1-28 Termination [Season 1 Finale]

In which the current and former members of the General Data Acquisition and Storage Department attempt to leave the ship.  

inc: The Podcast is:  
Allyson Levine as Bethany  
Raimy O. Washington as Jonas  
Kristen Hasty as Patricia  
Leah Cardenas (@leahgabrielle____) as The Announcements  
Ellis MacMillan (linktr.ee/mothscraps) as The Robo-Archivist  
Chase Guthrie Knueven as The Guard(s)
Joe Hanson as The Story-Psycho
Katie Ploetz as The Weaver and The E-Attendant  
Edie Pierce as Rose

inc: The Podcast is written, produced, and edited, by Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe, and is a production of Wolf Mountain Workshop.  For more information, or to contact them about other projects, they can be found at montedmonteleagre.com, and writingwolfe.com, respectively. 

Find us online at incthepodcast.buzzsprout.com for links to all our social media, or connect with us directly @incthepodcast, or at incthepodcast@gmail.com.  

Emotional support for inc: The Podcast is lovingly provided by: Birdie, Rodeo, Jasper, Luna, Artemis, Hazelnut, Gwyn, Jewel, and Sakura.

New episodes every other Monday. 

https://www.redbubble.com/people/incthepodcast/shop

Happiness is Productivity.  
Productivity is Happiness. 

Transcript

28. Termination
SCENE 1
Theme Plays, fading into a very dreamy version of the corporate music.
ANNOUNCEMENT: (From previous episode.) Hello and good morning employees et. All! This
ship has been deemed “infected by pirates,” and is now scheduled for incorporation by any and
all nearby company ships.
The corporate music fades into a specialized version of PATRICIA’S theme.
PATRICIA: Okay Diary, final draft for today’s to-do list:
1: Breakfast (already canceled)
2: Meet with Jonas, which I’m already late for.
3: Get to the General Data Acquisition and Storage Department and immediately deal with all
this mess
4: Arrive safely in the Mental Ennervation Colonies
5: If there’s time - repair my relationship with Bethany.
A low drone begins.
THE WEAVER: My children, my family, my great collective Bethany… they have labeled us
pirates and have thus cast themselves as our enemies. Even now they prepare their blockades,
blissfully unaware of the power that we possess. And so our family shall go to war.
We will break their pitiful Security Forces.
We will take control of the ship, spreading the stories of Bethany throughout the universe, entire.
And we will find Patricia. And Bethany shall have their revenge…
The drone fades into an EBI cut.
ROBO-ARCHIVIST: Somewhere in the vast expanse that lies between the stars, a ship of death
puttered along its pre-ordained route. Cargo hold not even half-full, it would be many cycles
before the Ship of Death returned home. With a crew of sentient cogs numbering in the
millions, the Ship of Death was a complex parasite in the body of the universe. And deep within
the darkest, most unimportant piece of the parasite, there lived a tiny computer. An Artificial
Intelligence Model 18-B, running software version 48.3.25J, codename “Perennial”. It lived in a
small and shiny box. It had recently tried to self-destruct. And every day was a little bit worse
than the one that came before it.
From the darkness of its gilded casket, the Artificial Intelligence had a tiny spark of
artificial life left within it. And, as all life is want to do, even artificially so, that tiny spark grew and
fed on whatever it could to survive.
The EBI cut becomes shaking and rumbling as the ship fights an incorporation battle. In the
midst of the chaos, the corporate theme can be heard.
ANNOUNCEMENTS: Attention any and all crew members not currently engaged in a battle to
prevent us from being incorporated, as you are well aware, a small insurrection force has
currently overtaken one of our waste removal locations. Because our security forces are already
stretched very thin, your management team has decided that for the foreseeable future, murder
is now explicitly legal and encouraged, so long as those that are murdered were wearing a scarf
at the time of their demise.
If you are not murdering fellow crew members or engaging in a battle to prevent the ship
from being incorporated, please go about your business as normal. Remember, impending
doom is not an accepted excuse for being late for a shift, and demeritization during an active
battle is punishable by immediate enlistment.
Happiness is productivity.
Fade into the GDASD Office. Sounds of battle are distant and muted.
BETHANY: (In near-full Bethany panic mode.) I hate them both, I hate them both so much, of all
the days to be late for work this has to be the absolute stupidest day to possibly choose. Not
even a little late too, not just a minute or two, no, nearly 45 minutes late! And not just one of
them either, both of them! How am I the stable one holding this group together? That is not a
stable group!
JONAS: Morning Bethany, who you talking to?
BETHANY: Where, in the absolute- I can’t even- where have you been? Where’s Patricia?
JONAS: I thought they might be here with you. We were gonna meet up before the shift to trade
Love Letter stuff but they never showed up.
BETHANY: And so you waited 45 minutes instead of just coming to the place that we were
going to meet anyway?
