Welcome to Real Talk with Reginald D. I'm your host, Reginald D. On today's episode, I have Tamara Fox. Tamara has her own business, Awaken Empowerment, and she is also a health and wellness coach. Tamara has used her life and her journey to transform and empower other people's lives. Welcome to the show, Tamara. 

Thank you for having me. 

So let's talk about Tamara. Where did you grow up and what was your childhood like? 

Yeah. I grew up in Evergreen, Colorado, which is a small-ish suburb outside of Denver. It's about 45 minutes west of Denver near the mountains. It's at 8,000 feet, so lots of snow in the winter. My childhood was actually pretty good up until about middle school when my parents got divorced. I was very fortunate. My dad had a great job when I was a kid. So I had a really kind of easy childhood until middle school. And then middle school, things obviously changed once my parents got divorced. And then it wasn't until I was about 19 years old that my life, for lack of better words, my traumas started to really pop up in my life and occur. 

So what was like the obstacle, like when your parents got divorced, what was the biggest obstacle you had to face or what was the problem with disappointment and things like that? Was there like a big letdown in your life? 

So the way I found out my parents were getting divorced was probably the most traumatic of it all because I wasn't sat down and told, you know, Hey, mom and dad are getting a divorce. At the time we had one of those older Mac books that I don't even think they make anymore that the screens would swivel. I don't know if you remember those when Macs first came out, they had those swivel screens. We had one of those. And in our office that we had at my home, the computer chair, like the back was facing the door. And so the screen was facing the door as well. And anytime I would walk in the office, my dad would swivel the screen really fast. Just like that's, you know, as 12 or 13 years old is like, that's suspicious. That's not normal behavior. And I knew his email password because he had given it to me years ago. And I logged into his email and found out he was on a dating website. So that's how I found out my parents were getting divorced. So that in itself was pretty traumatic. And I actually called my dad after and was like, I don't want to speak to you again. I didn't talk to my dad for six months after that. And that was kind of the first of many rollercoaster experiences my dad and I had before he passed in 2020. 

Yeah, your dad passed away and then you had other siblings close to you, like passed away back to back, plus your dog and everything else. 

Yeah. So I can give some context to your listeners. So when I was 19 in 2011, I was actually robbed at gunpoint in my apartment. So I woke up in the middle of the night to a masked man standing over my bed, holding a gun to my face. And then he immediately threw a pillow over my face and told me, if you scream, I will kill you. And in that moment, So my life flashed before my eyes, some memories of my childhood. I truly thought I was never going to see my friends or family or anyone I loved ever again. And it turns out he had the wrong apartment. So the next thing he asked me is they told me there's a safe in here. I was 19 years old. I worked at P.F. Chang's and I was about to be going back to school at the time in college. I didn't have a safe. I didn't really have any money. So he had the wrong apartment. He was also under the influence because I could smell alcohol in his breath. And after trying to negotiate with him to get him to leave, he didn't leave for what felt like hours. And unfortunately he did rape me before he left and then dislocated my arm. So I had to get shoulder surgery too after. So, and physically assaulted me. I had, you know, bruises on my neck. I had gash within my mouth. So that was like the first traumatic experience I had. And then shortly after that, my dad had been battling with an opioid addiction. from the time that I was actually like in middle school, but it wasn't as obvious back then. And his opiate addiction got really bad. So his mental health, he would become verbally abusive and not recall things. And that got really bad shortly after my trauma and dealt with that for close to, you know, six, seven, eight years. And then between the years of 2016 and 2022, I had seven deaths, one of which was my father in 2020. He passed from cancer. One of my brothers, I'm one of five, I have four brothers. One of my brothers was killed March 2022 in a car accident. And then one of my best friends was killed August 2022. And then yeah, I did also lose my dog who I got because of the trauma when I was 19. I got her to help with the PTSD and anxiety and just to feel safe in my home. She was a German shepherd. She passed in 2021, but from 2016 to 2022, it was almost a death a year. And so it was seven deaths in six years. 

