Ep181 The One More Thing Trap

Your calendar is full, your body is tired, and then a shiny new opportunity shows up and whispers, just add one more thing. Besties Angella and Leslie know that voice well, and they’re putting it on the table with zero filter. 

From last-chance travel plans before a major move to the impulse to stack “productive” tasks on top of family time, they trace how overcommitment gets dressed up as responsibility, ambition, or “making the most of it.”   

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Transcript

Opening Banter And Joy Journey

0:02

Hey Ant. Hey Les, how you doing? Why do we start this way all the time? Because that's the most natural way it starts. It is. We want to find out how to natural way to look. I always make a comment on how you look. I was gonna say nice white shirt. Thank you, thank you. It's a little acru, not ecrew, it's a little cream. Oh it's a little cream off-white. Do you remember that commercial with the teacher? It was like a teeth whitening commercial, and the teacher was in front of the class. It's a young um young group of students. And she's like, Yeah, because um I have white teeth, and they the class started saying, mmm, it's kind of egg crew, cream off white beige. I don't know that. That's pretty funny. Such a good commercial. Anyway, yeah, it's good to be here today. It is. Welcome to another episode of Black Boomer Besties from Brooklyn. Hey guys! You know what I always tell you, I'm Angela, and that's Leslie, my best friend of 49 years. So we're gonna hit 50 and have a celebration next year. We are two free-thinking 60-something-year-old black women, and we are on our joy journey. We're being really intentional about um moving towards our joy. And what that means for us most of the time is breaking through some old assumptions that we've been carrying, old dogma, old rules of the road. You can, it turns out, teach an old dog new tricks. And because we're women, you can in fact teach old bitches. New tricks. We thought about at the same time. Uh so we're here to um to show you how we're doing it. We hope that you're on your joy journey or you're gonna start one because you're inspired by what we share on our um our podcast.

