It's another great day to get better. I'm Toby Brooks. Becoming Undone is the podcast for those who dare bravely, risk mightily, and grow relentlessly. Join me each week as I invite a new guest to examine how high achievers can transform from falling apart to falling into place. from falling apart to falling into place. Competing at the highest levels requires a rare combination of ambition, ability, drive, and opportunity. For highly decorated pitcher Katie Burkhart-Gooch, she can recall authoring and signing mission and vision statements for herself before she'd even become a teenager. Ambition? Check. Early successes on the softball field led to a steady stream of newer and greater opportunities as an athlete. stream of newer and greater opportunities as an athlete. Grand visions of Olympic victory might have seemed far-fetched at such a young age, but Katie believed that she had both the resolve and the talent to make them a reality. Ability and drive? Check and check. Eventually she found herself at Arizona State University where as a senior she helped lead the Sun Devils to a 66-5 record and a national championship in 2008. Awarded 2008. Awarded College World Series MVP honors, Katie was soon drafted first overall in the National Pro Fastpitch League where she remained dominant posting 13 wins and a sparkling 1.87 ERA en route to NFP Player of the Year honors as a rookie. Opportunity, check. After wrapping up a successful professional career in the US and abroad, she eventually moved on, dabbling in coaching abroad, she eventually moved on, dabbling in coaching and other pursuits. It was a fairy tale story of athletic success. Except it wasn't, exactly. There'd been signs along the way, behind a steel exterior and a crafted persona as a dominant and hungry competitor, Katie wrestled off the field with doubts and with feelings of being an imposter. Tragically as a freshman in college, she found herself picking up the pieces following a date rig, wondering if she would even continue to play. picking up the pieces following a date rig, wondering if she would even continue to play. Struggles with alcohol had also crept in over the years, and by 2019, she found herself as what she would describe as her rock bottom. For pain and anguish, a new Katie eventually emerged, surrounded by those she loves and with new creative pursuits that allow her to express a different side than the dominant former pro athlete in the unlikely but satisfying space in the unlikely but satisfying space between thrash and zen, limp biscuit and meditation, diamonds drawn in the chalk and those set in gold. And she's not done yet. Join me for the inspiring story of Katie Burkhardt Gooch in episode 29, Diamonds. This episode is certainly one I've been looking forward to going to grad school in Arizona, certainly U of A. certainly you have a we we we follow what the Sun Devils do, and I think vice versa. So Katie Burkhart now Burkhart Gooch was certainly one of the most successful pitchers in ASU Sun Devil softball history, and she has a heck of a story and it falls right in line with. Kind of the purpose of this show to normalize the fact that just because you have been a high achiever in one aspect of life, the fact that just because you have been a high achiever in one aspect of life, it doesn't automatically ensure that the next season is going to go in that same way. And so, Katie, welcome. Glad to have you today. Hi. Thanks for having me. So we start off pretty much every episode by just asking the question. Start at the beginning, wherever that was for you. Okay. I am born and raised in California. I am born and raised in California. I started as a catcher at 10 years old for softball. I was actually an equestrian show jumper and I had to make the choice of which sport because they're both very expensive. So I played and then I moved in middle school to San Luis Obispo, which was quite the culture shock. Sports and softball was not as prevalent there. in softball was not as prevalent there. It wasn't a big sport, so it was kind of a, it was hard coming into a place where it's a small town and everything's kind of set. I was an outsider and had to kind of bridge my way in, but it was done easily and we've, and then I've been very blessed along the way of like just people that have been in my path that have helped me get from A to Z in softball in general. in softball in general. So you started off, I'm guessing, playing rec ball and maybe eventually travel ball. You don't end up at ASU by just playing high school ball, most likely. So talk me through that kind of middle school and high school era of softball for Katie. Yeah, so something I guess would be kind of important to mention is before I even played softball, and it was in first grade, And before I even played softball, and it was in first grade, I'd watched the Olympics and I was actually very interested in swimming. And I drew the Olympic rings when our teacher asked us what we wanted to be. And I drew the Olympic rings and that actually solicited the teacher calling my parents in to say that I had unrealistic goals. And that like they needed to basically bring me down a couple notches. and that they needed to basically bring me down a couple notches. And I remember that really frustrating me, and then I found softball, and it just clicked. But, yeah, that was something I think that's important. I've always been told my goals are unrealistic, but we can get into that later. Spoiler alert here, but Katie would be named to Team USA in 2009. say in 2009. Unfortunately for her, softball was removed as an official Olympic sport after the 2008 Summer Games. But if that teacher's listening, shame on you. Those Olympic rings Katie drew weren't unrealistic. They were prophetic for a little girl who would grow up to be one of the most dominant pitchers of her generation. Back to Katie's story, though. Yeah, so middle school, I always knew that I wanted to be on the Olympic team, and then on the Olympic team and then I got to meet Lisa Fernandez when I was living in