Mornin Bitches
A cursing, foul mouth old ladies take on the present world!!! Filled with her opinions, views on current events, and special guest appearances!
Mornin Bitches
Resilience and Love: A Family's Journey Navigating Dementia
Ever found yourself at the crossroads of love, strength, and determination? Such was the journey of our guest whose father, despite battling dementia, walked 10 miles to his office just to assert his independence. An older man, who was never ready to give up his fight with the debilitating disease nor his love for his family. We invite you to join us as we navigate through this remarkable tale of resilience and family bonds.
As the narrative unfolds, we hear the challenging experiences of caring for a parent suffering from dementia. The guest chronicles the family's struggle to maintain their father's independence, their painful realization that full-time care was needed, and the incredible unity of siblings who took turns to care for their father. You'll discover their journey of adapting to a new form of communication and interaction with their father, a journey that was at times frustrating, sad, but always filled with love.
The episode concludes with a profound exploration of self-care and the importance of maintaining contact with a loved one battling dementia. Hear how the family learned to take care of themselves while ensuring their father never felt isolated. If you're navigating similar circumstances or just wanting to hear a tale of love and commitment, we promise this episode will inspire and move you. Because sometimes, in a world that can often feel unloving, we all need a reminder that we are loved - so here's ours to you today.
MORNIN BITCHES PODCAST
I'm going to go to the next one. Morning bitches, I've never told you they love you. Today, I love you because you're you.
Speaker 2:Who else do they be Right Dan Absolutely.
Speaker 1:You can only do you. Now I have a person that I admire so much on tiktok because, guess what? He's a dad and he lives. His dad lives with him. How?
Speaker 2:many days a week, for we have him about four days a week, sometimes more, depending on you know, if he's had a went through a medical procedure or some something where we don't want to put him through the switch, so we'll keep him for a little bit longer, but typically four days a week for between us because we have two people doing it, and then three days a week with my other brother living on his own.
Speaker 1:So let's talk about this and how it happened and tell me about you. Know your father taking him in? The parents are divorced or let's talk about everything.
Speaker 2:Tell me this story Exactly. Well, where would you like me to start? My dad, after my parents divorced, my dad remarried, was remarried for, I think, over twenty years and and he had my little brother when he was my age. So I'm getting ready to wind down. I'm thinking you know I'm getting tired, achy. You know I'm half the person I was 15 years ago. I don't go out, I'm a homebody. I'm going the other way.
Speaker 2:My dad was just starting a brand new life Wow, a new baby, and he was just that's the way he was. He's been a strong rock his entire life More energy, more strength, natural strength. I mean I was growing, I worked out, you know, I used weights and did all. My dad was just naturally powerful and he had all the energy in the world. He didn't get sick and he lived that way well into his 80s. I mean, as an example, when we first had to take my dad's car away and I'll give you some more background, but I'll just give you an example.
Speaker 2:He lives about 10 miles away from where I was working at the time my office and his car was taken away. He I got a call from my secretary about three o'clock in the afternoon, your dad with dementia is here at the office and I'm like what you know? And I'm thinking to myself did somebody, did he get lost? Did somebody pick him up and recognize, drive him to my office? What the heck? And it turned out he just walked all the way down. It's a one long street, our main street. He just walked all the way down to my office at like 85 years old.
Speaker 1:Oh my.
Speaker 2:God, he was still living on his own at that time and as things progressed, and you know, we had to take his car away, obviously, and he was. We were still, you know, driving over, picking them up. He still had a decent level of independence, even though he couldn't drive. And then it just became a question of when. And that question was when is he going to have to? When are we going to have to take action? And you know, like everything else, we're not prepared for this. You know we're not making long-term plans like all right, when he reaches this stage, we'll get this person involved and then we'll bring this person in. Well, you'll take care of this, I'll do that. He'll go none of that right. So one day we're going about our business and Mark and I had already been, you know, basically caring for him. We would pick him up at noon, take him to lunch, bring him back to one of our houses for basically the entire afternoon, dropping back off at 5.30 or 6. He would have the same thing. He'd microwave every night, a healthy choice dinner. And he did that for a couple of years. We lived like that, you know, giving him maximum independence, probably a lot longer than we should have. But then one day we're going through that and he has. He's hurting, you know, he's moving his arm up and he's got a big bruise on his side and his hip, and I mean big bruise. A person with you know he's taken blood thinners, they bruised and it's like he did not remember how he sustained those injuries. We obviously knew he took a fall and that was it.