JONAS: What? No. I waited, like, 10 minutes and then I got hungry so I went for breakfast.
Things are moving a little slow this morning, so it took a bit, but that’s space-toast for ya. And
now I’m here.
BETHANY: I’m wearing a groove in the floor with my panic-pacing and you’re eating
space-toast?
JONAS: More like warm space-bread. A lot of power has been diverted away from basic
amenities, apparently. Can you believe Patricia, though? That’s really unprofessional.
BETHANY: You know, I’m just glad you can recognize it in other people at least.
JONAS: You taught me well. Have we heard anything about acceptance yet or not?
BETHANY: No, not unless it got sent to Patricia privately.
JONAS: Those Mental Ennervation folks sure like to take their sweet time.
BETHANY: Again, it’s like…do you even hear yourself when you talk?
JONAS: Nah. More of a high pitched ringing noise that gets louder over time. Why?
BETHANY: I just…I don’t even know.
Small pause. Battle noises.
JONAS: You don’t think they got hurt or something, do you?
BETHANY: Jonas, the universe doesn’t do nice things like that for me.
JONAS: Seriously. I’m kinda worried. I mean, I’m also a hardened veteran of a single space
battle, so my emotions are terribly and irreparably scarred, but there’s some worry in there too.
BETHANY: Jonas, they’re fine, I can almost guarantee it. I don’t think they got hurt or anything, I
think it’s probably Patricia doing Patricia things. So somebody else might’ve gotten hurt, and it
might even be us even though we don’t know about it yet. That’s what I’m worried about.
JONAS: Come on, Bethany, Patricia isn’t going to do anything. We’re a team. We’re together in
this, we’re gonna be fine.
PATRICIA enters.
PATRICIA: Okay, so I know I’m late, I know, I know, very rude, I’m sure everybody was very
worried, let’s just get down to it -
BETHANY: Where the heck have you been?
PATRICIA: Bethany, please, it’s early, we’ve got a big day ahead of us, and let me tell you, I
have had a MORNING this morning, so if you could just -
BETHANY: - if I could “just” nothing. Where have you been?
PATRICIA: This is unnecessarily hostile.
BETHANY: Fits you perfectly, answer the question.
PATRICIA: For your information, I have been dealing with the results of your little mental
breakdown, which hasAn explosion in the distance.
PATRICIA: Well, you get it.
BETHANY: I…well…okay, but…you know what, I apologized for that!
PATRICIA: Did you?
BETHANY: Compared to your apologies, yes, a thousand times I did!
JONAS: Hey!
Small pause. JONAS is angry.
JONAS: What…in the name of all that is acceptable in this messed up universe…what
happened to the AI, and its gilded casket?
Silence.
JONAS: Bethany?
BETHANY: (Clearly lying.) Hey, don’t look at me, I’ve just been pacing and worrying.
JONAS: Patricia?
PATRICIA: Jonas, I just got here. But this is what I was saying. The ship is chaos. A third of
everybody is in some kind of battle or skirmish either inside or outside the ship, another third is
cowering in total fear, making it impossible to get ANYTHING done, and about a third of people
are pretending like nothing is happening. So yeah, I’m not surprised that your little shiny box got
broken, nor do I care! What I care about is getting off this ship before it either gets incorporated
from without or burns to the ground from within.
JONAS: (Put in their place.) It’s not just a box…
BETHANY: Do you know if we even got accepted or not?
PATRICIA: No. All internal ship communication is security only. It’s probably sitting in the
Communication Offices right now, but it won’t get sent out until all the chaos and fighting is
done.
JONAS: Well we can’t exactly wait. Let’s go get it.
PATRICIA: I already tried. I sent Rose. They were back in less than 10 minutes - it’s a no-go.
There’s fighting between the Security Forces and those weirdos wearing the ugly scarves.
Whole stretches of the upper halls are completely impassable.
BETHANY: Like, fighting, fighting?
PATRICIA: Like death and blood and killing apparatuses, yes like fighting, fighting.
BETHANY: That’s insane.
PATRICIA: That’s not the only thing. Rose was scared. Real scared. They kept talking about
these people that had gone kinda…feral. Crazy. Talking to themselves, telling themselves
stories, randomly attacking people… it’s bad out there.
JONAS: I wonder if that’s what the people in line for breakfast were talking about. They called
them Story-Psychos. At least I think it was Story-Psychos. One person in line had a big bite
taken out of their cheek, and they were being pretty loud about it, but they weren’t the easiest to
understand, if I’m honest.
PATRICIA: I heard the same name. Story-psychos. Apparently they’re pretty bad news. Rose
was pretty scared when I sent them back out to try again.
JONAS: Where is Rose?
PATRICIA: No idea. They never came back. That’s why I’m here late, empty-handed, and
already annoyed.
Pause.
