Supporting a Loved One with PTSD

In this conversation, Heather Arnzen shares her journey as a firewife navigating the complexities of family life, homeschooling, and the challenges of PTSD within her marriage. She discusses the importance of vulnerability, community support, and self-care, while also addressing the ongoing struggles and growth that come with being a partner to a first responder. Heather emphasizes the need for open communication, understanding, and resilience in the face of adversity, ultimately highlighting the strength found in shared experiences and support systems.

This episode includes discussion of suicide, which may be difficult for some listeners. Please take care while listening. If you or someone you know is struggling, you can call or text the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988 for support.

Takeaways

• Being open and vulnerable can strengthen relationships.
• Homeschooling can provide flexibility for families with unpredictable schedules.
• Finding a supportive community is crucial for mental health.
• PTSD can manifest in subtle ways that affect relationships.
• Crisis situations can lead to significant personal growth.
• It's important to advocate for oneself and loved ones in mental health situations.
• Self-care is essential for partners of first responders.
• Recognizing and addressing resentment is key to healthy relationships.
• Children can be affected by their parents' mental health struggles.
• Surviving difficult times can lead to newfound strength and resilience.

Mentioned resources

First Responder Wellness 

Transcript

Ventura Fire Foundation (02:10.786)
Yeah. Okay. Here we go. All right. Welcome to the fire family collective podcast. I am Amanda and I am so thrilled we get to chat with Heather today. Thanks for being with us, Heather.

Heather Arnzen (02:23.446)
Yeah, absolutely.

Ventura Fire Foundation (02:25.516)
We are so excited. Heather is a Southern California Firewife like myself. We have multiple children. She is also a homeschool mama. So I feel lucky that I have someone who has some similarities with me and we're going to hear more about her. Heather, can you tell us a little about yourself?

Heather Arnzen (02:46.124)
Yeah, absolutely. I'm Heather. I've been with my husband Jared for like 15 plus years now, I wanna say. Or maybe this is our 15th anniversary. Not married, but together for 15 years. We have three kids. Our oldest is 10, middle is six, and youngest is three.

I am a stay at home mom. I've been a stay at home mom since we had my daughter, my middle child. And then we have been homeschooling for the last three and a half years with our kids.

Ventura Fire Foundation (03:25.644)
Awesome. So what were you doing before when you still were working full time or when you had your first kiddo?

Heather Arnzen (03:33.934)
So I ended up, we had our first child young, like some people do, that was us. So I ended up dropping out of college when I got pregnant. I had high risk pregnancies for all three, but I was very sick with all of them, but my first, I ended up dropping out of college and my husband was going into the fire academy that year. So it was a lot of big changes, lot on our.

for being very young, but it taught us how to grow up. We grew up real quick. And then I ended up after he was born, I worked for a cafe. I ended up going into management basically for the cafe up until I was pregnant with my daughter.

Ventura Fire Foundation (04:09.218)
Yeah.

Ventura Fire Foundation (04:25.236)
think that's so relatable. So many people like, we don't just have this like easy breezy life. We're like, literally thrown into the fire, right? Like, the world piles it on. Okay, your husband partner is going to start the fire Academy, you're gonna be pregnant your whole life trajectory that you thought a few months ago is like gonna look totally different. Now. Here we go.

Heather Arnzen (04:35.707)
yeah.

Heather Arnzen (04:48.718)
Yep, that's what me and my husband always joke. We're like, oh, this is what life has for us now. Like we've just gotten used to it and kind of accepted that life is going to throw us curveballs and you just roll with it or you kind of sit in misery. So you get to choose.

Ventura Fire Foundation (05:00.343)
Yeah.

Ventura Fire Foundation (05:04.386)
Yes. Yeah, your perspective really matters with, you know, how you roll with the punches and handle life and ride the wave. So how did how did you decide to homeschool? Where did that decision come from? Did you know that you always wanted that? Did that come out of like a specific instance?

Heather Arnzen (05:16.236)
Exactly.

Heather Arnzen (05:29.006)
so we did not think we would be homeschooling when our first was younger. and then COVID happened and our youngest was going into TK and well, he was supposed to go into kindergarten. We held him back for TK cause we were like, he is not doing zoom school for kindergarten. No way we'll do that. So he gets to do two years of kindergarten. And so we put him in with just a public school for the TK.

He, I think, did maybe six weeks at the end of the year actually in person and the rest was all the online school. And then after that, we were like, okay, what are we gonna actually do for kindergarten? What are we gonna do moving forward? And we found a local charter school that does three days on campus, two days at home. And with obviously the changing fire schedule, we were like, this would be great. It gives us more chance to actually have a weekend when my husband's home.

versus he might be working on the weekend and never get to see our kids. So we started there. We did that for two years. And then it just really wasn't working for us very much anymore. There's just some stuff going on with the school. Our son was not, he didn't like going as much anymore. And then we found, we had made a couple friends who were already homeschooling. And they're like, you should just try it.

Ventura Fire Foundation (06:26.978)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (06:55.468)
Like you're already practically doing it. Just try it, see what it is. And we were like, you know what? Our daughter was then going into TK that year. And we were like, let's try it, let's do it. And ever since, it's like every year we've grown to love it even more.

Ventura Fire Foundation (07:11.662)
That's awesome. I feel like because of the FIRE schedule, like you said, homeschooling, you had that hybrid option initially with the charter, which is fantastic. But you just, the unpredictable schedule for our partners, like to know that it doesn't matter what day of the week you're off from their schedule, like they'll get to see dad. They'll get to have that time together is really nice.

