Bloom Your Mind

Ep 115: Turning a No into a Yes

• Marie McDonald

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Grace was sitting across from me, with her hands wrapped around a mug of tea. Our session was first thing in the morning for both of us, and I could imagine that the rain that I could see falling so consistently in gentle waves outside my office window was falling just outside the window in her office too. 

“It’s disorienting” she was saying. “This new feeling is disorienting.” 

She was describing the change that has happened inside of her over the past couple of years in the Bloom Room and coaching one-on-one with me, as she’s become more and more clear on who she is and what she wants. 

“All of the sudden”, she said, “there are things that I can’t follow through on, even if I want myself to. Because I know they’re not true for me. All of the sudden my clients are asking me for things, and I hear myself saying  that I’ll only use materials that are ethically and sustainably sourced, and that don’t bring microplastics that will impact people’s health…into their homes. 

I’ve never said that out loud to a client before. I don’t even really know what happened- I just said no.” 

“All of the sudden, if it’s a no for me, I know it. Clearly. And I can’t ignore it anymore. 

And that feels really good and amazing, and also…NOW what do I do?” 

This has been a progression for Grace and for so many of my clients as they find the ways that they’re not listening to themselves. As they see how they’re overriding their instinct and internal guidance, and once they see them, as they begin to make different choices. But what happens when we start being able to hear our hell no’s more and more clearly? What do we do when are hands are full of no’s? 

That’s what today’s episode is all about. 

What you’ll learn on this episode: 

  • Why knowing your list of no-go’s in life is incredibly valuable 
  • Why we are more likely to know our no’s than our yeses 
  • How a list of no’s can become the big idea you want to make real in the world
  • Why the ideas that come from a “no” are sometimes the most authentic ones 
  • How our list of no’s turned inside out becomes a project plan 
  • Three ways you can get support turning your Big Idea into a real thing

How to connect with Marie:

JOIN THE BLOOM ROOM!
We'll take all these ideas and apply them to our lives. Follow me on Instagram at @the.bloom.coach to learn more and snag a spot in my group coaching program!

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Bloom your Mind Podcast, where we take all of your ideas for what you want and we turn them into real things. I'm your host, certified Coach Marie McDonald. Let's get into it. Hello, my friends, Welcome to episode number 115 of the Bloom your Mind podcast.

Speaker 1:

I'm wearing a bright pink sweater with big pink hoops because I'm recording this on Valentine's Day and it was so fun today to go to school and see all of the pink and the red that everybody was wearing. I also have these platform Doc Martin boots that I wear sometimes and I lace them up with pink ribbons today. How you like that Going for it? I'm helping in my child's Valentine's Day party classroom today, so I thought why not dress for it? Huh, I have a funny story for you before we get in today's content, which I'm really excited about because it's been really helpful for my people lately.

Speaker 1:

So we all know that it's really important for our mental health to practice gratitude, and there's more and more information coming out. When we are making an idea real in our lives, we are so much more likely to find success. Whether that's a project or a habit change or a relationship change or a perspective change in ourselves, we are so much more likely to make that change when we practice gratitude for the things around us and when we practice recognizing the progress that we've made over and over and over again. So I'm a big fan of things in my life that trigger me to practice gratitude. So my son made bracelets for all of his classmates for Valentine's and the bracelets had words on them. And so words like joy, words like peace, calm his favorite one was good vibes and there was one that said grateful and he was making these bracelets and I told him you know, I tend to like lay out the word and then put the letters on from the end of the word first. And he was doing that and he was like are you sure? And I said yeah, and I was making a bracelet with him and he said are you really sure, mama? And I said yeah, and then he said but mama, look, and he holds up the bracelet with the beads on it and I look over at it and it says Lufa Targ. And my daughter and my son and I all looked at it and realized that it was the word grateful spelled backwards and we started laughing so hard and saying the word out loud and I was laughing so hard I was crying, and so he turned that bracelet fail into a bracelet for me that I am wearing that says Lufa Targ, because now I have a reminder, not only to practice gratitude all day long, but something that really makes me laugh when I look down at it and I'm so excited to show it to people and see if anyone can figure out what this word is. This child, when he was a small child, he used to say, instead of I'm dead serious, he would say I'm hot serious. So we say that when we're really serious I'm hot, serious about that. And now we will say I'm practicing Lufa Targ today for all the things that I'm grateful for. Maybe those things will make you laugh too.