Wow. That's a lot. That is a lot. So let me ask you this question, Tamara. How did you begin to overcome this traumatic experiences that you had and how long did it take for you to start healing from it? Because I know a lot of people have that, you just got to get over it mindset. And that's not true a lot of times. People think you go through stuff and it'll be six months and you should be over it. But sometimes it takes a lot longer than that. It's not like you went and backed into a pole with your car and put a dent in your car. Those things you got to get over, right? You don't need counseling for that. You don't need medication for that, things like that. But how was that journey trying to get over all this stuff? 

I think it's a journey I'm actually never going to stop being on. I truly believe and promote that healing is never ending. We're always healing in different ways. And especially when you're diagnosed with something like PTSD, it's something you live with for the rest of your life in different ways. Now, the severity of it is not the same as when I was 19, but I still have triggers and I still have moments where my PTSD pops up in different ways. I did have that mindset of, I just need to get over it. Like I've always been a pretty fast paced person, very ambitious, very goal oriented. So right after it happened, I dove into the traditional route of healing. So talk therapy and prescription drugs so that I could heal because I didn't want to feel how I felt. I hated not sleeping. I hated being afraid of everything. I hated being afraid of everyone. I hated not feeling that sense of independence that I had just gotten since I was 19 years, you know, I was 19. I was just now getting my sense of independence. And so I thought I was going to be able to heal just overnight and I should be over it. Cause I wanted to, I was like, this shouldn't, this shouldn't have to be this way, but it's taken me years and different modalities to actually find what worked. So from when I was 19 and that was 2011 until about probably 2016 is when I did the very traditional routes of healing. So talk therapy. I did some EMDR, which is eye movement desensitization with a therapist. I did other therapy modalities with my therapist. I was on probably every anti-anxiety, depression, and PTSD medication they make, including sleeping pills. I tried them all. I was on like three or four at a time. So was definitely not myself. And then. Because my dad was an opioid addict, I was like, this doesn't feel right. I've seen what prescription drugs have done to somebody I love and care about. I don't want to go down that route. I don't want my life and myself to be dependent on prescription drugs. So that's when I started to, you know, teeter off of them in that 2015, 2016 timeframe. And I began then to focus on the more holistic healing. It actually also coincided with my grandma's death. So my grandma was the first one who passed in 2016. It was October 15th, 2016. When she passed, my mom connected me with a medium and because I was very close with my grandma and it was the first loss I had had as an adult that had really stuck with me. And so my mom connected me with a medium so that I could, you know, try and find some peace in it. And from there I began to actually explore some more holistic or Eastern medicine approaches to my healing. So that includes, you know, diet, supplementation. I did a lot of Reiki and energy work. which is healing the traumas we store within our organs and our bodies. I've done neural feedback. I've done acupuncture. If it's available, I've done it with the more holistic route. So to this day, I say I'm still healing. I'm always healing. It's just, I'm healing different things in different ways. And I'm at a place now where it's not at the surface, like it was in 2011, where I'm able to function and manage my life in a different way. 

I believe in counseling. I believe in people needing medication for certain things, but in your mind and in your personal life, what are some of the things you did to help you get through what you went through? 

Yeah. So therapy was definitely helpful, especially right up front because just processing it and speaking, you know, talking about what had happened. Even if people don't go to therapy, talking to someone, processing with somebody, this is what occurred. So the biggest thing for me was therapy to start. And then over time, it was more managing my lifestyle in a different way that I could heal myself. So exercise, diet, supplementation, feeling my best self in that holistic lens, which is why I became the health and wellness coach, is to really empower myself to be the best version of myself. And that didn't really happen until I started focusing on everything besides just my mental health. So when I focused on my physical health, focused on my social health, how are my relationships? How are my friendships? When I focused on my career and really focused on everything, including the mental health aspect, that's when I saw the most healing and growth for me personally, as well as doing things like my blood work, what was going on in my body internally, not just what was I feeling externally? How are those connected? What else did I need to do to support myself in order to feel better? And still to this day, I have a coach that I work with personally. I still do regular blood work. I still do supplementation. So it's still something I manage and will continue to manage the rest of my life to feel better. 

So Tamara, you became a health and wellness coach. What does that kind of consist of with you day to day? 

