First Responder Life: Juggling Kids, Dogs, & a Career

In this conversation, Amanda and Suzy discuss the challenges and rewards of being a partner to a first responder. They explore the importance of community support, the balancing act of work and family life, and the emotional resilience required in their unique circumstances. Suzy shares her experiences as a librarian and a fire spouse, emphasizing the significance of having a support network and the value of literature in navigating their lives. They also touch on the impact of their partners' careers on their family dynamics and the resources available for both adults and children in the fire family community.

Transcript

Amanda (00:01.144)
Hello, welcome to the Fire Family Collective. I am Amanda and I have the pleasure of talking to Suzy today. We are so excited to chat with you today. We have some common background with our firefighter partners and myself as an educator and Suzy as a librarian. So Suzy, can you introduce yourself to us, please?

Suzy Card (00:22.617)
Hi, I'm Suzy. I have been a fire spouse for about eight years now. I was a paramedic spouse before that, so I've got a few more years of the background there. And we live in Texas and we have two kids and now two dogs because we just got a new puppy. So that's been fun.

Amanda (00:46.304)
Yes, you're so brave adding another living thing to take care of and all that you manage to do every day.

Suzy Card (00:50.181)
you

Suzy Card (00:53.955)
Yes, yes. It's been like having a newborn again. So that's been a little bit of adjustment. Yeah.

Amanda (00:59.222)
I can imagine.

Amanda (01:02.958)
So you are a librarian, so you work in public libraries, which is amazing. I love libraries. I grew up in my library at my school, going to the library, take my kids to the library all the time now. How do you manage working as a librarian and being a first responder partner with two kids and two dogs?

Suzy Card (01:21.557)
it's hard at times for sure. I'm not working full time anymore, but I was, when my kids were littler and it was definitely like, we had a schedule. You had to have a schedule because when he was at work, it was like, I had to take them to school or they're, were in daycare. So school, and then get myself to work and then leave work later and go pick them up and then come home and feed everybody and.

We're very lucky that living here in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, have a lot of family who has helped. So that's been really nice. When we lived in College Station, which is where Texas A is, it's a little farther south. We didn't have family down there and my daughter was real little, but we had friends. So we had a little bit of a village down there. so they were, some people would help pick up after

after school if I needed it and they'd bring her to the library and she would just hang out with me. And we had a nanny for a little while who would do that too. She'd just bring her up there and hang out for, cause sometimes we had evening events and so I'd have to stay later. but a lot of them, I'm a youth services librarian. So a lot of them were, she could come to and hang out. And my kids have always loved just coming to visit me at the library. So if my husband's off, sometimes he would pick them up early from

Amanda (02:42.894)
That's awesome.

Suzy Card (02:50.816)
preschool and bring them to visit, which was always really nice. yeah, making a schedule has always been or and being flexible. Like if something happens, because there's times where your kid's going to get sick and you have to go pick them up. so having a schedule and it helps to have a routine for the kids to like they know we're going to do this and this during the day and daddy's at work and we would video chat him every night so they get to talk to him.

But just, and then being flexible with that schedule because you just don't know what's gonna happen.

Amanda (03:27.84)
Yeah, I agree. I've learned now. I mean, I was a teacher and so my life used to be very regimented and everything went out the window once I had kids and I'm just getting back now into more of a structure rather than just kind of like a rhythm and flow. But also having a village of people to call on when things don't go as planned or there's an odd event like you said. So it's nice knowing that within our community outside of family.

that we have people that can show up for us and our kiddos. And I love that you have that in both places that you've lived. So that's awesome.

Suzy Card (04:05.901)
here it's really nice too. Like now my kids are both in elementary school and so we've made friends and we have people in the neighborhood. But I also, my husband works for a small department and so a lot of people don't live all in the same area but it's kind of like if I was over in Dallas I could call so-and-so because they live over there and so it's like I know that there's different people around who would be able to help if I needed the help.

