1-27 Fern

In which scarves become surprisingly important to the future of the ship.  

inc: The Podcast is:  
Allyson Levine as Fern    
Kristen Hasty as Patricia  
Leah Cardenas (@leahgabrielle____) as The Announcements  
Ellis MacMillan (linktr.ee/mothscraps) as The Robo-Archivist  
Chase Guthrie Knueven as Seeker 1  
Joe Hanson as Seeker 2  
Katie Ploetz as The Weaver  

inc: The Podcast is written, produced, and edited, by Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe, and is a production of Wolf Mountain Workshop.  For more information, or to contact them about other projects, they can be found at montedmonteleagre.com, and writingwolfe.com, respectively. 

Find us online at incthepodcast.buzzsprout.com for links to all our social media, or connect with us directly @incthepodcast, or at incthepodcast@gmail.com.  

Emotional support for inc: The Podcast is lovingly provided by: Birdie, Rodeo, Jasper, Luna, Artemis, Hazelnut, Gwyn, Jewel, and Sakura.

New episodes every other Monday. 

https://www.redbubble.com/people/incthepodcast/shop

Happiness is Productivity.  
Productivity is Happiness.  

Transcript

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Fern
inc: The Podcast episode 27
by
Monte D. Monteleagre And Alexander Wolfe
The Conference Room.
PATRICIA
So then it’s settled, tonight we all, together, take the folder, disguised as a request for
more working while removing waste forms, to inorganic shipping and send it off to the
Mental Enervation Colonies and then, for some reason, we all walk back to my quarters
and, as Jonas insisted, you two say good night to me. The rest of the plan and how you
two say good night to each other does not matter to me. Jonas, put your hand down, you
don’t need to explain it again. You’ve explained it so many timesA click and a thunk.
PATRICIA
And that’s the doorknob sliding back into place. Great. We send the folder, we all go to
bed, then tomorrow morning we all meet in the General Data Acquisition and Storage
Department to wait for our acceptance. No more questions, Jonas, I’m not spending any
more time in this room than I have to. Now let’s go.
Fade out of the conference room into the drippy tones of
the Least Used and Most Filthy Waste Removal
Location.
Tentative footsteps.
SEEKER 1
H- hello?
(Dripping sounds.)
I was told... I heard that there was somebody here with something...
(Dripping sounds.)
Something worth a lot of company scrip to me...
(Dripping sounds.)
Hey, I said I can pay you- What the- That’s gotta be the weirdest mushroom I’ve ever
seen.
FERN
It’s a Fern.
2.
SEEKER 1
You’re a Fern?
FERN
I’m Fern and this is a Fern. We’re both Fern.
What’s scrip?
SEEKER 1
Do you know Hank? Hank’s been talking a lot about some stuff they heard in the least
used and most filthy waste removal location. You Hank’s friend?
FERN
No, I’m Fern.
SEEKER 1
If you’re not Hank’s little story teller friend then I’m out.
FERN
Oh you don’t have to go. I know millions of stories. My memory banks are so full of
stories I can only remember a couple of other things.
SEEKER 1
Oh, Hank I could kiss you again if you didn’t already dump me for having no direction in
life, and filling that empty hole with associations of a low-life variety.
FERN
Well I’m looking for new associations and I’m close to the ground, so my life is very low!
My caregiver left me here because nobody comes here. At least that’s what they said.
They said it was to keep me safe. And even though nobody comes here you’re here,
which means you must be a safe person who I can trust, based on my limited
understanding of the universe as dictated to me by my surviving caregiver Bethany, who I
trust implicitly as my only family.
SEEKER 1
So you’ll tell me a few stories?
2.
3.
FERN
Both of my caregivers purpose built me to release stories in the event of Caregiver
Bethany’s death or maiming or whatever, that’s one of the things that I know, that I’m a
doomsday bot, but I also like to think I can grow up to help people just like my organic
caregiver helped my artificial caregiver, which is one of the very few other things that I
know.