Speaker 2:That night that we had to make the decision, right then and there, with no time, no ability to think about what we're going to do. And thank God Mark had just gone through a divorce. He was like hi, dad Walked in the door Dad, I'll be right with you and I had to make the call. Mark had the room and he took him in that night and he moved in with my brother that night and we lived like that. He lived with my brother for about six months and none of us.
Speaker 2:At that point. You know it was still foreign to me. Sure, I'd been dealing with my dad with dementia, but when you drop that problem off at his house at five o'clock and you don't have to deal with it again until you know noon the next day, you don't really see what's going on behind the scenes. All you see is you know him at his best right. So After six months it was clear Mark was having problems. I mean it was you know his mood was growing more suspect and his patience was waning faster and faster. And you know it was difficult. And ultimately my sister, who was living in Vermont you know they were worried about Mark you have to worry about and so she said Mark, you need a vacation, come on out. And my dad came to stay with Danielle and I for that week. And it was during the course of that week when we realized obviously there's no way Mark can do this by himself.
Speaker 2:It's just not practical, it's not healthy for either one of them. So at that point we decided to start doing the switch. We figured there's two options, right, we could start doing the switch or you could go into memory care, and memory care is just not an option for us, even or even today, at this point. It's not while we can do what we're doing. And so we had to go to Danielle and say you know, what do you think? And you know, there was a lot of reluctance on both of our parts, right. Right, it was a difficult thing. And there was COVID going on and my son it was just about to get sick and we didn't know. But we decided to go for it and we did. We brought him in and I will tell you, those first couple of months were, you know, they were beyond what we expected.
Speaker 2:It was difficult because there's a difference between a person who care gives, you know, goes in and works for someone for eight hours and goes home, and it's a stranger. They become close A lot of times they become, but they don't have a 50 year history like I had with my dad. So when he came to live with me, our interaction patterns traced back, you know, to when I was a kid, and that we've developed these patterns over many decades. And, of course, I'm trying to communicate with him the way I always did, which is, you know, basically, if you don't watch our videos, our family can be loud and abrasive, and you know colorful and you know stubborn, all of those things. And did I say loud? Let me say loud again Just, and it's both it goes both ways.
Speaker 1:I'm just saying I don't know.
Speaker 2:I think you understand where I'm coming from.
Speaker 1:I've seen enough of your videos.
Speaker 2:That, and you know I was. That's not gonna work. I'm not gonna be able to reason with him the way I have in the past. I'm not gonna be able to argue him down by over talking him or him over talking me or any of the other. You know social tricks that we used in the past. It wasn't gonna work that way. I wasn't gonna convince him of anything, and so I had to learn, and Danielle had to learn. There's different ways to approach the issues that we face every day Showers, dressing, clothing, you know the checkbook, the wallet, the bank, we. You can't just explain it to him in a logical manner and expect it to go away.
Speaker 2:You have to. It's very different and it took time to learn that and months and months, and those were difficult months. I mean, there were times when Danielle got in the car and just drove away. You know, because you know I'm yelling, I'm frustrated with my dad and you know she's frustrated with him. She's frustrated with me dealing with him. We're arguing about how to deal with him.
Speaker 2:You know, it became really, really hard and, thank God, like everything else, you know we're human, we can adapt, we can learn and that's exactly what we had to do. And then, of course, you know we got really lucky and we were really fortunate with the when he started going off taking off on social media. You know that gave incentive to my wife and it helped in so many different ways, you know, making it so much more bearable for us. And, of course, my dad I think it. You know he doesn't understand necessarily what TikTok is or YouTube. He definitely understands that he's talking to people and he, he, uh. Well, if you watch the video as you can see it, yeah, yeah, your dad was a doctor, right.
Speaker 2:My dad is a retired podiatrist.
