Bloom Your Mind

Ep 138: Ditch the Shell

• Marie McDonald

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Have you ever outgrown a version of yourself— and gotten stuck in that awkward liminal space between one identity and another? 

In this episode of the Bloom Your Mind Podcast, I’m taking you on a wild ride that starts with a free-range hermit crab named Hermie (yes, really) and ends with a three step reflection to help you identify where you are in your identity shift. We’ll explore what it feels like to be in the awkward, raw, beautiful space between who you were and who you’re becoming—and how to navigate it with more self-compassion and clarity.

What you’ll learn in this episode: 

  • How we’re always making ideas real, but articulating them puts us in the driver’s seat of how we’re growing 
  • How self concept is the container for our current ways of thinking, feeling, acting and being
  • The three awkward (and magical) stages of leveling up your self concept
  • How a 90’s housepet trend can give us answers from the natural world
  • Why the strategies that got you here won’t get you there
  • How to work with old versions of yourself instead of pushing them away
  • A guided reflection to help you identify your next self concept leap

Whether you're launching a business, changing relationship dynamics, healing old patterns, or just leveling up, this episode normalizes the discomfort of growth—and will help you move forward as the change maker that you are. 

Resources and episodes mentioned:

How to connect with Marie:

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Bloom your Mind podcast, where we take all of your ideas for what you want and we turn them into real things. I'm your host, certified coach Marie McDonald.

Speaker 2:

Let's get into it well, hello everybody, and welcome to episode number 138 of the pulling your mind podcast. Did any of you grow up in the like 80s 90s general time period? If you did, there was this thing that was going on, this weird craze where a lot of people had pet hermit crabs, and my family was no exception. We had, like many 90s families, we had hermit crabs. It was a thing like a crustacean trend or something. I don't know where it came from, but I know that when I talk to other people and I tell them we had hermit crabs, they're like oh yeah, that was a thing. Like when did this start and how? I don't know. Well, we had these hermit crabs, and they were not only hermit crabs, they were free range hermit crabs, as in they roamed across our entire house. Our house was multi-level and they were just kicking it all around. They had names, they were our pets and there was this one hermit crab in particular, a little bit of an eccentric hermit crab named wait for it, hermie. Hermit crab named wait for it, hermie. Hermie the hermit crab and Hermie had something really remarkable about them, this wild habit that when they got thirsty, hermie would scuttle across the house past, you know, the sun drenched stairs.

Speaker 2:

We lived in this little Ramona town in the mountains of Southern California. And across the carpets and into the bathroom, across the tile, with like dark brown grout these cream tile and up to the bathtub with a like dark brown grout these cream tile and up to the bathtub, and this little hermit crab would bang their shell on the side of the bathtub in this rhythm like knock, knock, knock, knock, until someone came into the bathroom to give them water. Seriously, over and over, this little hermit crab did this Hermie. So we'd make Hermie a little beach in the tub and they'd drink as much as they wanted to dip in and out of the water and then off they'd go across the house until the next time. No leash, no tank, just crab energy running around the house. No leash, no tank, just crab energy running around the house. And we didn't think this was weird. And sometimes I reflect back on it and I just crack up at how funny of a pet experience this is.

Speaker 2:

And if you've been around the podcast for a while, you've heard me talk about this house. It was this multi-leveled house that my dad built all around the granite boulders in Ramona. There were lots of levels, lots of stairs. It was sort of built around the granite boulders in Ramona, so there were lots of levels, lots of stairs. It was sort of built around the natural environment. It was one of the houses that burned down up there. You can listen to the full story back in episode two. But it is just amazing to me that these hermit crabs survived. So you're probably wondering where I'm going with this.

