Bloom Your Mind

Ep 103: Starting Strong

• Marie McDonald

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How often do you wake up with stanky morning mind? We're waking up first thing in the morning and whatever's in our brain or whatever it is that we feel is what we're going to experience. That's just how our brain works. There's no shame in that.

This happened to me recently. And most mornings, I am the goofy one, dancing, and ready to go. But earlier this week, a lot of things happened and I hadn't slept well. The next morning, you guessed right, I was not dancing in the kitchen.  

Until something so unexpected happened that made me crack up and totally inspired today's episode.

Today, I'm going to share with you three ways on how you can make sure that whatever it is that you're walking into, it will be a good experience for yourself and for the people around you. 

It is by cleaning up the inside, cleaning up our approach and setting expectations.

I'll explain everything in this episode and I hope that this can help you prove that you being authentically you is what sets you up for success and allows you to experience human connection and love.

What you'll learn in this episode:

  • Managing your stanky morning mind to start your day right
  • How your authentic you sets you up for success
  • 3 ways to to create a positive experience for yourself and those around you
  • Being clear in what you want and saying it out loud

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How to connect with Marie:

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We'll take all these ideas and apply them to our lives. Follow me on Instagram at @the.bloom.coach to learn more and snag a spot in my group coaching program!

Welcome to the Bloom Your Mind podcast, where we take all of your ideas for what you want, and we turn them into real things. I'm your host, certified coach Marie McDonald. Let's get into it.

Hello, my friends, and welcome to episode number 103 of the Bloom Your Mind podcast. Oh, I'm so happy to be here with you. I just got out of the bloom room today and just enjoying so much that space for so many people, just that community that we all get to share together and lean into. 

It is so awesome to have a group of people that you can see every week and just talk to about how you're doing, that you know are going to support you and show up for you. So lovely. Also, I wanted to tell you this story from earlier this week. 

I tend to be the goofball in my house and my husband tends to be a little bit more stoic. He's like a fun, loving guy with a giant smile and warm heart. He just tends to be a little less goofy or silly than me and the kids are. He's also not really a morning person. It takes him a while to wake up in the morning and he's sort of like soft and sweet about it. 

He's just slow, kind of slow smile slowly wakes up. He's not grumpy in the morning, but I'm like awake. When I wake up, my eyes pop open and I'm ready to go most days. So oftentimes in the morning my kids will be sitting at the counter eating their breakfast and I'll be drinking my coffee over at the sink and my husband will be standing there and we always have music on. We always have a candlelit or diffuser on. 

We always have a little candlelit or diffuser on, we always have some music on in the background and oftentimes, when he's looking the other way, I will go up behind him and like dance back-to-back against him and my kids will giggle and laugh. And then my husband will turn around. I'm like nothing, nothing, and he kind of like looks over his shoulder. I don't know. I'm kind of like goofing, waking myself up, waking the kids up, waking my husband up. You know all of it. 

So earlier this week I was not awake. I had had quite the last few weeks and the night before I had had a couple of kids over to spend the night at my house. Each of my children had a friend-ish, over to spend the night and it was. There was slumber party. There was so much going on that week and so it was the next morning. 

I hadn't slept that well and I was not dancing in the kitchen, but I was having my coffee by the sink, where I usually do, my kids were having their breakfast and all of a sudden I felt this movement against my back and I like look, and it is my husband. 

My six-foot two husband is dancing against my back to the music and my kids are giggling and I am like what? After 15 years together, he is dancing against my back, and I started cracking up so hard. It was so unexpected that I almost spit my coffee out across the hole, like sprayed it across the kitchen, because I was so surprised and so delighted, and I was cracking up so hard. 

And it just made me think about how, like I never knew if he was annoyed that I was doing that. I wasn't picking up any signs that he was super annoyed. But I just mean, who knows how people think I had no idea that he actually enjoyed it enough to actually be the one doing the dancing on a slow morning, and it just made me think about how, like, even when you're in a room and all the other energy is different. 