Amanda (04:35.052)
That's awesome. One of the things that you mentioned is that you were a paramedic wife before you were a fire wife. And so I can relate. My husband and I met when we were 20. So he was just taking his fire science classes. He already had his EMT and was working with private ambulance company. Fast forward, you know, we're 16 years later, so things look very different, but I would never want to go back ever.

like that journey was brutal. I was working on my undergrad, I was working, you know, with work study to actually have an income myself. And he was grinding in his own way. It was rough. So can you share your experience?

Suzy Card (05:21.955)
Yeah, so I was the one working at the time when he was actually going through paramedic school. I was a librarian. I'd gotten my first job as a librarian and we moved to College Station. I mean, we didn't have kids then, so we just kind of were like, let's go on an adventure. I helped him through paramedic school. He worked at HEB. That's the big grocery store down here in Texas while he was in paramedic school. And then

He worked on a private ambulance also down there and he worked out in the counties. So a lot of it was, he had a lot of overtime and it was, it was getting used to that schedule for a while and just being flexible, knowing that he was like, there could be overtime. But like once he was through paramedic school, it was such a relief to him because he's always like wanted to be a firefighter. That's like been his dream.

And so when we first got together, was actually, he was in culinary school. And so I have a chef and he cooks a lot for us, which is nice. And then that was just, the hours were crazy working. so he, and the school was very expensive. And so, and then I got the job in College Station. So he was like, let's just go.

Amanda (06:28.15)
Wow. That's different.

Suzy Card (06:48.385)
And down at Texas A where we were, they have a really great paramedic school. And so it was like, just do it. This is something you want to do. And it was just great to see him excel and feel at home in the paramedic world. And eventually, we were down there for six years, and he was a paramedic for about five.

then we he went to fire academy up here actually he was gone for two weeks and back then we had just gotten the dog the older dog we have now so

Amanda (07:30.03)
So you're dealing with your like puppy phase, right?

Suzy Card (07:33.125)
And my daughter was only one, so I had like a newborn or puppy and then like a little kid. But I don't remember some of it because I was sleep deprived, right? But that dog, it was supposed to be his dog and his more my dog because I really trained her. so he went through Fire Academy and then he got offered a job pretty quickly afterwards at a fire department.

but it was up here in DFW and I was still working in College Station. And so he would drive the two and a half hours. A lot of times he'd come up the night before and he'd stay with family, like either my mom or his mom. And then he would drive to work in the morning, work for 24 hours and then drive the two and a half hours back home and be home for two days and then do it again. And we did this for three months before we were able to find a house up here because it's just...

The market has always been crazy and finding the money to put down as a new firefighter and me working. So it was hard sometimes. And sometimes he would stay up here for longer, especially if it was over a weekend. And I'd try to come up with our daughter and just stay up here, just be able to see him. During the beginning, he didn't get much overtime because he was a

a rookie. So I didn't have to really worry about overtime, but it was, it was rough for him and for us because it was like, we weren't seeing him very much, but he was also dealing with being a rookie in the fire department. Like even though he was a really great coming in as a really great paramedic, they still like, it's a different world. Like you have to start at the bottom and work your way up. And he's really passionate about being a firefighter. And so it was like,

Amanda (09:26.263)
Right.

Suzy Card (09:30.393)
He had to find his way in and where he fit in third dynamic to really feel like he fit in. So, but we, we ended up, found a house up here and we moved. So it didn't last for too long, but it was a rough few months, especially for him because he wasn't getting a lot of sleep either. So.

Amanda (09:53.452)
Right. So I can totally relate in John's journey with becoming a paramedic. He was commuting from Orange County all the way out into the desert. So it was over two hour commute for him. And I was working on my masters. And then we moved to Ventura because I got my teaching job out here. So he was now commuting almost four hours to go back and forth just, just for his paramedic job.

