Black Boomer Besties from Brooklyn
This is what the world needs now: two free-thinking “seasoned” Black women speaking their truth and inspiring others to do the same. Shaped by 45 years of friendship that began at the prestigious Brooklyn Technical High School through the Ivy League, medical school, marriages, divorces, triumphs, parenting queer children, life-threatening illness and many many amazing adventures. Each week, besties Leslie Osei-Tutu and Angella Fraser will push against boundaries in love, culture, careers, faith, politics and out-dated assumptions about women of a certain age. Remember, you’re never too old to change your mind…or your hair! (but more on that later :-)All views are our own and do not reflect the views of our institution/company. Information provided is not intended to serve as medical advice.
Black Boomer Besties from Brooklyn
Ep144 Joy Over Fear: Why we left the trappings of our marriages
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Angella and Leslie explore how choosing joy over fear transformed their lives, particularly in relationships. They share personal stories about leaving marriages that weren't serving them, despite the comfort of familiarity and fear of the unknown.
Chapter Markers:
0:00 Welcome to Black Boomer Besties
5:02 Choosing Joy Over Fear
13:17 Angella's Marriage Journey
22:00 Leslie's Decades-Long Marriage
33:10 The Beautiful Home That Wasn't Happy
41:20 Fear of Leaving vs. Finding Joy
47:00 Finding Love and Joy Again
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Welcome to Black Boomer Besties
Speaker 1Hey Ange , hey Les Ha-cha-cha , why are you always like this ? I just get .
Speaker 2So A couple reasons . One I'm happy to talk to you , and that's one . But I had somewhat of a long , kind of rough day today at work , so I'm kind of like using this time to decompress . So I'm happy that I'm not working . Gotcha , you could have stopped with .
Speaker 1I could have stopped that . I'm happy to see you . I would have been quite okay with that . No , it's good to see you smiling . Hello , hello , cello .
Speaker 2Well , come on now . Welcome to another episode of Black Boomer Besties from .
Speaker 1Brooklyn . I'm Angella and that's Leslie , my best friend of almost 50 years . We are two free-thinking older Black women and we've decided to be more bold and joyful in our lives , like to take that really seriously , and we started this podcast to share our story with you and hoping that you will join us and on the road to joy and boldness . Okay , you can follow us for sure to joy and boldness . Okay , you can follow us for sure , because we do give insights and all that stuff on on our journey , but we , more importantly , want to see you on the journey also . So today we're going to be talking about joy over fear . We do not believe in fearless , or we don't feel fear , or we believe we have experienced that you feel fear . Fear is a good motivator . Fear tells you to run when the bear is coming . Fear is protection , but fear does not need to stop you from getting to your joy . And today we're going to be talking about relationships and how we made some decisions , very difficult decisions to go towards our joy and to have fear step aside .
Speaker 2Well , I'll tell you why . I'm also being a little extra silly because I'm nervous , and one of the things that I noticed with my patients when they're nervous , they get extra chatty .
Speaker 2Oh yeah , they talk a lot , they talk a lot and I'm a little nervous because some of what we're going to be talking about today obviously is very personal , because some of what we're going to be talking about today obviously is very personal . So there's some vulnerability there , and it also is going to require me to think about things that may not have been so pleasant and joyful at the time . So I'm just , you know , trying to get that wrap my head around that before you Make me talk to the public about stuff .
Speaker 1First of all , all I got you you don't have to talk about anything you don't feel ready to talk about yeah , um , and I also , as you know , but I'll never tire of telling you how incredibly proud I am of you for so many things . This , in particular , how you , you , you , you wrestled , you wrestled with this and you made some decisions that you , you planted your heel and you were like , eh , joy schmoy , I can do without it , I'm good , I'm good over here , just kind of being , you know , kind of set in place , and so I'm really proud of you . So hopefully , you know , you'll feel like your vulnerability was worth it .
Speaker 2Okay , I got that , thank you , and I receive it .
Speaker 1Okay , good , hey , it's Coach Angela here . I wanted to remind you that my coaching practice is available for older women who are ready for more joy in their lives and who are interested in more joy-filled moneymaking . I have honed my practice over lessons that I've learned , lessons that I have experienced deeply from a position of wanting , desiring , going after , not giving up on getting more joy in my life , and I am available to teach you some of the tools and skills that I've learned . You just have to set up a free consultation with me . We'll talk for about 20 minutes , We'll see if we're a good fit and if we are , we will start doing this joy work together .
