The Femme Cast
Welcome to The Femme Cast—the podcast for women who are truly ready to break free from toxic relationship cycles, choose themselves, and become a magnet for the love they deserve.
I’m Maria Rei, aka The Femme Coach—Master Energy Healer, Radical Self-Love Leader, and Relationship Mentor. I’ve been where you are, stuck in cycles of chasing love, waiting for validation, and abandoning myself in the name of relationships. But I turned my pain into purpose, and now I’m here to help you do the same.
Each week, I share personal stories, actionable insights, and a blend of spiritual and practical tools to help you heal from past wounds, reclaim your self-worth, and rewrite your love story. You’ll hear everything from vulnerable truths about my own journey to breaking toxic patterns to empowering lessons that will guide you toward creating the healthy, loving relationships you crave.
Join me as we say goodbye to self-abandonment, people-pleasing, and unhealthy dynamics, and hello to radical self-love, emotional freedom, and true empowerment.
It’s time to choose yourself and step into the love you were always meant for. Ready?
Let’s do this.
The Femme Cast
How People-Pleasing Secretly Sabotages Your Life | 3 Hidden Ways You're Losing Yourself Without Even Realizing It
Have you ever driven somewhere and realized you don't have a single clue how you got there? That’s exactly how people pleasing can steer your life — silently, unconsciously — until one day you wake up wondering, "How the hell did I get here?"
In today’s episode of The Femme Cast, I’m diving deep into the invisible but massive impact people pleasing has on the trajectory of your life — and how to break free.
As a recovering people pleaser, I share:
- Why even small, daily decisions to please others create huge momentum away from your true path
- How the 35,000+ decisions we make each day either align us with our soul — or pull us deeper into disconnection
- How people pleasing feeds on our core wounds of abandonment and rejection — and what to do about it
- The surprising truth: People pleasing has more power to sabotage your life than even major traumas or life events
- How to tell the difference between fear-based discomfort (fear of disappointing others) and true intuition
- How my bold decision to disappoint others and follow my body’s "yes" transformed my life
Each time you make a tiny choice to betray yourself for approval, you hand over the wheel. You coast through life on autopilot, until one day you look around at relationships, careers, and a life that feels completely misaligned — and realize you didn’t consciously choose any of it.
The good news? You can take your power back. It starts with small, courageous choices. It starts with being willing to do "the unpleasing thing" — the thing that honors your soul over others' expectations.
Recovery isn’t about perfection. It’s about consistent awareness, messy courage, and radical self-trust.
You are one brave decision away from changing your entire life trajectory.
Let's do this.
Ready to step into your Magnetic Love Era? If so, The Magnetic Love Story Manifestation Method is now open for enrollment.
https://www.thefemmecast.com/products/courses/view/1180320
Hey you guys, what is up and welcome back to the show. I am so excited and grateful to have you here. Welcome if you're new. Sorry, I know it's been a minute, but it's been a crazy few weeks. But that's not to say that I have not been giving some serious thought as to where I want to go next with the show, and I have some notes on some situations that have come up over the last couple of weeks, significantly, or one really significant one with a friend of mine that she's been going through, and she's in a situation that I can very, very, very, very much relate to because I've been there a kajillion times, most notably 10 years ago-ish. 10 years ago ish, shortly after my divorce, when I came back from my first trip to Bali.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:And I can, I, I honestly, you know, it's one of these things that you will often experience when you are a people pleaser, and I am a self proclaimed people pleaser. I am a recovering people pleaser. I'm not going to say that I'm fully recovered, because it still takes dedication on my part to check in, to see where I'm at, to see if I'm aligned, to see if I've been making decisions from a heart-centered place, to see if I've been putting my boundaries in place to see if I've been upholding them. You know it is a daily practice and check-in Not daily, but it's something that I have to check in with often to make sure that I am aligned. You know, because my second nature is really to people please and I have to remember that and I have to really be mindful of that. And I don't know that, you know, if you're somebody who resonates with being a people pleaser, I don't know that we ever get to a point where it never happens ever again. I think sometimes, you know we get better at it, we get stronger at it, we get more confident about it.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:But you know, there's always situations where I feel like it kind of brings out that inner child that's looking for approval or who's trying to avoid being abandoned or rejected, that ultimately brings up those those um patterns in us all over again. You know, whether it's a significant other, whether it's a friendship, whether it's a boss or coworker career move, whatever you know, there's always something that's going to kind of trigger another layer of that core wounding that has us fearing the abandonment and rejection that we always reverted to, people pleasing for protection from right. That is a given, and I think that gets to be okay. You know never I don't think it ever completely goes away, but I think that you know, as we get older and as we get stronger and as we get more centered in who we are and knowing what it is that we want and what our North Star is, and making our decisions in our life, I think that those situations become less and less right, and I think that's really the goal.