Black Boomer Besties from Brooklyn
This is what the world needs now: two free-thinking “seasoned” Black women speaking their truth and inspiring others to do the same. Shaped by 45 years of friendship that began at the prestigious Brooklyn Technical High School through the Ivy League, medical school, marriages, divorces, triumphs, parenting queer children, life-threatening illness and many many amazing adventures. Each week, besties Leslie Osei-Tutu and Angella Fraser will push against boundaries in love, culture, careers, faith, politics and out-dated assumptions about women of a certain age. Remember, you’re never too old to change your mind…or your hair! (but more on that later :-)All views are our own and do not reflect the views of our institution/company. Information provided is not intended to serve as medical advice.
Black Boomer Besties from Brooklyn
Ep 40 S4/4 The Meaning of Bestieship
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Does one really need a “bestie”? That Ride or Die, Against All Odds, Knows Where the Skeletons Are Buried pal who just seems to ‘get you’? Ang doesn’t think it's a requirement and just when she thinks Les has been convinced, no dice.
What they absolutely do agree on is the integrity, trust and freedom that continues to strengthen their special bond; and both hope others can find the same.
Visit Black Boomer Besties from Brooklyn website for behind-the-scenes extras.
Hello. What's up, Leslie? What's cooking? What's happening in the something? What's something in the something day? All good.
SPEAKER_00I'm gonna be a little extra toothy. Oh. For this episode. Because I just left the dental hygienist.
SPEAKER_04Did you say it's going to be a little toothy? You're so extra toothy.
SPEAKER_00So listen. I went to ask her about whitening agents. And she said to me, why? You don't need any whitening agents. It looks like you whitened your teeth. I said, never mind. You were like Peace Goods.
SPEAKER_04She just, she just snatched money right from her hands.
SPEAKER_00My goodness. She gave me the $400 option or the $75 at home option. I chose the zero option.
SPEAKER_04The free 99 option. So oh my gosh. Yeah, oh Lord, please. Okay. Well, welcome to another episode of Black Boomer Besties from Brooklyn.
SPEAKER_03Brooklyn.
SPEAKER_00Hey.
SPEAKER_03Good to have you with us again. We are yeah, still, still bestiing, um, still living life and um enjoying this this um sisterhood right here. I I uh last week I saw a post on Facebook. It's a friend of my niece, and she mentioned that um because of some experiences she had in the past decades ago, she's never let someone in. Romantically, you mean? No, no, she's um long time married, beautiful family, and all of that. No, as a bestie, no one holds that um singular place in her in her life. Um and I and and you know, I I met um her and her family. Um there she's originally from North Carolina, and um, so I met her and her family. Natalie visited, and then they came because they had been living uh in another state, whatever. So I met her and her family um many years ago, but we still keep in touch on Facebook, and um what I loved about what she wrote, first of all, it's sad to me how vulnerable. Well, we can talk about that, right? Um because you you don't you don't know what you are missing sometimes, you know what I mean, if you never had it. Um but but I love reading her posts. They're they're often long, um, they're really introspective. And um and this one in particular, even though she's had that experience, um she she actually said that um she it it it's one of her regrets that she did not um that she allowed herself to be closed off because of um some some pain. And I I think we do that in in different different ways.
SPEAKER_00You you may be in others, but um no. Um it's just probably in different areas, you know. Yeah, not in friendship zone. Right. I feel safe in that regard, but yeah, unsafe in many others, you know.
SPEAKER_03Right, right.
SPEAKER_00It almost sounds to me though that she's using that platform, that social media platform, almost as a friend, you know. Yeah, oh that's a good way to look at her long, with her long posts and intuitive things and and introspection. Yeah, yeah, who you is the problem. Listen, the problem with that though is though, while it seems safe, it's not safe at all. What do you mean to be to put your deepest thoughts and ideas, and I'm not saying it is, but I'm just saying the assuming that platforms like Facebook are safe spaces for that level of introspection and revelation.
SPEAKER_03It's it's out there, it's it's not on that platform, but it's just as public.
