Black Boomer Besties from Brooklyn
This is what the world needs now: two free-thinking “seasoned” Black women speaking their truth and inspiring others to do the same. Shaped by 45 years of friendship that began at the prestigious Brooklyn Technical High School through the Ivy League, medical school, marriages, divorces, triumphs, parenting queer children, life-threatening illness and many many amazing adventures. Each week, besties Leslie Osei-Tutu and Angella Fraser will push against boundaries in love, culture, careers, faith, politics and out-dated assumptions about women of a certain age. Remember, you’re never too old to change your mind…or your hair! (but more on that later :-)All views are our own and do not reflect the views of our institution/company. Information provided is not intended to serve as medical advice.
Black Boomer Besties from Brooklyn
Accountability: Confrontation & Confessions
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Angella and Leslie have returned from their reboot week vacation. The gloves come off in this “tell-all” episode: what worked and what came up short of their expectations - or should we say “who” came up short? Were the besties able to stay out of the big box stores? Did the accountability partners stay true to their missions? And what was that very thing that, much to Angella’s consternation, Leslie decided just had to come home with them?
Visit Black Boomer Besties from Brooklyn website for behind-the-scenes extras.
Hey Edge.
SPEAKER_00Hey Les, how you doing? We're not together anymore. I know. But that's okay. We're together in spirit. And on spirit. And on Zoom.
SPEAKER_02Zoom, yeah. Zoom. All right, taking over our world. I know I'm back in Jersey. Back to work. Back to reality.
SPEAKER_00Back to life. Back to the present.
SPEAKER_02You would use any opportunity to get me.
SPEAKER_00Listen, it's just what I do. That's okay. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Welcome to another episode of Black Boomer Besties from Brooklyn.
SPEAKER_03Brooklyn.
SPEAKER_02Would you call this the uh tell all episode?
SPEAKER_00They are all tell-all episodes. Um, so I wouldn't call this one the tell-all episode. I think this one will be the We Fight Two episode. The reveal. The gloves are off. Tell it like you really mean it. Tell it like a T-I-S. Yeah, this is um, yeah, because we are gonna um uh talk about how how our reboot week went with with all the gloves off. Okay. We're gonna tell the truth and shame the devil. I don't have any black eyes, so I kind of like it. Listen, we that's not the way we fight. We don't fight. It's not the way we are um in uh disagreement. Okay, it's not the way. It's always with respect, babe. You know, we shouldn't scare everybody. We're cool. I still love you're all right, even though you abused me over the week.
unknownIt's okay.
SPEAKER_00There was no, there was no abuse going on. I just had to tell you about yourself. No, it was it wasn't that bad. It was um, but I'd love to talk about it to see how you experienced the week, and we're referring to our our reboot or wellness week as you coined it. I like that, you know. I love alliteration. And um, so I'd love you for you to tell me how you thought it went. Um and um yeah, because sometimes things don't go as planned, but they are still beautiful and even even better in different ways than than we could have thought. And that's kind of how I felt. But I won't say anything more. We'll just kind of get into it. And um didn't know. How do you want to jump in? How do you want to jump in?
SPEAKER_02I want to jump in by saying I think it went better for me than it went for you.
SPEAKER_00Oh, you think so? I do, I think so. All right, okay, if you say so, no. Um so I so you you know the things that gave me angst, right? It was the but you said you said this was gonna be no big box stores, no shopping, whatever. I told you that I did not have good willpower around that, so we needed to just buckle down and and I was your accountability partner. You were my accountability partner, and um you didn't do too well with me. You didn't do too well with that. Uh but I I know that there are reasons, and I know that at the end of the day, what you wanted is for us to have um a good time. You just thought that things were required that I didn't think were required, right? And vice versa. Okay, what do you mean? What did you think uh what what did I think was required that you did not think?
