Bloom Your Mind

Ep 141: Solving People Problems

• Marie McDonald

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Ever notice how much easier it is to point at a person and say, “YOU are the problem”? Yeah, me too. But here’s the truth: people aren’t the problem—problems are the problem. And when we stop confusing the two, everything gets lighter, easier, and way more solvable.

In this episode of the Bloom Your Mind Podcast, we’re going one layer deeper into conflict resolution and flipping the script: instead of making the person the issue, we learn how to sit shoulder-to-shoulder and face the actual issue together.

We’ll cover:

  • Why this shift matters for your relationships, your problem-solving chops, and your ability to bring ideas to life.
  • Why it’s a huge waste of time and energy to follow our brains down the rabbit hole of making others the problem and make ourselves the problem
  • Betty Pries’ five roots of conflict (resources, history, structures, values, and communication) and how they show up in everyday life.
  • Four laughably real examples of moving from “You’re the worst” to “Hey, looks like we have a trash monster problem.”
  • A step-by-step exercise to help you spot where you’re making someone the problem, reframe it, and approach them in a way that makes collaboration actually possible.

Spoiler: once you stop turning people into villains and start tackling the real problem, you’ll save yourself a ton of drama, resentment, and late-night imaginary arguments in the shower. You’ll also have WAY more time to focus on making your ideas real. 

✨ Your homework: Identify one spot in your life where you’ve been making a person the problem. Reframe it into a problem problem instead, then try out the “same side of the table” approach. Bonus points if you use humor to call out the real monster.

✨ Share this episode with someone you love who might be making you the problem 😉

Mentioned on this episode: 

  • Listen to last week’s episode on resolving conflict if you missed it (it sets the stage for today).

How to connect with Marie:

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We'll take all these ideas and apply them to our lives. Follow me on Instagram at @the.bloom.coach to learn more and snag a spot in my group coaching program!

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Bloom your Mind Podcast, where we take all of your ideas for what you want and we turn them into real things. I'm your host, certified Coach Marie McDonald. Let's get into it. Well, hello everyone, and welcome to episode number 141 of the Bloom your Mind podcast, where we talk about making the problem the problem instead of making people the problem. Today, I was leading the Bloom Room, and this brilliant person in the Bloom Room, who is taking care of a lot of different people right now different family members has a lot of responsibilities that don't relate to taking care of herself, came up with again a brilliant solution so that each time she checks something off her list, that is a thing she needs to do in service of someone else so maybe ordering her kids lunches for school, or taking care of something for her mom or her partner or the community that she's a part of. Every single time she crosses something off her list for someone else, she also requires herself to cross something off the list that she's doing in service of herself, whether that's making a doctor's appointment or going for a walk or something like that. She has put into place a new strategy that I love, so I wanted to kick off our podcast today by sharing that with you. Thank you, you know who you are. You're brilliant and we love you.

Speaker 1:

All right, today we are going deeper into the topic of conflict resolution, which is a topic that I'm just loving these days. As I said in last week's episode 140, Resolving Conflict, which I recorded in the mountains with no internet. It's a wily little episode. I recorded this overarching view of conflict resolution because I've been doing lots of conflict resolution over the past year. People keep approaching me to resolve conflicts in workplaces and family units and relationships and friendships, so I've been doing lots of research and there's a book called the Space Between Us by Betty Prize, recommended to me by a dear friend, that really covers this topic beautifully, but in listening to it, a couple of people said can we do more on this topic? This is a beautiful intro, but I feel like you could do one episode on each one of these different tools. So I said yes, I love feedback and today is all about making the problem the problem. So welcome again back to the Bloom your Mind podcast.

Speaker 1:

Last week we dove into resolving conflict and today we're going one layer deeper, talking about what happens when we stop making people the problem and instead make the problem the problem. I know, I know it's simple to say this, but let's be real. It's not our instinct. Our brains are really good at deciding hey, you're the issue, you're annoying, you're in my way, you're wrong, I'm the good guy, you're the bad guy, I'm the one that has virtuous intention. You're clearly not that way, or you're delusional. Right, we're really good at making other people wrong and making them the problem. But when we shift our perspective, when we pull the person out of the bullseye and put the actual problem there, our relationships change, our problem solving gets sharper and our ideas actually have a chance to grow into real things in the world instead of getting stuck in a cage match. So let's look at exactly how we can do this Deep dive into this concept of making the problem the problem.

Speaker 1:

Here's why it matters. First of all. Why it matters for relationships is because when you make someone the problem, they have two options they can defend or they can disappear. Neither option helps you actually connect. But when you sit on the same side of the table with them, as Brene Brown says, and say, hey, let's look at this problem together, what you do is you keep the relationship, the connection with the other person, intact. It's like being teammates instead of being opponents. You know, as opponents you're fighting each other. As teammates you're fighting the problem. Now let's just look at problem solving.

Speaker 1:

Problems don't get solved when the humans are busy arm wrestling, kind of like we just said. If you're too busy proving your partner, your boss, your kid wrong, the actual problem is in the corner doing jazz hands. We just ignore it. We think we're solving it. We're really just trying to change the person in front of us, trying to prove why we're right and they're wrong. But when we refocus on the thing instead of the person, solutions pop up faster because we are not in fight or flight, we are not triggered, we are not in an ego match. We actually have access to our creative thinking and we can solve problems All right. One more reason why it matters.

