SPEAKER_03: Well, good morning, Spring Lake.
SPEAKER_03: It's good to see you.
SPEAKER_03: I saw our topic actually popped up there.
SPEAKER_03: So I was around midway through.
SPEAKER_03: My name is Jeff Letter.
SPEAKER_03: I'm the care pastor here.
SPEAKER_03: If we haven't got a chance to meet yet, I get the honor of leading a few different areas.
SPEAKER_03: One is our biblical uh care mentor team as well as our G4 groups on uh Monday nights, and then also our congregational care areas.
SPEAKER_03: And so um I'm excited to continue, and really we're we're beginning to round out our uncomfortable series with these last three messages that are rotating.
SPEAKER_03: Um, along those lines, I do want to uh make a pastoral disclaimer in case you haven't felt uncomfortable yet.
SPEAKER_03: This is our goal in this in this moment.
SPEAKER_03: We're gonna talk about sexuality um in our time today, and so I want to say that as a disclaimer for parents, if you have young ones and you're not ready to engage in this subject with uh mommy, daddy, what does so-and-so mean?
SPEAKER_03: Like, then just be prepared, and if you need to make decisions in terms of nobody's gonna judge you.
SPEAKER_03: Um as a side note, I would implore you as a parent at any age to start having these conversations.
SPEAKER_03: And note I say conversations with an S.
SPEAKER_03: Not just the talk, but at a very young age, start vague, start conceptual, move more and more specific as they uh grow in age-appropriate ways.
SPEAKER_03: While this is not the topic of this sermon, kiddos are being introduced to the subject even accidentally, uh, at younger and younger ages.
SPEAKER_03: So it's not a question of if, but when is that moment gonna come?
SPEAKER_03: And ultimately, who is the one who's going to be teaching your kiddos that subject?
SPEAKER_03: Is it gonna be their friends with unrestricted internet access?
SPEAKER_03: Is it gonna be school officials?
SPEAKER_03: Um, is it going to be uh, you know, the the neighbor down the street or the older brother or their best friend?
SPEAKER_03: Um you wanna be a resource and a place for your kids to come and talk to you about anything that may be there.
SPEAKER_03: And so um, if you're looking for like resources and ways and um of how to do this well and how to have these conversations, uh come talk to me, or you can talk to Pastor Ryan in the family ministry side.
SPEAKER_03: Um there are there are books, even like the Story of Me series, that starts at like age three and just starts introducing that topic.
SPEAKER_03: Um and so I think that's a really a really good thing to consider.
SPEAKER_03: Um disclaimer, imagine with me for a moment that you're 15 years old.
SPEAKER_03: You sign up for driver's ed, you walk into the classroom, you sit down, the instructor says, All right, welcome to driver's ed.
SPEAKER_03: Before we begin, there are a few important rules.
SPEAKER_03: Don't speed, don't run red lights, don't text and drive, don't tailgate, don't drift out of your lane, don't hit pedestrians, don't forget your seatbelt, don't drive under the influence, don't ignore road signs.
SPEAKER_03: And whatever you do, don't cause an accident.
SPEAKER_03: And then he hands you the keys that says, All right, have an awesome time.
SPEAKER_03: Like you're gonna be a little bit terrified going, I don't even know, like step one.
SPEAKER_03: Like you'd have a basic understanding of what to avoid.
SPEAKER_03: You would maybe even know some things that could go wrong.
SPEAKER_03: You'd certainly know how not to drive, but you'd have no idea of how to actually drive well.
SPEAKER_03: No one taught you how to adjust your mirrors or watch the road or how to merge or to anticipate what another driver might do or the unexpected that happens when you drive.
SPEAKER_03: In other words, you were given warnings but not wisdom.
SPEAKER_03: You were given boundaries, but not a vision, and rules for like avoiding disaster, but no real instruction for flourishing.
SPEAKER_03: And if we're honest, this is often how the church has talked about sex.
SPEAKER_03: We have given people many necessary don'ts, and those boundaries absolutely do matter, but too often we have not also given a holy, a beautiful, a biblical vision for what God designed marital intimacy to be, that it would be covenantal and self-giving and safe and joyful, tender, and deeply unifying.
SPEAKER_03: We warn people of everything that could go wrong, what the sinful expression of it looks like, and then basically we assume that couples, you'll just figure out the rest, like which is what we hope, because we likely won't bring up the topic again beyond premarital counseling unless something goes horribly wrong.
SPEAKER_03: So for many, the only exposure is to condemn the subject as wrong, and then have the expectation to be able to flip that paradigm from wrong to right on the wedding night, which is honestly why a lot of Christian couples sometimes have some rough wedding night experiences.
SPEAKER_03: So I just want so badly for us, the church, as the church, to reclaim the beauty of what physical intimacy is meant to be as God's idea, the deeper realities it points to in Christ, and the joy that our Heavenly Father desires for couples to find through this unique union.
SPEAKER_03: So we're gonna anchor first in the beginning of Genesis.
SPEAKER_03: We're gonna launch from there to reclaim a vision of holy intimacy.
SPEAKER_03: And so we'll be in Genesis one and two.
