Bloom Your Mind

Ep 126: What's your Story?

• Marie McDonald

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A friend of mine told a story a few months ago that has stuck with me in that way that a story does. I keep seeing echoes of it everywhere. I see expressions and examples of the point he was making in the coaching that my clients need, in my own life and mindset, and in the stories I hear from the people around me. 

He told a story about a family who came to him and said that another family had a terrible experience at their school. My friend was confused because he knew that family, and while they did experience a specific challenge, the end result of their journey was incredibly happy and content. He went for coffee with the family that he knew and gently asked some questions. “Why did you only tell the negative part of the story?” he said. “The part that created a bad impression for this other family, and why leave out the happy ending, where everything was resolved?” 

“I don’t know.” Said his friend, a little sheepishly. “It’s just what came out of my mouth.” 

In a world where words create reality for ourselves and the people around us, understanding what part of the story we are choosing to tell is the difference between creation and destruction; connection and alienation. 

What you’ll learn in this episode about the story we tell: 

  • How it is a reflection of our self-concept and the beliefs we have about ourselves 
  • How it shows what lens we tend to take on circumstances 
  • How it impacts the health of our relationships, especially when we’re in a rut with someone in our lives 
  • The impact that the story we tell has on the ideas we’re trying to make real 
  • How to observe our story with compassion and non-judgment, so that we can actually make the changes we want to see 
  • Questions we can ask ourselves to make our story lens clear, and to question whether it’s the lens we actually want to have. 

Mentioned in this episode 

  • Anthony Thomas and “A long way from the block” 
  • Nostalgia for now  
  • The Bloom Room

How to connect with Marie:

JOIN THE BLOOM ROOM!
We'll take all these ideas and apply them to our lives. Follow me on Instagram at @the.bloom.coach to learn more and snag a spot in my group coaching program!

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Bloom your Mind Podcast, where we take all of your ideas for what you want and we turn them into real things. I'm your host, certified Coach Marie McDonald. Let's get into it. Hello everybody, and welcome to episode number 126 of the Bloom your Mind podcast.

Speaker 1:

Focus on which part of the story do you tell? Before we get into that, I'll just tell you that it is the end of the school year in our family and there is so much going on. Oh my gosh. Just last week I was dressed up in both a flower crown for a Maypole celebration and a like hooded cape for a medieval knighting ceremony for my middle schooler, where they each were given their own knighthood, they were recognized for their gifts and their strengths and we cooked for this giant feast. We are having a gala coming up.

Speaker 1:

There's just so much going on in the world of family and also so much going on in lots of organizations and businesses and lives, as seasons change right and we get ready for summer. So if you are out there juggling lots of things that are wonderful things and that are balls in the air that aren't usually there, I am with you and we are all with you and I have just been putting so much of my love and attention into both, trying to be present for it, because I feel like often it feels like so much when we're in it and there's also a sense of timelessness when we are in things, meaning we're not super aware that this thing is only happening once ever in the exact iteration we are in, and there are finite sort of iterations of the thing. So if I'm talking about, let's say, the gala right for this school that I go to I've been to three of them before. This is the only one that I've ever led. I helped with the last years and it seems, because I've been to a few, that they'll kind of go on stretched into the future forever. But truly there's a finite number of these where the people that I love are all there and who knows who will be there and who will not next year. People move, lives change, all kinds of things can happen right, and so I just remind myself to not take for granted the thing that is happening in front of me right now, because it could change so much sooner than I expect or I could just sort of be moving through it, taking it for granted in some way, and then look back at it and think, oh my gosh, I missed that thing right. I wish I had been more present for it. I wish I had realized how special it was when I was in it. And so in all of these moments I practice nostalgia for now as much as I can.

Speaker 1:

There is a podcast episode about this tool I use it in the bloom room and with my clients a lot which is simply to take that unique overlay, that human perspective of nostalgia. Maybe it, I don't know, maybe other animals have this too. Right, but this perspective that is very unique of nostalgia which we have for things in our past. For me, when I have the sense of nostalgia, it is sort of rose colored, it is slightly foggy, you know, not totally in focus. It is this golden, warm. I just said rose colored and golden, but you get what I mean. It's like this kind of sparkly filter on things that have happened where I really remember with warmth and connection the wonderful parts of past experiences that I've had and I appreciate them so clearly. And so I love bringing that lens of gratitude and wanting and almost longing that comes with nostalgia for the things that I am experiencing now. How does that change for us when we actually experience a longing for the life that we have right now. Just consider that for a moment a wanting. What is it like? How do things change when you deeply want, when you long for, when you desire what you are already living?