And then taking classes, he decided to, he got his AA and was like, okay, I'll go to school back and like try to finish my bachelor's because this commuting thing is killing me, you know? And I haven't gotten hired full time yet. So for the fire department. So he ended up then getting a job for Sacramento. So that's over six hours away from Ventura. So then he moved to Sacramento.

Suzy Card (10:36.324)
Yeah.

Amanda (10:52.084)
I stayed in Ventura until I could move up there. Then fast forward, kids, life, everything, right? We were in Sacramento for seven years. Then we moved back to Ventura because life was just chaotic. We wanted to be in the community that we loved. It was a very hard choice to make, but he was then commuting back to Sacramento over six hours. And those were like, I would, like I said, I would never want to go back.

Suzy Card (11:08.676)
Yeah.

Amanda (11:19.77)
And I honestly think those first few years of him being in like commuting from Orange County to the desert and even Ventura to the desert were harder in some ways than when we had kids because we really never saw each other. Not that we, we just, we didn't have the same reason to like be together. I know that sounds so bad, but it's true. was like, it was just me. So like, wasn't that big of a deal to be away for an extra day? So he was like.

Suzy Card (11:30.831)
Mm-hmm.

Suzy Card (11:45.593)
Yeah.

Amanda (11:46.678)
renting a room or he'd stay with my grandma depending on when it was thankfully she lived out there because it was expensive. You know, we're we're just starting out on our careers. Like we don't have a lot of money. And then when he was commuting from Ventura to Sacramento, I mean, I couldn't sleep because I was so stressed about him doing that drive. And that was did that for six months. So it was very stressful. We're in a new community, like rebuilding friendships and

Suzy Card (12:07.396)
Yeah.

Amanda (12:15.778)
He's driving all the way back there and I'm like, what are we doing? I have a 10 month old and a two year old and my husband is six hours away. like what I don't, my closest family is hours away. If something happens, I'm screwed. Like how did we decide this was a good adult parenting decision? But fast forward, you know, now he's local, which is really nice, but it's hard when like you're going through all of that and you're questioning.

Suzy Card (12:18.617)
Yeah.

Suzy Card (12:29.989)
NNNN

Suzy Card (12:34.287)
Right.

Amanda (12:43.31)
Are we making the right decision? Is this leading down the path that we're hoping it's going to lead down and how do we get through it? And somehow we do.

Suzy Card (12:46.02)
Yeah.

Suzy Card (12:53.133)
Yeah. yeah, for sure. Like it's just like you, you just buckle up and deal with it kind of thing. I mean, I think it really makes your relationship stronger though, because you're away from them and you kind of have to like figure out things on your own. Like we've figured out over the years, you know, like you have to do the maintenance on the car or call somebody for the overflowing toilet or, know, and you have to be okay with

Amanda (13:04.28)
for sure.

Suzy Card (13:22.809)
doing all that on your own. And I mean, you can call him and be like, this is happening. But he could be like, I don't know what to tell you. yeah, it's finding those people who will help you and support you too is really a big deal.

Amanda (13:41.206)
Yeah, I think if we looked at statistics, 99 % of the time the big problems happen when our partner is on duty and we're figuring it out. Like, why couldn't this have happened, you know, yesterday when you were home? Like, I just, I don't understand why, but we, like you said, it builds like our resilience and it shows our kids like what we can do. And it's hard, but we figure it out.

Suzy Card (13:54.565)
Right.

Yeah.

Suzy Card (14:09.059)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. mean, and seeing them be so passionate about the job too, though, like really feels like it's worth it because they're so happy and like excited to go to work most of the time. I mean, sometimes they're tired and they're like, I have to go back. But most of the time they're like excited to go fight a fire or, you know, whatever they're going to, they do a lot of training. And so my husband, he's also an instructor out at one of the fire schools now.

