Ep191 Watch out: Your talents can become joy stealers

The things that have brought us success can become our biggest source of burnout, and it often happens so quietly that we don’t even notice until our bodies, our partners, or our coworkers say it out loud. In this episode we dig into a pattern that shows up everywhere: overusing a strength until it goes from serving us to costing us. 

Leslie brings in an article 

Overusing A Strength: 5 Signs for Physicians

by Dr. Ben Reinking, and we unpack it in plain language with our own sobering stories.

If you care about burnout recovery, boundaries, emotional wellness, and protecting joy while still being an ambitious, capable person, press play. Subscribe, share this with a friend who does too much, and leave us a review so more people can find the conversation.

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Transcript

Fruit Finds And Catching Up

SPEAKER_01 0:02

Hey Ange. Hey Les. How's it going?

SPEAKER_02 0:06

How's my Panama Pally? I'm doing just great. Just wonderful. I went out and bought, oh my gosh, two bags of fruit for five dollars. That was six mangoes, um, six oranges, and a um, this was extra, a bouquet of flowers for ten dollars. So I'm feeling really good. So we have listen, I can buy a bag of fruit here.

SPEAKER_01 0:39

They sell three big, big um oranges for five dollars.

SPEAKER_03 0:44

Yeah, there you go. Have at it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:48

Love your artwork behind.

SPEAKER_03 0:50

So it's to be you, no.

SPEAKER_01 0:52

I'm blessed to have the five dollars. How about that? There you go. Exactly. And it would suck more if I didn't have it. But welcome to

Choosing Joy On Purpose

SPEAKER_01 1:00

another episode of Black Boomer Besties from Brooklyn.

SPEAKER_02 1:03

Hey guys, I'm Angelas. That's Leslie, my best friend of almost 50 years. We are two free-thinking, 60-something-year-old black women. And uh, we have decided to make joy this the way that we move in the world, to be very intentional about joy. And that requires us to push against some of the things that we, some of the ways that we've been socialized to be as black women, as older black women. And um, we push against that and find our own way, right? And so um a lot of that is introspection, and we're gonna be talking about that, an aspect of that today that has come up a few times, but Leslie stumbled upon an article, so I'll let her talk about that. And um, listen, this is a um labor of love that we have here on our podcast and YouTube channel. Please um consider supporting us by giving us a like, sharing this with others. It really does help. And um, yeah, so mention our Patreon. Oh, yes, and we have a Patreon um for people who want to support us financially. It's just five dollars or ten dollars. You get some perks from us, um, and you also get exclusive content. Okay, okay, that's good.

SPEAKER_01 2:34

So listen, thank

The Trap Of Overusing Strengths

SPEAKER_01 2:36

you. I was minding my own business as I do. Alright, starting, starting a little suspect. So I came across this article, it's called overusing a strength. And I'm like, did Angie send me this? Because listen, I did not. She has been send telling me about the perils of overusing an asset. So I read it and I'm like, oh my gosh, this is so much like what Ange has been telling me for years. And I really want to just um, I say, we need to talk about this because, you know, it's not something that we ever emancipate ourselves from. But I all I think that if we keep it in mind, we kind of may be able to keep this in check. So this article is um written by um a physician. His name is, um, I just want to get it right. His name is Dr. Ben Renkin R E uh Renkin, R-E-I-N-K-I-N-G. He's a board-certified pediatrician and a pediatric cardiologist. But he runs, he has this company, uh website is called the Developing Doctor. And he really speaks to some of the emotional and um psychosocial aspects of being a physician and some of the things that we may run into and whatever. So he talks about how we're as physicians, we're so used to being uber capable of this one particular niche that we spend decades training to do and love, that we sometimes miss the forest for the trees, and we take this skill set that we have here and extrapolate it elsewhere. And that's where we run into problems. And Ange has always said to me, you know, when I'm like, well, how could this go wrong? Why doesn't he understand me? And why am I feeling this way or whatever? And she's reminding me that there are some traits that I have that while good can be overused, and that's when they can turn bad. So and they're not just good, they're amazing. Right.