Speaker 1So you know , Leslie has had the most recent experience around relationships
Choosing Joy Over Fear
Speaker 1and things that we chose to step away from . I've definitely had my share . I will share some of that with you , and you should know by now that I've been divorced twice . I was married once for 12 years that is the father of my three beautiful children and I had a short marriage for about five years , but we were really together only for two or so , and so a lot of kind of decision making around that and especially with children deciding . I actually didn't decide . I actually heard a very audible Holy Spirit saying you're enabling some pretty wicked behavior and you ought to stop , and you ought to stop , you ought to stop . And um , by then I was so . And this is this . I really got to know my Savior really well . We spent a lot of time together , a lot of time together , and it was just a raw and honest outpouring of myself to Christ , outpouring of myself to Christ , and I will forever be grateful for that time on my knees . It was during that time that I actually felt him hold me .
Speaker 1Same time , the . You know , everything was going on right . You had to decide where you were going to live , what were the children going to do , and all the things and all the things and all the things . And then you know , and then I'm going to . And then you know , and then I'm going to , because it sounds like you're , you're , you're almost ready . Then you know it was ultimately his , his decision to divorce .
Speaker 1I decided that I needed the separation because it was getting a little little too , too too dicey , a little too emotionally abusive and some physical abuse too . And then , when the Holy Spirit spoke to me after that , it was primarily me being obedient . I did not feel like I was in control per se . I felt like I was leaning in to what I was supposed to do , and so it . Honestly , you know the the the tactical stuff . Some things were difficult , right , you got to pack up a house , you got to do the yard sale , all that stuff , but the emotional was a lot easier after that because of that . So , and I won't talk about the second one right now , but the second one really was like , okay , and you're the common denominator here , what is going on , and that was that was , you know , no children involved in terms of you know , I didn't have any children with him , but it was emotionally , oh my gosh , I went through it with myself . I went through it with myself , Sure .
Speaker 2I can imagine that yeah , yeah .
Speaker 2And I think that it's certainly natural for us to start thinking what is it that I did wrong ? You know these are people that we've chosen and these are people that we thought we would be together with , you know , forever . You know I can speak for me and , knowing enough of you that I know that that was your case as well . You know what I think is so significant about , as I'm listening to you speak about how you really heard his capital H telling you , you know , his leading you to leave a situation that was not for you .
Speaker 2Yeah , it was the opposite of it for me , because , as a Christian wife , I had my former spouse and I married 20 , 20 , whatever years ago . We had been together about 30 , right , yeah , and while we didn't have children together , he raised , you know , our son . You know he's still my son's dad . He raised my son , not his biological child , since he was two years old . So you know , I always say Mari's been blessed to have two dads . Interpretation of the Bible was that we marry forever the old saying , for better or for worse .
Speaker 2And when things became really intolerable in my marriage .
Speaker 2I am charged to accept that and the better will come , perhaps later and 20 plus years it just got worse . You know , in my case it was it's in retrospect . It's so easy for me to identify this now In retrospect . It's so easy for me to identify this now . But I needed to step out of it in order to understand really what was going on . And I have an education in psychiatry . I've been a sexual violence advocate , a volunteer advocate , for many years in my county , so I understand what dysfunction is , what mental illness is . I understand what bad relationships look like , what abuse looks like and what abuse looks like In all of its forms .
Speaker 1Yeah , sure sure .
Speaker 2And yet I really could not see myself in such a bad situation until I stepped out of it . But again the back of my mind was that okay , if this is the worst , you know the better is coming . And you made a vow , les , and you know how I am about my word and things like that , especially if I'm making my pledging , my word to the Lord . Then I figured that . And you know the other thing about my life as many people who know me know that I have such a rich life Outside of , outside of my marriage . You know I have a great friend , friend relationships . I love my work . You know I have so many other outlets that what I found that was missing in my home was more than made up for the situation outside of my home . So it was easy to kind of overlook and isolate that as over there . And then everything else is just fine .