SPEAKER_02Well, let me just tell you, I was thinking about this. I think it was in the middle of our week, and we started noticing that things were getting a little tight and we weren't necessarily keeping to the schedule or you know, doing the things that we discussed. But we discussed a lot of different things.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_02So you asked me, I remember where I was standing, you said to me, Les, tell me what if we didn't get done would be okay with you, and you would still feel like you would be okay with this.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_02And I said, beach, massage, and there was one other thing I said, and Angie looked like you almost wanted to pass out like you had a heart attack. Because the beach because it was those three very things that were requirements for you, and I'm like, we can get rid of the beach, the massages, and the cooking glasses. That's what I said, and they were like the only thing on your must do list, so not so bad for the hand to be on.
SPEAKER_00But we're not everything I wanted, and everything that you agreed that would be our week, you were okay with not having. No wonder I felt betrayed, no wonder I felt betrayed, and even though you were like, well, maybe we could get those in, I'm like, Les, it's different.
SPEAKER_02But after that, it was dead for you. And here's the thing, Ange.
SPEAKER_00I think it was dead. What do you mean?
SPEAKER_02Like, like, I'm like, we can go to the beach, and you're like, but you're but you're not into it like I'm into it.
SPEAKER_00So now even though we're going to the beach, I did not do that with my head.
SPEAKER_02You didn't, but here's that was not me. You said like this. So no, but even when we went to the beach, right? It's it's like it you couldn't enjoy it the way you would have because you knew that, or you felt that I was going just to please you and not to please me.
SPEAKER_00Okay, so so now you're putting words into my mouth. So that's how well let me tell you how I really felt, right? Because even before we got to the beach, um I I was feeling much better because you know, I just I don't have to have things just a certain way. What I have to have is communication.
unknownOkay.
SPEAKER_00I I have to have, if there's a change, we need to talk about it. Not there's a change, we're just gonna carry on like nothing happened. That is what drives me nuts. But no. But let me finish, hold on. Okay, but we talked about it. You told me that those things weren't important to you. I told you that they were to me.
SPEAKER_02No, you're missing your misunderstanding. Okay. I told you that those are things that I would still be satisfied with if they did not happen. That's not the same as not being important. I love massages, I like the beach. Okay, but if those things didn't happen, I would still feel satisfied because so many satisfying things happen for me during the week. That's what the truth is.
SPEAKER_00Okay, okay, I get that. And um words matter, so we will have a semantic conversation because it's it's the nuance of words that matter. So when I say that they weren't important, I mean they weren't important to meeting the goals of the week. They were not important for meeting the goals of the week to you.
SPEAKER_02They were not necessary for me saying the goals were met.
SPEAKER_00Yes. Okay, but we left saying that those are the things we were gonna do. So so do you understand why I felt that there was a disconnect because you said that those were the things? That's true. We were giddy, we were giddy talking about them. I get it, sure. So, so, but you um you acknowledge that, at least whatever you said made me feel like you acknowledge that. And so by the time we got to the beach, I was really good. It was a nice day. Um, I I knew that you heard me, and I also knew that it didn't um it didn't make sense to stay in a funk because that wouldn't have helped anything, you know what I mean? We made it to the beach. We could exactly we I would have come back in in a deficit if I stayed in a funk. It's like for the time we had left, it was important to just kind of figure out what was going to be satisfying and make that work. And so by the time we got to the beach, I thought the beach was amazing. Okay, you left me the alone, and I proved to you that the table wasn't necessary because I put my bottle of water in the sand and I brought it to your attention. So, no, we didn't need the table because you did not take a little table to the beach. At the beach, you don't need the table. So, so so I felt I felt good. And we did try to do the massage. And in in looking for it, it it was so hard to find something that worked. Exactly why I gave it up way earlier than you did.
SPEAKER_02So that's why if it didn't get done, it was fine with me because we couldn't experience the massage the way that we initially talked about it. So I gave that up when you stopped looking. If you ever started, because I started a long time ago.
SPEAKER_00I I I did start, but okay, so the other things that caused some uh um tension was how much time was spent going to stores and making arrangements for people to come and work on the house and you know, all the all the stuff. The stuff that I saw you getting excited about, and this was the thing the stuff that I saw you getting excited about had nothing to do with a reboot. It had everything to do with the things that we said we weren't gonna do. So that was like, what the hell? What the hell? On the other hand, I was so happy that you were getting these things done, and that created such a conflict for me. It was like, why am I putting her feelings before mine? What is that?
