The Power of Repair After a Fight

Episode Summary

Every marriage experiences conflict. The real question is not if you will have disagreements with your spouse. The real question is how you come back together afterward. In this episode, Chad and Sarah-Gayle talk about what happens after a fight and how couples can repair the disconnect that conflict creates.

Drawing from their own marriage story, they share the unhealthy cycle many couples fall into. Criticism leads to defensiveness, which leads to emotional distance, and eventually couples act like the conflict never happened. This pattern can repeat for years when couples do not have a clear strategy for repair.

In this conversation, they introduce a practical five step repair roadmap that helps couples close the gap and reconnect more quickly after tension or disagreement.

1. Proactive Initiative
   One person chooses to take the first step to close the gap instead of allowing distance and assumptions to grow.
2. Humble Ownership
   Taking responsibility for your part in the conflict using “I” statements instead of blame or accusation.
3. Reassurance
   Reminding your spouse that you are still on the same team and committed to the relationship even while working through the issue.
4. A Meaningful Apology
   Expressing genuine remorse while also sharing what you will do differently moving forward.
5. Forgiveness
   Choosing grace and extending forgiveness as Christ modeled for us.

Chad and Sarah-Gayle also discuss the importance of calming yourself before difficult conversations, why pride can damage a marriage, and how healthy couples remain respectful even when they disagree.

If you have ever wondered how to reconnect after tension or conflict, this episode offers a simple and practical framework to help couples repair faster, strengthen trust, and move forward together.

Your marriage is worth the work and repair is a skill that can be learned.

Hope Relentless

Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00)
in today's podcast, we are gonna talk about what to do after a fight. The basic question, how do we come back together? When working with couples, one of my favorite things to say is it's not if you fight, it's when. And so obviously there are different ways that we can fight. There's healthier ways, there's in extreme, really unhealthy ways that we can fight. I'm just using that word in terms of there's a gap. There's a disconnect between you and your spouse. Now what? How do you come back?

And so that's what we want to talk about today in this podcast.

Speaker 2 (00:33)
Yeah, so I want to tell you our pattern. I'm telling you, we do what we do because we know how it feels to just kind of hit a wall again and again. And we love helping couples to experience something different because this is what we have been blessed to experience ourselves. And it's night and day and it's so refreshing. And I believe, you know, marriage is not meant to be a chain and ball and something you endure. It's something where it's like, okay, yeah, let's learn what we need to learn. Let's do the healing that we need to do and let's have the marriage that God has called us to

And so ⁓ this is why we do what we do. That's side note there. back to our pattern, what used to happen. I would be critical, and I don't like to use that word still to this day because I called it sharing my feelings and I just wanted him to know how I felt, but it came off as criticism, as blame, what he didn't do, and then what would you do when I was critical.

Speaker 1 (01:27)
I'd be defensive. I'd have explanations or excuses or justification or I'd feel misunderstood. I'd feel underappreciated, but I was defensive.

Speaker 2 (01:37)
Yes, oh gosh, even talking through it, I'm like, ah, it's such a, it's such a bad emotional memory there. And then we would just.

separate we'd go different ways because he was being defensive as I was being critical. I didn't feel heard. I was just like, he doesn't even care. And so then we make our judgments, about the person. And the sad thing that I tell couples is, you know, we really want to connect. The only reason I would have been critical or brought something up was because I wanted to connect with my husband. But how I was doing it created a wedge. And then sure, he wants to connect with me. He wants to

Give me the world, right men? Like you wanna give your wife everything and you just wanna be the man that you know God has called you to be, but also the man that she wants you to be as well. so.

we would miss each other completely, even though the heart posture was, yeah, we want the best for each other, we want to be in relationship, but then we would be separate because I did not feel seen, I did not feel heard. And sometimes some days would go by where we're just like existing, we have kids and so we had to figure out different things, but we're just kind of chit chatting the surface talk,

Speaker 1 (02:45)
Yeah, so a or two would go by where we're disconnected and then something would cause us to come back together and we'd kind of start over. But big picture, we'd almost act like the fight or the disconnect never happened. We weren't coming back together because we'd actually resolved whatever is the first hurt. And part of it was the pattern. The pattern was creating this disconnect between the two of us and we didn't know how to fix the pattern. And so then we didn't know how to create effective, long lasting repair.

the cycle criticism meets defensiveness meets disconnect meets act like it didn't happen and wait until it happens again criticism meets defensiveness disconnect a couple days wait until it acts like it didn't happen and it just was this perpetual cycle for you know for years that this was how we managed but

There's a better way. thankfully we've experienced a better way and we have coached couples through experiencing a better way. And so that's part of what we want to share with you today.

Speaker 2 (03:46)
And when we talk about repair, which is coming back together, the goal is not to think that we should never have an argument or disagreement, right? That's not realistic. And I would actually wonder, are you talking about real things if you don't have a difference of opinion and disagreement? Because you're different people. So that's not the goal. The goal is when you do have some tense moments and you kind of rub the wrong way, can you then come back together quicker and not have a day go by, two days go by?

