When a friend confessed to not having a bucket list, it got us thinking – are we all wired to yearn for more to accomplish in our lives, or is there a hidden bliss in simply savoring the now and your already completed achievements?
Leslie confessed that her bucket list sits prominently on her wall with the items waiting to be ticked off. Listen in on an insightful conversation with the Besties; they consider the concepts of personal satisfaction and the judgments we have around having ambition or just plain being satisfied with life.
Perhaps this episode will leave you contemplating your own bucket list, or not even considering one. There’s no right answer in their book.
This episode and all previous episodes are available on YouTube. Please join our Besties Quad Squad as a Patreon subscriber at the $5 or $10 monthly level. You'll receive exclusive behind-the-scenes content.
Visit Black Boomer Besties from Brooklyn website for behind-the-scenes extras.
When a friend confessed to not having a bucket list, it got us thinking – are we all wired to yearn for more to accomplish in our lives, or is there a hidden bliss in simply savoring the now and your already completed achievements?
Leslie confessed that her bucket list sits prominently on her wall with the items waiting to be ticked off. Listen in on an insightful conversation with the Besties; they consider the concepts of personal satisfaction and the judgments we have around having ambition or just plain being satisfied with life.
Perhaps this episode will leave you contemplating your own bucket list, or not even considering one. There’s no right answer in their book.
This episode and all previous episodes are available on YouTube. Please join our Besties Quad Squad as a Patreon subscriber at the $5 or $10 monthly level. You'll receive exclusive behind-the-scenes content.
Visit Black Boomer Besties from Brooklyn website for behind-the-scenes extras.
Hey Ange, hey Les, how are you? Wow, that was vibrant, as vibrant as your hair, your look, your colors. I see you copying my print.
Speaker 2:This is called dopamine wigging. You know, people have dopamine dressing. This is dopamine wigging.
Speaker 1:I've never heard either term, but I know dopamine. Okay, we'll talk about it. Welcome to another episode of black boomer besties from Brooklyn. Listen when um, outside of this context, when I uh about like where are you from, or whatever, and whenever I say Brooklyn, I want to say Brooklyn.
Speaker 2:They'll think I'm nuts.
Speaker 1:So I don't say it, but I think it.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, I don't even remember where that came from.
Speaker 1:I don't even know, but it had to be in season one.
Speaker 2:One time or twice, and you insisted that I kept doing it.
Speaker 1:It's your signature, it's our signature. Hello, hey, ange. Yeah, that's what we do. Our public wants to know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, our public. Why do you keep saying that I?
Speaker 1:love saying that, like we have a public.
Speaker 2:There's a group that has a title that says our public, and they wanna know.
Speaker 1:Exactly, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I wanna talk to you about something and I think I wanna ask you to be like my analyst for this session First time ever. Not true, not true, yeah, first time ever, first time you've ever been my analyst. So it started with a conversation I had with a friend of mine, right?
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:And I think out of the blue. I just asked him like do you have a bucket list? No, actually. I said what's on your bucket list? Okay, and he said I don't have a bucket list. And I said what?
Speaker 2:Was this off the cuff or did he think about it? Or like describe.
Speaker 1:He, he, let me think of the conversation. He thought about it and he said I don't have a bucket list. Okay, and I said what? What do you mean? Okay, he said I don't have a bucket list and I said what do you mean? You don't have a bucket list? He said no. I said doesn't everybody have a bucket list? I said I have a bucket list. I said I can look at my bucket list right now. I said it's right next to my office, on the it's in my office on the wall, and it even it's numbered and it even has some things crossed off. Okay, so when I mentioned this, so I let it go, but I'm thinking, like what's going on with him? You know, like, what, like, what does that mean? Right, right. And then when I mentioned it to you, you kind of turned me on a 180, saying like how I guess unstrange not having a bucket list is. And then what is it about me that makes feeling like having a bucket list such a necessity?
Speaker 2:We got to talk about this a little bit, so much of a necessity that you think people who don't have it are a little off. I'm going to be kind and not use the word off. Well, I don't mean off like I don't mean that kind of, I just mean that they're missing something that's a good way. Something strange Listen instead of instead of having everything they need, you think they're missing something.
Speaker 1:Hmm, but Ange, oh my gosh, this is revealing and it's getting a little scary and it's very revealing. Hold on, but Ange, I never thought you can't hear me. Can you hear me? I hear you. I'm trying to ignore you because it's like what I'm thinking is just so profound, it's jumping out of my head. But go ahead, you say, because I got to calm my emotions down right now, because right now there's a lot swirling.
Speaker 2:It's funny, you know exactly because I was going to say hold on, that was profound, don't just keep moving. But you knew it was.