SPEAKER_02That wallpaper was fantastic, right?
SPEAKER_00It's fucking amazing.
SPEAKER_02Maybe I'll put a picture.
SPEAKER_00I could not believe that.
SPEAKER_02But his it wasn't exactly that. Okay. However, however, I did admit that I wasn't.
SPEAKER_00Say it louder, please. Say it louder, please. Say it louder. I want this in writing. I want this in writing. Let me not interrupt you. Start over. Wait, wait.
SPEAKER_02I did admit that you were wrong. You were wrong to depend on me and think that I could do this. And I realized that I never should have made this, I never should have gotten your hopes up in this way. Because it wasn't it was not something that I would have been able to do. And I wasn't.
SPEAKER_00Once we decided where to go, that was a problem, right? Yes.
SPEAKER_02Once we decided to there was no way I could go there and not do the things that for sure.
SPEAKER_00Right, right, right, right. Yeah, that was satisfying for you to admit that. It was, it was all the stuff. It just it just made it easy after that, and then after that, it was great. You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_02So I should have just said on day one, I was wrong. I could not do this.
SPEAKER_00See ya. No, and then you couldn't have done it, you couldn't have done it day one. You had to go through the process. You know why, Leslie?
SPEAKER_03Why?
SPEAKER_00You know why? Because it's just how you're wired. You wouldn't have arrived to that point if we hadn't gone through it, if you hadn't checked in. You are all about finding the right way to do things, and you would not have acknowledged that that was the right way. You wouldn't have come to realize that that was the right thing on unless you had gone through the wrong ways.
SPEAKER_02And when you say the right way, just that admit I was never able to do it. Is that what you mean?
SPEAKER_00Well, yeah. Um, okay. You were able to, because to me, when I say right, I mean that you were able to reconcile what was what my abilities are. Right, right, right, right. Yeah. But it it was still a great time, and um we do have pictures and videos to share. If you guys follow us on our um social media, you will see pictures that we took and um videos and things like that. We were able to go into the pool. That was so much fun.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, that was fun. But Ang, yes, we spent a lot of time talking on like some disappointments and what didn't happen. We didn't talk about our accomplishments. Okay, you start. Are you suggesting that there were none?
SPEAKER_00No, I'm I said you start. I'm being courteous.
SPEAKER_02Okay, so and this is why those three items that I mentioned were no longer mandatory for me because to me I gained so much more. We ate and dined in a way that was fantastic.
SPEAKER_00That's true.
SPEAKER_02We did not eat out at restaurants, we cooked, we ate fruit and vegetables. So, just in terms of um changing my diet, that was very helpful for me because there's a lot of carryover since I've been back. The second thing we got exercising. We did, yeah, and that was on our goal list.
SPEAKER_00It was on our goal list. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Um, so we kept up our levels of activity, you know, I think really well.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Especially me pushing that cart in low. Okay, okay. Flashback, flashback. Okay, sorry.
SPEAKER_00Too soon, too soon, too soon. Okay, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy. No, I agree, I agree that we got those things done, those were important, and um also we got podcasts working. We got podcasts working, and that for me was like we did say that we were gonna do some podcasts when we're down there, but I think we did more than we expected to. Don't mention what happened. Don't mention what happened. You mean don't mention what happened?
SPEAKER_01Don't mention that we did a whole fantastic podcast. Video and audio.
SPEAKER_03So good.
SPEAKER_01Never recorded the video and never recorded the audio.
SPEAKER_00I guess it just wasn't meant to be it wasn't meant to be out in the universe because it was nowhere. There's nothing to explain. There's no explanation.
SPEAKER_01There's we have no idea what happened.
SPEAKER_00We do audio and video on different on different apps. So the fact that neither of them, it just wasn't meant to be.
SPEAKER_01It was not meant to be.
SPEAKER_00Can you let it go? You still can't let it go.
