Ghost Bust Your Love Life

Are you haunted by a lost love, and feel creeped out by the prospect of dating again? 👻💔

Then today is the PERFECT time to ghostbust these specters of doom, and banish those skeletons from your (emotional) closet! 🕸🧹

Because whether you still love him or hate him, the 'ghosts of relationships past' can definitely leave their mark, and make it difficult to move on and start dating  again!

Flirt Fact: Being INCOMPLETE and unresolved about a core romantic relationship is the single biggest reason that most single women, stay single. Millions of women shut down and retract from dating after being hurt, disappointed, or rejected. It can feel like your love life has been 'hexed' and you can't break the spell.

And why shouldn't it?

Getting hurt or rejected is PAINFUL.

And when you get hurt too deeply enough or too often, it can make you want to stop playing.

This state of affairs can keep you out of the dating field – for YEARS. 

I call this state of affairs being "Romantically Hexed" and it's not an overstatement. Unresolved relationships can definitely make you feel like you are what one of my clients called "Being Cursed by Cupid."
 
If you're hexed by an ex, this podcast will help you clear out the cobwebs! 💋👻🕸🧹

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Transcript

Speaker 0:10

That just made me happy. The first thing I want to do is I'm going to unmute everybody and just say hi. Hi. Hi, everyone from the story. Okay, fantastic. So, ladybugs, it is spring, and it's time to ghost butt your love life. And thank you so much for joining me on this Unhack Your Heart Telecall. And I'm Lauren Frances and your love coach. And we are going to talk tonight about really one of the most important topics that I often talk about with my clients, the women who kind of seek me out from around the world and want to restart their love life and they just kind of can't seem to figure out why things aren't working. And it's usually because there is a love phantom or you know, feeling like they've been cursed by love. There's like a dark little cloud over their love lives that they just don't seem to be able to dispel. So if you've been trying to find love, but you've been feeling mysteriously cursed by Cupid, as one of my clients, Shannon, once said, She is now married, thank God, but or like there's a dark little cloud over your love life, this call is going to hopefully help, you know, exercise that kind of feeling from you and have the sun break through the dark cloud. Okay, so if you have been dating with a vengeance that you've been getting very unromantic results, because some women kind of go out there and they date and they date and they date, but it's still not working, or if you feel so turned off by the prospect of getting back out there that you've become what I call a modern day sleeping beauty or snow white and you've just thrown all of your energy into spinning flacks and answering emails and sending faxes and a little man-free work tower, right? Those are the alpha girls that become what my mother calls the corporate nuns. You know, they just retract from dating and just throw themselves into their work. And if you're dreaming that a lost love is going to just kind of snap out of it and come back and rescue you from a life of tedious internet dating, actually this is reminding me very much of the Deborah Winger movie, an officer and a gentleman, right? She was there, I don't know what the heck she was doing. She was kind of putting bolts on something in a factory, and he just kind of walks in and grabs her off of the assembly line, you know, and everybody's like, woo-hoo. I think that that's how a lot of women who are really working in a hardcore way and not focusing on their love lives are feeling that some prince is going to come rushing in and save you from a life of intense boredom. There's often a culprit, okay, there's often a reason for this. Now, one of the things that I do talk about in my book, Dating, Mating, and Manhandling, is what I call grim fairy tales, where you know Snow White bites an apple and goes into a coma, and sleeping beauty pricks her finger on the spindle and goes into a coma. And in both of those stories, really all that has to happen is she looks gorgeous when she's in a coma and a man's going to come and rescue her and kiss her back to life, right? So that's like our romantic archetype. That's our programming, that's how we're conditioned to be. However, grown-up women, you know, often do know that they go out there and they create these amazing love lives, right? And sometimes, you know, there's a culprit of women kind of feeling of retracting from dating or really kind of withering on the line and not putting themselves out there. And this call is really interesting because as we started preparing for it, I thought, oh, this is literally an entire course. And the truth is it is I actually did create something called Legendary Love, which is a podcast program. But, you know, there's many facets of this question and this problem. So the topic that I'm raising is really very deep discussion into what short circuits women from creating romantic relationships. And as a love coach, what people do is they call me and they set up consultations often with me, and we talk about what's kind of not working. And it often comes down to one of two things. And one is that there is a character in their mind, it's like a kind of love phantom, and he's often the one that's gotten away, he's the guy that totally broke her heart, and or he's the person who has really caused some incredible trauma or damage that you can't manage to get over. So either he's really wonderful, he's a superhero, he's the white knight that kind of ran off with somebody else, or he's really like Darth Vader, who really destroyed and dashed, you know, your dreams and broke your heart. And everybody's got one. Everybody's got either a skeleton in the closet or, you know, a love that they're kind of, you know, leaving a little candle in the window for. And I don't know if you remember that movie Cold Mountain, you know, where she was just waiting for him to come back to war and she was pining and pining and pining for him. You know, these two dynamics of really