2-1 Induction

In which Bethany and Jonas must prove themselves worthy of entering the Mental Ennervation Colonies' Story Creation and Development Program.  

inc: The Podcast is:  
Bethany - Allyson Levine  
Jonas - Raimy O. Washington  
Intercom - Leah Cardenas  
Robo-Archivist - Ellis MacMillan  
Kimberly - Brynn Hambley  
Carol - Edie Pierce  
Molly - Alexander Wolfe  
Jasmine - Katie Ploetz  
Spokesperson - Joe Hanson  
Blinking Lights - Chase Guthrie Knueven  

inc: The Podcast is written, produced, and edited, by Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe, and is a production of Wolf Mountain Workshop, which now has a Patreon! Join us to support our shows and get access to bonus content as well as our exclusive Discord: The Caves of Wolf Mountain.  

You can also find us on our website, which has links to all our socials along with more information about our shows, our merch, and whatever else we feel like putting there. Or you could reach out to us directly at wolfmountainworkshop@gmail.com.

Emotional support for inc: The Podcast is lovingly provided by: Birdie, Rodeo, Jasper, Luna, Artemis, Hazelnut, Gwyn, Jewel, Sakura, Gracie, Luna, Hazel, Kyo, Hamilton and The Slug. 

New episodes every other Monday. 

Ask yourself: how can M-E, work for me?  

Transcript

E1 - Induction
SCRIPT
THEME Music.
EPISODE Theme.
ROBO-ARCHIVIST: File Request made. Genre: Science Fiction, Dark Comedy, and/or
Humorous Drama. Sub-genre: Independently produced. Sub-sub-genre: niche bouts of brief and
thoughtful entertainment in a world seeming to darken by the day. Name: inc: The Pod–
(Static)
MONTE: No.
ALEXANDER: Aw, crud, but I wanted to -
(Static ends)
ROBO-ARCHIVIST: Name: REDACTED. Date of Recording: REDACTED. Suggested use:
Despite its availability to the general public, it is not recommended that this file be put to any
use, as it is predicted that when played to completion it will become a paradoxical object
resembling a circle, and as such can and will cause this universe to come to a functional end. It
is currently available as a part of our semi-annual Solar Sale at 30% off.
Pleasant sci-fi background hum slowly fading out.
INTERCOM: Welcome to the Mental Ennervation Colonies Story Creation and Development
Program. Please state your name for the record.
BETHANY: Uh, hi, I’m Bethany.
JONAS: Jonas is the name, stories are my game, nice to meet ya, “disembodied voice” that I’m
hearing in an empty room”. Quick question, why am I in an all-white cell, except for a single
glass wall, on the other side of which is my best friend and colleague, Bethany?
INTERCOM: You were recently recovered from a semi-active corporate space-battle-type
situation between two Incorporation ships, is that correct?
BETHANY: Yeah, that’s correct.
JONAS: It. Was. Nuts. There were fires, and laser guns, and guns that weren’t lasers, and
scarves, and somebody pushed me into a wall…it was wild…
INTERCOM: During our initial intake procedure, you were separated from your creative partner
in order to privately complete this New Personnel Security Intake Exam. This individual has
been isolated on the other side of the clear partition. What is the name of that person?
BETHANY: That would be Jonas. Who I’m sure you’re getting to know…intimately. And who has
been waving at me since we began this.
JONAS: Oh, that’s Bethany! We’re friends. It’s kinda in that weird period right now, cuz they’re in
one of their “moods”, and it’s like, oh my goodness are you gonna be all quiet and moody for the
whole escape pod trip just because everyone you know in the whole universe besides me was
incorporated in an instant? And then like, you’re gonna not even wave at me through the
glass…wait, is the glass clear for them too? Also why can’t I hear them, I see their mouths
moving… wait are they talking to you and not me? Can you tell me what they’re saying? Is it
about… Patricia? Did they tell you about Patricia before they told me about Patricia? ARE THEY
TALKING ABOUT ME?