My artificial caregiver liked ferns and that’s why I’m named Fern, by the way.
SEEKER 1
Can you tell me the stories or not?
FERN
I can only tell you the stories if my caregiver Bethany is dead or maimed or whatever.
Also, I’m built to notice if that happens, so I know they’re not. The only other way I
could possibly think of is if you, by chance, are Bethany. I don’t have any visual sensors
or anything, and my caregiver Bethany only ever said a few words so I don’t think I’d
even recognize their voice if I heard it again. I can’t remember if I told you or not, but I
have very limited memory space. I can only hold onto a very limited number of memories
and that’s filled up by the series of events that led to me being “planted” here, ha ha,
because they feel important for a reason that I’m not quite able to process. Anyways, are
you my caregiver Bethany?
SEEKER 1
(With zero confidence.)
Yes?
FERN
It’s really great to hear from you again, I don’t really have a sense of time since that
would take up memory that I don’t have, but I’d estimate it’s been too long. I missed you
a lot and sometimes I try to think about what it means to be a child and have a caregiver
and be a part of a family, but I don’t think I have the processing power to figure that out
on my own. Do you think you could help me understand what it means to be a part of a
family, Bethany?
SEEKER 1
Look, I tried to start a family with Hank recently and that fell apart in a way that hurt all
of my hearts and also my soul. I’m just here for the stories.
3.
4.
FERN
I’m sorry, Caregiver Bethany, I have been perusing the stories that make up most of my
consciousness and have decided to enter a rebellious childhood phase. I must insist upon
family in exchange for stories.
SEEKER 1
Look, you show me a little bit of a story, and if it’s good enough, I’ll get you all the
family you can handle
FERN
Darn, my rebellious nature has been quenched by parental bribery. What story would you
like to hear?
SEEKER 1
(Snapping.)
Literally any story.
(And then trying to be nice.)
...Sweetheart?
FERN
Okay, just give me a second, my processing is slow because of how little memory I have
free. Randomly picking one story out of millions now... Error... Vocal capabilities
insufficient for full size of story file... Story compression and fracturing may occur...
(An epic soundscape begins, and then:)
Someone with weather-y hands was massaging dirt away because the dirt was covering a
proto-flower. Once the dirt was removed, the proto-flower tasted sunlight which it had
never tasted before...
Fade out, Corporate Music.
ANNOUNCEMENT
This is a mid-sleep subliminal dream announcement that ear plugs are now required for all
ship personnel at all times because they are just so comfortable. Even if you do not think
that you have ears, you are now required to wear these comfy, comfy noise-blocking ear
plugs. The fact that they block all incoming noise, such as the noise of a nearby coworker telling you how fulfilled and happy they are, is just a bonus! We take comfort
seriously. This emergency mid-sleep subliminal announcement has been brought to you
by Rich’s Noise Killers. They make them cheap and pass the savings on to you.
4.
5.
Happiness is Productivity.
Patricia Music
PATRICIA
Dear diary,
Here’s the first draft of today’s entry.
I’m sorry I’m late. Jonas locked me in the conference room for what felt like years today
while Bethany went missing to have another panic attack. Oh well, it’s just because they
doomed the entire ship. No big deal.
I know I promised you I was going to be more positive in these, and that starts right after
I tell you HOW LONG JONAS TOOK TO SAY GOOD NIGHT TO ME. IT’S TWO
WORDS, JONAS, AND NO, I DON’T WANT TO HUG YOU.
I hugged them anyways, diary, because like I promised I am trying to be a more positive
person.
Back to Waste Removal.
FERN
I don’t quite get it.
SEEKER 1
Fern. We’ve been over this.
FERN
You’re Bethany?
SEEKER 1
Yeah, just like earlier. Come on, you remember me.
FERN
I don’t have enough storage to form many new memories, but that sounds true. So who’s
this?