Southern California. And she looked at me and she said, if you keep practicing and you keep working, you're going to be great one day. Well, fast forward, I got to shake her hand and speak to her because she was interviewing me at the World Series in 2008. So it was totally full circle. I still can't talk to her. I still can't talk to her. She's like such like my idol. I've had her. I've had her poster on my wall since I was 10, but she's by far my favorite athlete still to this day. And I, Michael Phelps, cause I'm weird and I love swimming and diving on top of softball. So you find your way into, I'm guessing the travel ball scene. And talk to me about how you were able to transition Yes. Talk to me about how you were able to transition from playing at that level to getting a scholarship offer at ASU. Yes. So I grew up in San Luis Obispo. Like when we moved, I was in San Luis Obispo, California, small area. I played on the travel ball teams there. There was some drama that was going on. Parents were not happy that I was getting more time on the mound. getting more time on the mound. So we had been contacted by someone who was a couple years older than I was that had called my mom and said, you guys need to get her on an 18 goal team. And my mom's like, she's only 15. That's absolutely absurd. And he's like, no, to get for what her goals are, and thank God for this man, this is Joe Grimm. I'll give him a this is Joe Grimm. I'll give him a shout out. He pretty much was the catalyst of getting me into the travel ball scene so then I could be seen by the big schools. So I, we transferred down to playing with the Santa Barbara Waves 18 gold team. And from there we played in a tournament in LA. It was in Orange County and I was playing against the American Pastime Gold. Luckily, and I was playing against the American Pastime Gold. Luckily, they got knocked into the loser's bracket, where we were, because our team was not very good. We were just a lonely little beach town travel ball team that they won gold one year, and that's how you get that title. But I played against them, I held them, until Heidi, who ended up being one of my catchers at Arizona State, hit a ball through and it kept rolling, I ended up being one of my catchers at Arizona State, hit a ball through and it kept rolling and that was the only run they scored. Well, after that game, it was probably for six months or more, they called harassing my mother to let me come play on the team, which was a huge commitment because it was a four and a half hour drive, five hour drive for us, just to play travel ball. And so I got recruited down there, for us just to play travel ball. And so I got recruited down there. They finally talked her into like letting me just come pitch one, get, you know, pitch in a tournament, get down there. And I looked at my mom and I was like, this is a team I'm supposed to be on. I want to be on this team. We were, I mean, they had just the drift, like fully decked out, like, I mean, clothing, we were sponsored. It was like the full experience. And I'm like, this is what I want to be. It was like the full experience and I'm like, this is what I want to be. I had my teammates behind me when I'm pitching, they're diving for balls and I'm like, what is this? Like, I don't have to carry all the burden. This is excellent. Like, they're like, they're playing behind me. And not that there was anything wrong with like, I had amazing teammates leading up to that, girls that would dive, but it was like the entire team, everybody one through nine was like, But it was like the entire team, everybody one through nine, was like a full-rise scholarship status athlete. So it was pretty incredible. Plus, being on that team would get me in the winning brackets where then those college coaches are coming to watch us. And so during that experience, it was wild getting to be at these games, pitching and having, you know, Sue and Quist watching me. you know, Sue Inquist watching me and you had Mike Candrea and I mean the biggest names in the game were coming there to watch and it was just like super unheard of for somebody from, you know, San Luis Obispo to be getting this kind of shot. It was a big deal during that time. So at that stage was the focus on getting a scholarship to play college softball or did or did you still have like that was an intermediate step to your Olympic dreams? Had it really formed that much or was it still just next step? Oh, I don't know what where this comes from, but ever since I was like I was little, I was writing mission statements and signing them and I had goals like I knew. I knew like once I drove through those Olympic rings, didn't know what sport, but I knew that there was a process and once I learned that, Once I drew those Olympic rings, didn't know what sport, but I knew that there was a process. Once I learned that process that I had to be on the best team, I had to go to the best college because I started researching Lisa Fernandez and I wanted to emulate every single thing that that woman did. If I heard she was practicing for four hours on one pitch, you better believe I would be out there with my pitching coach for four hours learning the rise ball. for four hours learning the rise ball and I'm grateful for people like her that set that standard. Her famous quote is never be satisfied. It is definitely it's definitely a kind of a hindrance now because that makes life really hard when you're never satisfied. Yeah, three things come to mind here as Katie is talking. First of all, how precious is it that this hyper motivated child is First of all, how precious is it that this hyper-motivated child is writing mission statements and actually signing them to herself at such a young age? This tells me that she is no ordinary performer. The fabric of what makes Katie, Katie, is fundamentally different than most, and it showed early in life. Secondly, I love the fact that a hero like Elisa Fernandez recognized the way she inspired, especially young girls, and in making her routines public knowledge