Every day is different, which is why I love it. I have a background in human resources. And I spent most of my career doing human resources consulting and leadership consulting and coaching. And I really loved the one-on-one aspect. And which is why I did the health and wellness coaching, because I've found that when you partner with somebody one-on-one, you can really help them reach the goals that they want to reach. I always knew I wanted to help people, which is why I got an HR. But I didn't love therapy. When I was in therapy, it never clicked for me. It was never somewhere I wanted to be. And then when I finally found my own coach, I was like, wow, I feel seen. I don't feel alone. I don't feel this clinical person, you know, telling me. Let's talk about your problems. Yeah. I was like, I've done that. I've talked about my problems. So coaching enabled me to be goal oriented, which is my natural mindset to really focus on the future. to overcome regardless of what I've been through to really be the person I want to be. So with my health and wellness coaching, that's what I partner with my clients on. Who do you want to be and how do we get you there? They really guide that and it's their ship to sail, I always say, but I'm there to help them, give them researches, hold them accountable, encourage them, as well as do some skill development along the way, since I do have that human resources and leadership background. I can coach them and provide them with some wonderful resources to help upscale them in places like their career as well. Because again, when we think of a holistic person, we think of all the aspects of them, their career, their relationships, their physical, emotional, mental health, their spiritual health. So that's what the health and wellness coaching in is focusing on the whole person. And when my clients show up, they have all different topics they want to talk about. Some is stress management. Others are, how do I get a promotion in my career? Others are, how do I become a better communicator? So it's a variety of topics, which is why I love it because it allows me to work with people and help support them with what they need. And I know the power and the benefit of it personally, as well as I've seen it with my clients as well. So that's why I always say I help clients transform their lives because I really, truly believe coaching is transformational. 

I believe in that. I definitely believe in that. So I read that when you had your traumatic experience, you didn't tell a lot of people. Some friends you didn't tell and things like that. What finally made you open up and tell your story? 

Yeah. So I was afraid. So when I was 19 years old, I was really, really scared that because the man who robbed and raped me was never found. So to this day, I have no idea if he's in jail, out of jail, alive, where he's living. I don't even know what he looks like because he was wearing a mask. And because of that, I lived in so much fear for a very long time that he would somehow find me if I ever spoke out about what happened to me. So because of that, and also too, I didn't want people to see me as this person who was, for lack of better words, like a victim or somebody who was not as good as the rest of the people around them because I had gone through these traumatic experiences. In college, it's a lot about you're really finding who you are. And in my early twenties too, I didn't know who I was completely. So I think I was just afraid to tell people because I didn't want them to judge me. And I didn't want them to think that I was less than because of what happened to me. And then in 2020 was when I first actually publicly started to speak about it. I wrote a blog. I started sharing about it more and it inspired me to do it because I knew if I wanted to do the work I do. I had to tell people because in order for me to relate with my clients and for my clients to know that change is possible, regardless of what you've been through and that resilience does exist, I had to publicly share it. So I'm much more open with it now. I've done podcasts on it. Obviously I've written a blog on it. I plan to write a book on it one day, but it was me taking back that. And when I did it too, it was truly me taking back that power of saying, I'm no longer afraid of. This person, I don't know. I don't know who he is or where he is, but by sharing my story and really standing behind it, I don't have to live in that fear anymore and I don't have to worry about him finding me. But for the longest time I was focused so much on, you know, is he my neighbor? Is he at the grocery store with me? Is he at the gym? Like I was constantly in this heightened state of fear and it took me years to really come out of that. 

And I really admire you for that. I really do. Cause when I read that part about she didn't tell a lot of people, I was like, She didn't want to be judged. The same thing you just told me, that's what was going through my mind. So I had to ask that question. So Tamara, what would you say to someone who's had a traumatic experience and what advice would you give them so they can get on the road to healing? Because that's one of the most important things. I think that people don't know what to do when you get blindsided by something that just changed your whole life. 

