Kay:
Welcome to my podcast: A Grief Journey. My name is Kay Colley, and I’m your host.
This is the first episode of my podcast series so I wanted to give you all a little bit of background so you’ll know where I’m coming from and what I hope to accomplish with this podcast.
Grief touched me for the first time when I was 4 years old. The only grandfather I knew died. From then on, grief would be an almost constant companion. Being the youngest person on one side of the family, aunts and uncles, even cousins died when I was growing up. My grandmother died before I was in junior high, and my father died when I was in high school.
All of that stored grief just stayed bottled up inside me until it found a way to begin oozing out in college. Maybe it was the death of my father’s mother? Maybe it was explaining to my classmates that my father had died when I was in high school. I’m not sure what it was, but I began to feel the grief rather keep it inside. But it would be years before I actually started processing the grief. And I’m still processing that grief.
Today, there are still days when it hits me that my father is no longer here. I’ll admit those days are fewer as the years have passed. As 41 years have passed…but his death led to a closeness with my mother that may not have happened otherwise. Her death on Christmas Day in 2010 was an even harder grief to deal with, a day that should be commemorated with joy had turned into sadness all over again.
For a few years after that, I saw my mother everywhere. Clearly, I didn’t see her, but I saw little old ladies that reminded me of her in the last few years of her life. And when I saw them, I’d catch my breath and have a sinking feeling in my stomach. My eyes would well with tears as I remembered that she was no longer here.
People often say some misguided things to those who are grieving, like: Well at least you had your mother for longer than your father. And yes, that is true. But I really wish I still had both of them.
When there was something in my life that I wanted to celebrate, I’d call my mother because…well she was my mother. I was that little kid still wanting my mother to be proud, and she would be…after she died, who was there to be proud of me? Who was there to celebrate my victories?
Which is where my next grief enters. In 2000, I met the person with whom I wanted to share my life, Terry. She wasn’t who I expected, 17 years my senior with children who were closer in age to me than she was. She wasn’t who my family expected either, but we all grew to love her dearly.
Terry was the person who celebrated my joys, and the person who wrapped me in her arms when I needed to admit my defeats. She was also the person who was there when my mother died, not too long after her own mother had died. So when Terry died in 2019, it was devastating to me.
I worked with two grief counselors, one through work and one through the hospice group we used, to help me work through my grief. I knew I needed help, and I knew I needed lots of it.
Some of my friends recognized that as well and offered to be there for me, even if it was just to act as a distraction. That was really helpful, because my life had become so singular, focusing on taking care of Terry the last few months of her life. So no matter how hard it was, and in those early days of grief it was reallly hard, I vowed to reach out to friends and former friends. To try to rebuild relationships and to get out of myself even though I really wasn’t myself. I just knew that if I didn’t try to include more people in my life, I wouldn’t make it.
It’s been two and a half years since Terry died, and I’m still working to process the grief associated with her death, which is how this podcast was borne. As a way to help me process my grief, and hopefully help you as you take your own grief journey.
What I’ve experienced and done may not be what you experience or do…that’s okay. Grief is a personal thing. We all go through it in our own ways, but if we don’t go through it, we get stuck.
When I worked with two grief counselors, I was afraid I’d get stuck, which was why I sought two grief counselors at once. There were several times when I was actively mourning Terry’s death that I thought I’d get stuck. There are still times when I think I might get stuck, so talking about grief, writing about grief, talking with others about grief, helps me process YEARS of grief that I need to acknowledge and work through.
As I’m writing this, the tears still flow…so this grief thing doesn’t go away. It just takes a different form.
People say that grief is a result of loving well…I’m not so sure that’s true.
Grief is a result of being alive, and whether we are grieving a family member, a spouse, an animal or a lost dream, we all experience grief. It’s part of the human condition. It’s just part of being alive. And I’d rather be truly alive and risking grief than walking through this life without feeling. It’s easy to say that, but it’s harder to FEEEL that. Grief hurts. It never stops hurting. Some days it just hurts less, and eventually, you learn to live with it or live through it.
So that’s just a brief background on how this podcast, a grief journey began. I have to take these things in bite-sized pieces because it’s painful, and I need time to write, create and get through the creation process when I share my own story. There will be other podcasts that are longer when I’m talking with other people about their experiences with grief, but when it comes to my experience, I’ll keep it short.
It’s been two and half years since Terry died, but some days it feels like longer and other days it feels like yesterday—so bear with me throughout these podcasts when the feelings are raw or my voice is raspy. It’s just my grief and it hurts, and I hope you give yourself that grace as well.
Since grief is a journey, I hope you decide to walk with me as this podcast develops, and if you’d like to join me on this podcast, please let me know. I’d love to talk with you about your grief journey.
In episode 2, I talk with Dr. Regina Marqui about how Dia de los Muertos can help you on your grief journey. Commemorating it helped me the first year after Terry died, and I think it can help you too.
Remember, grief is a process. So keep moving through it. This is Kay Colley. See you next time!