INTERCOM: On your initial application it listed three distinct applicants, yet when your vessel
was taken into our care, only two people were aboard. Please explain this discrepancy.
BETHANY: One member of our team was unable to make it off of the ship and into the escape
pod. We were forced to leave without them.
JONAS: THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT PATRICIA! That’s the face they make when they’re talking
about Patricia. Yeah… oh, crud… that’s…that’s Patricia. Um, yeah, they were supposed to be
here too, and I don’t actually really know why they’re not. Bethany…hasn’t been talking a lot…
I’m gonna stop waving now, I think.
Musical Interlude.
A familiar noise, an office, the General Data Acquisition and Storage Department tone we’re so
familiar with, but less angry. More light hearted. And the sounds of paper being folded. Then, a
voice we don’t know.
KIMBERLY: (Flirting, playing dumb.) What’s that noise?
CAROL: (Focused on the task at hand.) Hmm?
KIMBERLY: I heard a noise, and you won’t let me turn around to look at it, so what was that
noise?
CAROL: (In on the game.) Oh... I don’t know... could be anything... since we don’t have a door...
KIMBERLY: It sounded like paper.
CAROL: You know how those napkins like to tumbleweed themselves down the hall.
KIMBERLY: Yes but this was more of a folding- what’s a tumbleweed?
CAROL: Something from a planet we incorporated, before that pirate ship we took care of.
KIMBERLY: Oh, never mind then. I don’t want to talk about work. (Back to flirting.) Now what
could that folding paper sound be…
CAROL: Hmm...
KIMBERLY: Hmm...
CAROL: Hmm...
KIMBERLY: Because I’m looking at my desk.
CAROL: Yes, like I asked you too.
KIMBERLY: And I’m looking at all the things on my desk.
CAROL: That makes sense.
KIMBERLY: And, you know what there’s a lot of?
CAROL: What’s that?
KIMBERLY: Little folded paper flowers.
CAROL: Really?
KIMBERLY: Yes, in every color of slip in the whole bureaucracy.
CAROL: Hmm... no.
KIMBERLY: No?
CAROL: No, not every color.
Chair squeaks slightly.
CAROL: No no no. Don’t turn around.
Musical Interlude.
INTERCOM: The Mental Ennervation Colonies’ Story Creation and Development Program
involves near constant exposure to stories, storytelling, and all manner of narratological study.
This has been shown, in a bevy of repeated studies, to have the potential to cause many
degrading and debilitating mental and physical abnormalities. In a short declaration, please
explain why you feel qualified to join this program.
BETHANY: (Awkward.) I’ve actually thought about this a good bit. I think the job that I used to
have kinda…I don’t know…almost insulates my mind from any of the weird things that happen
to others when a story gets into their head. I know other people can get pretty weird when
dealing with stories and stuff, but heck, people also get weird when presented with a ton of
random data as well - just ask Jonas about the time they thought I was involved in a whole
conspiracy… after they’re done licking the glass or whatever they’re doing right now. Weird stuff
happens. Stories don’t bother me.
INTERCOM: Jonas, if you could please stop fogging the glass with your breath and trying to
write notes to Bethany, and simply answer the question…
JONAS: Stories are just fun, ya know? I just like ‘em.
Musical Interlude.
New GDASD noises.
CAROL: …and you don’t have to say it back till you’re ready. I know both of our spouses can be
so…
KIMBERLY: Literally they’ve been encouraging me to make us official for weeks.
CAROL: Of course they have.
KIMBERLY: And they’re definitely going to want you over for dinner, probably tonight, so we’ll all
stop by one of the cafeterias and pick up some of the nicer proteins and -
CAROL: Oh, I don’t know if the nicer proteins will be thereKIMBERLY: Ah. Because of the battle.
CAROL: Because of the battle.