and sharing her especially young girls, and in making her routines public knowledge and sharing her grind, she, in a way, was providing a template for success for the next generation, including Katie to follow. Lastly, it's that double-edged sword you hear when Katie shares Lisa's credo, never be satisfied. It is at the same time a motivator to chase down success, and a sentence, and a weight that has to be carried. The burden of dissatisfaction can be a heavy weight to bear. And as Katie will share later, eventually, it can knock down even the best in the world. That was a big thing. Yeah. For 16, 17-year-old Katie, seeing these new opportunities, getting to play with a team that is defensively unlike anything, like you can change as a pitcher. Your approach in the circle can change when you know you've got that behind you. Yes. can change when you know you've got that behind you. Yes. Where did you see yourself now, at your age now, where did 16-year-old Katie see herself? Or was that really the farthest in the future you could see? Honestly, that is as far as I could see. I talk to a lot of athletes now about this, where having something beyond the game, I I don't know if it was fear for me, or it's just that one focus. Like I get very obsessive about the things that I want. And like I was saying with the goals and my mission statement that I would write out, I knew what the stepping stones were. And the pie in the sky was the Olympics. And so once I made the team and then they knocked that out of the Olympics, it was a rude awakening. And I knew at that point too, I didn't really necessarily want to coach, It was a rude awakening and I knew at that point too, I didn't really necessarily want to coach. And I was like, holy crap, what am I gonna do now? What's life gonna be now outside of the game? And there's a lot of that came with that. Yeah. So you move from California, you make your way to Tempe and you're a splash. Your freshman campaign is fantastic. and you're a splash, your freshman campaign is fantastic, you're two-time All-American, you end up pretty much rewriting the entire record book at ASU. Was that all just a move uphill, if everything was good or were there some obstacles and some letdowns along the way? There is that. So a lot of people may know this, So, a lot of people may know this since I've told my story, but the people that are new to hearing this, I almost quit after my freshman year of college. I started recognizing, I think then, that there was more to my mental health. Like, you've put so much time into this, just give the new coach a chance and see where it goes. And thank God I did. When Coach Myers came in, it was the first time that I'd had anybody that was serious about the fact of taking us to the World Series. He was like, he wasn't in there like, oh, you know, we want to go to that. He's like, we're winning it. And you guys better buy in. And the older girls, they were, I don't think quite sure if they wanted to entirely buy in. And it took us three years to finally getting to, you know, we had, we called ourselves to finally getting to, you know, we had, we call ourselves the Fab Five, but there was five of us seniors, our senior year. And then we had freshmen that came in that were just as gung-ho. And I mean, our team wanted it. Like we were thirsty to win at that point. We'd been cultivated in that mindset for those three years. So you end up looking here, every major pitching record, innings pitch, strikeouts, looking here, every major pitching record, innings pitch, strikeouts, Pac-10 Pitcher of the Year back-to-back in 2007, 2008. And then you lead the team to a national championship and MVP in the College World Series. Like everything you may have mission-statemented and vision-statemented down in your notebook has come true. What was that like when you were at the College World Series and all that came to fruition? It happened. at the College World Series and all that aimed to fruition, it happened. Oh, it was, it was scary. Hold up, the most decorated pitcher in school history just led her team to a national championship. She actually manifested dreams and visions she had had for herself since childhood. She was crowned MVP of the most high-profile tournament in her sport. And when that happened, for her, it was scary? sport and when that happened for her it was scary? This is an incredible insight for me to hear. Sometimes we paint unrealistic pictures of high achievers in our minds. We make them out to be these purpose-driven cyborgs with this singular prime directive to win at all costs. But to hear Katie say that it was scary? She's human and it's a completely human response to accomplish a goal and human response to accomplish a goal and face a moment of fear. That what next doesn't care if you're an elite athlete with a medal around her neck, a vocalist hoisting a Grammy, or an entrepreneur who just cashed out her first startup. The terror of I did it, now what, is real. But it's what we do with that fear that makes all the difference. Scary, I'm not gonna lie, like there is like it there is a There was a moment that I think even my pitching coach was concerned because I completely had a mental breakdown in the bullpen leading up to our last series for the regionals. I couldn't even throw the ball. I had the worst yips you could even imagine. I just started breaking down. I was like, I can't do this. What am I doing? I can't do this. What am I doing? And she's like, get on the mound and pitch now. And like, you know, it was like really going after the fact of, hey, let's, you got to pitch through this. Like, let's work through this. And so once I, once I did that, I got through it. And then whenever that same, thank God for it too, is I had the same feeling when we were playing against UCLA. And I don't know how I made it through it, And I don't know how I made it through it, but I was like I was just the grace of God floating through and I mean my heart was in my throat during that game. And everyone was like, that was the best game and