SPEAKER_02I'm starting to I'm starting to loosen my grip on it. But that was painful because we were up till five in the morning. I know you know knocking out these podcasts, yeah, changing our clothes in between each one. I took my hair down, I think, after one of them.
SPEAKER_00Speaking of hair, and it's just lost my headset. And it's like speaking of hair, I got nothing.
SPEAKER_02I just kept looking and looking. There was nothing there. Okay. I'm I'm okay.
SPEAKER_00You couldn't believe it. You were like, can you look like I lost my best word? It was not funny at the time, but um it was hard for Leslie to let go. But I know this happens, you know. As producer, I know it happens. I've seen so many podcasters that have talked about this. It will happen again. I'm not just putting that out in the universe, it will happen again because you know, when we change um equipment, when we get more sophisticated stuff, we're gonna have to learn all of that. And it's probably gonna happen again. And so it's like, whatever. It's not like we're gonna stop talking. Like it's not like we we, you know what I mean? Yeah. We did record um a uh two. A few, yeah. It would have been three. So anyway, so that was okay. That was okay.
SPEAKER_02So for those reasons, those accomplishments, that's why, you know, the other, those other things, um, it was like I was already ahead.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you know, I looked at um my ID, um, and you know, the ID, instinctive drive. So I looked at my report and I looked at the the strategies that someone who's wired like me, my numbers are five, six, two, eight. You guys will hear about that another time. But anyway, um eight means that I like um uh the possibilities. Um I'm always looking at the possibilities of, you know, it's it's I'm I'm not really restricted in what could be um a lot of ideas and things like that. And I realized that I one of the reasons why I was so, so, so, so, so needing this reboot was because I was stuck. I was trying to do some work, um get my coaching program um uh um framed up and just being really clear. And I wanted so much to get into that flow. And I was getting stuck, and I and I looked at my report when I got back and I saw that the things that they suggest as strategies for getting someone like me unstuck was exactly what I did. It said to, yes, it's said to um spend time with with people who give you energy. It's to step away and stop trying to beat your head over it, just step away and let your mind kind of um uh put aside what you were struggling with and just move on to something else. Okay um it was to chunk up the things that I wanted to accomplish into little um into smaller size chunks. And it also said to um to be flexible because what was showing up while I was there and what was giving me so much um angst around things not going the way that I planned was was not really natural to me. I am naturally very flexible. So that it was because I was um in this place where I wasn't in flow that made me um start to feel so like, oh, it's gotta be this way, it's gotta be this way. So I was able to let go because you know we talked it through and I had a better time after that. After what? After I left?
SPEAKER_02No, after you spent seven hours watching your television show. It wasn't seven hours and left me.
SPEAKER_00It wasn't. Please don't listen.
SPEAKER_02There is seven hours watching this show, and and I'm looking and I'm thinking, and this lady is complaining to me that I'm not sticking to the plan.
SPEAKER_00You were sleeping, though.
SPEAKER_02I wasn't.
SPEAKER_00Okay, you were not useful. Can I say Leslie? Come on now. You were either sleeping. Or you were in a state of you were not in the room with me. You weren't in the room with me. I was sitting next to you on the couch. I know, but but whenever whenever I looked at you, you were you were kind of like not disgusted? That's not what I saw. Listen. I had given up button. Listen, so I've given up. So it was a real absurd.
SPEAKER_02But you remember when I said to you, this is one more. You just have one more.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I did. So there's a show called Um Uh A Place to Call Home. It is a like six-season long um uh pro show program. I never get those words right because to me it was always a show back home. But anyway, and it takes place in Australia around um in the 1940s, 1950s, and it's about this family, and it's just after the war, and and it's just my type of show, and I it just sucked me in. It's and I thought I had seen it before.
SPEAKER_02You in on our wellness week. Okay. But you see, I didn't complain about it. We're not the same.
SPEAKER_00Clearly. We're not the same. Listen, I gave you grace. You did give me grace. You did me, did give me grace. I thank you for that. Here's the thing, just based on what you said, so let me just say something more broadly, right?
