Black Boomer Besties from Brooklyn
Black Boomer Besties from Brooklyn
Ep153 A Mother-Physician Navigates Her Child's Crisis, Care, And Community
The Besties share a candid and honest account of navigating a son’s sudden critical illness while balancing the roles of mother, physician and partner. Joy and grief sit side by side as they lean on community, faith and psychotherapy to move from fear toward steadier ground.
0:00 Welcome And Framing The Conversation
1:31 A Mother And Physician In Crisis
3:00 Transplant Realities And Infection Risk
3:56 Hospitalization And Unspeakable Fear
6:26 Five Lessons Begin: Lean On Community
8:12 Accepting Help When You Resist It
10:36 Partner Support And Shared Joy
11:35 Joy And Grief Coexisting
13:05 Feeling The Feels Versus Avoidance
16:00 Doing The Inner Work For Lasting Joy
17:19 Naming Fear And Choosing Faith
20:12 Staying Emotionally Ready With Therapy
22:11 Old Trauma Resurfacing In ICU
25:00 Pride, Gratitude, And His Character
27:48 Finding Meaning As Health Improves
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Hey Ant. Hey Les, how's it going?
SPEAKER_01:It's going.
SPEAKER_00:It's a time.
SPEAKER_01:It's a time. It's a season. It's a I'm in a season.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Yeah. Um, all right, invite people in and then we can get going.
SPEAKER_01:Well, welcome to another episode of Black Boomer Besties from Brooklyn.
SPEAKER_00:I'm Angela, and that's Leslie, my best friend of almost 50 years. We are two free-thinking 60-something-year-old black women who have decided to live a life filled with joy and boldness. And we invite you to come along with us on our journey. More importantly, get on your journey. Continue on your journey. And um today we're uh it's a really tough time, and Leslie's gonna share some of what's been going on and some of the lessons that we're both both learning through it. Because guess who's not a we are not fair weather friends. You don't you don't get 50 years being fair weather friends, maybe six months. So we're gonna talk about how um I'm gonna talk about how it's impacting me too. Um, so go ahead, Les.
SPEAKER_01:So I told Ange that I wanted this week's recording to discuss a um personal family issue that I'm going through. And it's difficult because I have a um my son has been ill. And as any mother um would feel the difficulty with that, um, because half of my brain is uh is also a physician, so there are times when a loved one is ill when you know too much and you wish you didn't. So I just wanted to talk to you about some of the experiences and lessons, perhaps, or takeaways um that I'm going through. And I think that it might be helpful because life is life and we have joyful times, but we also have difficult and stressful times, and we certainly have loved ones that are ill and have um health challenges. So I just wanted to let you all know. Um, and and leave some comments and tell me, you know, what what your thoughts are about this. But for those of you who have been um following us for some time, I have a son who has um had a kidney transplant some years ago. And as a result, any if you've had an organ transplant, you spend the rest of your life taking immunosuppressant drugs so that you don't reject the organ. So people who have chronic immune suppression, they are not able to fight off germs, bugs, and things that people with a normal immune system can fight off. So, what I've always told my son is that if you get a cough, it's way more serious than if I get a cough. Or a headache to me is not the same as a headache to him. So that's some of the background. Turns out my son had been complaining of a headache for some time, so I finally took him to the hospital, and as it turned out, he was really quite ill. And in his illness, I went through different stages of emotion. Half of me as a mom, but the other half as a physician. And there were times, there were times when the medical information that I had I wish I didn't have. So here I was with a critically ill child who's an adult, but he's still a child. He's my child. And only now that his health is in and his condition is improving can I really find myself going toward the other side of it such that I can even talk about it. What actually happened to me was that I found I couldn't speak about it even. I couldn't use the words. And I was in such a fearful place that it was almost unspeakable. You know, I felt so alone and isolated in my thoughts, even though I had loved ones around me and people who were concerned. So I know some of these feelings you all may have experienced. So I just want to talk about it a little bit. When I thought about it, I realized there are about five lessons that I learned and am learning going through this experience. And I'm not gonna say that I've conquered them, but there are certainly things that I'm thinking about as my son's health is starting to improve. So all of my life I've enjoyed the richness of having good friends, meaningful connections, and I would say that I've cultivated a circle of loved ones that have been so valuable during this time for me. People that you don't necessarily have to speak to all the time, but you know those ride or die folks that you can make a call, or you don't even have to make a call, and they're right by your side, like this lady right over here. So if I had to say one of the first things that I've learned about it is to keep your loved ones close and in your heart. You never know when you may need them.
SPEAKER_00:If they resist, if the one in need resists, I'm good. Go anyway. There's a plan, it's okay. So what? Well, I don't know what you're gonna do if you figure something out, just have the bed ready. I have it all like I'm doing this at two, three, four, and then I'll do this from four to eight, and somebody else can do that. Be accepting of the help when it is presented to you. That's all is all as I'm saying.