SPEAKER_02 5:06

They're amazing. Right. And I and I say that because they're amazing, you might think, well, what's wrong with this if it's so amazing?

SPEAKER_01 5:15

If it's so amazing, and everybody acknowledges that this is such a great characteristic. Let me just read a little bit of how he starts he starts. He says, showing up has never, and obviously we'll leave links for this. Showing up has never been your problem. You put your head down, you gut it out. The strength that built your career is the one you reach for when you when the work gets hard. So you reach for it again and again, until showing up becomes second nature, even when you're no longer sure why. That is the quiet start of overusing a strength. And what I want to say is that he and I am protect um particularly speaking about medicine and being physicians, but it's across anything. You know, it's it's why housewives, it's motherfucking. I'm gonna give you some examples to really let it be. This this idea of overusing a strength and when it become can become um detrimental to your health and well-being can stretch across so many different genres.

SPEAKER_03 6:24

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:26

And and in your personal life, right? So this is this is in the person, it's not a kind of um, it's not really a role-based or uh this this is at work, and this is it's just it's just who you are.

When Getting It Done Hurts Others

SPEAKER_02 6:41

And and Leslie is someone, one of her um talents, we're gonna use the terms strengths, talents, and gifts interchangeably here, right? So one of her um talents is that she she gets shit done. She's uh she's a go-getter, she gets shit done, right? Um, and what it looks like often is she gets everything done. Like she gets burned out because she's doing everything. And it could also look really cocky to depending on the circle that you're in, because it's like, okay, I get the stunts, so let me do it. Right.

SPEAKER_01 7:21

Because you can't do it. Right. And I and that happens to me. Or often, you know, nurses are employed to do certain things and to help. And I push everybody back and I say, let me do it, let me do it. You know, so I might be doing double work that other people are doing. And I'm getting tired.

SPEAKER_02 7:41

That part. You're doing double work and you're communicating to them whether it's intentional or not. And we know that it's not your intention, but what you communicate to them is that you think they cannot do their work, their work that they have trained for, and you're saying that, oh, it's really not nothing because I can do it in my sleep, right? So you go over there and you communicate communicate that. And, you know, in this joy stuff that we talk about, well, what I want to bring out here is that, of course, is a personal thing, right? It affects Leslie because it makes her tired and and so on, but it also affects the people around you. And in this joy business, because we don't live in this world alone, whether you are living by yourself or not, you got to go outside, you gotta talk to the people in a taxi, you gotta talk to the people in the store. We live in the world with others, then these things become important because they are um affecting the way that you're showing up with others, right? So this idea of overuse strength is is also, it's not only this kind of um personal um uh detriment if they're overused consistently, but they also um are affect the people. Your interpersonal world, right? Yeah. Some of these people you like, some of these people you even love. And you may be communicating these things. Yeah. Um, and then down the line, oh, I wonder why they feel this way about me. All I tried to do was help.

SPEAKER_01 9:14

Yeah, but did your helping indicate to them that it's because you don't feel that competent or exactly I'll be transparent, and that might have been a subliminal message that I've um expressed in my former relationship, you know, where I'm gonna do everything. I did the home stuff, I did the work stuff, I did the cooking and the this and the that and the this, you know what I mean. And as one half of a partnership, the my partner may have felt diminished, you know, or you know, men love to be able to help and step in and whatever. But I I do remember him, I do remember, well, it depends on how, but I do remember once he said, you know, I liked you better when you were more dependent on me. You know, that also reminds me. That also reminds me of um, there was something on television or whatever, and I think they they, you know, they were asking, um, like, what would you like to change about yourself if you could, or something like that, you know. So my son was sitting here and his um homemade was there, and and I'm like, okay, what would I change about myself?

SPEAKER_00 10:37

And I was like thinking, and Omara yelled out, you do too much. You do too much. You do too much.

SPEAKER_01 10:47

You do he said that about you in the house. He said it right before he went unconscious. He said, You're doing too much, Ma. You're doing too much. That's what his those could have been his last words to me. You're doing too much.