Speaker 1:

So I love practicing this nostalgia for now, and the other thing that I'm doing, in addition to being very present in all of it, is to do things for myself. So I am also starting a blood sugar program that's about six weeks long to help me understand dietary impact on my body and understand nutrition a little bit better and blood sugar levels and sort of you know, habits and patterns, including exercise, and how that spikes cortisol, and how habits and patterns of waking and sleeping and drinking water and all these things impact the ecosystem of our body. So I'm so excited for that and it's a gift I'm giving myself. For the next six weeks, maybe I will find that it is relevant to share with you through an episode or two on here, or maybe I'll just share anecdotally how I'm enjoying it here and on social media, but that is something that I'm doing for myself. So those are my two thoughts as we head into this summer season and the changing of the season, which always feels a little bustly. How can you practice nostalgia for the moments that you are in and what small ways can you honor yourself and give yourself some love and attention while you're in it?

Speaker 1:

Today I just want to tell a quick story and share a perspective with you about really considering the part of the story that you tell. So I have told this anecdote on the podcast before long ago. But there is a teacher at my school who's an incredible influencer of the culture there. He's quite amazing. We call him coach. His name is actually Anthony Thomas. He has his own podcast, he coaches lots of sports, is a community leader there and he's quite amazing.

Speaker 1:

And you know he told a story about a family that goes to the school that shared with another family something negative that happened. And he heard from the second family the ones that heard the story and he heard them say oh, we heard about this thing that happened and we really don't think that that was a good situation. We don't know about that school. And coach said wait a minute, what I know that family and I know what happened. And they actually in his head he was like they were so happy and all of that got resolved. I'm wondering why this family didn't hear about the whole thing.

Speaker 1:

And he sees the family that the story was about and he goes out for coffee with one of them. They're chatting for a while and then he says you know, hey, man, I talked to this family and I'm just so curious, like this is what they told me about your family's experience, but this is all that they knew it was the bad part. And the other family said oh, yeah, yeah, I just told him about that part. And coach said well, why didn't you tell him the whole story, including the most important part, which is that the challenges that you experienced were completely resolved and your family was super happy with their experience? And the other family said well, I don't know, I just I don't know why I didn't tell that part, I just didn't.

Speaker 1:

And ever since he told me this story, I it pops into my head and I think about this with my clients, I think about it with myself, I think about it in relationships, about how bringing the light of awareness to ourselves and asking ourselves to witness which part of our experience we relate to others, which part of the story do we tell this, can be so healing for ourselves, so healing for our relationships, so insightful into what's going on with us and also so incredibly impactful on making our ideas real. I cannot tell you the power that it has, the infinite impact that it has on whether we are successful or not successful at turning our ideas into real things. Whether this is a habit change that we are making me learning about my blood sugar right and making changes to my own habits to honor my body more right Learning about them, because there's so much that I don't know and making changes or whether this is something like a big project that we're putting out into the world or a career change, the way that we talk about our story or someone else's story, the parts of it that we choose to share create reality for other people and, in turn, are regenerative for us. They create reality in turn for us as well. So let's take a couple examples and then I will give you some guiding questions to round us out today to help you reflect on which part of the story you are telling.

Speaker 1:

So first of all, I want to look at our self-concept. How do we talk about ourselves when we bring some awareness, some curiosity to the part of our own story that we tell. We can learn so much and can instantly change so much if we choose to. So I want you to just think back to the last time that you told the story of your life, or a big chunk of your life, sort of related that to another person. What parts of it did you tell, what parts of it did you focus on? And then, secondly, when we're talking to someone just about ourselves, how we talk about ourselves, whether that is with self-deprecation, respect, whether we narrate the sort of details of our life with honor and with compassion towards ourself, or whether we kind of bag on ourselves, the parts of the story that we tell about ourselves shows us what we believe about ourselves. And so when we pause and just think about the sentences that we are saying, the part of the story that we tell, we can see what we believe about ourselves.

Speaker 1:

Now, another thing here is just talking about when someone says how are you, what's going on, what's happening in your day, what part of your day do you tell? Do you tell always the harder parts? Do you talk about how tired you are? Do you talk about what is hard or what is disappointing? Sometimes in life we find ourselves in the moments where we're focusing on those things, and that's okay. The question here isn't about right or wrong, good or bad. It's so important, more than anything else, to be authentic with the people around us, and authenticity doesn't mean just saying what's hard. So when we bring the light of this question, what part am I sharing as I walk around the world to ourselves? And we look at that, we can see so much. Because when we share only the hard parts with others, then our interactions with others blow up those hard parts of our life. We end up talking about those hard parts a lot. People end up checking in on the hard parts with us, and that's okay when we need it and it's very valuable in big moments of our life. And when we get into the habit of focusing on those hard parts, it can begin to shine a spotlight on them instead of on the full picture or the things that we're grateful for or feeling nostalgia for right now.