SPEAKER_00Right, but I don't have a problem with you know with being uh uh revealing myself. I'm not in a in a uh mindset of wondering if it's safe to, you know, uh I don't give a shit.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, you know, well I I think I think um maybe neither does she. I think um that um perhaps she's um using it to um push push herself now that to be to be more great that way, you know.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you know, um I think though that there's more harm in being vulnerable on social media than it is one-on-one with someone that is your friend or best friend or something like that, you know.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah, but it's I mean I get it, yeah, I get it, I get it, and um one thing I want to say before I forget, because you know me and forgetting, um, is that I mentioned you and um I mentioned how I never want to I never want to take what we have for granted. Not that I ever will. It's it's just like not even, but it just kind of reinforced the um uh the how special uh this relationship with is with you, um, but also and and and I think it's a it's a good um model even for best friendhood, bestieship, because sometimes I see posts about best friends, and I'm like, I would never do that with Leslie. I would never I'll give you some examples. I would never have that expectation of Les or she of me, right? Like one of them I saw with um someone is like hurriedly like leaving the house and just just running, right? And the caption said, me running to tell my bestie what somebody told me not to tell. Oh and I'm like oh no, that's not no, that's not what Leslie wouldn't so disrespect, yeah. Like that would no, I wouldn't. But people don't believe, but people don't believe that that we that we have that, like you know what, I would never do that.
SPEAKER_00But but it's that's not related to best friend, that's related to your personal integrity, exactly, right, right. So it's not like it doesn't, if I didn't have a best friend, if I had five best friends, if someone, if I told someone I wasn't gonna mention it or repeat it, right? I never do. I never do, or if I had trouble with it, in fact, this is something I may have said to my mom um a few times that that's not a secret I can keep. So I'm not agreeing to that. Yeah, I'm not agreeing to that. So I'm telling you now, I'm gonna tell.
SPEAKER_03And even in our friend circle, there are people, I'm sure, who don't believe that when either of us say, you know, Ange doesn't know, or right, or um just just between you and I, I don't think that they would believe that that would absolutely be honored. It's almost like, well, I know Leslie's gonna hear, but that's all and you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_00And it's like, no, Leslie wouldn't want to hear, but because we're people of integrity, yeah. And it's a little insulting when people think that even a best friend can breach that level of integrity. Well, I think you know, and I'm not a liar. If I say I'm not gonna say anything, I'm not gonna say anything. This is what I'm saying. Yeah, it's what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_03You know me to say things that are not true. This is what I'm saying, and I'm always like, look, you will know when I lie, it's because I'm deathly afraid of you. And that's not good either. I'm lie, I'm lying to get out to to to to be safe. Um, if you're about to do, if I feel like I am in danger, I may lie and say, No, I my dog is here. I gotta, I got, I got five dogs.
SPEAKER_04Don't come in the house. You know what I mean? That's the kind of this gun is not loaded.
SPEAKER_03It is not a fake gun. It is real. Things like that. But otherwise, it's like, why would we want to get trapped in a lie?
SPEAKER_00It's just over nonsense, usually, you know, over somebody else's secret.
SPEAKER_03Some I I just like we always say even my own affair, I'm confessing to. Like we always say we're not strategic in that way. No, we don't have a map.
SPEAKER_00And I don't have a good enough memory. Exactly. I wouldn't remember the line. I wouldn't remember the line. I'd be like, I look like a liar.
SPEAKER_03But this is what so I can't remember some of the other ones that that I've seen. It's like, no, that is not what best friendship looks like. But I think those types of things give it give it a bad name. You know what though?
SPEAKER_00Thinking back to um Nat's friend, it's not too late to have a best friend.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Yeah. And I and I don't know that you that you need to have a one. It's great if you do, but I I wouldn't put the pressure on anyone to feel the need to acquire one. You could have um friends that that have different um different roles in your life, right? Um and you know what I mean? It doesn't have to be a single one. I'm not saying it's possible for you and I.
SPEAKER_00I'm just saying that I'm just saying I'm surprised that you're not touting the necessity of a bestie. Or a few besties. Why do you think so? Do you think someone all right I mean why do you think I would?
SPEAKER_03What that you would what? Why are you surprised that I would not advocate for a single bestie?
SPEAKER_00Because you understand the benefit of having a single bestie.
SPEAKER_03I do, but I also understand how unique and special that is, and I it's it's almost like the unicorn. Well, it's it's like I don't want people to think that if they don't have this, then I have nothing, nothing, nothing if I don't have here.