SPEAKER_02 11:02

By the way, shout out happy birthday to my nephew. Oh, today's his birthday. I'm gonna call you a little later when mama's out of the house so we can chat it up. Yeah. Um, yeah, and that's that's kind of what it um what it looks like, right? And so this whole conversation is about awareness, right? And um as we often talk about, sometimes it's not big shifts in behavior or awareness that are needed to make big shifts in the way that you kind of experience joy and how much flows towards you and how much you flow out and things like that, right?

Stress Shows Up In The Body

SPEAKER_02 11:43

Sometimes it's just this awareness. Um, and what I'll also say about this overuse thing is that um they it tends to move into this direction of overuse when you're under stress, right? Because that's kind of your place. That's what I know I can do this well, right? I know, and so when you are when you don't have all of your kind of sharp mental acuity working for you when you're under stress, you tend to really go into your your talents, gifts, um, strengths and the old things.

SPEAKER_01 12:19

Dig down, dig down, you're more yeah. Um, what what I'll say about that is that, you know, being in knowing medicine and how the body works, not only is it emotionally, can become emotionally exhausting, it's physically weathering. When we have this constant stress, stress, stress. And I'm talking about obviously a particular type of strength, strength. You know, we have many talents that may be overused, but I'm talking about the doing too much, I gotta get it done. Oh, you know, I'll rest later. I don't need rest, I'm not tired, that type of thing. Yeah. It it can lead to chronic medical problems where you have physical um manifestations of um stress on your heart from increased cortisol and high blood pressure, you know, elevated um blood pressures from um from these things and the constant stress. Um, what I'm finding, and I and um I was told that this might have been an issue before, but it's it's becoming more noticeable now is that I'm having jaw pain. Um and I I believe it's from clenching my teeth, you know, and that's like a stress reaction, actually. So it might even happen while I'm sleeping or so, because I was told I grind my teeth. But I'm gonna be on you now. Oh my god, you see, I should not have said that. But but no, what I'm saying is that, you know, we as women, we as black women, we're so used to doing like like we we we're lauded when it's like, oh girl, you know, look at you getting shit done or black girl magic or whatever. It's like, no, we're real people, we ain't magic people. You know, it's like we're we're just human beings, you know, with the same physiology as other people. And if we keep taxing and taxing and go into the well, the well can run dry. But I want to go into a couple of um um details about what Dr. Renkin um said.

Five Signs You Have Gone Too Far

SPEAKER_01 14:26

Well, we all understand why a strength turns you on. It says a signature strength is a trait you use naturally. Calling on it takes little to no effort. Using a strict signature strength, it energizes you. You know, it makes you feel good, especially when other people admire it and say, girl, look at you. It's very natural. Man, you painted this whole house by yourself, really? What? You know.

SPEAKER_02 14:52

I wonder why you picked that one.

SPEAKER_01 14:56

Yes, I did paint the interior and exterior of my ranch house. Um, but sign one, when you reach for the same tool for every problem, right? You know, it's like think of your signature strength as tools in a toolbox. Some tools suit certain tasks better than others, you know, a screwdriver versus a hammer. A hammer. Yes. And I know in personal relationships right here, right now, that my way of helping people sometimes has been detrimental. I'm always there to lend an ear. You know, you can lead on me, you can call me at any time because I can take it, you know, when I see other people in stress. Bring your stress to me and whatever. But what I realized, oh, many, so many things. One, I was enabling. And in this one particular case, I was preventing that person from finding their own solutions.