SPEAKER_01:Ange, that's hard for me. I gotta tell you all that this lady who lives does not live near me, she got on a plane twice to make sure that I was okay. Stopped what she was doing, booked a flight, and said, if I can catch the next flight, I'll be there this evening. And as she was saying, I tried to resist. I'm okay now, I may need you later. I don't, I think I can do this. I'm all she's like, I'm on my way. So I can sit in the hospital with him while you're doing other things. And wow.
SPEAKER_00:It was it was my honor to do it. Yeah. Um, Leslie's son is the first baby, newborn, that I got to know. Um so he is and means more to me than um, I guess I could say maybe what one may think when they think of a best friend's son. Um, you know, we kind of shared raising him. He's he's he's he's this person that I have a great relationship with.
SPEAKER_01:Um we, you know, uh you have a separate relationship with him than you do with me. I do.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. I do. And so it was an honor to be with him and to be there for you. Um it it wasn't a burden at all. And lotion his feet while he lotion his feet and his hands and cut his toenails. I remembered when I used to hold them up when he was a baby, you know, before they became smelling like corn chips. They had a beautiful baby oil smell.
SPEAKER_01:Anyway, uh the second thing I thought about, I thought about my partner, my fiance, my love, my love, you know. Not only is he so good to me, but he's so good to our son. And once again, he stepped in when I didn't think that I really needed him to right now. And he was right here by my side.
SPEAKER_00:And then by our son's side. And I'm gonna say something about um, I don't know if I've said this to us, I think maybe I did in one of the car rides to wherever we were going. Um what I experienced in it's kind of this ability to um have joy and sadness exist in the same space, which I recognize, um, and maybe I didn't always even know that it was possible, maybe right next to each other, but at the same time. So seeing you and Rick together at your son's bedside, uming that he was seeing his parents like this, knowing that you you and he just got engaged, um, and being in joy about that, and also um feeling the the grief of a really sick nephew. Um and both things were happening at the same time, and I I recognized it, and it was just so wow. So I just kind of wanted to say that too, that maybe that that is something that um can be considered um with you listening, that those things can exist and there need not be like guilt or or um or pushing one aside for the other. Yeah. Um, there are these these moments in time when both joy and and grief can exist, can coexist.
SPEAKER_01:You know, now that you're mentioning some of the emotional part of it, one of the things that you often say is that you have to feel the feels. And this was such a sad time for me. Um I it's so difficult, I have a hard time putting words on it. But you encourage me that I need to feel these feelings, and I never want to do that. I try to skip over it. I did not stop working during this time because I wanted a distraction away from that sadness and those feelings, and I knew that I could be with him in the mornings or be with him all through the night or whatever, but by going to work, I did not have to experience some of the despair and fear that I felt, you know.
SPEAKER_00:Leslie has a way of um telling me, like when I'm telling her about some experience that I've been able to put into context um and you know, understand in ways that I was never able to before. I hadn't evolved to become who I am now. And you know, just being admiring of the way that I um manage things now. And what I told her is that it's these changes in me really came through me allowing me myself to experience grief and sorrow and not running from it and having this messy middle do the work that it was brought to do. Um, and that I saw her, I saw her doing that work, right? In the ways that she started framing things, in the ways that she recognized, even if, you know, um the decision, um, it's not the decision itself, is the recognition, okay, I'm doing this for this reason, or why did I do that? Or, you know, even those questions, that curiosity around how we think and why we believe what we believe, that I that I see her doing this work. Um and the result of doing the work is getting to some of the stuff that she admires about me. That it's not me and that has this special thing. It's anyone, and it will be you, Leslie, you know, um, as you move through. And I see it in you. I see this stuff going on. Like I've told you, like the way that you say, you know, I'm feeling this, and I know that it's kind of my ego showing up. That's like infant. That's 2.0. Yeah, so I see who's on her way to 2.5, to 5.0. I see these movements, and you know, when we talk about this joy stuff, it is that it's like not the not the moment when you feel the joy, it's how you're working to be able to experience joy in a long-term fulfilling way. Yeah, it's the hard part that I see you doing, and that my pride just swells when I kind of see how you are navigating this stuff. And again, even if the action isn't what's changing, but your your curiosity about the action, that is totally different. You see, you see what I mean?