Speaker 1:

So I have a story for you to introduce today's topic. I was sitting across from Grace I say that meaning that we were sitting across the Zoom screen from one another, and some of my clients and I meet in person, some meet over Zoom. And so here we were, over Zoom, and she had her hands wrapped around a mug of tea. Our session was first thing in the morning for both of us. And so here we were, over Zoom, and she had her hands wrapped around a mug of tea. Our session was first thing in the morning for both of us and I could imagine that the rain that I could see finally falling so consistently in these like gentle waves outside my office window, I could imagine that that was probably falling also just outside the window in her office too. That was you know what she was looking out at behind her screen, because we live in the same city. So there's this rain falling. It's morning, we're holding tea and coffee and she said it's disorienting. That's what she was saying. This new feeling, she said, is disorienting. That's what she was saying. This new feeling, she said, is disorienting. What she was describing is the change that has happened inside of her over the past couple of years, during her work in the bloom room and coaching one-on-one with me, as she's become more and more clear on who she is and on what she wants. She's more and more clear on what her yeses are and what her no's are.

Speaker 1:

All of a sudden, she said there are things that I can't follow through on, even if I want myself to, because I know that they're not for me, they're not true for me, they're a no, and I used to be able to push past that feeling and I literally can't anymore. And here I am sitting across the screen and I got chills when she said that All of a sudden she said my clients are asking me for things and I hear myself saying things like I'll only use materials that are ethically and sustainably sourced and that don't bring microplastics that will impact your family's health into your home. I've never said that out loud to a client before. She said I just all of a sudden said no because I can't say yes anymore. All of a sudden it's a no for me and I know it clearly and I can't ignore it anymore. And that feels really good and amazing and also disorienting. What do I do next? Now? I know a lot of things that are a no for me. Now what do I do? As I said, this gave me the chills because I have gone through this exact process and it is so amazing.

Speaker 1:

What happens is the more clear you get on your yeses and your no's and the more you progress towards being able to hear them more clearly and act on them and honor them, the cleaner your life becomes. You're only doing things that you actually want to be doing and you are not doing things that you do not. You only say things that are true for you. The manipulation, or trying to make people feel a certain way, goes away. Even the good, you know, the manipulation that we call good Like I'm just trying to make someone feel good All of those things go away, and the more they leave you, the more they shed off of you. Then synchronicities in life begin to happen. Things feel like magic. Things become easy because you're clean and clear. You know exactly where you're going and what your goals are. You're taking actions toward them that feel flowy and easy. You're in this natural, authentic flow state all the time, or most of the time.

Speaker 1:

For my client, this has been a progression for Grace and for so many of my clients, of finding ways that they're not listening to themselves one by one and sort of chipping them off. They're not overriding their instinct and their internal guidance anymore and once they see the ways that they have been overriding those yeses and noes, they begin to make different choices. So, as we're doing this work, what happens when we start being able to hear all of our hell noes start setting boundaries and we look down and we have our hands out in front of us, right, and our hands are full of nose. What do we do with them? Well, that's what today's episode is all about, because you can take your nose and do something really special with them that leads to exactly where you want to go. So I'm going to give you an exercise to do today. That's super simple. That really helps my people and helps me.

Speaker 1:

Take all of your no's. Take a piece of paper and actually divide it with one line down the middle. Or, if you're on a document, you can create two columns and on one column yeah, a document. On the computer you can list all of your no's. Now, these can be about a project that you're working on, a relationship, a vision that you have for your life, a business you're starting, whatever. List all of your no's.

Speaker 1:

So for Grace, it was no to microplastics in the home. No to the alienation that comes from having no idea who or what or where the materials or history of the objects in my home came from. The materials or history of the objects in my home came from. No to things breaking and falling apart because they were made with fast production. No to what that fast production represents for the lives of the people who make things that are not made well and that have a huge environmental footprint for large shipping distances, and we don't know what the labor laws are for the people who made them. So now we have all these no's, what do we do? We put them all together. You sew all of your no's together into a patchwork quilt, because when you flip that quilt over, do you know what you have? You have a quilt of all of your yeses, just like that, and those yeses become the map to your future. It's like the panels of a painting all coming together and all of a sudden you can see the full picture.

Speaker 1:

All of your yeses become the idea that you want to make real in the world. They can be this beautiful compass pointing to what's most important to you in life or in any specific thing. That points you to what your vision is for that thing or for your life, for that relationship, for that project, for that business, for that book, for that community, for your life. All of your yeses lined up create your vision that you turn into the idea that you're making real. It's the idea for your life, the contribution you want to make, the impact you can have in the world. That idea is the combination of your deep passions, your yeses, what you stand for, what you stand for your longing, meeting what the world needs. Because our no's are super important to help us see that. That picture of all your yeses, that picture that all your yeses make that's your big idea. We don't have to start from the no's but but often nose are what our brain gives us. Naturally we don't want to ignore those. They're super important. This is a productive thing to do with your nose.

