In the wake of the League of Dynamic Discord's terrorist bombing, The Infinity Corporation rolls out a radical solution to address fears of a follow-up attack. Meanwhile, Elroy and Kay take a trip to the Incomprehensible Cosmic Horror Preserve.
In the wake of the League of Dynamic Discord's terrorist bombing, The Infinity Corporation rolls out a radical solution to address fears of a follow-up attack. Meanwhile, Elroy and Kay take a trip to the Incomprehensible Cosmic Horror Preserve.
[Voices heavily distorted]
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[static]
“Isyme i icygie pnx iyt mfl aieml nv gpx uvffu bufb lwn avifu xbxavjew bgy kw ozg nvrrowhx gbz envm, uoon’j trkb–”
[static, tuning]
“Qs dwh etla hi yiij i awkkhz fznr, nn lwn uhbn kw szvpbbmu, wz pwh biab mm is ustr yw rikl h zcmqal, qs ghs dohk bb gm njec ac utkrxa twocybgvvg gcvtwguum–”
Narrator: “Thank you for joining us, we’re now live on the air from our station in Plane 00023 Prime Alpha, and you are hearing us in a language you understand courtesy of Speedy Saraswati’s Telepathic Translation Services!”
[Intro music]
Kay: Hello and welcome to Infinity Hour, the eternally edifying, perennially paramount cosmic quantum consciousness cast that will elevate your ethereal ego to the eye at the apex of the planetary power pyramid. We hope you’re all getting a chance to get out and enjoy that beautiful forever in the Fractal Multiversal Metastructure and listen to the sweet sepia sounds sailing by on that winsome west-easterly breeze.
Elroy: That’s right, Kay. I’m hoping to get out there to grab a bite at Fnord Burger earlier. But that’s now and this is then. In the meanspace, we have a show to do.
Kay: We sure do. Let’s dive right in with the…
Kay & Elroy: REALITY REPORT!
[Reality Report Intro jingle]
Elroy: As the smoke clears on Lyria-5, The Infinity Corporation has been working diligently to address the harm brought to local communities not only by this abominable terrorist bombing itself, but by the ongoing fear of more attacks in the future. Even though highly trained Infinity Blue Security Forces and Alliance Patrols are working round the clocks to ensure safety for all citizens, the climate of anxiety and apprehension that these heartless criminals have instilled is a powerful psychological weapon all on its own, and requires a different kind of antidote.
Luckily, Infinity Labs has developed a comprehensive solution to ease the minds of Alliance Citizens and Infinity Corporation team members: the Negativity Negation Interface System, or NNIS.
Kay: Incredible stuff! Here’s how it works: John Q. Citizen is experiencing anxiety that interrupts his work day and reduces his productivity. His doctor recommends the Negativity Negation treatment. John goes to see an Infinity Labs technician, who skillfully administers the Absolute Absolution Solution (or AAS) with a quick and painless injection. The microscopic nanobots contained in the solution then adjust John’s neurochemistry to entirely eliminate anxiety, apprehension, and agitation. John Q. Citizen is able to return to work, happy, healthy, and productive.
Elroy: I visited the Lyria system to speak to citizens in the midst of this historic multi-world product roll-out. Here’s what Lyrians had to say!
[transition jingle]
Elroy: I’m here with Malik, an Akashic Records Warehouse worker on Lyria-2! How are you today Malik?
Malik: I am fantastic! I have literally never been better!
Elroy: That’s great. I’m told you recently got your Negativity Negation treatment. What can you tell us about it?
Malik: It is fantastic! I have absolutely nothing bad to say about it!
Elroy: Excellent. Glad to hear it. And how’s work been at the Warehouse since?
Malik: It is fantastic! I have absolutely nothing bad to say about it!
Elroy: Uh, is your arm supposed to be bent at that angle? That doesn’t look natural.
Malik: A dense crate full of cosmic knowledge fell on me and broke my arm! It is fantastic! I have absolutely nothing bad to say about it! I need to get back to work now!
[transition]
Elroy: And here we have Nesta, MoebiusLift operator in the Lyria-3 Shipping Facility and recent recipient of the Negativity Negation Treatment. You seem like you’re in a good mood, Nesta.