Speaker 1:He's very important. The kids are very important.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. Feet are very important. If you saw the last video, he was talking to my son and he had come in. Andrew works construction so he's out. His boots are not indoor material so he takes his boots off, his work boots off outside. My dad sees him in bare feet and he was on them for five minutes. I mean five minutes. You've got to put some shoes on Because he's seen what happens People get stung, they step on things, they get feet infected, all of those things, and my dad was held bent on making sure that he was wearing shoes.
Speaker 2:It was kind of funny in that video because Andrew was holding a gun and we've never been a gun family. I got my first gun when I moved into this house and I was on vacation and somebody tried to break in when my wife and kids were here a group of people and scared the living Jesus out of us. That was when I got my first gun. But Andrew grew up in a rural area with friends that hunted and all things that were foreign to us. But Andrew acclimated and grew up in that. So he's got this rifle and so that's not something that's typical, normal for my dad and the reason I'm going up on this standard because it was just ironic. I knew my dad's stance. But the gun's there and he's basically, oh nice, rifle, and then boom right through his feet, but you've got bare feet. So there's this gun, this dangerous weapon that Andrew's holding and we're not a gun family, my dad. No mention of the gun right to the feet, he's a good guy.
Speaker 1:He's a good guy. Dan, if I could lead you to check for one minute, I really respect you Because the last year of my mother's life we took my mother into our house and it just was. I'll never forget the first day that we took her in and she poops over everything and I'm having to clean her up and I'm going God, this is what I'm going to look like at 85. I get it. I get it.
Speaker 2:I do, you do, and that's funny that you mentioned that, because I've never really had to deal with poop with my dad. He's, thank God, but the very first day we got him he had an accident and, as God is my witness, that's the only accident he's had in two years from that side, and so I've never had to deal with it. But the very first day I did and just like you I'm thinking- holy murly I know oh my God, what did I get? Myself. Is this my future? Yeah, exactly Is this my.
Speaker 1:Well, my mother lived for a year in our house and she had the best time of her life. Well, we had caregivers for her as well. We had a company call I forget what it's called something angels I forget what that's called. Anyway, they helped. She went to different classes. She really loved being a part of like groups, thank goodness, and that kind of thing. So, visiting angels that was the name of the place Love.
Speaker 2:I've loved it and that's. It's so great that you had that resource and that that resource is out there for people, because you know what would you have done without him?
Speaker 1:Right that I was going out I was like, oh my God, how? Because nobody wanted my mother. Like she had a brother and sister in law, they didn't want to take her, and my brother ensured that, excuse me, did not get along. So who else was going to take her? Me, their daughter?
Speaker 2:That's what happens, I know, and as a mother that's true. Like if my mom needed it shows I would take her in a second, but most likely she'd end up going with my sister.
Speaker 1:Ah okay, Now you've got six brothers and sisters.
Speaker 2:Wow, I have four brothers and a sister, so there's six of us all together and they're all you know fairly within a two hours.
Speaker 1:So that's good.
Speaker 2:It's fairly localized and they all help out to the extent that they can. You know they do whatever they can.
Speaker 1:Right, your dad is a character from the word go and I love him. Everybody loves your dad.
Speaker 2:He is a character and my family is looking at it like we know nobody gets it right. We just can't understand his amazing runaway popularity. And I watch the videos and I kind of get it because they don't give you the context of his whole life. And my mom, she was never very social like that, but my mom told me a story about him. We're trying to figure out what's making this guy so damn popular to us. So many different people and I learned my mom's told me an interesting story that I didn't totally would never have pinned on my dad and because he was basically in ADHD, but a little socially awkward not doesn't always pick up the best social clues throughout his life he's just always been that way and he's not very interested in that. He's not interested in what other people are interested in. He's very much goes his own way. So we're all shocked by this popularity. And then my mom tells me when he was younger, when he actually gave me an example, he had a 30th birthday party so my mom must have been 25 years old, I mean, and there was a hundred or so people and it was a surprise party for him and he showed up at the day, took him to the surprise party and my mom said, you know, and he got up in front of a hundred people without any time to prepare nothing and he, just like, was on stage and he was performing. And he said he went on for 20 or 30 minutes just talking and talking, you know, making stories, little antique notes about people in the audience and everyone was sitting like just shocked out of their mind.