Angela's Marriage Journey
Speaker 1I remember that you would still like you would take vacations together . You would cause , yeah , I remember once we , we , we were going to go to Puerto Rico and for for a conference , you were going to join me at a conference , and then it turns out that you , you decided , we decided that probably not a good idea to go to the conference because I'm going to be locked in on kind of entrepreneur life , and . And so he came along and what kind of struck me at that time is how two people could be together and not be together . Right , that you could travel same hotels , same , and not even like there was . You know , you guys talk to each other and all of that .
Speaker 1You certainly both of you talk to me , but there was still this , this separation , and I always wonder about people who stay in marriages that may not be , you know , like , how long is the long suffering , right ? And is it about the number or is it about cause you could stay that long and you could be in kind of , let's say , continual couples therapy , right , and figure out and get better . And you know , um , I'm not talking about a perfect , whatever the hell that means . I'm talking about did you kind of have this . I know you weren't counting , but did you have this idea that , no matter what , like I made this commitment , it's not getting better after 20 years ? But I'm in Like . Is that what you were kind of feeling ?
Speaker 2I absolutely did , and it's interesting that you mentioned about what you witnessed in Puerto Rico , because I think this may have been after we first separated or very soon while we were separated , because , you know , I think , all in all , he and I would have been much better friends than spouses , you know , and I think I confused the two , you know .
Speaker 1Because you admired . There's a lot that you admired about him .
Speaker 2Yeah , and as a person , if I took myself out of it . There's much that I still admire about him , just you know yeah , over there it was just not over there .
Speaker 2That's what I always say . He was not a good husband to me , but what you actually saw was interesting , because the thing about it is that he and I had been living separate lives for quite a long time and that's how we really managed to stay married together and got along . I had so many personal interests it's almost like it wasn't . It was always a chasm . We saw things differently .
Speaker 2We didn't see eye to eye often and because we were both so independent you know , he stayed in his lane and I stayed in my lane and when it was time to go out to dinner or whatever , then we can join and have dinner and have you know and sit and have talk about the news or whatever . But then we really weren't connected . So that became more and more apparent to me . I would think that if you're with somebody for a number of decades , that you would at least start you know , like you know , he's my best friend and we're really connected . And the disconnect became more apparent to the point where it was obvious to me that he didn't like me at all .
Speaker 1He didn't know you , he wouldn't accept . He would not accept the things that were really remarkable about you . You know he wouldn't even accept . You know he just thought I had on rose colored glasses he would never have . He would never believe that you and I have so many things that we disagree on and still have and still have respect . It's like one or the other . You can't disagree with someone and respect them , kind of thing . I think it's just really black and white and I love him .
Speaker 2But I think in general I can tell he didn't like me . In general I can tell he didn't like me . So he would think that anything nice that other people saw in me , I had them fooled because he really saw the true Les , if you only knew , if you only knew . So everybody out there thought oh , she's this great fun person , she's a great doctor , she's this , she's kind , she's giving whatever it's like . Uh-uh , that ain't who she is . I know the real person and you know , and and I .
Speaker 2that's something that I've always felt bad about and , as you can imagine , as we were partnered for such a long time , I longed to have my husband see me .
Speaker 2Mm-hmm for who I am Right , and I would say , other than spending you know so many years in a relationship that didn't work out , that's my biggest regret that he never saw you know who I am and was able to appreciate me for who I am . He never saw my heart Right but he couldn't Right . He couldn't , and I knew leaving became easier when I realized that there was nothing more that I can do to make him see me .
Speaker 2You know , because I've sought help over the years , obviously , you know I've spoken to our pastors and clergy and family members and this and that , and you know , I realized that I could not get any help for the problems that we were having .
Speaker 1Did you do that ? Imago , we did . Yeah so did I . We did so did I with number two . It was incredible . I am going to see that documentary that you sent me , wasn't it incredible ?
Speaker 2Oh , we need to talk about that . And a whole , a whole , nother .
Speaker 1After I watch the documentary we'll talk about it , but we'll put links to it here . Yeah , it's this way of communicating . It's not only for couples , as far as I understand . No , no .
Speaker 2And I go for children and this and that it's a communication technique that really allows one to hear the partner . Because , remember , one of the things that I am saying is the problem that I had for decades with the person that I slept with every night was that he could not see me , he could not hear me . And this coaching that this couple , Harville and I'm blocking on their name right now- and . Helen , those are their first names , but they give you tools to help people communicate and hear each other .
