Bloom Your Mind

Ep 03: Turn Up Your Desire

• Marie McDonald

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Today's episode is all about what YOU want.
How to want from a place that's your true desire, that's aligned with your values, and with who you want to be.

Many of us, especially those of us that grew up as women, are taught to fear our desire.

We may have been taught that we're here to serve the needs of others, to work, and say YES, and to focus on meeting expectations. 

When we ask ourselves what we really want, and look at why we want it, it opens up a whole new wild, true world. 

THAT desire can fuel us through any challenges, or opinions, or failures, to make our ideas real, and to make the world we're in look like the one we want, in the beautiful inner land of our minds. 

What you'll learn in this episode: 

  • In order to find out what we want we have to be willing to hear the answer.
  • These answers reveal what's solid, lasting and true for us.
  •  We can want from a place of service and love. It doesn't have to be about us. 
  • Much of what we want doesn't actually come from us, and in this episode you'll learn how to tell the difference. 
  • Learn how to create a north star for your life; a sentence that guides your every day choices and big life decisions. 
  • Learn how to play more, to unleash the raw, wild desire inside all of us.

How to connect with Marie:

JOIN THE BLOOM ROOM!
We'll take all these ideas and apply them to our lives. Follow me on Instagram at @the.bloom.coach to learn more and snag a spot in my group coaching program!

Welcome to the Bloom Your Mind Podcast, where we take all of your ideas for what you want, and we turn them into real things. I'm your host, certified coach Marie McDonald. Let's get into it.

What is up my friends? Welcome to Bloom Your Mind, episode number 3. Y'all, I've been having so much fun already with these podcast episodes. I've been getting emails and phone calls, text messages, direct messages, even just bumping into some of you in person and hearing you talk about how this content is landing for you, what it's bringing to life for you, and oh, I love it so much.

So, here's your invitation. If you listen to one of these episodes and it resonates with you, reach out, talk to me, share with me things you want me to address or make episodes about in the future, or just reach out with questions. I love that this is a conversation. This is what I want for us to be together, you and me, as we experience these concepts. 

Consider these ideas and as we take our ideas for what we want out of our heads. And put them into the world where they belong. And if you haven't listened to those first few episodes, go back. They're pretty fun. If you want to. And if you have, you might be walking around with a little bit more buzz of animating life energy inside of you.

You might be noticing and playing around with that playground inside of you, with the land inside of you. And you might be using that to also walk around and notice how the things that you can see and appreciate in the world when you speak them out, they help the world to become more fully itself. I hope you're having fun with that.

And then today we're gonna talk about some really fun stuff. Today's episode is all about what you want, how you can want from a place that's really your true desire and that is in line with your values, who you want to be and what you want to bring to the world. Because many of us are taught to fear our desire, especially those of us that grew up as women.

We're walking around thinking that we shouldn't want that. It's actually selfish to want that. We need to domesticate our brains and teach them to want what we think we're supposed. But what happens when we do that is it domesticates, our creative spirit and our aliveness, our ability to envision and create a life that's truly ours and truly fulfilling to us.

We grow up thinking that we're here to serve and work and focus on meeting the needs of others, but when we get far enough down that road, we realize it's kind of alienating. We get less authentic. And kind of have this empty feeling. Many of the people that I coach do, when we are living out the desires of others, but when we ask ourselves what we really want, it opens up a whole new world, and it doesn't have to be about us.

Our desire could be about a vision that we have for the way the world could be better. Great social movements have come from the desire for a better world. We could want something for our family or our friends or friendships, or for one of our communities. And when we ask ourselves what we want, it might tell us something about what we want for our own world, our own lives.

The answer might be when you ask yourself that you want to feel better in your body, it might be that you want more play. in your relationships, you might want to bring back the fun and the like, playfulness to your love. It might be that you might truly realize you want to move cities or jobs or careers.

That's what it did for me about a year ago, and I changed everything. That's what brought us here together, you and I, to this podcast, was me asking myself, what do I actually want? And realizing that so much of what I was doing was in line with my values, but I actually wasn't doing what I wanted all day long, so I changed it all up.

In order to find out what we want though, we got to ask ourselves, and then we got to be willing to hear the answer because it might surprise us. But the things that we do that come from asking ourselves what we want, can create change in our lives and creations in the world that are solid and lasting because they're true to us.

And today I'm going to give you a couple of ideas about desire that are kind of fun about wanting, and then I'm going to give you two tools that you can use right away to find out what you want. And then hopefully you'll email me or text me and tell me all about it. So, first of all, one of the things I want to say about desire is that it's fun.

Okay, so think about like how a kid decides what they want to do. I'll watch my son sometimes, he's six, and he'll be walking through the yard and he'll just like look down at a bicycle and notice it and be like, “that looks like fun.” He picks it up and he just starts riding it, right? Kids, they'll get on a bike because they want to feel the way it feels to go fast.

They start feeling the wind in their hair. You see this big grin on their face. Maybe they're out there on the bike because they want to hang out with their friends. They want to zip around the world. It looks fun. And then us as adults, we might end up on a bike. It's probably a Peloton or stationary bike, or maybe we go to a spin class, right?