Speaker 2:That's Ed. You know, the guy who makes you know kind of corny jokes at, you know, at the dinner table or a corny interaction with the waitress. You know it was just so shocking that he and so something happens when he gets on a stage or has a camera put in his face. And with dementia it still happens, right, you know, most of the viewers don't get it. I was talking to Mark yesterday. I said did you see the live last night? He said yeah, it's just amazing the way he goes on, he changes when he's on camera. It is unfathomable. And Mark saying you know, we ought to have it studied. How do you have dementia and you can't necessarily remember who your children are. But you know that you have to act a certain way when the camera's on you and that's-.
Speaker 1:So. My mother had aphasia so she couldn't speak. At the end of her life, you know, it's like what Bruce Willis has, where he can't speak anymore. That's the tragic part of her. She knew who I was and you know, that's one thing, one I'm grateful for that. She knew who we were, but she had aphasia where she couldn't speak.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that makes it so tough, because you know, I'm limited by my dad's ability to express himself and pull words out of his vocabulary to tell me what's going on, kind of like a baby. But at least he can do it, you know.
Speaker 1:Right right.
Speaker 2:I can question him and maybe get to the answer. And you know that's one of the most frustrating things when you want to help somebody but you really don't know what's wrong. They can't express what's wrong. You can't help them. So I feel for you in that experience.
Speaker 1:I was really sad and my dad also lived with me. But my dad was a wild kind of a guy, so you know he'd come live with us and then he'd leave, then he'd live with us and then he'd leave. So you know I'm subject to knowing both my parents. You know took taking care of them. So I get it. So does your dad ever know who you are?
Speaker 2:ever. Oh yeah, my dad knows. Most of the time, you know, 95% of the time he knows exactly who I am. Now, you know he might call me by a different name, that's, but that was you know. That was something that happened even before he became ill. So most of the time he knows who I am, I can tell. When he can't, you know. Or, and even when he can't, I think in his mind he thinks oh, that's a relative of some kind. It's either a cousin or a nephew or maybe something like that.
Speaker 2:He knows that I'm familiar, but he may not remember my name or the order that I am in his family. But that's not really been much of an issue for me because I know he's going to when he's lapsing, I know it's going to come back to him in five minutes and personally it doesn't really bother me. I'm going to do my job, no matter what. Luckily, I know him inside and out. I know how appreciative he is, I know he cares, I know his heart. So, you know, even if it gets to the point where he doesn't, you know, overtly recognize me at first, or, you know, even if it happens for longer periods, it's not going to really affect me as much. I will continue to interact with him the same way that I do now.
Speaker 1:So do you ever feel like that this might happen to you?
Speaker 2:I get that question every day and I'll tell you, sure, it's possible, it's hereditary, but I don't think I'm going to live as long as him. I have had healthier, less healthy habits throughout my life. I live a different kind of life and you know he ain't healthy. He walked every day. He, you know he has kind of this. He's almost immune from stress and maybe one of the reasons he handles it well, I don't know whatever it was growing up he went through, you know, divorces and issues, death and all sorts of things, but he seems to handle it better than I do. So I'll probably be gone long before I face the.
Speaker 2:You know what and hopefully there's medication, if I get there right, yeah.
Speaker 1:So I guess, well, we do about 25 minutes, so you got about six more minutes to talk about whatever you want to talk about your success. I'm thrilled that you're coming on because morning bitches has become like so many different types of. I have so many different types of people on this show, from writers to gay, lesbian, trans, people who've been sick. You know people I've met on TikTok that I just have fallen in love with, that have come on this. I'm so grateful for that. It just was like for me. I know you're going to start your podcast, right.
Speaker 2:And we are, we are doing, we do lives on on TikTok and and and YouTube and that's you know. We haven't really thought about a podcast. I do a lot of this. You know a lot of people. We don't really talk about the caregiving aspect so much in our lives. It's more, you know, Danielle and I bickering and, you know, just dealing with our life.