Speaker 1Right and it was .
Speaker 2I was laughing when I sent the documentary the link to the documentary out , because I'm like it's a wonderful program , didn't work for us but it's a great program . But you know , relationships are tough and people have to go in it . Remember , as Monique says , wherever you go , there you are .
Speaker 1There you are .
Speaker 2So we bring ourselves into our lives and our situations and all .
Speaker 1Yes .
Speaker 2And you know I'm going to say he couldn't do it .
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 2So I'm going to push you a little bit right , oh boy . We may take this part out if you just want .
Leslie's Decades-Long Marriage
Speaker 1Let me sip some tea , seeing the other as a full-grown person , a full-grown competent person , who's carrying and I'm paraphrasing here because it's been a long time , but this part was significant who's carrying some childhood hurt . Basically , they're carrying some childhood hurt . However , they are fully competent human beings , right ? So , and what I remember , what still remains in what I learned from Imago is a lot about myself . So the question for you is you know I know you're saying he couldn't see you and you know that that was a regret .
Speaker 2Yeah , I see where this is going .
Speaker 1And it's going this way because I think an important aspect of one being in joy and finding a joyful state and maintaining a joyful state is their self-awareness , right , and how empowered you are in not being triggered by other people but finding yourself in every situation and kind of knowing how to go , based on who you are , versus being , you know , at the mercy of someone else or some other circumstance . So that's where this is coming from , like because I know that this is not a setup . I know that you learn things about yourself .
Speaker 2Sure , yeah , yeah .
Speaker 1And what did you ? What was one thing you learned about yourself ? I can think of some , but well , because I know you .
Speaker 2I'll tell you , it's just . It's a little hard to think back at that time One because it's difficult , but also because I'm in such a happy , different relationship right now . Yeah , you know what I mean . Yeah , it's such a different , it's so , so different . I know one of the problems I would say that he had , that I own , is that I became increasingly indifferent , and it was obvious you know it was obvious that I just stopped , you know , trying , I stopped caring .
Speaker 2You know , I think by time we had gotten to Imago and this was maybe five years ago or so but by the time we had gotten there there was , I think , so much water under the bridge at this point , you know , and you know I never think that things are hopeless , but I almost and I've said this to you before , I think we stayed in , we stayed together too long , certainly for the wrong reasons , and those are some of the things that I want to mention , not necessarily right to second , but I want to mention that because these are some of the things that I had to shed in order to move to that joy point . Move to that joy point and that I'll definitely own , because there was a whole lot , a whole persona , there was a whole vision of things that I was holding and grasping that I should not have , and it involved being honest with myself , and you know how I am about honesty . When I realized that I was not being honest with myself , you know , first , that's when I knew that I needed to change .
Speaker 1Yeah , yeah , I got to tell you . I don't know if this is a secret like my secret , not a secret between us . I don't know if I've ever said this out loud Hopefully I have , but you know , I you saw me naked one day . Too many times . So I used to have this dream that we could live closer together .
Speaker 2Oh , yeah , that I know .
Speaker 1And I'm not done . You know that's not all and it was just like , well , that's never going to happen , because you've got this beautiful home . You put so much effort into making it this oasis and this place of refuge for any weary traveler .
Speaker 2Let me tell you .
Speaker 1Leslie is the hospitality , like the hospitality . I can't even Empress , right , the empress of hospitality . I don't like the queen thing , because the queen and king , you know , empress , emperor and empress , I like that . It's kind of a Jamaican thing , but Leslie's a queen of that . And so they had this beautiful home , well manicured , but nothing ostentatious , just a place where you know the koi pond , and you had created this vision Very carefully curated , very carefully curated , very carefully curated , and there was nothing fake about what you did , right , and I'm not saying this like this was a facade . Possible secret here is I was like man , I wonder if there's a way that somehow he and Les could find , you know both find a hospital or medical practice to work where I am so we could all be together . And I was like , but she'll never leave this , you know , situation that she has created .
Speaker 2Created sanctuary .
Speaker 1And so when I saw this is what I mean when I saw that you were willing to let go of all of that not even willing to let go you were like I don't want it .
