Chad (00:00)
Today we're talking about the difference between a contract and a covenant. And oftentimes this can be the single biggest change or adjustment to create breakthrough in our marriages. Last podcast we talked about should I stay or should I go? This temptation that different couples face to wonder is the grass greener somewhere else? In that podcast we talked about understanding our why. Like why are we in this marriage?

And for Sarah Gail Knight, the reality is that word covenant comes back into play. And so we want to talk about the difference between a contract and a covenant as it relates to our marriage in today's podcast.

Sarah-Gayle (00:40)
And I think we'll be surprised at how often we operate in a contractual way. We're going to go into that in a moment. And some fun examples I want to give is when Chad and I were newly married, we're coming off of that athlete division one mentality. And so we were even competing against each other when we were making our beds. And I think I won most of the time, but you know, he was.

Chad (01:02)
It wasn't a competition because it requires you know, to be a child.

Sarah-Gayle (01:08)
Exactly. So we were a mess, you can imagine. And that competition went a little bit deeper as well, because it started to feel like, hey, am I pulling my weight? And are you pulling your weight If I'm doing this, are you doing that?

So let's dig into what is a contractual relationship?

Chad (01:24)
And so think about a contract starting even in a business sense, right? Contracts are needed to outline who does what. But basically there's an agreement. I'll do A as long as you do B. And we have these in so many different places that we go. Think about it, you go to your local coffee shop.

Order a coffee and I pay for it and I'm expecting you to give me a coffee back if that doesn't happen We're now competing against each other in bigger context right contracts between companies between people if somebody breaks a contract That's when an attorney gets involved. Yeah, it's like hey you didn't hold up your side of the deal Yeah, and so now we are opponents and so I think this idea of what does it look like to have a contract in our marriage? It's when something doesn't go well

Do we start looking at our spouse as the enemy or as an opponent? That is a key sign that we are now in a contractual situation or a contractual arrangement in that season.

Sarah-Gayle (02:22)
when it comes to how this shows up in marriage, oftentimes it can look like tallies, know, keeping track. And I don't know about you, Chad, but in some of my sessions, I have couples bring out their journal and they're like, listen, I've been keeping track of how many times he or she said this, let me tell you, and then they want me to go down that path with them.

Chad (02:41)
of a marriage counselor. When one spouse is pulling out a quote of the other one. It's usually a sign. ⁓

Sarah-Gayle (02:48)
Yeah, when it comes to how this looks in marriage, also it can look like withholding affection or forgiveness. saying, hey, you didn't treat me right, and so I'm not gonna treat you right. I'm withholding that affection. And then also threats of leaving during the conflict. And I don't know if you listening can relate, but oftentimes when couples are in conflict and they're in distress, they're just like, I can't do this anymore, I'm gonna leave.

because this isn't happening, I can no longer exist in this environment. And we're not talking about abuse or anything like that. And we've made many disclaimers about that. But what we are talking about is this idea that if it doesn't go my way, if I don't get what I'm wanting, then there will be some consequences, some repercussions to that.

Chad (03:31)
To me, one of the simplest illustrations that can help you understand has your marriage become contractual is in conflict? Does it feel like a courtroom? Does it feel like you're on opposite sides debating against each other or trying to convince some type of judge or jury who's right and who's wrong? That's a key sign that the marriage has become contractual in that setting.

Sarah-Gayle (03:55)
Yeah, and even talking about that, it makes me feel a bit tight, you know, as far as proving this, proving that, and you did this and you did that. It doesn't feel good. And so we want to shift into, well, what does a covenant relationship look like? And I want to look at some scripture to start in Malachi 2 14. says, she is your companion and your wife by covenant. And then also there's a couple of verses I want to read that speak to the permanence that God has in mind for marriage. And it talks about,

Matthew 19 six what God has brought together let no man separate and in Genesis 2 24 it speaks of two becoming one flesh and then

Chad (04:34)
I was thinking about we have Matthew 19 6 engraved. Oh, And when we first went to get these engraved they did the verse wrong and I went in and I looked at it and I told the engraver I'm like, hey, that's not right and they were like, that's a Bible verse. It's the same thing. You're like Memory and you is a different story in a different podcast all together, but that's I was smirking

Sarah-Gayle (04:38)
We do, I forget about that.

Why do I not remember this story?

my gosh, okay, so I'm glad I found that out 20 almost 21 years later ⁓ And so another scripture that we've mentioned before is in Ephesians 5 just a passage of scripture where it talks about Christ in the church and how marriage is a reflection of that covenant and so we see that when it comes to covenant relationship our marriages are rooted in Christ and it's sacred it's a promise before God it's rooted in faithfulness and not just feelings and

deals more with trusting God's plan and God's design based on commitment and not ease or convenience.

Chad (05:38)
I think one of the biggest things is if I'm treating Sarah Gale based on what she has earned or deserved from my perspective or am I treating Sarah Gale based on how God treats me? And so this is the difference, right? A covenant marriage is I am responding to God's grace, to God's love, to God's forgiveness, to God's provision, and in response to the way he treats me, that.

is how I'm treating Sarah Gale. This is fundamentally different than a transactional or a contractual relationship where I'm like, well, you don't deserve it or you didn't do your part, so I don't need to do my part.

