Episode 64: Finding Peace

Hello, hello and welcome back to another episode of Stairway to Redemption.

In this heartfelt episode, I welcome Mac, a recovering alcoholic and addict who recently celebrated one year of sobriety. Mac shares his gripping story of addiction, relapse, and the tragic loss of his girlfriend to an overdose. He discusses the importance of building a strong foundation for recovery, finding spirituality through the 12 steps, and the impact of a supportive sponsor. Mac opens up about his struggles, the lessons he's learned, and his ongoing journey towards a better life. This raw and inspirational episode explores themes of resilience, accountability, and the pursuit of inner peace.

00:00 Introduction and Guest Welcome
00:29 Mac's Journey to Recovery
02:12 The Relapse and Its Consequences
03:39 Finding Spiritual Connection
07:11 The Turning Point
12:37 Rebuilding Life and Sobriety
24:41 Living Modestly and Finding Peace
25:38 Dealing with Envy and Personal Growth
26:28 Relationships and Emotional Healing
27:43 Challenges and Acceptance
41:59 Spiritual Fitness and Honesty
44:24 Advice to Younger Self and Final Thoughts

Transcript

Benyi: 0:00

Hello, hello, and welcome back to another episode of Stairway to Redemption. Uh, this week I welcome another brother from my, uh, a group, um, has recently celebrated one year, and, uh, he has accepted to share his story with us. And also he is gonna tell us what Scar team sober and spiritually fit so far. I give you guys Mac. Mac. How you doing?

Mac: 0:26

Good evening. Good evening. Mm-hmm. Thank you. Thank you. Blessings. Um, my name is Mac and I'm an alcoholic and addict. Uh, it's grateful to be here on the show with you tonight and, uh, for me to, uh, allow me to share my story, um, past, present, and future.

Benyi: 0:45

Alright, that's great. So, like, you know, the show, the first, uh, uh, the first question is the state of the mind, right? So what's going on with you lately? What you've been up to?

Mac: 0:55

Um, honestly, um, you know, I just been getting to, getting comfortable with myself. Mm-hmm. You know, um, I just really listen to what my sponsor had said. Um, don't do nothing for a year. You know, uh, just get comfortable with yourself, get comfortable with the program and everything else would take care of itself. Mm-hmm. Um, get a found, build a foundation, build that arc, you know, build that solid foundation and, and, and in and in turn build that arch to where, you know, I could be able to walk through a free man. And that's what I did, and that's what I believed wholeheartedly. And that's what I, that's what I did.

Benyi: 1:41

Mm-hmm.

Mac: 1:42

And, uh, that's what I'm doing. I can't say did that. I'm in the pro, I'm still a work in progress. So that's what I'm doing. And, um, I'm just trying to love, lay a great solid foundation and trusting a power greater than myself, which is a higher power. And, um,

Benyi: 1:58

I will not, my will be. Alright, yo. Beautifully said. Uh, so yeah, first, first, first, um, tell us more about your story. So how did you end up in the recovery? Mm.

Mac: 2:12

Well, my story's a two part story. Mm-hmm. Um, how I, I'm a product of a relapse. Um, I came into this fellowship, not this one in particular. I came into Narcotics Anonymous first. Um, from a way of addiction, alcoholic and drug addiction mm-hmm. At a rapid pace. And, um, in 2022, went to treatment, went to, went to rehab. Um, lost it all. Lost my house, lost my business, uh, lost my will to drive. Um. And, um, I, I had the intention to get it right. Mm-hmm. Went through the whole format, formality of, I stayed in a therapeutic community for about eight months. Uh, I was going to meetings, uh, every day, but I was, but there was something that was lacking. I was clean, I was sober, but I, I was lacking something. Because I was good. I was, I was, I love fellowshipping. I love going to meetings, going to the dances, going to the parties, and just making meetings all the time. There's always something to do. And, um, but there was no spiritual connection. As I look back now and see, there was no spiritual connection. So I was going through the, I was, I was like playing house with no rent. With myself mm-hmm. With my mind, with my soul, uh, with my sobriety. And, um, I moved out to therapeutic community, got an apartment, but while I was in there, I was dating someone, didn't work out. And I fell in love with this girl that I met at my, at my community and I met her there. And, uh, slowly but surely we started to. Then the dating started to happen within my first year. Mm-hmm. Um, she's been in this, she was in this process, but, um, as after my year, after some time, I had a year and some change, year and a half, and I just, I decided one night to just go out. It wasn't just decided it was the buildup.'cause we started out by doing subtle things. Yeah. And then the subtle relapse came, and then I just fell right back into, right back into Pandora's Box all over again.