Speaker 2I was running from that . I don't want it .
Speaker 1I was like oh snap , what do you mean ? Snap ?
Speaker 2That was like huge . My mom said the same thing . That was huge . What do you mean ? You're selling the house to him . What are you talking about ?
Speaker 1Yeah , so yeah . That was huge Ange .
Speaker 2It was huge it was huge , but it was so funny because I didn't give it a thought . It was so easy when I decided that what was inside the walls of that beautiful home , when you take everything apart , there was no joy and that deep love in that home . You know , we might as well have been , you know , roommates , you know for a number of years and that might be true in many marriages . You know , I think we settle in to our partners that we've been with for a long time .
Speaker 2The difference is you want to be with a roommate that likes you . You want to be with a roommate that respects you , and I think that mutually , we lost respect for each other and you never want to diminish someone's humanity by doing that . Yeah , yeah , yeah , you know so and I think I'll own this that he knew that I no longer respected his counsel , his leadership , his head of the household , all of those things , and I didn't want to . I didn't want to live a fake life anymore . You know , people did not know from the outside .
Speaker 2You know , after you pass the driveway with multiple cars and obviously they're all fancy cars- and the acre of land and the pond and the greenhouses and the pond and the greenhouses , and this and this , and that you know . It's like when you strip it down you're there by yourself and only you look in the mirror and I said I did not want to stay in that home because it did not have the memories that it was supposed to have for me . I thought , by making you know . I always thought what did I know about being , you know , a wife ? I was 40 when we got married , even though we had been together before that . But I thought that if you make a nice home , if you cook regularly , if you you know what I mean if you dress it up and if you do all the things , and you know that I'm and if you dress you up .
Speaker 2Into physical labor . So you know , I did all the accoutrements and all the stuff in the house stuff myself .
Speaker 1Outside too , in the yard and out and whatever .
Speaker 2You know , I thought that those were some of the tenets of whatever , but you know , it really isn't . It really isn't . That's good , but those are not the deeper things , and these are some of the lessons that I carry into my current relationship , which is just , I'd say , wonderful . You know , I'm feeling the joy of that and I also know that my partner respects me as a person and I feel that , you know , yeah , that external stuff is really like we think it's , it's like glue , but it's .
Speaker 1It's actually becomes claustrophobic , right ?
The Beautiful Home That Wasn't Happy
Speaker 1My ex-husband and I built that house like from ground up .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1And it was . It was showy , it's definitely more what he wanted than what I wanted . But you know , I wasn't , I wasn't mad at it , it was just you know , okay , you want a big house , you want to have to put curtains up on 50 windows , or you want to buy carpet .
Speaker 2I can make those curtains as you did . I can make those curtains as you did , you know it's .
Speaker 1it becomes this thing that you know it's just . It's just like it's what's going on inside .
Speaker 2Right that fulfills you .
Speaker 1Yeah , you know what I mean . That fulfills you . You know what I mean . And if you're driving up to the house , as I did , and pull into the garage and you have to sit in there for a few minutes to kind of prepare , yourself for going inside , right you know what I mean .
Speaker 2Then what do you care how beautiful the surroundings are , it's just you're saying all the prayers you know , don't get triggered .
Speaker 2You know all the things . Yes , yes , yes , yes , yes . Reasons why it's so difficult is because you get so much feedback from the outside . You know from colleagues , from your neighbors , from your friends . You know we get built up and we kind of buy into that that these are the things that you should do . This is what a home that two physicians own should have , or not just that , it's like it was a comfortable home for me , my family , my friends , and entertaining and this . You know what I mean . But where are your priorities and what are the things that are important ? You know , and it's just as I got older , I realized that . You know , I know this is going to sound really funny and maybe our people who are listening can really relate . One of the things it was kind of like a measure . I know it's going to sound crazy , but I said I don't want to die with this person . Oh , you know what I mean . It's like I don't want to be in my last days .
Speaker 1Yeah , you literally Les because when you did your living will . We don't have to go into , but it became apparent that this person may not be the best person to make decisions about .
Speaker 2We couldn't even get along for that long . We couldn't even get along for that . That long , we couldn't even get along that long . He could not abide by my wishes . He would not respect you in death , he wouldn't he really couldn't he I .