Speaker 1:It was so profound that I'm like in my head so Ange. Yes, when you just said that perhaps a person doesn't have a bucket list because they're satisfied, and you know what, maybe I'm never satisfied, or maybe the concept of completion or satisfaction is a little foreign to me yeah, I think, oh, wait a minute now getting a little warm take off your jacket. Take off my jacket for this and lean in yeah, perspective huh perspective.
Speaker 1:I gotta tell you this friend of mine is also. I've known him a long time and he's always told me about how he's always seen me as a person who's very driven.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Maybe it takes someone who's satisfied to recognize someone who's always driven.
Speaker 2:And wait a minute. I want to kind of reframe. I want to reframe the because the tone, the tone of it is there is a right way and a wrong way In a few ways. Right, Having a bucket list is the right way, Not having one is the wrong way.
Speaker 1:Well, you know how I frame things black and white, yeah.
Speaker 2:The other way is having contentment is right and not having contentment is wrong. So I want to kind of not talk about this in terms of it should be that and not this.
Speaker 1:So you want to eliminate the binary?
Speaker 2:I want to eliminate that completely, and I want to. I want to just say that everyone has different needs. Just say that everyone has different needs, right? And so it's not a matter of you know something's wrong with your needs. Everybody has different needs. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:It's like I was talking Sure, sure, yeah.
Speaker 2:Today, you know, some people they want certainty and they seek that out, and when they have it, they you know it's um, disruption is, is not cool with them, you know, and that's that's what they want and they work, they work towards that, they build a life in that way, right. And some people don't. They want change, they want flexibility, they want, you know, all the things, or they want the right way to do something, and so they're always kind of searching for the right, which is not a bad thing. Searching and seeking is not I don't mean that in any kind of negative. So everybody is different. You know what I mean. Now I don't know in terms of, you know, let's say, friendship, whether or any kind certainty is well paired, and as I say it, I'm going to tell you why this is not true. It's well paired with someone who wants something else.
Speaker 1:Okay, so just remind me how this ties into my feelings about a bucket list.
Speaker 2:So a bucket list is a list of things that you want to achieve and I think on the extreme, once you've checked everything off, you add things to it.
Speaker 1:I think on the extreme once you've checked everything off, you add things to it, right, because I don't have an understanding that a bucket list can be completed per se, right, but okay, okay, maybe, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:So there's always kind of this drive towards the next thing. Yeah, sort thing, yeah sort of Well, once you check one thing off, you're going for the next thing, right?
Speaker 1:That's on the list. It's not an unlimited list. It's a list of, let's say, 12 items, three of which, right now, are checked off. So I'm running out of time. I'm running out of time, so three of those things are checked off of this list of 12. Right, but what he was saying to me is that he does not have a list. He does not have a list of nine more things that he wants to do before he's gone. Right, and are you saying that it's because his list in his head is already complete, he's already satisfied, there's not more that he needs to achieve before he dies.
Speaker 2:Let's say I don't think it's a matter of achievement or lack of achievement or so on right, Because you can. There's a difference between yearning for something right, Having a drive for something, and not and if that thing is presented to you, you would do it, but you don't feel this like. I have to do it. I have to do it by this time. I have to do this so I can move on to the next thing. It doesn't mean that they, you know, they're okay with staying in the house, and you know, and never taking a trip, or never buying another house or never getting it.
Speaker 1:It's just that that's not something that he's or anyone is driven to.
Speaker 2:Right, they're not. It's not their motivation to look at life that way, right, maybe, maybe they have. They have achieved everything that they could have ever imagined.
Speaker 1:And there's no more need to imagine more. Well, what, okay I mean, and that's okay I mean. People can appreciate more if they get it.
Speaker 2:but I hear you. Let me ask the question this way Isn't peace a good thing? Hmm don't you get peace from when you check off the things on the list. You get peace from having a list. It's like, yeah, man, this is going to be great, I'm going to other people get peace and other things. It doesn't mean that you don't want peace, and you know. It doesn't mean that you do not want peace just because you, you are achieving it in one way and someone else is achieving it in a different way.
Speaker 2:Sure, I understand that, but they found it in that way and maybe we should say good for you, that's not my journey, good for you. Let's talk about the things that you have accomplished that you're really happy about.
Speaker 1:Or, even better, let's talk about with anybody the reason why you don't feel the need to have a bucket list, right? You know, what does satisfaction look like for you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, and now that I think about it, more people probably, especially in our age group, more people probably do not have bucket lists, rather than do have bucket lists. You know, and my light, just my ring light just went out oh man, I think you had about five of them I tell you, they just don't have taken the.
Speaker 2:I have an extra one here.
Speaker 1:When you, when you came down uh, I think what it is is. Maybe I'm not even going to talk about a ring light right now. Do I have enough light? You see my light. You see my light.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you look great. All right, see the light.
