How to Spiritually Connect

Episode Summary

You're both Christians. You both love God. But when it comes to actually connecting in faith together, something goes quiet. You pray separately, read separately, and call it good—but the gap you feel is real.

It usually doesn't start with conflict. It starts with assumption. One spouse expects prayer every morning; the other thinks sharing a pew on Sunday is plenty. Both are sincere. Neither has said a word. That silence is where spiritual disconnection grows.

In this episode, Chad and Sarah-Gayle walk couples through what spiritual connection actually looks like, the three pitfalls that erode it fast, and how to start building it—no matter where you're starting from.

Start with your individual faith. Spiritual connection between two people requires two people who are actually growing. When both spouses are drawing closer to God on their own—spending time in the Word, in prayer—connecting together becomes natural. God is already at the center. Show up with nothing, and there's nothing to share.

Clarify your expectations. Couples rarely fight about spiritual connection directly. They fight about disappointment. Sarah-Gayle was quietly keeping track every time Chad didn't initiate prayer—never saying a word, just building resentment. The fix isn't a new habit. It's an honest conversation: what does spiritual connection actually mean to you, right now, in this season?

Three pitfalls that kill spiritual connection. The first is weaponizing scripture—using the Bible to criticize, minimize, or blame your spouse. Jesus addressed this directly: deal with the plank in your own eye before the speck in your neighbor's (Matthew 7). The moment scripture becomes a weapon, safety disappears. Second is keeping score. Tracking who initiated, who showed up, who fell short turns marriage into a debt relationship. Third is pressure and judgment. When one spouse is on fire for God and the other isn't, criticism pushes them further away. Open invitations pull them closer.

What healthy spiritual connection produces. Couples who are spiritually connected grow in knowing God together. That depth spills over into emotional intimacy. It also becomes visible—there's something different about them that people notice without being able to name it. A fragrance. An invitation. That's exactly what you were made for.

Building it takes intentionality, grace, and margin. The seasons where Chad and Sarah-Gayle are most connected, they planned it. And when they read the same passage and walked away with different takeaways, grace made room for curiosity instead of criticism. Scripture is living and active—what God is doing in your spouse right now may look different than what he's doing in you. That's not a problem. That's the point. Start small. You don't need a 10 out of 10. A 2 or 3 is worth building on.

Pick one harmful pattern from this episode to stop this week. Then choose a time—morning or evening—and start praying together. God designed your marriage for this, and he's cheering you on.

Full blog post article:

https://www.hoperelentless.com/how-to-spiritually-connect

Episode Themes

• Spiritual disconnection despite shared faith
• Individual relationship with God as the foundation for shared connection
• Mismatched expectations around spiritual intimacy
• Weaponizing scripture against a spouse
• Keeping score in spiritual matters
• Pressuring or judging a spiritually disengaged spouse
• Spiritual connection as a light and witness in the community
• Matthew 7 (plank and speck)
• Intentionality, grace, and margin as the framework for sustainable spiritual rhythms

Reflection Questions

Start with these on your own. Then bring them to a conversation with your spouse.

For Personal Reflection:

1. How consistent is my individual time with God right now—and what am I actually bringing into our marriage from that?
2. What does God's Word say about how I'm treating my spouse in areas where they're not where I want them to be spiritually?
3. Have I been weaponizing scripture, keeping score, or pressuring my spouse? Which one?
4. On a scale of 0–10, where is our spiritual connection right now—and what would a 2-point increase actually look like?

For Conversation with Your Spouse:

1. What does spiritual connection mean to each of us right now—are our expectations the same?
2. When have we felt most spiritually connected, and what made that possible?
3. What's one small step we can commit to this week—a time to pray together, something to read together?
4. What do we want our spiritual connection to look like a year from now? 

Transcript

Sarah-Gayle (00:00)
Today we're going to be talking about faith that brings you closer rather than further apart. In many of our sessions with our Christian couples, there's this desire for spiritual connection. You know, our faith is important to us, and we recognize that there might be a bit of a gap when it comes to growing together in faith. And so we're going to explore that. And I know with Chad and I, this was something that we experienced because we would be reading our Bible,

praying, but we would be doing it separately sitting next to each other and it wouldn't transfer over to us praying together or to us reading and discussing together. It was solely independent and we felt that gap as well.