I was like, I'm a great actress, she's going to get an Academy Award. This wasn't that long ago, but it was a different era for athlete mental health. You were expected to just suck it up and perform. era for athlete mental health. You were expected to just suck it up and perform. And we saw in the most recent Olympics, Simone Biles, she does her warmup and she says, no, I've got the twisties, the softball equivalent, the yips. Curious to know your thoughts. Like she was, there was a rift in social media. Like some people rushed to her aid and said, this is a new era of mental health. We need to support athletes who find themselves in this position. And then there's kind of the old schoolers that were like, athletes who find themselves in this position. And then there's kind of the old schoolers that were like, she's soft, we sent her all this way and she's just going to sit there in a track suit and watch. Curious, you experienced what it meant to have the grit to push through that and were successful. But in this day and age, I don't know that that would have happened. So I'm curious what your perspective on that is. on that is? Well, I don't know. Well, let's just put it, I guess. So I had a pretty tragic thing happen to me my freshman year of college. My freshman year, I think it was kind of one of those things I started learning about alcohol and partying and doing all those things. And I made a bad decision and ended up at someone's house that I was date raped. And so that was really horrible to take on. But I think, you know, every experience happens. It's taken me a long time to get to this point now to look at it as that is really, I think what drove me into the athlete that I was because I just put my all into it and it was to the athlete that I was because I just put my all into it and it was life or death basically. And now after copious amounts of therapy and having a psychiatric evaluation and understanding that I think genetically I'm adopted, there was already some mental health issues that I was struggling with and that just perpetuated it. And then the softball and the invalidation And then the softball and the invalidation just even more massively perpetuated that. But I hit a wall eventually where I couldn't handle the stress of life and everything of like what was going on. And so that's when I really had to make the choice to get myself out of softball altogether. A lot of people don't understand it, but I'm sure if you talk to Simone Biles, she would I'm sure if you talk to Simone Biles, she would tell you, like, there gets to be a point where you have to just cut the noise and cut people out and for your own sanity, because it's just not healthy. Putting yourself back in a place that makes you feel uncomfortable. I mean, it's like, it's almost like insanity. You're just keep going back, going back and going back and wondering, going back and going back and wondering, oh, I wonder why I don't feel right. And it's like, well, there's trauma there. There's other things that until you heal from that, if you ever do, it's just going to be the same thing. Right. Let me jump in here again. If you are listening straight through the show, in episode 29 with Rich Devinney, I also talked about Simone Biles' story. What I want you to recognize here, first off, is that I'm in no place, shape, or form own bio story. What I want you to recognize here first off is that I'm in no place shape or form trying to be critical of the athlete widely regarded as the greatest gymnast to ever compete. And also recognize that while Katie and Rich's episodes are back-to-back, there's been about a month between when I did the interviews. All that to say I find their understanding and explanation of her situation, as Rich would say quitting but not giving up, to be refreshing. It to be refreshing. It isn't soft and enabling of mental weakness and a lack of grit. It also isn't rigid and uncaring and reckless. In a word, it's wise. An elite competitor knows when to ease up and when to press on. And a skilled coach maybe even more so. For Katie, when faced with fear and anxiety, she found encouragement from her coaches and teammates and the inner strength to take the mound in the face of fear and create the success she'd always dreamed of. For Simone, to take the mound in the face of fear and create the success she'd always dreamed of. For Simone, she withdrew. Neither were wrong. Yet somehow, talking head experts will still find a way to claim otherwise. So you end your career with the Sun Devils as one of the most decorated players ever, national championship title. I gotta feel like for your generation of player, it is so bittersweet because the softball Olympics it is so bittersweet because the softball Olympics was not a dream for a little girl 20 years younger than you. And now it's playing it. You've got the people who model this for you and then it's taken away. Like they pull it back out of the games inexplicably. And so this dream you've worked for is not the option that it once was. Walk me through the mental approach to that the mental approach to that on-again, off-again relationship with Olympic softball? Honestly, it was a tragedy for the sport altogether. It completely changed the face of, I think, I mean, even now, like, we don't have the NPF, which is the National Professional Fast Pitch League, and so it's changed into this newer concept of playing the game, which I don't quite playing the game, which I don't quite understand. Um, the comp, like the competition has changed. And that to me was sad because my whole life was based off of, you know, becoming an Olympian athlete. Now, these little girls that I'm coaching and working towards, they're just looking at it as like, I just want a college degree. So even when I was coaching, I was like, I had to shift. And that was where I got to really pour in to them as far as me, who was just where I got to really pour in to them as far as me who was just like gung-ho Olympics, Olympics, Olympics with no other desire outside of that or cultivating