It doesn't mean your energy isn't welcome, you know. It doesn't mean it's not bringing something that's really valuable to the rest of the people in a group, and I often see that. I think our human brains often point out to us the ways that we are different, and we leap in our assumptions to also making that mean that that difference is not good because it doesn't match when it is so opposite. 

Most of the time, authentic energy you being you is the most important thing for your health, for your self-expression, for your relationships, for the world, and it is actually what other people are drawn to. It is the number one thing. You being authentically you is what draws other people to you. 

So don't stop the morning back dance or whatever it is that is so you, whether it rubs off on someone else or not, it's so valuable for you to just keep being your own brand of human valuable for you to just keep being your own brand of human. 

So today I want to talk about how we do or do not set ourselves up for what we're walking into, how we start a thing, and I want to talk about three parts of this, because I see people jumping in to so many things without setting themselves up for success. 

The first example I'm going to give is just of a day jumping into the day without making sure it's going to be the day you want, or jumping into your like, just acting and going and doing things without making sure you're in the right spot. And the second way I want to talk about this is through how we approach whatever it is we're doing. And the third way is by how we set expectations with the people around us for what we're doing. 

So, these are three ways that we can make sure that we're priming what we're walking into to be a good experience for ourselves by cleaning up the inside, cleaning up our approach and setting expectations. So that's what we're talking about today, and I'm going to start with cleaning up the inside. 

So, do you ever wake up with a stanky morning breath? Like when I wake up in the morning, I don't know what my breath smells like, but I'm definitely not going to breathe in my husband or my children or my dog's face until I brush my teeth, because I do not expect my breath to be all minty, fresh and sweet smelling after I've been sleeping for eight or nine hours. 

That's right. I said eight or nine hours. That's your girl sleeping a lot because I love it. And so, I'm not going to wake up and be like expecting perfection out of myself because I have been asleep. I'm going to go brush my teeth, I'm going to take care of myself and then my breath's going to smell good and I'm going to talk in people's faces if I want. 

But what I'm not going to do is feel shame or embarrassment or confusion about why I don't have minty, fresh Colgate breath or, you know, tom's natural toothpaste breath, whatever it is you like, and I imagine most of you agree with that. Most of you are like, yeah, yo, I, I know I'm going to brush my teeth, but how often do you wake up with stanky morning mind? 

I mean like you have anxiety or you're worried about something, or you're mad about something, or you're just like I don't want to face this day. My body doesn't feel good, I'm not excited. What today is holding, whatever it is, how often do you have that? 

A lot of us have it most of the time and as I've talked to more and more people, I realize how many people are in this boat where they wake up with their mind ruminating on things. They wake up feeling negative. This makes sense, just like the breath in our mouths. What is going on in our minds is very likely to be negative or heavy or icky in the morning because our subconscious mind has been in charge all night long. 

Our defenses have been down, our minds have been rattling off. Maybe we've been processing emotions or fear or danger throughout the night. 

We're waking up first thing in the morning and whatever was there in our brain not what we choose, but whatever is there is what we're going to look at first, what we're going to feel, what we're going to experience. There is no shame here. There's no reason to beat ourselves up, feel bad, feel heavy, feel shame. This is how our brains work. 

We can expect to have a stanky morning mind, and if we expect it, then nothing has gone wrong here. We can expect that in the morning, before we even open our eyes or before we step out of the bed, we can acknowledge wherever our mind's at and start thinking about what we're grateful for the temperature of the air, the sheets underneath us, whatever in our body is working, the air around us. 

And as soon as we can get a little bit of that momentum we can walk out to a window or a door, open the blinds, open the door, whatever you have access to and see some sunlight in our eyes, as early as we can get to when we wake up, as close as we can get to. That will help us get out of that morning mind stank. 

And then doing some stretching or a few squats, like moving our body a little bit and then beginning to work with our mind even more deeply. What am I grateful for? What do I love? What am I looking forward to? Anything like that and all of that is natural and will get us into the right mindset for our day. 

And all of that is natural and will get us into the right mindset for our day. The next step is in thinking about what we believe about our day, in priming our mind for how we want to approach our day. I will never forget. 