Speaker 2:

I was coaching a client the other day and she's in this really tender space between who she has been so far that's gotten her to where she is, this incredibly successful woman who has created a life she's super proud of, and who she's ready to be next. We were talking about this and we were describing how it kind of feels like a shell the shell that she's been in for a while, that she's breaking out of, and this new shell that she's going into. And we started cracking up together about how this is just like the hermit crabs that we grew up with in the nineties, and that space between who she has been in all the ways that she's been thinking and feeling and acting and doing that have gotten her to where she is, and that liminal space between that and the new ways of thinking and feeling and acting that are going to need to be a little bit different to get her to the next stage of life. It's like this hermit crab switching shells, because as we grow we outgrow the ways we've moved through the world our thoughts, our habits, relationships, how we communicate, how we see ourselves. We start to feel that tightness, the squeeze of outgrowing these old ways, and we have an idea for who we're becoming, an idea for something new that we want to do in the world, something we want to create, something we want to change about our lives, an idea that we're trying to make real. But in order to make that idea real, we have to grow, we have to change and, just like Hermie, we got to ditch that shell. So I see it time and time again in myself and my coaching clients. We all go through this three-stage transformation when we're shedding an old version of ourselves and stepping into something new. And of course I had to bring in this ridiculous analogy because it made me laugh.

Speaker 2:

We have to transition from one self-concept to another as we make these ideas real, and a self-concept is totally necessary. A self-concept meaning our identity necessary. A self-concept meaning our identity how we think about ourselves. You know, a lot of that can be unconscious. We might not even know how we think about ourselves, and when we make it conscious, then we have agency. We can make an intentional self-concept about ourselves, but sometimes it's just running in the background. But whatever that is, whether it's conscious or not, it allows us to make decisions quickly Like who are we, this is what I want, this is what I don't. It really helps us know what those wants are, what our true desires are, that aren't coming from other people's expectations of us, but are coming from our heart's deep longing what we like, what we don't. Where our yeses and our nos are, where our boundaries are. Our pillars are part of that self-concept. Pillars are those values that we've decided on, that are our core values, that hold up our life, like the table legs underneath everything that we're building and doing and being.

Speaker 2:

Our self-concept is related to what we're up to in the world, the ideas that we're making real, what we think we are capable of and what we actually have to up-level our thinking to be able to do, because we are always working to make ideas real, whether we know it or not. And when we decide what those ideas are on purpose. When we name them, articulate them as goals. It puts us in the driver's seat. We're creating our life on purpose. We're putting into the world exactly what we want to see there in the world, instead of letting other people do it. We're not living inside the world that other people created. We are actors creating, instead of recipients of, what's happening to us in our life. That is what making ideas real is all about. That is what the conscious process of making ideas real is all about.

Speaker 2:

But in order to make ideas real that we haven't made real before, we have to think differently than we've thought before. We have to feel differently than we've felt before and act differently than we've acted in the past. Those three changes are what will give us different results than the results we've created in the past. We have to change our concept of ourselves, our identity, the shell that we're in our self-concepts, so that can hold those new ways of thinking and feeling and being. It's all about that shift. So today's episode is all about that shift between our old shell that holds our old ways of thinking, feeling and acting that created our old results, and that shift into the new shell, the new self-concept that holds our new ways of thinking, feeling and acting that we will have to put in place in order to create different results, create new things in our life, in our communities and in the world. Create new things in our life, in our communities and in the world. So let's look at what that shell switch is like, why it can feel so damn awkward and what we can do about it. All right, three stages first. Three stages of the shell switch. Stage one is the shell is too damn tight.

Speaker 2:

So this is the part where you're still in your old patterns, but you're aware that they don't fit anymore. Maybe you can think about a time when this has been true or, right now, a way that it's true for you. How are you still doing something, thinking, feeling or acting in a way that you've kind of outgrown but you haven't changed yet? Maybe it's a way, a health habit, maybe it's a way of communicating, or maybe it's a way of leading or something. You're still stuck in a place, you're still living a job, you're still in Holding pattern that you're in instead of starting to make an idea real in the world. It's this senioritis phase of your former self. You think I can't do it this way anymore. I'm done. Maybe you've just launched a business or you're navigating this new leadership at work or taking your first solo trip. Maybe it's deeper, maybe you're breaking generational patterns or rewriting your relationship with your health or your body or your time.

