When Alzheimers Can Be A Good Thing

The author and his sister deal with a difficult mother who changes for the better due to Alzheimers.

Transcript

                           When Alzheimers Can Be Good A Good Thing

I know someone whose mother was always a handful. Actually, much more than a handful. Waaaaay more. Beauty cursed this woman from an early age. But Exceptional physical attraction is not always a desirable attribute for young women. Too often it encourages the wrong kind of attention. In this woman’s case it provided her with a false sense of authority, male fawning, and mis-guided opportunity. Those variables led to a persona that found itself in continuous conflict. Conflict within her family. Conflict with neighbors, Conflict with work associates. Conflicts within conflicts. Conflicts real and imagined. Some involved the police.  Nothing ever occurred warranting arrest, but an ever-present unsettledness, uncertainty, and social unpredictability hovered around this woman. The woman developed a manipulative, intrusive, demanding, and disruptive personality at times. 

                  This is not to say this woman didn’t have other shining characteristics. She did. She could be funny, entertaining and full of energy. She was pretty much game for anything. She provided well for her children. She also managed to divorce three times and marry four times.  Some people wondered if she’d be divorced a fourth time – but husband number four passed away before that question could be answered.

Each time she remarried she upgraded. Husband 1.0 was the high school sweetheart. That lasted two years. Husband 2.0 lasted considerably longer. He helped her to bring up two children. Once the kids graduated, she filed for divorce. Husband 3.0 came along soon after. He was an interesting sort. He got a job in the Middle East, and she accompanied him. I need to mention that she was a very good housekeeper. Whenever she divorced, she kept the house if there was one. Her unbefitting behaviors caused husband number three to get booted from his very good job in the very hottest of countries. Husband 4.0 lasted a long time. He was the calmest of the lot, and had hearing issues - a thousand blessings on him.

                  The woman had a son and a daughter. Neither of them got along with her. They couldn’t. Quite simply it was too difficult. In public, the mother could be an embarrassment. She would say inappropriate things. She complained of people being against her – neighbors, employers, family, spouses. She attempted to manipulate through guilt, guile, and hysteria. 

                  The brother and sister agreed there was only one thing to do – avoidance. That meant no initiated contact. Not answering calls, emails or angry letters. If and when they broke their vow and had contact, they regretted it. Their heads would spin. They would be upset for days. They would need to debrief with the other sibling to get a calm handle on things.

                  So, contact was limited. A few years came to pass, and the daughter made contact. The result surprising. The mother had lost her edge. The manipulative streak diminished. No more probing questions. No more accusations. No more complaints about previous husbands, incidents, or the supposed back-biting relatives.

                  The brother contacted the mother and found these claims all to be wonderfully true. The mother was very upfront about what happened to her.  She confided, “I have Alzheimer’s.”

                  Both the brother and sister talk to her regularly now. She lives quite happily in a very nice assisted-care apartment of her own. It is in another country and she’s content there. She loves that country. When she talks to her kids these days she radiates joy. She is filled with happiness and gratitude that they have re-connected with her. The conversations aren’t long and in general she recalls 90% of what is discussed and of memories of the past.  In her case Alzheimer’s has been a good thing. 

                  You may have guessed - my sister and I get along with our mother much better now. It is good and we are thankful…