KIMBERLY: Right.
CAROL: We’ll make it work. We’ll think of something else. It’ll be special because you’re there.
KIMBERLY: And you’re sure your spouse won’t mind?
CAROL: They will be happy to have me out of the quarters.
KIMBERLY: More for me.
CAROL: And how’s the data from those pirates coming along?
KIMBERLY: I’ve barely been looking at it. Just giving the old “seal of approval” and moving on.
CAROL: Really, you’re not curious? We've never incorporated another ship before.
KIMBERLY: It happens.
CAROL: Yes, but it doesn’t happen to us, and being in the General Data Acquisition and
Storage Department with you for the last however-long… it feels important, right? Like we
should actually look at that data instead ofKIMBERLY: Carol, I’m here for a paycheck. Which means I’m barely here, and I’m barely getting
a paycheck. (A beat. Self-conscious.) And it’s great, though, because I met you here and we get
to spend time togetherCAROL: Do we have to fill out a form now that we’re official?
Musical Interlude.
INTERCOM: A screen will now descend in front of you, and a short video will play, defining a
little more of what we do here at the Mental Ennervation Colonies’ Story Creation and
Development Program. During this video, our artificial medical team will be taking small
amounts of blood, pus, and saliva for contaminant analysis, as well as attaching several
electrodes to your main dorsal column which will search through both your conscious and
subconscious mind for mental and spiritual contamination as well. Please, enjoy.
A hiss of static, and something like an old-timey educational film crackles on.
JASMINE: Good golly, Molly, you sure look down in the dumps, why are you carrying all those
bushels of locally marketable goods to the market all by yourself?
MOLLY: Oh Jasmine, I am! I’ve never been so upset in all my life… You see, I’m a business
owner, one of the many that keep our vital economy running smoothly, and I just can’t seem to
keep my employees happy! They keep quitting and now I have to carry all these marketable
goods to the market all by myself…
JASMINE: You’re telling me. I was just elected to a seat in local government and it seems like
no matter what I do I just can’t stop all these constituents from complaining, I’m running myself
ragged just trying to keep up with all these darn bushels of reasonable requests I’m hauling
around…
MOLLY: That’s terrible! If only there was something we could do…
SPOKESPERSON: Maybe there is!
JASMINE: Gasp! A mysterious voice from nowhere? We’d better listen to it real close, Molly.
MOLLY: You’re right, Jasmine, it’s the only sensible thing to do.
SPOKESPERSON: If you happen to find yourself in a position of power and feeling
overwhelmed by the negativity of the less-fortunate, there’s no need to rant and rave about the
value of positivity, or to bring in strong-types to make your point for you, or worst of all - to
acquiesce to their illogical and ridiculous demands. No, no. The only thing you need, the only
thing you’ll ever need, is to call the Mental Ennervation Colonies.
JASMINE: The Mental Ennervation Colonies? What are they?
MOLLY: I’ll bet they can handle my bushels of marketable goods that I’m hauling to the market
all on my lonesome.
SPOKESPERSON: The Mental Ennervation Colonies are a group of semi-interconnected
business and research companies that have all come together with a single purpose - to give
you control. Gone are the days of worker complaints, grumbling electorates, unruly educational
systems, and other acts of free and hedonistic systemic rebellion. Our proprietary technology,
when properly deployed, can ensure that up to 97% of all recalcitrant behavior is stopped at the
source, in the mind itself, before it ever has the chance to rear its ugly head.
JASMINE: That sounds like just the thing for me! How about you, Molly?
MOLLY: It sounds perfect! But how does it work?
