Surviving the Fire Wife Mental Load

Growing up as a firefighter's daughter taught Kierra Martens things she didn't fully understand until she became a fire wife herself. In this episode she opens up about the health crisis that nearly ended her husband's career, the ritual he uses to leave work stress at the door, and the hard lesson about the fire wife mental load that she had to learn the same way her own mother did before her. If you have ever wondered whether your kids are actually okay growing up in this life, or how other fire families make it through the hardest shifts, this conversation feels like sitting down with a friend who truly gets it.

Takeaways

• Growing up in a firefighter family can make kids more resilient and adaptable to sudden schedule changes.
• The fire wife mental load often mirrors what fire daughters watched their own mothers carry without fully realizing it.
• A simple homecoming ritual, like hanging up the helmet, can help firefighters transition from work stress to family time.
• Firefighter marriage communication improves when spouses ask how the shift went instead of guessing what happened.
• Homeschooling gave one fire family more flexibility around unpredictable 24 hour and 96 hour shifts.
• Extreme job stress can show up physically, as it did when a firefighter husband temporarily lost his vision.
• New fire wives are encouraged to build a support community rather than trying to handle every hard season alone.

Guest-mentioned resource
Fully Involved: A Guide for Being in a Relationship with a Firefighter, by Mynda Ohs, PhD — https://www.fullyinvolvedlife.com/book/

Transcript

Heather Arnzen (00:01.848)
Hi, this is Heather. Thank you for joining the Fire Family Collective podcast. We have a guest today who grew up as a fire daughter and now is married to a firefighter living a fire life. Can you tell us a little bit about yourself? Introduce yourself, tell us about yourself. Give us a little backstory.

Kierra Martens (00:01.335)
Hi, I'm Kierra and I grew up in the fire service. So my whole life, my dad was a firefighter. And then I started dating my husband and he was a Marine and we did not want to live the Marine life with a family. So he transitioned into firefighting and that's what we've been doing since. So I think it's been about...

17, actually maybe it's been longer than that, 20 years maybe we've been in the fire service. So we did about 15 years in Southern California and then we just recently five years ago moved to Tennessee.

Heather Arnzen (00:25.774)
I'm going stop here.

Heather Arnzen (00:37.418)
Wow. there's been a kind of a lot of shifts, but almost the fire service is kind of what has kind of kept you guys steady in all of it.

Kierra Martens (00:47.71)
Yeah, definitely. It was unique to have grown up in it and kind of know what it was like and in changing careers. And I was like, okay, well, I kind of know what that is. And it's a very different world being a fire wife versus a daughter. But I think I learned a lot of things growing up that was helpful.

Heather Arnzen (00:52.631)
Yes.

Heather Arnzen (01:02.808)
That's what I was like, I wonder what that was. So did you have any influence or your family have any influence of him wanting to be out of the Marines and being like, this is, how did that kind of come to play of that shift?

Kierra Martens (01:22.899)
Well, he definitely wanted to be a career Marine, but when we were seriously dating, when we kind of like made that shift from just dating and then seriously dating, like, I don't think I can live, I don't think I can raise kids as a military wife. That's just like, I like companionship and I like being with you and I don't want to raise kids by myself. So I'm, I feel like this is, this isn't going to work for us if we got it, if we're going to continue. So he was like, okay, let me see something else. Let me, let me look into this.

Heather Arnzen (01:48.097)
Yeah.

Kierra Martens (01:53.865)
and he was going to school on the GI Bill and then was like, I'll try fire. We'll see what that's like. And he got into the fire academy and absolutely loved it. He said it was very similar to the brotherhood he felt in the Marines. So he thought, okay, well, let's ride this out and do it. And then as he finished that, we were going through some paperwork and found out that he had taken a test in the Marines when they were getting out about what civilian jobs would be good.

and EMS, ER and firefighter were at the top of it. So he was like, well, good. Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (02:25.363)
So it validated, validated all of it.

So what was it like? I am so curious because I don't come from a fire family and now I'm raising my kids in it. And I'm like, how is this impacting my kids in ways that I'm not even, know, we're all trying our best. What is it like growing up as a child of a firefighter?

Kierra Martens (02:46.75)
Yeah.

Kierra Martens (02:51.829)
That is such a good question. I think I see myself a lot in my kids. And I think it makes them a lot more resilient and kind of go with the flow and they don't have to be on some kind of routine because it's like, oh, we're going this way, we're going, dad isn't coming no, he is coming home. I know he's gone for three weeks, here's fire season. I think that that is really helpful.

Heather Arnzen (03:08.93)
Yep. Yeah. Yeah.

