The Stephen McCain Podcast

How I Healed My Trauma and Found God with Ayahuasca | Stephen McCain [Solocast] EP 017

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In this deeply personal episode of the Stephen McCain Podcast, I recount my transformative six-day ayahuasca retreat in Spain. I describe the physical and emotional preparations, the intense ceremonies, and the profound realizations I experienced. I delve into themes of self-forgiveness, the importance of self-love, and the interconnectedness of all life. I also provide practical advice for those considering an ayahuasca retreat, emphasizing the need for respect and proper intention. Join me as I share how this journey has reshaped my approach to life, health, and happiness.

Resources:

Avalon Ayahuasca Retreats - https://weareavalon.love

Chapters:

00:00 Introduction and Purpose

01:26 Deciding to Attend the Retreat

03:14 Preparing for the Ayahuasca Experience

04:45 First Ayahuasca Ceremony

09:45 Profound Realizations and Healing

11:09 Holotropic Breathing and Further Insights

12:21 New Year's Eve Ceremony

26:25 Final Reflections and Recommendations

28:38 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

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Speaker 1:

Hey guys, welcome to another episode of the Stephen McCain podcast. This one's going to be a little personal. I have just returned from a six-day ayahuasca retreat in Spain. I decided that this is something that I've wanted to do for a while. I have felt the calling. For a while I have felt the calling, and so I just wanted to share my experience with my community, because I watched a lot of people online that helped me make the decision to do something like this, which is not something I recommend that you take lightly. It's a pretty intense experience, but I do feel that, if you're doing it for the right reasons and you have the calling and you've set the right intentions, that it can be one of the most powerful transformations of your life. It was for me, and so I want to share my experience. Life. It was for me, and so I want to share my experience. And, yeah, I think it's good for me to put it out there. It's good for me to share it because it's part of living my truth and if you are feeling the calling, maybe this will help give you a little insight into how to go about this and what it actually entails. So why did I even decide to do this.

Speaker 1:

I think in my life I've felt that there was something that was kind of bothering me for a long time and it really felt like it was putting a glass ceiling on what I was capable of as a human and I just couldn't put my finger on it. And you know, I've done quite a bit of therapy and worked on myself a lot, quite a bit, and all for the better, and but I just felt like there was something that was evading me and I wanted to dig in and see if I could find out what it was. And so I looked up. I found a place called Avalon and they I'll put a link in the description and they they had a lot of great reviews. I found them on retreatsguru, I believe, and seemed completely legit, had a lot of great positive reviews, and I just didn't really want to go to the jungle to do this. I wanted to do it a little bit more in the comfort of a slightly more just, normal circumstance. I figured it was already going to be powerful enough and I think it was really good. It was very comfortable. It was six days, four ayahuasca experiences, plus the option to do something called Bufo, which I will talk to you about. And then there was also a holotropic breathing session, which in its own right, was very intense, so it was jam-packed.

Speaker 1:

They do start moving to plant-based diet, which I had no problem with, and I understand, when I got there, why they have. You do this because you don't want your physiology getting in the way, you don't want your blood sugar to be dysregulated, you don't want to be having headache withdrawals from caffeine caffeine and I found that they fed us and I thought the food was great. I never once at all felt like, oh, I'm going without, or I'm super hungry, or anything like that, and I felt very stable. So that was great. And you know you show up. It was about less than 20 people in my group. We're all strangers by the end of it. We all leave very, very good friends and knowing a hell of a lot about each other. It was unbelievable.

Speaker 1:

I really felt like I got what I wanted out of it. I don't think this is just something you want to check the box on. If you're a biohacker, you're just like, oh, I hear great things about this, but again, if you really feel like you have some some calling for this, I really do think it is far and away something that can directly connect you with yourself, more than anything I've seen. So let me tell you a little bit about it. You show up, you should have an intention, and the intention is what you want out of the journey and, I'll be honest, I was freaking terrified because I watched a few videos online of people and they had some horrific experiences. I mean, there is the chance that it could go to the dark side. I didn't have anything like that so, but I didn't know what to expect. I've had some experience with psilocybin and LSD before and other you know therapeutic compounds that I've always used in a respectful way and I've had good experiences with them. But I didn't really know what to expect with ayahuasca. So I did set really good intentions, I showed up and brought the most of myself to it.