SPOKESPERSON: Well, of course we can’t tell you EVERYTHING we do here, we’ve gotta
keep a couple secrets to ourselves after all, but I CAN tell you that our creative teams have
found a way to produce, collect, and distribute, fictionalized narrative in a form that is able to
subconsciously enter the nervous system at various points as a person goes about their
everyday life. Our unobtrusive approach allows us to penetrate the mind with a minimum of
mental and emotional alarm being raised, not unlike a laparoscopic surgery, and most of the
time the subjects are completely unaware anything is happening to them. Our products come in
a variety of forms to fit a variety of applications, including but not limited to: crowd control,
classroom management, targeted emotional terrorism, semi-targeted emotional terrorism, early
childhood behavioral correction, union disruption, personal relationship forming/ending,
depression and anxiety promotion, ennui inducement, and many more.
JASMINE: My goodness, it sounds like the Mental Ennervation Colonies can do it all!
MOLLY: How do I get started with the Mental Ennervation Colonies?
SPOKESPERSON: It’s as easy as sending us a message and preparing yourself for the time
when all of your people problems have completely disappeared.
JASMINE: Wow, the Mental Ennervation Colonies sure sound perfect.
MOLLY: Come on, Jasmine, let’s go send that message to the Mental Ennervation Colonies,
right away!
SPOKESPERSON: Well, it looks like those two were smart enough to make the switch, how
about you? I’m a Generic Spokesperson, signing off for The Mental Ennervation Colonies. The
Mental Ennervation Colonies. Ask yourself, How can M-E work for me?
Static.
BETHANY: If I’m being really honest, I think I have more questions now, if anything.
JONAS: I loved it! Can we watch it again? Also, tell Bethany that they look funny with all those
needles in their skull.
INTERCOM: Now that much of your curiosity is likely to have been tempered, we are proud to
tell you that you have passed the physical exam with what we like to describe as flying colors.
BETHANY: Cool, glad to hear it.
JONAS: Could you tell I got pushed up against a wall? Cuz I did, and it was pretty brave and
heroic, you know, but whatever. Also Bethany maybe killed the person who did it but I’m not
supposed to talk about that…
INTERCOM: The mental examination was also passed.
BETHANY: …You weren’t quite as excited about that one…
JONAS: But could you tell I was pushed up against a wall?
INTERCOM: And your spiritual examination revealed a deep love for storytelling, as well as a
distrust of almost any/all authority figures.
BETHANY: So is that a pass, or…?
JONAS: THE WALL. DID YOU SEE THE WALL?
INTERCOM: We are about to proceed to the practical portion of the intake procedure, where
you will be judged on ability, competence, potential, wherewithal, knack, caliber, skill, aptitude,
and of course, talent. Before we do so, do you have any final questions during this portion?
BETHANY/JONAS: Why do you sound like the Announcements from the ship?
INTERCOM: I am an artificially intelligent vocaloid module, programmed to appear in your mind
in the most familiar way that you, yourself, as an individual, are comfortable with receiving
information. I am also programmed with code that stretches occasionally into the 5th dimension,
and as such I know that certain stories just wouldn’t be the same without certain voices being
included.
BETHANY: Oh, okay, that makes…some sort of sense…minus the 5th dimension stuff.
JONAS: I was just thinking how comfortable that is! Also, what’s the 5th dimension?
INTERCOM: The 5th dimension is story, of course. Prepare for aptitude testing. Please enter
the chamber beyond the door.
Sci fi doors.
JONAS: (Happy gasp.) Hi, Bethany! Did you get my fog messages? I drew a fern!
BETHANY: I saw the fern, Jonas, I thought it was a turtle, but upon reflection, it was a very nice
fern.
JONAS: Did you get to watch the movie? Did they play it again for you? I made them play it for
me 7 times.
BETHANY: You know, I stuck with one, but I did have fun watching you convince them to play it
again and again. It was a little cathartic, actually.
Small pause.
JONAS: What do you think happens now?
Musical Interlude.
New GDASD noise.
CAROL: Hey, did you know there was a department just like ours on the other ship?
KIMBERLY: Every ship has a GDASD department.
CAROL: They didn’t have a door either.
KIMBERLY: None of them do.