Kierra Martens (03:17.525)
I have definitely, I definitely think that my kids are able to adapt a lot better to change of plans, which is something I personally as an adult struggle with, but I think that as a kid, that was just the way. So maybe I try now as an adult to hold on a little bit too tightly to my plans or to whatever we've made, but I'm always let down in this. I don't know why I do that.

Heather Arnzen (03:29.079)
Okay.

Heather Arnzen (03:36.0)
Yeah. Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (03:43.918)
That's really interesting that like as a kid you kind of were able to. I mean they always say kids are so resilient and maybe it's like now you're like okay now I need some structure and the reality is it's not there is there's bones but everything else is kind of up in the air of the changes. Is there anything that you like normalized as a child that you now see like differently?

Kierra Martens (03:58.909)
I don't know.

Kierra Martens (04:13.734)
Yes, absolutely. The thing that comes to mind is the almost moodiness that my dad would come home with and not realizing as a child that it was probably job related, but like coming home exhausted or having seen something that he didn't, you know, that was out, that was a lot or things like that. And I actually didn't realize it.

Heather Arnzen (04:28.611)
Yeah.

Kierra Martens (04:40.829)
didn't realize that that was it until when I was in my late teens, early twenties, I lived with him and I didn't live with him for quite a few years. My parents separated when I was 16. So from like 16 to like early twenties, I didn't live with him. And then I lived with him when I was in my young twenties and I was engaged and that same kind of routine came started happening. And I was like, I didn't recognize that as a child. And I

Heather Arnzen (04:46.647)
Okay.

Kierra Martens (05:10.393)
figured out in my 20s, if I asked him how he was and what had happened at work that night, it kind of dissolved it. He was able to release it. And so I would, kind of had made it a point if I'm home when dad's home, I'm gonna sit down and have coffee with him and just say, Hey, how was your, how was your shift? Like, no pressure to share anything like that. Yes, that's absolutely true. And it really did like settle our day. And then at this time, my husband was

Heather Arnzen (05:18.446)
Heather Arnzen (05:24.802)
Yeah. Yeah. Acknowledge like the elephant in the room almost.

Kierra Martens (05:38.053)
was training in the fire academy. think he worked for the state at the time and then relatively quickly he started working actually for the same city that my dad was employed at. Yeah, so then I had realized, yeah, weren't allowed to be at the same station, but they could if it was overtime. So that was so interesting. Every time they worked overtime together, I was like, gosh, what are you guys coming?

Heather Arnzen (05:46.894)
Oh wow. They probably saw each other. At the same station.

Kierra Martens (06:05.137)
We ended up renting my dad's house and he lived in a back house when we were first married. So we lived kind of in close quarters. So they'd come home together like, gosh, this is...

Heather Arnzen (06:11.315)
my god, even more!

Your dad was really a proof of him, right? They always. What are some things that you like loved when you were a child about this life? Like, did you recognize the differences of your family as a fire family versus friends? Or what are some things that were like some parts that you loved or some more difficult parts, like maybe the holidays?

Kierra Martens (06:18.58)
Yeah, he does.

Kierra Martens (06:35.581)
Yeah.

Kierra Martens (06:42.151)
Yeah, I actually have really fond memories of the holidays at the station. I thought it was so fun. He worked at a really busy house and there was a lot of guys there and all their families would come and it just felt so funny. They even had Santa show up sometimes, so many of us and they'd each get a gift and we had the Christmas parties and all of that. And I really enjoyed going over to

Heather Arnzen (06:59.951)
yeah, yeah.

Kierra Martens (07:10.803)
other guys' houses when it was like a fire-related thing, just like a hangar or something, because it felt like we were all in the same... We all knew what everyone had kind of gone through and how we were living the lifestyle. So I really loved that. They also had a huge fireman's muster, they called, and it was... It must have been cities from all over that came. And for whatever reason, my dad's city hosted it.

Heather Arnzen (07:15.052)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (07:19.726)
Look at my

Yeah, yeah, there's that connection. Yeah.

Kierra Martens (07:40.979)
and they did all kinds of competitions versus each city. It was really neat and we loved it. Like one of the highlights of our summer, they'd like get all the kids wet with a fire hose and then they had like competitions, kind of like tug of war, but with a fire hose where they had to like push the team back with the power of, just stuff like that. Just, I think everyone coming together and doing things was relatable to other people.

Heather Arnzen (07:44.334)
yeah.

Heather Arnzen (07:54.766)
yeah. Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (07:59.896)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (08:03.8)
Yeah, yeah, that's nice to, I think it's super important to have kind of that connection. So we kind of touched on this. You didn't really expect you'd be marrying a firefighter or what? Like when you were growing up, you're like, I want this life. You were like, get me away from it. And then you ended up back in it.