SPEAKER_02 16:07

Les, let me tell you what happened and and how, because that just um reminded me. Um, so I learned about this, I'm gonna call it a phenomena, um about 20 years ago. Um, I was in my mid-career, and this gentleman named uh Jerry Brightman. He came to Cisco where I spent um the two-thirds of my tech career. Um and he was doing leadership development. Um he works at um, he's a lecturer at Tufts University, and he's also at um the Center for Creative Leadership. For those in the game, these are these are um central, um very progressive leadership development um areas, um places. So a group of us came together, we're taking this course, and he asked us to introduce ourselves, but he didn't say just introduce yourself. He said introduce yourself um as using a strength that you overuse. Wow. So imagine a room full of maybe 20 people. Um, we're all managers, and he says that, right? And some of us know each other, but it's a little embarrassing, right? Oh, and now you're gonna introduce yourself with some vulnerability. Exactly. And so what I said is um, hi, my name is Angela, and I'm a really good listener. And that listening gets me entangled in people's messes, right? And like you just said, and and makes and enables bad behavior a lot of the times. And so a whole room full of people introduce themselves that way. And so I'm gonna go through some of the things that just in the last five minutes before this meeting, I thought about as things that we tend to say, oh, I'm I'm this thing, or I can do this thing super well, right? So I'm gonna give some examples of strands, talents, gifts, right? That people say often. Oh boy. You may find a few on your list, okay? Yes. And I'm gonna use an overused um terms that show overuse. And I'm gonna use terms that they're not nice, they're just how you may be perceived, and so you may want to just check yourself, right? Okay, so oh, I'm detail-oriented. You may be seen as being a nitpicky, a nitpicker, right? That when when that detail-oriented strength is overused. I'm a problem solver, okay. But do you have to solve everyone's problem? Everybody's problem? Um, I'm an idea person. Okay, but that may slow down your decision making because you're it all you got 50 ideas, right? When you overuse, it may impact your how quickly you can make decisions. Dang, and you came up with this all employment. Just like that. Just like you're like really. I'm really coachable, yes. And that could look like a you being a pushover because you just go with what people tell you to do if it's overused. Um, I know that some of us feel like they have this really strong sense of of justice and you know, fairness, and you know, you're not treating. Well, if you overuse that, it may, it may be seen as being very stubborn, being stuck in your ways, um, always wanting to fight, those types of things. Now, we're not saying that these things are the right way to perceive you. We're saying that when you overuse your strengths, these things are the ways that um you may look to other people, and these ways of looking to other people may affect the way that you experience that's just it. What is the effect on you that it has? Exactly. Exactly. So it's uh it's a good reason to kind of I'm uh I'm going to um bring a a personal um one.

SPEAKER_01 20:38

So I have a friend who he's just so great at he oh so it's not you, is so great at fixing everybody. He he's that person that family members, friends, everybody goes to for advice, very wise and whatever. And he, you know, he steps up in that role. You know, people call him up, what am I gonna do? And this and that. So he's so I I'll speak to him and I'll present a problem or an issue. And right away he says, Well, what you should do is, and I have to say, just listen, I'm just telling you something. I'm really not looking for you to fix it or advice right now. Yeah. Because knowing who I am, I want to have some ownership and capability of going through the motions and solving problems. I don't need or want all of my issues, I want many of them solved by somebody else. Please take this burden off of me. But some of them I want to keep for myself and work through and chew on, you know. So, in that regard, you know, so if I'm speaking to him in this way, he's a little surprised. That what do you mean you don't want me to solve the problem? You're telling me it's a problem. I want to fix it for you.

SPEAKER_02 22:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:02

You know.

SPEAKER_02 22:03

Yeah. And and and so, okay, so now you're aware that these things happen and and and and that you overuse your your strengths, talents, gifts sometimes, maybe a lot of times.

Simple Scripts To Change The Pattern

SPEAKER_02 22:17

So so now what? What are some strategies that you can use to uh move from awareness to action, right? And and what Leslie just said is a is a um, you know, she just just described what she did to say to this problem solver person, um, I don't want you to solve the problem now. Well, that problem solver person who's now aware that their strengths are amazing, but they don't want to overuse them, they might say, Would you like me to help you solve this? Or do you want me to just listen?

unknown 22:52

Right?

SPEAKER_01 22:53

So that's response. That's how it is. It avoids conflict, we're both not feeling that we're being taken advantage, or whatever. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:02

Or you're not making him feel bad for calling him out, you know, on this thing. Um, so so there are that that is just a little change that you can make. Right? It doesn't change you. You're not dimming your light, you're not doing any of that stuff.