SPEAKER_03: Um and if you want to check in uh the UVersion app, um, I'll just tell you in the UVersion app, there's gonna be quotes.
SPEAKER_03: There's also at least one diagram, and so if you want to look at those things in more detail, go to UVersion.
SPEAKER_03: I think it's like Discover Events, Spring Lake Church Bellevue, you'll be able to find and track with where we are in that.
SPEAKER_03: But we'll start specifically in Genesis 1, uh verses 26 through 28, and then we'll we'll hop skip over to Genesis 2.
SPEAKER_03: So starting in verse 26.
SPEAKER_03: Then God said, Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.
SPEAKER_03: So God created mankind in his own image.
SPEAKER_03: In the image of God, he created them.
SPEAKER_03: Male and female, he created them.
SPEAKER_03: God blessed them and said to them, Be fruitful and increase the number, fill the earth and subdue it.
SPEAKER_03: Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, and over every living creature that moves on the ground.
SPEAKER_03: The Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be alone.
SPEAKER_03: I will make a helper suitable for him.
SPEAKER_03: Oh, sorry, I skipped of to chapter two there without telling y'all.
SPEAKER_03: We're we're now in chapter two, verse eighteen.
SPEAKER_03: You're like, What?
SPEAKER_03: Sorry.
SPEAKER_03: All right.
SPEAKER_03: We're in chapter two, that was eighteen.
SPEAKER_03: Continue in nineteen.
SPEAKER_03: Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky.
SPEAKER_03: He brought them to the man to see what he would name them, and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name.
SPEAKER_03: So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky, all the wild animals, but for Adam no suitable helper was found.
SPEAKER_03: So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep.
SPEAKER_03: While he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs, closed up the place with flesh.
SPEAKER_03: Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
SPEAKER_03: The man said, This is now bone of my bones, flesh of my flesh.
SPEAKER_03: She shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man.
SPEAKER_03: That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
SPEAKER_03: Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
SPEAKER_03: Church, let's pray.
SPEAKER_03: Father, I think even in the midst of that, we s there's certainly a holy longing in us to reclaim what this original vision looks like that was soon after marred by sin.
SPEAKER_03: And in the midst of this, we also want your word to instruct our thinking and how we engage.
SPEAKER_03: And you haven't left us alone to figure out a topic like this.
SPEAKER_03: You have given us your word, your instruction, and your heart for what this looks like in the context of marriage and married couples.
SPEAKER_03: And I pray, Lord, that you would just be a part of our conversation and we just submit this time to you.
SPEAKER_03: And pray this in Jesus' name.
SPEAKER_03: Amen.
SPEAKER_03: So I originally was going to start in Genesis 2 and hit the ground running with God's original design for marriage, but we needed to first stop in Genesis 1.
SPEAKER_03: So organizationally, it's helpful to think of Genesis 1 as like God's cosmic creation of everything as a whole.
SPEAKER_03: And then Genesis 2 is like a zoom in, it's like a poetic celebration of day six's creation of Adam and Eve.
SPEAKER_03: In Genesis 1, after everything else is created, we have male and female made in the image of God.
SPEAKER_03: One scholar highlights and translates this as male and female made as God's image versus in.
SPEAKER_03: And the point is that humanity as a whole are meant to image God.
SPEAKER_03: Theologians have debated as to what it means to be made in God's image throughout the ages.
SPEAKER_03: Is it an ability?
SPEAKER_03: Is it like intelligence?
SPEAKER_03: Is it like this conscious awareness we have, or is it simply who we are as created humanity?
SPEAKER_03: Michael Heiser, a scholar who's written a lot on this, makes this helpful point.
SPEAKER_03: We are created to image God, to be his imagers.
SPEAKER_03: It is what we are by definition.
SPEAKER_03: The image is not an ability we have, but a status.
SPEAKER_03: We are God's representatives on earth.
SPEAKER_03: To be human is to image God.
SPEAKER_03: Now, you might be wondering what this has to do with marital intimacy.
SPEAKER_03: And the truth is, is this is the foundation for the honor that is meant to be displayed everywhere in the marriage relationship.
SPEAKER_03: Each individual is equal in importance and dignity and value, and given a voice that is meant to be heard.
SPEAKER_03: Some of you may be in marriages where this is unfortunately not happening, and there are issues downstream in terms of like sinful abuse or lust or adultery or lack of intentionality that need to be addressed before we engage in physical intimacy, how best to conversations.
SPEAKER_03: I tell couples all the time that physical intimacy is the overflow of spiritual and emotional intimacy, and you'll hear that a lot throughout this sermon, and it should reflect those other areas as priorities.
SPEAKER_03: In other words, you should not be a different person in the bedroom than you are in any other arena of your relationship.
SPEAKER_03: Mutual honor and value should be prioritized, and where that's absent, there will be a lack of the fullness of what God intended in this arena.
SPEAKER_03: So my point in this is I don't want someone weaponizing what is proclaimed in this sermon to justify mistreatment or lack of prioritizing of other intimate areas and then expecting a willingness or an openness to physical intimacy.