Speaker 1:

You go in this room where there are all these pads, everyone has a bucket it's for you to purge into, to puke, and they have a shaman there who's been doing this stuff forever. They make the kind you know the ayahuasca, they bless it, they. They do all the stuff behind the scenes. Now, I'm not an expert on this stuff. Some people know all the lineages and they know the different sort of where the plant comes from and originates and the different species. I don't know any of that. I just, basically, was going off of what I deemed was company that had a lot of integrity, which they did. They were very, very. Everyone that worked there had been through these experiences and they devoted their life to helping people. So it was had been through these experiences and they devoted their life to helping people. So it was. I felt like I was in really good hands.

Speaker 1:

But you show up to the ceremony and, wearing comfortable clothes, you pick a mat, you know there's some blankets there, you have your bucket, like I said, and then there's the shaman, and then there's someone playing music. Sometimes it's the shamans, but sometimes it's the separate music person and the music is a huge component of it. I cannot tell you how much you connect with the music and it's almost like the soundtrack of your emotions while you're going through the experience. So we started with something called Rapa Rapa and it's basically like ground up tobacco leaves and they blow it up your nose and when it hits you it's like, oh, it is pretty, pretty impactful. Now I've I have had some experience with this because I've used. John Laurent has this nasal spray, rapa, and he calls it the Zen spray, has this nasal spray, rappe, and he calls it the Zen spray, and I like it. So I didn't have a problem with the Rappe.

Speaker 1:

But some people already were puking because they didn't know what it was and it can be a little bit accosting, a little jarring when it first hits you, but what it does is it puts you in a bit of a Zen state alpha potentially where you're just calm because you want to enter your ayahuasca experience from a place of calmness. And for me, what I did is I did a lot of box breathing before every session, so I did about 45 minutes of box breathing. If you don't know what box breathing is, it's where you breathe in for four to five seconds, you hold for four to five seconds, you exhale for four to five seconds and then you hold that for 45 seconds. So it's like a box Breathe in, hold, exhale, hold each for about 45 seconds and this helps you put your nervous system in a parasympathetic state. And then they call you up to have a cup of ayahuasca. You set your intention, or I set my intention, and then I drank it. You go back to your mat and they recommend that you sit up, so you can kind of sit up against the wall, and I just boxed spray for about 45 minutes until it came on.

Speaker 1:

And the thing with ayahuasca, they say, is that it speaks to you. They call it mother, mother, ayahuasca. It's like a grandmother, plant spirit. Now, I'm not somebody that I don't have the vernacular of people that are really into this stuff and a lot of times it's why I have a hard time subscribing to certain religions and things like that. It's just because it's I don't know, I don't connect. But I have always been a spiritual person. I feel I can feel my spirit in me and I and I I feel the connection with everything else in the world and I was very open-minded and I suggest everybody be open-minded, if you're going to do ayahuasca, to hearing grandmother ayahuasca speak to you, because that is where a lot of profound moments happen.

Speaker 1:

And so the first evening I had a very beautiful experience. I forgave myself for a lot of things in my life that I was judging myself for and feeling, you know, just less than it was a really, really beautiful experience. In fact, the first night was so great I felt like I could have left. After that I kind of feel like I got what I wanted from it. I I really, you know, forgave my dad in in an instant. You know, I, my dad, left when I was two and you know, kind of left a hole in my heart as a kid and always trying to, you know, fill it up with, you know, a lack. That was there, a black hole. I called it, you know, and I just realized that that thing with my dad was never, ever going to change. But what could change is my relationship to it. I could be different, I could just understand that, hey, this will exist and that's okay, that's totally fine.

Speaker 1:

I had another ayahuasca experience, beautiful experience, judgment. How much judgment really shuts us off from the present and the actually learning something. And we all have it. It comes up. We had this holotropic breath experience and we showed up it was early morning, after already doing two nights of ayahuasca, and the teacher who was there was sitting there meditating and while we're waiting and I and immediately I started having judgment, I thought, did we just come here to watch this guy meditate? Is that what we're doing here? And I knew you, you were. And then he gave us the most beautiful experience. That was so powerful, and I just realized that judgment is just an expectation. Not being in the present, judging it just cuts off all learning experience, and it was. It's so easy to see that how this stuff just comes up in life. It was a really great reminder.

Speaker 1:

But the biggest most that I wanted to show up for 2025, in every capacity of my life Business, relationships, friendship, family, everything, everything for myself I wanted to show up and be a hundred percent me, pure, authentic, most I can be. And they had these like little I don't know if they were like some sort of oils that had some sort of vibration in it, but there was these different ones and I chose the power one that they put these drops in and I thought, well, power will be good for showing up. And because it was New Year's Eve, we drank our ay myself without like, how am I moving and what's going on? Am I self-conscious? None of that. Just really really self-confident, feeling very me through and through, me through and through.