anything else that I could now cultivate in them like, hey, like let's really focus on what you want to be as a human. Like you as your human form as you are, let's make that strong. Softball is just kind of Let's make that strong softball is just kind of an accoutrement. It's the chef's kiss, if you will, of like what you're doing to help gain and get you to where you need to be in college. And then your professional career after you're going to spend a lot of time doing that. So we better get that right. Yes. Right. So with the Olympic dream squashed, you still do have this opportunity. MPF exists. You're the first overall selection. You're the first overall selection. You end up as MVP of the league. And then you earn a shot to make the US national team. Even though there's not Olympic competition, you still win a gold medal in the Japan Cup. What are some words you'd use to characterize that experience? Yes, so I played three seasons. And then I also played professionally in Japan and Italy. I also played professionally in Japan and Italy. So I was very blessed that right out of college, I finished my internship in 2009 and then went to Japan for two years. And then would come back in the summers and play with the NPF. And then the second summer, I played with the NPF for a little bit and then was on the, like made the Olympic, the Olympic, well, the national team is what they call it. The Olympic, well the national team is what they call it. I don't think I've ever really known my worth as an athlete ever. And I've never been the one to be like, you know, tooting my own horn and talking about my accomplishments and things like that. And so even then it was like I acquired all these goals, you know, everything that I'd ever set out to do, I had, I'd accomplished it and it still was never enough. set out to do, I had, I'd accomplished it and it still was never enough. No matter what I did, it was like this mindset of like, you know, you're still worthless. You don't, you know, you're not, you're not good enough. You're not good as you're not as good as you know, or Monica or any of these people, and then I'd have people say that saying those things to me and comparing. And it makes you feel like you're, you are worthless because everything And it makes you feel like you're, you are worthless because everything is valued on how you play and you as an athlete, it's not valued as, you know, you're a good person, you're giving back to the community you're doing, you know, at a fundamental level, you're actually a decent human. And at that time, honestly, I don't. I was always a funny person, but I don't think that I would, because I didn't value myself. I would because I didn't value myself. I don't see myself back then as a quality, like the quality of person that I think that I've become now because I've had the proper training and the people around me and life like learning. So yeah, it was even even playing on the Olympics, like on the national team, it's still I was like, I don't deserve to be here to be here kind of a mindset and you just, that wears you out over time. Right. And I think going back to your previous statement from Lisa Fernandez saying never be satisfied, that's such a double-edged sword because it helps propel you and work and do what you need to do to prepare, but it also sows this seed of discontent that can just eat you alive. to keep you alive. Yes, and so I'm curious once you're playing career kind of wound down. I don't know if it was a sudden end or if it was more of a gradual. What happened to your identity? It was completely eradicated. It was at that point I am this top athlete. You know, getting all this notice and having all these interviews and like and at that point too, I was. Very young with a lot of And at that point too, I was very young with a lot of money in my bank account for that age and never having a job, a nine to five, you know, what it takes to make a dollar. I love my parents, but I still don't quite understand why they did not have me at least to teach me, you know, having a job in high school to understand how hard it is to earn money. They kind of sheltered me. high school to understand how hard it is to earn money. They kind of sheltered me. I'm also an only child, so I was very sheltered. A lot of people I think knew that I was very spoiled too, because now I see it, I'm like, yeah, my parents tried to, they wanted me to have the best, but in the end, it's not always that great because you then have to learn the hard way, as I did once I got done. as I did once I got done. Like I tried to coach and I did that for a while, but that's still that feeling of worthlessness and that I was never, like I just wasn't good enough and I didn't accomplish all these things where the people that I was coaching, they're like, what is wrong with you? Like, I had to have parents like, you know, you are so great with the kids. But it was that one comment or that one parent that derailed everything for me. that one parent that derailed everything for me. And even when I was doing pitch responsibly and I was, my goal was to make the East Coast a another softball Mecca, because I was like, if the West Coast can do it, we can do it on the East Coast, we just have to get creative. And I've always had a passion for Maine. And I had a family up there that would invite me out And I had a family up there that would invite me out to work with them and work with their daughter. And then I was also coaching at Central Connecticut at that time as an assistant. So I'd go up there and I self-sabotaged. It was the reason why that didn't go any further wasn't because of anything other than me getting in my own way and thinking that I wasn't worthy and that I didn't have enough clout and experience to be able to give and provide. And so that was pretty devastating and sad now. So I look at it, I was like, gosh, that was such a good time and I couldn't see it. I just really could not see it. Yeah, so you mentioned you had tracked into a college coaching career briefly. Was