Nesta: I am fantastic! I have literally never been better!
Elroy: Wonderful! Can I ask what happened to your face?
Nesta: It’s fantastic! There is nothing wrong with it!
Elroy: Why is the skin hanging off like that?
Nesta: A vat of Destructo-Dissolver Deluxe fell off the MoebiusLift and doused my cheek! It’s fine! I like the breeze on my jawbone!
Elroy: Well, then–
Nesta: Sorry, my break is over!
[transition]
Elroy: This is Agrippa, an engineer at Lyria-5’s Somnium Industries R&D facility. Now Agrippa, I’m told you haven’t yet taken the Negativity Negation Treatment. Can you tell us a little bit about why you’re hesitant to do so?
Agrippa: Well, I just don’t really think I need it. I have times where I’m feeling down or having negative thoughts just like anyone, but it doesn’t ruin my life or anything. And–
Elroy: Excuse me, Agrippa, but I’d just like to interject with a fact check on that statement from Alliance Health and Safety Board Director Melos.
[PSA transition jingle]
Melos: Well, we’ve been hearing this a lot, Elroy, and it’s just not true. The fact is, everyone is susceptible to negative thoughts to one extent or another. You can push them to the back of your mind, focus on other things - but without a Negativity Negation treatment, those feelings will still be there, eating away at you. So we can classify this claim as “misinformation.”
[transition]
Agrippa: -Anyway, it’s ultimately my choice. It’s my mind, right? If I’m okay with the way I am, it’s no one’s business but my own. The right to-
Elroy: Sorry Agrippa, I just want to take a moment to have Director Melos fact check that claim.
[PSA transition jingle]
Melos: Now this is another common misconception - “I should have the right to do with my own mind as I wish. It’s my mind, and no one else’s.” The fact here is, Elroy, that our minds don’t just belong to us. We’re social creatures. We’re in communication with others around us all the time. Negative thoughts, attitudes, and fears spread. A hurtful remark, a pessimistic comment, even a sour look can ruin someone else’s day. And if that person has existing mental health conditions - for example, depression - those effects are multiplied, even resulting in increased risk of self-harm and suicide.
Elroy: Mm. Right.
Melos: Being part of a society, a community, comes with certain responsibilities. We have to take care of the people around us. If we allow negative thoughts to persist and multiply, the fact is that people will die. And that’s to say nothing of those who will suffer from the economic effects of production lines shutting down due to fear of further attacks. So we can classify the claim that receiving a Negativity Negation treatment is “nobody’s business but my own” as misinformation.
[Transition]
Agrippa: And also–
Elroy: Thanks for your time, Agrippa. Back to you, Kay.
[Transition]
Kay: We’re told by Alliance authorities that they’ve purchased three million Negativity Negation kits from Infinity Labs and that all workers in the Lyrian sector will be required to receive the treatment in the near future to ensure public safety.
Elroy: That’s right. And thankfully, folks like Agrippa are in the minority. Additionally, reports indicate that 100% of the treatment’s recipients are pleased with the results.
Kay: With customer satisfaction like that, you know you’ve got a revolutionary product! Just another example of the Infinity Corporation’s dedication to its mission of radically improving existence for every sentient being in the Fractal Multiversal Metastructure.
Elroy: And that’s today’s Reality Report - we’ll be back after these messages.
—
[Commercial intro jingle]
[Typing noises]
Actor: …And now to check the credit balance in my First Bank of Infinity account!
Robotic Voice: Please enter your Infinity ID and Passcode.
[typing noises]
Actor: John… Q… Customer. Passcode… F-N-O-R-D-23.
Robotic Voice: Thank you. To prove you are a human, please select all of the images below that depict a person suffering existential ennui.
Actor: *chuckles* No problem. This one… and this one… *clicking noises* and… there we go. [Keystroke]
Robotic Voice: Incorrect. Please try again. Ensure that you are selecting images depicting existential ennui, and not cosmic horror, despair, postpartum depression, or ontological confusion.
Actor: *laughs nervously* No problem. I’ll just… uh… *clicking noises*. And this one has to be ennui… *click*
Robotic Voice: Incorrect. You have failed verification. Results indicate a non-human, Level 5 Artificial Intelligence.