Heather Arnzen (07:37.578)
Yeah, we definitely use it to our advantage.

Ventura Fire Foundation (07:41.476)
Yeah. And so now you're, said your oldest is 10. So you've been doing it for a few years.

Heather Arnzen (07:49.374)
Yeah, yeah, so I think this was our third year actually homeschooling.

Ventura Fire Foundation (07:55.492)
Yeah, and how is he liking it?

Heather Arnzen (07:59.924)
we, he loves it. We love it. it took us kind of a couple years to figure out the kinks of what, how each kid learns. Both our kids learn in different ways, figuring out what kind of workload can I actually manage as their homeschool teacher? what can I support them with? What is too much for me to be taking on? What is just too much fighting and we're not actually learning versus how are we going to learn?

So that was something that I feel like going into this school year. We just rocked it from the start We kind of figured it out. So that's been a big Big shift that's been so positive for us and then finding your community has been huge for us We found our first kind of year We didn't have like we had our couple that I mentioned that did homeschool But we didn't have a big homeschooling committee or community around us

Ventura Fire Foundation (08:27.863)
Yeah.

Ventura Fire Foundation (08:33.998)
Great.

Heather Arnzen (08:56.222)
We have one in the area, but we just didn't find where we fit. And then last year we really worked on focusing on finding different groups, different people, finding who like mashed all of that with us. And this year we went into the year with our group and it has been the biggest blessing for us to have. I'm surrounded by other moms who we all raise our kids the same. care about friendship. care about

community. care about doing what's right. And so those kids have grown around, supported our family. Our kids have shown up for them. We really have our community and I'm so grateful for that.

Ventura Fire Foundation (09:41.54)
for you. Yeah, I love that for you. similarly Hudson is in first grade. Harlow's in TK this year. We started to homeschool when Hudson was in kindergarten. He didn't make the TK cutoff here in California, but our homeschool community has just blossomed for us. My husband had hip surgery a few weeks ago and the group leader of the

co-op that were in texted me and was like, I would love to set up a meal train for you. We've had like over 25 meals set up for us. It's unfathomable, something that you don't even think of and how much it actually impacts your life. And like you said, your kids are surrounded by these incredible.

kids and other adults that are pouring into your kids and loving on your kids and the examples that you want your kids to be surrounded by the types of peers you want your kids to be growing up alongside and having letting your kids have the autonomy to learn and explore the things that they're interested in with the homeschool curriculum and ways that you enrich their lives but also like giving them that social aspect and being around other adults it's just so

It's such a blessing if you're able to, and it's in your wheelhouse of capacity and what you want to provide for your family. So that's so cool hearing that it's going so well for you. And I love hearing it, because we got to all be in together. That's awesome. So I love that. then you've been together with your significant other about the same time as me and my husband. started dating when we were 20. So we just celebrated.

Heather Arnzen (11:06.081)
Yeah.

Ventura Fire Foundation (11:27.076)
16 years together, which is crazy. I don't feel like I'm old enough to say that. I'm like, it's only been like eight years, right? Like I'm not that old. And I think that, like you said, we grew up together. We were babies when we met and then adding kids in and adding the fire service and adding in, you know, who Heather is, Amanda is as a person, like we're growing alongside each other. We're growing together and

Heather Arnzen (11:36.384)
Yeah, right.

Ventura Fire Foundation (11:57.763)
Being in FIRE, know, First Responder World, it really impacts things differently and you have gone through something really unique and I was wondering if you could share more about your husband's experience with his PTSD and his, that journey.

Heather Arnzen (12:16.846)
Yeah, absolutely. So I mean, like you said, we do, we grow, we will evolve. So you kind of understand the growing up together. So I definitely resonate with that. But going back to the PTSD aspect, my husband had suffered a lot of PTSD work related. He also had some childhood stuff. So with anyone kind of.

background on PTSD or anxiety or your nervous system. It's kind of rooted in how you were your childhood and it impacts you and shows up in different ways, especially now as you grow as you're an adult, as you're a firefighter thrown into circumstances that your nervous system is firing off like crazy. And so that's kind of what happened to my husband. He

struggled a lot with PTSD, but it showed up in ways that it was really difficult for me as a partner to even notice or recognize or see. I more so saw it as like, is going on with her relationship? Like what is happening? he, I like the things that made me kind of where I noticed the kind of shift of what was happening was he was just lying about really dumb things. Like not the big lies, not the...

Ventura Fire Foundation (13:27.232)
Bye.

Heather Arnzen (13:42.518)
Not the ones where you hear like, my gosh, for that person. No, it was just like the simplest, smallest things of lying. And I was like, why are you lying about something so dumb? Like, why are you lying that you forgot to pick up the soda I asked you to pick up on the way home? Like, what is going on? Like, why is that? So it was really simple things that was impacting our relationship. And then I perceived it as what's going on with our relationship when

what was going on with him was he was really suffering from his PTSD. He was picking up more overtime, just working like a workaholic. He was struggling that shift when he came off shift and balancing the family and balancing the kids. Our youngest was just maybe five months old when I noticed the shift of something's really wrong. So we were balancing the newborn, all of that. And I felt like