The first thing is you're not alone. So part of the reason I started my blog was to help people not feel alone. When I went through what I went through when I was 21 or sorry, 19 in 2011, with waking up to a masked man over my bed, I felt alone when I was talking to people about it. Even when I was talking to therapists, I was like, nobody went through this experience besides me. And nobody knows how I feel. And I also at the time knew nobody who had ever been raped, robbed, or physically assaulted like that. And so for anyone going through something, one, especially if it's traumatic like that, where you were in an experience alone, like you're not alone. There are, while yes, nobody can ever completely understand how you feel and how your experience was. There are people who have also gone through traumatic experiences and come out the other side better. And two with grief, cause I talk a lot about grief with clients and on podcasts and just, I do workshops on it because of the number of deaths I've experienced in a short span of time. That with grief, it's again, it's also you're not alone. I kind of group grief and trauma together. To me, they're both traumatic experiences of it's possible to heal and it's possible to feel better. And I find so often that people get really stuck in their trauma. They stay in or they let it define them of this happened to me and this is now who I am because of it. Instead of saying this experience happened to me and I'm going to still become who I want to be with or without it. and allowing their trauma to be a part of who what they are instead of defining who they are. So for anyone, especially if it's fresh and new, I'd say focus on yourself and what you need. And that looks different for everybody. Some people love therapy and that works for them. Some people don't love therapy. Other people listen to a ton of podcasts. So there's a lot of free resources out there too, between podcasts, there's eBooks, or there's low cost books that you can buy on different topics. There's coaches and therapists if you do want to spend more money, but don't give up on your healing or yourself. Because like I said earlier, healing is forever. Even though it's not as prominent, it's not as heavy, it's not as hard, it's still something I will deal with for the rest of my life. And I think all of us are healing, regardless if it's like, you know, that big T trauma, like what I went through, which I hate, hate the word big T trauma, but that's kind of how it's categorized in mainstream ways of the really traumatic events, like something I went through. Even small traumas, like COVID was a collective trauma for everybody that requires healing. And we all have to continue to heal through the rest of our lives. 

I'm glad you pointed out something, Tamara, because you said you're still healing. And I think that's what people give up because they will go down the road five years later, 10 years later, whatever, be like, why is this still in my mind? Why is this still there? you know, sometimes it can happen so bad to you, you're going to have to deal with it, you know. But I think you have to find your peace. What makes you happy? You have to change up things and do things that's best for you when you're going through those situations, when you have been through those situations. 

Yeah, I agree. And it's also I mean, when I say I'm still healing, I'm not necessarily healing from that trauma that happened in 2011. That's not the focus of my healing anymore. That was 12 years ago. So that's not at the surface. That's not what I'm healing through. But my brother died almost two years ago. That's the focus of my healing. One of my best friends was also killed just over a year ago. That's the focus of my healing. Or there's things that just collective little things that come up over our lifetimes that we're healing through. So I think healing and growing to me are kind of the same thing. Oftentimes I meet with folks who are like, I really want to grow. I really want to develop. I'm like, but you also have to heal. Like, they go hand in hand. Because if you can't move on from what you've been through, how are you supposed to become who you want to be and get to where you want to be? And I think healing sometimes has a negative connotation to it of like, that means there's something wrong with you. When in fact, everybody has something that they need to process or get through or overcome. And it doesn't mean anything's wrong with folks. I always tell my coaches and clients that I work with, like, people that are in coaching, it actually means something's right with them. They want to become better. They want to evolve. They have a growth mindset. They don't want to stay where they're at. They want to move forward. 

Exactly. And you put it perfect. You put it perfect because, you know, here's the thing. You have to get through things to get where you're going in life. I feel. Yeah. Everybody, like I said, they have their own destiny or what they want to do, but they can't let go of what has happened or what they're trying to get over and things like that. And it keeps them stuck. It keeps them stuck in life. And sometimes you've got to work the process. You've got to take care and you do the best you can so you can move forward with everything in your life. 

Yeah. And you can't bypass it too. I mean, I tell clients that too. I sometimes work with clients who do a dual because I'm not a therapist. I will never be a therapist, at least in my current plans. And I don't advertise as such, but I work with clients who work with me as their coach and then also have a therapist. And I sometimes I meet clients too, who haven't done some of that post healing work and just want to focus on the future, just want to get over things, but there's stuff from their past that they're clinging on to, or they're holding on to. And it could be as small as when they were a kid, somebody pushed them over on the playground and they're still in ways, it's still a wound that they haven't healed from. And so I tell those clients, I'm like, listen, in order to reach the future you want, you have to let go of the past and you have to heal from that. So oftentimes some folks have to do that combo of therapy and coaching in order to get there because many people just want to bypass the healing. They don't want to do the hard stuff. Healing and growth is the hard stuff. And they just want to focus on all of the great, shiny, wonderful things that are about to come into their life. And it's like, that's great, but you've got to fix what you, you know, heal, maybe fix isn't the right word, but heal what you once held onto. 