But we're there to get a workout in to accomplish a goal. Or maybe we're there because we don't want to feel stressed. We're trying to alleviate stress. Now that's fine. Totally fine. And hey, riding that bike is a good thing, but let me just offer that if you stop and ask yourself why you want to. The answer might be that you want the experience of the endorphins rushing through your body and that elevated mood that comes after you ride the bike.

Or maybe you'll be like, “well, I wanna ride the bike, but I wanna ride it with my friends.” So, it might lead you to go do a workout with friends or take a bike ride with friends. You might do the exact same thing that you did otherwise, but be more present in it, because you are aware of what you want and why you're doing it.

So, wanting is fun and it makes life more fun, and it helps us become more aware of the gift of life that we're walking around in. And secondly, it gives us something really good to focus on. So, left to its own devices, our brain is going to live out the things that we're doing both in the day-to-day and the big decisions in life, by avoiding what we don't want. 

I mean, pause for a second and think about this. How much of what you decide during the day is avoiding what you don't want? Let's think about like if you're trying to figure out where to go. To eat some dinner and you think, “okay, I don't want it to be too crowded and I don't want to end up feeling kind of gross afterwards. So, I don't want a big, unhealthy meal. I don't want it to be a long wait, and I don't want it to be too expensive.”

Sure, asking those questions will help you avoid the things that you don't want and will help you eventually narrow down to a place that you want to, but what if you think, what do I want? “Ooh, what feels good to me right now?”

First, you're going to tap into yourself and check in, right? Not just your head that's got all the goals and all the things you should do, but your body and what it actually wants for that evening, and then you might decide that you want something a lot more clear. “Well, I want to be around people, but I don't want it to be super crowded … I want there to be some people, but not a ton of people. I want something healthy that feels awesome in my body with a bunch of vegetables. Maybe I want something new, maybe I want something different.” 

Whatever it is for yourself, you not only will be much more likely to home in quickly on something that brings you joy, something specific, but also when you get there, you'll be way more in tune with the joy of what you're doing. 

You'll feel more fulfilled because it's what you want. So I'm going to give you a couple things now that you can do to find out what you want, and the first one will help you with the second one. So, one of the most important things that I do with people is have us all decide what our mission is. 

What do we want our life to be about? So, if you think of it like a North Star that you're directing your life towards, it can help you figure out all day, every day what you want, what to do, and what you intentionally want to bring to situations. 

So, if you were lying on your deathbed and you were thinking, well, this is what my life was all about, what would you feel really proud having directed your life towards? If you had a sentence that was your mission in life that you're using the moments of this life for, what would that sentence be? A sentence that describes a good life lived, if this was the North Star that you're steering towards every day and over the years.

For me, it's to elevate the human experience, to lift up the human experience in any way that I can. For a friend of mine, it's to be an example of what's possible. I love that one for one of my clients. It's to have a positive impact on the world around her every day. And this client, I was just coaching her earlier today, she came up with her mission and it's changing her.

Her mission is just to touch lives in a positive way all around her every day have a positive impact. And we're starting to see how just knowing that intention of her life, knowing her mission is helping her with big decisions like choosing a new career and directing the big moments in her own life, but also, it's allowing her to just notice the things that she's proud of in herself right now, and even course correct sometimes.

So, she's recognizing things like how she's showing up in a crisis as a support to the people who are in that moment with her and how she's impacting them in a positive way, but also like how great it is to stand next door in line, because she will make you laugh. She will take that opportunity and she will succeed.

She's funny, but also, she's noticing her mission in other people, so it's giving her brain something beautiful to focus on in others. There's this example she was telling me about where she's afraid of heights. So, she went up in a Ferris wheel and the Ferris wheel got stuck. So, she's up there, she's got her eyes like scrunched really tightly closed, and there's a child that's stuck in the bucket across from her.

So, she notices her body language, notices that she's feeling tense, and he calls out to her, “hey, there's nothing to be afraid of. You're safe. You're okay.” And hearing that made her think of her mission to positively impact the people around her. She opened her eyes. She like pried them open and she had the courage to look.

And when she did, she realized, “ah, this is not actually that bad.” And she actually enjoyed her experience. And then she told him that he made her life better that day. So, she walked around with this wonderful experience she wouldn't otherwise have had. And she walked around having seen that she could do scary things, and he walked off that Ferris wheel with the idea planted in his head that his words can change lives.

All in all, pretty cool. And it just came from her doing the reflection, the short reflection about what do I want my life to be aimed towards? Think of the ripples of that. So, what is your mission? Maybe let it simmer in your head this week and choose a sentence that you want to try on. There's no high stakes here.

You can change it up. Just try it on, and then I'll give you a second thing that you can. To find out what you want.

Alright. You've got your mission in mind. You've got your North Star. And now really ask yourself, what do I want? I want you to answer this in two different ways and make a list of all of the things that you want, but I want this list to be unique in a couple ways. 

