Bloom Your Mind

Ep 125: The Practice

• Marie McDonald

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Zoe is in the middle of a conversation with her partner. She’s annoyed and frustrated and is reminded of a series of other things that she feels annoyed and frustrated about in her relationship. They’re all connected by the feeling of annoyance…like pulling on a string and finding all the examples connected to it. She wants to tell him about each and every one until…

All of the sudden she realizes something. The string connecting all of these annoying things is not actually him. Even though he’s there in each instance, HE is not actually the thread. SHE is. The thing that connects all of these instances of being annoyed is HER; the one feeling them. She’s the one experiencing all of these things as annoying. SHE is the common denominator, not her partner. 

She doesn’t like feeling this way. 

Her instinct is to tell him he’s responsible for ALL of it. 

For all of the ways that he annoys her. 

But once she realizes that she is actually the common thread, she pauses. 

She remembers that describing the way she feels in detail is really a way of escaping the feeling. That it only makes the frustration bigger, and worse. 

Describing it isn’t actually feeling it.  

It’s running away from it. 
And she’s not into running away. 

So instead, she uses the practice. 

Jose uses the practice when he realizes the eggshells he’s walking on aren’t her eggshells, they’re his own. 

Sarah uses the practice instead of jumping into DOING during an anxiety ridden morning. 

Jazelle uses the practice when the voices of a patriarchal upbringing make her doubt her ability to be a founder and CEO. 

I do the practice first thing every morning, as much a ritual as brushing my teeth. 

What you’ll learn in this episode: 

  • The two tools that are my ride-or-die go-to’s 
  • Why breathing or taking a minute away from challenges isn’t enough 
  • How to turn down analytical thinking to create space for the Practice 
  • The three most important components of the Practice 
  • Questions to ask ourselves that unravel intolerable emotions 
  • Four times to apply the practice 
  • How to metabolize a feeling and transmute it into something that serves you 

How to connect with Marie:

JOIN THE BLOOM ROOM!
We'll take all these ideas and apply them to our lives. Follow me on Instagram at @the.bloom.coach to learn more and snag a spot in my group coaching program!

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Bloom your Mind Podcast, where we take all of your ideas for what you want and we turn them into real things. I'm your host, certified Coach Marie McDonald. Let's get into it. Hello, my friends, and welcome to episode 125, the Practice.

Speaker 1:

When we're making any idea real, there are two tools that are my ride or dies. One is the model which you've heard on episode 18, a cognitive framing device that works in every situation for every person to look at how we are creating the results in our life through the system of our brain and body. The model is an incredibly useful tool in a few different ways. It is an incredible predictive tool to look ahead and anticipate how we are going to approach a situation, what we are going to create in the system of our body through our approach and what the result will be. And with that predictive lens, we can alter our approach, to use our brain to work for us instead of against us as we move forward in trying to make our ideas for what we want real, whether those are ideas that just apply to who we want to be in the world, our relationships, or whether they are real, tangible ideas like starting a business or writing a book or whatever, starting a community, whatever you got. The model is also an incredible reflective tool to understand after the fact, by doing a retro and looking at what worked in that situation. What was I thinking? What did I create in the system of my body that actually created my actions and the results that I am experiencing now? Is that what I want? What do I want to do differently next time? How can I put a system in place, a plan in place, to make sure that I handle this differently next time? And lastly, it is an incredible in the moment tool. When we use what I call with my clients the pause and we realize in a moment that we are either feeling in a way that we don't want to, we're thinking something that's not super helpful to us, or we're acting in a way that we're not super proud of, or even in the moment we're getting a result that isn't great for us, we can pause and use the model right then and there to actually change directions in the moment and create a different result. And actually there's one more way we can use it and that is to clean house. I use the model every day to clean out the brain that I have, to sweep out all the dust from under the couch and look at what's in there. Is it helpful, is it not? What would be more helpful, I'm going to like clean out my purse. I've used that metaphor before using the model to write everything down that's in my brain, underline the things that I want to look at, see what result they would create through how they would impact the system of my body and my actions, and then create something different by starting the beginning of the day, or starting even before I've gone into any kind of action on a thing, by cleaning out my brain. So this is the model. You can hear much more detail about that in episode 18.