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:But there is one thing to be said If you resonate with being a people pleaser, if you're like me and a people pleaser in recovery, there's really something truly powerful and not in a good way about people pleasing that you really need to understand, and that is the impact that people pleasing behaviors have to influence negatively, influence the trajectory of your life. And I mean this like I can't. There are no words in the English language that can really express how much of an influence people-pleasing behaviors actually have in your life's trajectory and the ability and the power that they have to actually sabotage your life. And you know it's one of these things. You know where. You know like everything, like you know, things happen, life happens. You know we experience heartbreak, we experience loss. We experience grief. You know, unexpected things happen all the time and they can impact our life and, you know, change our trajectory in positive ways, some negative ways, whatever. Sometimes it's a negative experience with a positive outcome, whatever. You know, life happens, things shit hits the fan. We move through it, but the people pleasing, the impacts of people pleasing, can be much more powerful than some of these big transformative moments in our lives, and it usually has very negative impacts. And it's the one thing that we actually have 100% control over If we manage the emotion that that is feeding the behavior you know and really learn to sit with that and move through that and move through the discomfort of doing.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:What I always say is the unpleasing thing. Right, we have to be willing to do the unpleasing thing if we want to set ourselves free from those types of behaviors. Now I really want to illustrate, like I really want to bring home today with you guys, the power that making decisions to please others, the power that it has to influence your life and not in a good way right To the point where you end up waking up on morning, like I did probably about 10 years ago, with this intense aversion to my life where I didn't know how the fuck did I get here? I didn't choose this. This is not what I would have wanted. This doesn't feel good. These relationships don't feel aligned. I don't feel like I'm living my purpose. I feel like I'm meant for something different. I have no fucking clue what that is. I can't see my, my, I can't see like my. I can't find the words. You know what I'm trying to say. I can't see the path ahead, I can't see the forest or the trees. That's the expression that I was looking for. But you know and I don't know how I got here Like it's like one of those moments when you know, when you're driving in the car and you're very like absent-minded.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:I know this is horrible to admit, but you know you're used to driving on autopilot the same route home every day, right from work, like if you've ever been a commuter right where you travel, like at least I would say at least 45 minutes to get home to and from work every day. And it has to be kind of an everyday thing, right, because you have to be really used to the route. The route you know. You know where all the lights are, you know where all the traffic stops are. You know where. You know. You know where the coffee, the coffee drive-thrus are. You know where. We know where. You know you can usually kind of get a break from the traffic. You know where the traffic usually backs up. Like you know this route like the back of your hand, right, because you drive it every day, twice a day.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:And then you know, on the days where you're really stressed or you're really tired or you're just really burnt out, you kind of get home and you're like how the fuck did I actually get here? Because I don't remember driving through half of the intersections I was supposed to drive through. Did I actually make it through or did I just fly through the entire like 45 minutes? You know it's like you blink and suddenly you're home and it's like you don't, you have no clue how you got there. That's what this feels like, because it's literally you responding without thinking, without checking in, without asking yourself what do I want here, which way do I want to turn, which way do I want to go? You're just kind of going and coasting on your. You know people will say autopilot. This is an autopilot.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:This is basically using people pleasing as your compass or your decision maker. You're driving force in your life to kind of navigate life for you. You're using your people pleasing to make life decisions and it's literally taking control of the wheel. And so you're blindly going through life letting people pleasing like whether or not you're pleasing or not make all the decisions for you, until you get to one place one day and you're like how the fuck did I actually get here? When did this actually happen? Did I choose this? Is this really what I wanted? I don't think so, because last I checked, my plan was to be way over there. You know, somehow I'm here now, but anyway. So I really wanted to explore this and I really wanted to illustrate how powerful people pleasing really is, because oftentimes it's those insignificant decisions that we, as people pleasers, make every day and it's the one thing like, if I can, oh my gosh, if I had a nickel every time I made one of these decisions, I would be the wealthiest fucking woman in the world right now.