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_00Um we can't expect people to behave the same way that we would behave. You you know, and I'm I'm guilty of that too, of course. I'm not saying you, I'm just saying that when when we say, oh, I wouldn't have done that, well, you have your own things that you get upset about. And I have my own things. So right. So the fact that you didn't get upset at that, great. Don't. That's not you'll there is stuff that you'll get upset about, and then you'll have your turn. But you're not maybe I should rephrase it.
SPEAKER_02Maybe I should rephrase it. I was upset about it. I just let it go. It wasn't worth talking about. I just said there goes our evening.
SPEAKER_00I I I I didn't realize. I didn't realize, but I I appreciate the grace. Um, if it were bothering you um more than your grace could handle, I know that I know that you would have told me. But I appreciate that. But no, no, no, no.
SPEAKER_02And in all honesty, this is really what I thought, and I really had no interest in the show at all. Right. But and you were so totally engaged, so then we and you and I were not necessarily together while you were watching this, even though we were sitting next to each other. But I knew that it's free time, it's vacation time. Right. This is not something that you would take the time out of your otherwise busy time to do.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_02So this is this was all part of it, you know. If you wanted to spend an evening binge watching some ridiculous show, oops, that's okay.
SPEAKER_00It's my it's my Commonwealth, my Commonwealth TV.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, exactly. Um, yeah, that that's the way I looked at it.
SPEAKER_00I appreciate it. And it wasn't because the the next day you knew that you were gonna go to Lowe's again. And so it didn't. Oh no, no. No, okay.
SPEAKER_02I did not go to Lowe's again. We went to stop.
SPEAKER_00Just checking. Okay. Okay. All right. One Lowe's, but Walmart and um a few other places.
SPEAKER_02But I did, I did, I'll say it again. I did plan to sneak out early in the morning before you woke up.
SPEAKER_00The truth comes out. The truth comes out. Um, you know, Les, there was something else that um that I wanted to talk to you about in regard to this, right? Because um one of the things that I saw happening and I was aware that there was there was really nothing that I could do about it. Uh, and so I had to try to find ways to work within it. So what I'm referring to is that um you are you are so driven, right? You like to check things off list. Many people are, but you to another level, right? And people who are wired like you to another level, right? Um, let me just as an aside, you like to write labels on things. You like to you okay, there was labeling that went on. There was labeling that went on. And so I saw you.
SPEAKER_02I am just the no confusion guy.
SPEAKER_00Okay. So, okay, good. Listen, I'm not sure.
SPEAKER_02I bet you knew which light switches to turn on, right?
SPEAKER_00I knew which light switches, I knew which plates not to take onto the the new um pool side. Um I I knew.
SPEAKER_02I feel like this is an intervention.
SPEAKER_00Here's the thing, here's the thing. No, but but but seriously though, um, and so now you made me lose my train of thought. So I knew that everything that you were doing, like um checking things off the list, like, okay, hey, if I could get a fence guy out here, and if I could get this, and then I'll get the the landscapers to come and do this, and then I'll get you were so excited when people called you back, when um, you know, okay, they're gonna be done at 10, and then we could do this from 10 to 12, and then 12 o'clock we have to be back, like when you know, with the car and all of that. And you were like you were more excited to do that than to go to any beach or any relaxation or anything like that, right? And so what I wanted to talk to you about is the fact that those things that you were doing in any other context, it would be like, wow, that's amazing. That's how you became a success is by being that way. But those kind of being your strengths, when you overuse your strengths, they can become troublesome. They can become your weakness, they can become your vulnerabilities, right? And I'll explain, and then if you're interested, I'll I'll explain how that shows up in my life because it happens to everyone. It's not, I'm not, I'm not picking on you. I just think it's an opportunity to talk about that because it was it was so apparent what was going on. Um, because how could that be wrong? How could you working on things like that? How could you setting up your house in this, you know, the few um times that you have in your schedule to have to do this, how could that be anything negative? And I know that that is the way that you are at home too, right? This you you it's kind of get it done, um stay up all night, get it done. You don't need to rest, get it done, get it done, get it done. And for people who are in relationship with you, whatever, your son, your husband, your family, whatever, um, if they're not wired the same way, that could cause a lot of issues. And you're just happy doing this and seeing nothing wrong. And, you know, well, if you can't stay up, do bad for you, you know, I'm gonna do this because this is the right thing to do and I'm getting things done or blah, blah, blah. But when you're not aware that these things can cause trouble for the people who are around you who are not wired like that, right? Um, it's it's not so good. You're kind of um looking at it only on the positive side, you know, and you're not even interested in. I'm not talking to you. One could even be not interested in seeing these strengths, these talents, these gifts as anything that could be negative.