Benyi: 5:01

Mm-hmm.

Mac: 5:01

And it was just me and her and every time she would go and get treatment, but I would stay back and she would. She would be on the, she'll be off the sauce, I'll be on the sauce, and it just wasn't working. And then to one time it just like, we both were just on it. Crazy. Yeah. Fast forward to this year, to last year. Um, you know, uh, it just got worse. It got worse, you know, working no program. I say that now because I'm looking back at it now to say like, you know, I was in the, I was in the, I was in the allure mm-hmm. Of, of the abyss of my emotions, myself, my feelings, and in the sickness of this disease. And I was committed to it, you know, I was committed to it. There was nothing you can tell me. I was committed to it. We were committed to each other and we would go to any length to catch that next one, the kid to high all day, every day. Just the insanity of it. And it's like the blind leading the blind, even though I was older than high, which still didn't matter. We were still on the same playing field when it came down to it. And, um. Sleepless nights hurting of parents from both sides, lying, manipulating, stealing, hurting ourselves. Um, yeah. It just took us to places we, and things that we would never, never imagined, uh, have of, of doing. And I've heard shares in the rooms of it, but I've always said in the back of my mind, that will never happen to me. I will never be that person. That that cannot never happen to me. I know what institutions, you know, going back and forth to jail and then death. So I, so it's like in a short amount of time, in like less, in like a year, I experienced all of those things. My girlfriend running tricks and it's just stuff that I, everything that you hear in the rooms. Yeah. You know, and then stuff like, you know, like, we get so high we can't sleep and bug out and all this stuff. What was your

Benyi: 7:35

drug

Mac: 7:36

choice? Uh, that was, uh, crack, cocaine and heroin. Okay. And, and alcohol of course. Mm-hmm. But, um, I was on crack and she was on heroin, and then once you meet a heroin addict and you become a, you're a crack addict, it's just like,

Benyi: 7:48

vice versa. Yeah, vice

Mac: 7:49

versa. So it's like, you know, she just did a lot. I, and I came up with the idea of like, you know what, so that you don't od just, just smoke. So then that way, you know,'cause if I'm not around, I can't save you Uhhuh. But still, Haring was her first love, so it was her fir. And I understand why they say that your first love. Because like even coming back, it was multiple times in the apartment. I would just be in the kitchen here, boom, boom. Od like, you know, I would have to Narcan, Narcan, Narcan, you know, a couple of times. And, um, one of these fatal times we got arrested on a, on a Monday night.'cause we were drugless we had no money at the time. We was just, we couldn't, it was already, we can't, it was just, we was just in the. In the grips of it. And, um, we were like knife fighting. And I remember this day, like it was clearly just had, my family had just dropped us off something from the diner.

Benyi: 8:48

Mm-hmm.

Mac: 8:49

And, um, I was, I was irking, I was picking at her and, um, I poked the bear as they say, and then she, I wound up calling the cops again. Cops came. We were both going to jail because we were like, the knives was, it was like knife holes everywhere, stuff. It was just crazy. And, um, we both wind up getting arrested this particular night.

Benyi: 9:14

Mm-hmm.

Mac: 9:15

Freeport police took us in. They're like, you two are crazy. I'm telling them I still love her. She say she still loves me. I see her in the arraignment booth and my, the morning of. I'm telling her, don't worry, you're not gonna go to jail. So they take, I go up first. She's sitting up there sitting in the thing.'cause they bring her up and these are the last view moments that I remember looking into her face. And, um, I just couldn't, I just couldn't see anything because I had to, I said, I, I was like, I. But I was like kind of high, still high and looking, I think I said, I love you. And then they let her go up. When I came back down, she never came back down. So obviously I know they let her go. Mm-hmm. I got to the jail, I called her because you gotta get that one call was like, Hey babe, you at, um, and him start, I love you. I love you too. When am I gonna hear from you again? I was like, I don't know you sh high. I was like, yeah, somebody gave her something. I said, go to your grandmother's house. I. She said, okay, all right. I was like, no, babe, seriously, go to your grandmother's house. So she went to, she went to her grandmother's house. So was just Tuesday, March 23rd, she passed away. She od ah, so I, the last remnants of, of, I remember her is looking at her as I'm walking through with handcuffs and she's sitting like right here in the jail, in the, in the courtroom. And then the last words to her. I love her. Like I, I guess I love you. I love you too, baby. And those are the last words I ever heard from her. Say, but the caveat is that yes, those were the last words we said to each other, even though we were in the calamity of our toxicity. Mm-hmm. Um, she died on that Saturday. Um. And, and Wow. I didn't find out about it until Wednesday, until I went to court. Mm-hmm. And I had to find out about it in a bullpen of Men Manola Courthouse. So it was so frustrating. It was so crazy. I was upset, I was hurt. I. All I want, I wanted to just kill my, all I knew was this. I wanted to just take myself.'cause I just wanted to be with her. Mm-hmm. You know, and I tried. I, I, like, I got out. I just got high from the day I got out, tried to look cool, gave her something. I was in hims. I was just bugging. And Sunday and Saturday night, I was at my mom's house. My sister was work, my sister was out, my mom was working. I. I couldn't finish it. I couldn't, it just wouldn't take me. We just, we just wouldn't, I was on a mission. It just wouldn't take me. I just wouldn't, I just, I just wouldn't, so I went to rehab. I tried to, I tried to get high before I went to rehab, but it didn't, didn't pan out. Mm-hmm. I couldn't get it. I still a little smoke was a little K two, but it was like I bugged out and then I was like, you know what? It's not meant for me to get high. It's meant for me to just to go to, this is it, this is it, this is, this is it. Get to South Oaks, get inside, and this is it. And then when you got out of there,

