How to Get What You Want
Your career isn’t built by waiting for someone to notice your value. It’s built by learning how to advocate for yourself with confidence.
You’ve been told your work will speak for itself. Yet despite doing everything asked of you—and more—you’re still feeling overlooked and uncertain about your next step. Leadership isn’t just about managing a team; it’s navigating the complexities of internal relationships and consistently advocating for your growth.
On Get What You Want, Susie Tomenchok is your silent partner, empowering you with the mindset and tools to negotiate your career—and life—with intention.
Unlike podcasts that focus on climbing the ladder or hustle culture, this show is for women who want to own their careers authentically. You’ll learn practical strategies for everyday negotiations, from asking for what you deserve to confidently handling tough conversations. Because negotiation isn’t just for raises or promotions—it’s how you navigate every opportunity in your career and beyond.
Susie is a negotiation expert who understands the challenges of being in a male-dominated industry and the struggles women face when advocating for themselves. She’s helped countless professionals unlock their potential and will show you how to do the same.
If you’re ready to stop waiting for your career to happen to you and start creating the opportunities you want, hit follow and join Susie each week to build your confidence, advocate for yourself, and finally Get What You Want.
How to Get What You Want
Use this strategy in your next negotiation
Picture this: you're in the middle of a crucial negotiation, the stakes are high, and the pressure is mounting. What if you had a secret weapon up your sleeve to gain an edge, establish trust, and ensure a favorable outcome? Today, we're exploring the art of 'mirroring,' a powerful negotiation strategy that just might be the game-changer you've been waiting for.
But negotiation isn't just a battleground strategy — it's a daily occurrence, whether we realize it or not. We'll tackle fears and boost your confidence, empowering you to take control of your negotiation outcomes. As we wrap up, we'll delve into how this crucial skill is at the cornerstone of professional growth and success. Get ready to lead with leverage and step up your negotiation game!
In this episode, you'll learn the following:
1. The concept of mirroring as a strategy in negotiation.
2. How executives use mirroring in negotiations.
3. Practical tips for incorporating mirroring into your negotiation strategies.
_____________________
🚀 Ready to Get What You Want?
Listening is great, but real change happens when you take action. Join my newsletter for exclusive negotiation strategies, scripts, and real-world case studies you won’t hear on the podcast. Sign up now at www.negotiationlove.com—it takes 10 seconds and will change how you view and negotiate forever.
📖 Continue Your Professional Growth with These Resources:
Get my Book: The Art of Everyday Negotiation without Manipulation:
www.susietomenchok.com/the-art-of-everyday-negotiation
Work With Me: Speaking, corporate training, and executive coaching:
www.susietomenchok.com/services
_____________________
Remember, negotiation is more than a skill—it’s a mindset.
💕Susie
www.linkedin.com/in/susietomenchok
Welcome to the Leaders with Leverage Podcast. I'm your host and negotiation expert, suzy Tomonczuk. It's time to be your own advocate and negotiate for what you really want out of your career, not simply the next role or additional compensation. I want to show you that negotiation happens each and every day so that you opt in and say yes with confidence. Together with other business leaders, you'll learn the essential skills you, as a leader, needs to become that advocate in growing your professional skills, to increase confidence, gain respect and become the future leader you're poised to be, and when you face a high-stakes situation, you're ready, no matter how high those stakes are. So let's do this. Let's lead with leverage. Welcome to Leaders with Leverage. I'm your host, suzy, and I'm so happy that you're here.
Speaker 1:This is a solo episode and I'm going to talk about a concept around adopting a negotiator's mindset. It's about mirroring, and you may be familiar with some of the research that was done on mirroring as it relates to negotiation. If not, I'm going to fill you in. So mirroring is thinking about what are the attributes of the other person, their personality, the way they like to communicate, just things about the other person. That, when you mirror that, even the same kind of gestures. When you're doing that, the research shows that that feels familiar to the other party and so that can increase trust and the relationship. Because you're doing something that they may not be conscious of it and they very rarely are but that mirroring can feel just that familiarity to them that makes them feel at ease with you. So mirroring is a strategy that some negotiators use or just automatically learn to do that's really effective for them.