that something you felt really pulled forward or was it just trying to medicate the wounds you felt really pulled toward or was it just trying to medicate the wounds from not being in the circle anymore? Medicaid, 100%. It was definitely just to kind of like still feel something like I was somebody and as much as I didn't like that kind of notice, I was addicted to it. I was addicted to having that constant adulation and like praise without I was addicted to having that constant adulation and praise without really recognizing it. It wasn't until that school I was enrolled in a master's program that there was a lot of stuff there too that was not a good situation. I started counseling. That was my first therapy that I had seen someone for. It was a huge wake-up call that I really needed to start looking inside because I was burning up call that I really needed to start looking inside because I was like burning alive inside and it you know it's like my glass house I'm sure everybody could kind of maybe see they say they didn't but I was yeah I was a fast train derailing very quick yeah and I think as a sports medicine professional as you're talking I'm moved by your story but also horrified by your moved by your story, but also horrified by your story, because there were probably red flags, and try as you might to hide them. In this day and age, we've got peak performance coaches, we've got counseling available for athletes, and it's gotten better, but it's not, by no means is it solved. And so along that journey, were there any people who stepped in that gap and they recognized your hurting people who stepped in that gap and they recognized your hurting and they were able to help? Or was it really just you suffering in silence? Suffering in silence. That, so I'll probably get emotional talking about this, but Carl Keel was one of my mentors and somebody that was like a huge confidant for me. And he passed for me and he passed away in 2008, towards the end of the summer. And when he passed away, it changed everything. Once I got out into the pro world and coaching, I had no one. Like I didn't have the support that I did in college. And I say support, not like what they have now, where you have therapists and coaches what they have now where you have therapists and coaches and people there to like not sit there and call you names be for being weak or like you need to suck it up I mean I can't tell you how many times I was told that I needed to be more of a B like you need to be more of this and like stop being a you know this word is like a constant and you're so you're just I'm a very sensitive I'm a very sensitive, empathic person by nature. I had to be somebody completely different when I'm playing and on the field. And that was not ever really nurtured or my creative side. It was like, do as I say, not as I do. And that starts to mess with you over time. Yeah. I think for so many of us, you feel like there's this mask you have to put on, of us, you feel like there's this mask you have to put on, whether it's you put your softball uniform on and you have to be this beast, or you're a sensitive person and you're an artist and you have to behave in a certain way to be kind of resilient and tough. But so many, it's exhausting. It's like you're not only suffering, you're suffering and you're carrying the added load of pretending to be somebody you're not. And it doesn't take a genius to figure out that that expenditure of energy can only be sustained for so long before finally this masquerade crumbles down. So what was rock bottom for you? Oh, well, I got a pretty nasty drinking habit. That was fun. drinking habit, that was fun. Not knowing it, I think the thing that a lot of people don't recognize is that you can be in something and you're doing it, and you don't realize the effects or the massive problems, like, what's happening to you, mentally, physically. It was a medic, for me, it was a way of medicating, numbing myself. me it was a way of medicating, numbing myself. A lot of people do different things. They shop, they you know spend money erratically, whatever your vice is. I see now a lot of times like I'll be talking to former athletes and stuff and they'll be telling me things and I'm like, oh you know have you seen a therapist or talk, no no I don't need it, I don't need that. I don't, I don't need that. I don't, you know, I have no problems. It's like, okay, cool. You know, until you have those, that moment where you're like, this is an issue, like this is a massive problem. You realize you have, there's something, there's something off. And so I had something that came up. I don't want to just for purposes, I'm pretty transparent about it, but it's, I'm still embarrassed by it, but I got in trouble for drinking and I'm sure people can, you know, by it, but I got in trouble for drinking and I'm sure people can, you know, figure out maybe what happened, but that changed me as a person. And that was when I started waking up. That was in 2017. That was my rock bottom year. So when people talk about 2020, I'm like, yeah, no, 2017 was pretty dang bad for me. And I was really lucky, really lucky, but all transpired from that. I was really lucky, really lucky, but all transpired from that, but it started getting me on the path of just figuring things out. And I will say, change is not fast. It is very slow. If this tells you anything, my last drink was July 21st of this last year, and I have been alcohol free. It's taking me this long to really see, like, I need to stop. So I understand, like, people that have issues and they're afraid because they're like, oh, to stop. So I understand like people that are that have issues and they're afraid because they're like oh life's not gonna be fun anymore. You have to get to the point where the pain is so bad that it's enough to change your behavior and get and get the help you need and work through it. And it was just me literally learning to stop self-sabotaging and stop making my own problems making my own problems because that's all it was. Right. I