SPEAKER_03: Now I'll unpack this further as we go along, but I need you to hear that sexual intimacy in marriage is the overflow of a good marriage, which is why most couples who come in for marriage counseling have either dropped that area of their relationship or it's just not regular anymore.
SPEAKER_03: And so typically it's because there are all these other issues that have not been addressed.
SPEAKER_03: It's also why it's the last subject we engage in counseling, because even problems in sexual intimacy are often the fruit or the symptoms of other issues upstream.
SPEAKER_03: This all starts with honoring the image of God and one another and then seeking to image God's love to your spouse.
SPEAKER_03: This is really our first point.
SPEAKER_03: Mutual honor as fellow image bearers is the foundation of true intimacy.
SPEAKER_03: This is the foundation of where we're going.
SPEAKER_03: It's it's honestly the answer to many questions surrounding what is permissible and on the table in the bedroom in terms of intimacy between spouses.
SPEAKER_03: The question should be when we're intimate, does this honor my spouse or does it cause dishonor or possible harm to the person I love most in this world?
SPEAKER_03: Am I validating the other person by listening and providing a space for their voice?
SPEAKER_03: Am I imaging God's love well towards my husband or wife?
SPEAKER_03: Now I know that I'm speaking to a mixed audience in this sermon.
SPEAKER_03: There are those for whom this subject of sexuality brings up past pain or maybe abuse from those who wounded or betrayed you in this area.
SPEAKER_03: And those wounds they run deep.
SPEAKER_03: And my prayer is that you might still find comfort in God's redemptive view of what sex was meant to be in the wake of where someone took advantage of you and distorted this subject for you.
SPEAKER_03: If that is you, what happened to you was evil, and it grieves the Lord as well because it takes the beautiful way that God designed our bodies to work and it twists and distorts it.
SPEAKER_03: There are also those of you in here who are single, either because of a previous marriage ended for one reason or another, or you've never been married.
SPEAKER_03: My prayer in this sermon is regardless of whether you're married or not, you'd be able to apply some of the relational principles to those you do life with and around.
SPEAKER_03: You are not a second-class citizen just because you may be single.
SPEAKER_03: And sadly, we have done a poor job of communicating this at the church level, of the different gifting of singleness in the church.
SPEAKER_03: Just because you are single for however long does not mean you live an unfulfilled life.
SPEAKER_03: If that were true, then we would have to assume that individuals like Jesus, Paul, or countless believers across church history had a less than full existence.
SPEAKER_03: And that simply is not true.
SPEAKER_03: May even be a little bit blasphemous.
SPEAKER_03: I haven't thought about it deeply enough.
SPEAKER_03: Your call to image God's love relationally in others' lives is just as profound and weighty, albeit different, than those expressed in marriage, sexual intimacy.
SPEAKER_03: So I hope you don't tune out this message just because the focus might be on marriage.
SPEAKER_03: But for some of you, this may redeem the past, and for others, it may be useful for the future.
SPEAKER_03: Having said that, let's go back to our Genesis 2 text.
SPEAKER_03: It starts with the first, it is not good.
SPEAKER_03: It is not good that the man is alone.
SPEAKER_03: God makes a declaration that Adam needs a helper in our text here, the Hebrew word there being azer.
SPEAKER_03: And this is not in any way like a condescending term, like we sometimes think of helper, like if we think of like a little kid, like, oh, that's so cute, he's mommy's little helper.
SPEAKER_03: That's not what's happening here.
SPEAKER_03: This is an observation by the Lord that Adam was called to a massive mission to spread God's rule and reign over the face of the earth, to be fruitful and multiply.
SPEAKER_03: And if you think about it, that's not even possible for him to do by himself.
SPEAKER_03: He can't actually carry out what God has asked of him.
SPEAKER_03: To further this idea, God is described later on by this word Azer as well.
SPEAKER_03: God is our help in other scriptures.
SPEAKER_03: So this is not a denigration, it's not a downplay, but an acknowledgement of Adam's need and actually Eve's role in actually rescuing him from his predicament.
SPEAKER_03: I've always thought what God did next was interesting, though.
SPEAKER_03: He parades all of creation before Adam to name each animal, and the text says no suitable helper was found for him amongst animal and bird creation.
SPEAKER_03: In addition, he's likely also seeing like the pairing of each animal come by: male, female, male, female, male, female.
SPEAKER_03: Like he's just like this is going on over and over through all of creation.
SPEAKER_03: It's almost like God is desiring to draw out this yearning in Adam himself that nothing else in all of creation will satisfy, like having an equal partner of his own that is like him, like he's witnessing everywhere else in the animal kingdom.
SPEAKER_03: It's not as if God expected him to like find a suitable helper and like a dog.
SPEAKER_03: Like it's man's best friend, but that's not his role.
SPEAKER_03: And so it's almost like he needed to go through this process to understand the gift and the preciousness of what was about to happen.
SPEAKER_03: Regardless, it works, and we see in Adam's reaction that this is not just speechless, but he breaks into the first song we see in Scripture.
SPEAKER_03: I mean, the man gets poetic.
SPEAKER_03: But before we get there though, we can't go too speedily past this really mysterious surgery that happens as Adam's put to sleep, and God takes out what our text says is a rib, but the same word is also used later to describe a side.