The Fear Behind One More Yes

2:12

And um today, like I got really frustrated. I got really frustrated at a decision that I was back and forth on. And I finally reached a decision about it. Like, come on now. And just as too much. You're too much. And I called Leslie. I'm like, Leslie was driving. She was on a six-hour drive. I'm like, Les, I'm just so mad at myself because I was so ready to take on this thing that I really shouldn't have. And, you know, we were talking about all the different ways that we convince ourselves. Um, and some of us are still holding on. But the ways that we convince ourselves, me too, about our capacity for doing more and why we should, and why it's our only chance, and why, you know, all of that stuff that we tell ourselves. So that's what we're gonna talk about today. And I'm gonna ask you if you're interested in this, this is kind of how we roll. We're two longtime best friends. We have candid conversations about things that we think really matter. We think will help to chisel away at some of the things that really keep us um super, super scripted outside of the joyscript. And we ask for your likes, for your shares, for your um your hitting the notification bell, all the things that you know you can do for free to help to support our channel. Please take a moment to do that now. And then, yeah, so Leslie forbade me to talk to her about it more on my ride up here. On the ride up. Yeah. She's like, no, I want to hear it all on the podcast. So we don't know how this is gonna go. But last time she said some shady shit. So she may end up saying some more of that. I may end up, so you're gonna get it raw. You're gonna get it raw today. So anyway, but listen, what I do know is that you and I are not on the same page with this. We're we're not. For the most part, we're not. Really on the same page. Um jump in. So um I'm gonna tell you what happened, but I really don't want to um kind of just expose the whole, the whole, all the people involved and so on. So I'm gonna kind of make it up a little bit. I was um uh, you know, I'm I'm planning to to move to Panama really soon. And two things, one thing we knew about that came up that requires for us to travel um to New York. And um we planned our leave date knowing we wanted to do that. But then something else came up um with another child in LA. And so we decided to do that too. So these are two things that are, you know, we that are kind of um energy requiring things that have come up after all this packing, after all this. You see the place. I'm I'm I'm in I'm in our apartment now, and you see the difference. Yeah. I feel like there's a constant echo, almost everything is gone. The things that are left, we're giving away. We're just using it, you know, until it's time to go. And um, so it's been a really intense, very um um taxing time for our mental and physical energy. Listen, we're in our 60s, okay? I know. Like we're it's I mean, we're strong, but come on. Like, you know, like the back starts to, no matter how many times I bend the knees before I pick up the the the okay? So something new came up. That's that first of all, that's part of the problem that that we're getting older. But that'll come in. I don't know. Is that the part of the problem? I don't know. What is it? Why is that a problem? I don't think I don't think it's it's becoming an issue because we are behaving in ways that we've behaved all of our lives, but we've not been this age all of our lives. So we're not modifying our activities to accommodate getting older and uprighters and things like that. And very often I have to remind myself that, Les, at 64, you don't need to paint the roof of the house. You know what I mean? And I'm serious about that because you know I do all that stuff myself. And I said, my disability would be very costly to me and my family and all if I fell off this ladder doing things that I grew up doing at 8 30. So true. So true. Yeah, so that's true. And you know what that you know what that reminds me of? Remember when you had surgery on your foot? And you refuse. And I don't know you were screwed. It felt so good that I said, I'm off from work. Let me paint my place. You refuse to listen to reason. Like I can do that. You just blew everybody off when they said, Les, what are you doing? And what's you can look at my bunny and right now and see that there's a screw, a little bump, and it's the screw coming up from me not resting my foot when I but anyway, what you bringing up my personal business for? It's this you reminded me. Because you reminded me, and that was damn. Anyway, so something, a really exciting opportunity came up while I'm in while I would have been in LA. And I'm like, ooh, yeah, that sounds good. And I started to just think about all of the um the the the good the long tail, as I like to say, that investing in that time and that money to do that thing. Since I'm there, I was gonna, I'm gonna be there anyway. I would just add this. So I was just thinking about, ooh, I could do this and this and this and this and this. And if I don't do it, I'll be really disappointed. And it's like I was getting excited. It was like, ooh, it was like, yes. Like you said, yes, Leslie couldn't make it because of it. You know, she's just back from okay. So I'm in this, I'm in this place, and I'd I pretty much decided that I was gonna do it. I was concerned about um how much it would um take away from the time that I was spending with my sons. Um, they were both gonna be there. And it was gonna be the last time that I I could like touch them before I I moved away. And so I was concerned about that. I'm like, okay, when can I do this? Okay, I'll do it in the morning. I'll be done by noon, and then we can have the rest of the day and all the things. I I was kind of carving out space for this other thing that I just kind of show into all of this other stuff that was going on. And then I woke up yesterday morning and I was like, what in the world? What what are you doing? What are you doing? Why can't enough be enough? This is when you start talking to yourself. Why do you feel like you have to do one more thing? That if you don't do this thing, it will ruin you, or you will miss you will miss this huge opportunity that, and that that is kind of what hit me too, because that that was that can help you to generate this money, that can help you to be on these stages, that can help you to do all the things that I really want to take a break from right now. This thing was getting me all revved up because it would take me towards the. I'm like, you said, you said that you were stepping away from that, at least for a little bit. You're moving, you're moving to a whole new country. And then you were gonna say, like, well, why would you one more time? Just one more time. Just one more. I was disgusted with myself, to be honest. And you were connected to the idea. I'm hanging my head in shame. Shame. Shame on you if you can't dance too, shame, shame on you. So that's how I was feeling, and that's what I could not. My bestie would not allow me to talk to her about it yesterday. So she's hearing about it now because she wanted me to wait so y'all could hear it at the same time. And it felt really bad. And when I started kind of telling Leslie about this topic, it's usually me telling her, girl, you're doing too much. Stop. It's usually me telling her, we're gonna put some some posts. We actually, I'm gonna create a playlist because we have several episodes that talk about doing too much, and they usually focus on they usually focus on my girl here. But this time, this time it's me too, because listen, you're never finished, you you you never finish improving yourself. You really know the work is never done. You really have to always be conscious of these ways. If if you think that you were rove here, first of all, you've heard me say that, probably Leslie say that a few times, a rove here, but we know that that is not proper English. It's it's a very old joke. Um, you you never arrive to this place of being fully, fully, fully all the things, all the you know, um bag of chips things, right? You always have to kind of just always be checking yourself. And so that's what I wanted to tell you about, Les. And I know that you did something because I was when you showed me, I was like, what in the world? So if you don't tell it, I'm gonna tell it. So go ahead.

