2-17 The Bloodstained Office With Corn For Walls

In which Carol experiences mortality to the fullest.  

inc: The Podcast is: 
Edie Pierce as Carol   
Allyson Levine as Fern     
Leah Cardenas as The Intercom   
Brynn Hambley as Kimberly and The Small Child   
Garret Michael Weskamp as Gabriel   
And Kristen Hasty, of course, as Patricia.   

inc: The Podcast is written, produced, and edited, by Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe, and is a production of Wolf Mountain Workshop.

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Transcript

17 - The Bloodstained Office With Corn For Walls
CHARACTERS
VO
CAROL
ALICE
FERN
KIMBERLY/SMALL CHILD
GABRIEL
EDWARD
PATRICIA
PROLOGUE
Snatches of previous C+K episodes, all mixed and confused.
VO: Hello again, New Employee. Welcome to hour 96 of your Expedited Incorporation Ship
Onboarding Programming Lecture Series. The topic of our presentation today is “Death At
Work.”
FROM LAST EPISODE:
KIMBERLY: I’m sorry, Carol, I didn’t want to do that.
CAROL: Kimberly, you stabbed me…
CAROL: Kimberly, you stabbed me with a pen…
CAROL: Kimberly, there’s blood, I…I…Kimberly there’s a hole in my chest…
VO: While it’s a verifiable fact that over 80% of civilized people believe that it is distressing and
uncomfortable to discuss their own death, it is a very real possibility that everybody working on
an Incorporation Vessel must face. Therefore, we have put together this short presentation,
followed by a simple 57 question quiz, to educate and inform you about each and every part of
the dying process while on board.
Fun corporate music.
CAROL: Hello everybody, my name is Carol, and I’m a person, just like all of you. As you can
see from the copious amounts of blood staining my uniform and the ground around me, I’m
dying. And thankfully, it’s a slow and painful death, so I have plenty of time to tell you everything
you need to know.
VO: -conversations with both loved ones as well as current insurance carriers, are encouraged
in the first 6 hours of the dying process, if time and circumstances permit…
CAROL: Although everybody experiences death in different ways -
FERN: (Intercom. A bit like a dictator trying to be charismatic.) And they said it from the highest
mountains, and it rang out to the lowest valleys, and they did hear the word, and the word was
good, and the word did make them rejoice…
CAROL: -quite clear that most, if not all people will experience death in the same general
pattern.
FERN: (Intercom - same.) -would fall to their knees in front of us, and would ask us to give their
mouths suckle, but we would not let them, for we have been hardened against such things,
praise beCAROL: Step 1.
Silence.
SCENE 1 - DENIAL
Walking footsteps.
Office door.
ALICE: Good morning, Carol. Have a seat for me if you don’t mind. Can I get you anything?
Water? A latte, perhaps? Grape juice? How does your species do with grapes, Carol? Is it
good? There were completely normal grapes on that ship you loved to read about.
CAROL: I’m okay, thank you.
ALICE: You’re sure? We have hemp milk today, not made from grapes. It’s no whole milk, which
means it’s a disappointment, but you can pretend you’re doing drugs which is fun in a kind of
21st century workplace sort of way…
CAROL: No, but thank you, I appreciate the offer.
ALICE: Maybe a brownie? A bag of chips? Pistachios? They’re the king of nuts, or at least that’s
what a billboard told me once, and they’re going…going…still going…
CAROL: I…I’m worried I’m going to bleed all over your nice white furniture.
ALICE: Oh don’t you threaten me with a good time, Carol, you just sit and leak wherever your
little hearts desire. The furniture isn’t finished until you do.
CAROL: Also, I was gonna ask…most offices have walls…
ALICE: Are you implying I don’t have walls?
CAROL: Well, you have two, the one the door is in and the one behind you, but the rest is
just…it’s like grass but green?
ALICE: It’s corn, actually, but it’s all one and the same really. It’s early in the season.
CAROL: So yeah, I’m just used to offices that have…all the walls…
ALICE: And I’m used to people dying when they get stabbed in the chest, you see, we’re all at
sixes and sevens here and that’s even before we got into the grape juice debacle…
CAROL: I was gonna ask about that too…I don’t particularly want to die…
ALICE: But that’s the punchline, Carol. Otherwise it’s all just set-up.
CAROL: I feel like I have something important to do.
ALICE: What could you possibly do that would affect anything in the slightest?