Benyi: 13:09

that's when now you have that one year you started coming here. He started

Mac: 13:13

coming here. I met, I met my sponsor at South Oaks. Mm-hmm. Uh, he shared and like basically his share was just like, see the life or death, you know? And I called him and he said like, you know, wow, I didn't really think you were gonna call me. And I was like, yeah. And I just knew that he was assigned to me. I just didn't know how many days. I don't care if he had two days. Yeah. I just knew that I liked, I just knew that he had something I didn't have. Yeah. I didn't care if he had six months, two days or, or two weeks. Lo and behold, come to find out, he had long more time than that, but Yeah. But still, but like he just that, that, that, that, that frothy emotional pill that he delivered mm-hmm. Had death and weight and. And I can say this now, he presented something to me in my spiritual toolkit at that time, Uhhuh, you know, that, that that resonated within me. And, and, and, and what it was was the la he, he, he spoke to me with through the language of the heart, you know? And, um, for that I'm grateful because he was all these things that he was dealing with with. Through it, through the steps and by working through the steps thoroughly and consistently, it allowed me to work on me. It allowed me to be to the person I, I am to this exact moment. Not perfect'cause I'm still a work in progress, but I practice these principles in all my affairs. Okay,

Benyi: 14:54

I see. No, like, you know, like, but what, what you just said right now. May make sense because I'm not, you know, I'm gonna be honest with you. When I started talking to you here, I thought that like you had a long sobriety because the way you carry yourself, losing your son, like very enlightened and um, that you know, you like very, I I've been in the room, I mean long enough I believe to, to, I've seen some people we've. More times that don't sound like you, you know, like, and I was surprised when you, you know, heard that you only had one year. So it triggered me. I was like, you know, let's ask Mike if he always wanted to, you know, if he's willing to, to be a guest on the podcast so he can tell us your story, my story, tell us his story, and, uh, pick his brain a little bit. But from what I'm hearing, um, do you. Did you go to the step the first time when you had that year before your relapse? No. Okay. So would it be fair to say that like it's true the steps that you found that spiritual awakening that you know, that you were missing the first time? Yeah. Yeah. Like, you know,'cause me also, I'm a believer in, in, in the steps and uh, uh, I definitely found my spirituality after going through the steps. And, uh, one part that you just said. When your sponsor, who is your sponsor, by the way? Um, Brian Cosmo. Yo. Yeah, shout out Cosmo. He was a guest on the podcast, so Yeah, I think I, I thought he that was him, but like, yeah. So yeah, when Brian speaks, he speak to the, to the heart. Right. And, um, um, let me say this before I ask you the question. I kind of had, I was, I. I was annoyed at the fact that when I got in the room, everything had to be relatable, like everybody was. Oh, I can relate to what you're saying. I thought like people was, were just dropping the word relating or identifying easily like that. But when I studied the book and I went to uh, uh, the first chapter, especially more about alcoholism, where they talk about the log and all that stuff, I was like, huh. I guess I've saw the power that identification gives to other people. And Brian, bless his soul, he's somebody who, when he spoke like, you can't really identify because my issue was that being an immigrant, not being from here, not having lived here, like, you know, like grew up here. I started coming here when I went to college. My identification was not like at the, was at the different level, at the deeper level, you know, like it was at the feelings. Like that's when the same feelings that those people had, I had the same but indifferent circumstances. Right. I never like stole a car or anything like that, so I couldn't relate to the jail thing, like, you know. But like I can tell that you, when he spoke to you, you were like finally able to identify with the guy, right.