Speaker 1:

And today we're talking about the practice. The practice is a tool to use any time, day in and day out, any moment of your day, to become more present as a human in a body. The practice is a tool that I use very intentionally every single morning and then again, like the model, I use it systematically throughout my day in the moments when I need it. It's like an antidote to moments where I'm feeling off. It is something that is also like a lens to look through to understand what's happening with me in a moment and I use it all day, every day, with my clients. So between these two tools, you have the most fundamental things that you need to turn any idea into a real thing, and everything else just makes it easier and faster and better. Icing on the cake. So let's look at some examples of the practice. The practice is a way to understand the animating presence of your body, to drop down into the animating presence of your body and get curious about what's going on. So we're going to look at some examples of when it's appropriate to use it and then I am going to go through exactly how to use the practice any moment that you need it.

Speaker 1:

So, zoe, she's in the middle of a conversation with her partner and you know I use the word conversation loosely. We could call it an argument. Maybe it's getting a little bit heated. We've all been there. You can think about maybe a moment that you've been there.

Speaker 1:

She feels an urge to say a million different things because she's annoyed and she's frustrated. And those feelings of annoyance and frustrated, those feelings are reminding her of all the other things that are annoying to her and frustrating to her. And all of those things are so true, they're so annoying, they're so frustrating. There's so many moments with her partner where she feels annoyed and frustrated. She's connecting the way that she feels in that moment to all of those other instances of annoyance and frustration. And they're so relevant because they're all connected. It's like there's a string that's tying all those moments of frustration together and she can see them all, like looking off into the distance and seeing them all lined up. That was frustrating and that was frustrating, and that was frustrating and that was frustrating. And they're all connected by this string of my partner. And this thing that's annoying me right now she thinks is one in a series of all of those things that I want to mention to my partner that annoy me. And all of a sudden she's about to go into it.

Speaker 1:

Zoe's about to tell him all of the things that are so frustrating to her and all of a sudden she realizes that that string, that thread that's connecting all of those annoying things, is not actually him. He's the one that's there every time, besides her. He is not the thread. The thread is Zoe. Zoe is the thing that connects all of those instances of being frustrated and annoyed and she realizes it all of a sudden. She's like, oh, it's me. The common thread is not him. The common thread is me. And Zoe thinks I don't like feeling this way. My instinct right now is to tell him all of the things that I'm frustrated about. I want to tell them, tell them all of them. But once she realizes that she's the common thread, she pauses, she decides not to tell him about all of those things because she realizes that that would actually just be her acting out all of her feelings. It would be her acting out all those feelings of frustration by talking about them and telling them and describing them and giving evidence of all of the frustrations. And she remembers that if she acts it out, she's not actually feeling the frustration. And she's not into running away because she's been listening to the Bloom your Mind podcast. So instead she uses the practice that was Zoe.

Speaker 1:

All right, let's look at Jose. It's right before a hard conversation. Jose has made an appointment with this person in his life and he's about to talk to her and, oh, he's got all of these butterflies in his stomach because Jose always feels like he's walking on eggshells with this other person. What am I going to say wrong? What am I going to say that this other person is going to react to in a weird way and his instinct is to just start stacking all of the reasons up, all of the guesses that he has that she might want to talk to him.