Kierra Martens (08:24.419)
No, it's-

Yeah. I don't think I necessarily didn't like said in my head, I don't want to marry a firefighter. But looking back, I'm like, this is so bizarre, but also kind of makes sense because you follow what you're comfortable with and learn. can't even imagine being married to somebody that works nine to five. My husband got hurt a couple of times and had to do a 40 hour. And I was just like, this is so stressful.

Heather Arnzen (08:36.877)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (08:41.675)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (08:45.43)
Yeah.

Kierra Martens (08:55.994)
I can't do this. I can't have dinner ready. can't have the house ready all the time. My kids is too much, too much. And he was like, I'm not expecting that. I was like, I do. It feels like that's what a nine to five wife is supposed to do.

Heather Arnzen (09:04.205)
Yeah. Yeah, my husband, he was on light duty once and he had to do where he was working the 40 hour week and going and I was like, I don't like this. You are gone five days, but it's not even five days in a row. You're coming home at night just to go to sleep. I don't like this life. It's funny how we get so just adapted to it. So how is it?

Kierra Martens (09:12.722)
It's true.

Kierra Martens (09:19.895)
Right. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Heather Arnzen (09:32.472)
How is being a daughter different than now a wife? Like what differences do you see now?

Kierra Martens (09:40.954)
I think I definitely hold a lot more of the stresses of the job. Obviously my mom did as well because she was living what I'm living right now. And I didn't see that as a kid because I'm just seeing my mom doing all things moms do and she just does it because that's what she loves to do.

Heather Arnzen (09:59.992)
Yep. Yeah. an expectation we set when we're kids of like, that's just mom. That's everything she does.

Kierra Martens (10:10.98)
understanding the gravity of it and how... I just did a FireWife event and we are talking about how unique it is that the how we really our kids live in a three-parent household or a three, not three-parent, a three, what did we call it? It's like different sections, like they live in a mom-led household.

and a mom and dad led household and then a dad led on the rare occasions. But it's so rare, it's just dad. But it's a different household when it's mom and dad. And they have to be ready for that. They have to be ready to combat it and know what's happening, what's coming. And so I think recognizing that and understanding and giving the kids a lot of grace for coming in and realizing that something might be up and talking through that with them, explaining like, I think dad had a hard night.

Heather Arnzen (10:40.844)
Yeah.

Kierra Martens (11:03.823)
let's ask him, but also let's give him his space or, ooh, it feels like dad might need a nap tonight, today. We should probably make sure that happens. And making it aware, making the kids aware that those are things that can help not only dad, but the family unit, just how our whole family functions.

Heather Arnzen (11:20.908)
Yeah, yeah. How they can positively like impact and contribute in a way of even if it is them letting dad take a rest or whatever, or checking in with them, you know, those are different ways that we can all kind of contribute to work together. And it's showing them also like that you guys are a family unit as a whole, you know, especially when you are, like you said, coming to these households when dad's home, we're all like,

Kierra Martens (11:31.812)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (11:49.718)
we all need to work together, you know?

Kierra Martens (11:51.852)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, absolutely. And I think it's changed too. My kids are teenagers now. And so as we're little, like those conversations, you're like kind of letting it out loosely. How many we can let them hear, see, know, you know, all of those things, like keeping it open so much. And so now it's pretty much free game as teenagers, because we're trying to put them into the world now. And so those conversations look so different. And I think that they're

Heather Arnzen (11:54.51)
Okay.

Heather Arnzen (12:02.456)
Yeah.

Yes, yes.

Heather Arnzen (12:11.436)
Yeah, prepare them for the world of like this. Yeah.

Kierra Martens (12:18.932)
So the meaning of them is different too. When a three-year-old is asking, hey daddy, how was your day at work? Versus my 16-year-old son is saying, hey dad, how was work? Are you okay? Is like, that's such a different meaning. Like it's so sweet and tender and caring from a three-year-old. And while it is all those things from a 16-year-old, it's also, it's like transitioning into a man-to-man conversation, which is just beautiful to watch.

Heather Arnzen (12:29.172)
Yeah. Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (12:40.684)
Yeah. I was going to say that seems like so amazing. My son is only 10 right now, so he's not quite there. He's still on the, so the end of the really little kid years, I'm seeing like that kind of disappear, but it's like interesting to them. Like, wow, I'm envisioning what is his conversation going to be like with my husband when they are 16, like an understanding, because it's like you said, we do have to kind of.

Kierra Martens (12:48.976)
Yeah.

Kierra Martens (12:52.771)
Right.

Heather Arnzen (13:09.644)
be careful of what we talk to our kids about and them understanding the risks of the job. And like, did you understand those risks when you were a kid? What, what?