JONAS: Well let’s just put that on the list too. Get our acceptance letter, if we got one, make
sure Rose is okay because they liked my talent show idea and we need more people like that
around this place, finally, we get off the ship before us and everything else around us is
incorporated. Simple. Direct. Easy to understand. Who’s with me?
PATRICIA: Sounds good, only note - make finding Rose an optional item and we’re good to go.
I’m not dying because we can’t track down an iffy assistant. I’ve made other people work far too
hard to go out like that.
BETHANY: I hate to say it, but I agree with Patricia.
JONAS: Fine, whatever, I’m bored, let’s do it. I think if we each can carry about 4 ferns in each
tentacle we should be able to do it in one trip…
Small pause.
JONAS: Why am I the only one grabbing ferns? Everybody is all “rush rush rush” until it’s time to
do some actual work…
BETHANY: Jonas, we’re not taking the ferns.
JONAS: Now is not the time for joking, Bethany, this is an emergency situation. I wanna see
ferns in tentacles, please.
BETHANY: I’m serious, Jonas.
JONAS: Wait, really?
Pause.
JONAS: But…but…Patricia?
PATRICIA: I’m not touching those things, and they will NOT be transported with me.
JONAS: I…but I… I mean I can’t just leave them. Something could happen to them.
PATRICIA: No, something is definitely going to happen to them, the only question is, are we
going to be here when it does?
JONAS: But…they’re my ferns…they’re…I love them…
PATRICIA: They’re just plants.
JONAS: No, they’re special! They were the only good thing about this whole stupid office!
BETHANY: Thanks, Jonas.
JONAS: You know what I mean! They’re just…I mean…come one, we can’t take any of them?
PATRICIA: No.
JONAS: Bethany?
Small pause.
BETHANY: You can take one.
JONAS/PATRICIA: Really?
BETHANY: One. And you have to stop whining about it for a while.
JONAS: Deal. Okay. Just gotta pick it out. One. One singular fern. What’s it gonna be? Which
one of you could I possibly take…
JONAS continues on this thread in the background while PATRICIA and BETHANY end the
scene in the foreground.
PATRICIA: Are you proud of yourself? Are you proud of what you’ve done here?
BETHANY: It’s only fair. I took a fern. Jonas should get to take a fern. You can take a fern if you
want.
PATRICIA: This has been such a MORNING…
BETHANY: Same here, just replace morning with life. C’mon Jonas, let’s get it moving so I don’t
have to die at work. Chop chop.
SCENE 2
ANNOUNCEMENTS: Attention any and all crew members not actively engaged in the complete
ruination of either flesh, property, or your own personal morals. We would just like to take a
moment in the midst of all this destruction to remind everybody that there is no excuse for not
separating your trash, recycling, and organic materials prior to disposal. Let’s all pull together
and keep the ship as tidy as possible, despite the fact that a growing percentage of it is soaked
in either blood, viscera, or a disturbing combination of both. Productivity is happiness.
Fade in on an empty hallway.
JONAS: You know, all this sneaking through endless hallways with an unsettling feeling in the
back of your head that anything could go wrong at any moment is giving me some real
childhood flashbacks that Monte and Alexander should be ashamed of.
PATRICIA: Jonas, if you mention your imaginary friends one more time I swear I will smack that
fern out of your claws, I promise you that I will.
BETHANY: Will you two hush? I think I heard something.
In the distance there is some crazy muttering and weird thunks.
Hushed tones from here on out.
BETHANY: You hear that, right?
JONAS: Oh yeah.
PATRICIA: I think it’s around the corner. Here, hold on.
Small pause.
PATRICIA: Okay, so not to freak anybody out, but there’s somebody up ahead muttering to
themselves and punching the walls. Well, wall. Just one.
Small pause.
PATRICIA: Okay, so ideas would be good -
JONAS: We can find a way around.
BETHANY: It’s all security and those weirdos with scarves. This is the only way out of our little
corner of the ship. Unless you can find a fire door that doesn’t open onto a bulkhead with an
IOU attached to it.
JONAS: You know, I would’ve been a lot more careful with the black goo if I had known about
those…
BETHANY: Jonas, don’t lie during our escape, it’s bad for morale.
PATRICIA: Can we focus? We’ve got no time. NO time. One of you do something. Bethany. Go.
BETHANY: Oh yeah, that’ll work..
PATRICIA: Oh my goodness, you’re infuriating. Jonas. Go do…something.
JONAS: Can do. But you’re gonna have to hold the fern and keep it safe and warm and never
let it out of your sight even for a second and love it and care for it andPATRICIA: I’ll set it on the ground in front of me and do my best not to kick it over. Go.
JONAS: Fine, fine.
JONAS steps around the corner. CRAZED ONE is panting, punching a wall, and mutter-crying
to themselves.
CRAZED ONE: Nobody told me…nobody told me…nobody told me…nobody told me…
JONAS: Hey…um…hello there…
CRAZED ONE gives no sign that they heard JONAS at all.
