And he went to the same, uh, outpatient. Yeah. So I met him

Rachel: 35:10

when he had turned 21. Yeah. And he was already there. And I'm like, wow, this kid is so young and he can really get through this.

Benyi: 35:16

Yeah.

Rachel: 35:17

Apparently he couldn't

Benyi: 35:20

yet. No. Yeah. Not only that also, he, he comes to your, he used to come to your bar a lot.

Rachel: 35:25

Yes.

Benyi: 35:26

And, uh, yeah. Like what did, what was it like, I, I mean, I don't want to make his inventory, but like, since, well, you were not close, but you knew. Yes. So like, there was, I want to see what your perspective was like from seeing somebody I. That you It was

Rachel: 35:43

hard.

Benyi: 35:43

Yeah. That you went to a patient. It was really hard. It was

Rachel: 35:46

very triggering. Um, because it's just like, wow, like how did you get to this point? You know? Yeah. It was like, wow, you, you know, when I saw, because re like you, you know, I was always coming in just as a, a guest. Um, so when I saw he was working there, I said to myself, wow, this is really great. He must be sober. And then when I started working with you guys, I was like, okay, he is sober. Like this is really, really good. I'm proud of him. And I told him, Hey, I'm so proud of you. He is like, yeah, I've been sober for like four months. I'm like, wow. It's like really great. Um, because before, uh, there was one time before I started working with you guys, he came into the bar. I didn't recognize him at first, and I poured him a drink and I'm like, this kid looks so familiar, like, how do I know him? And then he was like, do you remember me? And I was like, I mean, I feel like I know you from somewhere, but I can't pinpoint like where exactly from. And he goes, oh, I don't want to, I don't wanna say it out loud over here. And in my head I'm like, does he think I'm somebody else? Like, what is he about to say? Yeah. Like, where do you know me from sir? And then I was like looking at him and I said his name, and he was like, yeah. And I was like, oh my God. I was like, yeah, I can't serve you anymore,

Benyi: 37:14

boy, you cut him off right there.

Rachel: 37:16

Yeah. Yeah.

Benyi: 37:16

Wow. That's interesting. And he interest and he was like, why not?

Rachel: 37:19

And I was like, because I don't feel comfortable serving you. Like I know that's fair. That's fair. That you were, you know, I was like, and like you seem kind of lit, like I don't feel comfortable serving you. And he pulls out this tequila bottle from his backpack and he is like, starts tugging it. And I'm like, whoa, lemme explain something to you. Like, I don't know if you've ever been to a bar before, but like you're gonna get kicked out for doing that. Yeah. I was like, please don't ever do that anywhere else in this town. Like, do not do that. I was like, you need to put that away and you need to go now because you just pulled out your own bottle in the middle of the bar, like you have to go. I met up with him again because I was trying to talk him back into going to like an outpatient or an inpatient.

38:03

And

Rachel: 38:05

he was drunk when I met with him and like, he just wasn't like understanding. I had to talk to his parents. I went to his house, talked to his parents, they wanted me out. They didn't wanna hear anything I had to say.

38:17

Wow.

Rachel: 38:19

Um, there was definitely a language barrier as well. So it was very hard to try to get him to like, translate what I was saying, but like, at the same time it was just like, you know, I texted his dad in their language In Spanish. Yeah. Yeah. In Spanish. And I, I, you know, texted him like, Hey, like, listen, like he really needs help. He really needs like, support. And I guess maybe that wasn't my place to say that because I don't know what goes on at their house. Um, but just coming from like how my parents treated me, I was like, I don't understand why they don't have the same compassion with him. But again, it's really different when it's, I don't know, I guess it's just maybe he was just acting more, um, irrational or they just really couldn't comprehend it, couldn't wrap their minds around it. Um. But addiction runs in my family. So my parents, they both don't drink and not because they, you know, like us, like we stopped drinking. Yeah. They just don't really drink like that. Okay. Um, so, but it does run in my family on both sides, so maybe it'll, I don't know. I don't know what the deal was with his family. It was very bizarre to me. Um, but I guess it's not too bizarre because a lot of families with, uh, their children or loved one that has addiction problems, they really, they get really fed up and they're not supportive because they just can't deal with it.