Kierra Martens (13:20.334)
Not a chance, not even close. mean, I think I learned so, I don't know, okay, this is gonna sound terrible. I don't think I recognized or knew that they went on medical aids as often as they do. I think in my head as a kid, I thought fires and car accidents. And I can only remember one story my dad told me when I was little of a call he went on. But I don't think I've

Heather Arnzen (13:27.47)
Thank

Heather Arnzen (13:39.308)
Yeah.

Kierra Martens (13:48.464)
I mean, maybe he did and the other ones didn't stick, but it was a car accident. And so I think in my mind, those are the things they did. And then when my husband's going to be an EMT and I'm like, well, this is a lot of medical and we'd like go through, we went to flashcards after flashcards, so like hours on hours. And I was like, I had no idea my dad knows all this stuff.

Heather Arnzen (13:51.213)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (14:01.078)
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yes, yeah.

Heather Arnzen (14:08.782)
It was kind of like a reality hit you in the face moment of like a different understanding, different perspective and view of your dad.

Kierra Martens (14:17.007)
Yeah, I think that's similar to for civilians. I don't think they understand how much firefighters do. I think most of them just think, because I know I've heard a lot of people are like, well, I called 911 and firefighters showed up. And we're like, yeah, but that's our world. We live in that all the time. You don't understand every single 911 call is fire also. I think that a lot of civilians think that too. So maybe I kind of had a civilian mindset as a kid.

Heather Arnzen (14:20.952)
No.

Heather Arnzen (14:30.882)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (14:41.934)
Yeah, yeah, that's interesting. That's so interesting because I mean, I have conversations with like my really close friends and a lot of them are not firewives. Ironically, their husbands do other jobs where they are gone for days. So they have that kind of similarity where they're home. They don't understand. like there's times where they'll call me, we homeschool. And so like they also homeschool and they're like, hey, do you want to meet up and do it? And I'm like, no, my husband just got off work for 72. He is exhausted.

Kierra Martens (15:07.712)
Yeah, that's okay.

Heather Arnzen (15:11.668)
we're going to do family time, like we're prioritizing and they totally get it but it's like interesting because it's like they are it's almost like teaching them what what that it's more than just the fires the once in a while fires.

Kierra Martens (15:11.81)
Yeah.

Kierra Martens (15:20.046)
Right, Yeah. That's so true. Something you just said made me think back to one of the other questions you asked about what, I can't remember how you phrased it, but I think you said, what did I learn as a kid and how has it affected my family now? And one specific thing is that we knew we wanted to homeschool because I'm thinking like we have a specific on how we want our family to look and like the time we want.

Heather Arnzen (15:40.066)
Okay.

Heather Arnzen (15:47.405)
Yeah.

Kierra Martens (15:48.55)
and the amount of time that our kids would have to spend at school and not get to see him. If he's home for 24 hours, they're gonna get a few hours in the evening and then he's back to work. And we were just like, we want way more time than that. So for him, so kind of moving into homeschooling, it was like, that's so great. He can jump in, in school with me if we've got the capacity or if he's just been gone, we can throw school out the window that day and be like, no, it's a daddy day and we'll catch up on Saturday or we'll, you know, I mean, there's been so many times where he was

Heather Arnzen (15:53.624)
Yep.

Kierra Martens (16:18.516)
stuck at the station. All the guys were out on fires and he was just covering at station. So we just go and have a whole homeschool day at the station because we just didn't see him for weeks or however much, you whatever the holding pattern was at that time and just bring all our schoolwork and here we are. And then they have like five different teachers, which was so cool. Somebody's got a passion about something.

Heather Arnzen (16:35.318)
Yeah, yeah, it's nice to have that break. also, it seems like sometimes they get so burnt out of listening to us that it's good for them to have a different teacher for the day. Yeah. Breaking the HR rules over here. Was there so I know that you had you were saying

Kierra Martens (16:40.238)
Yes.

Kierra Martens (16:44.308)
It's true. Yeah, it's very true. Yeah, and my co-worker's super hot, so.

Heather Arnzen (17:05.108)
that you kind of didn't see like your living kind of what your mom was going through and you're seeing it now. Was there a moment that you're like, I finally understand my mom like that because you talked about how like the flashcards with your dad where you're like, wow, my dad knows it. Was there a moment where you're like, I get my

Kierra Martens (17:09.55)
So I don't remember if there's an exact moment, but I did just text her last week and I was like, how did you keep up on everything? How am I cleaning my baseboards? Like where is it? I'm like running teenagers all over the place right now and you know, that's our life right now.

Heather Arnzen (17:31.083)
huh.