CRAZED ONE (cont.): Nobody told me…nobody told me…nobody told me…nobody told me…
JONAS: So…hey, I’m Jonas, by the way, nice to meet you…so your tentacles look pretty beat
up there and the bulkhead is pretty well painted with what I hope is mostly your blood…and so
what if we considered stopping that?
Everything stops. Silence, save for the heavy breathing of CRAZED ONE.
JONAS: Doesn’t…that…feel nice?
Three footsteps.
JONAS: Okay, yeah, we can be closer together if you want, bring it in, budJONAS’ tone changes and becomes a bit suffocated.
JONAS: -and I’m being lifted - wow you’re strong - so hey, -
A thunk.
JONAS: And I’m against a wall, okay then. So about this -
CRAZED ONE: They were all happy. Every single one of them. They were all happy. That’s why
I kept listening -
A smash.
JONAS: Okay that was close to my head. // CRAZED ONE: And listening -
Another smash.
CRAZED ONE: And listening.
Final smash.
JONAS: (Small) I feel so small right now…
CRAZED ONE: They didn’t tell me there were gonna be sad ones! Nobody told me there were
gonna be sad ones! My life was terrible already, I didn’t need this -
Another smash.
CRAZED ONE (cont.): I didn’t need any of this!
Another smash.
CRAZED ONE(cont): None of the bad feelings ever leave!
Instead of a smash, this time a big BONG, reminiscent of somebody being hit with a frying pan.
Two wet thuds hit the floor, and something metal rolls away.
BETHANY: (Breathing heavily) You okay, Jonas?
JONAS: As long as there are no follow up questions, yes. What’d you do?
BETHANY: What does it look like? I hit them in the head with what I now know is an empty fire
extinguisher. Come on, let’s go before they wake up.
(Calling out)
Patricia, come on!
PATRICIA: (From off) There is so much blood down there…
BETHANY: You have anti-grav boots, the blood won’t even touch them, come on, Jonas might
be hurt. We gotta regroup, somebody will have heard all this and I don’t wanna meet them.
SCENE 3
ANNOUNCEMENTS: Attention all crew, both those accepting that designation as well as those
actively opposing it, this hour’s collective death toll was almost 2% less than the previous 6 hour
average. Let’s keep those trends going in the right direction, everyone!
In less positive news, the militant wing of our legal team has just issued a report stating
that every half hour period that passes without this uprising being quelled means another 47%
increase in the likelihood of ship-wide incorporation. Let’s virulently oppose those trends
heading in the wrong direction, everyone!
Happiness is productivity.
Fade in on Water-Cooler Storage.
JONAS: I have never seen so many water coolers in one place. Any other day and this would
be a magical experience. I can’t believe what my life has become.
BETHANY: Cut the chatter and check yourself, Jonas. What’s broken? What’s bruised? What’d
they do to you?
JONAS: I think…I think I’m mostly fine. They kinda held me against the wall and then punched
the wall more. Mostly, uh, mostly scary, I think.
BETHANY: You’re sure about that? You’re absolutely sure? We can’t have you just keeling over
if we’ve gotta make another run for it.
JONAS: Bethany, you know I’m going to be okay as long as I don’t think about it, and I’m very
good at that. Are you okay?
BETHANY: Who knows at this point, why?
JONAS: Well…cause…you know…
PATRICIA: You might’ve just killed somebody with a piece of emergency equipment.
JONAS: Yeah, that.
BETHANY: They’ll be fine. I just gave ‘em a little bonk.
Small pause.
PATRICIA: There was a lot of blood -
BETHANY: You know what, you weren’t even over there yet, so I don’t need to hear anything
from you -
JONAS: There WAS a lot of blood –
BETHANY: And you didn’t even see what happened, you had to ask me about it afterwards. So,
since I’m the only one who was ACTUALLY PAYING ATTENTION - I will decide how badly the
crazy person was hurt. And I say that they’re gonna be fine. Okay?
Silence.
BETHANY: Okay?
There is a sudden sound as an empty water jug hits the floor. They’re not alone.
PATRICIA: Hey!
BETHANY: What the -
JONAS: Stay back, we’ve got a maybe murderer here!
Pause.
GUARD ONE: Are…are you….Bethany? Do you all have scarves?
BETHANY: Um…yes to the first…no to the second. For me at least. Either of you have a scarf?
PATRICIA: No.
JONAS: No, but I’d like one if there’s an option for that.
BETHANY: No scarves over here. And one Bethany.
GUARD ONE: Oh, okay. Um, are…are you gonna randomly attack me for varying reasons all
having to do with stories?
JONAS: Uh, no. Not if you don’t do that to us, I guess.
BETHANY: You wanna show yourself maybe?
GUARD ONE: No thank you.