Speaker 2I did not want to be on a ventilator or this and he's like you will live forever if I have you , you will be shriveled up . You know yet one other disagreement we have why are you making Angie and your sister your health care power of attorney ? Because you told me you couldn't do my . You know this is what I say to my patients . You know they say , yeah , we wanted dad to keep him on the ventilator . I said listen , you got to . Let me remind you , as your dad's power of attorney , you are speaking for what he would want , not what you would want . Are you sure that he would want this trach and peg ? Put you know , even though he's saying right now he doesn't want it .
Speaker 1Are you sure ?
Speaker 2that's what he wants , you know . But we often have to be reminded . But that was funny . He says nope , only God has the power .
Speaker 1What the power to intubate me and put me on the ventilator and set the settings to volume control what ?
Speaker 2oh my gosh , you know , people don't realize that it is also god that's making your heart stop yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , when we would say you take that thing , met joke .
Speaker 1So let's get to the joy . Let's get to the joy because that was get to the joy part , because that was a lot of fear and you know it's like gearing up for joy . Gearing up for joy .
Speaker 2But let me just say one other thing about the fear .
Speaker 2I can laugh about it now . You know I was afraid to leave . I was afraid to be on my own . Yeah , I was afraid in the future , to start dating again . What would that look like ? I hadn't dated in 30 years , you know . There was so much uncharted land in front of me and so many things to fear . And I haven't lived alone in many years , you know , maybe when we were roommates last was the last . Well , that wasn't even alone , right ? So I was afraid to leave , even though it was a situation that was bad . I did not know that . The unknown seemed almost untenable and that kept me also , you know , yeah , it really did the devil .
Speaker 1the devil , you know ?
Speaker 2Yeah , because you know how I am . I don't like change . I'm change averse . I've been in my job for the last 20 years . I have had my hair the same way for 40 years , whatever I just I don't like change . And you know , I settle into something that's pleasurable for me and I kind of stay in it , even in this situation I said I'll make . Do you know I didn't realize that what was in me was the ability to thrive . You know that term is like he's blocking . He was blocking me for real , because it really wasn't until I was out of that situation did I realize that I had the capacity to love in the way that I had not in so many years Wow , you know , in such a long time and receive love ? Yes , yeah , yeah .
Speaker 1That part you had mentioned in a few episodes ago that one of the things that your future self would thank you for is that your , your relationships , you , they do not . Still there's . There's not anger that is is . Your memories of these relationships are not like mired in anger and so on .
Speaker 2And I think that's really good . Yeah , I'm not taking bitterness into my current love relationship . You know I'm really trying hard to see it as a new opportunity and leaving a lot of that sadness and baggage you know , and it's not easy . I'm getting therapy right now and I talk to my therapist about it and I'm like you sure you , sure you know . What do you think ?
Speaker 1about , by the way , therapy and much of all the good things . The Bible says every good thing , every good blessing comes from the Lord . Therapy is one of those things . We are proponents of , good therapy .
Speaker 2Good counsel , because we don't have all the answers . That's
Fear of Leaving vs. Finding Joy
Speaker 2right , it is not in opposition to our faith .
Speaker 1Why why ?
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1Why you can please get your therapy . Yeah , please get your therapy . So that is helping you to move into this joy place the way my heart swells when I know that you are . You're putting your mental health , your joy , your desires for joy . You're giving it so much priority in your life right now .
Speaker 1Yeah , Listen for as long as you've known him . As a matter of fact , you and I met him together . We won't go into the story , but you and I met him together , so I have known him for as long as you have . Yeah , by the day , by the day .
Speaker 1By the day yeah by the day by the day , by the day , and the things , the ways that I've seen're not there , but I'm saying , you know , we don't think about sometimes , when we're in , a thing that there could be , there could be and what I would suggest , if you let joy really take , you know , take the wheel , you know , take the wheel and you , you , you know , if you hear this , this , this , these sayings that I'm using , joy to me is divine , it is from the divine right .
Speaker 1If you let that take the wheel , it will help you put so many things in your rearview mirror , things that you never thought , when you're in it , that there would be a life , a big , full , joyful life , on the other side . And knowing what I know about what you've been through , knowing what you know about what I've been through , that we can look at some of these things to the and come out , you know , and we have , we have , we have some , some , some , some scars , but they're not scars that are interfering , they're scars that let us know that we can survive shit .