Speaker 2:

But you're in that part where you see that the old ways aren't working and something's got to give. But you're still in that shell, that old self-concept, that old identity. So it's kind of itchy, kind of cramped, kind of suffocating and it's time to get out. So you move into stage two, where you're kind of naked and shell-less. We've all been there, we all have. You finally ditch the old shell, the old self-concept, and for a hot minute you're walking around, exposed, raw, vulnerable. There's no hiding, you're out. You've kind of left the past behind, the old ways of doing things. I remember walking in on our hermit crabs mid-shell change and just seeing this one hermit crab, naked, mid-transfer, and it was pretty intense. Sorry for that visual, but that's like how it feels when we make a real shift.

Speaker 2:

We're not comfortable yet in the new place, but we've decided to leave the old ways of thinking or feeling or doing behind. We don't yet have our new identity fully formed, but we can't go back either, and this is where sometimes we get scared. We question if we made the right call. We look around and think who am I without that old identity? Even if it was painful, it was safe because it was known. But we keep on trekking into stage three, the new shell, the new awkward. We've chosen the new shell, but it's still clunky, a little bit roomy. We haven't grown into it yet. A little bit too grown. We're practicing new behaviors, trying new ways of communicating, working with a new mindset, maybe experiencing some imposter syndrome. Like who am I to think that I could make this shift and do this new thing, make this change? It does not feel natural yet it feels hella awkward.

Speaker 2:

This is where integration begins and we start getting used to things. So let's talk about why that integration phase feels so weird, why all the stages feel so weird, because understanding them can help us identify where we are in the process and move through it with a little bit more grace. So there's a classic model that you may have heard of, where these are all the stages of learning and you can. I've referenced multiple episodes on this episode, but this one is how to try new things, how to learn new things.

Speaker 2:

There's an episode that talks all about this, where you go from a stage of unconscious incompetence, where you don't know what you don't know, to conscious incompetence where you know what you can't do yet. So that conscious incompetence is where we are. When our shell is too tight and we're about ready to move. We know that we need to get out, but we don't quite know how to do it yet. Then there's this conscious competence where you can do it, but you have to focus really hard and make a lot of mistakes. So that's like that second stage we're transitioning into the big shell. And then we're getting used to the big shell, awkwardly clunking around in a new life and a new identity that's still a little too big for us. And finally, when we do that long enough and we fail and we iterate, we move into unconscious competence, where it's kind of second nature.

Speaker 2:

When we're growing, we're stuck in that awkward middle, and it's totally normal because our past selves don't just disappear According to internal family systems, which is an incredible resource if you'd like to look it up. We've got these different parts of us that develop to get through different chapters of life. They served us, but they're not always meant to drive anymore, to make decisions. So when we're moving between these different versions of ourselves, we can see that the old self doesn't fit us anymore and we can know that we're ready to move on and that that's totally normal. Because we can kind of look backwards down the timeline of our life and maybe you can think about your life and all the times when you've made big transitions.

Speaker 2:

Of course there are like the ones we all make in childhood Maybe, when we go from being a toddler to like a kid, and then a kid to a teenager, and then a teenager to adult. Those are all like shell shifts, identity shifts, right, and what other ones were there for you? You can look back to the versions of you that inhabited those smaller shells and see all the shifts that you've made and you can kind of look forward into the future and just know how many shell shifts will be in the future as well. So when you're in the middle of one of these transitions, when you're changing how you think about yourself, your identity, your ways of thinking and feeling and acting, you can just know that it's normal. You've done it before and you'll do it again. When I think about those old selves, I love to picture kind of each one of them and what they're wearing. At that time of my life, you know and just remember all these shifts that I've made and how important they all were. So we're in the middle of one of those. Right now we can know we've done this before. We've outgrown the shells. They're all a part of the story.

Speaker 2:

But our future is going to be different, and the reason that we need to keep shifting shells is because the exact ways of thinking and feeling and acting that got us to where we are right now are not going to get us to where we're going. So that has happened many times in the past when we've shifted from one identity and set of life circumstances and responsibilities before. When we shift from one set to another, we have to up-level. So the ways that we're successful at creating the life that we had are going to have to change, even though they worked really well, in order to create different results in the future. So let's break down how you act has to change. Maybe being hyper-responsible got us through one stage of our life, but our next stage requires more delegation and so we have to shift, and that's an example of that shifting shells taking on more leadership rather than being great at executing and doing and taking care of everything ourselves. We have to make this awkward transition into a bigger show where we're learning to track progress, delegate to other people, support them to accomplish things and manage the big vision ourselves of a project, of a family, of a job, of a community. Here's another example.