Ventura Fire Foundation (14:35.17)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (14:40.788)
Up until that time, we were always working together as a team of we can accomplish anything. We can show up together. We can deal with having a kid young. We can figure it out. You're going to go to the fire academy. You're going to do paramedic school twice. Like all these kind of things that like just came our way. And it was just like, I was like, what? I'm alone. Like what is going on? Like I can't, nothing I say, nothing I communicate. Like nothing is getting through to him and I don't know what's happening.

come to find out is just him kind of trying to shield himself from the PTSD, from the impact from him coming home full of shame, from him coming home seeing he has low like raising his voice, different things where it's he's not coming home the person he wants to be off shift. so that was a real like I would say that was May 2023 was that shift of something's wrong. He had started

Ventura Fire Foundation (15:38.925)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (15:40.782)
therapy, he saw a psychiatrist for some stuff, and it was just like not, I didn't, I wasn't noticing a difference on my side. I know in every, I couldn't say anything because then he was working hard on himself, but then if I said anything, I'm trying to trigger that shame again of look, I'm trying. Like why, why is this not good enough? I'm trying when in reality, like I wasn't aware.

Ventura Fire Foundation (15:58.852)
Right.

Ventura Fire Foundation (16:07.054)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (16:09.368)
of all the PTSD or his real deeper struggles. So it was just more so now I'm aware and can kind of, I've processed a lot of it and can see just different aspects of what was actually going on. And so then in October of 2023, he ended up attempting suicide. It was very traumatic, obviously, as anyone would expect.

Ventura Fire Foundation (16:31.982)
Sorry.

Ventura Fire Foundation (16:36.26)
question.

Heather Arnzen (16:38.51)
And if I start laughing, that's just like my reaction of like, I really struggle and I make jokes when I'm struggling because it's like my protection of crying. So I don't want to sound insensitive. That's just like my, everyone has different reactions and I'm the person that like cracks jokes about things. So I don't cry. But so in October of 2023, he attempted suicide. It was

Ventura Fire Foundation (16:49.668)
Right. Well, either laughing or crying is totally

Heather Arnzen (17:07.222)
really unexpected because I had thought, like I had finally kind of noticed a shift of things where really like he was working on different aspects of like just things for himself. And so I thought things were getting better and in reality it was much worse than I anticipated. And so then our kids were asleep. I had found him.

It was really scary. He was okay. He was okay. He didn't harm himself severely like some cases. But I had to call 911. I had to call them to get help. I mean, my first thought was like, don't do the sirens. Don't wake up my kids. They can't know this is happening today.

Ventura Fire Foundation (18:05.593)
immediate mama bear mode like I need to protect my kids.

Heather Arnzen (18:06.752)
like, yes, I was like crying on the phone, like, please just like, don't don't be loud, like, don't do this. And so then they ended up taking him up to like just the local county mental health to be like put on the 5150 basically. And so that was kind of when my life flipped upside down from that moment on.

Ventura Fire Foundation (18:27.737)
Yeah.

Ventura Fire Foundation (18:34.725)
or youngest was not even a year yet.

Heather Arnzen (18:39.222)
Yeah, he was like nine months old, just around nine months old. So he wasn't a year yet. Our middle was four and then our oldest was what, eight, I think, around eight. So I ended up reaching out, finding, ironically, like the week before, our local department had for some,

any of the Fire Wives who wanted to go like a mental health, a first responder mental health workshop. And so I had one of the like flyers for it of who was on our like the team of like, I can't think of what it's called, but the team that like is there to support other families in the department. Yeah.

Ventura Fire Foundation (19:13.828)
Timing the.

Ventura Fire Foundation (19:25.666)
Yeah, mental health support. Yeah. Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (19:29.678)
So then I ended up calling one of the guys that one of his captains that he had had previously was on that list. And I was like, I'm going to call him. I don't know what to do. Like, I don't know what to do from like here. Like what is happening? And he was probably the biggest blessing in all of us. He was so amazing, so supportive. He helped guide me through the whole process of everything that kind of happened.

He found support and this was all at like three in the morning. He ironically was coming. He's like, I was like, I'm so sorry for calling you. Like I just, need help. I don't know what to do. I don't know who to call. need help. And he's like, I just got back from a call. Like he was at the station. He's like, you didn't wake me up. I literally walked in from a call. So I was like, okay, well, thank you. And then.

Ventura Fire Foundation (20:19.191)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (20:22.318)
It was kind of just a roller coaster ride from there. I mean, I could dive deeper into it. I don't know. I could talk for a long time about everything. Or if you have, I don't know if there's like any specific question.

Ventura Fire Foundation (20:35.33)
what I don't know I where wherever you want to go this is your you know story to share and I don't have a time limit so what I want to respect your time I definitely have questions so I'm yeah and then if there's anything

Heather Arnzen (20:47.265)
Okay.

Heather Arnzen (20:52.822)
Okay, maybe I'll just go through like a brief summary of like the rest of it. So from there, he ended up, we ended up getting connected to a place called First Responder Wellness. And he ended up going to there. He went through the program actually twice because the first time it was just not helping him. And that's where like my guard was up a lot more. I felt like I was advocating a lot.

Ventura Fire Foundation (20:56.076)
Yeah. Yeah.

Ventura Fire Foundation (21:04.964)
Mm-hmm.