And so he loves a lot of the training that they get to do because he's doing it out there with the new students. And so they're figuring out new ways to fight fire and save lives and hopefully safer ways than back in the day. so yeah, it makes it worth it because you're seeing them excited and happy in their job.

Amanda (15:03.256)
For sure. mean, there's just being, you know, first responder family. Our kids are getting such a great insight into giving back to community and sacrificing for like something for us, for someone else. And being able to have that conversation with our kids all the time is hard. And, you know, I've had my son say plenty of times, well, can't we just call 911? Like, I want to, I want daddy to help me.

And we've had to navigate that, but it is amazing. Like seriously, they get to go hang out with some of the coolest people who put everything on the line, who continue education, give back in different ways with training and volunteering and doing all these things. Like you couldn't ask to be surrounded by better type of people. And it's very giving and it is very taxing. run crazy calls and we deal with so many things, but

Suzy Card (15:40.407)
Mm-hmm.

Amanda (16:00.652)
just the fact like you said that they're showing up doing something that really excites them and breeds life into them. It makes it easier when the toilet is overflowing and the sink isn't working and you're cleaning up whatever, figuring out the plumber, whatever, you know, like why is the smoke alarm beeping? It's 2 a.m. You know, it just...

Suzy Card (16:10.061)
Yeah.

Suzy Card (16:15.653)
Yeah. Yes, yes. And he's always really supported me. Like, we were together when I was getting my master's for library school. And so he's been there for me through all of that, too. And so it's nice to be able to, like, support them. And yeah, it's hard. It's, they're gone long hours and the kids have questions. And but like you said, they're seeing them.

care for others. And like my husband always says, he just has it in his heart that he wants to help people. He's always felt that way and that's really why he does his job because he wants to be there and be the one who runs in and helps someone.

Amanda (16:59.66)
Yeah, I think being able to connect with women like you and other women through the Fire Family Collective has been so validating because, years ago, I didn't have something like this and I felt so crazy. Like when I was going to my first mom's groups with my son, I was like, none of these women understand anything I'm going through. And it made it very hard and much more isolating.

Suzy Card (17:17.22)
Hehehe

Suzy Card (17:23.095)
Understand. Yeah.

Amanda (17:28.8)
We lived even further from family and I had to stop going. I couldn't walk in every week and just feel worse about myself and my circumstances. It was horrible, but it wasn't that bad, but it was in my head and I couldn't connect. So being able to have this new Fire Family Collector that we're bringing to life and hopefully whatever it is that, you know, our sisters are navigating.

we can connect with them and help them feel less alone and just seen and validated and we're walking alongside them in it. Like we can't fix it. We can't wave a magic wand. I can't fix your toilet in Dallas. I'm sorry, but I've been there and it sucks. So what else, you know, like we can do this together. We've done hard things. We will continue to do hard things. And it's just really nice knowing that we have people that truly get it.

Suzy Card (18:11.043)
Yeah.

Suzy Card (18:25.635)
Yeah, it's, I love it because even though we're all over the country, it's like we're still connecting and still making those connections. And like even here, it's hard because his department's small. And like, I know a lot of the wives and I have their phone numbers and I text them, but it's not like everyone has their own lives. Like a couple of them are nurses, so they work nights or, and...

they're not always available to chat. And so it's nice to have this other, the Firefighter Link Collective where I can reach out and somebody's going to get back to me eventually and feel, feel what I'm feeling with me. And so it's been really nice to have that. Yeah.

Amanda (19:07.212)
Well, and I feel like just having more isn't a bad thing sometimes. So, you know, when it's like, when it's just like our small department, sometimes, like you said, everyone has their extracurriculars, their own job, whatever it is, it's almost harder to get together with someone who's in your same department because they're on the same schedule as you. Like you need someone who's different schedule to actually be able to like make the connection. So I love that.

Suzy Card (19:12.801)
Yeah. More support is always good. Yeah.

Suzy Card (19:31.909)
Right.