being so angry and filled with kind of bitterness and anger towards an ex, or this feeling that you had this beautiful love and it slipped through your fingers and you're full of loss and regret, it's the most painful form of a kind of haunting in a certain way that can happen to a person. Because it both of those dynamics, either the man being in the hero suit and being this kind of wonderful dream that's now gone, can leave a woman sitting, you know, sitting alone waiting for you. It's like Laura in the Glass Menagerie. So this is really the fodder of romantic love stories and romantic comedies and terrible tragedies. So if this feels like you, you're in really good company with every passionate person that's ever existed since the beginning of time. So we're going to talk about this. So whether you still love this man or if you hate him, these core key relationships often leave their mark on a woman, and they can leave you feeling either deeply disappointed, discouraged, and despondent about creating new love relationships. And as I've kind of wrote to you in the little invitation for this call, it's as if you've bitten a bad apple and are now in a romantic deep sleep. Okay, and here is a gal fact. Being incomplete with a core relationship is the number one reason that most single women stay single. And this core wounding, I call it the heart wounds, can come not only from a lover, from an ex-boyfriend or a husband, but they can also be caused by problematic relationships with either one or both of your parents. And often, if you've had really problematic relationships with romantic partners, there is often a heart wounding that's happened in childhood to some degree. Not always, but sometimes. So as you listen to the call, I'm going to give you some things to do that you can also apply to if you've had a difficult relationship with your mother or your father. Okay, so here we go. When there is a wounding, right? When there is a heart wound that happens with a woman, and that can happen because she's been left, because she's lost love, because someone's come in and really hurt her. You know, perhaps you've been cheated on, you know, abandoned, he took all of your money, you felt used and thrown away, right? What happens is if you don't resolve these wounds, they fester. And women do one of two things. They either go out and create romantic relationships that are exactly the same, like the wounding relationships, and I'm going to explain to you why in a minute, or they can make you completely stop and pull yourself off of the market. Now, when women get divorced, many women just kind of pull back and they stop, or when women have really serious breakups, they often stop and pull back. It's interesting. Men often go right back out there, but women don't. They tend to kind of lick their wounds and really pull back because they don't want to get hurt again. The result of either of these dynamics, which are the opposite sides of the coin in a way, one you're either in longing, the other one you're hating, right? Creates a fear-based kind of thinking about love. And as I said, it can make you retract or recreate these unworkable dating dynamics with brand new partners over and over again. And kind of leave you in a state of suspended animation and or somehow waiting for someone or something to kind of come back in and bring you back to life. So as I promised you, we were going to give you a little spring cleaning, and I am here and I'm bringing a dustbuster, and that is what we're going to do on the call tonight. So in order to ghostbuster love life, and because it's spring, and because it's time to get your landing strip free and clear for romance, what I want to do is I want to tell you two things. And the first thing that I want to tell you is that in a heart wounding situation, when you've been hurt, you know, for whatever the reason, if you are not, and this is like a total nugget of gold, and I was going to share it at the end of the call, but I'm going to share it now, and you're going to get a lot of ugly yummy information. But if you are not, is when women are not willing to be disappointed by love, which is why we stop playing the game, when you're not willing to be disappointed by love, you do stop playing the game. So if you're willing to fall madly in love again, you need to be willing to be disappointed. It's just that your vision of love and your stand for love has to be bigger than your fear and your disappointment. And that can be a really tall order. And unless you do some of these kind of unheart hexing actions, you may never get to a place where you feel brave enough to go out there and risk being truly vulnerable again. Okay? So on this call, what we're going to do is we're going to give you some very specific things to do that will hopefully really seriously help reduce your fear and reduce your hurt and give you some solutions about how to move forward. And then I did also say that I was going to share with you how to tell if an ex from your past could possibly come back. It's what I call resurrecting the pterodactyl. In my book, Dating, Mating, and Manhandling, I compare them into birds because they're easily startled by fast moves. They come and go of their own volition, and they like to build a nest around you. And it's a very fun analogy. But also, scientifically, the closest partnership paradigm to humans are birds, in fact, and not primates, not apes and monkeys, but are fine feathered friends. Many birds are monogamous, and many birds are not. They're real litharios, real womanizing birds that actually will often have multiple ladybirds, and they have they're called adulterous males, and these adulterous males, they make sure that to build the affairs nest far enough away from ladybird number one because she will often fly into his nest and kill all of the eggs. So there we go, and I'm that some of us can relate to that. Okay, so in my book, Dating, Mating, and Manhandling, I do talk about the pterodactyl. So that's the first thing that we're going to talk about tonight. The pterodactyl is an extinct lover. He's the one that you're convinced was really the one, and the problem is that he's either left you or died, or you stupidly broke up with him for