SPEAKER_01 23:17

And it doesn't mean I can't go to him later for solutions.

SPEAKER_02 23:22

I need you right now. Fix this for me. Exactly. Exactly. It's it's just this um in the moment, being aware, especially, okay, am I am I kind of stressed out right now? Am I just sprinkling my my um my my gifts too too much, right? And to just kind of check yourself on it. That's that's that's really that's really all it it takes most of the time to um to manage that.

SPEAKER_01 23:49

Here's another sign that this your um talent may be overused. The strength costs more than it returns. It costs more. Say more. I'll give you an example. Well, let me read what he says. Early on, perseverance paid out. High intensity intervals work because rest followed them. You push, you get results, you push, you get results. But then after a while, if you do an all-nighter, you have a bad work week. And what I find is like I come home in the evenings, and you know I'm often uh up after listen, it was about 9:30 at night. Um, and I said, um, all right, Mari, I'm getting ready. You know, I'll be going to bed in in in about a half hour. So he says, You got two hours. He said, You got two hours. And I'm laughing, I'm like, I'm gonna show him. Let me hurry up and get stuff done or whatever. I went to bed after 1 a.m. So he was off with the two hours. He said, You got two hours. And and obviously, you know, going into work, I don't remember what my schedule was the next day, but going into work, I can't be at my best if I haven't gotten um enough sleep. And we need to do a whole segment on sleep and the benefits and what happens at while we're sleeping, but we'll we'll talk about that later. But sleep is so, so vitally important. And it's not just for people who are tired.

SPEAKER_03 25:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:25

You know? Yeah. So many physiologic things happen while you're asleep.

SPEAKER_02 25:30

Because sleep is a replenishing, like your body is actually in a mood. It's doing something. It's doing something. It's not just so it's not just your eyes are closing.

SPEAKER_01 25:41

So when it costs you to have a lousy week, or you know, um you're tired at work, or you're not presenting your best self, or you become a little scrambled or foggy, you know, this all night I can do it, I can finish. One more thing, one more thing, may not be such a great thing. Here's another sign three. People name the problem before you do. Oh.

SPEAKER_02 26:08

I just remembered that sign up in your kitchen. I'm a bossy, I'm just helpful.

SPEAKER_01 26:15

It was a reason why I needed the sign. Wow. And when and when when Omari said, you do too much, I wasn't asking him. He wasn't part of it, he just overheard it. He you do too much.

SPEAKER_00 26:31

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01 26:32

You know, so when other people are noticing the pattern before you do, it might be time to bring awareness. And again, um, we are mentioning this because this is a problem of society. Yeah, you know, it's not just women, it's not just black women, it's not, it's people. We have these things, and who doesn't want to use things that are their talents and strengths over and over and over?

SPEAKER_02 26:59

Yeah, and and and you should, but not overusing them, right? So uh a kind of um tip here, like the one before about that small shift, this one is to resist becoming wrong and strong about it, right? When someone recognizes it, the shift is to not, well, um, or it was okay when I or you know, to to not dig dig in to self-protection or asserting your rights or those types of things. It's just, oh, I I see that I'm doing that now, right? And just make that adjustment. It it in that moment.

SPEAKER_01 27:45

This is really convicting me. Yeah. You know, because how I justify it, I say, well, if I don't do it, it doesn't get done.

unknown 27:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:55

How do you know? How do you how do you know?

SPEAKER_02 27:59

Give it a hand.

SPEAKER_01 28:01

And you know, I like to like like what I say to Ricardo is that, you know, he's retired. So I say, well, you don't understand because I don't have the time that you have. You know, my my time is more limited, so I have to do do do. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02 28:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:17

He's like, no, you don't. No, you don't.

SPEAKER_02 28:19

That's right.

SPEAKER_01 28:20

It's like he's like, there's nothing need to get done. Yeah. No, you don't. So sign four, that you're over you you might be overusing a talent when a quieter strength has gone silent. A quieter strength that you also have has gone silent. Wow. Overusing one strength does not just cost energy, it crowds out the others.