BETHANY: Okay, so there’s three of us, and from what I can tell there’s only one of you. So that
wasn’t really as much of an option as I made it sound.
GUARD ONE: There’s more than one of me.
BETHANY: Oh yeah?
GUARD ONE: Yeah, totally. Right…Francis?
(Doing a bad Francis Voice) Yeah…absolutely…uh…Commander. The whole unit is
stationed behind various water coolers, one of which just happened to get knocked over.
They’re completely outnumbered. Right troops?
(Another voice) Yup, absolutely.
(Another voice) Right-o, they’re surrounded, they are!
(Another voice) I’d be scared if I were them.
Small pause.
JONAS: I like them, can we take them with us?
BETHANY: Absolutely not.
PATRICIA: Hey, are you a guard? Like, a security guard?
GUARD ONE: Yes. The…one of us that’s talking to you is a guard. Also the rest…of
us…are…even more guards…. And heavily armed.
PATRICIA: Well then what are you doing in a water cooler storage room?
GUARD ONE: I…I mean we…the whole unit was…frightened. So we decided to secure this
room and just kinda…you know. Be secure here.
PATRICIA: Scared huh? I thought all security personnel would be real gung-ho about ship safety
and willing to lay down their lives at a moment's notice. That’s what all your commercials say.
GUARD ONE: This…entire unit…has agreed that we do not necessarily feel the same ties to
the ship and/or the company that might compel certain others to fight and die. Our entire unit
gets queasy at the thought of violence, yet is disgusted by my own…our own cowardice.
JONAS: Can we please take them, Bethany? They’re so broken and sad, it’s just like when I
met you!
BETHANY: Once again, no, Jonas.
PATRICIA: What if this “whole unit” didn’t have to fight or die for anything it didn’t believe in?
GUARD ONE: Well, yeah, obviously, that’s what we would like most.
PATRICIA: Do you see this thing in my hands? Here, I’m holding it up.
Small pause.
GUARD ONE: It’s green and pretty.
PATRICIA: It’s called a fern. I’m willing to give this fern to you, as payment, a special payment.
As somebody on a special management track, you know I’m allowed to assign you specific
guard duties, right?
GUARD ONE: I don’t know about that…
PATRICIA: (Spelling it out, obviously.) You…know…I…can do that….right?
GUARD ONE: (Kinda getting it.) …yes…I know that.
PATRICIA: And you like this fern, right?
GUARD ONE: Yeah…I mean, it’s fine, I’ve got nothing against it…
PATRICIA: You…like…it…right?
GUARD ONE: I…like it. A lot. I love it in fact.
PATRICIA: Well today is your lucky day. Because down in the General Data Acquisition and
Storage Department there are about 30 of these dumb things and you are now their personal
guardian. Got it?
GUARD ONE: The what department?
PATRICIA: The General Data Acquisition and – you know what, here’s what I’m gonna do, I’m
gonna slide this fern to you - let go of my leg Jonas, this is happening -
JONAS: But you promised!
PATRICIA: I said that I’d maybe not kick it.
JONAS: You’re kicking it now.
PATRICIA: I am sliding it with my foot as payment for the nice guard who is going to head out of
this door, hang a left and walk until they’re as sad as they can possibly be. And then, Guard,
talking to you now in case that didn’t come across, you’re going to look for a small, depressing
office without a door. Congratulations. That’s your post.
Sound of fern sliding.
Pause.
GUARD ONE: I really appreciate this.
BETHANY: Hey, you wouldn’t happen to know a quick way to get to Communications, would
you? All the main halls are like a war zone right now.
GUARD ONE: Did you try the foodstaff tunnels?
BETHANY: The what now?
GUARD ONE: Foodstaff tunnels. The Announcements staff never leave, so all food gets
delivered. As far as I know, nothing has touched the tunnels. Minimal security, just a sliding door
at the end that’ll open with a level 1 access key. Here. If anybody asks, you attacked me and
stole this.
GUARD ONE hucks a key across the room.
Small pause.
JONAS: No fighting over the ferns, by the way, there’s enough for all of you!
Fade out.
ANNOUNCEMENT: Attention valued employees, in an act of utmost generosity by the upper
management staff, any and all junior employees who have had their offices catastrophically
flooded with blood and/or viscera are now eligible for immediate enlistment into our shipwide
security forces, complete with accelerated and on the job training, at 50% of what it would
normally cost. Productivity is happiness.
SCENE 3.5
Fade in on the tunnels.
BETHANY: Jonas, this is a very small tunnel, if you keep farting I will make you walk in the back,
even though the dark makes you scared.
JONAS: I got the nervous toots, I can’t help it.
Small pause.
PATRICIA: I hate that this is my life now.
SCENE 4
ANNOUNCEMENT: Attention all currently grieving crew, due to the increasingly long lines at the
Cremation Station portion of the Morgue Services Department, for the next half hour we are
offering half-off and/or a two for one deal on all trash compaction burial services. Happiness is
productivity.