And people don't really understand that part because personally with me, I grew up in a religious family, you know, pastors, preachers, and all of that stuff. And my mom was like the only one out of 11 kids that had a child out of wedlock. So I was told I would never amount to nothing because of that. Wow. And I actually took that all my life, Tamra, all my life. I took that with me. And people were like, man, what's wrong with this guy? Why he grind so much? Why he worked so hard? Because it's in my mind that I'm not going to let you say I said so at the end of the day. So I took that and I just had to work it out throughout my life and stuff like that. Yeah, I finally kind of let it go probably about three years ago. I'm 51 years old now. But it takes some simple things. And then somebody said something like that about you. And then you were in a single parent home, you and your little sister, you're growing up poor and things like that. And it's like, oh man, is this true? You know, am I going to be this way? But you just have to fight with the mental thing in your mind and start doing the things that you need to do for what you have to do in life to get where you are. So I did that. I mean, it took a lot of sacrifice, take a lot of work. I think if you mentally, if you deal with the issue, like you said at first, knowing that you have an issue, knowing you have a problem, then you can work on that. And then you can go to the next step of being who you want to become. 

Yeah. And I see it hold people back too, even in coaching, if it's not necessarily something they need to go to therapy for, or it's not required that they work with a therapist. But I see it with folks where maybe they own a small business or they're a leader in an organization and they have these Stories, you know, just like you said, you'll never amount to nothing because you heard that once and we cling to that. So I've worked with leaders so often that they're like, I'm not good enough or they're people pleasers. And they're like, nobody likes me. My team hates me. My boss hates me. And I just hear all the time. And it's like, is that true? Or is that what you're telling yourself is true? And it's, you know, going through what is causing you to tell yourself that. What are the signs around you that tell you that's not true and how are you worthy? So. It's very fascinating the ways it even shows up with folks professionally too. And personally, I mean, I see it both, but even when it has nothing to do with, you know, their boss or their team or the owner of the company they work for. And it's something, like I said, they heard once in childhood and it's tumbleweeded its way through their life and it's become this bigger thing and it's holding them back. Like I've seen people not apply for a new job, like a promotion within their organization because they don't feel they're worthy. It's like, that's not true. But again, they didn't work through what they had, or they've created this tumbleweed. 

And sometimes you have to believe in yourself a lot of times when you feel like nobody else believes in you. At the end of the day, you got to believe in yourself. That's what makes you try to go to the next step and things like that. Because like you said, they want to go for a promotion, knowing they've been on this job and they're qualified for it. They won't even put the name in their head because they feel like they're not worthy enough. Yeah. And that's what sets people back. 

Yep. 100%. 

So Tamara, how can people follow you and learn more about what you do and get in touch with you? 

Yeah. So my website is Awaken Empowerment. And hopefully you can link that for them. Cause I know that's a long name, but that's the, the name of my business. I always joke. I am the worst millennial because I don't use social media for my business. So I don't have a Facebook page or an Instagram page for my business that folks can follow, but my website has all my events, or if they want to work one-on-one doing coaching, I also do group workshops, group facilitation. I do training. a whole bunch of things so I can work with both businesses and individuals, and my website is the best way to contact me. 

Sounds good. Tamara, thank you so much for stopping by, spending time with me today. You are definitely an inspiration. You're definitely an inspiration, and I couldn't wait to get you on my podcast. I really appreciate you stopping by. We're going to put everything in the show notes for the listeners and things like that. They need to reach out to you, but I really appreciate your courage and All the things you've been through, you've overcome it or you're overcoming it. So you're definitely an inspiration. 

Thank you. I appreciate it. And thank you for having me. 

Thank you for tuning in with Real Talk with Reginald D. If you enjoyed the show, please share with anyone you feel that needs to take this journey with us on being a better you. See you next time.