Two Stories Of Doing Too Much

13:12

Oh, I'll take a sip while I listen. There's there's not that much shame in my game, though. So you guys know that I'm moving around. But you got you got the game. I'm not going to Panama yet, but I'm moving around, right? So I'm bringing um some items up to my other home, well, I'll say, in in another state, so I'm packing up. I packed up so much, so many boxes in my SUV to take the drive here because you know, we renovated the house. I'm sure I've mentioned it and all. So now I'm dressing the house, bringing things into the house and stuff. So I said, I'm gonna bring in all the fragile kitchen wear and serveware and this and that. So I picked up the stuff. I got so much stuff in the car after my son and I packed up as I'm about to close the hatch. I said, wait a minute. Don't we have to get in here? I said, don't we have to put a bag in? Like a bag with three? Nothing. There was there was no room. And I tried to keep a little alley, a little alleyway so that I my rear view mirror can work. That was gone. It's like, because why? Because I had to get one more thing in. Les, you have to tell them about what you did with the books when you said these things don't have to stay in boxes. They don't have to be in boxes. Okay, so now there's no more boxes. I said, I can take the boxes, books out of the boxes, and put them under the seats. Imagine. Just get a few more books in. And now, mind you, I just got off a flight from St. Thomas um yesterday and came unpacking the car to take this trip. And I said to Rick, you know, I can't get anything. In fact, I said to him Mari, I'm like, your legs don't work so well, right? Can I use your space on the passenger side to put more stuff in? Can't you like catch up your legs? Did you hear that? You need to rewrite, rewind that part and just hear what it said. Yet she's not convicted that it's too much. No, she's not. She's not. I said, I'm almost done. I said, but there's barely any room for us to sit. I can't look through the back window and this. And he's like, why are you doing this? Why? And and I said, I gotta get as much in. And he's like, but why? He's like, this is not the only time you have to do that. And this is the thing. He's and I said, You don't understand. You're retired, so you have way more time than I do. But when uh when else am I gonna do this? You know, I have some time off before I need to go back to work, and I am more on a on a time budget than people who are not working full-time. So what I concluded is that Rick really doesn't understand, you know, and it's I'm not blaming him per se, but there's two reasons why I don't think he'll ever get it. One he has been in retirement mode for so long that he can't he can't ramp up to meet Leslie's non-retirement mode. The other thing, this is kind of funny, but for the last six decades he's been in retirement mode. We just have a different personality. Right, right. He has never been the hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, you know, he's that guy that he gets to work 20, 30 minutes before the shift starts. He'll get to the airport two hours in advance. He's more comfortable just sitting and relaxing. Me, I got global entry, I got TSA Precheck. I'm getting there 15 minutes before boarding. I don't want to sit around. And the reason I don't want to, we were just talking about this in St. Thomas because they all said they advise people to get to the airport four, three or four hours in advance. And we're like, that is ridiculous. And Monique is like, why can't I get there? I'll sit there, I'll look around, I'll read it. Me, me, I'm like, why should I be there? There's something else I could be doing. I could be getting a little more sun, I could be shopping, I could be this. I'm sitting. It's a different mindset and a different personality. And I think that it's really good that we have these people in our lives because they bring us a little bit of the balance. They do. You know, they do. It's like, why you gotta do this on your vacation? Why? Yeah. Why does it have to get done?