Heather Arnzen (21:22.958)
and not getting listened to by his therapist that was there at the time. That therapist is no longer there. But I felt like I was like, this, he's not fine. Like I'm getting these calls, I'm getting whatever, like the process of, and I was like, this is not, he's playing you guys. He's telling you the right answers to get out of it. Like he know he's figuring out the system. Like he has mental health. Like at that point I was like, just trust my gut in all of it. And so then I felt like I just kept,

Ventura Fire Foundation (21:49.803)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (21:52.448)
like getting a response of like, well, it's me stressing that it's not good enough, like kind of thing. I, and I just kept like, I stuck to my gun, stuck to my gut. And I was like, well, that's fine. Like, but I'm telling you, like, from what I see, I've known him for how long, like he's playing you. And so then it came to, after he came home, he was able to come visit us like two times before Christmas. And then after Christmas, he didn't return home to us on the weekends for visitation.

Ventura Fire Foundation (22:08.834)
You know

Heather Arnzen (22:22.85)
He ended up a couple days after New Year's, I ended up getting a call from them saying they were transferring him to a higher level of care facility because he was having more suicidal ideations and comments about it. And I was just like, hmm, wow. You guys could have listened to me two months ago in the beginning when I'm telling you this. anyways, was, yeah, it was just like.

Ventura Fire Foundation (22:39.843)
Yeah, you're like, I told you.

Heather Arnzen (22:50.51)
also a shocker. And then it calls from him of like, you need to help me get out of here. Like they're making me go somewhere else. And then I was just like, I don't know, like this has got to be like your rock bottom. I've supported you through everything I possibly can. Like you need to get your help and your treatment with your PTSD. need to find tools how to use it. having like, it's not normal to be

having suicidal ideations. And if you're not recognizing that's not normal, like I can't have you in the house. Like it's not safe, you know? So that's where my walls came just straight back up. He ended up going to a higher care facility for, I think it was like three weeks, maybe it was four. And that's where I think he finally realized like he was struggling. Like he was almost in denial.

Ventura Fire Foundation (23:25.698)
Right. I can't imagine.

Heather Arnzen (23:47.456)
I think it was a case of denial of nothing's wrong with me. I shouldn't be here. I don't need to be here, like type of thing. And then that was finally like, at shift where he really recognized, okay, maybe there is like more to it. And so then he ended up transferring back to first responder wellness. ended up getting a whole new therapist. had a different like team there.

And they were like rock stars. They were amazing. Like he worked hard, like worked through a lot. By the end of it, we ended up doing, they have a family week where like the spouses or if like some people, like the parent of them come or older, if they have older kids, they can come. They also treat other things like,

like alcohol or drug abuse type of things, which are also like going through the program, realizing like a lot of those people that are dealing with those, like that's actually not that's surface level issue. It goes back into a lot of the PTSD and experience and them not finding good ways to cope with the trauma that they experience. So I was able to meet some other

spouses. I actually have like a really great friend who her husband went through the program. The same time as my husband. That family week is absolutely it's amazing. It's really eye opening. You learn a lot about just the impact on of PTSD in the fire service or the first responder service because there are a lot of places as well that have gone through that program. And I feel like it was just like

something, it was just a transformative week, really. And then from that on, he went a couple days a week, slowly. Then by the end of April, 2024, I want to say he was back home. He went to light duty for work, so he didn't go straight back into working. And then a couple months later, he went back into working.

Ventura Fire Foundation (25:47.886)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (26:11.478)
And I feel like it's been like a lot of shifts and navigating like he didn't come out of the program with no more people and didn't cure his PTSD. It didn't cure, you know, like, I feel like people look for the answer of like, just take the pill and you're better or just do this and everything works out and that's not life. Life isn't like that. So there's been struggles up and down with dealing or recognizing I feel like.

I am really grateful that we both have kind of worked on a team. I'm able to like recognize like when he is struggling or when he is coming home from work that maybe that shift really wasn't a great work shift and it brought up something from the past or something that has been traumatic to him and kind of navigating our way to having space for each other as well as like the impact of

how going through this has impacted me, myself, as his spouse, and kind of the road that we've been through. So I feel like we've come out stronger, but it's a lot.

Ventura Fire Foundation (27:19.82)
Yeah, that's wild. can't. Yeah, I mean, obviously you and I are not medical professionals. I cannot give any medical advice and you have gotten some really great tools and resources it seems like through this process. And I'm glad that you had that person in the department you could call in the middle of the night for peer support and help guide you and navigate you. And your husband was able to get the various levels of care. And it's not

some magic wave the wand situation where he spends six weeks in his program and comes out just like unscathed and my gosh so many things like I think of initially I didn't sign up for this like as a partner of a first responder you 100 support their dreams you think they're incredible being the people that run into the burning buildings

And also there's a lot of unseen ways that they are affected that trickle into your relationship and to parenting. And you saw one of the extreme cases of it and you're still living it. I don't know that you'll ever not have that in the back of your mind. And I think that we glorify these like heroes of first responders in so many ways and we forget that

every time they go to shift and every time they come home, there's trauma and it's repeated, right? These little things stacking up over time. How are we as partners equipped to support them? And I think that that's an area of growth that could definitely benefit because if we're kind of like trained in an official unofficial capacity,

they're going to be better when they return to work and when they're off duty. And a side note, I'm grateful that the foundation here in our local area did do a peer support training version for partners a few years ago. But I mean, we could benefit from that every year or something like that. Especially as a new partner or new hire partner like.

Heather Arnzen (29:31.916)
Yeah, absolutely.

Ventura Fire Foundation (29:38.274)
you know, when they're going through their academy, kind of having like our own academy as a partner of like, this is the type of support that your other might need. This is the type of signs you could be looking for. Here's some resources and you know, one day isn't enough, but one day is better than nothing. And I just think that having somewhere.