reasons that now in hindsight seem completely ridiculous. And although you're no longer together in this dimension, you can't quite manage to break up with him in your mind. Okay? You know, these women, they're really like tormented by this idea that somehow they screwed everything up. You could have been with him and just decided that he wasn't hot enough. This also happens with a lot of women who, you know, kind of keep blowing men off and then all of a sudden they look back at a string of all the people that they could have had and they're like, what was I thinking? These are my five alarm fire women who are, you know, between 38 and 42 and just blew everybody off because I literally had a friend who she wasn't a client, she was a friend who didn't marry the love of her life because he wasn't blonde. Ugh. She decided she wanted blonde babies, and she never married this man, and she is now with someone else and married, but he was really the love of her life, and it was really devastating for her when she looked back and realized it was such a silly thing. So this man, this the one that was it, you know, that you had that you lost, maybe it was just the most awesome awesome sex of your life. Maybe, you know, for some he could have even just broken up with you and been bad guy, but you still want him anyway. This this pterodactyl, which is an extinct leverage, you know, a dinosaur bird from days of your, if you don't know what a pterodactyl is, prevents women from being with living, giving, and available men. It's a long shadow that he's casting over your love life. And rather than risk another possible heartbreak, you know, and this is how you can tell if you're living with him, you'll have either stopped dating altogether, or women become very critical of new suitors. So you'll see nothing but a man's flaws. You'll silently measure him up against what could now be what I call like a holy grail like obsession with that with how perfect your last boyfriend was. And in a really honest moment, you may admit that the only reason when I really kind of drill down with women, you know, really was he that great? Sometimes it's really just because he's not here. It was this can also be the last time you had really amazing sex with somebody. It's kind of like a romantic placeholder. And you never kind and until you bring somebody in that's new again, this is your go-to person. This is the person in your mind that you'll go, ugh, I wish I could have him back. Right? But the truth is, is that if we really revisited the reason why, you know, let's say you broke up with him, or even he broke up with you, because men will often break up with women if they don't feel like they're really filling your bill, if you've been overly critical of them while you were with them. You know, men really like to feel like they can win at relationships. And so, truthfully, you know, it might just be that he's not here and he can't annoy you in the way that real mortals will, and he's not leaving his filthy gym socks on your white duvet cover or annoying you in a myriad of ways because he's literally not with you. He's remarried or he's moved to France or both. So if you thought about it really hard, you might even remember why you broke up in the first place. And it could probably be because you had some fatal deal-breaking flaw that you couldn't really manage to live with no matter how hard you tried. And the gal that was upset about the man that didn't have blonde hair, truthfully, she was supporting him. So that was a big issue for her family. In reality, she had the money and he was a fantastic artist, and she could have supported him, but her mindset at that time didn't allow for that option or that possibility. So there was a real deal-breaking flaw disguised in the fact that he was a brunette. Okay, so I want to give you some clues that you might be living with a pterodactyl. You are still wearing his t-shirt to bed. Now, I'm not kidding, I had a client who couldn't get over her last boyfriend, couldn't really move on, and I asked her, Well, what are the things that you're doing? You know, do you have any contact with him in the day-to-day? She was like, Well, no, but she said, I am wearing his t-shirt to bed. And I was like, Okay, that's gotta stop. Another clue is that every man pales in comparison with him because he's your now gold standard for love. So this can also happen when you've been with somebody who's, let's say, very wealthy or extremely well hung, or was really fantastic in some way that you value. And nobody else quite measures up because you're holding them to that level. Now, this can also happen if you had a dad who was really awesome. Nobody measures up to dad, okay? Or like a brother who's so awesome. This is kind of a joke. When you spend quality time with your vibrator, his name usually comes up. That can happen. That's a clue. The phrase, get back out there, Barb, makes you want to throw up in your mouth. That's another clue. Or you fear that close friends are now so tired of hearing about how sad you are about him that they are now screening your calls. That can happen too. Your friends can get really, you know, burnt out on supporting you and kind of this obsessive, that also is usually a symptom that there's some kind of obsession that's going on. You just can't get over it. If you've been broken up for more than six months and it was a major relationship and you just still are heartbroken, that's another clue. I had a client who was once wearing his engagement ring literally on her other hand, or she'd now moved it to a necklace that was strung around her neck. I can't tell you how many women have come to me with that. And that is very serious. So here's the thing is that pterodactyls are hanging about because you haven't properly worn their passing. Now, here's the thing is that in modern times, if you're a woman who gets divorced, everybody knows that they're supposed to feel sorry for you. People do rally around divorcees. However, there is a huge population of people who are dating and who also break up. And these are serious long-term relationships, major commitments, but they didn't result in marriage. And these women are as devastated as divorcees, or even more so because they