When Go Mode Breaks Self Control

18:32

I was watching uh Kiki Palmer has a new uh TED Talk. If you get a chance to listen to it, it's it's it's it's really well done. Um and she talked about her um her early years, um low, low-income family, a lot of love, a lot of togetherness, and all that stuff. And then because of her um creative artistic abilities, they have come into a different lifestyle and so on and so on. And she talked about her um the fact that where these things, acting and performing and so on, were things she used to do as hobbies that she really loved doing, when it started to become something that there was the responsibility, she had the family's incomes responsibility on her shoulders at a very young age, right? She was she was um content with with that responsibility, but it shifted from these things are now fun to I have to keep doing this because if I don't, my whole family is depending on me, right? But then she went into what she saw happening with herself, just kind of being in this mode and doing and doing and doing, and you know, well, if I have to do this, I'm gonna go all in, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna keep active, blah, blah, blah. So then she kind of shifted into, but now she's a mom and she has a little boy. I don't know how old he is. He looked like he may be five or so, four or five. And she talked about this lesson that she learned from getting into thank um what is Halloween. She started making a big production every Halloween about her and her son and their Halloween get-up, right? Like huge production, right? And she saw how he was kind of getting into that go, go, go, go, go. And he couldn't calm himself down. He couldn't self-regulate. She had brought him into this way of being. Yeah. Just kind of this go, go, go, go, go. And um, this particular day, she said that she could not calm him down. She had to stop what she was doing. She had to hold him until he was able to kind of sink breathing with her and calm down. And what she took away from that is that that's who she had become. This person who it was hard for her to relax. It was hard for her to go on vacation. It was hard for her to stop thinking about all the things that had to get done because now she had a reason to do it all, right? And I think that's what I'm saying. It's like, it's not like I like I just said, Rick, you don't understand because you don't know what it feels like to have the time constraints, you know, where you I have to be back at work, but I still haven't yet painted the place. This, you know, I haven't finished, I haven't done my taxes yet. You know, so it's it's if you don't feel that. Burden that, oh my God, oh my God, well then I don't think that you can understand the frenetic pace. Yeah. I I but I think that is true. And I and I think that another thing is true. Many other things are true, right? This is the lotto, this is the the lottery ball. It's not true. No, other things are true. Other things are true in that, okay, um, but does it have to be this trip? You did not rest, you're driving, you're making a long trip. Does it have to be this? You know that there are options. You have talked about hiring someone to take panels down. You know, you know you have someone that you trust who can, you know about Task Rabbit, you know about Fiverr, you know all these things that you can do. And so consider not locking into this, this, this, this, this being tr being right about this thing. He doesn't understand. That's true. And also, you can also not be so frenetic about all the things you have to do because you don't have to do them. They you may, they may have to get done, but you having to do them is bullshit. But see, but here's here's okay. Okay. So I think this is almost the crux of it. What I say is that if and and you've been helping me with this. Okay. Good. XYZ needs to get done. So if we can all settle on a way that it can get done without Leslie's hand in it, I you're right. I don't have to do everything. But then show me a way or assist me or this or whatever. And uh obviously he does. Yes. But in in the in the case of in his case, yes, what he doesn't what I don't think he sees is that when my task list is this long, yes, I'm unable to rest well. Yes, yes, you know, yes, and I know you've said that in the past that the way that I am, once I check off the task list, something else gets on the bottom. But not always. Yeah. But I do know that it's very hard for me, like Kiki Palmer's son, to self-regulate if I am sitting, because now I'm sitting going through the list. Yes. You know, and the meditation courses that I've taken, the mindfulness courses, and that type of training has been helpful. Yes. But you know, I kind of think I get it genetically. You know, this do do do this pace, this gotta be done, you know. Catch up, catch up, you know. Okay. Yeah, and I, you know, I I understand because many mornings, and it's it's getting less now because it used to be every morning, but many mornings still, my first thought is what I have to get done today. And then I kind of stop myself and I say a little prayer. Um, but that is how I wake up thinking about what is on the list and did I already put it on my reminder list or did I not? That's typically how Angela wakes up. So I understand, and I, you know, I have similar conversations. The thing that I want to kind of offer you now is that a part of this is allowing yourself not only not to necessarily take any steps right now, but to allow yourself to say, there's a different way I can be. I don't have to kind of run to this is why, and it and it becoming this badge of truth. And, you know, it's like, well, you don't understand. And until you understand this is how and this is why, if you soften your resolve around that. But I also, okay, just put a pin right