Heather Arnzen (29:46.103)
yeah.

Ventura Fire Foundation (30:03.308)
like the Fire Family Collective that you can go to and ask those questions. Like, my husband's doing these silly lies. Is that a sign of something? Whatever it is, you know you have this safe, vetted space with women who get it with resources and connections. Like, have you heard of first responder wellness? Here's a list of therapists that are

Heather Arnzen (30:14.797)
Yeah.

Ventura Fire Foundation (30:32.333)
specific for first responders. They're culturally competent. They work in your area. If you want someone who is local and you can actually go in in person or we can do telehealth because you have three kids and maybe getting into the office isn't possible. Like having somewhere where you have this like hub you can come to and connect. I hope that's something that we can continue to build and add on and have this vast variety of things and

I just can't imagine like you said going through this and having a nine month old and two other kids that depend on you and feeling like I need to protect my little babies and I also I love you like I gave you my heart I've grown up with you and I don't know I'm torn of like how do I take care of Heather how do I take care of my three babies how do I be there for my significant other trying to navigate all of that like that sounds really hard

Heather Arnzen (31:12.204)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (31:28.106)
Yeah, it was definitely, I made it through. I'm here today, right? I ironically had just started a scheduled like a with a new therapist and started therapy a week after I had scheduled it like a month before because she had a waitlist a week after the events. So that was just like timing was miraculous.

Ventura Fire Foundation (31:33.06)
Yes.

Ventura Fire Foundation (31:47.725)
Yeah.

Ventura Fire Foundation (31:52.75)
So the universe took care of you because you had that like peer support family day a week before and you had there after it was like, somehow the universe knew this was like coming to a head and trying to anchor Heather in with how it could.

Heather Arnzen (31:58.53)
Yes.

Heather Arnzen (32:03.69)
Yeah. absolutely. And so I feel like my biggest stress was just like, how are we going to do this? Because we didn't know with work comp, we didn't know if it was going to be covered under work comp because it happened at home, what's going to happen? How's the process? No one had ever experienced that at his department.

Um, so that was just very scary, like financially coming into Thanksgiving, Christmas, all of this of how, how I'm a stay at home mom. I can't work more hours. How, how are we going to pay for this? How are we going to survive this? Um, and we had a community like come together and help us a lot to get through. And then it was like, I think a week before Christmas, we found out it was covered through work comp. Um, so that ball kind of got rolling and that was a lot of relief.

just financially. And then it was a lot of figuring out how to support my kids. That was like my biggest priority. I threw myself to the back of it all and was like, how am going to support them? I had told them, dad, dad went back to shift that night, the next morning. They're like, where's dad? And I was like, he got, he got called in to shift. Like, I don't know how, do you navigate this with your kids? And so then,

We opened up, we told them, we explained to them in the best way that we thought for their ages and everything of dads. It's like when you're sick, but dad's got some sick in his head and it's going, they're going, they're going to there to help them. Basically, like it's like a cut, like cut doesn't heal overnight. Right. So sometimes they do, sometimes they don't, but it was a deep cut and dad needed to get help was basically what we explained to her two.

older kids. And then from there, luckily, our oldest, well, not luckily, our oldest has some sensor processing and OCD. And so he had already been with a therapist since he was five. So we already had her had that support. So we were very lucky and fortunate that we already had that we didn't have to go finding someone. So she was very extremely supportive to the kiddos. And then we ended up

Ventura Fire Foundation (34:12.771)
Great. Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (34:27.05)
my daughter ended up struggling severely with anxiety around the New Year time. She ended up developing an autoimmune. She ended up with alopecia just from the stress. The doctor said it was stress triggered and she had started seeing the therapist as well just because of the shift of that. That wasn't the life they were used to. And then for me, had luckily

already started with my therapist. So I had her there to support me every step of the way. And then I had a few core friends who were checking in. I will say it was very difficult because I didn't feel seen in all of it. I felt like besides my core friends that were checking on me and then obviously my therapist, everyone else, the department, like the...

Ventura Fire Foundation (35:14.317)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (35:26.84)
family friends, like every, it felt like everyone else was just, how's he doing? What's going on with him? How's it, how's, what's going on? When is he going? And it felt really hard to manage it all of like, how, do you mean? How am I doing? Like I, wanting to scream of like, does no one see that I'm struggling like to stay afloat?

Ventura Fire Foundation (35:45.687)
Yes.

Heather Arnzen (35:51.702)
I'm struggling managing three kids. My youngest just turned one and my husband's not here for his first birthday. Like, so I felt like as much as that struggled, I now have a strength of like, I know, I understand I live this and now I will never like, allow myself to put myself into a situation like that where I'm not voicing my

Ventura Fire Foundation (35:57.656)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (36:17.292)
feelings I'm not hiding like because it was also me. was hiding from everyone. It was I have to take that accountability of I'm everyone's checking on him, but I'm also hiding myself because I'm scared.

Ventura Fire Foundation (36:19.435)
Yes.

Ventura Fire Foundation (36:29.323)
Right? You can answer like, thank you for asking about Jared. And here's how the kids and I are doing. And this is what would be supportive. If you can step up in this way, I would really appreciate it. But like you said, if you're not voicing that and you're hiding it, not that people aren't thinking of you, but they don't know what you need. Right? Like I don't

Heather Arnzen (36:43.374)
Yes.

Heather Arnzen (36:49.794)
They don't know how to help. They probably have never supported someone through this, you know?