Speaker 2:

Maybe we're looking at how we communicate. Maybe you avoided conflict before to keep the peace. Maybe you have kind of been a people pleaser, avoided conflict and just made everybody happy and it worked really, really well because you had a lot of friends and everybody loved you and you could go with the flow. But it's just not quite fitting anymore, because you're realizing that you're going along with things that you're not actually okay with, or because you just want to speak up a little bit more. You want to lead, you want to have your own opinion. That's an example of transitioning from one self-concept to another from the self-concept of I'm the one that harmonizes, I keep the peace, to the self-concept of I help to lead, I have opinions and thoughts that matter, that influence, and I'm going to shift my whole way of thinking and feeling and acting and interacting in order to speak up and to lead more.

Speaker 2:

Maybe one of these ways that we shift is in managing our mind. Maybe overthinking used to keep you prepared. It used to, you know, being able to plan every contingency for anything that might go wrong or anything that might happen, or to review everything in a past interaction. Maybe that really helped you be ready for anything and kept you prepared for anything, and now maybe it's keeping you stuck. Maybe overthinking is keeping you in thinking all the time and you're not actually taking action. So you need to move and let things go and stop ruminating on how things went and start taking more bold action to make your ideas real and make a difference in the world.

Speaker 2:

That's another way where we might have to shift self-concept and change our shells. Your self-concept itself is another one, just the very way that you think about yourself that shell. Maybe you saw yourself as a helper and you always support other people. Maybe you're always somebody that can be of service to others. But now you're ready to be a little bit more of a visionary, to be the one that shakes things up, to be the one that has the idea that rallies everybody. That requires you to think differently, feel differently and definitely to act differently. Each of these shifts requires a new shell how we act, how we communicate, how we manage our minds, our self-concept. So let's do a little reflection exercise on how we can ditch the show All right, grab a notebook if you need to, or pause and come back when you can.

Speaker 2:

When I listen to a podcast and I like to do the exercise as we go along if I don't have something to write on, if I'm driving or something, I like to just listen to the question and then pause, answer the question in my own head and then press play again. So I invite you to do that if you'd like to. The first question is what has worked for you so far to get you to where you are right now? That might need to shift, that you might need to let go of in order to get you to the next place that you want to go, even if it served you well, okay.

Speaker 2:

Number two what kind of support do you need as you make that leap? And a couple of hints are to manage your mind daily, to stick to your schedule, to get coaching from someone who sees your next shell before you even can. And number three what helps you to level up so that, when you're in that transition, that liminal space between one shell and another, how can you anticipate the obstacles and support yourself? Maybe that's by surrounding yourself with people who are already living with what you're stepping into right Examples of who you're becoming, not examples of what you're trying to leave behind. Maybe that's about filling your mind with content that nourishes your growth. Check out the Brain Buckets episode for a deep dive into that concept, because we are the ideas and the people that we surround ourselves with, and remember to measure the gains, not the gap. You can listen to the episode. Look how Far You've Come for a deep dive on that one. So growth is awkward, transformation is vulnerable, but damn it's worth it. So growth is awkward, transformation is vulnerable, but damn it's worth it.

Speaker 2:

So here's your permission to be like Hermie, that little herb of crab, and Ramona that knocked its shell on the bathtub. Choose a bigger shell, take off toward the next version of you and do it intentionally. Support yourself as you go. You're going to do it one way or another. Do it intentionally. Support yourself as you go. You're going to do it one way or another. If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who's mid-identity shift, mid-shell swap, and if you're ready to make big moves in your life or your work, come check out the Bloom Room, my coaching program designed to help you ditch your old patterns and help you bloom into the next level. That's what I've got for you this week, and I will see you next week.

Speaker 1:

If you like what you're hearing on the podcast. You got to come and join us in the bloom room. This is a year-round membership where we take all of these concepts and we apply them to real life in a community where we have each other's backs and we bring out the best in each other. We're all there to make our ideas real, one idea at a time. We'll see you in the bloom room.