First, you're going to fill it with two things, the things that you want, that you already have. This came from a colleague of mine. I love this exercise. So, you're going to list a couple things, maybe two things that you want, that you already have. So, for me, that might be, I have a healthy body and I want that.

I want a family that I love. So, I'll list these two things. And then the third thing will be something that I want that I don't have yet. I want to swim with whales. 

And then you're going to keep on going down the list, listing things that you want, that you have, and then things that you want that you don't have yet.

And when you have a big list of all of the things that you want, both the ones that you have already and the things that you don't have yet, congratulations. Good job starting the process of waking up your desire. And now we're going to poke around a little bit at like why you want those things. Are they the things you really want, or are there things you think that you should want?

So, when you have a big list of all the things that you want, both the ones that you have that you want and you have already, and the things that you want that you don't have yet that are coming next, congratulate yourself for beginning the first steps of waking up your desire you deserve. You deserve to want things in your life and in the world.

And now we're going to poke around a little bit at which of these things we really want and which things we just think we want. So, you're going to look at this list of all the things that you want, the things you want that you already have, and the things that you want that are coming next, the things that you want, that you don't have yet.

And you'll start by probably seeing a lot of things that you're grateful for. That's a great place. And then you're going to ask yourself why you want each of the other things on your list. We're going to see where the desire's coming from. 

So, when I wrote my list and looked at it, for example, there were things like, I want to swim with humpback whales. Yes, I do. Why do I want that? I want it because everything in me has always wanted that. That is an experience that I want to have in this human body before I am gone. I am down with the reasons that I want that. I love whales. I love humpback whales. I am mystified by those creatures, and I'm going to swim with them before I die.

And another thing on my list was to design and build a house with my husband. I like the ideas for wanting to swim with whales, and I also like the ideas for wanting to design and build a house with my husband. Why do I want to do that? Because it sounds really. I really like my husband. I like to collaborate with him.

I want to enjoy the experience of turning our ideas for a home into a real thing together, because our design brains make really cool creations together. We made two kids together. I want to do a house too, that sounds really fun. And then to live in it. And I want to work with my dad. There's something so poetic about my parents having built houses together, designed them together, and my dad having built all these houses, a couple of his houses have burned down, and he rebuilt them.

And I just, I want to have that experience of what I saw my parents doing together when I was a kid. It just sounds amazing. So, I like those two things that I want. And then when I looked further down the list, I noticed that on there was that I wanted a big house. I paused when that was on my list and asked myself why.

I was like, “I don't even know why that's on my list. Do I? Do I want that?” I mean, my family and I used to move back and forth from LA to San Diego and we've stayed in some big houses in LA in Venice. Big to us anyways.

My two kids, my husband and I, there would be like four bedrooms and two-story house, lots of square footage, and all four of us would end up hanging out in like one room. We just really like hanging out. We don't like having a big house where we don't know where the other family members are. We don't like being all crammed up either. We like having individual spaces and doing separate things, but we like to feel kind of connected when we're home. 

So, I realize I don't want a giant house. I just want a beautiful house that feels like so vibey in the way that I like my spaces to feel with really good flowing energy. Not a lot of stuff in it. I want it to feel easy to live there with like lots of plants hanging everywhere, lots of white paint, hanging chairs. I like swinging while I sit.

Weirdly, I want an indoor-outdoor design and spaces that don't follow the roles. I'm not big on roles, and so I'd like to design a house out of our heads where there's lots of little places for my kids and my husband and our friends and our community to play in and be in. That's what I want, but I don't actually want a big house and I don't actually want a PhD, I realize that's actually not important to me.

Continuing to learn, that's important to me, but I don't need the degree and I don't need a designer purse. That's like not something I care about in the least, but I do want to travel with my family and by myself, and I want to publish my book. And then as I looked through my list, I saw that all the things on there kind of line up with my mission to elevate the human experience.

So you're going to take that list and then check it out. Why do you want this stuff on there? Is it because you're supposed to want it, because other people want those things because that's what you've always done because other people need you to, or expect that of you because you're afraid of what will happen if you don't want those things, or is it because it's a deep desire that's truly coming from you?

And one last thing before we wrap. As you ask yourself those questions, if the answers sound like, “ah, man, I don't even know what my mission is for my life.” Or if your brain does some thrashing and is like, “wait, there is a lot of the way that I've been living that is not in line with my mission and what's actually important.”

No matter what, go easy. Don't beat yourself up. If you ask yourself why you want the things on your list and you don't like the answers, that is a perfect place to start. That's just right. If there are things on your list you don't like, go gently. We're tapping into what you truly want, and next week I'll talk to you about taking that mission and desire and letting it feed into your vision for what you want to create in the world, and then how to believe in that vision no matter what before you ever take action out in the world. 

And that's what I've got for you today, my friends. Enjoy your week of wanting and I will see you next week.

Thanks for hanging out with me friends. If you like today's episode and you want more of them, please take two minutes right now to subscribe and give me a five-star review on Apple Podcasts, then send this episode to a friend. See you next time.