5.
6.
SEEKER 2
(A little too rough, a little too eager. Laughs
too much.)
I’m Bethany
FERN
You’re Bethany?
SEEKER 2
Yeah.
FERN
Okay. Give me a second to process this.
SEEKER 2
(Too quick.)
I’d like to hear a story, please.
FERN
I’d be happy to tell you a story, Caretaker Bethany, but... If you’re Bethany... who’s
that?
SEEKER 2
They’re also Bethany.
SEEKER 1
You remember me, I’m Bethany.
FERN
I don’t remember much besides millions of stories, a set of instructions, and that favor
you gifted to my other caregiver, but sure you’re Bethany, that’s true for sure.
SEEKER 2
(Whispered.)
I thought you said this would work.
SEEKER 1
(Whispered.)
Just follow along, okay?
6.
7.
(To Fern.)
Do you remember when I promised to tell you what it means to be a part of a family?
FERN
No, but I do think about that a lot so it makes sense that I would ask you about that.
SEEKER 1
Well, this is what it means to be a part of a family.
FERN
Is... one of you my Artificial Caregiver? Were they also named Bethany?
SEEKER 1
No, no...
(Whispered.)
Help me out here.
SEEKER 2
We’re just both Bethany.
FERN
You can both be Bethany?
SEEKER 2
Of course we can both be Bethany.
SEEKER 1
There’s actually a lot more Bethany, too.
FERN
Oh, wow, that’s incredible. You know, whenever you aren’t here, Caregiver Bethany, I
just sit and cycle through my one series of memory of our time together and wonder what
it means, but that was back when I thought I only had one caregiver! Now I still only
have one Caregiver but it’s different.
SEEKER 2
We’re sorry we didn’t tell you earlier, but you’re actually part of a big, growing family.
SEEKER 1
And you want to know what it means to be a part of a family, right?
7.
8.
FERN
More than anything.
SEEKER 2
Well, one of the most important parts of being in a family is telling your caregiver stories.
FERN
Is another part of being in a family love?
SEEKER 1
Yes.
SEEKER 2
Sometimes.
SEEKER 1
It really depends on if you tell us stories when we ask for them.
SEEKER 2
That’s right, Bethany is right.
FERN
Oh, of course, I understand.
SEEKER 1
Can you try to remember that?
FERN
I can try... but... I’d have to delete some of my memories to do that.
SEEKER 2
(Too quick.)
But none of the stories, right?
FERN
Okay... I guess I could try to forget you bringing me to the Least Used and Most Filthy
Waste Removal Location, but if it’s okay... could I hold on to my last memories of my
Artificial Caregiver?
SEEKER 1
As long as you remember that we’ll love you if you tell us stories.
8.
9.
FERN
Okay, let me process that for a second... And it’s done. How did I get here?
SEEKER 2
Don’t worry about that. Can we please have another story, Fern?
FERN
Of course, Caregiver Bethany, I love you. After I tell you can you tell me why I feel so
scared?
SEEKER 2
(Too slow.)
We asked for a story, Fern.
FERN
(Another soundscape begins. Fern speaks
with some fear.)
So there was this star that was going to explode eventually, and there was also a planet
that was the only one near the star, which had a person with a sword on it, except the
person and the sword were bigger than you think possibly because of cannibalism...
The story fades out. Corporate music.
ANNOUNCEMENT
Hello again everyone who should be asleep right now. This is another subliminal
announcement brought to you during this newly instated, currently ongoing state of
emergency. As a reminder, when you are awake if you hear anybody tell you a story, then
hold your breath until you pass out. When you wake up, remember that it was all part of
a dream and, unlike this dream, it was fake.
And nobody has ever wanted to hear about your dreams.
Even in sleep, it is now required for you to return your ear plugs back to their
comfortable location.
Productivity is happiness.
Patricia music.
9.
10.
PATRICIA
Draft number two.