Speaker 1:And one example of back when I first started this whole journey around helping people shift their mindset and adopting a negotiator mindset, a friend of mine, christine, who I adore, had put together some friends of hers that were all attorneys and had a really, really strong negotiation game and we were talking literally all afternoon about just different negotiation strategies that they would use. And I'll never forget this one she was a defensive attorney in oil and gas I hope I'm saying that right. So she was in the courtroom a lot and she tended to be against really big personalities and just people that have a presence and loud and big, and she was this real small, petite woman that likes everything just a certain way her notebooks, her pens, her papers and so sometimes she said a strategy that she would use is to get big like them. So she would go to her table in the courtroom and spread out, have a big presence. If she was in the negotiation room she would take up more than just her space, which was unusual for her but at first felt kind of awkward to her. But when she realized the impact that it had, she started watching how others would react to that and it really helped her be seen in the room and build the rapport, but also just have the strength to be seen by the other party as a worthy opponent is how she said it. And so mirroring to her was to be really physical and looking like that person that she was going against.
Speaker 1:So mirroring can be something that you know to the other side. Like I tell people a lot, don't forget when we're advocating for ourselves or we're negotiating, sometimes if we're really uneasy, the words that we choose are we take we, we water them down for ourselves. We don't use as strong words as we might use for somebody else, but that other person doesn't hear your words through your lens. If the other party is very confident, uses very strong words, match those words too, because even though they might feel a little bit pushy to you. They're familiar to the other party. So thinking about mirroring in the way that you utilize space, you think about the relationship and even the words that you use.
Speaker 1:A funny example I use all the time when I'm talking about negotiation, difficult conversations, even our strengths and how we think that we see them from our view. I remember a few years ago I was I don't think we were negotiating, we were having a conversation around a scope of a new project and I was a consultant meeting with this guy at Comcast. Actually, his name was Scott. He was a VP level at the time, holds a pretty big position right now. So I always mention his name when I'm with teams because it's funny the story. So, anyway, scott and I were talking and he was explaining to me what was important to him in this big project that we're going to take over, because he was going to be our sponsor on the other side and I remember I am an extrovert. I believe my nonverbals are really positive because my nonverbals to me, even when I'm listening, show that I'm really listening. So I tend to not up and down when somebody's talking to me and I do a lot of mm-hmm, uh-huh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I do that constantly because to me that's a positive way of showing the other party that I'm really connected and listening to them.
Speaker 1:And in the middle of him describing the services that he wanted us to bid on, he stopped and he was so frustrated and he kind of puts his hands strongly down on the desk and he says what are you doing? What is this? Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Are you agreeing with me? Are you trying to say something? He was so distracted by my nonverbals they were not working for him. He likes to think things through. He's a quiet thinker, so I would have been better off just not being kind of my regular self and just being quiet and listening and letting him finish and then using that space to tell him what I think or if I agree. And he's taught me such an important lesson in that the way I was showing up for him was just too much for him and I'm so grateful to him that he interrupted and made that such a big deal, because he taught me a good lesson.
Speaker 1:I also believe that most people aren't gonna tell you that they're just not gonna. Somehow, maybe the relationship is not gonna have as much strength you might not know why, or somebody might not really understand enough about what's going on and why they're not trusting that. They might not even have words for it to tell you. So, being aware of this, even when you're doing it and you're thinking about, ooh, maybe I missed something and I really just wasn't. Maybe I was too much for them, maybe my personality was not what they were looking for. Hey there, love this podcast. I'm taking 10 seconds out of this episode to ask you to leave an honest review. More reviews on the show help us to reach more professionals who are ready to lead with leverage. Now let's continue the conversation.
Speaker 1:So, thinking about mirroring is really important in a negotiation and, as you know, taking on a negotiator mindset is key to moving into any conversation being thoughtful about especially high stakes or something that makes you nervous, what is gonna serve the other party. So the research on mirroring shows that it builds this rapport and this connection. So, thinking about what is that connection you need to build? And even if it's mirroring, can be using the same words that they use because that's familiar to them. It's thinking about using the same gestures that they use. So if you tend to do a lot or you don't do a lot, matching the other party's kind of energy in the room can feel very familiar to them. It helps them understand that you get what they're saying, because this psychological kind of exchange of information makes them feel that way and it can create this synergy between the two parties so that as you're moving through a difficult conversation or just a negotiation or even a discussion, can make them feel like I wanna be more open and collaborative because I trust you more. Because when people trust they put their guard down and they tend to want to work together. So they're more likely to give insights to help you understand how to get them on the same wavelength as you or on the same team, or give you feedback to help you move through what that is.