don't have alimony. They didn't necessarily have children, and really all they have are broken hearts. And so it's very hard to create emotional containment around these breakups because they're not taking quote unquote as seriously. And I don't know if you remember that Sex in the City episode with Sarah Jessica Parker where she was going to all of these weddings and all these baby showers and all these bridal showers, and she was like, I want somebody to throw an I'm single party and get all the shoes that she could possibly want. So this is really true also for women who break up, is that it's very hard to kind of get a formal kind of comforting. So this is one of the reasons why women get incomplete with romantic relationships, especially if you weren't married and you got your heart broken. So pterodactyls will hang about because they're not properly warned, and they are the common sightings in the lives of many lovely, lonely women. And if your heart is being obscured by a patch relationship, I'm going to give you some very effective things that you can do to walk you back into present time. Okay, and that's what we're going to do right now. So I'm going to teach you right now how to exercise a pterodactyl. Here's a tip. Number one, I want you to stop having long conversations with people who aren't in the room with you. Okay? So the truth is that part of what happens with the brain and the neurochemistry of the brain, and they've discovered this, is that we create neural pathways in our mind. When you create habits over and over again, it's kind of like a little electrical system in your mind that fires off neurons in a particular pattern. And people literally can get addicted to certain states of consciousness like anger or fear or sadness. And certain thoughts create almost like obsessive loops. So what we want to do is we want to sort of cut off this obsessive thinking at the past. You want to head this off at the past. And, you know, basically, if you keep talking to ghosts, they will keep hanging about. So if you feel like you have been unable to get over a heartbreak, I am going to talk about how to resurrect the pterodactyl at the end and bring him back. But I'm just for the sake of this part of our conversation, I'm going to assume that the relationship you understand that, you know, he has moved on, he's moved to France, he's with another relationship, and it is really over, and you actually do need to move on. Like you're clear that, okay, this relationship is done, and if I'm ever going to find love again, I need to let go of this. And it is a fact, you know, that nature and God are like a border vacuum. So, you know, if when things are open, this is why you want to have a heart healing and you want to be open and vulnerable for love, and this is why I'm so interested in dust busting, ghost busting your love life, because if somebody is still in your heart and you can't let them go and create space to allow love to come in, it's going to be very hard for you to find love and happiness again. Okay, so if you've been single and if you haven't been dating and you're on this call, if you haven't been dating for six months, or if you literally have been out of the dating game and not thought about it, or if you've been kind of dating but you just hate it, so you start and then you stop and you just kind of completely give up, this is what I'm talking about. This call is for you. Okay, so there's a couple of things that we're going to need to do. The first is that we're going to stop thinking about him in your mind. So the moment that you start thinking about this past love and kind of going over and over it again or wanting to talk about it with your girlfriends. Like if it's really over and it's been six months or more, a good thing to do is to kind of starve the pterodactyl. You want to stop feeding this kind of energy. And you are not going to be free of this lost love until you can accept the cold hard fact that it's over. Now a lot of times when women break up, they don't want to stay broken up, which is, you know, I call it my relationship recidivist. They want to go back to the scene of the crime. And this is because most women are true romantics. We have an aversion to an unhappy ending. And this state of affairs, which is very sad, often occurs when you don't close the book on a dead end relationship and refuse to write the end because you don't like how the story turned out. This is the woman who really is sitting in hoping he'll come back and can't accept the fact that it's over. So she keeps kind of waiting and she doesn't move her love life forward. Okay? And the problem is that this kind of hope is like watering the leaves that have fallen off trees, right? This can also happen if you're someone who breaks up and then you get back together and then you break up all over again. But you never quite energetically close the door on this relationship. So if you're one of the women that can't break it off, let's say even if it's gone, you just still keep thinking about them in your mind, we're going to throw the book at it and get closure and this is how we're going to do it. I want you to get out a white flag and surrender. And there's no reason to give this kind of relationship right now any more of your valuable time and energy. And I want you to make a commitment to creating a new man plan. And that's why God made me because I'm really effective at giving women very proactive steps about how to create a new romantic destiny. And sometimes you might not feel like you're ready but if you dedicate yourself to a course of romantic action and walk through it. Sometimes I say to people, you know, I really I care about how you feel I'm just not that interested in it. What I'm interested in is what you're doing and not so much in how you're feeling about it. Because truthfully we can feel really bad or I'll speak for myself, I can feel really bad when I'm doing really good things like going to the gym and eating healthfully and turning down dessert. And sometimes I can feel very good doing very naughty things. So my feeling barometer is not the biggest determiner of my success as a person in this world. The biggest barometer for a woman's success are the actions that