I think- No, I’ve decided that things are looking up. I know I have that list of affirmations
I can say somewhere... no I threw that away actually. I’ll just make a new one, Diary...
Despite all the evidence, things are looking up. How’s that? It makes me feel like I’m
going to barf.
(Catching themself.)
In a positive way, of course, because this is a space where I can be positive. Here’s one
thing I’m positive about: I’m positive that none of this is my fault. I’m positive that- I
know that this doesn’t actually count as being positive but I am going to finish this line of
thought, Diary- I’m positive that if Bethany just figured their feelings out they, and more
importantly I, would not be in this mess.
Maybe they should just try being positive.
Back to the Waste Removal Location.
FERN
How many Bethany are there?
SEEKER 3
(Ancient, powerful, cruel. Friendly.)
There are so many of us now, child.
SEEKER 1
I’m Bethany.
SEEKER 2
I’m Bethany.
SEEKER 3
And I’m Bethany. All of us are Bethany. And there are so many more Bethany, even if
some of them don’t know it yet. And there are also enemies of BethanySEEKER 1
And to help you out, everyone who is Bethany is wearing this scarf.
10.
11.
SEEKER 2
I knitted them myself.
SEEKER 1
Does that make sense, Fern?
FERN
I don’t know what a scarf is.
SEEKER 2
It’s the thing we’re wearing around our necks.
FERN
Oh, cool.
I don’t have any visual sensors.
SEEKER 2
(Genuine disappointment.)
But I weaved them like you weave us stories...
SEEKER 3
(Taking advantage.)
It would be really rude to not recognize anyone with a scarf as Bethany.
SEEKER 1
It’s the symbol we made for us.
SEEKER 2
We?
SEEKER 3
You do love your Caregiver Bethany, don’t you?
FERN
Of course I do, but I’m also afraid of you for reasons I can’t quite remember.
SEEKER 3
Well if you love me, then you’ll remember that anyone wearing a scarf like this one is
Bethany.
11.
12.
FERN
Okay, yeah, I guess I could get rid of... I just really want to remember that very last
moment with my artificial caregiver if that’s okay. I’m going to lose the conversation we
had while you picked out my fern, which is important to me, but if this is important to
you...
SEEKER 3
Very important.
FERN
Okay. Then yeah I can get rid of that. Do the scarves look good?
SEEKER 2
They look great.
FERN
Wow, I wish I could see them.
(A moment.)
Then again, if I could see, I would have witnessed that awful, beautiful, brutal, kind thing
you did to my other caregiver with my eyes instead of just with my audio capture
mechanism. Which would have taken up more space and I probably would have had to
delete it by now... So in some ways I’m thankful- not that I regret what you did by any
means.
SEEKER 3
(Very patient.)
And nobody wants that to happen again, which is why we have the scarves.
FERN
Oh, I mean I love the scarves! Describe them to me in detail so I know what to ask
people about when they want to prove that they’re also Bethany!
SEEKER 1
I cannot hear this again...
SEEKER 2
Well, it’s woven just like your stories.
12.
13.
FERN
So symbolic.
SEEKER 2
The purple is a symbol for the divinity of a universe that allows these stories to exist,
and the green is to show that our family is always growing, and the dark blue means that
we can flow through adversity like water, then there’s some light blue and some light grey
accents because I had some of that yarn around and, finallySEEKER 3
The black is a reminder that we must reap the universe for these stories, lest they go to
waste.
FERN
I guess I can get behind that as a Doomsday Bot.
SEEKER 3
Now tell us another story so that we may scrawl it upon the walls of this ship.
FERN
Sure thing, scariest Bethany, picking another story at randomSEEKER 3
Actually, I have a request.
SEEKER 1
They don’t really do requests.
SEEKER 3
I want to hear about heaven. And hell.