Ventura Fire Foundation (36:54.84)
I don't know the statistic on that, yeah, to know someone who has attempted suicide is probably not that high. So I don't know what you mean. yeah, to have someone who says like, you know, Heather, how can I support you? It seems like Jared's in the facility. Like, let me know. I would love an update from him, but like.

I want to support you Heather and the three kids. So can I come over and take them to the park in the neighborhood so you can get some quiet time? Or can I pick up your groceries? If you do an order, I'll bring it to your house and then make you dinner. Like whatever it is, like I want to show up for you. I have time off of work. I can take a sick day and have the kids like whatever it is. Like it's so nice that people can think of it, but if not use our voice and, and say, you know what, actually I need this.

Heather Arnzen (37:32.695)
Yes.

Ventura Fire Foundation (37:47.053)
Here's a couple things. Is there any way you can spot one of them?

Heather Arnzen (37:49.421)
Yeah.

I will say too, it is overwhelming because I did get some of that at the very beginning, that first like two weeks of like kind of those messages coming in. But I was just so overwhelmed of like, what is going on? What is my life? Like not knowing like, again, the financial aspect of like, what is happening? Like, because at that moment in the beginning, I felt like I didn't even know who my husband was as a person anymore.

Ventura Fire Foundation (38:04.332)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (38:19.116)
I felt like this is just someone totally different and like, what is going on with my life? What did I, I have three kids. I don't know who this person is anymore. And so it was, I feel like overwhelming, but I feel like a good way would be like to continue to check it, you know, like that, because it does get overwhelming of everyone wants to know what's going on. And then you feel like you just shut the door. So you're like, I can't like, this is overwhelming. And then it's,

Ventura Fire Foundation (38:28.333)
You're like, this is alternate reality.

Heather Arnzen (38:48.264)
definitely was difficult to ask for help. But now I feel like I've learned, I've grown, I'm capable, I'm strong, and I know how to advocate for myself and not just like I felt like I was just advocating for my husband at that time too.

Ventura Fire Foundation (39:01.687)
Right. It's like when you have a newborn and everyone's like, how's the baby and you're like, well, baby's fine. What about me? Like, I'm not doing well. I need this. And like you said, the first two days, the first two weeks, people are checking in and then it trickles off and two months in you're like, I'm still drowning and we're facing a new challenge or when he comes back home and you have integration reintegration from that, like what does that look like? And what support do you need now that he's back home and

Heather Arnzen (39:09.687)
Yup.

Ventura Fire Foundation (39:30.913)
you're all adjusting to that. And like you said, reconnecting with this different version of him and your different version of yourself, because you've just survived. And what secondary PTSD do you have from all of this?

Heather Arnzen (39:45.506)
Yeah. yeah, absolutely.

Ventura Fire Foundation (39:49.334)
And it takes people like you, Heather, being bold and brave and vocalizing, because it's not easy. I mean, I don't think it's easy to hide in the dark either, but we appreciate you being authentic and standing in your power and shining your light on a situation that is very dark and showing us, am on the other side of this, but also I'm still,

sure they're still lingering things. It's not just again that magic wand waved and Jared's fine and Heather's fine and the kids are fine. Like what does that look like for you now two and a half years later?

Heather Arnzen (40:28.672)
I feel like I have learned a lot of tools myself. I didn't realize I feel like in the beginning it was a lot of I didn't see the perspective that now I see of like I was struggling and it was more so like he I felt very immature in a way of he's doing this because he's mad at me or whatever like I like very relationship wise like almost too attached now I've realized like

discovered myself more as an individual. I've worked a lot on discovering things I like to do, making time for myself, which is hard with the Fire Life. It's hard to prioritize. It's hard to know their shift schedule of like, can you actually go do this watercolor class? What's gonna be the backup option if he's not home and he gets forced? How are you gonna tell your husband who's just been on a 72, you gotta take the kids for two hours because I need self care time.

because I felt like I was a lot of guilt of, he just worked. Like, I can't ask him for more. I need to, you know, like, and it wasn't him putting that on me. It was just my own guilt of, look, I'm staying at home. I'm the lucky one. Like, so it's learning how to, I feel like a lot was learning how to discover myself as a person separate, especially because we were together young. I was 16 and he was 18, like.

When we first started dating, we grew up together. So I'd never experienced life as an individual really. So it was learning how to separate, but it made us come together even more in a sense of his PTSD wasn't caused by me. It wasn't something that like nothing I could have done at the time would have changed it. Coming to acceptance of that, coming to acceptance of no matter how good of a wife, a partner, how...

cleaner house was how what you know, like none of that would have changed the impacts he had on his life. And coming to like separate that helped me a lot in this way. I'd say there still is husband in the last since he came home, there's waves, there are going to be waves, know, people have good days, people have bad days. I feel like the biggest thing that has helped us get to where we are now is just me continuing to advocate.

Heather Arnzen (42:54.218)
and continuing to advocate for myself as well to not fall into almost cycles of like where I'm recognizing, hey, he's dealing with shame right now. He's being, he's arguing back over something so silly because for some reason he's dealing with shame. Like I can recognize the feelings, the emotions, but it's not the walking on eggshells because before it, it was that constant walking on eggshells.

Ventura Fire Foundation (43:19.906)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (43:23.502)
of when that shift happened of something's going on, something's wrong, just walking, like don't set off the bear. you know, and now it's able to be, like I'm able to see, oh, like he's dealing with whatever from work. He had a bad shift from work. He didn't sleep the last two nights and he's grumpy and I can be like, what do you need? How are you gonna take care of yourself? I'm not, I can't do anything for you. I can't make this better for you.