I have read two data points that blew my mind. There was this article in the Atlantic about super friends, and this was a couple of years ago. I've mentioned it before on the podcast, but it said the number one trait that all people that made friends really easily and had lots of social connections very successfully had in common is that they believed that they would. They believe they're likable, the people who are well-liked. 

The thing they all have in common is not that they're good looking, not that they're extroverted, not that they're introverted, not that they're approachable looking. It's not a gender and age, it is that they believe they will be liked. That's what makes them likable. 

So, when you think about the groups that you're going into, the meetings that you're going into, the projects you have in front of you in a day, what do you want to believe about those things before you enter into them? Just take a second in your morning and say all right, I'm going into this social group. 

I know that whatever I'm thinking and believing about how I relate to this group is going to inform my body language, how I approach people, everything. So, what do I want to believe? I want to believe these are my people, or I'm going to find some new friends, or I'm curious to find out more about them, or I fit right in. Whatever it is that's believable for you. 

Take a minute to put your thoughts in the place that will set you up for an experience that you want to have. 

The other piece of data that I read I can't remember if this was Gottman's or what, I will look it up but about marriage is that one of the most predictable elements of a marriage that is super successful is that the people within the marriage believe that they have something very special, that they have something unique, and that belief in that unique connection with your partner actually can be predictive of the longevity of the relationship. And whether you know, erase the word marriage. 

It's like for any relationship, for friendship, for a relationship with a community, for a relationship with a love interest if you believe there's something unique and special, you will not give up on it. You will talk about it in a different way. You will show up for it in a way different way than otherwise. 

So, what are you walking into today? Is it a relationship with a friend? Is it a connection with a community or a job? What do you believe about it? Because that will be predictive of the quality of the thing that you are experiencing. So, in that morning, as you clean up your mind, your stanky morning mind, you know what you want to have. You want to have thoughts that you put into your mind that are going to create the experience that you want to have. 

The second thing is outcomes. I see so many people it's like you're playing pool, right, and you're aiming with your pool stick and you've got the cue ball, the white ball, and you're going to hit the white ball. And I see so many people just hit the white ball and not actually line the white ball up with the other balls that they're trying to hit and the pockets that they're trying to get the balls into. 

They just start whacking away at the white ball. That's as far as they think. You can tell what's going to happen with that game. You're not going to win, right? It's going to take a really long time to win. The odds are not in your favor, right? 

So, what we can do when we're starting a project is to think what is the outcome that I want here? And when we start with the outcome in mind for what we are trying to create, then we choose the simplest, fewest, most effective steps to get to that outcome. 

When we are in a meeting or a connection or a social engagement with other people and we know what the outcome is whether it's just relaxing, whether there's a specific outcome in mind for a discussion we're having with people within work or within our life. When we say that that's the outcome that we're going towards, we're all aligned and we waste so much less time and there's so much less mystery and power, dynamic stuff. 

When we're just like, hey, is this what we all think we should be doing here? Great, let's do it. It makes things so much more clear and clean. 

Let's take something like Valentine's Day gifts or gifts for holidays okay, when we don't think about the outcome that we want to create, we just start doing things in the way that we've seen them done before or in the way that we've done them before. We repeat the same mistakes. 

We repeat the same things over and over again. If we think about the outcome that we want, or a gift, for instance, that we want to make for someone or give to someone, then we think, okay, I want them to feel special, I want them to feel seen, I want them to receive something they can use, whatever it is. It allows us to take a step back and put our efforts in line without outcome. 

I've seen so many couples feel frustrated at their partner buying them the same things that they don't like over and over again and then feeling too bad to say anything because at least it's something and they want to be grateful. Or people's feeling thwarted because they never know what to get someone else for a gift and they're just guessing and then they feel disempowered. 

What if we just asked? What if we just told each other? What if we just thought through the outcome that we want? If we're not going to ask for a holiday that you're putting on, I'm putting on a Thanksgiving dinner. 

If I don't think through the outcome that I want, I am going to put on the exact same Thanksgiving dinner that I've seen put on any other time that I've been at one, the way that everybody else has always done it. If I step back and I think, what do I want this experience to be like for the people who are coming, I might come up with some really cool stuff, some stuff that I've never seen at a Thanksgiving dinner. 