SPEAKER_02 28:46

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 28:48

When run when one trait runs every decision, the strengths that need slower conditions never get a turn. Wow. Yeah. When you lean on your strength all the time, sometimes you need to be quiet.

SPEAKER_03 29:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:05

You know, me, you guys can imagine, I can dominate a room with conversation and being loud and ah, and this and that or whatever. But I gotta give other people in the room a chance, a voice.

SPEAKER_03 29:17

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:18

You know? Yeah, that's true. I can uh I keep talking about Omari, you know, he is so unlike his mother, I would say he's an introvert. But I don't really know how he is around his friends. That's true.

SPEAKER_00 29:34

You know, he's an introvert because everyone in my circle is an introvert.

SPEAKER_01 29:42

Oh my gosh, I just thought of that. You know, it's it's it's that's really bad.

SPEAKER_02 29:52

Isn't it?

SPEAKER_01 29:54

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's another one that convicts me, and I'm sure that um people can relate to this. He says this the fifth sign that your um talents can be overused, rest feels like failure. Wow. If you don't take on those extra shifts and do do do and take up, you know, do the cases that other people don't want to do in my cases, and things like that, then the patients will, you know, suffer because of it, or I won't look like a team player, or I don't we won't get things done, or there's no, yeah, no, yeah. You know, it's it's I mean, I I know, I can say I'm speaking personally, that you know, I always say, I'll rest when I'm done. When have I been done? When's the last time I've been done?

SPEAKER_02 31:01

What does done even look like in your world?

SPEAKER_01 31:05

Rick said to me today, I wish I could be retired. The man's been retired for six years. He said to me, I can't wait till I'm retired.

unknown 31:23

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 31:25

We're renovating a house and decorating it. He got a to-do list. I've given him a to-do list. We're about to go to the to do list.

SPEAKER_02 31:35

Yeah. That part. It's to do when. I'm like, Leslie, doesn't he get the stuff done? Yeah, but it's I wanted him to do it on Sunday because I'm like, I wish he said, I wish I could be retired.

SPEAKER_01 31:51

So it's, I guess it's starting out as a joke, but you know, it's real. Yeah, it's real. Yeah. You know. For sure, for sure.

SPEAKER_02 31:59

Yeah.

When Strength Becomes An Excuse

SPEAKER_02 32:00

One of the um uh I have an ebook available which um gives this example. So you guys need to look in the description. There's a link to my ebook called Um, We're Too Old for This Shit. Um, and one of those things about your strengths that's adjacent to this is that sometimes we use our strengths as excuses for bad behavior, right? Um, and so it's like that's kind of the don't don't double down. It's bad behavior. And the example I give is um one of my ex-husbands um was a coach, an excellent coach, uh a basketball coach. And um so he could spot that 1%, 2% change that the player needed to make to go from good to great, right? And it was amazing the way that he got people who would maybe never even played the sport to get to be really good players. Well, bringing that strength home and making his wife feel like the 98% things that she did right had no value because the 2% things that needed work were the things that were focused on all the time, does not work well in a marriage, right? And so the excuse was, yeah, but you know how I am. That's what I feel how I am.

SPEAKER_01 33:30

I say, you know how I am, or it could be worse. I'm cooking this, you know, it could be worse.

SPEAKER_02 33:36

So that's my you know, uh no, no, no. Remember, I said ex, ex-husband, right? That does not work. And for you to double down and then it's like, yeah, but no, you're you're no, this is not what love looks like.

SPEAKER_01 33:55

But I was just gonna say, when people are saying this, like when my son says this or when my partner says this, you know, these are people that love me.

SPEAKER_02 34:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:07

You know, these are people that love me. And as much as I was at his bedside every day when he was hospitalized and all of this. And yet and still he's saying, I'm doing too much. For a disabled person to tell you you're doing too much.

SPEAKER_02 34:26

Boom. Of the of the few words that he was able to say.