Benyi: 39:51

Yeah. They're just like tired of dealing with it. Yeah. Which

Rachel: 39:54

I don't blame them, you know? Um, but yeah, so he did that. I tried talking to his parents and then he came back again on one of my shifts after he got fired. And. I felt bad. Like, I was like, ugh. Like he just lost his job. Like he actually apologized to me for the whole thing. He is like, I don't really remember, but I just know what I did is wrong and I'm really sorry that I put you in the, in the middle of it was this.

Benyi: 40:26

Yeah.

Rachel: 40:27

And I was like, listen, like, you know, I tried to handle this situation the best I could without it getting too personal.

Benyi: 40:33

Yeah.

Rachel: 40:33

Um,

Benyi: 40:34

which is hard because you knew the guy

Rachel: 40:36

Yes.

Benyi: 40:36

And you cannot actually disclose that you knew him. Yeah. To like our boss, other people. Yeah. And also,

Rachel: 40:43

you know, it, it was difficult. Um, it was really difficult because also it's not like I could really, like, you know, I had, I put my hands on Vince to like block him.

Benyi: 40:53

Yeah, I saw that. Because he was going after people, like physically, right.

Rachel: 40:58

Lunging, lunging at him. Uhhuh. Yeah. Yeah. But. I was so new and still training, so I didn't know I wasn't allowed to do that. But on a personal level, I would have done that and been like, snap out of it. Like, yeah, get it together. You're at work, like Like stop, like leave, do something. But I couldn't do that in front of everybody, so it was just like, it was really hard for me to like figure out the right thing to do. I mean, I did the best I could. I think I did. I mean, everybody kind of already said like, you did a good job. No, you did.

Benyi: 41:30

Well, yeah. Like I would have put my hands, like honestly, I will, I will have like,

Rachel: 41:35

I was like, this is gonna be really bad. Yeah. Because he's about to get really hurt.

Benyi: 41:39

Yeah. Because lunging had a woman to touch to grope her. That was That's, that's, that's a first mistake. Yeah. That's a no no. But then

Rachel: 41:45

when you start trying to lunge a grown men that are bigger than you,

Benyi: 41:51

that's crazy. That are not

Rachel: 41:52

mature.

Benyi: 41:53

Yeah.

Rachel: 41:54

Mentally or emotionally. Yeah. Because

Benyi: 41:55

we have some coworkers who are like a little bit. Figure happy. Yeah. Wanted to knock him out. Yeah.

Rachel: 42:00

Because they're all so young. Like they're all, and they're like, they're all basically 18 to like, what, like 26?

Benyi: 42:06

26, 25. Yeah. Like

Rachel: 42:08

they're all young, so it's like they still have all the testosterone. They're ready to go TT G. Yeah.

Benyi: 42:14

But like also, I think the other aspect of it is that people like us who are in the recovery, we know what they like, he goes through. Yeah. And also we know that like violent, like knocking him out, gonna gonna do anything. Yeah. He's not gonna do anything. It's just

Rachel: 42:31

gonna hurt him. Yeah. He's just gonna hurt

Benyi: 42:33

him, but he's not gonna pause what's Yeah, he does. He still has no idea what's happening. Yeah. He still has no idea what's happening. And uh, yeah, like I couldn't imagine how challenging it was for you to, to deal with that situation, but

Rachel: 42:47

Yeah. Well then the, when he came back to the bar and I had served him, this was what, so I served him right because I felt bad. Yeah. I'm like, you know, and he seemed, I'm like, you know what? He's not fired. Like he's already like drinking like Whatever. I'll give him like one or two shots, like whatever. He's like, oh, can I buy this? Uh, this, this girl that I'm friends with, can I buy her a drink? I said, all right, whatever.

43:11

Yeah.

Rachel: 43:12

He runs up his hand to like a hundred dollars.

43:14

Okay.

Rachel: 43:15

And then tells me I don't have money to pay it. Uh

43:17

oh.

Rachel: 43:18

And I'm like, that's really crazy. I'm like, so why did you come out? Like, if you have no money, I'm like, and in my head I'm like, I know you have money. You definitely have money saved. Like you have two jobs.'cause he was working at the other place across from me as well, Uhhuh. So I'm like, he definitely has money. Like, I don't know what he's talking about. So I'm like, all right, fine. You don't have money. That's fine. So you need to gimme the headphones on your head or your tablet.