Chad (00:38)
And so part of this, this is as Sarah Gale said, such a common question when working with couples. How does this area of intimacy become an opportunity where they actually feel connected? And so part of that, Sarah Gale and I, I think we had a key step correct, and that was growing in our individual faith. And so that is, in my perspective, an important part, right? As I'm growing closer to God and Sarah Gale's growing closer to God, that actually positions us.

to connect together. And so ultimately here, the goal is that God is at the center, right? That both of us are prioritizing our relationship with God individually. Now what we're talking about is how do we bridge that gap to prioritize God together? it operates off that foundation of I'm spending time in my word or prayer, Sarah Gale's spending time in her word and prayer. God is at the center and now we're just moving that into a collective conversation and that's part of what we want to look at.

But sometimes couples want spiritual connection and neither one of them individually is growing in their faith. Yeah. And so it's kind of like, well, if you're showing up to that conversation, what are we showing up with? Right? We want to make sure that we're showing up with a hunger and an appetite for God. And now we're just learning and connecting together.

Sarah-Gayle (01:52)
Right. And God is the source of our marriage. And so as we are in his word, as we're individually growing, we're learning more about who he is. And so even getting an idea of what spiritual connection could be. Yeah. And our expectations are huge when it comes to this area. Because if I'm expecting that spiritual connection looks like praying all day, every day together, checking in, what is God telling you? What is he telling you now? What is he telling you now? Like if that is my expectation for spiritual connection, then I probably will be very disappointed.

And frustrated. And maybe Chad has a completely different expectation of what spiritual connection is. Maybe him just recognizing he loves God, that he feels spiritually connected. We both love God, we're good. Right? So it's important to discuss what you are both hoping for when it comes to this area. And a lot of times we get our expectations from different things, you know, such as culture, the church that we grew up in, maybe the example we saw from our parents.

we want to be aware of where we are getting our ideals when it comes to spiritual connection because our marriage is our marriage. And we don't have to continue to perpetuate the things of the past that perhaps didn't even serve the people of the past, but we also can grab from the areas of the past that were helpful from our parents, our grandparents. And a lot of the couples that we've spoken to, unfortunately though, they don't have any of those examples. And as when it comes to faith and when it comes to connection, it

It felt more just like a task, just something they'd checked off on their list and they didn't see what it looked like for a couple to truly be spiritually connected. And so this is why this is such an exciting thing that we get to talk about because it is revolutionary, it is transformative, not only within the relationship, but also what we see in the world when we have couples who are spiritually connected.

Chad (03:39)
Part of this navigating expectations as a team, we want to talk about a couple pitfalls. Cause it's not uncommon that couples go to take a step of connecting, but they fall into the trap of these pitfalls. And so what's big picture, what I think of is we wanna create a safe space for each other. So if we're gonna start sharing and connecting our faith, safety first. Yeah.

Right. And so part of that is not weaponizing scripture against each other. And so some of the first times that we're sharing scripture is I'm picking a verse that you're not living up to. Yeah. And the biggest challenge is there's gonna be a verse that my wife can pick that I'm not living up to. Yep. And Jesus speaks directly against this or about this when talking with the disciples. He says, Hey, worry about the plank in your own eye before the speck of dust in your neighbors.

Man, I can't think of another relationship where this is truer than marriage. We have such access to each other that we're consistently aware of where our spouse is potentially coming up short from our own perspective. And so this idea, one of the biggest pitfalls that erodes spiritual connection is when we use the Bible to push each other down, when we use the Bible to criticize, when we use the Bible to minimize or blame each other.

So we want to just completely eliminate this idea of weaponizing the Bible against each other. That will erode spiritual connection right from the get-go. Yep. And then neither person's gonna be excited about sharing because they've experienced the other side. ⁓ well, how come you don't do that if you share that thing that you're growing in? So it's really important that we don't weaponize the Bible against each other.

Sarah-Gayle (05:25)
Another common pitfall for spiritual connection is keeping score or keeping track. And earlier in marriage, I used to do this. You know, we agreed that we wanted to pray together. And I just expected that Chad would be the one who initiated prayer. I was thinking, you know, he's the man of God. He's gonna be the one who leads our family. So I was waiting around for him to bring it up day in and day out. And he actually did a pretty good job for the most part, knowing that or

I guess not knowing that that wasn't even an expectation I had. But then the days that he forgot to bring up praying together, I knew and I didn't say anything. If anything, I just harbored resentment or I harbored this disappointment of wow, he's not leading us in the way I think he should lead us. I know it was a lot. I'm not proud of this, but I think it's very common for many of us in our marriages where we have these expectations and

We are keeping track and and we're waiting for our spouse to show us that they are being faithful. Whereas spiritual connection, is making sure that we are working together to connect and do the things that we're wanting to do. And in this case, it was praying together.