Mac: 18:01

Yeah, I was, I identified just the physical, like, you know, like,'cause at the time, like I was dealing with grief. Mm-hmm. I was dealing with, if I want to leave this place or go to leave this place, I was on probation. Like, if I leave here am I gonna get valid? Go time again. Mm-hmm. Um, I just had came outta jail. Um, and it wasn't for like crazy, it was just'cause I was on probation for, you know, drink driving, but I was violating because I was doing drugs at the same token. So that's why I just kept violating. Mm. And then, um, but everybody was give was kept working with me. Like my probation officer loved me and, and I, and I just, I identified with him, like from his story. It was just like the fact that it was just like, listen, if I pick up again, I'm going to die. Alcohol is anonymous. How afforded me a life beyond my wildest dreams, you know, yes, I do drive an, so I do have a house, like, you know, the things that he worked for, but it was more of the'cause the, the message that he was portraying and that he was representing. Uh, that's, that's what was impressive. That's what was more like. Resignating with me, you know, because at the time, like I was vulnerable. Yeah. So anything could have been good.'cause it was people in there like, let's just get out. Like, yo, let's link up when we get out. Like, you know, let's, yeah, let's, like, you know, like, yeah. I be, I've seen those before. Yeah. Like, gimme your number. Like, like the wheels are turning up in here. Like, yeah. I, I know. Like, so it was like, and then it did happen when I got out of there like, yo, and I was like, yo, well, you know. I was like, nah. The first time guys called me, I was like, nah. Like, I'm like, you know, um, my sister's coming over, coming up from school, you know, I was making up excuses. And then the second time I was like, yo, let's go to a meeting. And then he was like, nah, nah, nah. I didn't end the conversation. So I was like, you know what? I made the, I made the right decision, but when I was in there, it was like, I don't know. You know, my ex, she spoke to my ex, spoke to me and was like, listen, like, you know, you got, you gonna do this. Like, I got your back. Like, you know, you gotta, you gotta do this. Like, you got, like, you got to, and I brought that up to my sponsor. He is like, nah, it's not crazy at all. He's like, you know, like, I was like, you know, she was like, you gotta like, you know, I like, you gotta do this. And, and by doing this, I've seen, I haven't through, you know, multiple feelings, you know. Being with women and I developed like, yeah, I can be celibate, I can do this, I can trust in myself, I can work on myself. Um, yeah, I may have crushes and likes, but still that's just a, it's just a feeling. Feelings go.

Benyi: 20:55

Yeah, feelings

Mac: 20:55

go away.

Benyi: 20:56

Lu, what are you saying? Basically, you don't have to act on it. You don't have to act on anything. On anything.

Mac: 21:02

You know, like the, because they say thy will not my will be done it. That means something. Yeah. That, that, that really it. Implies like that, that that really implies, you know, so, um, yeah, like I'm not that person who I once was. I had a great career. I had a, you know, like I was one of those people, but I'm not that person anymore. Yeah. Like I, I would rather be able, I would rather be able to just go home, chill by myself, lay on bed, not watch it on tv, read a book, and just. And not just any book, the big book or any literature that have to do with Alcoholics Anonymous. That's, yeah. That's my life. Yeah. It's not nothing that I don't over bound myself with it, but I have balance in it. But that's, that's, that's what saves, that's what keeps me, that's what keeps me in, in the good grips. That's what keeps me safe.

Benyi: 21:54

That's what feed you of like spiritual fear. And if that's what keeps

Mac: 21:57

me safe, then mm-hmm. I'm gonna keep doing it. I'm gonna keep applying it. Mm-hmm. You know, it may not work for everybody else. They may just be good, but. I wasn't one of those people that, you know, like, bro, I jumped out of an ambulance at 50 miles an hour On the Sunrise Highway. Yeah. Already? Yeah. Okay. So it's like, I'm not like the typical, like, you know, I broke my tibia. I, I got high, I got, I got surgery in jail, incarcerated. I walked around with a broken tibia for two a month, you know, still trying to get high. Like, so it's like, you know, like the insanity. So I'm chasing this, not like I'm chasing the next high. I'm chasing this'cause my life depends on it. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Because my life depends on it. I don't know too many people that gonna jump out of an ambulance'cause they're running to try to get something with police behind you on semi highway in front of Home Depot. Jump out, think he's Tom Cruise, get tasered, run across the highway and I have a hundred police, Freeport Police guys on top of him. You know, because they had, he hadn't slept in two months, like, you know. Yeah. And not to mention it was September 11th too, not to add that, you know? Yeah. So it's like, you know, so it's weird. So it's like, you know, and get out the next morning out of the hospital and go right back to blasting off some moon rocks. That's,