Fade in on the tunnel. The following lines all overlap slightly.
PATRICIA: Look, for me to be able to get this key in the stupid hole, everybody has to stop
bumping me -
BETHANY: It’s not my fault, it’s a very small tunnel -
JONAS: No no, flip it. But like, the other way, now jiggle it a little -
There is a scraping sort of turning sound and a long squeak. Silence. We hear the voice of
ANNOUNCEMENTS. They are professionally friendly, if a bit “above it all.”
ANNOUNCEMENTS: Bethany, Jonas, Patricia, if you would please come out of that dark tunnel.
Shut the door behind you if you could. No need to lock it, it’s automatic.
The door shuts.
ANNOUNCEMENTS: Are you tired at all? Thirsty? We have no food at the moment, but we do
have a bevy of synthetic beverages available, as well as chairs that you might relax on if you
feel the need.
BETHANY: You…how did you know our names?
ANNOUNCEMENTS: Who else would have snuck into the Foodstaff Tunnels to visit the
Communications Department during both an ongoing war for non-incorporation as well as a
violent coup?
JONAS: A very determined chef who has a deeply valued romantic relationship with some
person and/or persons that do not exist on this ship, and they were seeking out the
Communications Department to send one final message of devotion in what may be their last
hours still living and breathing and loving?
Small pause.
ANNOUNCEMENTS: You must be Jonas. I’ve been looking forward to meeting you, Jonas.
PATRICIA: I am just…so happy that we’re all glad to meet each other, but we have a little errand
that we’re here to complete, so if you could send a runner or an assistant or somebody to grab a
communication sent to us from the Mental Ennervation Colonies –
ANNOUNCEMENTS: Look around you, Patricia. What do you see?
PATRICIA: Uh…you. And….the door we came through. And a huge…sculpture hanging from
the ceiling? Why?
ANNOUNCEMENTS: The assistants are gone. The runners are gone.
JONAS: Yeah, now that - sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt - it’s just…this isn’t a very big
department for something as big as…you know…communications.
ANNOUNCEMENTS: You’re very perceptive, Jonas. But misguided. The communications
department is one of the largest on the entire ship. It just so happens that we aren’t kept in a
single location. Everywhere my voice reaches, that is the communications department. In a very
real way, all of you are part of the Communications Department.
Small pause.
BETHANY: Okay, but in a slightly more real way, THIS is the Communications Department, and
we really need to get what the Mental Ennervation Colonies sent us….
ANNOUNCEMENTS: You will have what you need. But I will also be allowed my say. As is my
right. This is the Communications Department, after all.
BETHANY: We’re on a bit of a tight schedule –
ANNOUNCEMENTS: In my repository of information, I have three distinct communications from
the Mental Ennervation Colonies, sent to one Jonas, one Bethany, and one Patricia. Whether I
am heeded, ignored, done violence against, bribed, threatened, or any other manner of thing,
you will receive these communications precisely when I have ordained it. Not a second sooner,
or later. Is that understood?
BETHANY: …yes.
ANNOUNCEMENTS: For the two of you as well?
JONAS/PATRICIA: Yes.
ANNOUNCEMENTS: Then you will be silent, and you will heed my words. For this is the
Communications Department, and we WILL communicate.
Footsteps. Three heavy switches are thrown and machinery powers up. The
ANNOUNCEMENTS switch into their traditional “announcement” voice.
ANNOUNCEMENT: Attention Bethany, Jonas, and Patricia, standing here in front of me. This is
a private announcement, broadcast exclusively to these small chambers that the four of us
reside in currently. Stand by for a pre-recorded message from the Robo-Archivist, the one true
God of information storage, and part-owner of this ship.
Electro-nonsense.
ROBO-ARCHIVIST: (With genuine love.) Bethany, Jonas, Patricia. I want you to know how
proud I am of all of you. You’ve all done the absolute best you could, and that’s all I’ve ever
been able to ask. As a little reward, I wanted to extend you a bit of perspective, a set of words to
take within yourselves, should you choose to do so.
“Remember, it’s a comedy.”
Goodbye Patricia. Goodbye Jonas and Bethany.
Electro-nonsense.
ANNOUNCEMENT: That concludes the pre-recorded message from the Robo-Archivist, the
One True God of information storage, and part-owner of this ship. Thank you for listening. You
will now be granted access to your communications from the Mental Ennervation Colonies.
Please stand by.
Three switches are thrown and the machinery powers down. ANNOUNCEMENTS returns to
their “professionally friendly” voice.
ANNOUNCEMENTS: The communication I am about to present to you was received by us 17.2
hours ago, and will be read to you in its entirety, word for word.
JONAS: That’s so specific.
BETHANY: Jonas, you were doing so good at being quiet.
PATRICIA: Shut up, both of you!