Speaker 1:So a couple of things to think about when you wanna start to be aware of mirroring and considering the importance to the party is reflective listening, really listening actively and to the point that you're thinking about what they're saying and maybe even repeating what they say by reusing the words that they have. Think about, when you're objective in the moment and you've thought through the points you wanna make, it allows you to be very thoughtful while they're talking and then making space as well in that time. If there's somebody that has to think things through and you are patient and let them space out their thoughts, then look at the way they synchronize their thoughts and match that too. Right. So the space that they're holding for their comments if they have a lot of space between their thoughts, before you add to what you're gonna do, add that space. So it's listing and matching their words and their phrasing.
Speaker 1:That's the first one. The second one is just being aware of their body language and doing the same kind of things that they're doing. If they're using their hands a lot when they're talking, do that. If they're not and they're holding their hands down, try to change that. You don't wanna change who you are or not allow yourself to be at your best. But in making that connection, especially when you first start out, observe how you're holding yourself in comparison to them and then even thinking about where you meet and how comfortable they are in that environment and if you can sense that comfort for them too. So that body language synchronization is really important.
Speaker 1:And then really framing, like listening to what they're saying and reiterating that you understand their priorities even above and beyond yours. So when you go back to the conversation and as you try to reframe the agreement that you've come to, making sure that you're putting their priorities, their words, the things that were important to them, and mirroring the way they had said it to you can help them feel like you really got it and you have their interests in mind. So the three tips are to be an active listener and be reflective in that, so matching their words and also their spacing. The second is to really think about synchronizing their body language with yours. Are they talking with their hands person, are they not? What are some of the things that they're doing so that feels familiar to them? And then the third is to think about how do you rephrase and reframe the agreements by using their priorities and their words so that it feels familiar with them, so that they really feel like this was a collaborative process, that you work together to come to this outcome. That is a win-win for both of you.
Speaker 1:So mirroring is a really interesting aspect that I've started really thinking about. How do people do that and how do I help teams integrate this into when they work with their peers, when they work with their boss and they're working one-on-one with them or trying to win them over, somebody that's new and even thinking about when you're in a situation where the other party might feel a little intimidating to you and so you have to kind of break the ice and get yourself more comfortable. Using these techniques can help you focus on that, building that relationship, and then, when they're feeling more comfortable with you, that will increase your comfort with that relationship too. So I hope this was interesting to you. I'd love to hear some of your outcomes when you're more aware of this mirroring idea.
Speaker 1:Start, think, even watch yourself. Start by observing yourself in different situations with people and observe what your natural state is versus somebody else and making shifts with somebody that you're really close to, that knows you well, and see if they notice. Do some testing. All of this adopting a negotiator mindset is testing in your everyday so that you can figure out what works or what is interesting to you, so that you can repeat that or make it more natural to you, so you can just do it automatically on autopilot. So share with me your ideas. Find me on LinkedIn. I'm easy to find on LinkedIn. I'd love for you to follow me on LinkedIn If you want to talk to somebody about this, share this episode with them and say let's talk about mirroring, let's watch each other in meetings and see where this comes up.
Speaker 1:So share this with somebody else, and I love that you're here. Please give me your questions that you want me to talk about here in this space. I just so enjoy giving back to the community here. I love to help people navigate through this lens of leverage and thinking about adopting a negotiator mindset. So start today. Call yourself a negotiator. That's the first step to a great intention about moving through your every day.
Speaker 1:So this is Leaders With Leverage. Thank you so much for being here. I'm Suzy, and until next time, just know that I really appreciate you. Thanks for listening to this week's episode of Leaders With Leverage. If you're ready to continue your professional growth, commit to accelerating your career development and say goodbye to that anxious feeling in your stomach anytime you need to advocate for yourself, then get my book the Art of Everyday Negotiation Without Manipulation. In this book, you'll learn the essential steps to take before entering into any negotiation or conversation, any interaction in your day-to-day. You'll discover what the other party really needs and be clear about what you're going after. You'll bust through your fears and boost your confidence and embrace that negotiation truly happens all around us. Head to the link in the show notes for more, and you can even get a bonus if you buy it today.