SPEAKER_00She goes, every episode there has to be a song. If I don't, so it's just kind of to take the pressure off because I I I don't think it's um, yeah, I don't think it's you know, I was I was thinking the same thing about having a sister, and many people don't have sisters, and then many people who have sisters are not very close to their sisters, yeah. But I can't even imagine what my life would be like without me, like yeah, I can't even imagine. Same, same, same, but but yeah, and and what you know, I'm like, because like I sometimes I'll ask women, do you have a sister? And they're like, Yeah, and then I'm I want to say, like, you guys close, like you know, like what's that about? You know, but it's like, yeah, you know, I can go on and on about how much he adds to my life, and I'm not gonna spend that time here. But she adds a lot to my life, I tell you that. She she does. To the point where I think that I either I thought it recently or I said it to her, but maybe I didn't say it to her because it would have been a little too random and she would have thought that I was a little crazy. Um, but she recently had a birthday, and I was just thinking, like, okay, I have to die before you that's so selfish of me. But I'm like, I need to die before her because I don't want to lose my sister, so I wouldn't mind going into heck with any pain that might cause other people. Right, right, right. As long as I'm protected, I'm good.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah. You know, I I I think that um just just friendships, trusting trusting friendships, um, that's really the important thing to have people around you that you um trust and that you um that you can like okay, so you and I one thing that I do talk to you about my business and things having to do with my life as an entrepreneur and things like that, but that's something that you couldn't really understand, you know, and so I have an entrepreneurship community, and you may hear about 10% of what I talk about in there, but I have a group of of women that I'm forming relationships with because it's I'm fairly new to the community, and we're all entrepreneurs, and so I can get really deep specific questions. Um it's a reciprocal situation. So I can so that's an example to me of having people in your life who you can go to for different things, and maybe one person you can go to for four of the 20 things that you talk about on a regular basis, but having people I think you're speaking about the richness of having a broad, diverse village, village, right?
SPEAKER_00But a bestie, you know, obviously you're not speaking about those people being besties, you better not be. Right, but but yeah, yeah, I think we all especially come on, I'm 61 years old. In 61 years, I've curated a village, yes, you know, that is very useful to me, you know, and you to them, and I, you know, I I feel badly for people who haven't had the benefit of that, right? You know, sometimes bringing back to having uh being close with your sister, I was thinking, like, man, people who are not close with their sister, let's just say, they don't know what they're missing, you know, and I it's it's you know, a little yeah, right, yeah.
SPEAKER_03I I I think what I and what I consider though is okay, a little bit of a tributary, tributary warning. Some of kind of my my kind of wanting to push back on some of those ideas of oh, if you only it's the way I feel when people talk about marriage. Oh, my husband is all of this, and I don't know, I feel so bad for people who haven't found that their special person that they um that they want to marry, as if singlehood and and or or dating or having various relationships isn't another way to have a lot of joy and fulfillment and all of that in your life. So it's kind of this. I'm always going to push against this idea of there's a single way to get to a particular outcome. Yeah, yeah. Um, yeah, you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_00Exactly, or to fulfillment. Exactly. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03So whether you have a sister or don't have a sister, or bestie, or bestie or don't have a bestie. Yeah, um, there's no barrier to get one. You see what I have to do?
SPEAKER_04I think I'm getting through, don't I think I'm getting through, but wrong again.
SPEAKER_00I got an entrepreneurship idea. What? Rent a bestie.
SPEAKER_03Oh my gosh. No, that's not no that wouldn't wouldn't even make it to the pitch competition. Okay. It would not even make it. But yeah, you are right. You're right. So I did tell you about something that I've been working on. What do you mean? Writing well, in my business, by the way, my coaching program is launching on September 1st. I know I haven't shared a lot about it here. Um I'm starting with a small group and um getting feedback, and then I'll do kind of the full launch. Um, so if you're interested, I am giving a discount for the small group because I'm asking for something. I'm asking for feedback. I'm asking for if you're thoroughly delighted for a testimonial. Um, and so since I'm asking, um, you still get the the full course, um, just we'll put a link somewhere, reach out, and um, I would be happy to let a few more people in. But anyway, so I'm gonna get busy.
SPEAKER_00So tell me about the course. What are you talking about? Well, well, tell us about the course.
SPEAKER_03So what I've pulled together is a specific way of getting to from where you are now, which is struggling with making decisions, and it's for people in our age group, right, who are experiencing things like making a decision about retirement or making a decision about a big a big life change, or you know, you're kind of or an empty nester and you're making a decision around, you know, have I next move or right. Have I had all the fulfillment that I would like to have? And what can I create for myself, whether it's something you want to monetize or not? Um, what can I create for myself? And so I I believe that when you are aware of what your gifts are, when you love what your gifts are, and when you use them, the more that you use them, the more that you not only have a lot of joy in your life, but you're also less likely to be confused and um have a lot of stop starts, and um and you you start to learn about what your needs are and um what is required for you to be at your best. And that to me feeds all of these decisions around what to what to do in your life, right? What you say yes to, what you say no to. So I've put all of that into this this package, and I'm still kind of working on the name, but the the working name right now is um elevate your joy. And um, so I'm developing um the the the program has been developed, but I'm bringing on a few people to work through it with me. It's a 30-day program, and um give me feedback, and then I'll tweak it and then I'll launch it. Right after that, I'll launch it. So I'm hoping by um mid-October I will full-on launch it. Uh be able to share more about it.
