Your Marriage Is Getting the Leftovers

If somebody followed you around for a week or looked at your bank balance, would they think your marriage is a priority? Chad and Sarah-Gayle tackle the mindset that changes everything: "I prioritize my marriage."

As marriage coaches, we work with high-capacity couples who are thriving in business, ministry, and leadership but feel disconnected at home. The common thread? Their calendar, energy, and resources reflect every priority except their marriage. In this episode, we share real stories from our coaching sessions and walk through what it looks like to move your marriage off the back burner, rooted in God's design for covenant relationship and grounded in Ephesians 5:31.

We unpack the three areas that quietly compete against your marriage: work, family and in-laws, and kids. From the CFO who equated career success with God's blessing while neglecting his wife, to the young couple whose in-law expectations nearly tore them apart, to the parents running on empty as unpaid Uber drivers for their kids' schedules. We get into boundaries, unity, managing your energy, and why your covenant relationship has to come before the chaos of a packed calendar. We close with two action items: reflect on what prioritizing your marriage looks like in your current season, and build a daily and weekly rhythm of connection with your spouse.

Your spouse is your teammate, your confidant, and your biggest asset. If this episode spoke to you, follow Somewhere Anywhere so you never miss a new episode, and leave us a review to help other couples find these conversations.

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Transcript

speaker-1 (00:00)
If somebody followed you around for a week or looked at your bank balance, would they think that you prioritize your marriage? Today, we're looking at the mindset, I prioritize my marriage. When working with couples, there are so many things that compete for our time and for our resources and for our energy. one of the biggest areas of growth is simply a realignment where their marriage gets prioritized, where it gets taken off of the back burner.

and put back as a priority in the forefront. Now this may not always represent just blocks of time, right? Although we should see those in different spots. But there's a level of an intentionality that we get when we prioritize our marriage.

speaker-0 (00:41)
Right. And we see it when it comes to our professions, whether you are a leader in industry, ministry, in your community.

whatever we're great at, we prioritize. It's intentional. And we understand the work that it takes, the consistency that it takes. But a lot of times it's interesting because when it comes to our marriages, it's like we approach it differently. it's almost like we just expect our marriage to be great with minimal effort sometimes. And we kind of give it the leftovers. So we want to talk about that because that's a common thing that we see when we're working with couples. And it really does impact the intimacy and the connection in the relationship.

So we're gonna dig into that today.

speaker-1 (01:20)
one of our favorite couples to work with is couples that lead businesses, that are in ministry, that are high capacity people that within the marketplace or within their profession are crushing it. They're thriving. Yet they come to us and they're like, why am I thriving here but struggling at home? And a lot of times it comes down to this mindset. We ask them, hey, show us in what ways are you prioritizing your marriage? And oftentimes they go quiet.

One of my favorite questions is to ask like, hey, share with me your daily or weekly rhythm of connection. And sometimes they just look at each other like daily, weekly. I was working with a couple and here we are in March and I asked them, when was your last date? And they said November. Right? And so it's like, well, so here's some opportunities, some low hanging fruit that when we begin to prioritize our marriage, we'll see growth.

speaker-0 (02:11)
as followers of Christ we have a blueprint. The word walks us through what this relationship looks like and it is counterculture. It is different than what we see in relationships that perhaps don't follow Christ. our marriage, represents the relationship of Christ and his church.

it's a big deal, it's a priority,

And also marriage is deeply spiritual. It's sacred.

speaker-1 (02:34)
I don't even actually remember where this illustration came from, but I heard it like decades ago. And it was this idea around marriage that when a husband and a wife get married, it's like two pieces of paper that get glued together. And so these two pieces of paper become one, right? And this idea of separating two glued pieces of paper, it's impossible. Right? So there's this element within our marriage of trusting God's plan.

and then seeking him through it. Now we're gonna give a couple ideas and we're gonna talk about a couple of the biggest obstacles that we face and that couples that we work with face that are competing against the marriage. But I wanna encourage you that these are ideas, right? We're starting with the principles that God has created marriage. He has taken two and made them one. But then what this looks like in your individual marriage, I always like to encourage couples, don't fall into the comparison trap.

The comparison creates unnecessary tension and judgment and frustration. Focus on what works for you as a couple. Some couples do date nights differently and it works for them. Some couples, whatever that rhythm is, the goal here is for your calendar, your resources, your finances to reflect that your marriage is a priority and that you and your spouse are operating as one.

speaker-0 (03:57)
So we're going to go into a couple of areas that many of us are challenged by. And I want to start with reading this verse in Ephesians. It's Ephesians 5 31. And it says, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife. And the two shall become one flesh. And this goes back to that illustration you just talked about as far as the two pieces of paper, what God has brought together, let no man separate. And really it just doesn't separate. one of the analogies I saw recently was two rivers, you you start off with two

rivers and you're independent and you're different. But then when you get married and you hold fast, you cleave, then the two become one, one flesh. And so that river ends up being one body. And if we try to separate that body at that point back into the two rivers, it's impossible this is how our marriage is.

are to reflect what God has designed them to reflect. And it's really powerful we recognize that we move through life together because we are that one body. And so there are three areas we want to talk about that do hinder this in many couples.