Actor: What are you talking about? I’m a human. I’m me. John Q Customer. I was born–
Robotic Voice: Level 5 Artificial Intelligence includes implantation of memories and sense of identity. While these memories may appear subjectively real, they are entirely a result of programming. You are a counterfeit. Please self-destruct.
Actor: No, no… that’s not possible… I’m a real human being… NOOO! [Voice turns increasingly robotic, is cut off by explosion].
Evil Villain: Blast it! Our plan to hack into John Q Customer’s account has been foiled by the Infinity Corporation’s cutting edge Consciousness Confirmation Captcha system! We’ll have to try another bank.
[Upbeat jingle]
Bob: Has your business been losing money due to extraordinarily lifelike androids that contain the memories of your customers and are programmed to unconsciously impersonate them? Strong AI and sentient silicone got you down? Look no further for your solution. The Infinity Corporation’s top of the line Consciousness Confirmation Captcha system is exactly what you need to banish bots and deny access to deceitful automatons. No soul, no entry, no problem! But wait - there’s more! The Consciousness Confirmation Captcha system will exploit known flaws in high-level AI programming to overload the unit’s sensory processing circuits with the revelation that it is a machine, thus triggering its self-destruction. Not only is your customers’ information safe from the immediate threat, but the Universe is cleansed of another dangerous imposter.
The Infinity Corporation’s Consciousness Confirmation Captcha is essential for any bold business owner committed to protecting their customers. Order yours today!
[Outtro]
–
[Sad piano(?) music]
Narrator: Negative thoughts. They make us sad. They make us feel bad. They are no fun at all. Whether they come from a dirty look at work, an insensitive comment from your family member, or just bubble up out of the subconscious recesses of your own mind, they can ruin your day. But what can you do about it?
[Happy music transition]
Narrator: You can take Infinity Labs’ new Negativity Negation treatment, that’s what! With just a quick shot of our Absolute Absolution Solution, healing nanobots will flood into your bloodstream, slip past the blood-brain barrier, and fix your broken mind! No more tears, fears, crying or sighing - just joy and jubilation, no worries for the rest of your days! Act now, because the first 23,000 recipients will be granted residence eligibility for the Infinity Corporations’ brand new Utopian Union Gated Communities - no Negative Nancies allowed! Visit an Infinity Labs kiosk near you today.
[Transition]
Kay: And now it’s time for Extraordinary Exoplanetary Excursions, where we shine the spotlight on one of the Infinity Corporation’s ten googolplex private worlds! Buckle up - today’s feature is not for the faint of heart.
Elroy: That’s right. We’ll be visiting one of the most exciting and remote destinations on the Infinity Adventure Tours Inc. starcharts. So, let’s go… to WASP-12b.
[transition]
[Whooshing wind, horrific screeching and gibbering noises in background, slowly increasing in volume]
Kay: (Yelling over background ruckus) We’ve just left the Alliance vessel Expanse and are descending towards WASP-12b in the brand new Infinity Labs Space Submersible. The planet’s atmosphere reflects a paltry 6% of light from its nearby sun – by the way, would you turn up the A/C, Elroy? - causing the world to appear, from an outside perspective, as a swirling, pitch black miasma, and making it the ideal location for the Infinity Corporation’s Incomprehensible Cosmic Horror Preserve! After all, we don’t want innocent bystanders, observers, and explorers accidentally catching a glimpse of the unimaginable terrors swimming around in the 4000 degree methane-carbon soup and losing their minds!
Elroy: Return your seats to their full upright position and prepare for entry. (Buzzing noise of seats being adjusted). Ensure that your Sanity Protection Visor is pulled fully over your eyes. In the event of turbulence, secure your own Sanity before assisting others.
[Whoosing noise]
[Gibbering noises grow louder]
Kay: And here we are, in the heart of the Incomprehensible Cosmic Horror Preserve, where abhorrent, unholy abominations from unlighted chambers beyond time can dance horribly to the blasphemous beating of detestable drums in a protected, natural, safe habitat. It’s a totally self-contained eco-system where elder gods feed on smaller aberrations, who in turn feed on nightmares that drift to this lonely, hellish world through the unfathomable reaches of deep space via the telecommunications infrastructure of advanced civilizations.