SPEAKER_03: So with a similar term used in Exodus to talk about the two sides of the tabernacle or the two sides of a hole.
SPEAKER_03: And so it's literally some scholars believe that actually what happened is Adam, one of his sides was taken out in order to form the woman who will later know as Eve.
SPEAKER_03: So the beauty in this surgery is this parallel with reality as God takes one and then he makes two, and then as we see later, he asks them the two to become one flesh again in marriage.
SPEAKER_03: And so it's really this beautiful symmetry.
SPEAKER_03: So the surgery happens and Adam is blown away.
SPEAKER_03: You see him recognize that Eve was the fulfillment of a longing he has felt.
SPEAKER_03: Like after I saw every other animal, this one is finally like me.
SPEAKER_03: And in many ways, you could like sum it up as a worshipal, a thankful heart that proclaims, This one is mine, this one is made for me.
SPEAKER_03: The last verse of our text sums up this beautiful moment well with they were both naked and they felt no shame.
SPEAKER_03: What incredible picture.
SPEAKER_03: And I think a longing, I believe, we're still chasing after in many ways.
SPEAKER_03: Yes, they were physically naked, but I would add there was no hiding, there was no deception, there were no unknowns between them.
SPEAKER_03: They just were themselves.
SPEAKER_03: Doug Rosenau, a Christian counseling sexual therapy expert, which yes is a thing, he sums it up well.
SPEAKER_03: It is tremendously moving to think of God's original one-flesh companionship.
SPEAKER_03: Adam and Eve before the fall of Eden had the marvelous capacity of being totally naked, physically, emotionally, with no shame or fear.
SPEAKER_03: They reveled in a childlike trust and curiosity, laughing, exploring, giving and receiving love.
SPEAKER_03: Sex was a glorious, innocent celebration lived out with instinctual honesty, respect, and zest for life.
SPEAKER_03: It was naked and unashamed, with no performance anxiety, inhibitions, pain, or selfish skill deficits.
SPEAKER_03: What a relationship and sex life they were able to have as they truly knew each other inside and out.
SPEAKER_03: I want you to pay attention to that word in quotations, new, because that'll be important for us later.
SPEAKER_03: And this leads to our first or our second point that might be obvious for some, but I still think it bears highlighting.
SPEAKER_03: Sex was God's idea meant to embody the love God has for us.
SPEAKER_03: Now, the reason I make this point is because we have not always been clear in the church about this.
SPEAKER_03: Because of the focus on some of the sinful distortions of this good gift from the Lord, it almost feels like we're engaging in something inappropriate or dirty just by saying the word in here from the pulpit.
SPEAKER_03: I'm not sure how many times I'm gonna say sex today, but it's a lot more than your average Sunday, is it not?
SPEAKER_03: Like you're feeling that.
SPEAKER_03: I'm feeling it, I'm sweating up here.
SPEAKER_03: It's almost as if sex was something that crept in after the fall versus God's good design to be delighted in for intimacy and this fruitful multiplication of the people of God.
SPEAKER_03: For a long time in the church, as a result of teachings by leaders like Augustine, who I'm a big fan of, I but I disagree with him on this one.
SPEAKER_03: It was often taught or proclaimed that sex was for reproduction, and anything else beyond that might be verging on sin.
SPEAKER_03: The reasoning came out of his own story of having been delivered from disordered sexual desires himself.
SPEAKER_03: And so when he came to faith in Christ, it was sort of this over-suspicion, over-protection from sexual sin.
SPEAKER_03: The idea that sex for covenantal union and enjoyment in marriage, it was like it was permissible, like it was okay, but not necessarily encouraged, and it certainly wasn't celebrated.
SPEAKER_03: But if this were the case, then you have some all kinds of awkwardness as you get to sections of scripture.
SPEAKER_03: When you get to a book like Song of Solomon or Song of Songs, which we don't have time to get into the fullness today, but I encourage, study it.
SPEAKER_03: Married couples, read it.
SPEAKER_03: Like this is a time, this is a celebration of the enjoyment of marital intimacy.
SPEAKER_03: It doesn't just describe delight as like also coming as a result of sexual union.
SPEAKER_03: It rejoices and has poetry and song celebrating the delight of husband and wife coming together in an embodied way.
SPEAKER_03: Yes, sex is also where the joy of new life is conceived, but not as some like arbitrary duty or obligation.
SPEAKER_03: I guess I have to have it because we need to have babies.
SPEAKER_03: If you think it's just Song of Solomon, though, listen to the way Proverbs 5, just prepare to blush in this.
SPEAKER_03: May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
SPEAKER_03: A loving doe, a graceful deer, may her breast satisfy you always.
SPEAKER_03: May you ever be intoxicated with her love.
SPEAKER_03: This kind of language is missing from weddings, and maybe it's tragic.
SPEAKER_03: I'm thinking of all the weddings I've had, I have not spoken this blessing over the couple.
SPEAKER_03: But maybe this should be a part of like, hey, this is this is a blessing, this is how we end.
SPEAKER_03: Go, be fruitful, enjoy the good gift.