Heather Arnzen (17:37.902)
Spring taxi service, Uber.

Kierra Martens (17:39.694)
Right. And I'm like, Mom, I'm looking at my house and I'm keeping up with like getting the floors done in the bathrooms and the kids obviously help. But I'm like, how long has it been since I've cleaned under that dresser or couch or like, how did we, how do you do this? And she was like, I don't know. I don't think I figured it out until you guys were gone. And then I was like, I should probably clean those cobwebs because you just, you just do what you can and then you give yourself grace in the other times.

Heather Arnzen (17:51.991)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (18:02.966)
Hehehehehe

Heather Arnzen (18:08.161)
Yeah.

Kierra Martens (18:08.405)
And I'm like, okay, all right, maybe that's what I gotta do.

Heather Arnzen (18:37.602)
what are some things that maybe you're intentionally doing differently than what you grew up? Like, were you homeschooled? Is that something maybe you're intentionally bringing? What are some intentional changes?

Kierra Martens (19:04.321)
was not homeschooled. feel like the homeschool culture when we were growing up was so different. And my mom ran her own business. Well, was family business. We all kind of ran it, my dad included. And I don't see the time that she would have had the time for it. So that's definitely a huge change in that.

Heather Arnzen (19:15.779)
Okay.

Kierra Martens (19:32.749)
I'm trying to think of what other things.

We had the capacity for me to be able to stay home. And I don't know if they did or not at that time. So I think that that was significantly more helpful because we didn't, mean, still living in Southern California on one income is a really big, is really difficult. So we still had a lot of cuts that we had to make and not be, like we didn't have to have the newest cars or those things just so that we could make it work. So I think that was slightly different because

Heather Arnzen (19:42.636)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (19:53.934)
Yeah.

Kierra Martens (20:05.601)
She did run her own business from inside our house, so she was there, but we knew she had to work and that was just what she had to do. So I think that was different, but I don't necessarily think that that was because of how I grew up. It's just that I think my life just laid out a little bit different than her or how they ended up.

Heather Arnzen (20:20.844)
Yeah, yeah. Are there any like traditions that you're like, we are doing this? this is we're keeping this?

Kierra Martens (20:28.773)
Mm-hmm. Yes, I loved when we would get up early before my dad went to work for Christmas. That was like, like I loved getting up at 4 a.m. and getting to do this, which probably I don't I don't I should ask my kids if they like that. Because. Yeah, so that's what we do sometimes. And I actually really I really like the flexibility of not having to celebrate.

Heather Arnzen (20:37.186)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (20:44.846)
You're like, I loved it.

Kierra Martens (20:56.608)
holidays on the actual day because we don't really need to. So it feels a little bit more freeing, like birthdays. If dad's not home for your birthday, then it's okay. We could do it the next day or the day after or whatever is a little bit more convenient. And I actually think that that has really helped. Maybe it's because I had to be used to that too growing up. But I wonder if that has helped my kids be flexible in other areas too. I don't know that I'll know that until they're

and reflecting back. But I do think that that has probably been a significant, I had already kind of had the background of that, so it was easy to translate that.

Heather Arnzen (21:26.956)
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Heather Arnzen (21:37.644)
Yeah, yeah, it's not something that like you had these expectations from childhood of having to do the holidays on those days and now it's shifted. It's something that you've kind of continued. What strengths have you gotten from all this? From being what what do you think has strengthened you through all of this into life?

Kierra Martens (21:44.767)
Right.

Kierra Martens (22:01.322)
Hmm.

Kierra Martens (22:05.309)
I think I'm a lot more confident than I would have been doing things on my own and taking the kids places that I wouldn't have, maybe I would have waited for him to be available. So maybe if he was working a nine to five, we'd only do it on weekends or something, but just having to go to the birthday parties that he's scheduled to work for other people's or there's a field trip this day, so I'm just going and doing it with them.

Or even like, well, he's not here, so we're just going to go on a road trip. You know, you're, on it. Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (22:36.918)
like almost like that independence and like knowing like being empowered to do it yourself. You can do it yourself if you have to. Even if it's not ideal obviously you want them there for all of it but

Kierra Martens (22:44.061)
Yeah, I also think, yeah, absolutely. I also think, yeah, right, yes. Yeah, when our family unit's complete, it's when it's ideal. I do think that I'm probably a little bit more confident in my parenting because of it too, because I don't have another choice. Like I just have to parent without him for days on end. And I was really hesitant. I didn't wanna use the we have to call your dad.

Heather Arnzen (23:13.806)
Yeah.