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:Because how many times have you said to yourself you know somebody's asking you for something, or wants you to do something, or wants you not to do something, whatever, whatever the case may be, someone is, you know, asking you what to do or not, and you could say yes, you want to say yes because you wanted you, you were people pleaser, but you're also, you know, you want to say no because you kind of want to take your power back and you're like, no, I just want to. You know, I this doesn't feel right for me. Me, this, this doesn't feel like the right path for me. This feels like the right path for me and I don't want to do that. But what if I just do it and get it over with and then just move on. Right, it's so easy.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:It's so easy just to do that little thing right, make that little, seemingly insignificant choice to do the thing that's going to please the other person and then move on with life and go do something else. You know, it seems so innocent, it seems so insignificant, it seems to have no way. It's like there's like it's like the most minute, insignificant detail of your day. And if I just do this one thing for this person that they want me to do, or not do whatever, if I just honor that, sweep it under the rug like it never happened, then I can just move on with my life and do the things that feel aligned for me, and then guess what happens.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:And the next thing comes up and the next person wants you to do something, and again you have this internal battle where you're like, okay, you know I could do that, but I really don't wanna do that. It doesn't feel like the right thing for me, it doesn't feel like the right decision for me. I need to be doing this over here, but I'm just gonna go do it and get it over with and then come back to what it was I was doing, and then so you do that, and then you start going along on your path and then the next question comes, the next ask of hey, I need you to do this, or can you do that for me, or can you not do that? And suddenly, before you know it, all these little insignificant decisions are adding up and creating so much momentum in your life in a direction that you don't want. This is really really, really important, because I really wanted to kind of, you know, illustrate the point here, but I did a Google search and I can't remember. I can't, I haven't not. I forgot to cite the website, but it was on a few different sites, so I'll try and see if I can post it in the show notes below.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:But basically the average human being makes 35,000, below. But basically the average human being makes 35,000, 35,000, I have it in my notes 35,000 small decisions each day, each day. Can you imagine if even half of those were guided by somebody other than ourselves? And I'm talking like the insignificant ones, like I'm talking about the decisions of where to eat for lunch, I'm talking about the decisions of what color to paint your nails, what to wear to work one day, how to take your coffee order, when to go for coffee, or you know which train to take to work in the morning, or whatever. You know these are seemingly insignificant, minute details that throughout the day, if we're not making them from the right place, have the power to make or generate powerful momentum in our lives, whether we like it or not, or whether it's in a direction that we like or not. So you know, we think that they're insignificant, but we're not. And we always, you know, we always, I can remember always.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:You know, in the beginning, as I was, you know, starting to explore this work, you know I used to always say to myself you know well, when I have to make a big decision, I make it on my own. You know, I go, I walk away, I take some time out, I reflect on what it is that I want, I make a decision and then, once that I've actually made a decision and I actually feel confident about the decision that I've made, then I will tell people right, these are the big ones. These are the big decisions like getting married or getting divorced, or buying a home, or buying a car, or, you know, career moves, things like that, things that that are, you know, significant decisions that impact not only your life but the life of other people around you. You know, these are the big life markers, right where it creates significant change in your life. Those are the decisions that I always said okay, you know what those I am not going to people, please on, I'm going to make them from a very centered place, knowing that you know I'm using what I want from my life as my North Star, right. So I had that in the bag and I was good with that and I think you know, and you know, in the beginning it made a lot of people, I think, very uncomfortable, but eventually people got used to the idea that you know she makes her decisions on her own. And you know what? Even that in itself took so much practice. But what?