I was working with a couple and they were highly successful and the man was a go-getter. He was very high up in his organization. I believe he was a CFO and he was, doing everything well And so he was very well compensated The wife was able to stay at home. They had

a great piece of land and they had some kids. So they seem to be doing well, but the reason they reached out was because they never saw each other. they were feeling a lack of connection. And I think you listening, perhaps you can identify with this I've even known some couples who live in separate places to work.

for a season or they have different jobs that take them away from the home for the whole week, week off, week on. And there's a lot of disconnection And like what Chad says, if it's not broke, we don't need to fix it. But for many couples, this is broken and their connection and the way that they interact is not there. They don't have dates because they don't have the time. one of the things with this couple is,

he was a Christian man, he was thinking that God was blessing them because of his work. And I challenged him to think about is, is God's standard of success the same as the world's standard of success? that's something for us to think about when we're striving and we're trying to accomplish and we're trying to achieve, are the standards the same?

speaker-1 (06:21)
if you're feeling disconnected Right, then this is where the I prioritize my marriage is such a powerful mindset to look through because if you're feeling disconnected

and there's no prioritization of your relationship, but there's a prioritization of work, there's a prioritization of hobbies, there's a prioritization of kids, then it's figuring out how do we make some adjustments. so Sarah Gale's talking about this dynamic of work. Another common one is family or in-laws. I was working with a young couple and they were struggling. They were...

trying to decide if they felt like they were even a good fit. They were in the first couple years of their marriage. And when they started sharing what was going on, almost every single source of tension was an outside source from in-law expectation. And so a big part of our work with them was helping them build unity together and then boundaries around that. Now there's kind of a couple different dynamics here the more we can love our family and

create clear boundaries, they'll adjust to that. And sometimes we have to, as a team, be the thermostat. We need to set the temperature of the expectations of what's okay, what's not okay. A lot of couples love it when family comes, and they put like a limit, like hey, three days, four days, like you are welcome to come, it's a four day limit, right? Because after that, families start to step on each other's toes. And for this young couple, a big thing for them was clarifying what did they share with their respective family.

they had created some of the problems themselves. They had kind of complained or criticized or belittled their spouse to their family. And then they go back home and now their family's like upset on their behalf. And so one of those things, they learned the importance of resolution, but they also learned the importance of being intentional on what to share. And you don't go back to your family of origin for safety to blame and criticize your spouse.

two pieces of paper trying to rip that apart. It's just not gonna work in that capacity. they had to start prioritizing their unity and their relationship. And over time, they found that those boundaries weren't appreciated or wanted in the beginning by their family, but when they held fast to them, the family adjusted. And then they were still able to enjoy family, but without so much of the drama and pressure and tension that they were experiencing before.

speaker-0 (08:38)
this is a big one and I've helped couples walk through this because it's hard. It's sensitive, especially when you're used to interacting in one way and then you get married and things start to change And I think first of all, that's okay. We're transitioning, we're adjusting. So don't be so hard on yourself.

one of the things that I share with couples, kind of like what Chad was saying, as far as you have that boundary and typically they do, you know, kind of fall in line and they respect that, but sometimes they don't. the reality with that is, Hey, you gave it a chance. You created a boundary and it becomes not about you blocking people out. It more becomes about, they willing to meet you where your boundary is? And so if they don't, in a sense, that's them choosing, Hey, I'm not willing to. And so it's not like, ⁓

we broke the relationship off. No, they not to continue the relationship because they weren't willing to adhere to what your boundaries were. And that's hard to go through, but that's the reality because not everyone's gonna fall in line. This is hard to do for many families. And I think it just requires grace. It requires grace for the older generation to recognize, these young ones, the Bible talks about in Ephesians, man, take your wife.

and start your family. It doesn't mean we disrespect or dishonor our elders, because that's a commandment, right? Honor your mother and father. So we still want to give that honor where honors do, but we are a new entity in the sense of the two become one. if you are older, it is such a blessing if you can release your younger kids and just be encouraging to them in that way,

And if you're younger, it's recognizing, hey, let's have grace because we're changing the dynamic, you know, what our parents would have been used to. I think about our son. One of our sons is almost 18. And if he's going on dad's track, he's gonna be married in three years. He's gonna be married in three years. And I'm already preparing myself because...