Speaker 1:

The second thing I want to say is in our relationships when we can look at relationships overall or relationships with specific people and think about what words we share with a boss, with a colleague, with a parent, with a friend, with a partner with our children. What part of the story do you tell them? What part of the story do you tell them? Because oftentimes we start playing a role with the people in our lives and we might find ourselves maybe with certain people unloading all the time on them, or just talking about logistics, or relating a story and talking just about the children, or talking just about the mistakes that other people made, or just about the drama, or talking just about the mistakes that other people made, or just about the drama or the gossip we can get into like ruts and routines and how we interact with specific people in our lives, and when we bring this question, we can just think is this what I want to share with this person? Is this creating a relationship with this person? Where we're always talking about what's hard, or we're always talking about logistics, where I'm always talking about the children, where I'm always talking about them, or maybe I'm always talking about me, and what part of my story am I telling?

Speaker 1:

With all of this, the most important thing is to bring curiosity and compassion instead of judgment. You will notice things you like and you will notice things that you do not like in what you share when we bring compassion and non-judgment to noticing ourselves and observing ourselves. That is when change is possible, and sometimes that change is just about accepting what is already happening. Sometimes we actually want to change what we're saying and doing. Two quick other things. One is just thinking about a circumstance. Take something into your mind a party, an event, spring break, a meeting, a drive, a game, a sports game, a show and just think about the different people that have narrated something about that event. What part of the story did they all tell? What part of the story did you tell? Did you talk about how cold it was and how late you were? Or did you talk about the wonderful conversations that you had? There's not a right or wrong, there's just a noticing and choosing.

Speaker 1:

And lastly, when you're talking about your idea, how do you talk about it? Your idea for a change you want to make in your life? If I'm talking about my classes that I'm taking in, blood sugar and dietary practices and exercise and all of that, I'm not focused on. You know, sharing with other people, the big problems that I want to fix I'm focused on. I didn't even know I was going to talk about this in the podcast when I first shared it with you, right. But I'm thinking back to that and I'm thinking I am just really focused on everything I'm going to learn and I'm going to learn how to honor my body more. And that's the story that I'm telling about this idea that I have and it's exciting and it's hopeful and it's wonderful and that generates all of that excitement and hope and wonder in me, and so I will enter into this program with excitement and hope and wonder and heck yeah, do I want that?

Speaker 1:

Instead of focusing in on big problems with my body that I want to solve, instead of focusing in on big problems with my body that I want to solve, I also can look at with an idea, a big project that I'm ready to put out there in the world. What's something that you're putting out into the world? If you talk about how you're afraid about it, how you don't know if people will like it, how you've never done it before, that's what people see. When we talk about our idea with reverence and excitement and we talk about the possibility of what this idea could create in the world, other people want in on that idea too, and both parts of this are just as true. But when we bring light and awareness into which part of the story we're telling. We can choose to tell the part that creates more of what we want in the world.

Speaker 1:

All right, so my guiding questions for you are which part of the story are you telling to yourself and to others? Which parts did you leave out? Maybe the positive parts? Maybe the negative parts? Do you tend to be overly positive, overly negative, focused on others, focused on yourself? It's all good, but the noticing brings awareness and empowerment.

Speaker 1:

In the part of the story that you told, did you get to be the hero, the victim, neutral, a helper? What are the roles you tend to play? What reality is that creating for you and for others? Is that the reality you want to create? And then gently, with love and compassion, guide your mind to widen the lens on the story that you're telling or narrow the lens. What part of the story would you focus in on? Where would you shine your spotlight? On? The story of everything that happens? That would be a little more regenerative for you.

Speaker 1:

Would you share a little bit more of what's good, a little bit more of what's possible? Would you share a little bit more of what's good, a little bit more of what's possible? Would you share a more direct and honest, neutral opinion? Would you share more of the negative? Would you do less talking? Would you do more? What part of the story are you telling and what world is that creating for you? That's what I've got for you this week and I will see you next week. If you like what you're hearing on the podcast, you gotta come and join us in the Bloom Room. This is a year-round membership where we take all of these concepts and we apply them to real life in a community where we have each other's backs and we bring out the best in each other. We're all there to make our ideas real, one idea at a time. I'll see you in the bloom room.