43:49

Yeah.

Rachel: 43:49

And he, because he kept saying, oh, I'll come back tomorrow and I'll pay, I'll come back tomorrow and I'll pay. I said, alright, so then gimme something that you have like as collateral. He's like, no, I can't do that. I said, well, unfortunately for you, you're gonna have to, or I'm gonna call the cops. Okay. I said, and with your history as we both know, that's not gonna be very good for you. And he was like, all right here. And he gave me the iPad. And um, yeah, I left it, you know, I told everyone, Hey, listen, this kid like I, this is his. You know, he is gonna come back for it. Um, he had, this is what his tab is, do not let him leave with that tablet without him paying this bill. And he paid his bill. Um, and I told all the girls like, Hey, he's, he is barred. He's not coming back here. Do not serve him if you see him. Well, one of the bartenders couldn't tell whether or not if it was him or not, served him. He run, he starts running up the tab. I pulled my ass down there.'cause I was watching the cameras and I saw it was him. I pulled my ass down there and I was like, I was like, you need to pay your bill now and you need to leave. And he was like, oh wait, I don't have money. And I was like,

Benyi: 45:04

again,

Rachel: 45:04

we're not doing this. Yeah. I was like, yeah, no. I don't really care if you have money or not. I said, you're gonna get out now. I was like, and I asked the bartender like, Hey, what's this tab out? It was like 35 bucks. And um, there was this kid that we know with that was with him and he is like, yeah. Like I grew up across the street from him. I'm like, well, your buddy has enough money to pay the bill. He was like, are you fucking kidding me? I said, no. So he is like, here take, he just paid for his stuff and he yelled at the kid and um, I dragged him out by his arms. Okay. Dragged him out. And I was like, you need to get help. You need help. Like, I like really like was trying to like. I told him, I'm like, if you don't, like, if you don't stop, this is gonna be a problem. Oh. And he had, before I ripped him out of the bar, he went behind the bar and poured himself a shot. Yep. And I said, oh, no. This was like right before I got there. Once I heard that, that's when I was like, all right, this is gonna be a problem.

46:01

Yeah.

Rachel: 46:03

And I, and then I ripped him out and all that happened. Um, but I told him straight up. I was like, I'll call your father right now to come and get you. Like, I will have him come here and get you. Like, this is not, you can't be doing this. He ended up getting fired from the other place.

Benyi: 46:19

Oh man. That's crazy.

Rachel: 46:21

Yeah. So it, it was like real, it's really difficult to see like the decline. In which he's going at such a young age.

46:30

Yeah.

Rachel: 46:31

It's really sad. Yeah. Um, and I really hope he gets help, but I don't think he will.

Benyi: 46:36

Yeah. Yeah. That's the, that's like the crux of this and ever of us. It's like we, thanks to God, we are doing good ourselves. Yes. But like, the people you know, who are still sick and suffering, you cannot help them. You have to let them suffer. And, um,

Rachel: 46:56

well, they have to learn from themselves. Like, Hey, I, I want help. Yeah. But there's always gonna be like, what is the, what is the bottom? Like what is the bottom? That they're gonna hit

Benyi: 47:06

that. Yeah.

Rachel: 47:07

What is that gonna be?

Benyi: 47:09

Yeah, that's, uh, that's like the

Rachel: 47:10

kid already went to, he already got arrested. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like that would, you know, you would think that might be alright. He's this however old he is, you know. He's younger than 30.

Benyi: 47:22

Yeah.

Rachel: 47:23

You know,

Benyi: 47:24

that, like, you know, being arrested, trapped to like, uh, in front of your coworkers. Yeah.

Rachel: 47:29

It is just like, you know, I, I don't know. I, I thought that might've done it, like to snap him out of it, but No, no. It's gonna be way worse. Unfortunately. I, I believe it is.

Benyi: 47:38

It doesn't, but, you know, that's principal now. Um, how do you feel? I'm gonna tell you how I feel when, uh, at the store we work out. I see people coming in and being like wasted or high on drugs and starting acting out. I have two reactions most of the time I close the store and they come at night and I'm like, here comes the tweaker.

48:08

Yeah.