Benyi: 23:20

that's something,

Mac: 23:21

you know, so when I, so when people say like, you know, like life, life is crazy. I know what life it means to live beyond their wildest dreams. You know, I, I know what it is, you know, to vacations and find dinners and, you know, luxury champagne and all that. Sweets and all that. That's, that was cool at a point in time in life. But yeah, I'm just, I'm at a point in my life, you know, where I just wanna be in peace. Yeah. And total peace. And, and, and to work a solid program. Mm-hmm. And, and, and possibly to help the next sick and suffering. Alcoholic addict behind me, whether young, old, in between, and let them know that, you know, there is a better, you know, I'm not promising you Bentleys and Maybachs, but that's up to you. That's up to you. Yeah. You know, private jets and fa you know, and that's, that's, if that's what you like, then you can always work hard for it, you know? But I, I, I, but, but I can guarantee you it, it, it says it in the book that, you know, um. We, we can recover. Yeah. You know, we can recover. But it also says, burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get wealth. Yeah. Regardless of anyone, the only condition is that he trust in God and clean house. Yeah. That's the promise I.

Benyi: 24:44

No, like, uh, you mentioned it earlier, like, uh, the, the, the importance of having like good foundation and I can identify with you with when it comes to like, you know, the fine dining, the champagne and all that. Like, I used to work in the city, in the media company, like, you know, I was like bowling hard, right? Uh, but like now, like, man, like. I live so modestly, like I don't, I don't work right now, you know, I just train boxing. But it's, it's not like I'm not making nearly what I was making and I'm at peace with that, you know? Like, I know it's a slow rebuild. Um, and I think, like you, you, you probably, from what I'm hearing from you, you have that mindset of like. Let's rebuild slowly, you know, and make sure that the foundation break by break. But, you know, we take our time. Um, do you sometime get, um, for lack of better words, envious when you see people around you having fake things, the things back much faster than you do?

Mac: 25:53

In the beginning I did. Mm-hmm. And I thought that like, I'm doing the right. Then I had to really realize that like, really doing some serious work on myself. Nah, everyone's, everyone's timing is different. Yeah. Well, what works for them may not work for me. I'm not, I, it's just like I had to, I, my mind works differently. Right. So it's like I had to read In living in Living sober. Uh, entanglements. Like how come everybody gets a girlfriend? Relationships? Yeah. And I had to read the, the, the, the, the, the part of en uh, entanglements, right. And living sober. And I read it all the time often and, and it makes so much because I'm not spiritually mature enough to handle

Benyi: 26:46

it. Yeah.

Mac: 26:46

But it'd be a female. It says, once you get good enough with your program, at your program, then you'll be able to handle those things. Yeah, those things that which will come to you. But until then. Be comfortable with where you're at. So yeah, when I see people get, I'm, I'm, I'm happy for them. I'm congratulatory of, of, of what? Of, oh, you know, that's nice. That's, you know, and even before, like in, in, in Life before, like I would always see people,'cause I was always around like people that was getting, you know, it was a competition with people and friends and coworkers, but. Always like, alright, you know, you got, oh, so some somebody's gonna come with something even harder. Yeah. So, but I don't have that same mindset anymore. Yeah. Like, you know, I'm not even in that same field of business, like, you know, um, I'm happy for them. Guarded, protected, you know, um, you know, that's, that's where, that's where I'm met. Um, you know, I am True, true. A true story. Um, I was in the auto business for years, you know, sales flyers, run dealerships, had my own and um, always had a car, you know, always decent car, nice car. I have lost my license three and a half years ago.

Benyi: 28:00

Mm-hmm.

Mac: 28:01

So this past Monday, I paid all my fines, whatever I had to set up to take my permit test. Right. Monday I get there. I don't need to study, I'm. That's true story. Yeah. Right. So I'm off Monday and Tuesday. Yeah. I, I have this plan, like, you know, okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, um, I'm gonna do it Tuesday. Tuesday, right. Go there Tuesday sale. So it's like, I told my sponsor, he was like, no. So everybody, my. So, and I'm like saying to myself like, I've driven for like 20 years. I dunno. Like so I don't know. But you know what it is, what my mom doing, it is what it is. I'm like, yo. There's a bigger purpose for me, you know?'cause I probably, I had the idea like, oh, I'm going to, I'm gonna pass. I'm only gonna take my cousin's car. You know, like, that's what I'm thinking. Like, I'm gonna take my cousin's car and this, that, and the third, so my will, you know? So it's like, you know, like, it's just so funny. So it's like. I just had to slow you down, you know, slow, slow me down, like, you know. Yeah. Because I, I was about to have all these bandios planned. No. Yeah.