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:Where I failed myself was in the little decisions that I was making every single fucking day, you know, like the little decisions of what to eat every day, what to wear every day, where to go shopping every day, what to when to bed, um, what responsibilities to take on, what responsibilities to pass on right. All of these things where I was just doing the pleasing thing to get it out of the way and and just let go, like you know, just bypass all that resistance, all that funkiness that was coming up as these situations were coming up, just sweeping it under the rug and telling myself that I could get on with my life as soon as I did this one thing to please this person and get them out of my hair, so I could go and focus on living life the way I wanted to live it. But what was happening was most 90% of my decisions were being made from a people pleasing perspective. So what ended up happening is one decision after another, after another after another, compounded, created so much momentum into a direction that I didn't want that it actually created so many negative impacts in my life, and here's why all these insignificant decisions can have so much of a great impact. So I want you to think about this.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:I want you to think about every time you make a decision to do something that goes against what you want or what you know is right for you. That takes a huge energetic toll on you, because now you're basically in resistance against yourself. You're basically getting in your own way. You're doing the thing that you don't want. That will burn you out faster than you can say burnout okay, because you're literally. It's like it's the. It's the analogy of the salmon swimming upstream. You know, salmon always stream upstream, swim upstream. It's against the current, you know. But I mean, I guess they do it. They seem to be really talented at it. I get tired swimming upstream. I would rather just go with the flow. I would rather just go with the flow, right.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:But when you're doing the things that don't feel natural to you, that don't feel aligned for you, that don't feel right for you, in order to please somebody else, you're actually going against your own current. You're going against your own natural instinct of where it is that you want to go. That takes a lot of energy. One decision, not a big deal. But if you're making 80% of your decision from a place of people pleasing, guess what's happening to your energy? It is getting wiped out so fast. It'll make your head spin and you'll get to a place where you don't even know how you got there and you can't remember ever choosing it. But somehow you made it happen. You know, and it's from, it's through all these little insignificant things that that you say yes to or no to, opposite to what you would normally do. You know, saying yes to the things that you really want to say no to, and say no to the things that you really wholeheartedly are dying to say yes to, but saying yes to them would piss somebody else off, right? So these are the things you need to think about. The other thing is usually and I truly believe this okay. I truly believe that when we are being guided or pulled to do something, it's because there's an opportunity waiting for us on the other side of that, right?