SPEAKER_03: Like, somehow Christians who are in a relationship with the author of sex have become known as those least likely to mention the subject, even uh outside of just the sinful expressions of it.
SPEAKER_03: Sadly, the result of this is many have gone to the world to define what this is meant to look like.
SPEAKER_03: And I would say even couples go into things like pornography to spice up their love life and then reaping the terrible consequences of that.
SPEAKER_03: And I just, if you're doing that, I just encourage you, please, please stop doing this.
SPEAKER_03: It's only going to reap harm and devastations down the road.
SPEAKER_03: In addition, when couples are struggling in this area, there's often shame attached, and there's no idea of who's going to be a safe place to discuss this area.
SPEAKER_03: So if this is God's idea, what is his vision of true intimacy?
SPEAKER_03: And I think the most appropriate place to start in this is this first verse in the Bible that really mentions the act in Genesis 4.
SPEAKER_03: It's Genesis 4, verse 1.
SPEAKER_03: Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain, saying, I've gotten a man with the help of the Lord.
SPEAKER_03: Now I told you all to remember that quote that mentioned the word new, because many modern translations, like if you're in the NIV, they lose this, although the ESV we just read highlights it.
SPEAKER_03: Some others, like the NIV, says Adam made love or had relations.
SPEAKER_03: The CSV says they were intimate, which is a little bit closer, but the Hebrew word here is yada, and it truly sets the stage for what it means to be a husband and wife to come together.
SPEAKER_03: Although not every text where sex is mentioned uses this word, this is in many ways, I think, the best way to think about what intimacy is, the knowing and the being known that finds its expression physically in marriage, but it's the result of a relationship built on longing to truly know one another.
SPEAKER_03: The most helpful way to think about intimacy is to think in terms of into me you see.
SPEAKER_03: The two becoming one flesh is so much more than just a physical transaction.
SPEAKER_03: I often describe them as like overflowing buckets of knowing and being known.
SPEAKER_03: And so, like this diagram is going to show in a second.
SPEAKER_03: There's a lot of words on here.
SPEAKER_03: You don't have to read every one of them.
SPEAKER_03: I just want you to get the overall metaphor.
SPEAKER_03: You can you can read it later if you want to.
SPEAKER_03: Going from left to right, it is God's always and forever love that fills us up, which highlights the importance of God fueling your efforts to love your spouse well, because the job is beyond your ability as a human to fulfill.
SPEAKER_03: We are perfectly loved and satisfied by God so that then we can walk into other relationships, especially in our marriages, without necessarily needing anything.
SPEAKER_03: Because Jesus has enough for you so that then in any relationship, there's not this manipulation where I'm really I'm just loving you to get something back for myself.
SPEAKER_03: No, because God loves me even in my mess perfectly, I can imperfectly pursue my spouse, seeking to pour out an end to them in loving service that's honestly meant to be mutual.
SPEAKER_03: Where only one person is making all the deposits or the pour-ins, the relationship can start to feel one-sided and gradually burn out that person who's doing all the work.
SPEAKER_03: And honestly, it starts to feel like abandonment in a way.
SPEAKER_03: The hope is that as this picture shows, we, fueled by our intimacy with the Lord, would then step into opening up ourselves to one another spiritually, emotionally, and then literally opening up ourselves to one another physically.
SPEAKER_03: With no spiritual or emotional foundation, it's hard to imagine having the freedom and the rest to open up to someone physically.
SPEAKER_03: The integrity of this idea is again, and I've said this before, I hope you hear this, you are the same in every area of your life as you pursue knowing and being known by one another.
SPEAKER_03: You're the same person in the bedroom as you are on an ordinary Tuesday, loving your spouse as Jesus loves you.
SPEAKER_03: I want to know how Kara, which is my wife, if you don't know, so this will make a lot more sense if you know that.
SPEAKER_03: Kara's my wife.
SPEAKER_03: I want to know, like, I want to know where she's at spiritually.
SPEAKER_03: I want to know what she's excited about, like, like what are the things that she's stressing over?
SPEAKER_03: What is things she's worried about, praying about, what how is she doing spiritually?
SPEAKER_03: Where does she feel God pressing on her heart to move?
SPEAKER_03: So I know how to particularly love her spiritually.
SPEAKER_03: In the same way, I want to know how she's doing emotionally, like what she's stressing over.
SPEAKER_03: What are some areas that just feel heavy right now?
SPEAKER_03: Where does she feel stuck?
SPEAKER_03: What are the highs and lows of her day so that then I have the opportunity to rejoice or lament alongside her?
SPEAKER_03: And on the reverse, fellas, I have to be willing to let her in on my days, my struggles, my wins, my losses, my anxieties, my prayers, the lies that I'm tempted to believe, so that then she can love me specifically the way only someone who knows me well actually can.
SPEAKER_03: And in this way, physical intimacy is the result of the fruit of being connected in all areas of your relationship.
SPEAKER_03: That is the beauty of marriage.
SPEAKER_03: It's the specificity through which our spouses are best positioned to love us the way God does.
SPEAKER_03: Because they're closest and they're meant to know us better than any other human being on the planet.
SPEAKER_03: And that's an ongoing work.
SPEAKER_03: You don't arrive in the knowledge.