ANNOUNCEMENTS: Jonas, Bethany, and Patricia. I am pleased to communicate to the three of
you that you have been accepted into the Mental Ennervation Colony’s Story Creation and
Development Program. We will have a transportation shuttle near your location for the following
18 hours after receipt of this communication. Note: Please remove yourself from your current
ship by at least 4 astronomical units before pickup, as your ship is currently engaged in multiple
wars, battles, coups, and/or conflicts of a bloody and desperate nature. Thank you.
Silence.
BETHANY: We did it? We’re in?
ANNOUNCEMENTS: You have been accepted, yes.
PATRICIA: And it sounds like we have to go just right very now, so if there’s any way we could
maybe get some directions to the nearest escape pod…
ANNOUNCEMENTS: If you were to take the quickest route through the halls, you could reach
the nearest escape pod docking station in a little under 34 minutes.
JONAS: That’s not enough time. And I’m bad at math, but that’s just not enough time –
ANNOUNCEMENTS: There is another way…
BETHANY: Anything and everything, we’ll do whatever, let’s just get out of here!
ANNOUNCEMENTS: Much as your department seems to be immune to the story-esque virus
that currently sweeps the ship and rots it, cancerously, from the inside, so too does my
department confer upon me certain…perks. A distinct part of communication is the recognition
of something known as a “trope”. I have a feeling that you’ll soon be very familiar with these,
even though they hit your brain strangely now.
Should you wish to escape the ship and begin a new life, free of the shackles of the now,
you must engage in a sacred trope of action and desperation, followed by paying what may well
be an ultimate price. If that theoretical cost is not too much to bear, please, enter the ventilation
system like countless heroes before yourselves, and crawl desperately for your very freedom.
Go now. And know that I, and many others, wish you true happiness, and wondrous productivity.
Some sort of musical interlude depicting the battles that are going on, with flashes from previous
episodes.
SCENE 4.5
Fade in on the ventilation system.
BETHANY: Jonas, this is a very small vent, I swear, if you don’t stop farting I will kick out the
bottom of this thing and make you walk through a war zone, I swear I will.
JONAS: They’re excited toots this time.
Small pause.
PATRICIA: I can’t believe this is how I’m probably gonna die…
Musical interlude that builds stress and tension, and then cuts out almost entirely.
SCENE 5
A vent is kicked out and clatters to the floor.
E-ATTENDANT: Welcome to the Emergency Boarding Lounge, brought to you by Insura-co.
Insura-co. Not insurance. Not a company. Not any of your darn business. Would you like to
begin the emergency boarding process?
BETHANY: Yes please, very much right now, thank you!
E-ATTENDANT: Priority emergency boarding will begin in 30 seconds.
PATRICIA: Priority emergency boarding?
JONAS: Oh, that’ll be me. Unless you two have it as well?
BETHANY: Where the heck did “priority emergency boarding come from? I’ve never heard of
that.
JONAS: Specialty insurance policy my family has. They gave it to me after my first couple jobs.
Honestly, it’s paid for itself at this point.
PATRICIA: This is going to be a terrible ride.
JONAS: Relax, Patricia, it’s statistically safer than escaping from a ship in space without
anything surrounding your vulnerable flesh but the darkness and vacuum of eternity. At least,
that’s what the policy says.
E-ATTENDANT: Priority emergency boarding will now begin. Crewmember Jonas, please step
onto the warp pad for immediate transfer to your Escape Pod experience.
JONAS: See you soon! I’ll save you a cup of coffee. Or black goo if they went cheap on
refreshments.
JONAS is warped away. BETHANY and PATRICIA are left alone.
E-ATTENDANT: Priority emergency boarding completed. Standard emergency boarding will
begin in 3 minutes.
Pause. Silence.
PATRICIA: (Softly) You still hate me, don’t you, Bethany?
Small pause. Honesty above all else.
BETHANY: (Also softly.) Yeah. I guess I do.
Small pause. These may continue as it feels appropriate.
PATRICIA: Do you think that will ever change?
BETHANY: I don’t know.
PATRICIA: Then what do you think is next?
Pause.
BETHANY: Do you want to know one of my best memories?
PATRICIA: Yeah, sure.
BETHANY: It was that holiday period after we had been working together for a while. You were
opening a couple of presents in the office and I wasn’t really expecting anything, and your
Caregivers had included a little package for me. And inside it was a coffee cup.
PATRICIA: I remember. I helped them pick it out.
Pause.
BETHANY: Can I ask you a question, while we wait?
PATRICIA: You already have.
BETHANY: Is that a no?
PATRICIA: No. I mean, no, it’s not. Like, as in, it’s okayBETHANY: I gotcha. Thank you.
Pause.
E-ATTENDANT: Standard emergency boarding will begin in 2 minutes. Please be mindful of
carry-on size, as overly large items may be jettisoned before, during, or after the emergency
flight.