she takes in spite of her feelings. So the people who are the most successful in the world are the people who literally kind of get a grip and just make a decision to kind of literally move in the direction of their dreams. And as I said at the beginning of the call, if you're not willing to be disappointed, right, if you don't have a a dream that's bigger than your disappointment was, right? It's going to be very hard to move through it. And and truthfully a big part of the reason that you can't do that most of the time is because you haven't mourned the relationship enough. So we're going to talk about going into some mourning and this believe it or not is a way of ghostbusting your love life. Now here's the truth about mourning. Everybody looks great in black. I once had a client she couldn't get over an ex-boyfriend and her friends were kind of sick of it. Nobody really took it that seriously she was even told by her mother, well it's not like you were married or anything and you know I wish you'd had a baby right? So I said to her, you know what, I actually want you to give yourself a period of mourning. I want you to do it consciously and I want you to do it on purpose. So if you have literally been heart sick and you haven't been able to move on, I want you to prescribe a period of mourning where you're going to really grieve your relationship. You can give yourself 30 days you can pick the period of time but I want you to literally think about number one wearing black in days of your and in certain cultures they wear black armbands to say or black ribbon to signify the fact that they're in mourning they stop doing things like dancing like literally you can just go okay I'm going into mourning I'm going to grieve this relationship. And I know that this sounds a little extreme but even if you decide to do it for a weekend or a day giving yourself the gift of having what I call staging a relationship funeral is a very powerful thing. And in our culture it's very you know these rituals of these rites of passage you know there was a time you know and in certain cultures where you know not so long ago if a man died the woman was sent out to sea on a pyre and you know burned to death. Okay, women didn't survive the loss of love of men. They weren't allowed culturally to do so and it's very intense to think about that. You know in Egypt women you know the queens were entombed with their pharaohs. So the idea of surviving you know a major love and living on is a really psychologically difficult state to accomplish and it's important to do it. This is something that also shows up in you know divorcees. You know they have this big romantic failure and I know very few divorce that don't look on divorce as a failure because you stand up there in front of God and everyone and you promise to love somebody till death do you part and then you don't keep that promise. Well psychologically if you don't really complete that divorce you know and and I have a dear friend Catherine Woodward Thomas who's writing a book called Conscious Uncoupling where you know to get through and complete a relationship which had so much meaning and is now no longer, you know, you're losing not only the person but you're losing your memories you're you losing all of those inside jokes you're losing history and the reality is that's that's a big thing. So I'm going to suggest you get a little ribbon and pick a little period of time to go, okay, I'm in mourning and I'm going to actually literally just grieve. And if people ask you why you're in black or what the ribbon is about, you can just say you know I'm actually grieving the loss of a loved one. And if they say who you can say my ex. And they can say oh how did he die? And you could say if he literally died you could say he passed. Or you could say you know it's actually an emotional death. I'm just kind of doing my you know I'm having my little process of saying goodbye. And they will get it. Now I always say don't miss an opportunity to cry in restaurants and send your food back. This is the perfect opportunity. And I always say weep to win so it's really a wonderful opportunity to let yourself have your feelings. And also I suggest that you do what I call staging a little relationship funeral and this is where you can get together for an evening with your girlfriends and you can talk about all of the things that you miss about the relationship and all of the ways that it was special to you and the ways that you felt loved or you can also share the ways that you felt you've been you know the losses that have been incurred as a result of that relationship and then you can all say a little prayer ashes to ashes, death to death and now the relationship's over, you know, you can go and drink a mojito and have like a little cocktail. And your friends can also share about the relationship and how they felt about him in your life just so that you have some closure. And as like at a funeral people stand and they testify and they talk about the departed. Your friends can talk about either what a jackass he was or you know what they cared about and thought about you know him. And there can be a way of and you can kind of script it and create a little I know that this is sounding kind of wild for you and if you're just kind of rolling your eyes I did a spot on the Ricky Lake show where we did stage a relationship funeral and the woman literally had you know we burned her wedding dress in the backyard and she felt so free and we kind of romantically feng shui her home because the next thing that I want you to do is what I call dismantling the shrine. And this is like taking down a little Berlin wall to love and women often you know when I work with them and they can't move on I ask them well what does your home look like? Do you still have mementos and literally I've had women who have got honeymoon pictures all over their house or vacation photos with their exes. Okay? So I want you to scour through your house and I want you to put away all photos or significant little mementos of him until you get over the hump and are merrily dating again. And I often say that shoe boxes tucked away in dark corners are the perfect resting place for love items, but do not put them under