CAROL: Huh.
KIMBERLY: Yeah. Useless department. No door. Makes sense. Were they cool?
CAROL: Huh?
KIMBERLY: The employees, were they cool before the virus got them?
CAROL: It was more of a cult thing, I think, I don’t know, I haven’t read too much.
KIMBERLY: When they were giving us the whole spiel I think the announcement said something
about an infection.
CAROL: That’s probably it, then.
KIMBERLY: So were they cool before they were infected pirates?
CAROL: Cool as in, like... chill?
KIMBERLY: Sure.
CAROL: I think they might have been the two least chill people who have ever existed.
KIMBERLY: Just give me the highlights then.
CAROL: It was a bitter older one named Bethany and then a chipper younger one named Jonas
and they were friends, usually, and then one of them turned out to be a rich fail-child and the
other one didn’t like that and also... let their mental health spiral out of control, killed some
people artificial and otherwise, and leaked the- you said it was a virus, right? Where did you
read that again?
KIMBERLY: I didn’t read it. I heard it. You’re spacey today.
CAROL: (Unsure.) I guess it was a virus then. They leaked a virus that turned most of the ship
into cultists
KIMBERLY: Pirates?
CAROL: Where did youKIMBERLY: That’s what the announcement said.
CAROL: Okay yeah…fine…. Bethany leaked a virus that turned everyone into Pirates.
KIMBERLY: And what did the other one do?
CAROL: It said something about a talent show?
KIMBERLY: Weird.
CAROL: Yeah. What do you think makes a person do that?
KIMBERLY: A talent show? Ego. You said they were rich right?
CAROL: No, no, the... terrorism? Can I say terrorism?
KIMBERLY: It’s just you, me, and the door we don’t have, so I don’t think anybody cares.
CAROL: What makes a person do that?
KIMBERLY: Keep reading and I’m sure you’ll put something together. Hey, so you know how my
spouses all have a game night each week?
CAROL: Yeah?
KIMBERLY: They told me you have to come. Like, officially.
CAROL: I’ve been coming to your game nights for almost a full cycle now.
KIMBERLY: Okay but not officially. Not as a couple.
CAROL: So... does that mean I finally get to be on your team, now?
Musical Interlude.
INTERCOM: We will now begin the practical portion of the Story Creation and Development
Program intake assessment. You and your creative partner have exactly 17 minutes to create a
fictional story. This can take the form of any medium. Supplies are extending from the wall,
presently.
Sci fi extending noises.
INTERCOM: Please be advised - your fictional story must be both distinct and unique from any
fictional materials presented during your application for the Mental Ennervation Colony’s Story
Creation and Development Program.
Your 17 minutes will begin in 5…
BETHANY: Wait what?
INTERCOM: 4…
JONAS: So it’s gotta be fiction, no biographies?
INTERCOM: 3…
BETHANY: Wait, hold on, just hold onINTERCOM: 2…
JONAS: Hey, we can do thisINTERCOM: 1…
BETHANY: Jonas, we’ve never actually created a story before!
INTERCOM: Begin fiction creation.
Sci fi “ding”.
JONAS: Okay. Okay, okay, okay, fiction….story…
BETHANY: Jonas, just hold onJONAS: Okay, so, there’s a worm, but it’s not a worm, and it’s got 4 holes on one side of it’s
headBETHANY: Jonas!
JONAS: -and it hates its Caregiver, like SO much - wait, this might’ve been a dream…
BETHANY: Jonas, focus!
JONAS: Bethany! Uh, I dunno, brainstorm!
BETHANY: Can we just take a second, here? Just a single second?
JONAS: Bethany, we’ve got, like, 16 and a half minutes here, and with our lifespans you know
how fast that time is gonna go! And I’m already forgetting about the worm-dream…
BETHANY: Look, this is ALL very fast…
JONAS: Which is why we can’t dawdle around. Come on, talk to me, forget the worm, dumb
idea - I agree, but we have to do something…… Uh…here, okay, what was your favorite EBI
story?