Speaker 1:All right, I think I'm going to ask you to think about this now, or I'm going to put your brain to work Now. What you know about my instinctive drive, my ID. You know about my instinctive drive, my ID. What does my lifelong need for a bucket list? What does that really say about who I am or my personality? Well, based on your ID.
Speaker 2:Well, not even based I mean, you've known me for a half a century almost. You don't your id, so so I would say you totally your id is really defines you, so I'm talking about it even when I'm not talking about it, because this is how you're wired. Your, your drive is to seek out the best, right way of doing things.
Speaker 2:That's one of your drives that's true, yes, I'm fixing my ear, ear thing here and so, um, I think that, not that you have a bucket list, but the way you responded to not having one, yeah, oh, but this is the right way, right, and if this is the right way, then that couldn't be the right way.
Speaker 1:It wasn't that strong, it wasn't that strong, but it was. It stirred up a little strangeness. I should say.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay, so let's use the word strange, okay, I mean the, the my point is is the same in that you had some, that there was some dissonance for you around someone who could be okay in life without having that. But again, they have different motivations, right? If, if, if their motivation was more around harmony, right, and they have found that place.
Speaker 1:Right, if they're there already. Yeah, yeah, everything is good. What more do?
Speaker 2:you need? Yeah, and so they.
Speaker 1:they are satisfied and their work is in maintaining that Right, right and and if I recall some other conversations over the years or whenever, I think that that's probably very accurate, you know, because he said you know he's retired and he's not looking for you know he's comfortable and this and Right, but but for me, I even think I'm not retired now, of course, but I even think I'm still going to be looking to check on that list. Yeah, in my retirement.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Wait, there's more, yeah, wait, there's more, yeah. And both of those and I'm going to point out one instance, two instances. One, both of them you know about one of them where people who are worried differently did not work, and one of them where people were worried differently absolutely works, right. So my first ex-husband right, you know that he probably saw me in the same way that that you are seeing this, I'm seeing your friend, but in a really mean way. Right? Because when we bought our first house, it was a mini mansion. We built it, we bought the land, we built the house, we saved, we put down a good chunk of change on it and we moved into this amazing new home.
Speaker 2:And maybe the second day we were there and it was a. You know, it was a climb to, to to get there. You know, we were very diligent about putting away, um, a certain amount of money and and so on, um and so the climb to get there, and we're, we're here now and I'm like, okay, we can coast for a little bit. And he's like, okay, when are we getting the one? In Florida it was. It was not more than a day after and he saw me, this person, at that point. I was more, had more degrees than him and I wasn't yet making as much as he was. I did exceed him after a while, but he saw me as having um, as lacking ambition, because I because on day two you did not want to strive for the Florida home, the second home, I was, I was pregnant.
Speaker 2:Um, I'm into nesting now. You know, I was probably seven, eight months, eight months pregnant and I'm in the nesting mode and he saw that as someone who lacked ambition. Yeah, which was just so like what me, what, what?
Speaker 1:are you talking about? So he misunderstood what?
Speaker 2:what are you talking about? So he misunderstood. Well, he understood it the way he. He had a script about that and that's how you know. That's that's what you know. At to an extreme, it was um, if you don't want this, then there's something wrong with you I see, which is yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I see what you're saying.
Speaker 2:Now take you and I, for example. You and I are wired very differently. Right, I don't have a bucket list. There are things that I want to achieve, but I don't feel the need to write them down. I'm not numbering them, I'm not. There's, no, there's, there's none of that, um, and, as a matter of fact as a matter of fact, I admire people who do I don't think it's weird that you do this. I'm like, if you're doing that, I don't have to do that. Do you know what I mean? Not in the bucket list situation, but my thing is, if you're good at that, well, I can be good at something else.
Speaker 1:Well, that's true because we're partnered, right, right, right. So it's like if I, leslie, in fact, right, right, right. So it's like if, leslie, in fact, you use the fact that I am into listen, bucket, listen stuff in order to you know, we, that works for us, it works for us, it works for us. Wow, that's a different way of framing. But you know, in in that conversation and this conversation with my friend, it was very brief, yeah, I guess, because it set set me into thinking, like you know, it may have been a three-minute conversation. You know, oh, do you have a bucket list? No, what? You don't have a bucket list.
Speaker 1:I'm like okay, no bucket list for you, you know. And then I started. And then the thought process came in later on, like what is wrong with me, or why is it that you know? And and then I'm thinking like, oh, when in my conversations with this person over the years he has said, oh, you're really driven, you know. It's like you know you're never going to stop at this, and that you know. And then I'm like Ang, what do you think about folks without a bucket list? And you're like ain't nothing wrong with that, that's normal For them. It's you with the bucket list that has the you know whatever.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but it also made me think a little bit more broadly about you know how, how Stephanie Perry has said women, take off the cape. Take off the cape. We are not super people. We don't have to be driven and checking off things and let's start embracing again this life of ease rather than I got to do. I got to do. I got to do.