Kierra Martens (23:14.089)
You know, I mean, there was a handful of times as they were growing up and getting, you know, more attitudes and stuff like that. There's a handful of times that I've used that. And I think it was necessary. And I think it really did stand out to the kids. But in the other times, I do remember calling him and being like, I just need strength right now. I'm gonna push through this three-year-old tantrum. I just need strength. And he's like, all right, you got this. Like, you know, and then I would like,

Heather Arnzen (23:19.822)
going through something. Yeah. Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (23:38.648)
Yeah.

I'm the cheerleader right now.

Kierra Martens (23:43.913)
Yeah, Yeah, so didn't have the option of wait till your dad gets home.

Heather Arnzen (23:48.462)
So I want to hear all about your whole shift from California to Tennessee. What led you there? What was that kind of shift?

Kierra Martens (24:02.187)
Okay, that could get long winded. I'll try to make it concise and then if you want those on it, you might or I even need to do a whole separate one for that because it could, I could get so many details of it.

Heather Arnzen (24:07.296)
Okay. Okay.

Yeah, we could probably schedule a separate one, but I want to hear a little bit, at least now. Let's hear a teaser.

Kierra Martens (24:16.554)
Okay. All right. Sounds great. So we were in kind of the height of 2020 and just he was working so much. Anytime a crew had to go off, you know, be quarantined, he had to work. Obviously, mean, most of the people I think listening are California Firewives. So they understand what that was like. And it was grueling. It was so much.

Heather Arnzen (24:20.046)
And E.

Kierra Martens (24:46.205)
and he ended up getting shingles in the optical nerve from stress. So he went blind and we were like, is this? That's a whole story of how we like got to the point of figuring out what that was. But he came home from work with eye pain and then 12 hours later he couldn't see. So it was intense. We realized it was from.

Heather Arnzen (24:59.037)
my gosh, yeah.

Heather Arnzen (25:06.69)
I must have been so scary.

Kierra Martens (25:10.537)
stress and so we like he was obviously off work for that so he was off for three months which is the longest he'd ever been off and he couldn't do 40 hour or anything he just he he literally sat on the couch in a corner with an eye mask on so that the other eye didn't open because as they were tracking it was really really painful and his ears were sensitive so the kids yelling the kids screaming

Heather Arnzen (25:38.478)
Yeah.

Kierra Martens (25:39.357)
was a lot. And we were just like, okay, so do we need a career change? What is this? We don't know if your eyesight's coming back. We're not sure what's going on.

Heather Arnzen (25:40.833)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (25:48.622)
That must have been so mentally and emotionally draining as a whole and as a family unit. Like on him, obviously a ton too, but then that family dynamic that surrounds him too of what is going on must have been so scary.

Kierra Martens (26:04.009)
It was incredibly scared. I think my son was 10. And I hadn't worked since he was born. So I'm like, do I need to come up with a career? Is this what's gonna happen? What do I do after not working for 10 years now? And so it was intense. So with a lot of prayer and a lot of people coming over and serving our family, and his whole crew came and did the lawns once a week, every single week, and did it.

Heather Arnzen (26:15.502)
Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (26:31.118)
comment there.

Kierra Martens (26:31.949)
And we had like our pastor come over and we had just so much like what does this look like? Well, he got his eyesight back and he began to heal. then it was okay. So he's so can he go back to work? Is his eyesight gonna come back enough? We don't know. Is there permanent damage? So we get to the end of the three months and he's able to go back to work, but now his overtime bank is deficient. So as he gets back now, he's got to like get back to where you know, everybody's

Heather Arnzen (26:58.19)
Yeah. Yeah.

Kierra Martens (27:00.677)
equal in overtime. So he goes back his first day and he was forced onto I think a 96. I think it was a 96 and we were like, whoa, that's, that's, yeah, it's gonna happen again. He's gonna, you know, yeah. And they were like, well, it's right. And they were like, well, if you're cleared for a hundred percent to come back to work, then you're cleared for forced overtime.

Heather Arnzen (27:11.822)
Like, can this happen? This was caused from stress and now we're going straight back into what the problem was.

Heather Arnzen (27:27.368)
cleared for, yeah.

Kierra Martens (27:29.316)
And we were like, well, that's accurate. And the doctor had tried like, well, can we put you on light, whatever. And he was like, well, the only way to do that is to be on a computer. And the doctor was like, no, you can't be on a computer right now while you're still. So we went back full time. He went to work for 96. He comes home and he only had 24 off before he had to be back. And I was like, how are you? Where are you at? And he's like, I'm okay. I'll sleep today and I'll go back. And he goes back and gets punched out for.

Heather Arnzen (27:37.61)
Yeah, and then with that, yeah.

Kierra Martens (27:58.524)
Well then fire. And I was just like, I cannot handle this dress. I'm so. Yeah, exactly.

