Aging, Dementia, and Starting Over: A Raw Confession

I'm moving to a smaller apartment in our building because we can't afford our current place. After 10 years here and decades in LA, another move at 77 while caring for my husband with dementia feels overwhelming.

• Need to find additional work beyond acting and TikTok to supplement our income
• My lighting business was successful before I gave it up to pursue acting full-time
• Recently experienced severe depression and thoughts of not wanting to live
• Today is my estranged grandson Jackson's 18th birthday - haven't seen him in 13 years
• Moving requires sorting through accumulated possessions and dealing with emotional attachments
• Taking life one day at a time and focusing on my recovery program

If nobody told you they love you today, I love you because you're you. Keep doing what you're doing.

Chapters

• 0:00 Morning introduction and moving news
• 1:20 Career reflections and financial struggles
• 3:36 Mental health struggles and dark thoughts
• 5:15 Message to estranged grandson Jackson
• 7:12 Finding purpose and moving forward
• 9:00 Organizing personal belongings and closing

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:04

morning bitches and doll. If no one told you they love you today, then I love you because you're. You and ed and me will be moving because we can't afford the wreck. So let's talk about senior stories and senior troubles and all sorts of stuff and living with someone who has dementia Not me, but my husband and how he lost his big job as an insurance agent. Investments are none. He was the best there ever was and he always made lots of money for a lot of people, but for us he didn't always do it the right way, whatever that means. So you know, after a year and a half of struggling and surviving, you know, with his dementia, ed and me have to move to another apartment in the building, and I've shared my experience with moving before, of how we moved so many times when I was a kid that I was very adaptable. When you're a kid, you're very adaptable. The only thing that you hate is when you're moving is you have to always make new friends, and that's the hardest thing to do, I think, in my opinion, leaving friends behind, making new friends constantly. So we've lived here for 10 years and I've lived in LA LA basically on and off since 1980. So that's a long, long time. You do the math. Okay, so I'm having an apartment in Los Feliz for $200 a month in 1980. Oh my God, for five years. And then we moved to another apartment in Las Villas for $750 a month and lived there for 18, 20 years and then moved to a house. So we lost our house and now we got this apartment and now we have to move to a less expensive apartment. Okay, I'll abide, that's what it is. And living like that as seniors, you know. So it ain't easy, you know.

Speaker 1: 2:03

And as an actor, well, I had a great career. In between my acting, I owned a lighting company. One of the things that I did, I said to Ed 10, 12 years ago honey, honey, do you think that if I give up my lighting business, I can survive as an actor and we could make a go of it? Oh, of course, honey, of course you can, we will. Well, hello all of I. My business was incredible. I was Sandy the lighting girl, the girl that lights up your life with light bulbs, and I had a great business. Ok, so, no, it's been. It's. Some years in show business now have been amazing. Last year and the year before was brilliant.

Speaker 1: 2:49

This has been very tough this year, you know, and you know, here and there and everywhere I'm getting work, but it's not easy. So I'm out looking for another job besides TikTok. You know my obviously, this thing I'm doing here which has afforded me, no, you know, I never went in to do a podcast to earn money. I've earned some money here and there, but I never did this. So now I'm going to be probably selling something on the phone again, which is something I'm so used to doing, which is something I'm so used to doing. Hopefully it'll be something where I can make extra money for us and just do what I can so I can earn a living and add to our, you know, and that's it.

Speaker 1: 3:33

That's what's going on with me today. I'm sad it's gotten me sick. My asthma is really bothering me, my bronchitis, and you know I'm just getting rid of a lot of stuff in here that this apartment that I don't need. You know, really, things I've collected for 10 years that I do not need. I mean, I don't have that much. I have a nice office. I'll move everything to my office. I have a, you know, bedroom. I have a great closet. That's the only thing that really needs to be taken apart and put back in, but it's stressful.