SPEAKER_00I'll tell you from what I've seen, it yeah, looks like a winner. I mean, I'll tell you what I why I think it would be beneficial to people in that uh demographic, let's say. For one, you know, like people make big decisions like early in their lives, like in their 20s, 30s, right? And then they, you know, fulfill those things and live out whatever. But then people in our age, you know, 60s, we're starting to. To leave a career and transition to either a smaller household or a lighter workload or different relationships or what have you. You know, so it does bring a lot of confusion sometimes to people who have had who've been at the top of their game, you know, and that type of change is a scary thing. It's like, I used to be so confident. Why am I having doubts here? Exactly. Exactly.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Exactly. That is exactly the the person, and I would imagine it's going to be predominantly women. Um, but it's it's that person, and it's at that point in their in their lives that I it's like I've been a boss all my career. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00You know, why does this feel so yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03And some of the decisioning is around whether that's what you want to keep doing, right? So let's say you retire. Well, if you did a certain type of work, it doesn't mean that that's what you have to continue doing, right? Unless that work brought you a lot of joy.
SPEAKER_00But so much of our professional lives are what have has defined us for so long, we expect that it's gonna define us forever, that there's nothing else in there. Exactly.
SPEAKER_03Exactly.
SPEAKER_00You know, and for those of us who have had career changes, we know that, you know, and especially people who are introspective about it.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah. There's more to it, there's more there. Right. I think a part of that too is challenging whether um a lot of people get burnt out at work. Oh, yeah, right? Yeah, and if that is what it created for you is burnout, um, might you want to choose something that is the opposite of burnout? It's something that is joy-filled, um, something that is it's now your time to choose and to create what that is that you want to walk into your next chapter.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And um, so that's what the program is about. But the reason why I mention it here is because I've been, you wanted to say something?
SPEAKER_00Well, what I was also saying is that I don't think people necessarily have to leave their current situations in order to find more joy in them. I think it might just mean a mind shift.
SPEAKER_02Absolutely right.
SPEAKER_00You know, and it might mean looking at things a little bit differently or um modifying your outlook or your work schedule or whatever, so that it's more accommodating to who you are now versus who you were when you first started. So it doesn't necessarily mean you need to, you know, change careers completely or whatever. Because I listen, I'm not good with change either. I find a hairstyle and 34 years later, it's the same hairstyle.
SPEAKER_03You know, I just that, you know, that is what I wanted to talk to you about because I'm writing not my hair. I I'm I'm writing some some emails about my program, right? And one of the things that um that is a part of deciding um what to address in in your emails is what are the problems that people are feeling that you want to help them solve? Like what what what are they going through right now? And so one of the emails that I just wrote is about um change being scary.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And so even if we're in circumstances that we're not a hundred percent satisfied with, yeah, yeah, it's change is scary. We don't necessarily want to leave it into the unknown. Exactly, exactly.
SPEAKER_03So what what I was considering is all the things, especially for these this this group of people that I'm talking about, including you and I, there's so many things in our lives that we have accomplished, don't even think about anymore that have been scary as hell. And not only did we do them, but we don't even think about them anymore because they're so far in the past. It doesn't mean that they were not as scary as hell, but they're no longer scary because you've done it. And so that next thing that you see in front of you that is scaring you as hell.
SPEAKER_00We've done things that were scary as hell, and we don't even remember, you know, it takes other people.
SPEAKER_03It takes other people, and this is going way, you know, you can start with way back kindergarten. I start in kindergarten. I recently saw a picture of um of my my second child who um it was him getting on the bus, his first day of kindergarten, and I could see the fear in him because I he does something with his hands, and I saw that in the picture of him getting on a bus for the first time without his mother. What? And he was petrified, he was petrified. I could see it, and I re it it just brought back all those memories. And today he gets on a bus fearlessly. Today he moved his butt to the West Coast, living the life of Riley, and I always thought that he would be the one who would stay close. No, he's the one that's furthest away, yeah. So, this idea about what we think we can accomplish or how much we can lean into fear and how much we can get to the other side of it is what I um it's a part of what I will get people to kind of tease out and be reminded of how that's what much they've accomplished.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Yeah. So because we we tend to, our mind makes us forget about the difficult things or whatever. I re I was having a conversation with Monique some time ago, and I said something like, Oh, it's so sad that such and such is dealing with this or whatever, you know. I can't even imagine what that's like. And she's like, wait a minute, yes, you can imagine. Don't you remember such and such? You did this, such and such, such and such. And it's like, yeah. Oh, oh, when you look at it that way, you know, I think that's that's God's blessing, though, on us, allowing us to forget about the um the awful moments in our lives and the painful ones like childbirth.
