Bloom Your Mind

Ep 102: Next Level Love for You

• Marie McDonald

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If you look in the mirror right now and reflect, can you say that you are living your life fully? Are you giving a little bit more love to yourself that you deserve?

We're walking around the world and this is the youngest any of us will ever be right now, and we will never experience the same thing in the same way ever again.

So, if right now, you are in an environment that is not regenerative or you keep saying yes to things that don't serve you, this is the time to establish your epic boundaries.

Boundaries protect our ability to give more love, compassion, and stillness to ourselves. And when we do that, we're in full capacity to give a little bit more of our authentic selves into our community and into the world.

So, allow yourself to feel your feelings and appreciate yourself day in and day out. This is the way that you can become capable of making your big ideas real.

What you'll learn in this episode:

  • What happens when you love yourself a little bit more
  • How your epic boundaries help you be a human and experience spontaneity
  • Why being more compassionate with yourself helps you be less judgmental
  • Allowing yourself to experience JOMO
  • How to find contentment and happiness in where you are right now

Mentioned in this episode: 

How to connect with Marie:

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We'll take all these ideas and apply them to our lives. Follow me on Instagram at @the.bloom.coach to learn more and snag a spot in my group coaching program!

Welcome to the Bloom Your Mind podcast, where we take all of your ideas for what you want, and we turn them into real things. I'm your host, certified coach Marie McDonald. Let's get into it.

Hi everybody, welcome to episode number 102 of the Bloom Your Mind podcast. 

My kids are in bed and I'm sitting here recording this in my winter style pajamas. Is that fun for you to know? I wanted to tell you that because it was making me laugh, because I live in San Diego, where the weather is so mild that we need to really hype up any changes in the temperature in order to feel like we have any seasonality. 

And so, you know, it has changed like 15 degrees here and it is in my mind it is straight up autumn. I busted out the fuzzy slippers and the long sleeve pajamas. 

They're cozy and cute and I am sitting here recording this for you all cozied up, and I mean I'm sure I would be totally comfortable in a t-shirt outside right now, for a bit anyways, but you know I have an excuse to experience the autumn. 

I've been studying my autumn herbs, herbal allies that I can use to make, you know, teas and decoctions to fortify the immunity of my family. I, straight up have been using those decoctions of roots and herbs and also made my first batch of bone broth. For the winter, I made a bunch of homemade chai tea. We are ready to go for autumn. 

It is on because the weather's dropped a teeny bit, all right, so I wanted to start by just sharing. We have this whole episode way at the beginning. 

I think it's episode number two, maybe, maybe number one, where I talk a lot about how we can see things around us, not only because of our lived experience and who we are the cocktail of, you know, brain cells and lived experiences and genetics and all these beautiful things that we have that form our perception. 

But also, because we're walking around the world and we're the only ones that will ever see the things that we see, hear the things that we hear, experience the things in this world that we will experience with this set of receptors. This is a once ever happening thing. 

Right now, every second, every minute. 

This is the only time that the world will be perceived in the way that you can perceive it, and oftentimes the thing that you are perceiving is a finite thing, a spoken word by somebody. It's the only time they're ever going to say that thing in that way at that time, wearing that feeling that way right. 

Or a leaf that is the exact size that it's at right now, or someone that we love that's as young as they're ever going to get, whether that's an elder in our lives that is precious to us or a child, this is the youngest any of us will ever be right now, and so we can appreciate things truly in a way that no one ever has, no one is right now and no one ever will again. 

So, when we see it, let's say it. This is a reminder to always appreciate out loud. 

I walk around so much and appreciate things. That's just who I am. I am an appreciator. I really like people, I really like style, I really like you know humor. I just like things that people do. 

Some things that people do I did not like. I have this appreciation a lot in my head, and the reality of humans is a lot of times when someone is looking over at us or noticing us, of times when someone is looking over at us or noticing us, our brains jump to thinking that they're judging us, and so I really try to say things out loud and that appreciation, when said out loud, can just change whole trajectories, which that first episode is about. 

It's about my experiences where you say something, and it can completely change the way that someone else perceives themselves or the moment or a thing or someone else. 

