Do you say yes and regret it straight away? This week on Mindset Mastery Monday, Deirdre and Frank talk about the tiny two-letter word so many of us find almost impossible to say: no.

As always, the conversation goes in all sorts of directions. At its heart is a simple question: how do you answer honestly without upsetting anyone?

Deirdre’s story

Deirdre shares a moment from a family funeral. She hadn’t had a drink in a whole year and was proud of it. Then the “Ah, you will. Go on, you will” started, and in the end she said okay. Inside she was screaming no. Outside she was smiling and saying yes. It’s that “you can’t not” feeling so many of us know: you can’t not go, you can’t not help, you can’t not have one.

“Inside I was screaming no. Outside I was saying yes. That’s the cost of a yes you don’t mean.”

Why it’s the small yeses that wear us down

It’s rarely the big decisions that leave us drained. It’s the small yeses that pile up: the extra job at work, the lift you didn’t have time to give, the committee you never wanted to join. Add them together and you end up tired, stretched and quietly resentful, and then you feel guilty for feeling resentful.

“Every yes you give is a no to something else. Make sure it’s not a no to you.”

Why no feels so hard

We’re wired for belonging. Long ago, being part of the group kept us alive, so a part of our brain can still treat disappointing someone almost like a threat. That tightening in your stomach before you say no isn’t weakness. It’s your brain trying to keep you safe and keep you liked. But the people who truly matter don’t need you to be exhausted to prove you care.

“A kind no is better than a resentful yes.”

The tool: Pause. Check. Choose.

A simple three-step tool you can use at work, at home or on the phone in the car park.

• Pause. Don’t answer straight away. The automatic yes is a habit, and the pause breaks it. Simply say, “Let me come back to you on that.”

• Check. Ask yourself: Do I have the time? Do I have the energy? Does this matter to me, or am I just afraid of letting someone down?

• Choose. You have three good options: a full yes, given freely and gladly; a kind no (“Thanks for thinking of me, but I can’t take that on right now”); or “not that, but this” (“I can’t do Saturday, but I could give you an hour on Tuesday”).

“You’re not being selfish. You’re being honest.”

What it sounds like in real life

• At work. When another project lands on your desk: “I’m happy to help. If I take this on, which of my other priorities should move?”

• The grandparent. When minding the grandchildren has gone from a treat to five days a week: “I love having them. I can do two days, but five is too much for me now.”

• The one everybody leans on. “I’ve done it the last few times. Would somebody else like to take it this year?”

Three things to remember

1. You don’t need a long excuse. A short, kind answer is enough. The more you explain, the more room there is to argue.

2. Buy yourself time. “Let me come back to you” is your best friend.

3. Start small. Practise on something low-stakes before the big conversations.

And if you still feel guilty, that’s normal. The guilt is just the old habit wearing off, and it gets easier every time.

This week’s challenge

The next time somebody asks you for something, don’t answer straight away. Say, “Let me come back to you on that.” Then Pause, Check, Choose. Just once. Notice how it feels to give an answer that’s truly yours.

To take away

“The people who matter will respect an honest no far more than a yes you don’t mean.” (Frank)

“Your yes is precious, so give it where it counts. And when you say no with kindness, you’re not letting anyone down. You’re keeping a promise to yourself.” (Deirdre)

Want to go further?

If you recognise yourself as the one who always says yes, Deirdre can help you find your freedom. Visit deirdremaguire.com to find out more.