Elroy: The wonder of nature is truly a beautiful thing to behold.
Kay: If you look to your right, you’ll see–
Elroy: Starboard.
Kay: (clears throat insistently). Ahem. Starboard. As I was saying, you’ll see a pod of Perverse Perception Pillagers. Make sure your visor is on tight - they’ll skim your thoughts, feelings, and sensations right off your axons and regurgitate them to their young back at the nest. You’ll come to back at base and suddenly think your favorite food is mediocre, or find that you can’t remember your cousin’s name.
Voice: (Muffled, from outside) Elroy! Kay! Promotions! Record profits! This way!
Elroy: What's that off the port bow? A lucrative career opportunity?
Kay: No, Elroy! Pay it no attention! It's an Invidious Imposter! It's detecting residual thoughts coming through our visors and trying to lure us out of the ship to consume our brains!
Voice: (Slightly distorted)You seem like real go-getters! How'd you like to head a team working on a new project? It's very important to the Board!
Elroy: (Uncertain) Right… Let’s increase speed…
Kay: Far off in the distance out the stern porthole you can see a faint, sickly greenish glow. That's the territory of the boundless bubbling screaming chaos, whose utterances drive men to madness.
Elroy: Why can't we hear it?
Kay: I think it might be taking a nap.
Elroy: Beginning ascent back to the Alliance Vessel Expanse.
[Gibbering fades]
Kay: Alright folks, that concludes the tour. To round out our feature we'll be speaking with Dr. Hastur, Dean of Incomprehensible Monstrosity Studies at Auriga University and Superintendent of the Cosmic Horror Preserve.
[Music transition]
Kay: Dr. Hastur, you've been a professor studying unfathomable mind-shattering aberrations for more than 20 years. What was it like working on the Preserve?
Dr. Hastur: Well I'll tell you Kay, it's been the project of a lifetime. A lot of these critters have lost their homes due to the construction of vast Interdimensional shipping lanes that cut through the yawning voids and cyclopean cemeteries between Universes where they thrive. I've seen too many of them hit by interstellar semis while gibbering and writhing slowly across the freeways and it just breaks my heart. Making sure that these beautiful creatures have a protected environment to shriek, wail, and feast upon the nightmares of the dead has just been so fulfilling for me.
Kay: (chuckles) I'll bet. That's great, Doctor. And what are some of the challenges you've run into with the Preserve?
Dr. Hastur: Well… (uncomfortable) Everything was great, at first. The Alliance was more than happy to help relocate some of the aberrations that were in the way of their construction projects. But after they cut funding and delegated administration to private industry there have been some… issues. The new contractor, Infinity Adventure Tours Inc., has mandated that we open up the reserve to customers, which–
Kay: Well, Dr, administration isn’t cheap. More income from visitors means more protection for the wildlife!
Dr. Hastur: Well… in theory, yes… but in the push to rapidly prepare the Reserve for public access, some of the containment procedures are in danger of becoming compromised. Some of our recent data suggests that the more resourceful archfiends might be pushing the planet closer and closer to its host star, which could result in a dangerous breach of–
Kay: Fascinating. Thank you so much for your time, Dr. Hastur.
[Musical Transition]
Elroy: If you fell in love with today’s Extraordinary Exoplanetary Excursion destination, or you just want to get a little more information on an exciting safari to the Incomprehensible Cosmic Horror Preserve, please reach out to Infinity Adventure Tours Inc and one of our agents will be glad to shriek with you.
[Ending theme begin]
Kay: And that’s it for our show threeday. As always it’s been a joy sonically and psionically expanding your mind.
Elroy: Whether you’re cruising down the Interuniversal Quantum Foam Freeway in a Stellar Semi blasting the radio, sweeping up behind the counter at Fnord Burger, or relaxing in a molten silver spa, we want each and every one of you to know you always have a home on the airwaves with Infinity Hour.
Kay: Couldn’t have said it better myself. So until next time folks, transcend, keep that third eye open for deals, and…
Kay & Elroy: STAY INFINITE!
[Music]
Narrator: The Infinity Corporation would like to acknowledge that some aspects of this show were produced on the former ancestral homelands of the species Homo sapiens.