your bed. There is an energetic about being under your bed that I don't like I actually had a woman get a new mattress because you know she wanted a fresh start and clean sheets. Do not wear the earrings he gave you for Christmas. You can stop wearing his football jersey to bed and do away with any little stuffed animals that he gave you that are hanging about but don't give away actual pets unless you don't like them. Or are allergic to them or were only putting up with them because you were being a really good sport. Okay. So here is another man handling maneuver and I talked about this before which was restraining yourself from talking about him repeatedly especially when you're out on dates people. Okay I cannot tell you how many women feel compelled to talk about their exes and if you've gone out on a lot of first dates on match.com or anywhere for that matter you'll notice that your dates might be talking about their exes. This is something I don't want you to fall into the trap of doing. I don't want you to discourage men from talking about their exes, however, because this often can give you clues about how he'll be talking about you when you break up with him. You know some people's romantic programming is uh moving in the same direction repeatedly, you know, which is south so I want you to kind of listen to where he's you know what he's got to say. But I don't want you to kind of keep talking about your ex. Because the reality is that if you did stop talking about him, if you did stop thinking about him, if you really took action to kind of point your stilettos in a new direction, you'd probably have a lot more time. Okay? And you'd probably need to get into a lot more acting. So I talked about staging a relationship funeral. I also talked about a little bonfire therapy which is you can actually burn love tainted items. That can be very freeing you can do that when you're having a relationship funeral with your girlfriends. And here are some helpful thoughts for my book actually if you were such a fabulous guy you'd still be with him in all likelihood. And if it's making you feel this bad he's probably not the one. Here's another thought is their rejection is God's protection. And often when women are torturing themselves about how they blew it. The truth is you can't really do the wrong thing in the right relationship. You can't really do anything right with a wrong guy and with a right guy you can't really do much of anything wrong. So funny I had a client who really was extremely high maintenance and she was like she really was I was like whoa it's going to be really hard for her you know she's very fussy she was very picky she was super high maintenance she had a little a little ADD and a little O C D and it was really very intense and she wound up meeting somebody and even her brother and her father warned him and said, whoa, she's like a lot to handle and he said to her you know after they've been together about two months he said you know you're really not as difficult as you think he was really capable of handling her package. He was capable of part she wasn't too much for him. Okay? So the right guys really, you know, in my coaching I see women you know we launched them online I do these man magnet makeovers which I hope that I can work with you all one day in a more personal way. But you know when you really find the right person, when you really come from a point of your heart wound being healed and not from living in your wounds, what happens is you pull people in who don't keep ripping the emotional scab off of your heart. You know they don't it doesn't create more rewounding and it creates a dynamic where it's not difficult to create relationships, it's not difficult to maintain attraction it's not hard to create love. And in fact you are magnetically attractive to somebody who can really satisfy you and who you can really satisfy. And I actually am going to take a little moment and just share with you that in your inbox I sent you an invitation to get something I'm doing a Legendary Love weekend workshop in not this weekend but next weekend. So if you can make it to LA we have literally four spots left and it's going to be at the Roosevelt hotel. What we do is we really do a deep dive and we really define what your core heart wounds are and this can be from your childhood where you know you had a wounding to your romantic persona and your self-esteem by either a very critical mother, a difficult father, maybe there's alcoholism, maybe there's trauma in the family, or there was trauma in a core adult relationship and what that does, that heart wound, that painful heart wound causes women to try to solve their problem in an unconscious way through what I call unconscious wish fulfillment. And I say that everyone's always looking for a different ending to their childhood story. Now this is like a deep serious truth which is underneath you know being having your heart hexed this is actually what causes the hexing is that when we have these major heart wounds, what it will cause you to do is to go out into the world and try to find someone just like the person that broke your heart even if he doesn't appear to be that same person on the outside it's just like as a client said, you know, the same guy but he was wearing different shoes. He had a different haircut but it was the same partnership dynamic. And with this same exact kind of guy try to get a completely different romantic result. And this is like saying you know hoping that you know that you can magically change the ending of your childhood story. But the problem is your childhood story or your heart wound story only has one ending. So if you had an awesome childhood, you're set up to have really awesome relationships. But even women that uh and men that have fantastic relationships with their parents can have a very wounding relationship in a marriage. And so oftentimes what will happen is people will try to find that same difficult dynamic. So if your father you know for example is an alcoholic you might go out there and date people that are workaholics, shopaholics, alcoholics themselves, sexaholics, and try to get their full attention and if only you could get that guy and these are the women that I