Amanda (19:37.07)
One of the other.

Suzy Card (19:38.533)
And I totally get like the mom's group thing. Like I had trouble when we first moved up here, like connecting with people because everyone always thought it was so cool that I was married to a firefighter. And I'm like, yeah, it is cool, but you don't really understand. Like I'm alone a lot and I need somebody to just come hang out. And it was like people have their own things to do. so, yeah.

Amanda (20:04.438)
Yeah, the loneliness is very... Okay, so personally, I like Myspace and I like being alone, but it's different when you have kids. I don't know, it just changed everything for me. Like before, when we didn't have kids, I could not talk to anyone for two days and I was happy. Like I'd be in my routine, I'd go to my gym, do my thing. I did not need to...

Suzy Card (20:24.367)
Yeah.

Amanda (20:31.114)
have any socialization, but now with having kids like go crazy if I don't have adult conversation in some form. So it's really nice having this group of women to reach out to and just to connect with and feel like an adult, a human and not just isolated in motherhood.

Suzy Card (20:37.483)
Right. Yes, yes.

Suzy Card (20:51.715)
Yeah. And I was like the same when I first, because I was working in library, so I was like socializing all day. so being alone was like, okay, with me, was like, I get to go home and just like watch whatever I want or read a book, you know? And so, but yeah, like once you have kids, it's like, you're talking to your kids all day and you're around them. Or, I mean, you might go to work and then come home to them and you're, if your job, you're socializing at your job and you might be.

talking to adults, but it's different. You're working at the same time. And so like to come home and get on here and be like, my day was horrible. I had to do this, this and this. And for someone to be like, I see you is really wonderful.

Amanda (21:33.453)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I, so one of the things that I love to transition is because you're a librarian, you have some great books that you can recommend. So I want to make sure that we touch on those. And just in general, reading has been lifeblood for me and resurfaced just this past year. cause it was not on my radar in the, newborn years, but I love reading. love listening to books. I'm so thankful there's ways we can.

Suzy Card (22:01.861)
.

Amanda (22:06.292)
Access Books Audio Now that we did not have before. So can you share some of the books that you recommend for our unique Fire First Responder life?

Suzy Card (22:18.245)
So one of the ones I always recommend and we hand it to like other couples is the challenges of the firefighter marriage and It's by the gag lianos. It's a husband and wife and he goes around and I'm sorry if I say their last name wrong My husband's actually met him. He's gone to like a conference where he was speaking and so, you know, they've been doing it a long time and that book just has

It's from, it's mostly written by her. And so you get her like side of things, but there also are tips from him about like what he's learned along the journey and how to support his wife too. Yeah, it's a really great book. Like I said, we give it to a lot of the couples when they first joined the fire service. We're like, here, you need to read this because it's going to make your marriage stronger.

Amanda (22:55.512)
Cool.

Amanda (23:04.138)
Yeah, I'm definitely checking that out. I have been blessed to get to know some of the new firefighter partners, significant others, and it's just amazing. But like taking me back in time of that early years, I'm like, my gosh, like dredge up these memories and like, you know, I want to support them. So reading this will will be just another thing to support us all. So that's awesome.

Suzy Card (23:21.093)
You

Suzy Card (23:29.335)
Yeah, one that my husband and I recently read because as you and I have talked about a little bit, fitness and I recently became a yoga instructor. so I was, we have a company down here called First and they're actually going in and helping first responders with their mental health through workouts, through yoga, through counseling. But there's a book that

I was recommended and it's called Mindfulness for Warriors. And it's by Kim Kosklov. I think that's her last name. It's up on the Fire Family Collective. And it is a little bit darker because there are examples of what the first responders have been through. And you read through these stories and it was like, I was crying, but you feel more connected. you can, as a spouse, you get to see more

of what they go through. And so she's a first responder spouse and wrote this book to help others because she's going around and helping with mindfulness and like helping first responders figure out how to be more mindful so that they can calm their nervous system because of what they deal with.