spent a week observing at a rehab center, and the thing that stood out to me the most was that a lot of times, the aspects of addiction, there's a positive side to it and it can make you into a fierce competitor. But it's not that far of a journey from things that serve me well, to things that absolutely destroy me. serve me well to things that absolutely destroy me. And addiction can so easily just pivot overnight and turn into something that's destroying me. And so, you know, first of all, congratulations on your sobriety. That is a small feat. And I know that that didn't just happen overnight. Like you said, healing and recovery is a process. Your relationship with softball is complicated. Your relationship with softball is complicated. It led you to success, but you're not doing it today. How would you describe what softball is for Katie today in 2023? I'm super grateful, super grateful for the experience because I think there was a lot of leadership and strength that it did give me. leadership and strength that it did give me. I just think that there were, I wish, I honestly wish that there was the help that they have now, like being able to bridge those tools together, like more of career coaching and talking about those things, and then also talking about, you know, the mental health aspects. But I think it's, I really deeply feel that aspects but I think it's I really deeply feel that it's not over yet for me with softball but I needed to heal I needed my time away to get my story straight I am as a person and an individual outside of the game so then I can go back in and help these athletes to be better people in as a whole person not just as an be better people as a whole person, not just as an athlete. Yeah, that's so well said. And that's the whole point of this show, this movement, is sometimes we can come apart. We come undone. It's like my wheels are falling off and my world is crumbling around me, and I'm undone. But from that, you mentioned, in 2017, you wouldn't have wished it on your worst enemy. But it led you, it redirected you down a path to recovery, but it led you, it redirected you down a path to recovery and you needed that recalibration. So now you're unfinished, you're undone and that's different. What advice would you give a little girl who is in pursuit of your childhood dreams? You've been on this journey, it didn't necessarily always go according to plan, but you've certainly learned some things along the way. What advice would you impart to that next generation? I would say that as much as you believe that you're invincible, you're not. You need help. You need to be able to learn how to ask for a helping hand and also how to distress your distress tolerance and you're learning how to handle and cope with the emotions of everything. And I think that a lot of parents, they have no clue when their kids are growing up because And I think that a lot of parents, they have no clue when their kids are growing up because they're not, they weren't professional athletes. My parents certainly weren't. They didn't know how to raise me. They didn't know the warning signs of what was going on, even at an early age, the panic attacks, the freak outs. But it was all in the name of like, oh, she's just passionate. Be passionate. passionate, but it's as I wish I could go back and tell my little 10 year old self, like you are worthy. You're more than just a pitcher or a player. You are so much more than that. And I think that that message needs to be so radically like prove to these kids that there's so much more than just what they do. It's their fiber of who they were made their fiber of who they were made and the uniqueness of each individual. And if they can explore that and like expound on that, it's only going to make your sport that much better. Like you're going to be that much better of an athlete if you're well-rounded and you can handle your emotions. It's going to be so much better. Absolutely. So what do your days look like today? Yeah. So I've always been very passionate about jewelry. Yeah, so I've always been very passionate about jewelry and so I started at Shane Company as a sales consultant and but my real main goal was to get into the shop as a bench jeweler and I had to prove it and I think that that's where I can say that I'm grateful for the experience and my athletic background because I was awarded at work the most ambitious. Because I am always a go-getter and education is always going to be very important. And I was like, you know what, I'm going to be 37 this year. And this happened in June of this last year. I knew for me, my relationship with alcohol and like all these things, if I wanted the all these things, if I wanted the next chapter to be epic, I was gonna have to make some big changes. And so it's helped me be clear headed whenever I'm working, I'm learning, I'm retaining, and I'm just only growing as a person, but it's been quite an experience being an apprentice and being back in the passenger seat learning. I'm not a novice, I'm not an experienced, I'm not experienced, so I'm relying heavily on my teachers to teach me. The irony isn't lost on me that a little girl who spent all of her formative years on a diamond is now inside a building working with diamonds. So that's a pretty cool full circle. That is really funny. And that's the best part of my day is actually I am obsessed with mounting stones. with with mounting stones like I just set yesterday at $30,000 diamond. So yeah, that is quite ironic. That's funny. Well, this one you may or may not have a ready answer for. It seems like when I ask this question, people either have it right away or they're like, I don't know, I'm going to have to come back to you, put me on the spot. But I love music and the emotion that it frequently can represent in my life. What song would you pick as the frequently can represent in my life. What song would you pick as the soundtrack of your life and why? Oh man, this is gonna get, this is gonna be funny. So Limp Bizkit Break Stuff. This is my karaoke