Benyi: 48:09

And I'm like, ah, we gonna be here forever. Like, you know, and it happened, actually, it happened two days ago, Monday night. Uh, we had a tweaker. And as soon as, uh, they entered the store, I was like, they came at nine 30, like 30 minutes before close. And I was like, yeah, they're gonna be here forever. And I left at 10 30 and I was like, I just, I'm, I've like conflicted, uh, reaction. I'm annoyed differently. Yeah.

48:42

Because you wanna go home. Yeah. I wanna go home

Benyi: 48:45

and at the same time I have the compassion. But like, I, I'm not gonna lie to you that like, sometime I say, oh, here comes those, like, fuck up the drug addicts again. Yeah. Yeah. It, part of me is like, when I was drinking and using, it didn't cost my mind to go to a store. I will be in my room, in my apartment, like blasting some music, like some deep house playing with my DJ set. And do my lines. I will not bother anyone. So probably the concept of like being high and going to a store and like,

Rachel: 49:22

it is like, not even like, like yeah. I'm like, how

Benyi: 49:25

you ruining your high? Like, you know what's

Rachel: 49:27

crazy? I used to go to the store, wasted. I would literally be holding a wine glass in seven 11 with wine in like, I thought I was Rihanna. I'm like, I'll bring a wine glass wherever, wherever I go. Like, I literally was carrying a wine glass. I, I would open up a freaking white bar. Yeah. In the middle of like CVS. I don't know what I was thinking. I thought it was funny. Yeah. You guys are fucked up though. I thought it was funny. And now I think like, oh my God. Imagine if we saw that.

Benyi: 49:56

Yeah.

Rachel: 49:57

We would kick the person out immediately. Yeah. Like that just wouldn't happen.

Benyi: 50:01

Yeah. I saw, yeah, I, there was another time where a guy comes with a cup that's a alcohol he need to sauce like as soon as they enter, so, wow. And I'm like, yeah, I'm not dealing with that man. I'm gonna call the cops. He start like yelling at me. He wants to hug me. I'm like, get the hell out here. The worst is like, there was one guy, oh, you saw him? The guy with the uh, cookie monster jacket. Oh my God. That guy wanted to fight me. The jacket

Rachel: 50:29

was a giveaway.

Benyi: 50:30

Yeah. The jacket. And when I was looking at him, he had like powder under his nose. His nose was like,

Rachel: 50:38

good god.

Benyi: 50:39

And I'm like, yo, all right. So when he told me he was gonna fuck me up, I relaxed. I was like slightly putting myself in my shift on my, I shift my feet in my boxing stand Without raising my arm.

50:56

Yeah.

Benyi: 50:56

Just to duck in case it was sanding.

50:58

Yeah. It

Benyi: 50:59

was like, oh, let's go outside. Let's go outside. Okay. Okay. You go outside. Yeah, I'll meet you there. I was like, no, you gonna, you,

51:05

you're gonna go first.

Benyi: 51:08

And basically he, he got tired, he left. But yeah, like

51:13

it's, it's, um, my level of compassion is

Benyi: 51:21

definitely there, but at the same time, not just need to do a job, but I think it's both valid sentiments to be fed up at those people Who, uh, cannot get the shit together. And at the same time feeling a certain level of empathy. I don't think they're like, mutually exclusive of each other. Um, but yeah. I want to circle back to something that you said earlier about like, you being diagnosed and taking medication. So now you know you are dual diagnosed. And what is it like when, because I've seen you like sometime have panic attacks. Yes. And you know, going through your moments at work, how do you see the wave coming? Does it happen like anytime? Or how does Yeah,

Rachel: 52:15

so usually when I get, so I have borderline personality disorder and I have bipolar disorder. Originally I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD, they switched my diagnosis to borderline. And um, by. So I didn't understand what borderline personality disorder was. I was like, that sounds like when you have like seven people inside of you. And then I was like, wait, no, that's split personality. That's not the advantage. That's seven people.