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:You know, when I took my trip to Asia, which was like that was probably the precipice of my, you know, people pleasing pattern breaker, because it pissed off so many people in my life, right? And I couldn't explain why I was going there. I just knew that I needed to go there and I needed to go there for an extended period of time. And, yeah, you know, we did the, I did the meditation retreats and I knew that was going to be important for me. But deep down, I knew there was something bigger for me to experience while I was there and I think, I think it was just this breaking of the pattern. That was really it for me. Um, you know, by making that decision to go ahead and take that trip and be gone for those months, knowing full well that you know a lot of people were going to be unhappy about it, you know that was a monstrous step for me, um, at the time. So I think you know there were so many opportunities that came out of that trip.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:But I think the biggest opportunity I think for me was in just being able to break that pattern and teach about it right, because that was huge and that really is. You know a lot of what I teach and a lot of what I do in my self-love practices and you know my theories and my beliefs on people-pleasing and boundaries all kind of began in that six month experience. So it opened up, energetically and spiritually, so many doors for me, right, but I couldn't explain that before I went. I just knew I needed to go right and I knew that I needed to trust that and I knew that there was some important reason I needed to be there, even though I couldn't explain it and I couldn't articulate it. And I think that that's what we need to remember is that when we are being guided or when we feel we need to do something, there's something that we want to do or something that we feel we shouldn't do very strongly one way or the other. We need to honor that because it leads to something, it leads to the next thing, it leads to the next opportunity, the next milestone, the next clue along your path.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:You know, and if we are doing what other people want us to do and not what we're being guided to do, we miss out on a lot of those opportunities. Like, can you imagine, had I not gone on my trip to Asia, my life would have been drastically different if I had not gone, you know, for better or for worse. Like, I don't think I would go back to the life I had before Asia, although it was successful on paper. I wasn't happy, you know I was completely unfulfilled on paper. I wasn't happy. You know I was completely unfulfilled, you know, and I don't think I had any idea who I was at the time, to be honest, you know.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:So we miss out on those things, we miss out on those opportunities by not following where we're being guided, where our internal GPS is guiding us to go because there's something important for us to find there. Instead, internal GPS is guiding us to go because there's something important for us to find there. Instead, we're on this like maze to nowhere, following everybody else's direction right and missing out on all the opportunities that could unfold for us if we were just listen to ourselves. Right? Because I do believe that we're always being guided, we're always being led and it's trusting ourselves that is going to help us find our path to get to where we're going. And this is where you know, so many times like women will come to me with.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:You know, I got into this relationship and everything was going great in my life, and now I feel like you know, ever since I've been in this relationship, my life has just crumbled and it's like well, because you know you took the focus from what you needed to do and what you needed to create for yourself. And you made the relationship, the focus right. And that's one of the I think the most, the most potent, toxic patterns that I've run into again and again is is women, you know, who are making the relationship their focus in their life. And I I know we're all many of us are brought up to do that and even though a lot of us will say we don't do that, like well, we'll say no, no, I'm confident, I live my own life, I do my own thing and blah, blah, blah, blah.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:But the reality is, the minute we get into a relationship, suddenly we drop our boundaries, we relax, you know. And next thing, you know we are making decisions based on. You know what it is that our partner needs, or you know what would make their life easier or support them, or you know compromise here, let this go, make an adjustment there, and before you know it, we don't recognize our life anymore. You know and that's not to say that relationships don't come with compromise. Of course they do. Of course they do. That is one of the foundational requirements of a relationship is that you know both parties are able to make some compromise, but you should never completely sacrifice yourself for the sake of a relationship.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:Okay, and then you know, the third thing in all of this is the ripple effect, right, of all these insignificant little minute changes or adjustments that we're making that lead to long-term consequences. Right, like anytime, like you know, I know you guys probably don't watch Fast and the Furious, but I am a huge fan of Fast and the Furious, right, and I can't remember which one it was. It was the one that when they were in Russia and there was the submarine under the water that they were trying to chase over the ice, anyway, there's this like heat, it was at the. There was a, there was a torpedo chasing them as they were in their cars, like racing over the ice trying to catch the submarine. Okay, and all I can remember is this torpedo was like rolling up to the side of the car and, you know, buddy opens the car door, just slightly, kicks the torpedo, and just that slight change in the angle that the torpedo was going put it on a trajectory way out in left field other than you know, outside, as opposed to where it was initially headed, right, just in that one little nudge right, because the faster you're going, the more momentum you have, the more it impacts a directional change. Right?