Amanda (24:47.81)
Right, well, one of the things that I know that we've heard, you know, is the secondary trauma we experience as the partners of the first responders because, you know, they do debrief us on some things and it just having tools like this to help us support ourselves and support them is nice to just call upon when hopefully when we need it. And even though, you know, it might be more realistic, the

Mindfulness Warriors, like another one I want to check out for sure because it's hard. Like I don't always know what they go through and I can't have complete empathy because I'm not on the ambulance. I'm not in the fire engine. Like I'm not in that burning house with them. I can only imagine. So having another resource to help me help them is, is always nice.

Suzy Card (25:38.445)
Yeah, I mean, yeah, and they don't always want to talk about what they've been through either because it's hard. mean, especially since like once we had kids, any call that involves a child has been really a lot harder for my husband. And sometimes he wants to come home and talk about it a little, especially if they were able to help the child. But sometimes he doesn't want it. He's like, I had a bad call today. I don't want to talk about it.

Amanda (26:06.305)
Yeah.

Suzy Card (26:07.287)
and you just have to be there to support them.

Amanda (26:10.572)
Yeah, I think that's one of the most challenging things of us living within the same city now that my husband is working for is that we drive around and there's a lot of triggers. I ran a call here and I, you know, I'm like, ugh, I didn't think about that before. And when we were in Sacramento, we lived like 30 minutes away from his department, even though we were in the same county, it just, you know, the city. So.

he didn't have that same type of triggering as often. We did go downtown, he would be like, that building was on fire and I ran that call there and this is the ice blocks and as horrible as it is, it was cool. But it's different being in the same vicinity every day and having that side of it. And then the cool side of it is we get to see him if he's on duty and.

Suzy Card (26:59.461)
Yeah.

Amanda (27:04.514)
he forgot his towel at home or he needs more food because he's staying another day or they're having, it's father's day and he's at work. So we get to go visit him at the station more easily. There's a lot of perks to it too.

Suzy Card (27:06.276)
Yeah.

Suzy Card (27:17.527)
Yeah, I mean we're about 30 minutes away from where my husband is and so we still go visit him especially like on holidays and stuff or if it's a weekend we'll go out and hang out because now they are on a 48.96 shift which is actually really nice because he gets more time at home he gets more downtime to decompress and so but yeah we can

I've taken things to him after I've dropped the kids off at school. He called me and he's like, I forgot blah, blah, blah. So I'll run it over to him. So he is a little bit farther from like where he's working, which I guess is nice and stuff. But we go through that city a lot when we're going other places. So sometimes there's Yeah.

Amanda (28:11.074)
But yeah, I think it's just the nature of the job. Anything can really remind them of it, right? Yeah. Well, last thing, is there any, before we hang up, before we end, is there anything you wanted to chat about that we didn't talk about so far?

Suzy Card (28:16.613)
Mm-hmm.

Suzy Card (28:30.925)
I mean as a librarian I also put on the Fire Family Collective like books for kids too because there's so many good books out there. There's some that aren't as great but as a librarian I you know I see all of them as they come through the library and I like to read them now because I'm like oh my husband's fire writer or the kids are like oh this book's about daddy and then sometimes when you look at them they're not the greatest but some of them are really great and they like give examples of the

day to day like what they're doing and the inside of the firehouse and so I have a list up there. I mean I'm always available for more recommendations though too.

Amanda (29:10.446)
Yeah, I love that you mentioned that and I forgot I have it written down here and some of the books that you mentioned on the Fire Family Collective like we already have for our kids and there's more to check out and I actually got a new book for the kids and I don't know where it is right now but yeah, so check out the Fire Family Collective. We have so many great resources in there. We are so grateful to be in community with you, Suzy. Thank you for taking time to chat with us today.

Suzy Card (29:40.101)
Thank you.