Chad (06:35)
So we look at these pitfalls. If you listen to a lot of our podcasts, you're gonna recognize some rhythms or some patterns here. Weaponizing, right? Taking a tool and weaponizing it against each other, keeping track. You know the things that cracks me up in sessions is somehow couples remember who shared first, like last session. I don't know if you get the well, I shared first last time. I'm like I don't like I have I mean, obviously I'm working with a bunch of couples, so I don't remember. Yeah. But this whole idea of keeping track of anything.

Sarah-Gayle (06:55)
Do.

Chad (07:04)
creates that debt debtor relationship. And so same thing. We're talking about spiritual connection or spiritual intimacy. We got to get some of these patterns out. And the third one that we want to talk about in terms of a pitfall is kind of judging or pushing. You know, relationships thrive off encouragement and support. Yeah, it's good. Relationships thrive off vulnerability and courage. Relationships are stifled when there's demands and there's expectations and there's ultimatums. And so sometimes

We're in different places spiritually. Maybe I'm doing a deep dive on a topic in the Bible and you're not. Well, it's reasonable that I'm gonna have those things at the forefront of my mind, and Sergio may not. Yeah. If I'm reading the book of Acts and she's reading the book of Proverbs, we're gonna be thinking about different things. And so this I idea of being supportive and not pushing or judgmental. Oftentimes God is doing different things in our individual lives, and that's okay. And

What does it look like to pray and support each other in the positive rather than like, well, I've been fasting because God's put that on my heart and you haven't. So, you know, and it's like we we take these things that could bring us together and instead we use them as targets to push each other down. And so these are things that are pitfalls. If we eliminate these, we actually create a safe space where both people are excited because they feel heard and that courage or that vulnerability.

Is protect.

Sarah-Gayle (08:34)
Yeah, and I I wanted you to also kind of speak to when people are in just completely different places. We get a lot of couples like that where one is completely engaged in the word of God and reading, going to church maybe on their own, and then their their spouses doesn't seem to be very interested. What are your thoughts on that?

Chad (08:51)
I think the biggest thing is to recognize in our humanity, let's say that you're on fire for God in a season and I'm more withdrawn. Right. You praying for or encouraging or creating an environment that I might want to be a part of is gonna increase my appetite for the things of God. Yeah. But if you are critical, you are judgmental, you're like, I don't want to be a part of that. Yeah. And so that's the unfortunate thing that I see is when somebody is participating or growing in their faith, there's a disappointment.

They want their spouse to be on that same journey. I understand that and I get that. And that is, that's okay. Yeah. But how that shows up matters. Right. It's like, well, well, I'm going to bed because I'm serving at church tomorrow morning. And it's like, what? Like so we just want to be thoughtful about that. ⁓ and then that to me is where our individual faith becomes so important. Because if a spouse is taking those desires to God,

God has the ability to comfort or bring clarity or bring courage to that desire. Whereas if it becomes pressure on our spouse, oftentimes for whatever reason in our humanity, people withdraw more. Yeah. And so take that to God. Like, hey, man, God, I just love serving in the church. I want this to be something I do with my spouse. Extend periodic invitations, but have them be kind of open-ended, not with,

Like you better or there's a punishment on the other side.

Sarah-Gayle (10:16)
We're going to shift and talk about the opportunity for spiritual connection. And when spiritual connection is healthy, couples grow in knowing God together. And there's nothing like that because God designed marriage and he is the source. And so as we are operating in covenant, which in a previous podcast we talked about the differences between covenant and contract. So make sure you look at that if you missed it. But when we are operating in covenant, then the fulfillment and the joy that comes from that.

is on like anything else that we can experience. also we can experience a deeper emotional intimacy because again, God is the source. We're looking to Him. And so what we get to experience is from His framework, from His working, His doings. we can become a light beyond just our marriage, a light in our community.