Speaker 1:

Jose's instinct is he watches his mind actually start doing it, it's to start guessing why she might want to talk to him and all of the things that might've upset her. He thinks, oh, what if I said something that upset her? Oh, maybe it was the other day when I did this thing and I didn't anticipate what she needed. Oh, maybe it was this other day. Maybe she's upset about this other thing. And he starts watching his mind. He starts realizing that he's going through all of the reasons that he should be dancing on eggshells. He sits on the couch and he feels the butterflies in his stomach and then he realizes wait, I felt these before, these butterflies. There's butterflies and there's eggshells. And all of a sudden he realizes I'm the one that's feeling these butterflies. These are not actually her eggshells, these are my eggshells. I can't control how she acts, what she thinks or what she says. I'm the one that's walking on eggshells. These are my eggshells. And so he pauses and he uses the practice All right. Now let's move to Sarah.

Speaker 1:

It's the morning and Sarah has a million things swirling in her head. She wakes up. She wakes up out of an anxiety dream. She's like, oh, what is this weird combination of reality and fantasy? That was a weird dream and it was super stressful and it's replaying through her mind and she sits for too long in her bed and actually allows the whole dream to replay because it was so weird. And she replays it all. And right after that she's getting up and she starts to think about all of the things that she has to do that day. There are lunches that she needs to order, there are shoes that were left at the neighbor's house, there are cars that need air in the tires, and that's just like getting to school to drop off the kids. There's also the 50 things that are waiting for her on her to-do list, 25 of which she'll never have time to do today at work. And she starts buzzing and buzzing and thinking about all of the things that are later in the week.

Speaker 1:

And her instinct with all this anxiety and all of this buzzing in her head, sarah's instinct is to just jump into the day and start doing the things right. She's going to start taking care of business. She jumps up, she starts plugging in the toaster and she starts reading her text. She opens up her phone. She reads her text right away. She starts reading her emails. She starts making breakfast and then she thinks, oh, I feel this ick. And she pauses because she remembers she doesn't want to feel this way. She doesn't want to start the day like this. This might be how she automatically started the day, but that doesn't matter, because she's not going to let this day grab her and drive her. She's in charge, she's got sovereignty, she's the boss. So she takes the wheel, she drops that piece of toast she's about to put in that toaster. She turns her phone upside down so she can't even see that glowing light. She sits on the couch and she uses the practice.

Speaker 1:

Giselle's about to meet with the bank to look at the loan docs for the new business that she is going to start. She's going to figure out what kind of loan that she qualifies for and she starts to feel the doubt come up. She's a mom and she thinks of the faces of her brothers, her uncles, her husband, who are all businessmen and who all always have told her that she's so cute for having her own thing. They kind of smirk at each other and smile in such a supportive, loving way because she's so cute for having her own business, and she feels this weird feeling in her shoulders and in her neck. She starts like ugh, feeling this creepy, like I'm not going to be able to do it. They're probably right. What am I doing? What am I doing? And she's like no, no, no, I'm not going to feel that. And she starts to shut it down. She's like stop it, stop it, stop it. And she goes to open the door to go into the bank and she pauses and she remembers that if she shoves down this feeling, it's only going to get bigger and worse. So she shuts off the car, she closes the door, cracks the windows, sits in the parking lot for just a couple minutes before she goes inside and she uses the practice.

Speaker 1:

Y'all I do the practice me personally every single day, first thing in the morning, I use the practice. It's like brushing my teeth. I will not leave the house without brushing my teeth. I will not want to be annoyed, I don't want to walk into this big, beautiful world and a day full of things that I have planned and people that I love and people that I need to collaborate with, without using the practice first, because that's like walking into my day with a real mess that I'm just giving to everybody around me. I want to have a fresh, clean, intentional presence, and so I use the practice. Every morning I'm going to tell you how to do it.

Speaker 1:

It's not just about breathing, it's not just about taking a minute, which I hear us tell children all the time hold on, just breathe, hold on, just take a minute. It's about turning down our analytical thinking mind 100% and giving all of our attention to the sensations in our body. So I sit down first thing in the morning, I light a candle and I go inside and I check out what's there with curiosity, with compassion and, most importantly, with non-judgment. This is the practice, with non-judgment, going into your body and walking towards whatever is there with a desire to know more about it, with curiosity. That is the practice. Curiosity, that is the practice. All of the situations that I just described are real clients that I work with that have experienced incredible relief and so much more success turning their ideas into real things because they now use the practice. They use the model and they use the practice.