Speaker 1:So I know now that a lot of this checking off from the bucket list, whereas it has worked to bring, to bring satisfaction into my life by owning a convertible, was on my list for years. Owning a convertible was part of the list and my convertibles bring me such satisfaction, you know Right. But yeah, I think a lot of it is the cape driven. You know, it's like I have my superwoman cape and these are the things that a superwoman must do. I think I need to reframe the way it looks. I don't think I'll be pulling it off the wall just yet, but I think it might be due, for at least I appreciate that you had me step back and reevaluate the need for that list.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but, les, it's not quite what I want to do, that's not quite my intention. And let me explain what I mean. Right, my intention was not, hey, you ought not be that way. My intention was you can be that way and he could be that way, and they're both okay. Sure, I get it, I get it. So if you are driven and if you want a bucket list, have a beautiful, nice, inspirational, driven, aspirational list. It's a beautiful thing. Yeah, I think where the cape comes in is where you are doing it for reasons outside of the drive that you personally have when you're doing it to, because it's a part of hustle culture and it's just you know, you just don't know how to get off, but you want to when you're doing it to, because you are not satisfied ever satisfied with what's in your bank account and so you want to have as much money squirreled away until you're 99 and ready to live Right.
Speaker 1:Right, right, right, when you start. Yeah, I retired, then I'll start, you know yeah.
Speaker 2:So it's. I think it's why we are doing what we're doing. That determines what the cape situation is versus don't have dry, because that means you're wearing a cape that you need to put down I see the difference, sure, yeah yeah, and I and I, I mean you.
Speaker 2:my observation is that you have both because you, you, you are, you know, you, you take on a lot, and I think some of what you take on is not because you, it's, it's satisfying a need that you have. You do it because out of obligation, out of you know, just okay, I okay, I want to get this thing, so I'm going to do extra work to get it, versus okay, let me tap into what I put aside to do it. Do you know what I mean? Those types of things. So I think you do have a cape, as do I, but I don't think having a list, your bucket list, is necessarily a cape wearing thing that you ought to stop.
Speaker 1:I get it, not me. Good, not me, I get it. Yeah, I like it. I like the distinction.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, and you see you kind of that's another part about your drive you, you, you're, you're ready to write the thing.
Speaker 1:It's like, okay, if this is wrong, I'll fix it. I'll fix it I got this?
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, what's wrong with me? Are we done? Can I talk about my beautiful wig? Oh, yes, you can. So you guys may may, may not know, but I am a wig maker. It's I'm doing it less now than I used to do it, but I do have um, several, many um wigs that I wear as a part of, you know, an accessory. I love it. I love the kind of. When I said dopamine dressing before, leslie's never heard that term. But it's when you choose because you want to boost um, you choose clothing that brings you joy, brings you energy, and so they call it yeah I've never heard the term, but I've done it all the time.
Speaker 1:People probably do it all the time. Let me tell you a funny time when I always did my dopamine dressing. When I used in in medical school when I would take exams, I would, even though I'm up all night long, I'm dopamine dressing for sitting, for the exam because I don't want to walk out of there feeling so miserable. Yeah, yeah, exactly, you know. So you know you want to be able to. You know, I feel good about myself. I don't know how I did on this anatomy test, but I still feel good about myself. So, yeah, and what was the other dopamine term? Dopamine.
Speaker 2:I coined it, I coined it, I'm taking, I coined it dopamine, dopamine, wigging, oh, okay, and so you know, I had this, this big event today, and I'm like, yeah, I want to show up, like, like this, like this. I didn't wear this but this and, and so here you go. So if you guys were watching us on YouTube and those of those of you who are just listening to us, you may want to check out youtube, because you can see this wig that I'm wearing. And if you would like me to wear different um wigs and just show you um, I'd be happy to um. Or you want it to be like I wonder what she's gonna do today. If you want it to be as if you want to see me doing a lot more wigging, just just let me know Dopamine wigging, I will, I will, I will, I will serve the people, I will serve our public, hey, and?
Speaker 1:and I could wear some of my wigs too. We're going to make this fun. Yes, absolutely.
Speaker 2:If you can believe it, leslie, all of that hair under um. Believe it, leslie, all of that hair under um, the wigs that I make for her, and it's pretty, pretty incredible, pretty incredible. Okay, yeah, we'll say that you want to bring us in for a landing I think so.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening, and I would love to hear about your bucket lists, or whether you have one, or whether you gave it up or have you checked off everything on your list, because I'm still working on mine, but but this has been another episode of Black Boomer Besties from Brooklyn, and I also want to add that Black Boomer Besties from Brooklyn is produced by Angela Fraser, our editing team is by Matt Dershowitz, and our media and copywriting and marketing team is from Couture Copywriting. Thank you, and we'll see you next time.