When we are connected spiritually, people see that because we are a reflection of Christ in the church. And I've said it before in different podcasts where it's almost like there's a aroma, a fragrance that comes from us that is very attractive that people see where they might not be able to put their finger on it initially, but they say, Hey, I want that. There's something different. And that's what we have the opportunity to show as we are spiritually connected with one another. It's bigger than just doing life in parallel or side by side.

when we have a spiritual connection happening, then what comes from that is something that can even be eternal because the seeds that we're sowing and the things that are growing are beyond just the moment because they're of God.

Chad (11:42)
for Sarah Gail and I, and when working with other couples, spiritual connection doesn't happen by accident. And so there's a couple things I want to share with you. The first one is it takes intentionality. The seasons that Sarah Gail and I are more connected, we've planned it. We've scheduled it. We are more intentional about when are we praying together or even what are we reading? Yeah. You know, there's times where we're reading something similar, there's times where we're reading something different. And so the more clear we are, it just helps us. Right. And then when are we talking about these things?

the other element is grace, right? It's this attitude and this atmosphere of grace. Remember, if we want something to be sustainable, we need to create a safe space for each other. And so sometimes we could be reading the same book, the same chapter, and my goodness, our takeaways are fundamentally different. Yeah. And there are times where we show up to that conversation kind of like shocked or maybe even annoyed. Like, why is this your takeaway? Like, how did you miss this as the takeaway?

Right. And those are the moments that we kind of miss the opportunity to connect. Then there's other times where there's more grace. That's like, wow, like curiosity. Like I didn't even see that. That's interesting. And to me, that's an expression of when the word of God says that it is living and active. Yeah. In different seasons of my life, I read part of scripture and what feels like the main part a decade later is totally different. That's so true. Why?

Well, because it's living and active, I'm in a different place, my situation's a different place. What God is wanting to do in and through my life may be different. Well, when there's two of us, the likelihood that this is happening is higher. So intentionality, grace, and the third thing is margin. We have to prioritize and create margin in our life to connect. This isn't gonna happen by accident. This isn't gonna happen in the midst of busyness. We need to be intentional.

the last thought that I like to share with couples and even for us is sometimes couples have let's just call it zero spiritual connection in the beginning. And then what they desire is like a 10 out of 10. It's like, well, realistically, we're not gonna go from a zero out of 10 to a 10 out of 10 in a day. And so, like, what is a two or three out of 10 look like? Keep it simple, start small and experience some wins together.

And then just continue to build over time. And then the other reality is this is something we have to manage over time. We've had seasons where we've read together, we've prayed together, like super consistent fasting together. And then other seasons where all of a sudden it's like, hmm, not much spiritual connections happening. Yeah. So it's just an opportunity to then get back on and do some of those things and be intentional, create an atmosphere of grace, recognize that we need margin for these things to happen.

Sarah-Gayle (14:30)
Yeah, those are all so good. And I want to commend you for just wanting to grow in spiritual connection because that's our first step. Just being aware that there's more and figuring out, okay, well, what can we do? And so I want to move ahead into action steps as far as what can you do.

And what you can focus on. And so the first thing is just clarifying expectations. Just like what Chad said, there's different seasons. Different seasons create different rhythms, cadences, desires, all of those things. And so we want to be clear with each other as far as what does spiritual connection look like for me now? And I would even encourage if you're a calendar type of person, quarterly have this discussion. How are we doing when it comes to spiritual connection?

Are we good? What does it look like for you in this season? And then go from there. And then the next action step I would say is to stop one of the harmful patterns. You know, when we were talking about the different harmful patterns of weaponizing scripture,

Keeping score, pressuring your spouse spiritually. Is there one of these that you need to eliminate? And if so, let's be urgent about it because I imagine you're listening to this because you want to grow spiritually, you wanna connect spiritually. And those are pitfalls. And so just choose one that you can stop doing.

Chad (15:46)
The final two action items: the first one is establish a spiritual rhythm, practical level that could be praying, deciding a time whether that could be the morning or the evening, but praying together. And the final one is being a part of a local church together, shared priority of the local church. We're gonna dive deeper into both of those ideas in upcoming podcasts because there's so much value that couples can experience and so we're gonna dedicate entire podcasts to those. So we look forward to.

jumping into those in more detail and continuing to encourage and equip you in developing and growing in this area of spiritual connection.

Sarah-Gayle (16:24)
Yes, we were made for it, so we're so excited for you and cheering you on.