Speaker 1:

But it is not just taking a few breaths, because sometimes we can just breathe and shove our feelings down. And it's not just about taking a minute, because oftentimes we take a minute and we convince ourselves that things are actually worse off than they are. Or we don't feel our feelings. We just think through all of the reasons why we're feeling the way we feel, all of the reasons why we're feeling the way we feel. The practice is turning down the volume knob on our thinking mind and dropping 100% of our attention down into the sensations of our body, with non-judgment, with curiosity, with the intent to understand. I always do it by closing my eyes and dropping literally down.

Speaker 1:

It's like I have to be below my neck, it's in my chest, it's in my stomach, it's somewhere, it's not in my head, with the questions what are you? Where are you? Tell me about you. What's going on? Why are you here? I want to know what you have to say. I'm glad you're here. Tell me, if the word you doesn't work, it's like what is this? Tell me? I want to find out about this. Why is it here? What does it have to say? What's this feeling? What's the sensation? What color is it? Is it vibrating? Is it still? Is it moving? What does it have to say? What does it want me to know?

Speaker 1:

When we do this, we're doing it from a place of sovereignty. We are in charge, we are the host, we are the driver, we are the interviewer, we are the parent. We are the driver, we are the interviewer, we are the parent, we are the teacher. We are here to find out what's up and we are grateful that the sensations and the information and the feelings, the emotions in our body, we are grateful that they are there, we are hosting them, they are visiting and we want to know because, from an evolutionary perspective and we want to know Because, from an evolutionary perspective, they are invaluable, they are data every single day. The practice is to gather the data what's going on in the system of our body, what's going on in the system of our brain? You are in charge.

Speaker 1:

When you go in to find out more with curiosity about what's going on in your feeling state, in your body, in your emotions, you don't become your feeling. You get to understand it because you're not afraid. You're just understanding the vibe. What's there, what's going on, what's up with me? And most of the time, most of those mornings, most of the times, when I go inside, that feeling fades so quickly, just because it wanted to be touched, it subsides and then I decide how I want to feel. I like to think of myself like a lion. That is just like consuming the feeling in a good way, like I want it. I'm like eating it. I'm like it's like a desire, like a dragon. You're just like eating it and then you're or you're inhaling it, and then inside of me I metabolize it. I turn it into something else, like a chemist, right? Or this fierce beast, this lion. I just use the practice to consume and metabolize that feeling and then let it go again, breathe it back out, breathe it in as whatever it is out, breathe it in as whatever it is, hold it, figure it out, welcome it, hug it Whatever it needs. Let it tell me what it needs to tell me, get the information right, and then release it again. If it wants to hang out and stay with me, that's all right. Just let it hang out.

Speaker 1:

I use the practice every single morning in the early hours, with that candle, with the quiet around me and a warm mug in my hands. I do it before a hard conversation. You can do it in the morning yourself. You can do it before a hard conversation or when you're flooding in the middle of one. You can actually just say, hey, let me take a minute and step away and actually use the practice before you go back to your loved one and figure out what the conflict is. You can do it when you're about to put your idea into the world, when you're trying something new, when you're taking a risk, when you're letting yourself be seen.

Speaker 1:

Pause and use the practice. Let others use it too. Ask them what are you feeling, what's going on? Let children see you do it. Teach children the practice. The more you do it day in and day out, the calmer and more grounded you will be. And that place, that calm, grounded place, is where you make ideas real from. That's the practice and that's what I've got for you this week and I will see you next week. If you like what you're hearing on the podcast, you gotta come and join us in the balloon room. This is a year-round membership where we take all of these concepts and we apply them to real life in a community where we have each other's backs and we bring out the best in each other. We're all there to make our ideas real, one idea at a time. I'll see you in the bloom room, thank you.