SPEAKER_03: We're dynamic, we're changing.
SPEAKER_03: And so, like, if I tried to pull, I've joked, if I tried to pull the playbook out of the first five years of our marriage or our dating season now, 17 years later, she'll be like, what are you doing right now?
SPEAKER_03: What's happening?
SPEAKER_03: Like, like, don't you know me?
SPEAKER_03: Don't you know the things that that um I'm currently pursuing?
SPEAKER_03: This does not mean we ever become mind readers, but our communication has to be intentional with one another to get there.
SPEAKER_03: Nobody falls into a good marriage accidentally.
SPEAKER_03: And I hear me when I say that, no matter what you see in the church lobby, nobody falls into a good marriage accidentally.
SPEAKER_03: If you see a happy marriage, it's either a total facade, which I've seen that before, or it's the fruit of a lot of work in the background that you're not seeing.
SPEAKER_03: The overflow of our pursuit in these other areas will show up in the bedroom.
SPEAKER_03: Paul Tripp says it like this of the one-flesh relationship of marriage.
SPEAKER_03: Mutual serving love is only possible because there is a deep abiding relational unity that that couple has.
SPEAKER_03: You see, here's how it works in marriage.
SPEAKER_03: You always drag the character and quality of your marriage relationship into the marriage bed.
SPEAKER_03: If you've been harsh and judgmental with me, if you've been selfish and demanding with me, why would I not expect that you would be that same person in the intimacy of our sexuality?
SPEAKER_03: Why would I relax?
SPEAKER_03: Why would I rest?
SPEAKER_03: The wholeness of marital sexuality is only possible because of the wholeness of the spiritual relational intimacy of those couples.
SPEAKER_03: And this really is our third point, which is that true physical intimacy is the fruit of spiritual and emotional intimacy.
SPEAKER_03: We see this beautifully displayed in God's word as husbands are commanded to live with their wives in an understanding way as the weaker vessel, or else our prayers will be hindered.
SPEAKER_03: There's a huge difference between seeking to understand someone and seeking to make yourself understood.
SPEAKER_03: God wants us, as Ephesians 5 tells us as husbands to love our wives as Christ loves the church, sacrificial, nail-pierced, servant-hearted leadership that loves them as we love our own bodies.
SPEAKER_03: Even the weaker vessel passage I just mentioned that some of you may be struggling with in 1 Peter 3, it's not to highlight physical strength or weakness, but rather the preciousness of our wives.
SPEAKER_03: That word for weaker vessels is like fine china versus the everyday wear.
SPEAKER_03: There must be gentleness and care when dealing with their hearts and their bodies.
SPEAKER_03: In the same way, wives are then asked to come under that leadership, provided that it's done in a God-honoring, Christ-glorifying way that seeks for the flourishing of everyone underneath them.
SPEAKER_03: Jesus was able to go, he's an beautiful example of this.
SPEAKER_03: He was able to go hard against the Pharisees and yet be gentle enough for women and children to be drawn to him, to feel comfortable around him.
SPEAKER_03: That kind of leadership is the desire, it can be the delight of a wife to feel honored and cherished in that way, and then come under the leader that is for her in every way.
SPEAKER_03: And this is also where respect becomes huge.
SPEAKER_03: And you women who are often way more gifted in your words and your communication can literally tear your husbands down to hell with your words or encourage them up to heaven.
SPEAKER_03: This is for men too.
SPEAKER_03: We've got to be intentional there.
SPEAKER_03: The only way this truly happens is if you step in to know and be known, which can be risky because we don't always hold each other's hearts well.
SPEAKER_03: And there has to be forgiveness.
SPEAKER_03: If we can be intentional in this holistic pursuit of intimacy, then we have a chance for our physical intimacy to become a celebration of all the ways we feel loved and seek to love our spouses.
SPEAKER_03: And I've said this before, but I truly believe the best compliment you can give your spouse is to be able to say, I feel God's love through you.
SPEAKER_03: The way you love me reminds me of Jesus.
SPEAKER_03: Like there's, I don't think there's any better compliment you could give an individual, especially in marriage.
SPEAKER_03: Now, having said all that, before we end today, I did want to include a few very specific physical intimacy applications and ways to grow this area.
SPEAKER_03: And this is, they're gonna come like rapid fire, so I apologize for that.
SPEAKER_03: Number one, prioritize physical touch, and I would add non-sexual physical touch.
SPEAKER_03: If the only time you are touching one another in your life is when it's go time for sex, then you are missing an entire box of physical affection.
SPEAKER_03: Unselfish touch, impromptu lingering hugs, rubbing tired, sore shoulders or feet or scratching hair, like random longer kisses.
SPEAKER_03: They go a long way towards, hey, we're not just roommates.
SPEAKER_03: I like being near you.
SPEAKER_03: I desire you, and I don't just touch you when there's something for me on the other side.
SPEAKER_03: It's important to emphasize that.
SPEAKER_03: Secondly, talk about the subject and plan for intimacy.
SPEAKER_03: Life is busy and time gets away from us so easily, but this area matters, and when nobody mentions the elephant in the room, especially when there's been a drought or you guys haven't connected in a while, it just highlights the distance.