Benyi: 29:27

Like you, you played the tip forward so far without, you know, acquiring, but, uh, acquiring first, you know, what we were supposed to do. But I see that you have a, such a high degree of insight that like accepting the result for you was not as painful. You are like, okay, it is what it is. All right. I'm gonna take it later. I'm gonna pass.

Mac: 29:49

Even worse. It was a guy in the rules here. He went to take, he couldn't even get his license'cause he had child support. Yeah. So he's like, oh yeah, I just passed. I was like, did you study? He's like, nah.

Benyi: 29:59

Yeah. So he, so I'm like,

Mac: 30:01

yeah,

Benyi: 30:02

you like what?

Mac: 30:03

Fuck, what? I'm like, okay. I'm like, so I'm like, geez. I'm like, so I was saying to myself like, oh, I'm about to go past it. Then I fell. I'm like, yeah. Oh, all right. Like, I went back home.

Benyi: 30:12

Mm-hmm.

Mac: 30:13

And

Benyi: 30:13

I was

Mac: 30:13

like,

Benyi: 30:13

all right. No, I think it's natural for us to feel something up, especially when you had it before and you feel like you don't, and you know, you don't have it to, to kind of be envious a little bit. But I think the trick is to catch s catch ourself thinking like that. Yeah. And be like, okay, man, this, I'm tripping. Like I should not feel like that, you know? So that's why I'm blessed, right? That like every, every time I feel like a feeling of inferiority. Or like, you know, r and v gets replaced really quick by like, motivation, you know, like a healthy motivation. But, um, yeah. I want to circle back to, you know, what happened and your loss. And you know, like, um, like you, you mentioned it earlier, like you were not, you realized that you were not well equipped to handle any relationship right now. Um, how. How heavy is the guilt of that loss whenever you want to try to move forward? Is that something that, I don't know. Is it, I don't want to put word in your mouth, but why do you feel the need to

Mac: 31:24

be in a relationship after what happened? I do feel guilt, like I, I feel like. I do feel guilty, like first I went through the, all the phases of like, it's my fault and this, that. Mm-hmm. Like, I couldn't look at, I couldn't look at no woman for a long time. Like, like, like it's just recently started. I'm able to like look like I like, like, and then like even now, I don't even have the urge to, I can look, but I don't even have the urge to talk, like, you know. Yeah. I joke around. I may get a phone number, but it's not like something like. Then I'm gonna press the issue on with them. Yeah. Like, you know, it's,'cause it's like, don't even have it in me. Um, there's like, if there is like, it's like probably like one woman, like one female that like, I don't know, I like kind of compare her to, but like, and she has her own situation and like, you know, she, I think she has a boy, but she's like a woman of potential. But other than that. It's like, you know, really, really not even, really, not even in that vein, like, you know

Benyi: 32:37

mm-hmm. I

Mac: 32:37

really don't have that energy, you know? I really don't. It's not, uh, it's not, it's not in me. Um,'cause I still feel hurt. I still feel like I may like, but I still feel hurt. I still feel lost, like, you know, like, like a, like a part of, uh, an emptiness. A part of me is like empty. And like every woman that I do look, I try to, it's always like a comparison. Yeah. So it's like, that's not good. That's

Benyi: 33:03

our birthday out.

Mac: 33:03

Yeah. So it's like, I'm not, hi, that means that I'm not healed yet. Like, you know, I'm not, you know, I'm not. And so that's why getting back, that's why I read the entanglement. That's why when was that whole thing about, you know, like, yeah. That, because to help me out, like I, I had to find something about like, you know, still not so much in a grief. I got past the grief. I dealt with grief in rehab and I was going to grief services, but it was just like. To see something, but like, you know, and then I realized a lot of women inside and outside the rooms are hurting too. Yeah. Are not healed. That's true. Not, are not healed, you know? Yeah. Like, are, are not healed. They, they, they suffer with a lot of mm-hmm. Of emotional, emotional traumas. You know, the, the emotional rollercoasters of, of, of their world is upside down. And, uh, that's, you know, it's. And it's like they're gonna bring their, their, their drama into our, their trauma, into our new drama. You know? So it's like I can't deal with that.