Sarah-Gayle (06:14)
Yeah.

I think of a couple of scriptures when it comes to what you just said and one was do everything as onto the Lord and not as if you were doing it for human masters or for men. And that holds us accountable because it doesn't matter how Chad is showing up or how your spouse shows up is what covenant marriage is saying. It's saying, hey, we treat our spouse as onto the Lord as how the Lord would want us to treat them regardless. And there's a lot of pleasure we can find in that because we're being obedient to God. And sometimes I think we think, well, I

to be a doormat. You know, if they're treating me this way and then I decide to treat them well in spite of how they're treating me, then I feel like a doormat, right? But when we think of covenant relationship and what God has for us, on the contrary, we are not being a doormat when we are choosing obedience to God above our own flesh, above our own desires, and God rewards us for that, whether it's in the peace that we have, whether it's in the restoration that he gives. But then I go to

to James, that verse in James, and we'll put this in the footnotes, but it talks about, long as you know the good you are to do and do not do it, it is sin for you. So all through scripture, we see that God is holding us to a standard that's not dependent upon circumstance. And Chad and I, talk about this a lot as far as personal responsibility. All you can do in your marriage is what you can do and show up consistently as far as what has God called you to do. And then we just trust that our spouse will do what they can

you.

Chad (07:44)
So let's look at a couple practical things that we will face in our marriage and how approaching it from a covenant perspective kind of changes everything. The first one is conflict. Marriages have conflict. We are different people with different personalities, different dreams, different desires, and so conflict or tension is gonna be there. Well, in a contract,

I'm going to highlight, well you didn't do your part. And I am then almost incentivized to highlight all of my wife's shortcomings and failures, both the ones in the present and in the past. Sarah Gale's incentivized to do the same and it's just chaos. Well in a covenant, in conflict, I'm going back to like, well, how does God treat me? And then from that.

Sarah-Gayle (08:27)
Good.

Chad (08:29)
Well, how do I show up? And so now I show up with grace. I show up with mercy. I show up with a desire to bring unity and repair, right? I'm looking for healing instead of for blaming. It fundamentally changes how I'm showing up in conflict. Now imagine if Sarah Gale showing up that same way. Now there's conflict. We're working together to close that gap and to maintain in unity. Totally different than showing up while you and you and you and.

Sarah-Gayle (08:58)
So it's an entirely different schema or framework that we're working with or lens. However you want to say it, when it comes to covenant marriage, we see things different, even when it comes to roles and who's doing what and what our expectations are. It's all starting with, okay, what has God laid out in his word? What is his example? And am I honoring God and how I'm honoring my spouse? And one thing I just want to touch on is this doesn't really work with willpower. know, when we think about covenant relationships,

and how the root, the focus is.

God is recognizing that he is the source, he is our why, then we can also recognize that something that is supernatural in nature when it comes to God and what he has designed for marriage requires a supernatural power, which is Holy Spirit working in us. The Bible talks about the same spirit that raised Christ from the dead resides in us. And so we are able to live this covenant relationship out as we are depending and relying on the power of God. He gives us the help that we need to do this.

So that's the exciting part and he has good plans for us to experience.

Last thing I want to say is that covenant relationship is meant to be in our day to day, Like I said before, it is a framework. It is a new way that we live. It is how we exist, how we move and have our being.

Chad (10:16)
A practical outcome that a lot of couples share from moving into more of a covenant interaction is stability or resilience or emotional safety. A big challenge that couples can face is in conflict. If one or both people is threatening the end of a relationship, right? The contract's been broken, you didn't do your job. Well, that...

undermines the entire context of the relationship. Now what God has invited us to is that covenant dynamic. It builds emotional stability and security so we can have conflict and neither one of us needs to be worried about the other person ending the relationship. So now I can be transparent. If something was hurtful or disrespectful or upsetting, I can share it and now we can work together

Sarah-Gayle (10:56)
So.

Chad (11:08)
to bring wholeness as opposed to man, well if I share something, are they gonna threaten ending the relationship? And so it can seem like a small adjustment, but it's massive in how we show up during some of these moments. And so now we want to talk about some action steps. Where are you and what are baby steps of growth and application that you can apply right where you are?

Sarah-Gayle (11:32)
So the first one we want you to think about is where have you been operating out of a contract, contractual relationship rather than a covenant relationship? And then the second thing I want you to think about is sharing this with your spouse, sharing it with people you think it would be impactful for because having this conversation is significant. A lot of times we hear these words like, it's a covenant relationship. We have no idea what that means. And when we don't know what it means, we don't look into it. Then we miss applying it. And when we apply,

this teaching and recognize there's more. God has a greater design for us. Then we can experience that freedom and we can experience God's best.

we're so excited for the freedom that will come from this awareness and God's plan is good. Let's trust it and we are cheering you on.