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:That's what all these little, little, tiny, insignificant details are doing, one little decision at a time is they're actually nudging you on a different path that you weren't meant to go down, right? Right, because now you're making one choice at a time. You know you're going to this bakery instead of that coffee shop because somebody wants you to get this latte for them, and so you go there, and then you, you meet somebody, and then you create a friendship, and that you know, maybe that friendship wasn't aligned for you. You're supposed to meet somebody else, but now you're talking to this person and next thing, you know, you know you're you've made a habit of going to this cafe and you missed out an opportunity to talk to somebody over there. Or you know, like maybe it just kind of, maybe you didn't meet anybody and it just sank, tanked your energy being there because it wasn't a place that you really enjoyed being, or whatever.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:The point is is that with each of these little, insignificant decisions, one decision at a time slowly nudges the direction of your life and it has a ripple effect of change Some not so much, others way more than others. It really all depends on the circumstance, you know, but you never want to. And it's not to say that I I'm not trying to scare you guys into you know, oh my God, I can't make the right, I can't make any decisions because there's going to be consequences. And now, now you're in like analysis, paralysis. That's not what. That's not what I want for you guys.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:Okay, what I am saying is make sure as much as possible that your decisions feel right for you and I want you to feel them in your body. Forget feel right for you and I want you to feel them in your body. Forget thinking your mind has already been programmed with everyone else's opinion so you can forget it. Okay, stop trying to like yeah, the bigger decisions, I would think about them logically. You know where to buy a home, or how much to spend on a home, or how to finance an automobile, or you know the big things. Those are the things I would put some thought into.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:But, first and foremost, how does that decision feel in your body? If it feels right, if it feels freeing, if it feels liberating, if it feels uplifting, if it feels exciting, if it feels easeful, even though it might be scary mentally, but it feels easeful in your body might be scary mentally, but it feels easeful in your body. That's the direction you should be going and that's the decision you should be making. And if it doesn't, then you have to ask yourself am I willing to do the unpleasing thing here, or is this too scary for me? If it's too scary, then you know what.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:Do your best, right, because the pattern of people pleasing can only be broken slowly over time. It is a process. It's not something that's going to you're going to break overnight. You know every decision needs to be looked at from this lens of am I pleasing myself or am I pleasing someone else? Right now, right. And the decisions that please yourself will feel easeful. They will feel supported, they will feel in flow, they will feel light, they will feel energizing. Right.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:And you're not going to feel that heavy resistance that you feel when you're doing something that goes against your nature. And you'll feel it right away. And if you can tune into your body every time somebody asks you to do something, you'll feel it. You'll know it right away. And as you start, tune into your body every time somebody asks you to do something, you'll feel it. You'll know it right away. And as you start to ask your body okay, how does my body feel being asked this question? What do I feel in my body physically? Is the right thing to say yes or no, you know? And if you need to take a time out to answer those questions, take a time out. Just say you know what. Let me get back to you with that. You know people don't like that. It's either whatever, you know what. Again, you have to be willing to do the unpleasing thing. End of story, right?
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:No matter how fucking uncomfortable it feels and there's a difference between uncomfortable in your mind and uncomfortable or like in anxiety, where it creates anxiety even for you, versus uncomfortable in your mind and uncomfortable or like in anxiety, where it creates anxiety even for you, versus uncomfortable in your body. The right decision will often feel easeful in your body, but will create doubts in your mind or create anxiety in your chest. Remember that, because people always say no, no, it doesn't feel like the right decision, because I'm so anxious. But that could be that it is the right decision, but the anxiety comes from knowing that you're going to be unpleasing people along the way. Okay, so I really want you to think about this and I really want you to remember.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:Every decision is important. Okay, we're not going to get it perfect every time. We are going to fumble again. I still fumble, I still wake up days and I'm like how the fuck did I get here? You know, because of one decision after another leading me down a trajectory that I might not have otherwise chosen for myself. You know, and it's very, very it's very easy to do when you're not paying attention to your decisions as you make them. So I know we pay attention to the big decisions.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:My ask of you with this episode is to pay attention to the small decisions, see what feels good in your body and see if you can't make more decisions in alignment with what feels good in your body, even though it may create some resistance in your mind or some anxiety in your chest. Okay, that is my ask of you. Let me know how this episode resonated. I love to hear from you guys and if this episode was, if you enjoyed it. Please leave a positive rating or review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify or wherever you're seeing this. Until next time, you guys. Massive love.