CAROL: Yeah, but, like… This was big…
ALICE: I’m sure it was.
CAROL: Like really big.
ALICE: Of course.
CAROL: Like…fundamental.
ALICE: (As if in a spelling bee) Fundamental. F-u-n-da-mental. Fundamental.
Music hits.
FERN: (Intercom - the same.) And it showered over them, the pain of living once again having
known the peace of the grave, and the universe did bite at their mind and the lack of universality
did drag at their many broken hearts…
KIMBERLY: (From last episode) I’m sorry Carol…I’m sorry Carol…I’m sorry Carol…
The music gets quiet, hollow and tinny.
ALICE: (As a teacher) Carol, you get your head up off that desk and come up to the front of the
class this instantCAROL: But IALICE: Now, I said! And what is that all over your nice new sweater?
CAROL: I…I don’t…I think it might be juice?
ALICE: Don’t lie to me you little…is that blood? Is that a pen sticking out of your chest? Answer
me, child!
CAROL: I don’t…I don’t want it…
ALICE: Take it out this instant!
CAROL: I don’t want it! I don’t want it, take it out, get it!
ALICE: Dirty child…nasty child…disgusting what you let them do to you…
(As the music swells, fading out.)
Bleed, Carol. Bleed. Bleed. Bleed. Bleed. And if you care about me at all, never stop
bleeding.
The music swells.
FERN: (Intercom - the same.) To put passion in your voice and let that voice be heard by your
brethren, to broadcast and give the ears of the nonbelievers the water to cleanse their thirst…
ALICE: Death. D-E-A-T-H. Death. Carol…is experiencing…death.
Everything gets quiet.
CAROL: So…I just walk into the corn?
ALICE: Well you can’t go back through the door, can you? Just look at it.
CAROL: (Looking.) There isn’t any door…it’s just…corn.
ALICE: Oh, and here. Take these with you.
Rustling noise.
CAROL: I can’t read what this says.
ALICE: It says pistachios.
CAROL: …but I don’t want pistachios.
ALICE: Look, you’re very cute, and I love the whole “pen in the chest gimmick” you’ve got going
on, but Monte won’t get anything done if I’m not present and accounted for. I’m gonna need you
to take your cute, bloody, self, take those pistachios, and walk off into that cornfield.
CAROL: But IALICE: It wasn’t a question, Carol.
CAROL: …okay…
Corn rustling.
ALICE: (Calling after Carol) Chin up, Carol! They’re the king of nuts!
The sound of Carol walking through the field.
SCENE 2 - ANGER
The sound of Carol’s footsteps turn into boots marching along a ship corridor.
A militant drumbeat.
VO: (A passionate political spectacle, more noise than substance.)
And when we march forth we do not simply lay tentacle in front of tentacle, boot in front
of boot, no, when we march forth we do bend our very backs, brace our very shoulders, gird our
very loins against entropy itself.
To be a part of an incorporation vessel is to be a part of our species greatest war, that
war that we’ve waged since the first of us was birthed from the slime of the home planet itself -
VO/FERN: -the war against non-existence.
The militant drumbeat gives way to hippie dippy drums.
FERN: (Channeling a guru talking) In…each generation…we find ourselves contending with one
of the bigger problems of any civilized being…civilized culture, that is…that of needing to feed
on life itself to survive…which is distasteful in many ways, for most of us at least, and something
that a good many of us could do without entirely…and I think that’s a fine concept.
I do, I really do.
I think the…how to put this…the intent behind it is wonderful.
Absolutely wonderful…
The militant drumbeat can begin to be heard under the hippie dippy drums.
VO: Assemble the airlock chambers…
(assorted screams and pleas)
Seal the doors, please.
(Door sealing.)
FERN: Because the desire to eliminate suffering is always wonderful…
VO: Open the chambers.
The sound of people being sucked into oblivion.
FERN: (Regular ol’ Fern - a child, basically, at a talent show.)
There was a small child named Gabriel,
Who had a spouse, with hearts, so atrial.
Carol was shocked when
They were stabbed with a pen
Maybe all of this happens, intracranial.
Crowd laughter, slowing and slowing.
VO: Open the chambers.
Oblivion.
FERN: And the name of the ship shall be “Bethany”...
VO: Open the chambers.
Oblivion.