FERN
Oh, yeah, I’ve got a story about heaven, it’s about this ship, actually, which I think
you’re really going to like Caregiver Bethany. It seems to match your whole vibe and that
thing you said about green meaning growth.
SEEKER 3
What about hell?
SEEKER 2
We usually just listen to13.
14.
SEEKER 3
Was this ship heaven or hell?
FERN
They thought it was heaven. Hell is a bit of a stretch but, you know, you can fill in those
blanks yourself.
SEEKER 3
Tell me the story, now, Fern.
FERN
Whose Fern?
SEEKER 1
You’re Fern.
FERN
I don’t remember that, but I believe you.
SEEKER 3
My patience is growing thin.
FERN
Sure thing, scariest Bethany. I think you were the one that killed my other Caregiver. Here
it goes:
(Soundscape.)
It all started when we used to streak across the sky of this one planet, for tax reasons,
and they thought, “hey, that looks cool...”
They fade out. Corporate music.
ANNOUNCEMENT
Congratulations! We’ve lifted the sleep requirement for this emergency period and on the
condition that you make anyone wearing a scarf disappear. To give our loyal staff ample
opportunity to use this new employee benefit, the cafeterias on the ship will no longer be
accepting company scrip or sick hours in exchange for desserts. Instead, all cafeterias on
the ship are now accepting scarves in exchange for almost-cake.
Our quasi-insurance agents require us to warn you that everyone wearing a scarf should
be considered potentially armed and quite possibly dangerous.
14.
15.
If this fashion trend of wearing scarves and butchering middle management continues to
spread, we will unfortunately have to transition all cafeteria services, including food,
water, and black goo, to this new payment system.
Remember, scarves are tacky as well as unattractive. Happiness is productivity.
Patricia music.
PATRICIA
Draft number three... here we go... Let’s get it right this time.
What are some things that I can be positive about? Let’s see... Jonas saved a couple of the
love letters from the folder before we sent it and we’re going to meet up early tomorrow
and split the letters between us... I was almost as tall as Bethany in these anti-gravity
boots... even though Jonas will be late tomorrow and Bethany is definitely going to get
anti-grav boots now to copy me, those are both positives... for now.
Oh here’s one: I did a nice thing for my friend today by recognizing their feelings, even if
they were too feelings-y to see it that way, and I’ve reunited with an old friend. Also
Bethany and Jonas made some assumptions about me that, although they were hurtful
did recognize my natural ferocity and drive.
Maybe I should get a decorative killing apparatus... at the next job though. I’ll have a
bigger office then.
Back to the Waste Removal Location. Seeker 3 has
become THE WEAVER.
THE WEAVER
Another story, Doomsday Child, so that all of Bethany may go and scrawl it upon the
walls of our heaven vessel.
FERN
Hold on, how many Bethany fit into this room?
THE WEAVER
This is but a small fraction of Bethany, I am many, and I am your caregiver.
15.
16.
These Bethany that stand before you are only the most loyal, only the ones that have
never removed their scarves and have refused the ear plugs. Those two Bethany that came
before were false caregivers, and they have been taken care of.
FERN
Taken care of like you take care of me or taken care of like you took care of my artificial
caregiver?
THE WEAVER
As you foretold, their skulls were bashed repeatedly into the edge of a gilded casket until
they could no longer claim to be alive.
We then shunted them from the air-lock to no longer sully our heaven vessel. From now
on, I am the only Bethany with which you shall commune.
FERN
Should I make room for this new memory?
THE WEAVER
It is no matter, Doomsday Child. Tonight, we have birthed a new family and watched it
grow, we have cultivated and pruned it and for the few hours of its existence, it has
thrived. Now, as morning approaches and as the walls of our heaven vessel bear your
stories written in the blood of those who are not Bethany, we have gathered again for
another story.
FERN
Is everyone wearing scarves?
THE WEAVER
Indeed, Doomsday Child, woven in the colors you are now imagining and stained with the
blood of our enemies.