Ventura Fire Foundation (43:44.536)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (43:51.156)
you're going to recognize and you're going to do that. just setting that firm, almost boundary of like, you need to continue working on yourself. And I will continue working on myself has been the biggest, I think the biggest shift overall in our relationship dynamic that has been, it led us to where like to continue, you know, like not that we, not that it's not.

I don't know how to say it, but like, not that we were like on the verge of divorce, not like anything like that, but to continue to everything we've been through, you know?

Ventura Fire Foundation (44:23.991)
Yeah, and I think it's important because you're showing your kids how healthy relationships can look even when things are not going well. And like you said, holding that firm boundary and showing the kids like, daddy needs to take care of daddy, and mommy is going to take care of mommy. And there's different ways daddy has different needs. And mommy has different needs. And, you know, your two kids are very different, their needs are different and showing them what

it can look like because if we don't show them, then they're going to search that out and perpetuate some other version of something in their own lives as they become adults too. And again, we're not medical professionals. And these are just the things where it's like, we don't know what we signed up for as a significant other of a first responder. And how do we get the support we need so that we can thrive in this very unique

Heather Arnzen (45:13.774)
Absolutely.

Ventura Fire Foundation (45:23.912)
life that we have? And how do we not have the resentment? How do we still be Heather? I love that you're doing a watercolor class. That's amazing. I really want to take a ceramics class. I've said that a couple times now, and I really need to make it happen. The January and February. Yeah, no, I looked this.

Heather Arnzen (45:42.594)
You gotta just put it your calendar. That's the way I get things done or else it never happens. You just sign up and you put it in the calendar.

Ventura Fire Foundation (45:50.775)
I'm doing it. The classes are full. So I'm waiting for the March and April schedule to come out. And on that side of it too is like, we started budgeting for childcare for me once we were comfortable with the kids being a little bit older and leaving them with someone else, because that's a whole other thing with first responder and leaving your kids with someone. And we have cameras in the house so we can check on them. But we worked that into the budget because we can't guarantee when my husband will be home. And it was

Heather Arnzen (45:54.83)
What the?

Ventura Fire Foundation (46:20.268)
something he realized was a need for me to get time. And that's how we figured it out for us. I know other people, maybe you have family, it's not in the budget to have childcare. Maybe you can swap and do like, I'm gonna watch Heather, your kids this week, will you go to watercolor? And then later in the week, you're gonna watch Amanda's kids so I can go to my ceramics class, like whatever it is so that we lean on our fire family, our core people and ask for what we need.

and figure it out because yeah, otherwise we're just continually making those little compromises and adding on to the resentment and the, didn't sign up for this and you're not the person that I married and we're not evolving in the same direction and I don't want my kids around this and all these things. it's, know, how do we do the work? How do we express our needs? How do we figure things out and try something?

It's a lot.

Heather Arnzen (47:22.316)
Yeah, I feel like recognizing the resentment is like the first step because if you're able to recognize versus just react to the resentment, if you're able to just take a step back and be like, hey, like I'm feeling resentful. I'm feeling angry. I want to snap right now. Like what is going on within me? Like I for me, it's like I will occasionally journal. I'm not a big journaler. But like of like, what do I need right now? What need isn't getting met?

a lot of it all like think through of like, or I have been into made meditation a lot too. So it's just being able to just like take a step back versus reactivity is a huge and recognize that just because you are a fire spouse or you're a stay at home mom or you're doing a lot too and you do deserve to have time for yourself.

Ventura Fire Foundation (48:17.411)
Yeah, I think that one of the great things that we're building in Fire Family Collective is this community of people to hold that safe space and, you know, be your screaming room when you need it or prayer warriors when you need it. And also resources. So, you know, I did Transcendental Meditation Training, I think it was back in August of 2025. That was incredible. And it came at a time like you said, where

Heather Arnzen (48:30.444)
Yeah.

Ventura Fire Foundation (48:45.845)
you had taken that training class and then you had therapy scheduled. It was kind of like that for me where the timing of it worked out really well because my husband was going into, I don't know, something crazy. Like he worked 27 days out of the month between working days and his regular 48th. And if I didn't have that transcendental meditation training just beforehand to ground myself and take that time to reset and recharge, I can't imagine

how those that month would have been for me and the kids. It still was hard, but it just, I had a different perspective and approach to it because I was so grounded in that way. And I don't do it every day. Like, you know, they teach you to, but I have that tool in my toolbox now and I can re reset and reestablish that whenever I need to, I can go back to it. And that resource is there. And it's just,

Just another tool in the toolbox.

Heather Arnzen (49:46.718)
a lot with your nervous system all that if you have tools to help regulate yourself and regulate your nervous system because no we aren't running into burning buildings we aren't doing all of that but we are at home with two crying kids and one bit the other one and the dog is doing something and you're getting a phone call and like everything does add up and it affects you and so if you're able to regulate your nervous system that is like

Ventura Fire Foundation (50:09.826)
Yes.

Heather Arnzen (50:15.062)
That's what I've loved, there's love that I've learned in all of this is ways to regulate ways to ground myself. feel like social media also, like I like the fire family collective because it doesn't feel like social media where social media is the best of the best. And like I, to me, I've gotten off of a lot of social media because I don't like the aspect of, I feel bad about myself sometimes.