SPEAKER_02And and I'll I'll give you uh give some examples. Make it I you and I have talked about this before. So um I understand it, but give some examples to make it clearer.
SPEAKER_00So you may be able to right. Well, to you two, because you you want to understand what I'm talking about because I'm directing it at you. But let me give you an example. What happened? Yeah, let me tell you what happened, something that happened. I don't think I've shared this with you, but it is something that um happened with me with my sister-in-law, who is very regimented, you know, um planner, plans meals, plans groceries, puts things in the pantry. Okay, these things will be used on Tuesday, Wednesday. Right. Okay, that that type of thing. And I'm not wired that way. I'm flexible, I'm, you know, um, and the the reason why um I am late sometimes to things, right, is because I'm thinking about the experience. If I'm late because I'm creating more joy for my children or I'm getting one more thing done that will make someone happy, I'm gonna spend the time to do that because I'm thinking five minutes late for this other thing, they they I could be five minutes late, right? Which drives other people crazy. But I'm like, why are you so so uptight? You know, I'm I'm and one day she called me on it. I I was visiting her and my brother and their kids, and I I don't remember the details, I'm just gonna remember the overarching um conversation and and and the feeling and how this is such an example of this. Um, so I arrived at an event, I think that it was. I I arrived late, and I think my kids were with them, and I arrived late. And she, and this was one of the first times that she did this. Um she might have been suffering in silence before, but she said something like, you know, Ange, doesn't it bother you that you had them waiting? And I probably came in with toys or with food that they like or whatever. And I'm thinking, hey, ta-da, I'm here. Look at I brought all these goodies and whatever. If I'm 15 minutes late, I don't know if I was an hour late, 10 minutes late, 15, I don't know. Then we're good. They know that this is how mommy is, right? But when I thought about it more deeply, I was like, that is an example. That is an overused, that is an overused strength because I'm focusing on these things that bring me joy. And I'm thinking, okay, everybody feels like me. They're gonna, they're gonna be just happy that I that I'm bringing them stuff, and I'm not thinking that that could be great, but for them, they're they experienced it as whatever, not knowing if I was coming, disappointment, and really, yeah, it really, really um convicted me, convicted me. Um, and it didn't convict me right away because I remember um last minute decision. I decided to take my nieces to, I was, I was actually gonna be going to your house, and I decided to bring my nieces because they asked me, and I'm like, see, if if if I were this rigid, I would never be able to allow my nieces to have this fun, and I'm still in that mode. Yeah, I justified it, but but that's that's what we do, right? Because these are the things that we do well, we can um um whatever the talent is, but there are people around us who experience it very differently. That's true. And if we're just focused on, you know, kind of our feelings about it and not on theirs, then it's it's not it's not cool at all, you know. So so anyway, as this was going on, I was thinking about that, um, about how and it helped me to kind of understand um what mode you were in, right? And um to to know that, okay, this you this is your wiring, and I can't like beat you over the head because I get a lot of benefit from I get a lot of benefit from this wiring. But but anyway, I just wanted to kind of share that with you that um we that came up for me during the trip, this whole idea of um of um that we have to be aware of how even things that um are things that we are proud of or love about ourselves in excess can really start to show up really negatively.
SPEAKER_02So anyway, yeah, and what it made me think about just our conversations about it, was that I didn't realize until after that mine and your first of all, our motivation for relaxation during this trip was different. Um what was yours? I hadn't had a vacation in a while. I wanted to get away or whatever, but you had more of an emotional need to decompress than I did.