52:49

Yeah. I was like,

Rachel: 52:50

oh my God, what are they trying to tell me? Yeah. Um, but so when I realized what borderline was, I was like, oh, a lot of this stuff actually makes sense. There's still a lot of it that's, um, I feel like women get diagnosed with borderline super, like, super easily. Because there's so many underlying things that could be, excuse me, could be that they just say, oh, you have borderline. Um, because it fits the depression, it fits the anxiety, it fits the panic attacks, it fits all of those little things, the criteria. But I don't necessarily feel. Um, like it coming along, I guess. There's certain things that I will be like, oh God, like I'm going through it. Yeah. Um, like I think I had said to you the other day, like, oh my God, I'm like extremely manic.. That I can tell when I start talking really fast. Um, when I can't focus on one thing, I don't let other people speak or like, I'll just interrupt them. Like, it's hard for me to sit still. It's hard for me to like be quiet and I start getting like very, um, just fast-paced, but it's crazy because. Our boss, I guess, right? Yeah. He picks up on it. Okay. Very like, before I, before I start crying. He'll be like, go take a lap. Go take a lap. Like he knows, like, it's coming before I even know. It's weird. And I'm like, holy shit. So it's, I feel comfortable, and I think that's why I get emotional is because I feel like holy shit, like somebody gets it. Like somebody can actually tell that I'm not okay right now. And it's almost like that's why I start crying. It's almost like an embarrassing feeling because it's like, oh my God. Like, does everybody notice it? Is everybody seeing this? Am I acting different? Am I acting weird? Um, because I can't really tell. But then I start getting like, almost like an out of body kind of feeling. And that's when like, I know I'm really, really manic, so it's really hard to try to figure out how to, um, how do I separate my state of mind? Because I'm already dissociating, I already feel out of body. So how do I stop that from happening while I'm in public, in front of people without seeming like psychotic?

55:33

Got it.

Rachel: 55:34

Yeah. It's really, really difficult. So that's why I'll run into the back and I'll grab my bag and I'll take my medicine really quick because I know if I take it, it will like start to calm me down in like 30 minutes or 25 minutes or whatever. But um, before when I was abusing the medication, because I was drinking on it, I just felt like. I felt untouchable. I was like, yeah, life is great.

56:03

Yeah,

Rachel: 56:04

nobody's gonna bother me. I don't care. I used to literally, it would be like, I just wanna, I just want a one naked around the world. Like, it was like, it just was like, I just was like, who cares? You know? Now it just grounds me and I'm like, all right. Like, you know, I'm feeling better. Of course, though, that's eviction, right? Yeah. So now it's like a part of me tries not to take that specific medication for when I, you know, do get the panic attacks and stuff like that, because I need to really try to figure out how to, how can I handle this Without medication. And it is very, very difficult. Um, because it is again, the state of my mind. And in the position that we're in, we have to be so unfazed. And we have to be so like levelheaded. And in the moments that I get like that, I'm not levelheaded.

Benyi: 57:05

Yeah.

Rachel: 57:06

And I can't bring myself down on my own

Benyi: 57:08

because, uh, there's too

Rachel: 57:09

much going on. Yeah. There's too much.

Benyi: 57:11

Yeah.

Rachel: 57:11

There's too, there's too much noise around. It's just, you know, everybody's talking. I can't really, you know, meditate in my mind to be like, all right, let's focus on breathing. Yeah. Like, I just, there's just too much shit going on. Yeah.

Benyi: 57:26

You're like, uh, if I understand correctly, you can, there's too much, it's hard to filter Yes. Information because at the same time you need to look at people, make sure they don't steal. Yeah. You have like a lot of people talking to you. You have all this distraction. And I remember when you just started, um, you, you were a bit overwhelming. Yeah. I understood. Because like the job has at the beginning, your. Your sensors are hiding to like dial to 11 because you won't to catch everything. Yeah.

Rachel: 57:57

And you said to me, you're not gonna catch everything. You

Benyi: 57:59

are not gonna catch everything. Just, just relax. Just relax. Uhhuh. Yeah. Just dial down. And it takes time. Even me, took me time to host this and be like, okay, there's some behavior that when I see, I'm like, okay, uh, yeah, this person. But at the beginning I was processing everything. Yeah. I was processing everything. And people think that we just sit there and, and watch. I know like, no, no. The level, there's so

Rachel: 58:24

much more that goes on

Benyi: 58:25

the level of, uh, um, concentration that the no one needs

58:34

Yes.

Benyi: 58:34

To distinguish between what's just a normal person scanning the item and the person who's like, you know, who has like ultra your motives. Yes. Like it's, it's, it's like nine. You really, you have to

Rachel: 58:49

pay attention to everything. Plus. Everything else that's going on outside. Yeah. Inside. You don't know, like, what's like, you just like when especially, uh, it's just like It's a lot. Yeah. It's a lot. It's a lot. It can be a lot to deal with.