Let's celebrate. Let's say it only took you one day and before it's taking you a week when you get in arguments to come back together It's like we're gonna celebrate that and say yep. You're closing the gap Ideally, it doesn't even take days at all. Ideally. It's like you have disagreements like okay Yeah, that didn't go maybe how I planned or how I wanted but we're still on the same team and we're still good You know, we can go on a hot date still even though there was a little bit of tension and part of that comes from how we are talking to each other because if we're not like

throwing F bombs and doing all these things, then it's going to be easier to come back together, because I won't have these negative words I'm carrying in my heart or these actions that were done that I'm like, whoa, I don't know if I can even look at you anymore, right? So we're not doing all of that. we want to take you through five areas of what...

has been helpful for us that we would call five areas of repair. And obviously they're not all encompassing, but they are super important and they have helped a lot of couples come back together and close that gap. And the first one is a proactive attempt to close the gap. that is just one of us, hopefully both of us, because we take personal responsibility that, it's going to be me. If it's going to be anyone, it's going to be me to close the gap. go towards your spouse and...

I think of that verse, the scripture in the Bible that says, don't give the devil a foothold. when we're closing the gap, we're saying, no, I'm not going to leave a separation between us because when that separation exists, now I'm thinking about random narratives, I'm assuming, I'm making all of these assertions as to, okay, this is what he thinks. And it just builds up. I'm sure you listening know what I'm talking about. instead of waiting and having this gap between us, I'm going to take initiative.

and I'm gonna go towards and start the conversation and close the gap.

Speaker 1 (05:58)
And I think the idea of this ⁓ repair roadmap that we're sharing with you and Sergei shared step one of a proactive step, right? Somebody's got to initiate is for us, we didn't have a roadmap. So we didn't have any skills. And so sometimes we would repair, but I look back and it was like, we just got lucky as opposed to having a proven.

that we could go down that consistently helped us repair. A quick story about a couple I was working with. When they showed up on their consultation, it was the first time they had talked in three and a half weeks. And they had little kids. They had three little kids in the house. Maybe not appropriate, but I told them I was kind of impressed. Like that's hard to do, right? Three and a half weeks of no talking while parenting.

But for them, the reason was they had no repair strategy. They were both hurt, they were both frustrated, but nobody would take the first step. their relationship was needing somebody to initiate. And so no matter what's going on, we both want to take ownership that we will take that first step and be proactive, go back towards our spouse. Now, whatever we say plays a key role of are we coming back together or are we driving a bigger gap? And so step two,

is humble ownership. So humble ownership is my ability to find an I statement and speak with accountability. And so if I come in and I am blaming Sarah Gale, well you did this, well you did that, we're just right back in the argument pattern. We're back creating a divide and a disconnect and a gap between us. But what I love this idea that humility is often met with humility. if I approach Sarah Gale taking humble ownership,

Hey babe, I'm sorry for the way I reacted, or I'm sorry for my tone, or I'm sorry for the words that I spoke. The more specific, the better. A very generic, I'm sorry you felt that way. That's probably not gonna close the gap the way that you may hope. But if I can take ownership, that's such a powerful step. And then step three, and I'll see what you wanna kinda add here, babe, is reassurance.

And so within this kind of partnership of humble ownership and reassurance, studies show that healthy relationships in conflict have reassurance. They have appreciation. They have moments of respect. an example of reassurance can either be reassuring the relationship on a whole or the topic. Let's say for example, Sarah, Gail and I got in an argument over the budget,

When I come back, I can take ownership and say, hey, I'm sorry for my tone, and I'm committed to working through this together. I know this is a hard topic, but I know we can figure it out. That's an example of reassurance that's putting us back on the same team. One of the things that disrupts the stability of a relationship is in conflict, threatening to end.

When couples are threatening divorce, threatening separation, threatening, can't do this anymore, it just disrupts any level of security and stability. And we just want to eliminate that. And classic disclaimer, I'm not talking about excessive abuse and domestic violence and that type of stuff. I'm talking about typical conversations that couples have where there's a different perspective, there's some tension and there's some frustration.

Anytime we can replace separating with reassurance, it's so powerful to come back together.