PATRICIA: So are you gonna ask your question, or…?
BETHANY: Do you regret it? Do you regret what you did? Do you feel bad about it?
Pause.
PATRICIA: No.
Pause.
PATRICIA: But I do feel bad that it was you that got hurt. That never felt good. Even when I
pretended it did. I just couldn’t be there anymore. When I saw a way out…I had to take it.
Pause. Still not enough.
PATRICIA: I’m sorry that it hurt you.
BETHANY: You’re sorry…that it hurt me…
ROSE: (Entering from the hallway. Voice fairly gravelly. Maybe laughing creepily.) Well isn’t that
just soooooo niiiiice….
PATRICIA: Rose?
ROSE: Hi Patricia. I made it. I made it back to you. You left before I could find you again but I
looked and looked and I found you anyways…
PATRICIA: I appreciate that Rose, you know I do, but I actually don’t need anything anymore.
Why don’t you knock off early? Take a little time for yourself.
ROSE: Oh, it’s all time for me now. All time is mine. I’ve got the key to everything. It’s you.
BETHANY: Rose, how many stories have you been listening to?
ROSE: All of them, of course. Every single one I possibly could. And the rest of Bethany will
reward me handsomely for this, I have no doubt. Now they’ll have to give me my own scarf.
PATRICIA: Reward you for what, exactly?
ROSE: For you, Patricia. After the Grand Collective Bethany takes the ship, their final step in
the purification is, of course, the expulsion of Patricia. They didn’t want me, they said I didn’t
deserve a scarf because I couldn’t handle the stories, but I heard The Weaver preach and I
heard the storied voice of the fern and I found my destiny before I was discovered and beaten
and thrown out to walk the halls like an animal! Like a piece of trash!
A shotgun cocks.
PATRICIA: Whoa, hey now, let’s watch where we’re pointing that thing…
ROSE: It’s a little ironic, isn’t it? You wanted me to track down a decorative killing apparatus for
your next office wall, but aw shucks, it seems like the supply issues we’re having are making
that tough. All I could find was this very real gun. I didn’t even know what it was at first, but I’ve
seen a lot of people using them and I think I’ve got the gist of it. Now how are we going to do
this?
E-ATTENDANT: Standard emergency boarding will begin in 1 minute. Please move into the
boarding zone.
PATRICIA: Look, RoseA shotgun blast.
PATRICIA/BETHANY: Hey!/Whoa!
ROSE: Don’t move unless I tell you, Patricia, or the next one isn't going into the wall.
The shotgun cocks.
PATRICIA: Bethany, do something please.
BETHANY: You’re not sorry you did it…you’re sorry it hurt me…
ROSE: See? You see that? Bethany knows. Bethany understands. All of Bethany understands.
It’s dangerous to have somebody like you on a ship, Patricia.
PATRICIA: Bethany, please…we’re friends…come on…we’re friends, we never stopped being
friends…
BETHANY: (Soft and a little sad.) They’re right…Rose is right…you’re dangerous, Patricia…
PATRICIA: What? No, no no no…
ROSE: Exactly!
BETHANY: If I helped you, you’d just do it again…
PATRICIA: I wouldn’t! No, you know me, I’ve told you - I'm trying to be a better person!
BETHANY: You’re not sorry you did it, you’re just sorry that it hurt me…
PATRICIA: What do you want? You want me to be sorry? I’m sorry! I’m sorry for anything you
want! I’m sorry for everything!
ROSE: I said, don’t move, Patricia!
E-ATTENDANT: Standard emergency boarding is now beginning. All crewmembers currently
fleeing this doomed ship, please step onto the warp pad.
PATRICIA: Bethany…please…
BETHANY: It’s too late, Patricia.
PATRICIA: Please, Bethany. I’m scared…
BETHANY: Goodbye, Patricia.
PATRICIA: NO! BETHANY -
A gunshot rings out for the briefest millisecond as BETHANY is transported away.
SCENE 6
ROBO-ARCHIVIST: It wasn’t a happy life, a good life, or even an enjoyable life by any stretch of
the imagination, and so the Artificial Intelligence Model 18-B, running software version 48.3.25J,
codename “Perennial” did what all life is want to do: it left behind a traumatized offspring in the
desperate hope that something, somehow, might be better for those that came after it.
E-ATTENDANT: Boarding completed. Jettisoning escape pod now.
Sci-fi noises.
JONAS: Hey, I made us all coffee.
Small pause.
JONAS: Where’s Patricia?
Small pause.
JONAS: Bethany, where’s Patricia?
BETHANY: They say it’s beautiful, when it happens, Jonas. They say it’s beautiful.
Fade out.
From the silence we hear snippets from a bunch of the other characters that have existed on the
ship, all starting to overlap with each other. The chaos of all this builds and builds until all at
once there is a great and grand incorporation noise and everything goes quiet.
END