Speaker 1:

Here's some different things before we get into some examples of how to do this and close out here. First of all, the tuning in to the yeses and the nos takes work. Many of us have been told to ignore and tune out our nos, especially people socialized as women in our culture in the United States. I know people are listening to this all over the world, but that is the perspective that I am speaking from, so I will speak from that, and I know that that aligns with how women are socialized in a lot of different cultures, in different ways that we are told to ignore and override, tune out, talk ourselves out of the things that are a hard no for us. So it takes work to tune back into those no's and that work in areas where we have the privilege to be able to act on those no's and and you know, we can all listen to them. And if we live in a country and in a place where we have enough privilege to be able to act on the no's, that becomes a pathway to freedom. Just hearing those no's, no matter where we are, is the beginning of this pathway.

Speaker 1:

And no's, like I said, come more easily to us because our brains are wired for negativity. They have an 85% negativity bias and we are constantly scanning for threats. Depending on which brain is housed in your body, you might have a brain that scans even you know, really scans for threats all the time, based on whatever your lived experience has been and what your personality is like, or a brain that scans for threats a little bit less, but in general, all of us do so. No's are a thing to celebrate. They tell you what's not in line with your authentic, authentic self, your desire, your values. So here's the exercise for anything, for a project, a life choice, an idea you're building, a relationship you're calling in, we can leverage our brain's negativity bias instead of fighting against it. When we have a lot of no's in our mind. We have clarity. We just need to work with those no's.

Speaker 1:

So start, like I said earlier, by listing all of your no's in a column. They are your golden tickets. Knowing your no's is so valuable. Look at them, appreciate them, understand them when you can. And now, next to your list of no's, when they're all out there, related to whatever it is you're thinking about, all out there, related to whatever it is you're thinking about, whatever that topic is your whole life or a specific topic. Now we're going to ask, for each one of those no's, what is your yes? For every no, you have a yes. You flip the coin over and you have the things that are in line with your values, your authentic and highest self and your true desires line with your values, your authentic and highest self and your true desires. On the other side of that coin. That no coin is a yes that represents what you stand for.

Speaker 1:

So if, for example, for my client Grace, if the no's are no to microplastics in the home, then the yes is to natural fibers and materials that are healthy for the body to be around. If there's a no to alienation that comes from having no idea who or what or where, the materials or history the objects in a home came from. The yes is filling homes with objects and furniture that has a clear history, that we know who made it, we know where it came from. If it's a no to things breaking and falling apart, then the yes is a yes to maybe vintage things or reused things, recycled objects that are made with more solid materials. Let's take another couple of examples. Let's look at an example. I'm going to take three examples here. The first one is the example of family culture.

Speaker 1:

If I were going to do turning the no's into yes's exercise for my family culture and I were to begin to list the things that are no's for me, for my family culture, I might list things like no to fighting. You know arguing, fighting and harsh tones with one another. So my yes might be learning communication norms that everybody agrees to. Around navigating conflict, we all get to say, hey, try that again, or I'm going to walk away, or let's sit down and use a talking stick. If the no is no to all being in different rooms on different screens, growing up in a family culture where we're just like kind of separate and siloed, then the yes is I say yes to a home that doesn't have TVs in it. I say yes to my kids not having their own iPads that are available to them when they're in the house, and I say yes to games and really like consciously creating activities where we're together. If my no is being too busy to see each other, then my yes is saying is actually planning clear calendars where we prioritize the family being together, where we prioritize the family being together. If my no is no to judging one another and no to parenting where the kids learn a lot about who you want them to be, then my yes is parenting in a way where we get really excited about what our kids are interested in and we support their interests and we're really careful not to project onto them. So our yes for not projecting is real mindfulness as we're talking to our kids and compassion with ourselves because we're going to mess up. So that's the big idea. It becomes this thing that's a family space that's non-judgmental, that's connected, that is slow and we really honor each other with our communication. So that's my big idea and now I can break it down into steps and start working towards it.

Speaker 1:

Okay, two more examples. If my example is a new career, I might list out all the things that I don't want. It's fine to start from the yeses, too, for today's practice we're really just talking about, if your brain is full of no's, how to make those valuable. No to overworking and burnout Well then my yes would be finding a job or changing my job so that I have very clear work hours and boundaries times that I come in and leave work, lunch breaks and times where, and a really clear differentiation between what is on my phone that is going to pop up during non-work hours. If I have a no to power dynamics with bosses that don't feel good, then my yes is finding a workspace or working to sort of like evolve my relationship at work so that I can manage up and talk to my boss, sharing feedback about what feels good, what doesn't feel good and the changes that I'd like to see to feel more supported. Or, if I am a boss, I'm gonna be those things right.