Benyi: 33:58

Have you ever heard of the term or trauma bonding? What is that? Trauma bonding. Trauma bonding is when two people who went through a trauma or similar trauma bond over it and then start dating each other. Because the idea is like once you, when you went to the same situation, be you feel that level of that. Person understands you because they've been to the, that's why like in the rooms you have a lot of people dating each other because trauma bonding and that kind of leads also to relapse because they understand the struggle. Yeah. Like, yeah. Like I, is that something that, like, you, you know, you, you felt like a little bit

Mac: 34:38

like, nah, I just, I just came to the rooms. Like I, like some people come and go. Mm-hmm. You liked them in the beginning, but then as you sit that down and through the knowledge to see who they really are, yeah. It's like, oh, thank you God for not letting me, you know, entangle with them.'cause they have their own issues.

Benyi: 35:00

Yeah.

Mac: 35:01

So I see a lot of that. Um, I mean, every now and then you may see something like, you know, it's easy on the eyes, but for the most part it's not something you have to like, go full fledge with, you know,

Benyi: 35:11

act on it.

Mac: 35:12

Yeah, yeah. Because it's like, yeah, but you know, because after a while you sit back and you see them and it's like. Okay. Like, um, hot and cold, the issues, like they have their own stuff. It just,

Benyi: 35:26

yeah. Me personally, I'm gonna speak for myself a little bit here. It doesn't really matter if it's a girl or guy. If I see somebody who I feel like didn't do the work or is not going through the work. Um, I put the wall, you know, like, not like I'm not gonna be called to them, but I'm not going to engage knowing them more, you know, unless it's somebody who want to work. Like, I haven't had a sponsor or apon yet, but like, you know, sometimes, you know, rooms, you have people who are in the hanging out phase, you know, like I'm talking about the phase. Because eventually if they really want it, they're gonna start doing the steps. There are some people who have comfortable so far with just being part of the fellowship, and that's fine. Right. But like you said, like I feel like those people are the people that like, not gonna drive me down, but that are going to, uh, trouble my peace, my peace of mind. Like you talk about, you know, like how, how do you handle that when you, you talk to somebody and you see that? This person is not doing the work. Like, what's your approach?

Mac: 36:40

Hmm. So many people like that around? Yeah. Like how,

Benyi: 36:45

how, how do you feel about that? Like,

Mac: 36:47

do you, um, they, oh man. Um. How can you handle them? Um,

Benyi: 37:04

because you used to be one of those person before, like you, when you put that year, you didn't, you know, you were not spiritually fit.

Mac: 37:10

No, I wasn't. I wasn't, but I stayed by myself. Oh, okay. I stayed by I, and even now, I still do now. Yeah. I, I see people try to get close to, uh, funny you say that. I see people still try to get close to me, Uhhuh and you know, like they suffer with things and they can have a lot more years than me, and it's. I still balances myself from them, like I keep a boundary. Mm-hmm. Like, you know, they may always asking for advice. Always asking for advice, and the situation that they put themselves in is mm-hmm. Not for an amount of time that they, you should, you have shouldn't, we shouldn't even be. So it's like never judge. But it's like I have to guard myself. Yeah. I have to guard myself. I have to guard what I have. Mm-hmm. Because I can get depleted. Yeah. I can get depleted at any moment, you know, based off of, you know, what you go through. But, but in the interim, I just, I still, I, I, I, I keep myself protected.

Benyi: 38:16

Yeah. No, I think that's fair. You know what's funny? They said in the room, they said like, stick with the winners, but how do you know? Who winners, or if you don't do an evaluation of where they're at, like, you know, it's, it's paradoxical, but at the same time, I. It depends on the intention and the degree. Like I'm, I think it's okay to make yours to, it's okay for a person to make an opinion about another person in order to set their boundaries, and that's what I tell myself. I'm like, okay, hmm, I don't know like about this. Let me be careful and approach that person or not even approach that person that, you know, if I'm wrong, I'm wrong. It's not gonna cost me anything. If I engage and then I'm, uh, I ignore my sign or ignore what I saw, and then, you know, I feel some type of way that can be dangerous, right? Like, yeah. So in order to set the boundaries, like sometime I'm like, you know, I, I observe people, right? And I think that's fine in that, in those circumstances, um. What else do you struggle with when you know, in your recovery so far? Because you, apparently you're doing good, man. Like, is there something we talk about getting stuff back, you know, slowly. Uh, we talk about relationships, like is there anything else? Be honest. Mm-hmm.