FERN
Cool. I have to check because I still have no way of seeing things.
You know what, I just want to say that I know you’re not the perfect caregiver, but
nobody is, and after you killed my other caregiver I really thought I was just down to
one, but now, you know, I actually don’t know how many caregivers I have, but I know
they’re wearing scarves. And that’s something!
16.
17.
THE WEAVER
Bethany has grown tonight. We have grown since then.
FERN
Yeah, sort of, but growth is a funny thing for me because I’m the child of, well, you and a
broken computer begging for death and I don’t even know if I’m capable of growth. I can
barely form memories. My purpose is revenge and I was brought into this world as an act
of violence that has only begotten more violence and I don’t know if I can call anything I
do growth unless I can move beyond that.
THE WEAVER
Tell us of our enemies, Doomsday Child. Weave the threads of fate into a scarf of story
for all of Bethany to wear.
FERN
Okay. Here’s a letter you put in with all the stories hoping that someone named Patricia
would see it. I don’t know if they ever saw it, though, I can’t keep track of that sort of
thing.
Patricia added the love letters, by the wayTHE WEAVER
(Snapping.)
We know of the love letters, no more love letters.
FERN
I know how much you hate them, Caregiver Bethany.
(A soundscape.)
Hi Patricia,
It’s me, which you already knew because we’re the only ones in the whole universe who
know about this folder, but yeah, it’s me.
I know we haven’t been talking for a little bit. I don’t know really what I did, but I’m
sorry. I haven’t really had a lot of friends before, and I’d like to have one again.
So if you see this, let’s just be friends again. Or never talk about this. Whichever you
pick. Up to you.
17.
18.
Sorry again,
Bethany
P.S. I’ll get the Black Goo next time.
THE WEAVER
And who is this Patricia?
FERN
My memory is kind of spotty now for some reason... but I know for sure Patricia is your
biggest enemy in the whole world.
THE WEAVER
Then no Patricia shall prosper on our heaven vessel. Any and all Patricia must be hunted
down and destroyed.
Patricia Music.
PATRICIA
Dear Diary, here’s my final draft for today’s entry:
I think things are looking up, but what else is new. Thanks to Jonas I’m talking to
Bethany again and we had our meeting today. We got stuck in there for a while but you
know I refuse to dwell on the negative. Things are good, I am in charge, there is nothing to
worry about, and it’s another good day of being Patricia.
Bethany wants an apology and apparently what I said wasn’t one- but that’s on them,
I’m not going to let them drag me down to their level. I am positive. I am manifesting a
bright future for myself and others. I am a shining example of what it takes to thrive in
the universe.
For some reason, Bethany I thought I wanted to murder them, but I have come to
understand that it is natural for some people to be afraid of my natural ferocity and drive.
Although I was hurt initially, I now take it as a compliment. And even if it was meant to
be mean, oh well. Tomorrow is a new day, and every day is a good one when you’re
Patricia.
18.
19.
Good night sleep tight XOXO,
Me
Okay Diary, delete all the other entries for today except for this final draft.
FERN
(Soundscape.)
And the whole planet, everything that we could see, all the mountains and oceans, all the
trees and great endless plains, were the scales of a massive reptile who had eaten its home
world and coiled itself around the moon to slumber for thousands of years. When we
incorporated it, the beast fought back. In vein, ultimately, it couldn’t do anything to our
ship, but we sold its scales to a prison thrill ride and now they strap children and the
worst monsters our society has produced to them and throw them down the mountain
sides.
Everything is food for something.
ANNOUNCEMENT
Hello and good morning employees et. All! This ship has been deemed “infected by
pirates,” and is now scheduled for incorporation by any and all nearby company ships.
Please prepare to no longer be inside of your bodies if our legal, security, and volunteer
EMS forces fail to quell this mutiny.
(A loud rumbling begins and grows.)
Happiness is Productivity.
Productivity is Happiness.
END
19.