Speaker 1:

No to feeling like I'm underpaid Well then my yes is to advocating for my own pay equality and making sure that I'm in a role where I am financially valued at the same level that I'm giving out. No to feeling out of integrity. Well, that's just going to be a no to some roles. My yes is to finding a role, finding work that feels like I'm spending the hours of my day and my life doing something that I'm proud of. All of those together become the vision for the changes I want to make to my current role or to the job that I'm looking for, the career change that I'm looking for Now. My confirmation bias, my opportunity bias these are all going to kick in to help me find what I'm looking for, to help me recognize opportunities to say yes that are in line with that thing, and help me stand fast in my nose when things are not in line with what I'm looking for. And then, lastly, this example is very real. This is my own example. This is an example about the sort of relationship between people that I want to see in the world and community and what I want to happen for the human beings around me and in the world.

Speaker 1:

I have a no to being in silos and feeling like we're going through it all alone. I'm a big no to people being less and less comfortable being seen for who they are by the people around them. I'm a big no to people living out expectations made on them by their family, their social and economic systems and never really becoming who they want to be. I'm a no to people being so afraid to fail that they keep their brilliant ideas in their heads and never act on them. I'm a no to people feeling anxious, unfulfilled, burned out and depressed. No to chronic pain and illness, no to tribalism and people othering each other and spending their free time fighting online. I'm a no to that and I'm a no to people being disempowered. Out of all those no's, I flipped them over and turned them in yeses and I came up with the bloom room Just like that, the vision for this thing that has become what I'm putting all my work and love into and that feels so good. It's so in line with my values and my vision for what I want to contribute to the world. It's a yes to people feeling connected and like they're not going through it alone, normalizing the challenges that we face. It's a yes to people being comfortable, being seen and being vulnerable. A yes because they do it in the room and that normalizes it and they realize they can be themselves.

Speaker 1:

I'm a yes to people finding out what expectations they've been living out that are not theirs, and I'm a yes to people becoming who they want to be, not what's expected of them. I'm a yes to people developing failure tolerance so that they can put their brilliant ideas into the world and the world becomes a better place. I'm a yes to people Limiting their feelings of anxiety and having tools to be able to manage those. I'm a yes to boundaries. I'm a yes to people saying yes to things that regenerate their energy. I'm a yes to people setting those boundaries in such a way that they lessen or lose, actually, their chronic pain. And I'm a yes to people searching for the commonalities between us and the bridges, instead of othering each other. I'm a yes to people being empowered, so I put my daily work into that. That's an example of how you can do this in a big way with what do I want to see in the world, and it can turn into something very tangible, like it did for me.

Speaker 1:

So no's are so valuable. Love them up and look at them, list them out related to anything, and then flip them over to the other side of your coin and you will find all of your yeses. If you get all those yeses and you have a big idea, you want to have help making your big idea real, get into the Bloom Room. We will help you. If you want help in the day-to-day, want some systems to help you stay productive and moving forward, I have a daily planner that goes for a year, starting any day in the year, working around 90-day goals that is coming out in the next couple of weeks that you can buy and use every single day. That is a tool that's available to you.

Speaker 1:

If you have a big idea that you want to make real a business or a book or a whole life change, get on the wait list for the Moxie Mastermind. This is a six month program to support your big idea. It's a small group of people starting businesses, moving their lives, their careers, changing careers, writing books, starting nonprofits, starting community gathering spaces, creating albums, online courses, starting families or just changing their self-concept entirely. A bigger, multi-step idea that you want to make real, come on into the Moxie Mastermind. We start with an in-person retreat and we work together for six months in a more intimate setting with my eyes on your project plans, tools that I give you to make those ideas real, small group, weekly coaching and really high touch support. So when you have a big idea that you're ready to make real.

Speaker 1:

I got you. Just contact me more thebloomcoach on Instagram for any of details on any of these. This is what I've got for you this week your yeses, your no's, how both of those, hand in hand, lead you to your big idea and contributions that you want to make to the world, or changes you want to make to your life that are in line with your values and who you are. All right, everybody. That's what I've got for you this week and I will see you next week. If you like what you're hearing on the podcast, you gotta come and join us in the Bloom Room. This is a year-round membership where we take all of these concepts and we apply them to real life in a community where we have each other's backs and we bring out the best in each other. We're all there to make our ideas real, one idea at a time. I'll see you in the Bloom room.