Speaker 2Yeah , and you know what I mean Scars .
Speaker 1Exactly that's right , and you know that's right .
Speaker 2Back in the rearview mirror and you're like what the hell you know it's like , why did ? Like what the hell you know it's like why did . But I think that every experience , especially something so profound as this , it's useful . It's God put you in these situations for a reason .
Speaker 1That's right , yep .
Speaker 2You know it's not time wasted . Yeah , yeah , you always have to ask God what is the lesson ? You're in the thing , what is the ?
Speaker 1lesson . That posture to me is what saved me every time . Every time is not to , is not to kind of , stay in a woe is me , but God , like I know you , you know it before it happened . Like what would you have me learn in this situation ? About myself , about the other person , all the ?
Speaker 2things . Sure , you can only imagine me and my , you know , having been married for so long . Yeah , I'm like why did I stay then ? Why did you know ? It's like I wasted so much time no time is wasted . No time is wasted .
Speaker 1You know , while you're alive , there's no time wasted . Yeah , yeah , yeah . If you're learning from it when you know more , you do better . Yeah , if you're learning from it , doom scrolling for the rest of your life . I think that's wasteful . Just you know , we're just making sure that's clear , all right , very good , very good .
Speaker 2So now I think we're both on the joy side of this particular , I think , this relationship , yeah , this particular fear .
Speaker 1I think I'm good . I don't think I'm perfect in terms of you know , things will come up in my new relationship . Your're good . I think that we are both of us on this journey of continual improvement , self-improvement , self-awareness , self-improvement that cycle , what we have going forward in relationships . We may have our thing , we will have our thing , but they will look very different .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1Than what we've been through , and that's lessons learned .
Speaker 2Amen to that . Let me ask you this . A question for me , no .
Speaker 1Would you ?
Speaker 2marry again , oh who would I marry again .
Speaker 1Oh boy , les , all right , you can think about it . Yes , yes , I would , you would , I would , I would , I would . I would do it for very different reasons . I would do it for very different reasons . I would do it for very different reasons . And so I ,
Finding Love and Joy Again
Speaker 1I I'm going to think about it good and hard , because I don't want it to be , I don't want it to have the same . I'm going to say it this way , I don't totally mean it .
Speaker 1I don't want it to have the same trappings as why I got married before oh no , I , you know what I mean , absolutely this , this , this one will be different , and um , there is some work that I have to do , um , before that , but um , but yeah , yeah , because um , I'm in love and love feels good and and it feels um . You know , it feels , uh , like um , but it feels . It feels like flow , it feels like flow , it feels like flow .
Speaker 2Yeah , I hear you . Good for you , babe , all right .
Speaker 1How are we on time ? We're good .
Speaker 2Yeah , we're good , but I think we're good .
Speaker 1What else you want to say anything ?
Speaker 2I have said it all . You have said it all . Actually , I'll say this what ?
Speaker 1Ooh , isn't this one a doozy ? We're telling all the people all the things , but that's what we do . We are truth tellers and we are joy seekers and we will continue to do that . There is a bit more to this episode that is reserved for our Patreon subscribers . Leslie and I both do some more revealing , and she shared a bomb show I didn't even know . I didn't even know .
Speaker 1Listen , by becoming a subscriber , you really help us to fund this podcast . It is our way of meeting some of the expenses that we have for bringing this content to you . We've been doing this for almost three years now and your support would really be helpful . You can subscribe at the $5 or $10 level . Just head on over to Patreon that's P-A-T-R-E-O-N and do a search for Besties Quad Squad B-E-S-T-I-E-S-Q-U-A-D-S-Q-U-A-D . Who came up with that name ? That was Leslie , but it was so cute . It was a take on the Mod Squad . Anyway , head on over to Patreon , become a subscriber . We would really appreciate it and , best of all , hear the big news that Leslie shared with our subscriber group . Thanks , All right .
Speaker 2This has been another episode of Black Boomer . Besties from Brooklyn , brooklyn Leave comments .
Speaker 1Tell us what you think . Come on now . What do you think ? Disagree with us ? Do something , yeah , come on . Bye .