And yesterday my husband told me he said you know, hey, I meant to tell you that Jeff, who is our mutual friend, said that he really loved your podcast, and he listens to everyone. And I was like what? And he said he said go 100 episodes and tell her to keep going and tell listens to everyone. And I was like what? 

And he said he said go a hundred episodes and tell her to keep going and tell her to not give up and put it out there. And then it's great and I'm listening to it, and it just totally lit up my heart. 

Hi, Jeff, if you're out there, Jeff Hershey, precious friend to Max and I and it just made it, totally juiced me up and gassed me up to make more episodes, which you know I love making this podcast, but it's so nice to know that somebody's out there saying keep going, you know, and just the amount of energy it gave me and smiles and appreciation lasted, like for a few days, I mean, and I'm sure it will continue to pop into my mind. So just remembering to say things out loud and Jeff, who is such a special person to us. 

I met Jeff for the first time when I was first dating Max, because he had a kiss cover band and I had a master's in art, and so Max was like, do you want to do their makeup? I highly recommend it as a way to meet people, because I got to sit individually with each one of these close buds of his and paint their face with, you know, kiss makeup. It was really fun. I got to know them, got to know Jeff. 

Also fun fact was we had a three-day wedding at a ranch and the night we got married he, to my knowledge, was the one that stayed up the latest, because I got up in the morning and he was still awake, standing there wearing a sign that said last man standing. That will always be your award, Jeff. 

So those are a couple of fun stories, but here's just a reminder to appreciate out loud, day in and day out. It changes your mood, it changes the people around you, it teaches children. So good, all right. 

So, what I wanted to talk about today is this. I'm going to tell a story to introduce it. Actually, I was telling a therapist the other day that I work with who is amazing. 

I was telling her; you know I've been laughing hysterically lately not just laughing really hard and I have always been one of those people who gets the church giggles. Like I laugh a lot and easily. And ever since I was a little girl I would get. 

The only time I'd get in trouble in class was from laughing too hard and literally not being able to stop, like I would be like trying really hard to stop because the teacher's glaring at me and I just kept laughing really hard, not because things made me uncomfortable, but things that were just funny, like my friend would make me laugh and I could not stop laughing. And I really am that way. I snort a lot when I laugh, and I laugh really loud and hard, and you know what is that? Spontaneously. 

But lately I have been laughing really hard multiple times a day, like a couple times a day two, three times a day, like a couple of times a day two, three times a day. And I noticed this like a month or two ago maybe, yeah, and said it to this therapist and said you know I have been cracking up and a lot of times it's with my kids. 

You know we'll be over the dinner table and one of us will be talking about something and we'll all start laughing or we'll start doing ridiculous dances, or we'll be lying in bed at night and chatting, where they tell me about their day and ask me for help as I'm putting them to sleep and they talk about stuff that's going on socially or thoughts they're having and they ask for my advice and sometimes we start laughing really hard. 

But I've been laughing and a lot of times I'll laugh really hard with my husband. He is hilarious and he makes me laugh a lot, but I will lose it like laugh really hard. Or with my business partner. We laugh really hard together. 

But I noticed a change that it's just happening a lot more. And I said to this therapist I said I think it's from not drinking alcohol, because I quit entirely having any alcohol in my system, like four or five months ago. And I've said this a couple of times we're not big drinkers, we never were big drinkers. 

But I know that I have a sensitive system, and the alcohol is a depressant and so maybe that's it. And she said I don't think that's it. And I said huh. And she said I don't think it's the alcohol, I think it's the boundaries. And I said whoa. 

So, recently, over the past year, you know, I have done a lot of work on boundaries. Like I grew up kind of codependent and um, had to unlearn that, learn to set boundaries, learn about boundary, hangovers, all that good stuff. But recently I've been setting next level boundaries. 

I don't know if any of you know Elizabeth Gilbert. I love her. She wrote something famous. Maybe, was it Eat, Pray, Love. Maybe she wrote that one. 

She also wrote a book called Big Magic, which is wonderful and she's just a really amazing magical human and author and thinker. And she really talks about the importance of self-care to an extreme degree. Self-care being like you don't hang out anytime with anyone that doesn't treat you fully with respect and love. 