Asking For Help Without A Fight

26:22

there. Okay. The reason I push back in the way that I did, though, is because for someone else and anyone to make a pronouncement that you don't have to do this, I think uh a better way to approach me in that would be is there anything I can help with? Or more of curiosity, why does it have to get done right now? Sure. You know, instead of telling me, it it almost sets up an adversarial position as we believe that this needs to get done, and I'm telling you, it doesn't have to get done. I understand. So it sets up a clash, whereas I think Yeah, yeah. This is bringing out some some feelings because I'm thinking back about some other conversations that he and I have had in his way. If you guys hear something as I said, you could stay in here while you're sleeping, but I didn't realize that I'd be sleeping with a gorilla. But anyway, um I can't hear a thing. Okay. Um what often happens is that he'll look at me and the way that I approach things and the lists and the bucket list. I remember I know we said it on a podcast in the past that he doesn't have a bucket list, he never did, and doesn't understand why anyone would. I'm just fine. Bucket list. I don't have a bucket list. I've done everything I need to do, you know, that kind of thing. Or there's nothing I need to do. But anyway. I think very often because of our different personalities in this regard, we do. I often think he doesn't really understand my pace and things. In fact, just recently, um I said to you, we need to approach him a little bit differently in this project that the three of us are working on because he's he didn't say it, but he had I noticed his behavior was a little bit different. He'd been irritable, and he's not an irritable person. And I asked, you know, is something going on or whatever, and he admitted that, you know, he's feeling a little pressed because he's picking up some of my energy. Why does this have to get he he said, why does it need to be done on a time? Why did it why is it time sensitive? Yeah, you know, so yeah, we are different in the way that we approach different tasks. Yeah, you know, but and I think I did push back because he just came at me like, it doesn't have to, you know, without any attempt at understanding. Yeah. So so what I would say to that is until he does, you do. Okay, what I mean by that. I mean you mentioned just now and before, if he would only approach me this way, I would right, if he would say it with, how about doing it this way and not that with that type of thing. And what I'm saying, until he starts talking to you that way, there are things you can do. You don't have to wait for him. No, that's of course, right? So right? So we we we we work on things that we have control over, which is ourselves and our responses to things, right? So oh, I can't control other people. Oh, oh, oh. I'm not bossy, I'm just helpful. Exactly. So I mean, that is the move. That's that's the that's really like the cheat code. Right. Is you start controlling yourself when you can't control others. So it doesn't become a fight because he won't do and you won't do. It stops being a fight because you will do, and you just have to shift. Yeah. And then it's not this. So, so what I'm just in in practical terms, you can say, for example, can you say it to me a different way because I really want, I I think I would understand, I'd be able to calm myself down if maybe you gave me an alternative. You can say it like that. Or you can say, I mean, you're thinking it, but you're not saying it because you're fighting. Well, right. And and obviously fight is we're using the word fight. Yeah, of course. There was an antagonism per se. I understand. But this is that's actually a really good um, that's helpful because in the in the past, I remember I had some previous time off a couple of months ago, and I was gonna use that time to do a long distance move and um unpack and repack and all of whatever it is. And he said, right there, he's like, Les, you're not gonna do that. You're overworked, you have time off right now. We can hire movers if you want, but you don't have to be here unpacking. And and I can take care of that. Yeah, so right there he showed me we can get this done, but you don't have to have a hand in it. Yeah, and stress yourself and go back to work exhausted and all of that. And um, that's I the control freak in me said, I want to be there to do it. I need to know where they, you know what I mean. I mean, yeah, and and he knew that because our newly renovated kitchen here had nothing in it, not even a spoon in the drawer. Because he says, I will wait until you can put these things away and I'll figure out where they are. Right. Because he knows I want that's my thing. But anyway, yeah, so the control freak in me says, I want to be in control of every step of the way. Right. But what I realized is one, I don't need to be in control, but but the bigger picture in him intervening in that way was that that's my love language. He showed me that he's concerned about my well-being. Yes. And he's offering to take something off of my plate. That's everything. That's everything. And consider everything. When you're pushing back, you're not allowing that to come to you. You're not allowing the gift to come in because it's like if he's trying to give me something that I appreciate, and I'm saying no, no, no, no. Right. That has come up a few times too in this kind of thing. You know, it's like, but wait a minute, isn't that what you asked for? That you don't want to be the leader all the time. Don't talk about that. No, I'm just gonna leave it right there. I'm just saying that, you know, that that we can kind of see our our patterns.