Before my daughter's writing a poem that she's going to read out at the beginning, I'm thinking about how I want to set up the room to be a little bit whimsical and magical. We're thinking about what we want to actually do before Thanksgiving. What do we actually enjoy and what do we not? 

I know the problematic elements of this holiday, but we're getting together. We're eating together. If I think about what I want it to be like, I have much higher chances of it being like that. So, matching our efforts with our outcome by orienting ourselves to the outcome first there's a whole episode about outcomes and methods, if you want to go deeper into that. 

Lastly is setting expectations. I work day in and day out to help people in my coaching see how they're interpreting reality and calling it reality. How they're interpreting reality and calling it reality. We can only see the world through the perception that we have and built into us, through our lived experience and our genetics and all the things, and through that perception we're perceiving everything and making a meaning out of it and believing that that meaning is real. 

So, we can just understand that human brains work like that and help ourselves step into experiences that we most want by saying things out loud, setting expectations. If we're making a coffee date with someone and they might think that we don't care that much about it and they might come late, they might cancel it, whatever it is, what if we said to them hey, you're really important to me and I'm really looking forward to this meeting. 

I've missed you and it's been a long time, and I'm really looking forward to having this meeting with you. We can set ourselves up by making these expectations clear, that this is an important time, so that the other person understands oh, this is important, excellent, got to make sure I show up for that. 

I have an anniversary trip that I'm taking my husband on and it's a surprise, he doesn't know what we're walking into. Yesterday I was thinking about what do I want for this time. I want him to feel so relaxed and chill. He needs that. I want that with him. 

That's what I want our time to be like. In order for him to feel like that, is there anything else I need to do? Oh, I need to text him a packing list. Hey, this is what you need, these three things. You need something to wear to a nice dinner, you need something for music out and you need stuff to just relax, like by a pool or by, you know, just chill. 

I never would have thought to text him that unless I had thought about what I want our outcome to be, what I want the time to be like together and what he needs in order for it to be like that. 

The amount of interpretation that happens in other people's minds and in our own is extreme. So how can we shortcut that? By telling the people around us exactly what to expect at the start of a meeting before we enter into some social engagement, even if we're just saying hey, I'm sitting on the couch right now and I really just want to read my book quietly for a while. I love you; I don't want to talk. 

Hey, I actually want to take the first few bites of my food really quietly, because I love focusing on it and experiencing it, and I get too distracted when I start talking right away. Just give me a couple bites and then I'll be ready to talk. Can you think of that situation? If I was quiet for a little while and didn't speak to someone, they might think this was an awkward silence. 

And now the silence gets bigger and bigger. Maybe I shouldn't talk at all. They might feel weird. But if I just say, hey, I'm going to be chill and quiet for a first few bites, then they'll enjoy their first few bites. 

We have much more likelihood of removing the mystery and any weird human drama that goes on in other people's minds if we make expectations clear. Just say it out loud. So those are three ways that we can set ourselves up to walk into experiences that we want. 

Number one by cleaning out our stanky morning brain and by cleaning out our brain anytime we're walking into something new. How do we want to set our mind up to perceive the situation? Because we know, however we're thinking, we're going to act in line with that and create that result. 

Number two, how can we have the outcome at the start of anything that we're beginning on? When we think with the end in mind first, we are much more likely to show up with all the right tools and materials to estimate the amount of time something is going to take correctly, to collaborate effectively with everyone on the same page, to use our time and our energy well. 

And number three by setting expectations with the world around us to remove the drama, remove the mystery, increase transparency and ultimately increase connection and effectiveness and love. 

That's what I think anyway. What do you think? 

That's what I've got for you this week and I will see you next week. 

If you like what you’re hearing on the podcast, you've got to come and join us in the Bloom Room. This is a year-round membership where we take all of these concepts, and we apply them to real life. In a community where we have each other's backs, and we bring out the best in each other. We're all there to make our ideas real, one idea at a time. 

I'll see you in the Bloom Room.