SPEAKER_03I did, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Um and so that that was one thing, but also the way we defined and looked at relaxation and unwinding um and wellness was different.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_02So for me, when I cut out the snacks and when I started eating better, and when I started exercising more, that was wellness to me. And it was like, okay, I'm good, you know what I mean? I'm good.
SPEAKER_00Um I'm good, so I could do this other stuff.
SPEAKER_02Is that true? Well, yeah, and that's also um relaxing for me. Because if I'm like, like to be honest, as you I mean, you know, you're social media lady, so as you're some on on your phone or as you were watching the the television show, right? I'm I'm thinking like I could be doing this right now, but I know she doesn't want me to, you know, get up and start painting. Um if I pull out the tools now, but you know, that would have been a perfect time to do it, but anyway, yeah. Oh no. But um, so I think that we probably didn't speak ahead of time enough about what the expectations were, because I was so quick to what is it that I don't need to do? Massage, cooking class, uh beach. Because I'm like, I got the pool right here. I can forego that, I can relax with my feet in the water, right? Or you know, that kind of thing. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00But let's see, this is okay. So if we hadn't gone there, if we had gone away to Cancun or wherever, um, how would that that have been different for you if you didn't have the the house stuff to distract you? Like Oh, then it would have been beach every day. And Mason three times a day. I mean it would have been it would have been more of what I wanted. Oh, for sure.
SPEAKER_02And that's what I said to you. Right. What I realized is that we needed to take that, we needed to have our experience in a different venue. Right. Okay. It wouldn't, it wasn't possible for me there. Right. And you know, it got complicated because I took mom there and etc. So there was, you know, we didn't just choose to go there or whatever. And it coincided with the pool being finished and exceeding. And you know what?
SPEAKER_00I remember too. I remembered and and I regret this so much. Um giving me a hard time? Yeah, you should be. No, not at all. Not at all. I'm not done giving you a hard time. But no, when I went to Jamaica, I think it's the last time that I went to Jamaica with the kids. It was um, it was a it was a big trip. We stayed pretty long, and um there was a portion of it um where I was so into fixing up the house. I had taken fabric down, you know, I'm into uh upholstering. I was upholstering furniture when I was down there, and my kids were like, Mom, why don't you relax? And I'm like, this is relaxing for me. I had on my Jonathan Butler worship, worship CD, which I just just played until it had no longer had grooves. And I was just in my element, and I could not see until I was removed from it what a disservice I did to them. You know, you know what I mean? I was there with my children. It's not like we travel together that often. It's always really expensive, you know. And we're in Jamaica, you know, if we were at a hotel, I wouldn't have been doing the um upholstering. Right. But I was totally in, I was under a fan, I was totally in my zone. And I thought, oh, they could see that I'm having a good time, you know, they'll they'll understand. And that to me is just another example of, you know, that's a strength for me, you know, doing those types of things, beautifying things. Um and their experience of that strength was so different than mine, and I didn't have the wherewithal in the moment to pull back and see that um that they needed to have a different experience. Yeah, you know, so and there's a couple of good lessons in that, you know.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you know, especially well, well, one thing that you know that me and Ern, we're different people, you know. So very often I feel like he doesn't appreciate my strengths. You know, it's like, oh I'm a great cook and oh, I keep a great house and this and that, you know what I mean? Right, right. Um, but if those things aren't necessarily his love language, or if he doesn't appreciate that, or if that's not his thing, because he'll always say, I don't care about food that much.
SPEAKER_00Right. You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_02So it's almost like it doesn't matter how good a cook you are, he don't care about that. Right, you know.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Um yeah, yeah, I guess I don't know what's a good solution for that, Miss Um Coach.
SPEAKER_00It's to it's to be aware of your vulnerabilities, you know, it's to um be as as um aware of them as you are of your strengths.