Modeling Rest For The People You Love

33:41

Kind of the language that I would use, because I've had um some similar things, um you know, the the one that comes to mind the most, because it was like the the big, the biggest teaching moment for me, is when my first um, my eldest, um, almost in helping me in the way that I was parenting my youngest, because they're seven years apart, um, said, Mom, you you need to make space in your day for him. And so I'm like, yeah, but he's doing this and this, and you know, he knows that he can just come in unless I have a sign on my door saying that I'm in a meeting, he knows he can come in. And they were like, that's not enough. That's not good enough. Your your office is your workplace. If if you come out and you sit in the living room during the time when you're not working, even if he is not coming and sitting with you and watching TV or whatever, that indicates to him that you have space. Wow. And even if he's just walking by, you know, this child is just I'm so grateful for who they are, and that the way that I've parented allowed them to speak to me this way and me to kind of let it in. Wow. And they were like, you've gotta sit outside. That's not the that's not the message that that's my business. That's exactly that you may be given that message. They're not receiving that. They're receiving that mom is busy in that room that we're exactly not allowed in. And they're also hearing, mom is always busy. Mom is too busy for me. Always in mom is right. And so it was it was a real kind of like you had to come out the room. I had to come out and sit. And guess what? It was rest time for me. I was watching TV, I was crocheting, and and they saw, and I was modeling, not only kind of being available, but I was modeling, yeah, you can take rest breaks out of your busy day. No, it was just you know, it's just kind of these these types of messages. And again, it was me deciding I was going to allow this this teaching to come from in that direction from my child to me, and not they don't know, I got this, you know what I mean? He understands you're you're you're off uh at school, you don't understand our dynamic, he knows, he can't. You know what I mean? What do you know? And this this the the framing that that I was really kind of and am still, but I am managing it much better, is the I hate waste. I really do. I hate waste. And so when I feel like, oh, but if I just if I'm already here in LA, for example, and I can do this one other thing, I'm saving money, I'm I'm making the most out of this time. Yes, and that's that was my framing. I'm making the most out of this time. But wait a minute, it's like, but that time is supposed to be for your kids. Why are you turning it into this and that? You don't think they'll notice that? And even if they don't as a ding against me, it is a thing that, yeah, if they were asked, you know, this question about how was how was, you know, how was it five years from now? How was it, you know, um seeing your mom go? Yeah, they'll think about that, yeah. Well, you know, four hours out of this time they were spent doing some doing something for work. That's not right. It's just not cool. Huh. It's just not cool. Right? And so it's kind of like And I guess that it came from you realizing that, not that there would that was not something that they had to request of you. Because they wouldn't have. Yeah, because they exactly, because they wouldn't have. But that's why, Les, when I say to you, like just in the moment, kind of just try to reframe things, because that is you, and it is about you. It is about what you can change. We can always point out all the things. If if they only did this, I would come at it differently, and so on. And yes, that would be like an easy serving on a plate, on a platter, but they're things that we control, and those things, the things that we edit about ourselves, the things that we kind of just manage about ourselves, they actually are the best. It's like, oh my God, I did that. Even though I was feeling this way, I'm really like, look at what I did. You know what I mean? Right. I don't do that anymore. Yes, yes. And you you you credit me a lot in the ways that you've seen me shift. You give me a lot of credit for that. And I try to tell you that it's not anything um like extraordinary. Just listen to it in the way that I mean it. It's not this extraordinary thing that I do, it's the little things that I do along the way that you also can do. Do you know what I mean? Because they add up. You know what I'm saying? And and so this idea that, oh, Ange can do this or Ange does this easily, or so and so on. No, you can do them too. But, you know, you have to see yourself in that way. You have to, you know, in the moment, you have to do this as the start first. And you can even say, I didn't do it that time, but I did it before, so I'm gonna do it next time. It doesn't have to be this perfect thing if you do it 10 times and you miss on the 11th, then oh. See, you asked me to take a picture of the car yesterday, and I was doing it because I didn't want any evidence. But we've done podcasts about me loading up my cars with plants, with stuff, with the convertible, the crap falling out of the convertible. I'ma add that one. It's we've done this before. Yes, yes. I will put a link to that one, guys. Yes, it's a pattern now. I'd call it a habit. But you know, it's and just for just for completeness, you call it a habit. And there is this um this this valve, this control valve that you have at your disposal around this habit to turn it down and to be aware of turning it down. Right. Okay, I'm turning it down. Because if you just hold on and kind of in a way have this wrong and strong, yeah, but this is why. And I can I have justification for being this way. I'm not on vacation, I'm so forth and so on. You can change that into okay, that's why I'm holding it here, and you can really turn that down. It's yes, that's true, and I still don't have to do all that because I can somebody else can do it. Yeah. Yeah. It's it's a it's it's and let them. And let them remember them. I'll be again transparent. Look at Les. Look at you, see through me. You know how I so appreciate it, appreciate my partner because he takes control and he's he's so apt to ease my burdens and just take control. But here is okay, so that's the umbrella. This is somebody that I've prayed for. You know, it's like I want somebody that can lighten my load, ease my burden, take control. I don't want to make all the decisions. And then what was I doing? Not really to him, but in my mind and possibly to you, I'm like, he's forcing me around. Yeah, yeah. He's telling me what to do. Yeah. Why does he gotta be in control? Why? Why I gotta do it's like no must. Yeah. The man is the framing is is critical. Yeah. And you know, there there are ways that you can right. It it's but when you look at it through these narrow lens, you don't realize that these are the trees, but this is the forest. You know? Yeah. It's the forest. Crazy. You know, it's just it's it's all like um tweaking