Benyi: 59:05

What is your process like to, to stay, uh, mentally or spiritually fit now? Like, do you, you talk about meditation, you meditate.

Rachel: 59:15

Yeah. So it's mostly at night. I meditate. I try to meditate before I go to sleep. That's like the number one thing. Um, but a lot of it is like more so I journal a lot. I I journal a lot, um, writing down things, even if it's just like scribbling, like I'll just scribble on a page just to get out whatever feeling I'm feeling. Um, a lot of the time it's just like talking, talking it out, fall therapy. Um, but I think what I found most helpful is, as maybe corny as this is gonna sound, is this really leaning into my faith, um, the higher

Benyi: 1:00:01

power. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's not corny. Yeah. Yeah. It's,

Rachel: 1:00:05

but it's true. You know, it really is. It's whatever you believe in, it doesn't matter. It's just like, all right, that's, I mean, that's what I just, I leaned into like, okay, there is something. Bigger than me going on here. Right? The world is like a little speck. Nothing matters. It does not matter. It matters, but it doesn't matter. Right? So don't get so caught up in the little things.

1:00:29

Because

Rachel: 1:00:30

it's not gonna matter tomorrow. It's not gonna make or break your whole life. Even a little thing like, you know? Okay. Um, we, when we seen, oh, I don't know. You weren't there

Benyi: 1:00:47

for what?

Rachel: 1:00:47

Uh, the, the young girl that was like crying'cause she was stealing and all this stuff, and we were like, Hey, listen, like this isn't the end of your life. Like, just don't do this shit again. Yeah. Like the mom

Benyi: 1:00:58

guys, uh, stopped from the, she was a teenager, right? Yeah. She was like 16. Yeah.

Rachel: 1:01:02

And I'm like, girl, like, listen, whatever you're going through, like this isn't the end. Like, you know, you're gonna get in trouble by your parents, I'm sure. Yeah. But like, you shouldn't have done that. Like, when you're like that age. You know, listen, we've all stolen before. All of us, I don't care who you are, you've stolen before, even if it was like a penny or something, change off a table, whatever it is you've stolen before a piece of gum. I don't care.

1:01:27

Yeah.

Rachel: 1:01:27

Everybody's done it. Um, so even if it was accidentally or whatever, you steal people's time.

1:01:37

Ugh. Thank,

Rachel: 1:01:39

um, you steal people's time, you steal people's energy. Whatever it is, everybody is a thief. Right. So it's just how you look at it. Yeah. Right. They, she sold something physical, right. Product. But I feel like, you know, when we were trying to really explain to her is like, listen, like this is not your life. Like this is not something that's going to ruin you right now. This is something little. It's not, you're not going to jail. The cops aren't getting called the. If you continue to do this Yeah. Then you, you will get arrested and it's gonna be a little harder Yeah. To get your life on track then, because now you have this record. Right. Um, and I can say that with confidence, not because like I've ever gotten arrested, but it's, you know, I've had a lot of my friends Yeah. Have been to jail, um, or up top and they had really, really bad when they got out, they did not know what to do because nowhere was hiring them because they were convicted felons. So a lot of them became like personal trainers. A lot of them became, um, you know, doing their own thing, uh, business wise, whatever. Um, but then there are places that do hire felons and I think, you know, yeah. It's not the same thing as getting a quick flip, you know, for some, some money, but. It's better than nothing and you have to build your life somewhere. But you know, it's just get, I kind of got a little off topic there, but just, you know,

Benyi: 1:03:18

you are talking your faith. Yeah. Yeah. Getting back to that is

Rachel: 1:03:21

just really like believing that there really is something Beyond us. Right. And that when you do good, good comes back to you. And that's what I just tell myself. If I do good I'm gonna get good. Yeah. Right. If I, if I do bad, I'm gonna receive that.

1:03:38

Yeah.

Rachel: 1:03:39

Bad back. Whether that's, whether that's me being in pain, me getting into that motorcycle accident, I believe that was karma.

Benyi: 1:03:47

Yeah.