SPEAKER_03How quickly we forget, you know what I mean? Yeah. So um, so anyway, that is what's up. I um I'm I'm gonna continue.
SPEAKER_00Leading people to to to change to the change that would be effective and change that they they're looking for and might be afraid to take that leap. Okay. Exactly. All right, question. Yeah, can I get a super duper discount?
SPEAKER_03Yes, you can. Yes, you can. If you can tolerate me.
SPEAKER_00Listen, that's what I was just gonna say. I was just gonna say, you kick me out of the program, just like Ern fired me from working in his office. Listen, you know, Leslie, no day at the beach. You are no day at the beach. Leslie, did you log in and do the assignment and say, assignment? Wait, wait a minute, let me think.
SPEAKER_04I thought you were supposed to just be telling me what to do. I didn't have anything to do for myself. Exactly.
SPEAKER_00I would not be a good candidate for this program.
SPEAKER_04There are frustrators.
SPEAKER_03And um, yeah, I think it would be good though, because we're we're wired differently. And I I do um know that this course is for everyone. It doesn't matter right brain, left brain, introvert, extrovert, all of that. So I'd love to get your feedback. So I'll let you know. Okay. I will fill you in. Yeah. Um right, let's let's call this a wrap. I gotta get back to my entrepreneuring. Oh, this wait, wait, wait. There's a couple things.
SPEAKER_00First of all, we're both wearing hats and we didn't plan it.
SPEAKER_03We didn't plan it.
SPEAKER_00We didn't plan it.
SPEAKER_03We didn't plan it when we were getting ready to start recording. Um, I was like, oh, wait, wait a minute.
SPEAKER_00Let me and then I said, let me go get my hat. And you're like, I think you were lying.
SPEAKER_03I too hat. You waited for the I too, I too was going to get a hat. Um, so anyway, yeah.
SPEAKER_00We can't close yet.
SPEAKER_03Oh boy.
SPEAKER_00Because I want to say thank you to our newest Patreon subscribers.
unknownWhat?
SPEAKER_03I forgot, and I also have one thing that I wanted to say too. Let me do this first and then we can end with uh with the thank yous. So okay I um my firstborn gave me a um uh a Spotify playlist, and let me tell you, it has been such a source of productivity for me. I put it on every time because it's Spanish, I don't know the words or 99% of the words, so it's not distracting in that way because when it's music that you know, sometimes that just gets all in my head and I'm singing and I'm not kind of focusing. Well, I'm doing that, I do a lot of jigging, but I don't know the words, so it's just the music and it's energizing, and it's called um ignorantes i-g-n-o-r-a-n-t-e-s, ignorantes radio.
SPEAKER_00Is that ignoramis?
SPEAKER_03I I think it I think it's yeah, but don't worry about that. Think of it as ignorantes, okay ignorantes. So, anyway, I just wanted to recommend that Spotify playlist. Now, not only for you, this is for our public. Oh, okay, okay, all right. Anyway, you can't put this on in the in the OR. Okay, so go ahead.
SPEAKER_00Thank you to our newest Patreon members. Thank you, thank you. Andrea just signed up for a year, yay! A year, so for those of you, that's an option. Many people, all other people are signing up for the monthly plan, and we so appreciate it. But we had one yearly subscriber, so at least we're committed for 12 months. That's really nice. Thank you. Um Alex was an early subscriber, also. So I want to say thank you. Hey, Alex, I might see you this week. Yay, awesome, a Johnny, a Johnny, yay, Omari.
SPEAKER_03Thank you, Johnny, thank you, Amari. Kai, thank you, Kai. Kay, hey, Kay. Appreciate you so much. Appreciate you so much, and Ira. Yay! So grateful, so grateful you did not mention Urn. Thank you, Ern. We appreciate you so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you. So keep the script, keep the scribing, keep the subscribing coming. It really um does help. We want to stay around for as long as possible as we can, and we are cultivating special content for you.
SPEAKER_00We are, we are.
SPEAKER_03Um it's um, yeah, it is it is a special place. It is very different than um uh well, I shouldn't say very different. No, but it's more. We it's it's we go deeper, we go deeper there. I talk about stuff there and show things there that I would not put out on social media. It's just like there yet. Oh my gosh. Yeah, like those, like those. Um, so yeah, so it is uh brought to you by Home Depot.
SPEAKER_00Our patrons know what we're talking about. What do you buy Ace Hardware? Okay, all right, okay. Thank you. Thank you for your support. This is another episode of Black Boomer Besties from Brooklyn.
unknownBrooklyn