Heather Arnzen (28:00.088)
my gosh. You must have felt like your world was on fire. Like, you're like, you're going to fight these fires, but our world is on fire here at home.

Kierra Martens (28:09.8)
Yeah, it's so true. So he's on a fire. He gets released from that fire and on his way home, he gets sent out to another one. And I was like, okay, I'm done. I'm booking a trip to Tennessee. And we kind of talked a little bit about Tennessee, but most of the time it was him saying, let's move to Tennessee. And I was like, absolutely not. I'm born in Nausicaa, no way. Never will I leave the absolutely not. And his parents,

Heather Arnzen (28:22.475)
my god. Something needs to change. Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (28:33.026)
Yeah.

Kierra Martens (28:38.948)
I don't know, probably six years before I had bought property out here and we're building a house. So I was like, there's no way. And then on that second strike team, I was like, I'm very interested maybe. let's go see. So yeah. Yeah. So there was a lot of different things that happened. I told him I'm booking a trip for two weeks to Tennessee and I'm going to get an Airbnb in the country and see if I can handle it.

Heather Arnzen (28:50.486)
Yeah, you're like, we, maybe this was the push that needed to happen, the sign.

Kierra Martens (29:08.452)
And I would really love if you're there with me, but if you can't, that's fine. We ended shrinking it down. think we ended up doing 10 days, but he was able to come and we spent five of them on our own, just he and I. And then my mom met us here with the kids and we spent a few days and then came home and tried to think about what it would be. was just a major change with giving up, like stopping his retirement, just so many things that we had to think through and pray through and make sure that we were

Heather Arnzen (29:08.718)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (29:22.615)
Okay.

Heather Arnzen (29:32.61)
Yeah, huge changes.

Kierra Martens (29:38.054)
that we were making the right choice. And then ultimately, so that was in September is when we made our trip and we had, and then we decided and sold our house and drove out of California on December 31st. So it was a whirlwind. Yeah. Yeah. And then we arrived, we arrived in Tennessee six days later into a snowstorm. And I was like, I hate this place. I'm never going to, I told you I not going

Heather Arnzen (29:39.49)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (29:45.39)
in minute.

Heather Arnzen (29:52.632)
wow, like the last day of the year, you're like, goodbye. You're new where I knew you.

Wrong choice. You're like, me back. It's so funny. Let's go through. I have some questions of like, what would you tell a brand new fire wife? What's something you would tell her? Or what's something that she should know from coming from the fire daughter that's now a fire wife?

Kierra Martens (30:07.878)
that.

Kierra Martens (30:34.122)
I think.

I think I would tell her not to take stuff personally. That the exhaustion and the mental load that they're carrying and how they come home, whatever attitude or whatever they have that they're bringing home is not personally against her or her kids or how she's running her home.

Heather Arnzen (30:38.51)
you

Kierra Martens (31:03.737)
that it's just the safe place that he comes home to and he can just let all of that out. But in the same breath to have open communication where you guys are talking about that and making sure that you talk through it and that he, we have this thing my husband says is he hangs his helmet. And so he'll come in and he's like mentally as he's driving home, he's taking off work brain and putting on home brain.

Heather Arnzen (31:07.864)
Let it out, yeah.

Heather Arnzen (31:13.196)
Yeah.

Kierra Martens (31:29.634)
and doing that and then he comes home and he just hangs his helmet on the literal hook and he's like, okay, like that is there and now I'm walking into the family and I'm like making that transition and sometimes it's not that easy and he's like, hey, I'm gonna just sit in a parking lot for 30 minutes in the car, transition that and so like I'm realizing like I expect you to be home at this time but I understand that you need that. Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (31:44.248)
Yeah.

Heather Arnzen (31:51.22)
flexibility needs to be there as well. What would you say to like a mom who's kind of in the thick of it with her kids? Maybe she's got that three-year-old crying, her husband's on the 96-hour shift, and she's wondering what is she doing with her life?

Kierra Martens (32:08.954)
Yeah, I would say use your community, family, resources and let yourself take a break. Know that it's okay to say, hey, I just need somebody to come to the house for a few hours so I can just take a deep breath and go for a walk or go get coffee or whatever helps restore your soul because a mom running on fumes is not good for the kids and it's not good for marriage. It's not supporting either of those things. So I think that giving yourself the grace and allowing yourself to take time and lean on

people that want to help and want to jump in with you. We don't have to facade that shows we can handle it all because we weren't built to do that.

Heather Arnzen (32:42.156)
see someone so resilient in life and ⁓ the strength that you're showing and you've told us ⁓ through your story that we ⁓ kids can get through this and kids are resilient and we aren't making mistakes. We're all doing our best ⁓ and thank you to our listeners for listening. ⁓ I hope everyone has a great day ⁓ and we will have Kierra back on soon.