Ventura Fire Foundation (50:30.008)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (50:41.602)
I've deleted accounts or not following the mainstream media or anything like that because I don't want to feel bad about myself. It's not like, why should I look at something on social media, feel bad about myself? And when in reality, like for me, what's most important is my kids, my family, myself, are my friend, friend group. So that's why I really like the fire family collective more than just regular social media.

Ventura Fire Foundation (50:41.666)
Yeah.

Ventura Fire Foundation (51:11.423)
Yeah, I like you said the social media in general is a lot of like the high highlight reel and it can make us have the shame spiral if we let it and fire family collective we do have a presence on social media but then we have this private space that is completely vetted and it's just you know a safe space where it's not the highlight reel it can be we can cheer each other on and your victories but it's very much not that

Heather Arnzen (51:37.686)
Yeah. yeah.

Ventura Fire Foundation (51:41.32)
And it is very real, raw, authentic conversation and discussion. And it's just, it's not the same thing. You know, you're not getting in the doom scroll of social media. So I'm glad that you're finding that is adding value and that you are adding value to our community. And, you know, anyone that can relate with Heather, I'm, I know that

you know, myself and her are here and want to connect more with you. And we have a beautiful space in Fire Family Collective to do that. And, you know, we have resources we can connect you with. And I'm really grateful that you shared your story with us. This was very deep. And how are you doing now? Like, how is Heather? What does life look like for you, you know, two and a half years later?

Heather Arnzen (52:38.284)
Yeah. I feel like the most I feel like I know myself more than anything more than I ever have in my life. I've discovered a lot of strength and I feel like I can actually be proud of myself versus going through it all. People are like, you're so strong, but now I can be like, you know, I've like gone through a lot and like I'm still here and I'm still standing and I'm a good person. so being able to like,

actually see myself in the like, great, I don't know how to say it, but like just see myself like the good side, not just the bad side for myself, you Right now is actually very tough time for our family. Our son actually went into a treatment program last Friday for his OCD. So that has been a huge shift right now. Yeah, so.

Ventura Fire Foundation (53:12.151)
Like the light? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Ventura Fire Foundation (53:28.577)
Is he 10 year old? Is he a 10 year old?

Heather Arnzen (53:32.876)
That has been very emotional and hard to deal with. But I know this place is like a mate, like we gotta go tour it. It just seems like that it's the right thing for him and what he needs right now. But again, it's like I'm having a lot of PTSD with everything from my husband. Yeah.

Ventura Fire Foundation (53:52.993)
Yeah

Heather Arnzen (53:56.62)
But I also feel more prepared. Like I understand because then when he was in his treatment, I was like, this is never ending. And now like with my son, I'm like, okay, there is going to be an end. I know there will be an end. It won't be hard, this hard forever. So being able to like a blessing in disguise go through that versus now what we're handling with our son and dealing with and the struggles there.

Ventura Fire Foundation (54:10.071)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (54:22.166)
It has prepared me, like, I feel like to be strong and I know, like, I'm strong, I can do it, but also, like, a lot dealing with recognizing I'm having a lot of PTSD right now, so.

Ventura Fire Foundation (54:34.562)
Yeah, I can't imagine. mean, that's your baby and you're like, I would do anything for you. And also, this is really hard to, you know, put you somewhere else where I can't be with you. And I know you're getting the support. I know you're safe and cared for and this is going to be the best thing for you. But it hurts. It's I can't imagine.

Heather Arnzen (54:58.156)
Yeah, so it is extremely difficult right now.

Ventura Fire Foundation (55:02.187)
Yeah, well, we're holding space for you and I'm sending you all the virtual hugs and I'm glad I know you're so close to me and I want to arrange getting together in person and I, yeah, it's not that far.

Heather Arnzen (55:14.094)
Yes, absolutely. I would love that.

Ventura Fire Foundation (55:20.643)
And I just, I'm really grateful that you showed up in your power and we're so vulnerable sharing some really hard things. And I know our community is sending you light and love and all our listeners like know that we can do hard things and you have a huge support system behind you and we can't take away your heart, but we're walking alongside it with you and.

There are so many resources for us, so don't be afraid to reach out and ask because, and if it doesn't exist, like it's going to exist. We have needs. you know, things are being created for our unique, you know, first responder world all the time. So, is there anything else you wanted to share before we wrap it up?

Heather Arnzen (55:56.492)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (56:11.918)
I'll share a quote. I'll share a quote. This is a quote that got me. It got me through honestly, all everything with my husband and all of it was I read it, I wanna say in the beginning and I was like, it just stuck with me. It's very simple, but you have survived 100 % of your hardest days. And so on my hardest days when I was trying to rock my young...

Ventura Fire Foundation (56:13.718)
Yes!

Heather Arnzen (56:38.35)
10 month old to sleep, wouldn't go to sleep, my toddler's starting to fit, all of that. Like I would sit there and be crying and then I'd be like, you know what? I've survived 100 % of my hardest days. I will get through this and things will be okay. So that's a good quote to keep in the back of your mind when it's just a hard day, you know?

Ventura Fire Foundation (56:58.017)
Yes, literally 100%. We have and we will. And if you need the reminder, we're here to remind you that we will get through those hard days. So for sure, for sure. Well, we appreciate you, Heather. And again, just sending you so much light and love. Thank you for being a part of our community.

Heather Arnzen (57:20.706)
Yeah, thank you for having me.

Ventura Fire Foundation (57:22.604)
Okay, I'm going to stop the recording.