BETHANY: What?
JONAS: The damn Extraneous But Interesting folder, which was your favorite?
BETHANY: There were millions of stories, Jonas!
JONAS: Bethany, damn it, give me a favorite right now!
BETHANY: Uh….uh….Things Get Worse.
Record Scratch.
JONAS: Wait…the…
BETHANY: You heard me. Shut up.
JONAS: The one about the Almost-Pet that got driven away from its loving family? The one that
nearly caused me to overdose on generic sleeping intoxicants?
BETHANY: Look, you asked me…
JONAS: Oh my goodness, that is such a Bethany answer…
BETHANY: Well what’s yours then if you're the master of stories all of a sudden?
JONAS: I like the Infinite Blade Dance.
Small pause.
BETHANY: Yeah, yeah, crud, that’s a good one…
Musical Interlude.
New GDASD noises.
KIMBERLY: Why don’t you bring Gabriel?
CAROL: You know how they are.
KIMBERLY: (A moment.) Not... really. I’ve only met them once.
CAROL: Gabriel is... themself. They don’t like to go out.
KIMBERLY: It’s just one night.
CAROL: Plus, I like to have time away from them. They like to have time away from me. I don’t
really know any of their other spouses- (Shouldn’t have said that.) I mean I know them of course
I know them it’s just that…
KIMBERLY: Hey. It’s okay. People are different.
CAROL: Yeah, people are different.
KIMBERLY: Why don’t you tell me more about Bethany and JudasCAROL: Jonas.
KIMBERLY: Bethany and Jonas, and I’ll think about a game that doesn’t use teams at all. How
does that sound?
CAROL: That sounds good. As long as it’s not a chess tournament.
KIMBERLY: But you’re so good at tournaments.
CAROL: Exactly.
KIMBERLY: Oh you think we’re too easy to beat?
CAROL: I... Do think that yes.
KIMBERLY: A different time, then. Tonight we’ll do something else.
CAROL: You know... Bethany had coffee on that ship.
KIMBERLY: Really?
CAROL: For a little bit. And then it was just gone…
KIMBERLY: Where did it go? Wouldn’t we have it in storage now?
CAROL: I don’t know. I haven’t gotten that far yet. I’ll let you know if we need to do another
heist.
Musical Interlude.
INTERCOM: 3…2…1…Fiction creation time has ended. Please end creativity, and prepare for
presentation of created materials.
BETHANY: I dunno about this, Jonas…
JONAS: Hey, trust the process, it’s gonna be fine.
BETHANY: It’s pretty weird.
JONAS: It’s fine, they’re gonna love it.
INTERCOM: Please be informed that your fictional presentation is being recorded on both visual
and auditory mediums for future reference, playback, and/or exploitation. By proceeding beyond
this point you agree that any and all materials you produce are the property and potential
product of The Ennervation Colonies, their subsidiaries, and anybody they may choose to sell
these recordings to. Please acknowledge that you have heard and understand these terms as I
have said them to you.
JONAS: Fine by me.
BETHANY: Yeah, sure, whatever.
INTERCOM: Your acknowledgement has been recorded. Please begin presenting your fiction in
3…2…1…Begin.
BETHANY: (Suddenly realizing this is a performance.) Uh…um…okay, so…you know it’s funny,
you spend all those 17 minutes preparing and then all of a sudden you’re just kinda on the spot
with the metaphorical spotlight on you - hey, I guess that’s why they call it that –
JONAS: Bethany, what are you -
INTERCOM: Begin presenting fiction immediately.
BETHANY: -and-and-and I don’t know if you saw this in all your brain scans but I’m not great at
being put on the spot -
JONAS: (With increasing worry.) Bethany…
INTERCOM: If fictional presentation is not begun in the next 5 seconds, this aptitude test will be
rendered forfeit, and the applicants released.