Speaker 1:

And as the ayahuasca came on, you know, if you know my background as a, as a gymnast, you know I I like to move and I I started doing a lot of stretching and yoga and it got really connected with myself, I mean big time. And I mean I was so dialed into me and stretching. It felt amazing and I went through all my little routine that I always do. And then I went and I laid on my mat. I took up my shirt because it was so hot I had laid there and the ayahuasca really started coming on. But I was feeling totally euphoric, totally connected with myself, perfect.

Speaker 1:

And I remember looking at the ceiling and I felt like this void opened up and I remember hearing this voice that he said it's all about the relationship to yourself, that I hadn't treated myself in the best way. I had been very hard on myself, perfectionist, and I was not able, up to that point, to love myself unconditionally and in return, I can't give other people in my life unconditional love, I can't give it to myself. It was very profound for me, this feeling, and it took me to another level of bliss and euphoria and I was on my hands and knees just sobbing tears of joy and I told myself I said I got you, steven, I've got you. I just kept saying it over and over I've got you. I will give you a great life. I promise you I will take care, got you. I just kept saying it over and over I've got you. I will give you a great life. I promise you I will take care of you. I will be there for you. I will make sure you stay healthy. I will provide for you. You will have a great life. I've got you, stephen. I've got you. And that little boy in me Stevie, we call him that never got that love that he was looking for. That little boy is a strong boy. He was able to make an Olympic team because of trying to win the love of a father he never had.

Speaker 1:

I have a lot of compassion for how much I've compensated because of not being able to love myself unconditionally. It was the key that I feel unlocked me as a person and I feel I've never given myself that before and I've never given it to anybody else. One aspect it's kind of sad. It's taken me I'm 51 years old. It's taken me I'm 51 years old, but I'm so thankful that I've realized this and after that moment I reached what I felt like was enlightenment. Everything made sense, everything, and I just remember being like, oh my God, oh my God. I was like it was complete euphoria and in that moment I felt the essence of God. I felt that I understood that we're all in this together, that animals, the earth, all of us, we are all connected and this unconditional love is the glue that connects all of us. All the other things are just things that get in the way and hamper it. And in this moment I realized I will serve. I will serve God, I will do my mission to improve people's lives, to try to make this world a better place. That I'm a part of, I will do my part Of. I will do my part.

Speaker 1:

And in this moment of feeling this presence with God that I've never felt in my entire life, I look up and the shaman, who was this female, was dressed in a white gown and was playing this little guitar and singing right in front of my mat. It was like an angel was in front of me. I couldn't believe it. I was like this is a sign. This is, it's unmistakably a sign.

Speaker 1:

It was unexplainable how it all came together and I remember there was a facilitator there. There's people that just help make sure everything's going well and I went up to him, I tapped him on the shoulder and I said can I give you a hug? I just wanted to share this experience with somebody and I started sobbing and and I told him that I feel, god, I understand my life, everything is perfect. I understand why everything is the way it is. It's perfect, everything is perfect. I understand and I really I hadn't talked about this much until I just had a conversation with a friend of mine. He mentioned sacred geometry and I remember that whole time during that period where I felt like I was enlightened. Everything was perfect spirals of geometry, fibonacci, everywhere Perfect. Because a lot of times when you're, when you're hallucinating on these things, you'll, you'll it's kind of random you'll see eyes looking at you and you'll see weird things and and it's kind of really random then, as you get to this absolute connection with yourself and wherever I got, it's like the hallucinations become perfect geometrical shapes like tunnels of Fibonacci, mind-boggling.

Speaker 1:

It was the most powerful experience of my life. It was the most powerful experience of my life and it was a template for me. It was a template where I realized, if I do not take care of Stephen first my mornings, I have to do what Steve has to do to fill himself up, to feel loved, to feel ready and complete, fill my cup so I can fill others, and then to engage in my purpose to improve the lives of other people health, longevity, fitness, biohacking to help put out there in the world what I feel like I'm here to do. Out there in the world, what I feel like I'm here to do. I don't think it's more complicated than that for me and I feel like I've danced around a lot of things and tried tactics to understand this and tried tactics to understand this. But I just don't believe that you can be 100% for somebody else if you can't be 100% to yourself. That was my lesson. That's ultimately what I got.