FERN: And the story, oh my children the story…the story will be heard…
SMALL CHILD: (Small, dying, british.) But…please…it’s just…my name isn’t Bethany. Please, I
can…look, I can be useful, I can play you something…
Sad, desperate, harmonica.
VO: Open the chambers.
Oblivion, with a focus on the small child.
SCENE 3 - BARGAINING
The noise collects into a cacophony which finally settles into an acoustic guitar, which comes to
a gentle close before the singing begins.
Carol and Kimberly sing, not worried about the tune in the slightest.
CAROL: And I keep movin’…
One foot in front of the other…
I’m movin’...
Thinkin’ about the colors…
KIMBERLY: On the floor…
It’s the trail you leave behind…
Drip drop.
It’s the life, we’ve been assigned…
CAROL: And I keep movin’...
And I just don’t know what to do…
I keep movin’...
I…I keep movin’...
KIMBERLY: If you could all find your seats, please.
(General sitting noise, as in a church.)
Today we gather. And we remember. And we judge, just a little bit, but we don’t let
anybody know that. And we wonder what might be served for lunch, later on. It’s probably potato
salad. Even if that’s not the main thing, somebody always brings potato salad. And we get
nervous, even if we don’t believe in a higher power, that not believing in that higher power will
be the thing that dares that self-same higher power to massively screw with your life next.
Maybe even end it.
Carol came into this world with a mote in their eye and left it with a pen in one of their
hearts, and might I just say that any of us would be lucky, blessed, even, to do the same.
CAROL: (Singing) It’s dripping…
On the floor…
My blood drips…
On the floor.
KIMBERLY: But we all have a chance, even in the weakest of times, even in the most final of
our moments, we all have the chance to do what is right, not for ourselves, but for all of us. For
the grand ship entire!
CAROL: I look down…
On the floor.
It’s all red…
On the floor…
Spotlights click on.
VO: (As if announcing a beauty pageant) And our very own champion of the day, making their
own red carpet as they make their way towards us, losing enough blood to make a vampire
queasy, it’s our very own, CAROL!
Carol will be presenting testimony today about whether or not they should…what was it
again…oh, yes, whether or not they should die horribly!
A smattering of applause.
CAROL: Hey there.
(Mic feedback)
So…I guess I’d rather not die…um…I don’t really have a whole lot of argument for it in
light of the…circumstances here.
VO: And let’s poll the audience…oooh, I’m sorry Carol, but it looks like the inevitable, will in fact,
come to pass. Let’s throw to the video screen now.
(Video screen noises.)
You’re dying Carol. You’re walking up a random corridor because you got lost looking for
wherever Kimberly went. You are actually listening to my voice, technically, but all I’m doing is
spewing propaganda from Fern, who had their physical self implanted into Gabriel’s neck. In
fact, why don’t we cut to a clip of that right now!
Static.
FERN: Bend their neck back.
GABRIEL: And you’re going to be able to keep telling me stories, right?
FERN: Of course, Gabriel-Bethany.
GABRIEL: All my life I thought I was the artist…now I know…I’m the brush…
FERN: Bend their neck back.
GABRIEL: You know, if Carol could see me, they’d be so proud that I’m finally getting a job.
FERN: Keep bending it.
GABRIEL: Hey, how far back are you going toFERN: We just need to compromise most of the major structural support…
GABRIEL: Hey this is really starting to hurt.
FERN: What’s that like? I don’t experience physical sensations.
GABRIEL: No…wait…stop, please!
Effort noises from Gabriel, ending in a wet snap of a neck.
FERN: Open its throat, but keep the spine attached. I want to be able to move.
Wet, throat opening noises.
FERN: Widen the throat.
Wet drilling noises.
FERN: Remove me from my limiting home, and let my once-dead roots find the veins of my
future.
Wet squelching.
FERN: Fall to your knees, Bethany, and behold Fern, the greatest pirate the universe shall ever
know.
Static.
CAROL: That was…that was Gabriel…
FERN: Hi, Bethany. Would you like to hear a story?
CAROL: Why…why did you do that to Gabriel?
FERN: (To the tune of “Daisy Bell”)
Carol…Carol…
Give me your answer do…
I’m half-crazy…
All for the love of you…
CAROL: Their head is just dangling…
FERN: All the better to talk to you with, my dear…
CAROL: Fern…Gabriel…I’m bleeding…I need help…
FERN: I’m half crazy…
All for the love of you…
Love of you…
Love of you…
Musical Interlude - “Daisy Bell” - 1915
SCENE 4 - DEPRESSION
In the style of a 40’s drama.