Rachel: 1:03:48

You know what I'm saying? Yo,

Benyi: 1:03:49

that motorcycle accident I saw, I saw you sharing on, I was like, girl, what the fuck you doing on the motorcycle? Yeah. Well, you know what's

Rachel: 1:03:57

crazy, I used to go on the back of like, my ex used to ride. I was always on the back of his bike. Um, a lot of my. My uncle's ride, you know? Um, I don't think I've ever gotten on the back of the bike with them funny enough, but I went on like random people's bikes. I've never had something so crazy happen to me in my life. Um, and I'm lucky to be here today, so it's almost like this is like the third time like that I've like escaped us and I'm just like, oh my God. Like

1:04:25

Jesus Christ. Yeah.

Rachel: 1:04:26

Like, I'm really, really lucky. Like there is, it's just, it's, it's really insane and it brings me more to say, okay, well what purpose do I have to be here? Because clearly I have a purpose, right? Yeah. There's clearly a purpose for me to be here, otherwise I'd be dead. Not to say God, you know, anybody that died Yeah. Or has died, didn't have a purpose in this life anymore, but maybe there was something beyond that they need to accomplish. I don't know. Again, I don't know what everybody believes in. I don't even really know to an extent of what I believe in. I don't know if I believe in, uh, reincarnation. I don't know what I like. I don't know. There's so many things that we just don't know.

Benyi: 1:05:08

Oh, yeah.

Rachel: 1:05:09

But what I do know is there is absolutely something bigger than all of us.

Benyi: 1:05:13

Yeah.

Rachel: 1:05:13

So that I will keep saying, okay. Again, whatever the karma was that I got to get into that motorcycle accident is cleared.

1:05:24

Yeah.

Rachel: 1:05:25

And the minor inconveniences that happen to me are karma for some way that I've behaved or acted to people. Um, so I try to be very mindful of how I act to people, how I speak to people, how I treat people, um, because I do really believe that it goes full circle.

Benyi: 1:05:47

Yeah. I get it. I get it. So now like, um, do you still go to therapy or, yes. Okay. Yes.

Rachel: 1:05:55

I still go to therapy. I have a session tomorrow.

Benyi: 1:05:58

Hey. Hey,

Rachel: 1:05:59

look at that.

Benyi: 1:06:00

Um, so

Rachel: 1:06:01

I have, yeah, I have, um, the psychiatrist, the therapist, and then off to work.

Benyi: 1:06:05

But, um, how is, um, who is in your round table of friends? Like you dating somebody right now, right?

1:06:13

Yes.

Benyi: 1:06:13

How is it, are you different with them when you go to your episodes or, or like, are you able to, for lack of better word, be comfortable being crazy around him or like Yeah, yeah, like that?

Rachel: 1:06:29

So, yeah, I think it really helped because we were friends Before we started dating. So he really knows like a lot about me. Um, I've FaceTimed him when I was with my exes, like, well, I was dating them at the time, you know what I mean? But my exes now, but like. And I'd been like, all right, what do you think about this person? Like, we never really looked at each other in that way. Um, until the accident happened. And then it was like, maybe I care more about this person than I thought I did. Um, I enjoy their company. So for me it was more so like, well, we were friends. And he hurt all the craziness, saw some craziness. So for me, it's not, you know, I'm very like a hundred percent, I feel like I can be myself with him and he gets to see the good and the bad. Like, okay, I'm, I lash out on him. Yeah.

1:07:25

And

Rachel: 1:07:25

I'm like, and I'll like start crying. I'm like, I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm acting like this to you. Like, I shouldn't be acting like this. Like, it's not, it's not nice. Like, I'm not being nice to you.

1:07:35

Oh no.

Rachel: 1:07:36

And he's like, it's okay. It's just, you know, different, a different racial today. And I'm like, no, it's not okay. Don't allow me to treat you like this.

1:07:44

Yeah.

Rachel: 1:07:44

Um. It's more so like, I just get really like snippy. Like I just have no patience, which we both know I have patience. But I just, but I don't at the same time. So I get very like, and I'm like, oh my God, I'm sorry. But yeah. No, get, like the other day I was like, oh, I'm gonna to the strip club and he was like, have fun.

Benyi: 1:08:08

Wait, you went to the school club without him? Yeah. What?