SPEAKER_03: A simple comment that says, Hey, babe, I miss you.
SPEAKER_03: I know we haven't connected in a while, but I still desire you and I long to be with you in that way.
SPEAKER_03: It builds a bridge and it speaks over the lies that are tempted to take root in that.
SPEAKER_03: And it goes a long way also if you can follow through to find a time that you guys can protect, to look forward to, that where you guys can connect in all those ways, all those emotionally, spiritually, physical ways.
SPEAKER_03: Now, having said that, also expect differences and desire levels for each of you.
SPEAKER_03: I have not come across the couple yet who do who does not have a difference in how often each spouse prefers sexual intimacy.
SPEAKER_03: And the stereotype is the guys want it more, girls want it less, and that's not necessarily true.
SPEAKER_03: I've run across all kinds of forms and many of the reverse of that.
SPEAKER_03: I think it's fascinating that Paul's a single guy tells married couples not to abstain for very long in 1 Corinthians, lest Satan tempt you.
SPEAKER_03: There's something in that.
SPEAKER_03: And if married couples, you know, something gets bitey, you start getting short with one another, this may be a good reason why, because you guys haven't been in prioritizing this.
SPEAKER_03: There's also an emphasis on your body not belonging or your body belonging to one another.
SPEAKER_03: That is to say, that sexual intimacy matters and it should be regular in a healthy marriage.
SPEAKER_03: But where there are struggles or where there's maybe a lack of any desire whatsoever, like be willing to go and seek help versus just letting that be the status moving forward.
SPEAKER_03: Each season is gonna look different for you, but you don't have to kiss this area of your relationship goodbye with age or other struggles arising.
SPEAKER_03: It just might need that you need help from outside of the two of you.
SPEAKER_03: So be willing to ask those questions.
SPEAKER_03: There's all there's even things like medications and things that can affect those areas, physical reasons why that's the case.
SPEAKER_03: Number four is to seek honor and to seek to honor and serve one another.
SPEAKER_03: I mentioned this earlier, but honor should help dictate what is okay and not okay in the bedroom.
SPEAKER_03: If your spouse feels dishonored or could be hurt or damaged bodily by something you do or you want to do, then it is not loving to press that issue.
SPEAKER_03: The attention is I would say we need to come into the bedroom like all other areas, though, as one looking to serve and love your spouse, which means if it's like a preference thing, I don't necessarily love that versus a this dishonors me or hurts me, then it might be worth considering, could I love my spouse in this way?
SPEAKER_03: Could I serve them in this way?
SPEAKER_03: And then finally, number five is don't ignore or push through pain.
SPEAKER_03: If there is a physical or emotional pain happening in intimacy, then that's the time to invite trusted, gospel-centered voices into that space.
SPEAKER_03: If you're struggling where to turn, I would be happy to help.
SPEAKER_03: There are Christian counselors in this area that can help, and even maybe a doctor can help solve if there's some physical issues that may be at play.
SPEAKER_03: In addition, there may be trauma or other emotional pieces that need to be brought into the open for healing to happen and actually true intimacy to flourish.
SPEAKER_03: Because that is the goal of this all intimacy, not physical release, although that is a beautiful part of what takes place.
SPEAKER_03: And summation, I know we barely skim the surface of some of these areas.
SPEAKER_03: You you may have questions, clarifications where there are struggles.
SPEAKER_03: And my hope is for you to know that Spring Lake is also a place where you can without shame ask those questions.
SPEAKER_03: Some of you are struggling in here right now and you don't know where to turn.
SPEAKER_03: And we want to help you, I want to invite you into our care mentoring spaces to start that journey, that conversation, even if the help may be outside of the church walls.
SPEAKER_03: We want to be a part of that journey for you in every any way we can.
SPEAKER_03: For those who recognize that their marriage issues are upstream from just the sexual intimacy side, I want to invite you into a marriage group called Art of Marriage.
SPEAKER_03: It's coming in September, it's gonna be on Thursdays.
SPEAKER_03: You can register for it on the events page of our website, and this video, I think, will give you a sneak peek of what's discussed and explored in that group space.
SPEAKER_01: I expected to have a husband who would cook and clean and lead us spiritually and always be patient and be kind.
SPEAKER_01: And she got it.
SPEAKER_01: We'd play video games.
SPEAKER_01: That's that's all you need in America.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so that so that didn't end up happening.
SPEAKER_00: You always marry the wrong person, and that's for a couple reasons.
SPEAKER_00: One is that that God, his intention is for you to go to love somebody different.
SPEAKER_00: Um second, they change.
SPEAKER_00: If you're married to one person over a lifetime, you're actually married to five different people.
SPEAKER_00: So if they're the right person now, they're not gonna be the right person tomorrow.
SPEAKER_00: Love is not simply a feeling, love is not simply making someone feel good.
SPEAKER_01: Love actually looks like the cross.
SPEAKER_01: There's no such thing as true love unless they're sacrificed.
SPEAKER_01: Love in the scriptures means that I disadvantage myself for the comfort and benefit of another.