Heather Arnzen (32:46.998)
Yeah, yeah, that's what I feel like every time I'm like, social media is fake, right? It's that highlight reel and the ideology and it's what we want, but we need to come back to that we are humans, we need this connection. And especially with this fire life and how tough it is and what our husbands are bringing home mentally and physically and emotionally. And then we have, well, they're gone.

Kierra Martens (32:53.646)
Yeah, gosh, yes.

Heather Arnzen (33:14.198)
managing this house, you know, like there needs to be that connection for each other. And we're you're not alone doing it, right? Like, right, you're sitting there and your kids crying, your three year old crying and your husband's on a 96 hour shift. And it's so difficult and so isolating and so lonely, but it just we get through it, you know, we find a way we're strong and we get through it.

Kierra Martens (33:15.994)
Right. Yeah, and we're taking that emotional load on also.

Kierra Martens (33:36.581)
Okay.

Kierra Martens (33:39.962)
Yeah. Yeah, we're stronger than we think we are. In those low moments, you think you can't make it.

Heather Arnzen (33:42.958)
you.

Yep. And that was like the quote that I had said online is my quote that gets me through every strong moment is that you've survived 100 % of your hardest days. So every time I get to like where I'm like, my gosh, I can't do this anymore. I'm like, wait, I can. I've done this plenty of times. Like it's hard and it will pass. This too shall pass. Is there anything else that you want to tell our listeners, let them know or?

Kierra Martens (33:56.389)
Yeah.

Kierra Martens (34:05.326)
Yes, exactly.

Kierra Martens (34:14.565)
I think that just as much as it's important to give him his space to rejuvenate and to give them and mom to take time to rejuvenate, I think it's just as important for the two of you to take time also. My husband and I are super passionate about first responder and firefighter and military marriages and pouring into them and like give investing and and helping them through those times. And I think the biggest thing is you get stuck in this

rut of like you're taking it personally, you're not able to talk it through, and then it just builds and builds and builds to where you don't take the time to have the conversations because you have a lot of hurt that you haven't expressed and the expectations that you expect each other to do. And when there isn't time for that or even time for that connection with each other, you can't get past those. It's just not possible to do it when life just keeps pouring more on you. So I think it's

Just as important as being able to take time individually where whatever it is, if it's 30 minutes on your drive home or it's an hour coffee break while he's working, it's also so important to pour into your marriage because that's the foundation of how this all works. And if that crumbles, this doesn't work.

Heather Arnzen (35:29.72)
Yep, that is so true. Is there any resources that you would recommend? Your favorite book or someone?

Kierra Martens (35:35.612)
my gosh, I have so many. Okay, so I love the book Fully Involved by Minda Ohs. That's huge. I just did a Firewife event last year. I put it on for Firewives in middle Tennessee and she came and spoke at it and I've recommended her book for so long to people. She also just wrote one about retirement. if there's, I'm not quite there. Yes, yes.

Heather Arnzen (35:44.567)
Okay.

Heather Arnzen (35:53.784)
Wow.

Heather Arnzen (36:00.94)
And is that like specific fire? I haven't heard of that. Okay. Okay.

Kierra Martens (36:05.289)
for fire so she grew up in the fire world and it's fire

Kierra Martens (36:14.158)
Let me think, what else? So my husband and I are in the process of starting a marriage coaching business that is specific for responders and, what was that?

Heather Arnzen (36:19.664)
okay. I think that.

Heather Arnzen (36:27.842)
I don't know. I don't know what that was.

Kierra Martens (36:30.5)
Okay, so that will get up and running soon too, so that's helpful. So I can't think of specific resources. I know that book is one of them that's huge.

Kierra Martens (36:45.924)
would have to go back and look. There is an Instagram account that I've loved. I haven't been on Instagram in a couple of months though, so I can't remember the name of it, but if I could look at it, maybe you can link it.

Heather Arnzen (36:55.096)
Yeah. Good for you for not being on social media. And maybe when we talk about the whole trip and changes of Tennessee, California, then we'll have that Instagram. Yeah. Okay. That sounds great. Thank you so much for coming on and thank you for sharing and thank you for letting us not fire daughters know kind of what it is like growing up and us now as mothers being able to like

see someone so resilient in life and the strength that you're showing and you've told us through your story that we kids can get through this and kids are resilient and we aren't making mistakes. We're all doing our best and thank you to our listeners for listening. I hope everyone has a great day and we will have Kierra back on soon.

Kierra Martens (37:53.005)
Thanks for having me.

Heather Arnzen (37:54.21)
Thanks.