Speaker 1:

What I got now, I will say, having been a biohacker for a long time 15, 16 years and a performer, I felt like it really helped me in these experiences because, being a performer, I knew how to show up and put myself in a zone state and control my emotions and really bring the most of myself. Even though I was scared, shitless to the experience, I was ready to walk through fire. And then, from the biohacking side, I've dosed so many different compounds in my life that I was very good at not overdoing the ayahuasca. The most I did was a cup and a half and I had the most unbelievable experience in my life just doing one cup, and I feel like that was a combination of bringing myself 100% with a really good intention and making the most out of it with just one cup. I think I was the only person in the whole room that didn't purge the whole week. I didn't throw up. I definitely was nauseous but I didn't throw up. But there were people doing over four cups that I saw at times, and everybody's on their own journey. I'm not judging, you know it's. Some people just needed more, I guess. But I, I I do feel that really connecting with yourself and not trying to use the ayahuasca to just give you everything, like to try to bring yourself to the ayahuasca I think that worked really well for me.

Speaker 1:

Personally think the more my my idea was, the more later in the evening that I continued to dose, the more tired I'm gonna get mentally and spiritually. I'm gonna like I'm gonna start getting exhausted, my mind starts might start going to some dark places. I I just might lose my intention. I might lose track of time. I wanted to really, you know, show up and get the most out of it right out of the gate and I feel like I did that. And they did also have this bufo, which is DMT, where you smoke it and supposedly you just go to the cosmos for 25 minutes, your complete ego dissolved, just gone. I showed up, I was going to do it and I backed out because I didn't know why I was going to. I didn't know why, I didn't really know why I was doing it and I had no intention and I thought I just feel like I'm doing drugs at this point. If I'm going to do this, I feel like I'm just doing it to have a cool experience and I was like, ah, that's not why I'm here. But what it did is, it allowed me to realize that I was getting a little lackadaisical in my approach and that allowed me to really button myself up and show up and really do the work before I walked into the room on that ayahuasca journey where I had an amazing experience room on that ayahuasca journey where I had an amazing experience. So overall, I highly recommend ayahuasca.

Speaker 1:

It's beautiful, it has this resolution aspect to it where it's like some psychedelics, you know they can just be like you're just on this ride, but like ayahuasca is like it wants to resolve something in you. It like wants to have this arc, a beginning, middle and end, and it has this way of finding stuff in you that bubbles up from your subconscious that it wants to resolve and you can't really hide from. And what's so weird is you can be in this total experience where you're tripping and once this thing goes through the resolution aspect, it's like all of a sudden like you're not completely you know I don't know if you want to call it sober, but you're. It like resolves and it kind of washes away and then your conscious comes back, but yet your conscious now has all these answers from your subconscious, and they can. It's like you're able to just go. Oh, I get it Let me put this here that this actually goes here. It just goes here. It just goes here Really about like getting this homeostasis with your subconscious and your conscious.

Speaker 1:

It's beautiful, that's absolutely beautiful. I highly recommend it. I highly recommend Avalon. Again, I'm not a connoisseur of this type of stuff, but I can't think of anything I was missing out on and I would recommend it to all my friends and anyone that's interested. Again, I'll put a link If you have any questions about this experience, if you've been thinking about it, leave a comment. I'm happy to get back to you about it.

Speaker 1:

I'll just say this is something to be absolutely respected. There is a lot of reverence and respect for this with these shamans. The goal is to create a very, very safe environment that should be absolutely respected so that people can go through their own journeys, process whatever it is that they're trying to process, and that has to be respected. But I'm very glad I did it and it was a hell of a way to start off 2025 as a new man, and then my birthday was January 9th, so I turned 51. Yeah, it's great experience, really really good.

Speaker 1:

I'm glad I had the courage to do it and it's also really made me appreciate that. You know I've spent a lot of time in the biochemistry side of things for health, but this energy side is just as important to me now meditations and silent retreats and holotropic breathing and chanting and yoga, and I feel like I'm coming back around to adding that to all of these fascinating biochemistry hacks that I do, and I really think that I'm a happier person. I think there's more joy in me and what's the point of living a long life just for the sake of living a long life Because you want to be into longevity if you're not going to enjoy yourself, if you can't unconditionally love yourself so happy I did it, love yourself so happy I did it. And if you're considering it, hopefully this helped you. That's it. Hope you enjoyed this episode. I will catch you on the next one. Stay healthy, everyone. Bye-bye.