You do not do anything in your life until you are fully balanced and taken care of. That is always the very, very most important thing, because if you're not totally taking care of yourself and feeding yourself, you will need too much from other people and no relationship is really solid and honest because you need too much from each other. We need too much from each other when we're not taking care of ourselves. 

So, I've learned a lot about boundaries and working with this therapist have set some wild boundaries lately that are like things I don't think I ever would have done before, that are just really about I will not put myself in places where, unless I am loved, I won't put myself anywhere unless I'm loved and respected, and where people want to receive my love. 

I've always tried to just be in places that I wasn't totally comfortable, I'd try to just kind of figure it out, and in increasing my boundaries more and more, I've really stopped doing that. 

Now I only go to places where people show me respect and love and are open to being loved and respected, you know. But it was really amazing for me to think about how that freedom that I've given myself has turned into laughter, spontaneous joy exploding out of me. That makes my life so much better and that makes the lives of the people around me better. 

And what has been crazy about these boundaries is that whenever I've taken myself out of a situation that didn't feel like what I have learned to expect from relationships and from love that didn't feel like love, didn't feel like respect. I love the people in that situation more and more. 

I've always talked to my people, coached people around how more boundaries equals more love. It truly, truly does. But it's not just love of yourself, it's not just opening you up to love the people with whom you set the boundary, but it also opens up your capacity to love being in the world and the miraculousness of life. 

I think about how setting these strong, strong boundaries I mean epic boundaries is like a love song to ourselves. You know, I think of how, when my husband and I first met each other, he would tell me I'm obsessed with you. And I'd say I'm obsessed with you too. 

And what would it be like to feel that way about myself? Right, probably not totally healthy, if I actually felt obsessed, but you know the real, like love of ourselves. What would that feel like for you? If you just felt like man, I love that person? 

I just smile when I think about myself. I just smile when I think about how I talk to my kids and how I say to them at night that I can't wait to see them when they wake up. 

But when they wake up, I say I'm so happy to see you this morning. When they open their eyes, what if I thought that to myself when I was going to sleep, I have a beautiful sleep, can't wait to see you, right, like, truly. What if you felt that way about yourself? I'm excited to see what I'm thinking in the morning, I'm excited to see myself in the morning. 

You know what, if you felt that for real, get past the cheesiness but like for real. What if you felt that and felt, you know, excited to see what you were going to think and say and get into in the morning, excited to be yourself in the morning? You were going to think and say and get in in the morning, excited to be yourself in the morning. 

That's what boundaries are like. They just like. They protect your ability to be fully expressed as your highest form of yourself in the world. And what happens when you love yourself like that is that you get to contribute to the world at such a higher level. You get to lift your family up and your community up because you've got full capacity in yourself, just being like in love with yourself. 

What it also looks like is when you run into shame or guilt or self-loathing. You love yourself so hard, let's say, you're turning an idea into a real thing, and you make a big fail. You make a big mistake. Somebody calls you out on something. 

You love yourself hard enough that you're willing to feel the shame, feel guilt, feel self-loathing, feel any feelings that you have there in the process of doing your thing in the world that you can learn from them. Once you're willing to feel those things with non-judgment and compassion for yourself, they go away. You can walk through them. 

And what happens with those beautiful boundaries? With that compassion for yourself, that willingness to go deep for yourself and feel feelings like shame and guilt the hard ones, as we say in California, the gnarly ones is you become capable of making your big ideas real. 

Because, number one, you've set the boundaries around anything that saps your energy or your strength, that's not regenerative in your life. You've created more time and energy for that essential contribution, the things that make you shine in the world. You contributing what only you can in this world. 

And the boundaries are also protecting your ability to laugh really hard, spontaneously, to be in the world to make tea and wait for the water to boil and look out your window and see what is happening in the sky and in the growing things around you, to notice the sounds around you, to read a book, to sit and just think or not think. 

Those boundaries allow you time and space to be a human in a body, and that stillness gives you more time to come up with what incredible ideas you have for your own life, for your communities, for the world. 

In order to have our highest expression of ourselves, we got to have these incredible, strong boundaries to protect our stillness, our space, to show ourselves in the world that we are important enough to say no to things that don't fill us with joy and reciprocity. 