find are strung out on longing. You know if you've been abandoned and rejected you find someone who abandons and rejects you and then you wait in more you stay in a state of mourning for this particular person. And if only you can get them and this is like this is why I'm confused about the Scarlett O'Hara story because truthfully she was wildly loved. In her case she just couldn't believe she couldn't get everything she wanted I think that's what Margaret Mitchell was trying to say and she just couldn't get over the fact that Ashley actually rejected her. So that was her heart wound. It was a narcissistic heart wound she couldn't get over it. So basically what we want to do is we want to really acknowledge what the wound is and then we really want to go for a romantic solution. And so in Legendary Love and the little invitation that you got and these podcasts create what I call a definition of your heart wound and what I call the elixir of love, what the antidote, what your specific romantic antidote is to your heart wound because the truth is you can't solve the problem with the problem you need to go outside of the system completely just to really have a healing. And that's what I call the legendary love dynamic. Okay so it's a 180 degree difference from what actually created the wounding. Not like an incremental difference not like oh it's 20% better because that small incremental change will just kind of rip the scab off of your heart again and it won't really satisfy. So when you have a completely different romantic paradigm you have a total total paradigm shift that's when relationships become very easy to maintain and where your partner becomes like what I call a self-walking dog. So it's very, very relaxing to be with men who don't take a lot of management, who know what they're supposed to do, who naturally satisfy you and my goal is you know when I work with women in one-on-one, this is what happens to them. So you know one of the final keys for unhexing your heart literally is praying I call it pray for the bastard you know and I don't know why this works. It just does and if you you know even if you don't believe in prayer this is there's a multipurpose prayer which is really helpful and if you go dear Lord please let him get exactly what he deserves you know you just pray. But sometimes when you really pray for the well being of somebody else, right? And you know I am not talking about like this praying in a churchy kind of way, but literally just if you work with the energy of the universe and just kind of energetically wish someone well and you kind of just send them just kind of this vibe or just go, okay, I wish you well you are you know tortured soul or you know thank you for having loved me in the way that you love me or you know if you can just get yourself into a psychic space where you can energetically throw some positive energy away unless you're this this is really good if you're really angry about somebody. Don't do this if you're obsessed and you want him back. If you're angry now I will tell you also that being angry with somebody which is the other side of the coin this is the you know I talked about the Darth Vader kind of guy not the romantic Prince Charming kind of guy that got away you know hate is often the last emotion left in a relationship. When people have stopped hating their partner they're really done. If you're in a divorce and you're still really angry it's a way of holding on. That's why it's very difficult when people are splitting custody because you have to keep seeing the person. So it's very important to resolve feelings of anger towards exes. And all of these keys, this is why I said as I kind of headed into our call tonight, I really was like, oh this is such an intensely rich topic and I've touched on a bunch of core ideas and concepts so I'm going to give you some tools now. I mean I'm gonna recap some of the tools that we talked about. So the fact is that when you're incomplete with a core relationship, right, whether you're still in love with him or whether you now hate him because he ruined your life in your mind, what we need to do is we need to shut the door on that relationship and resolve either those feelings of love and longing love and longing keep women strung out in hope or in rage and disappointment and fear and that keeps women shut down from trying to move on with their love lives and opening their hearts up again. So those are the two big problems. And I want you to make a decision to something that I don't think that I covered which I think is very important to do which is to write an amnesia list. Now if you are still in love and you can't let go, I want you all to write an amnesia list. And you can even if you would like I'm going to invite you to send me in your amnesia lists you know and you can write Cupid's inbox and I'll send this to Cupid and this is how it goes okay I want you to get out your white flag and surrender by doing the following I want you to in a moment private moment I want you to shut a door I want you to light a candle and I want you to make what I call a little revulsion amulet and it's going to keep your seductive Romeo, right, you know your romantic vampire at bay. And you're going to write what I call the amnesia list. So to dispel an unwanted visitation I want you to write a list of every single irritating and negative thing that you can remember about your ex. These are for women who are beating themselves up because he's lost. These are women who you know you dated him a couple of times or you dated him for a couple of months and you just can't get over him. I want you to write a list of every single irritating thing you can remember about him and I want you to make sure to write down everything from terrible character floss like when you met his ex and he forgot to introduce you to bad habits like he liked to floss and talk. I had a boyfriend that actually did that once it was really still to this day I'm like you can expand this list to include pros and cons of the relationship but in truth you're going to be better served by a list of solid negatives. And here's an example amnesia list and yes some of these are from my own personal list. Okay. One, he could pronounce the word But he