Speaker 2:So I'm doing more of these that are more specific to you know like yours are a little broader. You know more of a biographical interview. But you know, a lot of times I'll do, like today at 430, I'm doing a podcast with someone who just that's what they do. They're they're professional caregivers and they're helping people you know specifically related to. You know how do you get when they do this? What do you do? What's the best thing to do if they keep repeating? What's the best thing to do if they won't take a shower? Those kinds of things I'm doing on other people's podcasts, you know, and not so much posting my channel, because my channel is pretty much about my life and my dad just happens to be my life right now, but you know.
Speaker 1:I mean everybody loves you and your dad and your family. I mean, you know, like it's like fabulous. It's just like you me discovering to. I have no idea it would be a white people like me. I have no concept of it. I know why people love you and your dad and your family and your wife and I. Everybody loves all your brothers and all that. And my favorite thing was when you, when your dad, said you know, I sold your, sold your house, dad, where's my money, where's my money? That was my favorite, my favorite thing that you did that, because my mother did the same thing, like she did something and she goes where's. She was able to say where's my money? And I said I have your money.
Speaker 2:That's, that's which is great, and if she trusts you, that's wonderful, and one of my favorite videos that I've done as that. At the end he's asking about his money in this house and I tell him dad, you're, you're, you can look in your wallet, your bank statement, your little receipt from the last time, and I, you know, he pulls it out and you can see him looking at it and he sees that this house money is all sitting in there, right? No, won't. So he's looking at it and I said did you see your balance? He's like yeah, are you okay? He's like yep, I'm okay with that.
Speaker 1:And the car keys. Where's my car? We sold your car dad, but but where are my keys? I love keys because you don't have a car. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Where are the keys? No, dad, you don't drive, we don't drive. Oh my God. Well, where are my keys? The bird, you know? The chicken or the egg? What came first? Do you lose the keys or stop driving? We don't know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and God bless your wife, because it ain't easy, you know my husband, he also took care of his mother as well. So you know, when she was before we got married, when she was roaming the streets he's looking for, you know, and it's just not easy, you know. So it's not, it's just not. And God, god bless you for being willing, because a lot of people, you know my mother said don't put me in a home, you know, so we didn't put her in a home, but people just farm their people off to home sometimes and that's very sad.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's just not for us. You know we had remained. I've seen my dad every day, but 10 years before he moved in he was he would visit us every single day, not just not to be in the yard.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she can't hear because I have the ear but I have ear pads in, so she can't hear you. Okay, she's probably tiptoeing through, but yeah, my, you know, we have been seeing him every day for 10 days. It was just a home was not in the cards for him, as if we, if we could, if we could manage not and and I'm very, so grateful that I, that we've done it and we managed to get through the tough times and we're we're sticking it out. It really has been a worthwhile Project and I have zero regrets, as I love that.
Speaker 1:So what I'm gonna do is, if there's anything that you want to say to anybody going through what you're going through, now's the time to do a dance down, and just did I pronounce your name, right?
Speaker 2:You absolutely perfect. If you can do it, do it. You're gonna be imperfect. Do not feel guilty when you mess up. I mess up. I lose it multiple times a day and I Gilt when that happened, but you do the best you can. Better off with you if you can manage to take care of them. Given all of your false flaws and lapses during the day, they're in a better place, right? It's just like being a parent. Nobody's a perfect parent, but the kids are better with their parents then, you know, with strangers or anywhere else.
Speaker 2:So if you can do it, do it. It's hard, don't get down on yourself. Do the best you can, and if you can't do it, you can't do it, you know. Don't. Don't feel guilty if you can't take care of it physically, emotionally, if it can be overwhelming and that can't be impossible. If you have to, you got to live yourself. You can't take care of anybody from a mental institution. So take care of yourself. If you can do it, do it. If you can't, you can't. And don't get down there. Visit as much as you can, if you're. If your parent is in a place, visit them every day. Visit them twice a day, if you can. That's. That would be my advice.
Speaker 1:Oh well, dan Salon, jeff, nobody told you they love you today. I love you because you're you. Thank you for coming on the morning bitches podcast. Say hi to your daddy. Doesn't even know who I am anyway, but he's a doll and so are you.
Speaker 2:I will thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 1:Bye.