Turning Down The Strong Black Woman Dial

43:01

to me. And and and I think when we grow up saying we have to be strong black women, and we see that modeled from our our our mothers and and grandparents and so on, this this drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, you know, it has its place. It's it has its place, and also allow, you know, for other ways of being, allow some of some of that in. When when I spoke to you when you were in St. Thomas, and I said, um, are you are you relaxing at all? And you know, you were there for a conference, it wasn't of just a straight up vacation. I get it. But then when you sent pictures of you guys on the on the boat out there, and I'm like, okay. Yes, okay. She can do this, she can turn it off a little bit. My gosh, yes. We have the most. Yeah, it's just the little tweaks. It's the little tweaks, babe. That's it. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And and I'm not doing, I'm not doing the extra. I'm gonna go and hang out. I mean, my youngest paid for his own ticket, his own hotel to come and be with us, support his brother, and see us off before. I'm not doing a damn thing except being up under him. That's what I'm gonna be doing. I love it. Touching, touching my children. No regrets. No. And you're you're not feeling like you're missing anything. No, you gotta catch up. I was, but I let it go. You let it go. I let it go. Because there are other ways to do things. Yes. You know, they gave us an an alternative. Yes. You know, take the alternate route. Yeah. You're asking for a lot. Yeah. But I'm glad that thank you for talking to me about this. You know, it's I'm a work in progress, but I don't think, you know, there's progress. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Because you there was a time, there was a time when you'd be like, Ange, I get it. I I'm not hearing that right now. There was a time. Yeah. Okay. All right. Good. Good.

Final Reflections And Goodbye

45:16

All right. You guys listening. Food for thought, right? Food for thought. You find yourself in any of this? Food for thought. Yep. I'm just saying. It's a part of the dread journey. Let's go. Let's go. It's just me. Is there one? Is there one? Is there one? Now we're getting silly. Well, this has been another episode of Black Boomer Besties from Brooklyn. Brooklyn!