Speaker 1: 4:08

I'm not going to lie. I'm 77 fucking years old. What does that mean? I've been around this earth for a long time, you know, and I really felt very down and degraded and depressed and I really felt like, do I really, do I really want to be here anymore? I really I never thought that way before. Do I really want to live on this earth now with the way the world is, and have to go through all sorts of sad things and having to move again? And you know, do I really want that in my life? I don't know. You know, I thought about it and then, you know, I'm a depressive. I'm a naturally depressive.

Speaker 1: 4:51

I'm talking to all of you from the bottom of my heart and telling you how I feel. You know, today is my 18 year old, my eldest grandson's 18 year old. He's 18 today, jackson Craig Butcher, and I haven't seen him in 13 years and that's heartbreaking, but I'm'm gonna put it out there right now because he's 18. I've always been in my heart, jackson. You're never out of my heart. I even have a picture, your baby picture. So I miss, miss you, jackson Craig. I just miss you very much. I just got to say that.

Speaker 1: 5:37

But speaking on this podcast today and talking about where I'm at, I could take all of my posters down and I have a lot of stuff. But what does it all mean? You know, it's just things and it's just stuff and I don't know what. You know, I really don't know what my purpose is in this world anymore. You know, I have no idea.

Speaker 1: 6:05

I have a God-given talent of singing and acting and funny. You know that has never really reached the zenith of what I hoped it would for me, that I could hope to impart my talent to the world and help people in whatever way I could. I mean, you know, basically that was my dream, but so far it hasn't happened. It's almost happened a couple of times, like last year when I was on Night Court. That was a dream come true for me and other brands that I've represented, you know, like different things, like Aura Wheat last year and the year before, where it's like Flamin' Hot Sh. Right, of course, right. Before. Where it's like flaming hot right, of course right.

Speaker 1: 7:02

So you know my husband's driving for Lyft, which is amazing, and I'm looking for it. I may drive for Lyft. I don't know what I want to do. The world is just you. You know, upside down, and you know I'm just spouting out all my thoughts. Today it's Sunday, it's the 6th of July, and I'm just spouting out all my ideas and my thoughts and focusing on my Alcoholics Anonymous program, because that's where I need to be.

Speaker 1: 7:31

But yes, I did think of unaliving myself weeks ago. I would just go to sleep. That's what I felt like. I would just go to sleep. Then I wouldn't have to worry about anything and everybody could just handle everything after me. But I'm not going to do that, so I'm just letting you all know I changed my mind, thank God, and you know I'm not going to do that. So I'm just letting you all know I changed my mind, thank God, and you know I'm just going to become that zenith, that betty white, you know, or sophia petrillo, that I really wanted to be. I may never, and if that's the case, that's just the way it is and that's the way it's going to be.

Speaker 1: 8:18

So I have to do what's in front of me every day, whatever that's going to be, what's ever in front of me, I just have to turn it on. This is my confession today. Ok, turn it over, one day at a time with my higher power. You know I listen to so many different things. You know on so many positive affirmations and has a right and all sorts of stuff, but this is this is my confession about what's really going on with me. This is my confession about what's really going on with me. So I started getting rid of stuff that I don't need and I got a lot of stuff here, bunches and bunches of stuff in my office which is the easiest to move. Trust me, all that stuff is going to be easy, very easy. It's the closet. That's the biggest thing for me, because I got a lot of stuff in there and that closet is very, very, very, very important to me. I know that sounds so silly, right, but it just represents organization and not clutter, which is a very important thing of mine not to have clutter in my life. So that's where I'm at today, sunday the 6th.

Speaker 1: 9:25

Happy birthday, jackson Craig Butcher. Wherever you are, your TikTok bubby, your bubby, is very proud of you. I believe you will do great things in this world, and I know you will, and so will your brothers. So if nobody told you they love you today, I love you because you're. You Keep doing what you're doing. You're a great swimmer. I know you're going to do great in this world. You're a cancer, which is even better, and I love you very, very much. I hope I.