I am not going to meddle in their relationship. will encourage them, but I'm already recognizing that relationship has to change.

speaker-1 (10:42)
And so the third area that many of us as couples struggle with when it comes to prioritizing our marriage is kids. And one of the most common things that we struggled with was our kids' And today, so many of the couples and families that we work with are all over the place because of their kiddo schedules. As their kids pick up dance or music or sports or clubs or high school activities, ⁓ there's the, a lot of parents talk about feeling like an unpaid Uber driver. And so there's an element of

as a team finding what does it look like to support our kids and their interests and what does it look like in the midst of that to prioritize our marriage. One of the big things that I talk to couples about under this idea of prioritizing marriage and kids and schedules is I tell them, if you've blocked out the space on your calendar and you get there and you're too exhausted to enjoy it, one, can we just try and push through?

because sometimes when we push through, we'll find a new momentum when we eliminate the excuse and then they can connect. But the second thing is we also need to manage our energy. And so if part of our involvement between work and kids means we get to the end of the day and we have nothing left for each other, we need to take that serious. And we need to potentially look at what can we adjust or pivot so that when we get to this time together, we can both be present. Because long term,

We work with a lot of couples that are in that early phase of empty nesting and they've got an uphill battle because for five, 10, 15, 20 years, their relationship has revolved around the kids. And now the kids are adults. They're building their own relationships, their own marriages, their own careers. And now you have mom and dad, husband and wife side by side being like, huh, what are we going to do? What are we going to talk about? And that is...

Result of not prioritizing the marriage and maybe you're looking back and like man I wish I would have heard this five ten twenty years ago. Yeah me too But you're hearing it now. Yeah, and so now is the next best time to begin making some prioritizations and making some adjustments within this What did you want to share? Because I know you talk with with your couples about kids as well

speaker-0 (12:57)
Yeah, so I think...

the perspective as far as what kind of home are you creating? Is it a child-centered home or is the marriage still the priority? I like to say it kind of like the originals. Are we the main event? Because we're the ones who are gonna be with each other as the kids grow up and hopefully, find a life, find a partner and leave, right? It's still gonna be us. And so it's significant for us to really prioritize doing that even against, I would say, and this could be controversial, but this is what I'm gonna say because this worked

for me, even against instinct. Because when we had our first little boy, I just wanted to pour everything out into that little boy, and I knew it. And so what I did was I created this group of other moms in a similar season, and I wanted to really,

honor God and I wanted to steward this blessing of a life that he gave me but not at the cost of the other blessing of my covenant relationship. This goes back when we were talking about the couple I worked with concerning work and how he was thinking, well, I'm successful so God is blessing that but then it was almost like neglecting his covenant relationship. I don't believe God contradicts himself, my covenant relationship is my covenant relationship. It lasts this entire time.

that we are on this earth. the kids are not the covenant relationship. The kids, we train them up so they can go, so they can leave. for me, this group was very important because we had to encourage one another to first of all, focus on God. We talked about Matthew 6.33, seek first his kingdom and all else will be added. Because I don't know about you guys, but as a mama, it's tiring, It's exhausting. There's a lot, especially in those early ages.

It's just pouring out. I don't remember ever sitting down for the first probably seven years of each kid's life we need the energy of the Lord that comes from the word. And that's kind of a different dynamic there where even then a lot of times we get very busy and we're not in the word because we're tired. But the word is what we need to.

prioritized everything else that matters because if we don't have the word of God, we don't have perspective, we don't have wisdom, we don't have direction. it was Matthew 6 33 seek first his kingdom and all else will be added. And then it was love our husbands, right? It was respect our husbands, love our husbands because we knew as moms, the tendency would be to put all the attention in our little ones. And yeah, they need attention because we need to keep them alive, they're so needy.

But at the same time, I didn't want to create an atmosphere where it was very clear that you came second. And so I would do intentional things. Like I would try and serve him his food first. Like, no, the kids can wait. They can wait. Like I'm going to serve my husband his food first. And then, like I said, we would be, as moms, encouraging each other as far as like,

Let's watch each other's kids so you guys can go out on a date because that's important to continue growing the marriage in the midst of the full lives and the wonderful blessing of our kids.

speaker-1 (15:52)
I love that. I love even just that last thing of like the community that for us came out of the local church. Yeah. Which for us is actually where we got a lot of free babysitters. Yeah. When we were young, that was crucial. That kind of unlocked our ability to go on dates and have quality time.

Because in that season it would have been hard for us to financially afford a meal and a babysitter that's another dynamic just kind of a shout out to the value of local churches of building community in similar seasons But I want to close this podcast with a couple action items and the first one is simply reflect on this idea of I Prioritize my marriage. What does that look like for you in this season? What adjustments or tweaks and I encourage you as a believer invite God into that

Ask him to open your eyes or soften your heart or potentially reveal, there things that you are elevating at a higher priority that might make sense to restructure a little bit? And then the second thing is find daily and weekly time to connect with your spouse. If we don't have a regular rhythm, then the busyness of life will fill up our calendar, will fill up our energy, will fill up our resources.

And so finding something around the daily and weekly rhythm that is just dedicated to time for you and your spouse.

speaker-0 (17:10)
I'm excited for you to put those things in place. And remember your spouse is your teammate, your biggest asset, your confidant, and we are better together. And this relationship, however our marriage is, it pours out into every other relationship. And really the places, the areas where we're succeeding, where we're successful, if we can be connecting with our spouse it's going to make all the things that are going well, all the sweeter.

we're excited for you guys and cheering you on.