had trouble defining it. Two. Foreplay consisted of ripping the foil on the condom package. Three, the answer to any relationship question was two weeks of a silent treatment. Another one had a tattoo on his hip that said, Trust no one. He always wore socks even if sometimes that was all he was wearing. He bought tires for your birthday, but that wasn't mine. That was a client's. And another client, uh, amnesia said that he thinks sneakers are shoes. I don't know why that bothered her so much, but it really was it was a problem. What I want you to do is keep your revulsion amulet with you at all times, no matter what, and you can never tell when a love phantom is gonna strike. That's when all of a sudden you're just in deep mourning. So better safe than sorry, as I say in France, it should fit nicely in your wallet or in the nightstand drawer. Anytime that you find yourself really starting to make out with him in your mind, I want you to take out your amnesia list and instead I want you to read it all the way through. And a really great thing to do is to read it aloud so that you can hear yourself. And you're gonna be able to remember the pain that he caused you. And if all goes well, you're going to be as appalled by his apparition. It's gonna be literally like aversion therapy as you would if you were bikini shopping under fluorescent lights at your local mall. Okay, so that is a really helpful thing to do because what happens is sometimes when you can't let go of somebody, it's because you're just remembering the good. So this is like doing a little negative catechism for the girls who can't get over and let go of love. And then for the girls that are really angry about their exes, what I'd like you to do is I'd like you to make a decision, number one, to take some actions around releasing yourself from your anger. And my legendary love program that's in your inboxes for both both types of women will help you define your core wound and come up with a legendary love dynamic and create a process for you. There's the eight podcasts where you can listen to them and they can really literally walk you through the process of getting focused on creating a new and amazing love and really creating a love that's appropriate for you at this time in your life, at this life stage, and one that can get you off of the loop and the cycle of heartbreak. Okay, and truthfully, you know, your romantic destiny is that I teach women how to be to become what I call self-defining in the area of personal love and personal relationships. And I don't want you defined by your wound. I want you defined by your joy. I want you to defined by your vision for love. I want you to really make a commitment and a decision to take a stand for a new kind of love. Sometimes what happens is we get so caught up in an old idea about what would make us happy that we can't really take stock at this time in our life and decide, okay, well what would make me happy? This is a woman who's been with, let's say, really wealthy, powerful men who neglected her or betrayed her, but didn't really step up and partner her emotionally. And because the man might not be, you know, as powerful in the world, she doesn't pay attention to the fact that he's really emotionally powerful. Or this might be a woman who I have a client who was always taking care of men, and the healing of her heart wound was really finding somebody who could nourish and nurture her. And that was her heart wound healing. So legendary love, the workshop that we're doing, and then also the podcast program, which you can do. And I'm gonna also make a little offer that if anyone who takes is a big offer and my system's gonna kill me. If you do buy legendary love, if you get the podcast in the next seventy-few hours, if you do your homework, if you really do all of your homework and send it in, I will review it and I will give you a little targeted feedback about your homework. And that is a big offer. Because I'm a busy gal and in private sessions I'm expensive. And I will also share with you that if you want to do a private consultation and love coaching, I do take on private clients and I don't really usually promote that, but if you're interested in getting a consultation with me, please email us and write mini consultation in the subject line or private coaching, and then we can send you a little questionnaire to see if you would be a good fit for what I do and or if there are other programs that might be suitable. And the last thing I'm going to share about what's coming up is we do have a Man Magnet makeover that is coming up on the 20th of June. This is kind of an epic program and it radically changes women's love lives and it gives them photographs and launches them online. If you are interested in the upcoming Man Magnet, please call me. This program is very transformational, but also it is good to speak with me about the program. And if you can't make them in June, we're gonna be doing another magnet and another legendary love workshop in August and also in September. And I am also gonna be launching some flirting in the field event. I'm gonna be launching a program called the Ring, which is gonna be a combination of a teleclass, which meets every other week with Q ⁇ A and it's going to give you a monthly man plan and live events. So if you're interested in the ring and it's gonna be very affordable, just email me I want the ring and we will send you more information about that. What I want to say is that if you would like to kind of create some accountability and you want to write Cupid's inbox in the subject line and write three things that you're willing to do to either let go of a lost love or move your love life forward, I will send that on to Cupid. And if you would like some support in knowing how to move your love life forward, please write me and write, please help in the subject line and describe your situation, and I will make sure that either my assistant or myself can give you some targeted suggestions about the best ways that we can help move your love life forward. And I am sending you a big virtual hug, and let's unmute everybody and just say a beautiful goodbye by saying onward ho. Hold on. Onward ho. Thanks for joining me. Thank you. Thank you.