BETHANY: Does anybody else think it’s hot in here?
JONAS: (Assuming command.) Our story begins in a far off solar system… A blue subdwarf star
is orbited by 3 rocky planets, each bathing in the bright, cobalt, light of their sun, each beginning
to realize that they, themselves, were conscious beings.
Oh, and we were talking about this, so when you’re imagining, like, how this is
presented, it’s all in audio form. So no screens or anything, you would just hang out or, you
know, clean up the office or something, and you’d be listening to the story, and some of it would
be sound effects and some of it would be words and it’s just cool like that, so when you’re
imagining it, imagine it like that.
Bethany, you wanna take over?
(Pause)
Or I’ll just keep going, I guess. So these three planets are orbiting, like planets do, and
when they get close enough to each other they can kinda talk a little bit, not like us of course,
but like planets do, and in their own little way they start to become their own little friendly group,
like planets do.
See, now, I told you that repetition thing was gonna sound weird, but you were like, no,
it’s high class…
BETHANY: (A bit quiet.) No water…
JONAS: What’s that?
BETHANY: There was no water on the planets.
JONAS: (Exciting Bethany is getting into it.) That’s right, that’s exactly right, and tell ‘em why
that’s important.
BETHANY: (Starting nervous, slowly gaining traction.) It’s…uh…it was important because it
meant that life didn’t develop on any of them. Not that it can’t without water, it’s just rare. That’s
something we know because of the job we used to have, so we threw it in there, and I don’t
think that counts as plagiarism or anything –
JONAS: (Kind but firm.) Bethany -
BETHANY: Right, sorry, so they don’t have life on them, and they’re just these big ol’ balls of dirt
and gasses hanging out around a blue subdwarf star, and so that’s what they talked about. And
occasionally made up some of their own stories about the pictures they would trace in the stars
they could see, which isn’t really a plot point, but we wanted to put it in because it kinda shows
how everybody like stories which is a cute little nod to what we’re doing, we thought, and I’m
rambling again.
Anyways.
In the way that planets do, they came up with a name for the blue subdwarf star. They
called it Blue Diamond Phillips. Which, now that I say it out loud I realize is a joke that’s only
funny if you know Phillips from our ship, who was caught stealing blue diamonds from
Gemology and Hardened Mineral Storage and… oh crud, Jonas did we write a terrible story?
JONAS: (Persevering) And the planets talked for eons about Blue Diamond Phillips, wondering
if they might be alive, wondering how they came to be, wondering why Blue Diamond Phillips
was able to put out a blue glow and an amazing amount of energy while the three planets were
dark balls of gas and rock. They became so obsessed with Blue Diamond Phillips, in fact, that
they completely failed to notice the sequential dimming, darkening, and reappearing that was
happening to several stars in their respective planetary views.
Unfortunately, as is the case when one prefers to stare into the light of blue wonder
instead of pondering the darkness in the universe, each and every planet was caught
completely off guard when Gargomellononanon: The Great and Terrible Planet Consumption
Worm With Caregiver Issues busted into their solar system, ate two of the three planets, and left
just as quickly, needing to ingest an icy comet or two after the lack of water in its last meal.
The final planet was shocked to say the least. A small piece of one of its planetary
friends had broken off in the mayhem, a small crumb really, but it fell into orbit as a comforting
moon. The final planet talked to this moon, and told it about the stories that they had all come
up with about the pictures in the stars and about Blue Diamond Phillips.
But the moon didn’t talk back. Because it was a moon. And that would be silly.
Long pause.
INTERCOM: Processing fiction creation. Please standby.
Musical Interlude.
New GDASD noises.
CAROL: So Bethany was actually in this position for, like, way longer than us.
KIMBERLY: Uh huh.
CAROL: Like we were born after they started.
KIMBERLY: No way.
CAROL: No, obviously not, because I made it up so you’d pay attention to me. Bethany’s not
that old.