SPEAKER_01 34:30

Oh my God, right before he went out. He said you were there, right? He said, Ma, you're doing too much. Like I think I was bathing him and I was like stretching his legs because he couldn't move. And Ma! Ma! He's doing too much.

SPEAKER_02 34:48

True words have never been spoken. True words have never been spoken.

Apologies Self Compassion And Small Repairs

SPEAKER_02 34:52

You know, I have to admit too the way that some of this stuff shows up for me because yes, I'm here, I'm in this beautiful place and all of that, but the last several months have been really um stressful. There's there's just been a lot going on, as you can imagine, moving to another country. And um of the kind of really almost simple decisions, I struggle with making those decisions, right? I mean, we're we're doing some decorating. How long it took me to, I still haven't decided which couches, what pillows to get for the couch. And it's not, it's not even about that. It's it's it's the the way that I am kind of combative in no, that doesn't work. Oh, or taking an hour to to to do things, to make these types of decisions. I know that that's me. I'm thinking about all the possibilities. Oh, we could look like this, oh, we could look like this. Oh, and it's just really hard and it's frustrating for your partner, you know, to be in that situation where, so I'm very aware of it because I've done a lot of work and I'm aware of it, but it's not always um easy to make the shift, but I'm very aware of it. So, what what's becoming easier for me is to apologize.

SPEAKER_01 36:08

I was just gonna think I was like, okay, I'm gonna go home tonight and I'm gonna apologize.

SPEAKER_02 36:13

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:14

I'm gonna let the man be retired.

unknown 36:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 36:18

That's that's another tip. First of all, say I'm sorry, you can be retired.

SPEAKER_01 36:27

Oh my god, I was just all right, I promise you guys, I'm gonna follow up with this in a couple weeks. I'm gonna come back because I'm convicted now. You know, I thought we were gonna be talking about these strengths. A couple of examples about me, but this wasn't gonna be the Leslie show.

SPEAKER_02 36:46

No, it wasn't. And it's not I'm a little embarrassed right now. It's like, jeez. Show it. Listen, you know how it is now that you're aware of it. And and this isn't new, you you you know. This ain't no, you've been telling me this. So it makes a lot of stress. So that's that's where it comes up. And you gotta kind of recognize and have some self-compassion here. You can do that, and yeah, you can you can say you're sorry, you can say, you know, just give some indication that you're aware and you're gonna be.

SPEAKER_01 37:19

But recognition is the start of transformation.

SPEAKER_03 37:24

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 37:24

It really is, it really is. And that's why I thought it's so important that we talk about it because we all struggle with this kind of stuff. And our partners, and and if we were to go home to our family and friends and say, you know, if there's one thing that could could stand for me to change, you know, what do you think it could be? You know, that type of thing. It would just, you know, I just want to know.

SPEAKER_03 37:50

Right.

SPEAKER_01 37:50

You know, let's be curious about it. I think we might be able to see some change, you know.

SPEAKER_02 37:55

Yeah, I think so. I think so. It's it's um it's it's I'm about to run out of boundary power.

SPEAKER_01 38:01

Oh, okay. So um please. That's a perfect time to stop. You see, the computer is saying, okay, enough of the Leslie show.

Praise Report And Closing Blessing

SPEAKER_01 38:10

Anyway, be blessed, folks, because let me just before I run out of um power, we were speaking about Omari a couple times. I was downstairs looking at I just had to give a praise report. It's his birthday, so happy birthday to my my son. I know where I was 38 years ago today. But um, I was downstairs looking at his custom-made wheelchair. And glory be to God that um he doesn't need it.

SPEAKER_03 38:39

Wow, thank you.

SPEAKER_01 38:40

You know, he's walking without uh without a walker, without a cane now. He has no need for the wheelchair. Thank you. And um I just thank you, Lord, my prayers are answered on a regular. So I want to close and say, um, this has been another episode of Black Boomer Bessies from Brooklyn. And um Yeah, hallelujah. Can I say Brooklyn? All right, bye guys.