SPEAKER_01:But but you know, that's I think the very essence of why we started the podcast in the first place. Because even though we were we are 60-something year old women, we do have a commitment to continue to grow and learn. And we want to talk about people who may share these ideas with us, you know, or have the same desire, or maybe feeling some things and say, you know, it's like I understand that I did that too. You know, but let me talk about the third thing that um has been helping me over these past few weeks. Every time, and it was a lot, I would cry to my sister or to Rick or to you about how afraid I am. I am afraid to lose him. I'm afraid of what my life would be if he were not in it anymore. You know, I was afraid of what who I would become as a partner with all of this grief inside of me. It there was so much fear, and every time I mentioned the word fear, my sister would say, No, no, no. Though you walk through the shadow shadow of the valley of death, you shall fear no evil, for he shall comfort you. And Monique cut me off right there and reminded me of faith and the importance of belief, and reminded me of examples of miracles in in his in our lives and the grace and mercy that he's been showing us and my family my entire life. Moni cut me off right there and said, no, no, no, you know, I could hear that. That's like big sister admonishing me. And she was consistent. Yeah, she was just reminding me, and I remember one time in particular from my house to the hospital, I just kept reciting that over and over because I didn't want other thoughts to come into my head, I didn't want the fear to creep back up. So, what I'm saying about this is that sometimes it's hard to remember your faith. Sometimes it's hard to experience that in your spirit, but as a believer, he's always with me and it's always there, and the noise may get in the way, and the fear and doubt and trepidation can creep in. But when we hold on and remember that he is with us, it helped me every time. Yeah, yeah. The other thing I want to say, and this may be the last lesson that I want to say, is that when hard times come unexpectedly or they befall us even expectedly, we have to stay emotionally ready for them. What I mean is we have to stay grounded in a way that can buffer some of this life that life be life and stuff. And remember, I'm sitting here being real with you. I'm not saying I have all this in the bag. I was not emotionally ready for this illness, nor am I really ready for what's gonna come in the future because he's not out of the woods and there's a lot of work that is gonna need to be done for his complete healing. So I wasn't really emotionally ready, and not many of us are when we have some uh a loved one who is critically ill. But I have a therapist in place, and you should hear some of the conversations I've been having with my therapist because of this crisis that we're going through. And I've really been talking to her about my fears and my concerns and the things that I would want and the things that scare me about the way that I was thinking.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. And you prioritized that. I did. You know, I did. You stopped your working out, you stopped your physical therapy, but you did not you insisted on making sure that you made your therapy appearance. Yeah. That's usually the opposite of what people do. They'll deal with the physical stuff, but they won't deal with the emotional stuff.
SPEAKER_01:I knew that what was in my head right now, right now, is more important. I know that I can get back to the physical. But what's in my head has to be right if I'm gonna continue to parent him to wellness. Yes. And it's one of the hardest things that I've had to do. You guys um may or may not know that um he's had 20 years ago, he was in an awful car accident and was also on a ventilator and life-threatened, and all of this. And being in the intensive care unit with him now, it brought back all of those memories. Seeing him unconscious and wondering if he's ever gonna wake up, wondering what to do about his work, what to do about his apartment, how is he gonna live on his own again? And all of those things came back. You know, so the emotional part, and because I'm this um type A, one would say, maybe. This one would say yes. If you didn't know me, you might say that. That's how I distract myself from the painful stuff. The things, the work that I don't want to do, I make lists and I start doing things. So it was important for me early to move him out of his apartment, put his things in storage, to do things. But in the evenings or when I wasn't at his bedside, I still had those thoughts. And that's when I had to continuously pray and cry out to God, you know, let your will be done, but please let it be that we had more time with him, you know, those things. And not just for the podcast.
SPEAKER_00:I just I just got tenure. I just got tenure after.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, I did give you tenure.
SPEAKER_00:You were on probation for four decades. So I feel I feel good. I'm so I'm so glad because I want to be kept. I I want to be kept. I um I told you this before, and I want to kind of just remind you of how amazing um a human being you raised. Um I've I took on some um follow-ups for you, and everyone says the same thing. He's such a nice young man. Man, when we talk about like he told you that, what you know, like he's he's he's he's an amazing, yeah. He's an amazing um young man. And yeah, you know, we say 37, and I'm you know, you it on the one hand, yes, he's a grown man, we know that. But on the other hand, he's only 37. Yeah, you know what I mean? He's only 37. And um I'm I'm so uh I feel so fortunate um that he that he's in my life and that um you know you made it possible for me to know him like I know him.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. You know, um what you said is that um thank you, Liz, for sharing him with my whole family. That's what you said. Yeah, he's been a role model to your children.
SPEAKER_00:My nieces, like everyone. You know, we have a family chat and they're keeping up to date. Um, so yeah, um, and um looking forward to coming back up. Yes.
SPEAKER_01:So I just wanted to share that with you because when we're in the difficulty, we don't I I gotta say, I I never knew that I would be on the other side of it. You don't know when you're in the middle of it, which is why I don't like being in the middle of things. I like predictability. But um now that his health is improving, thank God. Yes, Lord. I can start thinking about some of the thoughts and even lessons that I've learned. I do believe that all of these things happen for a reason. And I think I just need to try to quiet my mind and really attend to it and understand what's going on and be present for it, which I don't always want to be. So, this has been another episode of Black Boomer Besties from Brooklyn.