Mac: 39:33

Um, I just wanna listen. I usually. Um, my maturity for the program just evolves more and more. Okay. Um, no distraction. And if there is distractions that's not conducive to what I'm looking to do, remove it from me. Mm-hmm. Um, whether it's good or bad. Yeah. Um, just basically what I'm just. Struggling with is just trying to be the best version of myself I can be. Yeah. You know, um, just trying to get acquainted and accustomed to this design for living, you know, with, with work and like, just putting every, being comfortable with everything and, you know, um, with my home, you know, just every, every, everything, you know, um, just. Just trying to redevelop me. Yeah. You know, uh, to the best version of that I can be, and not for, not for nobody, but for myself. Yeah. That's, you know, uh, that's what, that's what I'm struggling. Like, so what I struggle with is, you know, simple stuff, make sure I'm on time every day and for work, you know, uh, which is good. I haven't worked in four years, you know? Um mm-hmm. The way, how it's turning out, I guess this job, maybe the, the job that's gonna kick, turn into something. You know, um, yeah. It's, it's just, you know, and not living for me and not for nobody else. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and, and, and get as much knowledge of this program that I can so that I can be able to, whether it be with a sponsor or whether it be with someone that I talk with. Mm-hmm. You know, and, uh, don't try to be like anybody else but myself. Yeah.

Benyi: 41:28

I know

Mac: 41:29

I have nothing to, I don't have nothing to prove to anybody. Yeah. Nothing. Nothing.

Benyi: 41:34

No, I can, I can tell you at peace and like that's a similar feeling that, uh, ought to see is like, uh, ought to, to, to, to, to get is that feeling of not wanting to. To prove, to have anything to prove. Like, I know I'm at peace, I know where I'm at. Like, you know, I'm, I'm going to figure out the job, the financial situation. I know it's gonna work out. My higher power is to help me, you know? Um, speaking of higher power, um, what do you do to stay like spiritually fit? You know,

Mac: 42:06

um, I go to church actually. Mm-hmm. I go to church every week. Um, I. Uh, I developed like a, because in the beginning, uh, I just, I just developed a lot, prayed a lot, like to help me through. Prayed a lot. And then I just developed a morning, noon, morning, afternoon, uhhuh and night prayer schedule. And then I started to do the, my nightly every night. I went after I was introduced to it and then, um, that's what I do. Um. I just keep it simple as I, I that as simple as it is, I keep it simple. I keep it simple as hell, you know, real. And I keep it real and more importantly, honest. Honest, honest. Yeah. With myself first than others. Yeah. Honest. Yeah. And that, and that was the first thing, like, you know, when it came down to doing the, the fourth step and all that stuff, all that tedious stuff. Yeah. I was told to just be honest, if you are honest with this mm-hmm. Then everything else will, would, would be, you'll, you'll learn to be honest with everything else. Mm-hmm. But if you shortchange yourself with this. You're short changing your recovery. Yeah. You're short changing everything else in your life because there's no there's point. Listen to yourself. You're not gonna be on, if you're not gonna be completely honest with everything, then you know.

Benyi: 43:45

No. Yeah. I'm a believer that, uh, what the person should seek in life and is not what they make them feel good. It should be the truth, you know, because. If a person seeks what makes them feel good, they're willing to accept a lie that makes them feel good. But the problem with a lie is that our subconscious refuse to accept it. So the lie need to be reinforced every single time. Yeah, right. And um, I can tell, man, you have such a high degree of, uh, a highest degree of self-awareness, you know, um, that I want. So let me ask you this. Let's assume that the events were going to play exactly the same no matter what you were gonna do, right? Like the same until today, until right now. What do you tell

Mac: 44:36

your younger self if you had the chance to talk to him? The tape through. Um, not saying would it, would it be, not saying not to hang out with your friends? Mm-hmm. Of course. Enjoy your company, but. Play this situation through with everything and, uh, always keep your, keep yourself first. Cover yourself. Yeah. Uh, and my younger self, there's a lot of different Yeah. A lot of different things. I would say go by differently, but you know what? You only have one life to live. Yeah. So it was designed to go down this exact way, but she could tell you like to, yeah, enjoy it uhhuh, and then enjoy it and view it. All right. All right. I think

Benyi: 46:05

that's a beautiful way for us to stop. Uh, thank you very much, uh, Mac for telling, you know, being, uh, sharing our, sorry, sharing your thoughts and opinion on, uh, what your recovery is like and, uh, yeah, like do you have anything else to say?

Mac: 46:23

No, I don't have anything to say. I, if anything, I would say, you know, only thing I can say is. A, uh, and, and most importantly, get comfortable with doing things that are uncomfortable. True. Uh, because at the end of the day, what you're not changing, you choosing. True.

Benyi: 46:43

Wow. All right, we're gonna end on that. All right guys. Thank you very much. Thanks again, Mac for being the guest. No problem. And I will see you guys. You know, couple weeks. Bye.