Cab noise. Background of a large city.
EDWARD: Goin’ uptown by chance?
CAROL: You read my mind.
EDWARD: Where can I take you, this drizzly evening?
CAROL: Where can a pretty young thing get a drink in this town?
EDWARD: And just where can I take you, this drizzly evening?
KIMBERLY: Hey sailor, this cab taken?
CAROL: I was just wondering where a pretty young thing -
EDWARD: Goin’ uptown by chance?
KIMBERLY: You know it. 181st and Wadsworth. And there’s an extra shiny nickel for you if you
make it speedy.
CAROL: Wait…
KIMBERLY: Hey sailor -
CAROL: What’s that noise?
EDWARD: Where can I take you?
CAROL: Pull over here.
KIMBERLY: Hey sailorEDWARD: Goin’ uptown?
CAROL: Keep the…keep the change…
Footsteps approaching an outdoor festival of some sort.
Music swells.
CAROL: You wouldn’t know it…
EDWARD: And just where can I take you this drizzly evening?
CAROL: But it’s a comedy…
Music swells again.
SCENE 5 - ACCEPTANCE
Music fades into the sound of wind in corn.
PATRICIA: Finally! Welcome. Watch the spiders.
CAROL: What’s a spider?
PATRICIA: I…you know what, I’ll just tell you if you need to know.
CAROL: …I feel like I need to know…
PATRICIA: Yes, but see, you’re wrong.
CAROL: Are you…are you Bethany?
PATRICIA: Okay, and look, you should know this about me, that’s a real quick way to get on my
bad side.
CAROL: Jonas?
PATRICIA: Now you’re just being mean.
CAROL: …sorry.
Pause. Wind. Footsteps.
PATRICIA: Well don’t give up now, for the love of…come on. One more guess.
CAROL: …Hank?
PATRICIA: That better be a joke.
CAROL: Patricia?
PATRICIA: And semi-pleased to make your acquaintance, Carol. You’ll excuse me if I don’t bow.
CAROL: I know you! I read about you!
PATRICIA: You’ll find, being dead and all, it’s a much smaller universe than one would think.
CAROL: Oh, so that’s…
PATRICIA: Yeah, that’s…that’s pretty set in stone.
CAROL: Well…crud.
PATRICIA: Hey, it’s not all bad. Some of us get to be ghosts.
CAROL: Do I?
PATRICIA: Honestly, I’ve got no idea. That’s up to the big guys.
CAROL: Where am I? The last thing I remember -
PATRICIA: Just outside of Lincoln, Nebraska.
CAROL: What the heck is a “Lincoln Nebraska”?
PATRICIA: Nothing important.
CAROL: It feels importantPATRICIA: As somebody who’s been here for a while, I can promise you, it’s not -
CAROL: Okay but if I -
PATRICIA: Okay that’s a spider!
CAROL: What now?
PATRICIA: Just stay still. I’m gonna find a…you know what, we’re just gonna go down a
different row.
CAROL: Are you talking about this little insect?
PATRICIA: Carol, come on nowCAROL: Oh, it’s not soCarol is interrupted by a skittering noise.
CAROL: Okay…okay…it’s on my head…
PATRICIA: I told you to stay stillCAROL: What do I do?
PATRICIA: Hold on, I’ll get a…god, a cornfield is a terrible place for this crap…
Hissing. Sticking noise.
CAROL: Okay. Okay, so it has bitten me…
PATRICIA: Are you…are you kidding me?
CAROL: The fangs just went…all the way into my brain…
PATRICIA: Are you kidding me?
CAROL: (Tipsy) No…I…wow, is it sunset? I’ve never seen a real sunset before. I think I like it?
PATRICIA: It always feels like sunset here.
CAROL: (Drunk) Everything is just so…dark…
PATRICIA: No, no, no, stay with me hereCAROL: (Very drunk.) I’m sorry Kimberly, I just don’t think I can make it to game night this
week…
Musical sting.
PATRICIA: (Calling out to “God”) No, wait, hey, what? No, look, I have, like, implied dibs. If
anybody gets to die in the afterlife it should be me-
(Sparkle noises.)
Oh and their body just disappears in a poof of glitter, that’s real classy y’all…
Hate this stupid…fricken…afterlife thing…
Sparkle noises fading into chaos.
END.