It allows us to have the patience to be where we are right now, to not buy into a societal expectation that we need to have it all figured out and be at the end. What's the fun in that? If we were at the end, we'd never get to experience the journey. 

We can be where we are right now when we set those boundaries, when we have that compassion for ourselves and that allows us to put ourselves out into the world. When we have that much love and compassion for ourselves to set these boundaries, we can put our own unique presence into the world, with all our flaws, and we can accept those flaws, because nobody can be everything, those flaws because nobody can be everything. 

But somehow, we can know that and still expect ourselves to be like good at everything, have all of our shit together, you know, and be impressive in all the different ways that a person can. That's how we're not meant to be at all. 

I'm doing a photo shoot next weekend again. I'm just looking forward to it. Last time I was doing a photo shoot I was so uncomfortable because I don't like looking at pictures of myself or I didn't back then, and I don't know. 

I just have set so many more boundaries and dropped so many things that are not important to me, that don't feel regenerative, that I have so much more space to just be okay with whatever comes out of that photo shoot, because I know it's not about me. 

It's about this thing the bloom room which is holding all my passion, all my contribution to the world right now or a lot of it, my work's contribution to the world, which is so important to me, and because it's not filled with a bunch of noise of people that don't feel supportive, projects that aren't what I actually want to do. 

You know environments that don't fill me up and turn me on and light me up. I just don't have that white noise right now, so it's just fun. I get to wear bright colors and go take pictures to try to get the attention of people that might have big ideas to make into real things. 

That's all I care about is to help people make ideas into real things that might make the world a better place, and not pretend to be anything that I'm not, because it's not about me anyways. 

How could you love yourself a little bit more? Is it by setting a more radical boundary? What would that boundary be? What is sucking energy from you right now? A community, a habit, a practice, an environment? What is it that's not putting enough energy back into you? 

How could you say no to more that would create space for you to have a little bit more stillness? How could you embrace any feelings that are coming up for you as you're in that stillness? How could you embrace any feelings that are coming up for you as you're in that stillness, with compassion and non-judgment? 

How could you be a little bit more compassionate with yourself and how could you embrace where you are right now a little bit more fully, so that you can put a little bit more of you into the world, because that is what we need right now, right now in this world. 

In the United States we just had a very divisive election, and we don't need a bunch of people that feel bad about themselves, you know, because what we do when we feel bad about ourselves is we attack each other. We attack ourselves and then we attack each other. 

But when we don't feel apologetic about ourselves, when we are compassionate with ourselves, we become compassionate with others. 

When we set our own boundaries, we respect the boundaries of others. When we have some stillness and introversion time if we, you know, some time for that introverted part of ourselves we respect other people's right to stillness. 

I saw something the other day that introduced the concept of JOMO, which is, instead of FOMO, the fear of missing out is the joy of missing out, where you just turn down an invitation so you can sit by yourself. I love it! A little bit more. JOMO, y’all. 

When people are okay being where they are, when we are okay being where we are, we're way less judgmental about where other people are and when we are loud and proud, putting ourselves into the world in contribution. 

We are also more able to embrace the contributions that other people put into the world, and we are an example to the people around us. And we are an example to the people around us. 

Because, instead of letting our negative bias of our brains lead us off into spending time on social media fighting wars, we will never win with people we don't know doom scrolling in the news, thinking and talking about what we don't like about the people around us or the people we experienced that day. 

Instead of letting all of our energy get sapped down those lines, we stop that by focusing on our energy on something that lights us up and turns us on, brings out our highest self in contribution and makes the world a better place. 

Brings out our highest self in contribution and makes the world a better place. So just think of one way that you could set stronger boundaries, be more compassionate with yourself, practice a little bit more stillness and being who you are right now and put a little bit more of your highest, most authentic you into the world. 

That's what we want to see and that's what I've got for you this week.

If you like what you’re hearing on the podcast, you've got to come and join us in the Bloom Room. This is a year-round membership where we take all of these concepts, and we apply them to real life. In a community where we have each other's backs, and we bring out the best in each other. We're all there to make our ideas real, one idea at a time. 

I'll see you in the Bloom Room.