Speaker 2 (09:29)
I think you can you can imagine as you're you're probably thinking through. Okay, what does this look like in your own marriage? It does require some regulation in the sense of just physiologically self-soothing because we can't go into these conversations feeling like we're you know, Our heart rate is is off like off the charts and all of that because it's going to be very difficult in that state of mind that state Biologically to have these conversations. So that's something to be mindful of and to take the breaths do the work

to go on a walk and calm yourself down before you have these conversations. But then also don't be afraid to call a timeout and if you're in midst of the conversation to separate a little bit and to regain composure and then come back because we want to make sure that we are treating each other well with respect. Like Chad said, healthy couples even in conflict they are respectful. They are using eye statements, they're making eye contact, their body language is inviting. All of that that's what our aim is. One of the other things

I wanted to mention is God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble I think of humble ownership after Conversations it's hard to do but it's dying to ourself Dying to the pride the pride will destroy Your marriage it will destroy it. But at the end of the day, guess what you could be right, but then you lose the relationship

And we've talked about before communication is about connection. Chad went over the first three when it comes to repair. I'll also add number four, which is the apology. And the apology is more than just, I'm sorry, like Chad said, I think the apologies are most impactful when there's a measure of repentance. And what I mean by that is a turning from what was done and saying, Hey,

I know I did this, that's the ownership. What I'm gonna do instead, next time, is I'm gonna do this. it's ensuring your partner, where it's like, recognize, yeah, this is what I did, but I'm gonna do something different. So we don't keep going on this pattern of the same negative behaviors. repentance is important. And I would even say, sometimes thinking for yourself, do I have remorse? Because when we don't have remorse for what we've done,

A lot of times we're not as urgent and as ⁓ expedient to do something different because we're not understanding the gravity of what has occurred. And so that remorse, I think, is a humbling thing to recognize, wow, my heart breaks for what I've done, but also for how it has impacted you, whether it was my intention or not. And so let me try to bridge that gap and let me offer that apology in response.

Speaker 1 (12:01)
I think to help drive this home as you're listening earlier I talked about Like that I statement and that reassurance So if I go back to that example of Sarah Gail and I got in a fight around Finances and now I'm initiating coming back There's that. Hey. Hey, babe. I'm so I'm going towards her and with humble ownership I'm sorry for the way that I talked with you earlier. My tone was rude and harsh ⁓ I know this is a difficult topic for

But I'm committed to figuring out together. There's the reassurance now. I'm getting into the apology I want to think through remorse and I want to think through repentance and so could say I recognize that my tone Shuts you down and I'm sorry for that I'm committed to taking ownership of my tone and working to create a safe space where both of our voices are heard and feel valued

The depth of this apology is way different than, I'm sorry you felt that way. Because I'm like, yeah, it's your problem. just don't feel that way. And so then that moves into the last thing and it's forgiveness. Scripture's clear.

Jesus set the standard of forgiveness. Even the disciples are asking, hey, how many times? Seven, right? And Jesus is like, hey, 70 times seven, right? Basically, as many as it takes. And the reality in marriage, this can be hard. ⁓ And I think biblically, when I'm working with couples and we're talking about forgiveness, I ask them a couple questions. One of them is, do you believe forgiveness is earned or do you believe forgiveness is given?

Now I would say from a biblical standpoint, forgiveness is given. Thankfully, Christ gave us forgiveness, not because we earned it, but because of His grace and His mercy. And we wanna follow that example. Now that can be my standard, and I can recognize there are times where I have defaulted to, Sergal has to earn forgiveness. Now that isn't the biblical standard.

But what I like to share is kind of this dance that husbands and wives can do to support each other.

because if I do those first four steps in this example, I have supported Sarah Gale in forgiving me for my tone and my attitude, she feels seen, I'm committed to a different plan moving forward, I'm acknowledging the pain that I caused her based on my actions. while forgiveness is given, let's also not make it as hard as possible. Let's not add obstacles, add pain, and then just tell our spouse, well, you should

forgive me, Like we want to each take ownership of our own part in a way that we process this.

Speaker 2 (14:37)
those are the five steps that can really help when it comes to repair and coming back together quickly because you're on the same team. You guys are better together. we want to get back together quickly. And we recognize we're going to have these highs and lows. It's just a part of being married to someone who's completely different from you. I want to encourage you to just have the discussions with each other and just think on your own, which of those five steps is the most meaningful for you? what step could your

spouse do that just would mean so much for you. I know the reassurance part is the most meaningful for me and even when you were going through that example of finances and then you went through and then I would say this I we're not even struggling with finance right now in that conversation but I was just like my gosh okay like it's just it's so healing and so think about which step is what is most meaningful for you what's that

Speaker 1 (15:30)
I think historically probably like from you to me would be proactive and humble ownership. I would say it's the most meaningful for me.

Speaker 2 (15:40)
Yeah, and sometimes it's funny because the step that's most meaningful for your spouse is the one that's most difficult for you to do. And so that's the next thing to think about, which of these steps probably is the most difficult for you to do. And I think for me, the humble ownership, because I don't know that I did anything. wasn't my intention, so don't typically think of that.

right away, so that's one where I can grow in. So think about that. Which one is most meaningful for you and also which step can you grow in that will impact your marriage?

Speaker 1 (16:10)
And so as we close today's podcast, just want to encourage you. This is a process of growth. You're not gonna get this right right away. But keep practicing, keep discussing. If you're looking for help, this is what we do with couples. We help them learn how to repair, communicate and connect effectively. You are worth it and your marriage is worth it.

Speaker 2 (16:29)
All right, cheering you on.