Rachel: 1:08:11

Yeah, me and my, me and my homeboy went. I was like, it was very unplanned though. It was like we were actually supposed to come here and have wca. They were closed. Um, I, no, they were closing. So I was like, let's go to Huntington. We went to Huntington, the spot was closed and I was like, oh my God. And he was like, I was like, let's go to um, this strip club right on the block. Maybe they have hookah there.'cause I know like places in the city do. They did not. And that place was trash. And I was like, oh no. And he is like, come on, let's go to starlets. And I was like, all right, let's go. So we went to Starlets. It was great. I had a stripper in my face, twerking. I was like, oh, come girl. Um, but I showed my man, I'm like, look, it was fun. Like he knew. He doesn't even know the guy that I was with, but I like FaceTimed him. I showed him. So I think like a, another thing is like we just trust each other and that's like very important as well. Yeah.

Benyi: 1:09:03

Trust is very important. Yeah.'cause other

Rachel: 1:09:05

people are like, I would never let my go my girl go to a club when a, a strip club when I'm a different guy. I am like, that's'cause you're insecure.

Benyi: 1:09:13

Yeah. All right. Uh, we are reaching the end of this interview. It's, uh, yeah,

1:09:19

we reached a hour mark. Um, so what are you looking forward in your, in your recovery that, um,

Benyi: 1:09:36

now that like you're almost four years sober. Uh, are you thinking, for example, going back to the, doing the social work or like, uh,

Rachel: 1:09:46

so what,

Benyi: 1:09:47

what do you have planned?

Rachel: 1:09:48

So, I think a big part of me getting sober, you know, I've always had this mindset of like, I'm gonna be a billionaire.

1:09:56

Okay. I don't care what

Rachel: 1:09:57

anybody, I said trillionaire, I'm gonna be a trillionaire. Yeah. Right. Ooh, me. Yes, me. I'm gonna be a trillionaire. I don't care. I'm, it's gonna happen. And I think that the way that I was going while I was drinking was, you know, I have such a strong attitude. I have such a strong way About myself, very addictive personality. Um, so when I want something, I will get it. And I've always kind of had that go-getter attitude. So I think me being drunk a lot of the time was hindering. I. That opportunity for me. Now I feel, you know, like I started my clothing brand and, um, you know, I have plans to build my business and, and acquire businesses. I don't know exactly what yet, but, you know, I wanna go back to school, get my master's, like There. So yeah, like do I think I would go back into social work? I don't know if I would go back into social work. I'm, I kind of wanna open up my own therapy practice, whether that's substance abuse or straight up therapy. Not too sure yet, but, um, I feel like a, a lot of what I'm here to do is spread awareness and also, uh, really as bad as this might sound, is take on other people's problems. Mm. Right. And I know that's not a really healthy thing to do. I. But I wanna help people. So in a sense, you do have to take on their problems in order to help them. Yeah. But I think that's, you know, one of the bigger things that I have planned. And, um, another thing is that I would like to gather entrepreneurs, um, in whatever, I don't care what you do. You know, it could be in whatever realm, but get everybody together and get the community closer. Because I just feel as a society we've really stepped off of that communal

Benyi: 1:12:10

feeling. Yeah.

Rachel: 1:12:12

Yeah. They like, there is just no sense of community anywhere, I feel. Yeah. Um, and that's why people feel so unsafe. So if there was a stronger sense of community, I think that would really help everyone.

1:12:23

Yeah.

Rachel: 1:12:24

And so I wanna bring that together and get well, everybody that has a small business and has their own business, Hey guys, let's go to them. Let's, let's support them. Yeah. Right. Let's, let's, you know, mom and pop shop, let's go to them instead of going to ihop. Yeah. You know, sorry, ihop. I love you guys. You know, it just, you know, let's go, let's go to support this community. Um You know, mom and pop breakfast spot local business. Yeah. Yeah. Like, let's go support them. A lot of the businesses around here are like dying out. Yeah. You know, and it's like, why, why aren't we supporting them more? Mm.

Benyi: 1:13:02

I get it. You, you have a very No, uh, cause you know, and I don't worry about you. And, um, yeah. You're gonna do great things, Rachel. Thank you. All right guys. Uh, thank you very much for staying with us and, uh, this is the end of this episode and I appre I hope that you appreciate this week's guest and I will see you guys in a couple weeks. Bye bye.