SPEAKER_02But you know what, it also says to me that the other person needs to be a little more communicative. For example, you I guess out of frustration, you weren't angry, I don't know. You did kind of curse though, you did curse. You did use an expletive. I'm like, hmm? But um it it almost means that the it would be helpful when the people that you're impacting have a language or a voice to bring that to your attention in that way, you know.
SPEAKER_03Of course.
SPEAKER_02If someone says like you did, like, I want your time, I don't want you to be distracted in this way. It it it brought me out of it, you know. Right, right. And obviously children are too young to and they don't necessarily have that language. Um, and very often um our partners may not either have the right words or even identify it. They just probably know that they have a feeling that they're disconnected or you know, that there's some some ism that's going on, you know?
SPEAKER_00Right, right.
SPEAKER_02So that means their own.
SPEAKER_00Well, those who know better do better, right? And I I think that to kind of fall back into well, they need to communicate more, yes, and you know that you're overdoing it. Or um, this is helping, this is another one of the things that I would do. I would substitute um I was such a workaholic. I still am, really. I'm just much more aware of it now and willing to shut it down than I than I had been before. Because there were always excuses. Well, I have to work. Well, you know, I'm the head of household. I I have to do this. At really, I could have made the eight hours, it's never eight hours, but I could have made those eight hours of work time much more productive than expanding it to a 12, 13, 14-hour day to s just to say that I'm that I'm working, right? Um you you those are the things that you have to do with the knowledge that you have that level of control. You can't leave it up to someone else to say, well, you should have told me that you wanted my time.
SPEAKER_02You know, some of that is taking ownership of of your own shit and saying, Yeah, I I I get that, but what I'm what I'm not getting is how does one know that the surrounding people are being negatively impacted? I mean, it almost means that you have to have some knowledge into their heads.
SPEAKER_00And you do. The you've you know, your son, your husband, you've known them a long time. They don't have a damn refining around. No, no, no, no. It's it's different things, but the labeling, it's a lot, right? Because what happens is when you do your labeling, when your labels are ignored, I mean, let's you put labels on your dish soap, which is dish soap, which is hand soap, right? Exactly, exactly, exactly, of course you do, of course you do, but first of all, I can't believe you exposed me in that way. Well, they already don't make original.
SPEAKER_02They're not in their original containers. Why would you want to pick up dish soap to wash your hands? So it would bother me because I don't like the way that feels on my hands.
SPEAKER_00Well, here in herein lies the issue. Okay. It's I'm not bossy, I'm just helpful. Okay, I've seen that in your house. It's that same statement, yes, on a on a yeah, in your kitchen. So that's the thing. It's like these little things, it's it's that, it's don't put that there. It's, you know, did you do this? It's it's all of those things. You know, don't pretend like you don't know when when it's it's too much. You'll know when you really start digging in. Eh, they oughta. That's when you know that you're doing too much, when it's like, ah, they oughta. I'm fine.
SPEAKER_02They ought to be the ones that's what that in the OR sometimes do. Listen, you and I have had a similar conversation about this, and I walked in. And as I started talking, I'm like, even I'm sick of hearing myself complaining. Oh, this needs to be this. Oh, this needs to be, you know.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, that. Yeah, I'm exactly you know, you know, you know what it is, you know what it is, and we all kind of everybody's responsible for their own stuff, right? But you and I do a lot of um introspection and so on, and so we know, we know when it is, and it's not the time to just dig in our heels and say, well, this is how I am, and I'm wonderful, and you know, they need to get over it. Because that's usually when it happens, when you really feel like um you're forcing them to get over it. Exactly. I'm gonna do it more than um, so it's just uh it's just an awareness. But all in all, it was a great trip. I enjoyed spending time with you so very much. I'm so glad that everything that got done got done, um, including this, the the work on the house. And we both look a little tanner. We got a little tan, we got a little tan, enjoyed ourselves. I ate uh many mangoes, many, many mangoes, and that's my happy place. Found some rum cake, all the things. So it was a great time, and I can't wait to be with you again.
SPEAKER_02All right, all right, this has been another episode of Black Boomer Bessies from Brooklyn. I can't believe you outed me. Bye, guys.
SPEAKER_03Bye.