SPEAKER_02: The purpose for oneness is so that people can see modeled in your marriage, the same kind of oneness that the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit have experienced for eternity.
SPEAKER_02: And your marriage, even in its imperfections and flaws, may be the most powerful statement for the gospel of Jesus Christ some people ever see in their entire lives.
SPEAKER_03: So, like I said, that's a great opportunity.
SPEAKER_03: Um, you don't have to be in a rough spot to go there.
SPEAKER_03: It's a marriage enrichment thing as well.
SPEAKER_03: And so if you guys haven't done that in a while, or you've never done that, it'd be a great opportunity to step in for it's a it's a six-week study, it'll be on Thursday nights at the Lawrence campus.
SPEAKER_03: And so I just encourage you to take that step.
SPEAKER_03: I wanted to end our service a little bit differently today.
SPEAKER_03: So rather than closing with another worship song like we typically do, we're gonna end with just an extended time of communion.
SPEAKER_03: Um sometimes we can hear about spiritual and emotional intimacy and wonder what does that even look like in real life?
SPEAKER_03: Like one of the simple and most meaningful ways we can grow in intimacy with God and with one another is honestly just through prayer and praying together.
SPEAKER_03: So if you would go ahead, and I think most of y'all are starting to do that now, get your communion elements ready.
SPEAKER_03: Before we take them together, I want to invite married couples to spend a few moments just praying for one another.
SPEAKER_03: Um, and and it's okay if you're not really sure exactly what to say in that moment.
SPEAKER_03: Um, you can do that out loud, you can do it quietly.
SPEAKER_03: Perhaps it's been a while since you've slowed down to even take this opportunity.
SPEAKER_03: So I wanted to create space for that here.
SPEAKER_03: And you may just pray simply, Lord, help me love my spouse well.
SPEAKER_03: Give us grace, honesty, patience, tenderness, forgiveness.
SPEAKER_03: Draw us closer to you and closer to one another.
SPEAKER_03: But I also want to say clearly, if praying with your spouse right now wouldn't be wise or safe for you tonight, you're also completely free to pray quietly where you are.
SPEAKER_03: I said tonight, it's this morning.
SPEAKER_03: And recognize that not everyone here also is married, or maybe you're not here with your spouse, and this time is for you too.
SPEAKER_03: Slow down.
SPEAKER_03: Let this just be a sweet, unhurried moment with the Lord.
SPEAKER_03: Ask for him to search your heart, to receive his love, to confess what you need to, to maybe bring some heavy things that have been going on.
SPEAKER_03: We are so accustomed to just constant movement and noise and content coming at us.
SPEAKER_03: So for the next few minutes, as as uh Sarah's playing quietly behind, just take some time to be still before the Lord and pray.
SPEAKER_03: And then I'll come back up here and we'll take communion together as one church family.
SPEAKER_03: So as we come back to this place, um really I think sometimes sometimes in a sermon like this, we need to first and foremost ground ourselves in the forgiveness that we have in Jesus, because all of us are missing the mark in some ways.
SPEAKER_03: And so the beauty is we don't have to wonder where we stand with God.
SPEAKER_03: And it is through this that forgiving act that we're then able to forgive and love our spouses for these areas in which we're all imperfectly executing.
SPEAKER_03: This meal has connections to weddings, actually.
SPEAKER_03: So the first the first meal we see in scripture is a tragic one with husband and wife, and sin enters the world through Adam and Eve's eating of the fruit.
SPEAKER_03: But in the book end, at the other end in Revelation, is the wedding supper of the Lamb, where the restoration of all things, as we get to come together to celebrate Jesus' work on our behalf as the good bridegroom who sacrificed himself on our behalf, so that as we sit here in the middle, as Jesus instituted this, we recognize that he gave his body and sacrifice for us.
SPEAKER_03: And that's a beautiful picture of what marriage should be, the gospel.
SPEAKER_03: And so as we look at first and foremost the bread, that broken body in our behalf, we thank Jesus for doing what we could never have done for ourselves and providing restoration with the Father.
SPEAKER_03: Thank you, Jesus.
SPEAKER_03: In the same way, like a good bridegroom, Ephesians talks about husbands washing their wives with the water of the word.
SPEAKER_03: Jesus has washed us clean from our sin.
SPEAKER_03: Somehow clean, somehow the redness of his blood creates the whiteness of his righteousness given to us.
SPEAKER_03: We thank you that we have right standing in a relationship with the Father because of our sins being forgiven by the shedding of his blood.
SPEAKER_03: We thank you, Lord.
SPEAKER_03: Father, in so many ways, we want to embody the type of love that you have demonstrated, the sending love, the the merciful Savior who comes and rescues us from our hopeless estate, provides strength and fullness of life, and allows us to then walk in love with all the relationships around us, that we would image you in those relationships.
SPEAKER_03: Help us do what we cannot do to truly manifest the spirit of the fruit of the spirit in our lives.
SPEAKER_03: Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, self-control.
SPEAKER_03: Would you help us do that with our spouses and with all these other relationships?
SPEAKER_03: May we glorify you in this.
SPEAKER_03: And we pray this in Jesus' name.
SPEAKER_03: Amen.
SPEAKER_01: Amen.