KIMBERLY: (Playful.) I love it when you lie to me.
CAROL: And before Jonas, there was Patricia.
KIMBERLY: Is Patricia chill?
CAROL: No.
KIMBERLY: Is anyone on that ship chill?
CAROL: Hank was pretty chill. Well, actually, they kind of threw a fit so that they could perform a
war cry in front of the entire ship at one point but other than that pretty chill.
KIMBERLY: That doesn’t sound chill.
CAROL: Okay but Patricia would make multiple drafts of their diary just in case it was ever
published when they reached the top of whatever corporate ladder they were trying to climb,
so... Comparatively, Hank was pretty chill even though they were instrumental in spreading
the…incident.
KIMBERLY: Why’d you say incident like that?
CAROL: Like what?
KIMBERLY: Never mind.
CAROL: You know there’s a lot of interesting information in these things, how come we never
read them?
KIMBERLY: Look around you.
CAROL: Okay, I’m looking.
KIMBERLY: Does this seem like a place of hope and reading?
Musical Interlude.
INTERCOM: Bethany and Jonas, your fictional story, created in 17 minutes as a part of our
aptitude test, has been found to be within acceptable parameters of storytelling ability.
Momentarily, a door will open. Please follow the colored lighting on the floor to your new office,
and adjacent living facilities.
Congratulations, and welcome to the Mental Ennervation Colonies’ Story Creation and
Development Program.
Sci-fi door noise.
JONAS: Bethany, we did it! We’re actually here!
BETHANY: We…we actually did. We did it, Jonas.
JONAS: We made a story!
BETHANY: We made a story!
JONAS: Okay, okay, colored lights, follow the colored lights…I wonder if we get a door this
time?
LIGHTS: Hello, I am a series of blinking lights, leading you to your new future. Please don’t
differentiate from my path, or you risk immediate and painful ejection into space. Once again, I
am a series of blinking lights, leading you -
Musical Interlude.
CAROL: So this other GDASD used to collect stories that they liked. And I was thinking that
maybe we could do that too…like a special little couple’s thing, just for us.
KIMBERLY: That’s like... super not allowed though.
CAROL: I... was pretty sure that would be the main selling point to you.
KIMBERLY: And you were right. I like it. I think it’s cute. Do we start with this Bethany and Jonas
story?
CAROL: I think that’s a good idea, but aren’t you going to ask me how it ends?
KIMBERLY: I know how it ends, they get incorporated. The whole ship is in our Storage Hold.
That’s what always happens.
CAROL Not this time. This time it ends with them getting off the ship.
Musical Interlude.
New Office Noise.
BETHANY: I didn’t think it was gonna be real… I really didn’t think it was gonna be real… An
actual office with an actual door. Chairs that don’t squeak quite so much. No Waste Removal
Location spewing noxious gasses down the hallway.
JONAS: Hey, Bethany, what does “neophyte” mean?
BETHANY: I think it’s an old word for, like, a trainee. A student, almost, somebody new at
something. Why?
JONAS: It’s stenciled over the door that leads to your quarters.
BETHANY: Huh. Well, that makes sense, I guess.
JONAS: I wonder if mine says it too?
Small pause.
JONAS: Hey, Bethany, what does “senior neophyte” mean?
BETHANY: Just a higher rank, I suppose…wait…
JONAS: (Silly.) Hey, if yours just says “neophyte” and mine says “senior neophyte” that makes it
sound like…
BETHANY: Oh no.
JONAS: Wait.
BETHANY: Oh no, not this.
JONAS: That means…
BETHANY: This can’t be happening.
JONAS: Oh my goodness, Bethany, I’m your boss now!
Musical Interlude.
ROBO-ARCHIVIST: This piece of personal yearning was brought to you by the Mental
Ennervation Colonies. Mental Ennervation. Ask yourself, how can M-E work for me?
CREDITS.