song. Every time that dumb song comes on, I just, that was what I'd listen to before I'd go out on the mound. Bridget and I actually, my teammate would, I'd go out on the mound. Bridget and I actually, my teammate, we would literally like be in the bus just like singing. So yeah, that is definitely one of, yeah, that's top. That's fantastic. I was a late adopter of Limp Bizkit. I actually watched the documentary they did on the Woodstock on Netflix and started watching that and they talked about how when Limp Bizkit played break and they talked about how when limb biscuit played break stuff. That's when the whole thing really started to go up in flames like literally they were starting to burn the facilities to the ground. So I can certainly see how a competitive athlete would benefit from that kind of killer mentality. Yeah, it's it's. One of the I mean it's it's definitely the song but now it's funny I I listen to a lot of meditation music. I'm into mindfulness and then my I listen to a lot of meditation music. I'm into mindfulness. And then my husband was a professional musician and still does a lot of stuff. And he just created a meditation CD for me. So I'm very lucky. So it's a total shift. Yeah. Definitely a stark contrast between Fred Durst and meditation music. Fantastic. Well, if listeners wanted to connect with you, what's the best way they could get in touch? If listeners wanted to connect with you, what's the best way they could get in touch? Yeah. You can find me on, I have many Instagram streams and in TikTok. My Instagram handle is goochonthebench, which is a play of being on the bench and then also being at a bench working. Then KDB Studio and Revamp Label. studio and revamp label. I do, I basically love to thrift and so I'm trying to put more videos out there of that and then hopefully by the end of this year I will have my jewelry line and things starting to come out. But I'm still in the works so I'm not pressing myself to be anything. I'm allowing it for once to be patient and let it unfold naturally. Well the last question I ask be patient and let it unfold naturally. Well, the last question I ask of all guests, and you alluded to it, but what for Katie remains undone? A book. That's honestly, that is, I want to write a book and I want to help as many people as I can. Whether my story means anything or not to anybody, that if I can help people, story means anything or not to anybody that if I can help people, that to me is a life worth living. I don't like to be super self-serving and sometimes I feel like the jewelry thing is. It's my own selfish love. But I do want to help people and a book, yes, that's the undone part of me. That's awesome. what you've accomplished as an athlete and the redemption arc of your story, it would be selfish to not tell your story. People need to hear your story. And so don't for a moment think that you are not enough or that you are in that your story needs to be told because somewhere out there there's a student-athlete or an aspiring entrepreneur or someone else who is struggling with that same sense entrepreneur or someone else who is struggling with that same sense of self-doubt and hearing your story and seeing what you've accomplished and seeing what you've gone on to do, that's the Lisa Fernandez for them. You get to be that person for somebody else. But by all means, I would love to read your book. So let's make that happen and we'll bring you back on the show when you launch it. That means a lot, seriously. on the show when you launch it. That means a lot, seriously. Well, Katie, I can't thank you enough. I sincerely appreciate your time. This has been powerful, and your story is not yet finished. So, thanks for being on the show, and thanks for being willing to share with us. Thank you so much. This has been a real pleasure. I appreciate it. it. High achiever and now friend Katie Burkhardt-Gooch, success and elite level performance on the diamond didn't exactly set her up for life on easy street as an adult. She's done a tremendous amount of introspection and personal work in order to be in a place today where she can finally talk about her journey, which includes valleys of self-destructive behaviors and lingering doubts sprinkled in with accomplishments, honors, and victories to make her arguably among the best to ever play the game. accomplishments, honors, and victories to make her arguably among the best to ever play the game. While she's the first to admit that there's still work to be done, what I love most about her story and the way she tells it is that she realizes that there is a purpose for that pain. She knows that there are lessons to be shared and she understands that while life may have almost pulled her apart, she's still standing. With a book to write, she has at least a few assignments left undone. right. She has at least a few assignments left undone. We've got some exciting things on the horizon for y'all who've been with me through these first few months. I've learned some things to do, some things not to do, I've got a bunch of ideas for the next few months that I'm looking forward to putting in place. Stay tuned in these coming weeks as I catch up with former Southern Illinois minor manager turned professional musician Mike Pinto, talk sports and sports medicine with former student turned colleague sports medicine with former student turned colleague Dustin Emory and chat about life in academia with my hilarious friend Dr. Julie Partridge. This and more on Becoming Undone. Becoming Undone is a NitroHype Creative Production written and produced by me, Toby Brooks. If you or someone you know has a story of resilience and victory to share for Becoming Undone, please contact me at undonepodcast.com, where you can also sign up for a mailing list to be notified of new episode drops and exclusive Team Undone benefits. team undone benefits. Becoming undone can be heard on Apple podcasts, Spotify, Google podcasts, Stitcher, I heart radio, or wherever you get your podcasts till next time, everybody keep getting better. you