Speaker 1:

Well, we're all about making our ideas real here and this one's a little bit sneaky when we're working to make our ideas into real things in the world, whether these are ideas for books, we want to write companies, we want to start communities, we want to found or just ideas for a habit, we want to change a way, we want to become a better person in relationship with others. We often make ourselves the problem. I'm not disciplined enough, I'm not good at this, I always screw up. I don't know how. No one will like this idea. I never follow through. Do any of those sound familiar? When we make ourselves the problem, we stall out, we get caught in our old loops, our old programming. But when we frame the problem as the problem like for instance, saying I need a better system for getting started or I need feedback to make the idea stronger Suddenly there's something that you can actually do something about. So these are all reasons why making the problem, the problem, matters.

Speaker 1:

All right, last week I talked about Betty Price and here are her five roots of conflict. She says that beneath every conflict there's really just five categories of what we're actually fighting about. So while we are making the person the problem, what's really happening is nothing is ever about the other person. Really, there's always a root that's about one of these five things. Number one resources. Number two history. Number three structures. Number four values. And number five communication. So let's walk through these with real life examples of how to shift from a person problem to a problem problem. Example number one if we're fighting about resources.

Speaker 1:

A person problem sounds like this your coworker hogs the conference room every Tuesday and you decide ugh, she's so selfish, she's the worst. Now let's take that and put it into a problem problem. Hey, looks like the problem is we only have one conference room and we have four teams who need it at the same time. Let's all talk about how to solve the problem of this limited space with more people who need it than there is space to share. Okay, now you're brainstorming about scheduling hacks instead of plotting your co-worker's demise. Example number two history.

Speaker 1:

There's something, there's an incident that needs to be talked about. Okay, person problem version. My partner forgot to take out the trash again. Maybe your brain says they never help, they don't care about me. Now let's take that person problem into a problem problem. The problem is when the trash piles up, I feel taken for granted and overwhelmed. I'm owning that. That's my reaction. Let's solve the trash system together. All right, a trash system way less dramatic than making the problem. Your partner right. And it's way more solvable than rewriting your partner's entire personality or getting into a big fight because you're talking in generalizations and saying things that maybe you don't mean If we make the trash about the person, it becomes a big, big, big problem. If we make it about the trash, we can solve it together, all right.

Speaker 1:

Example number three structures. A person problem version. You think your boss is micromanaging monster who just loves watching you suffer. You think your boss has to have their hands on everything super controlling and super micromanaging. Okay, now let's break this down and put this into a problem problem. The problem is we don't have a clear process for decision making and sign offs, so my boss keeps jumping in last minute. How can we fix this process together and get really clear on roles and responsibilities around decision-making? How can we make sure we're calibrated so I can have more autonomy? Now it's a structure problem, not a demon boss problem. Right, we all think that we're on the side of good, but when we break this down, we can see how everybody's doing their best with what they have most of the time, and even when we can't, we depersonalize so that then we can actually solve things, make them better, instead of getting into an arm wrestling match. All right, example number four, and I'll give one more, and then I'm going to give you an exercise that you can actually do.

Speaker 1:

Example number four the person problem version of having a disagreement about values. Let's say you're throwing an anniversary party for your parents and your sister wants a small, private, very intimate event and you want a giant blowout bash. You think she's a buzzkill and she's just like always getting in your way of creating. Just because she's introverted doesn't mean that you can't celebrate your parents in a big way. Okay, that's the person problem. Making it about your sister let's look at the problem problem. The problem is we value different things about celebrations. She values intimacy, I value connection through big community. Let's see how we can either honor both values or just ask our parents what they want. Right Now, you're collaborators, not frenemies. You're recognizing oh right, we each have different values. Neither one is right, neither one is better. We are just valuing different things. Let's either take a middle road or figure out how to make this not about us. Make it about our parents.

Speaker 1:

Last example, number five, communication, my favorite the person problem version is let's say your teenager gives you one word, answers that feel defensive all the time and you just decide that they're lazy and disrespectful. Okay, they're just a teenager. Their hormones are terrible. I'm just gonna write off connection with them these years of their life because they're just a raging hormone teenager. Okay, let's turn that into a problem problem. The problem is we don't have an easy way to communicate with one another when we're both tired or stressed. So how do we open up space for a real conversation where we can be real, we can make mistakes, we can be on the same team. That's a puzzle now, instead of a character flaw.

Speaker 1:

All right, those were five examples of how to take a problem from being about a person and moving it into making it about a problem, using the five root problems that generally are what conflict is about Resources, history, structures, values and communication. If you want to hear more and extended versions of those, you can go back to the last episode on resolving conflict, where I kind of lay out the big map of both making a problem a problem instead of the person, the problem, the five things that conflict is really about, and a framework for how to approach someone that you're in conflict with that has the least likelihood of putting them into a defensive stance and the best likelihood of helping you own the problem so you can solve it. All right. So the exercise I'm going to let you end with today is switching from the person to the problem. Here we go. Time to put into practice. Grab a pen or just let this land in your head if you're driving or walking. I highly recommend writing these things out Tends to actually cement these practices much more successfully.

Speaker 1:

So, step one identify the person that's the problem for you and just hey, nobody's going to read this. You can burn it afterwards. You can shred it up. Think of one person in your life right now who feels like they are the problem. Write their name down. Be honest, no one else is going to see it. Who's your problem? Number two name the problem problem. Now ask if I pull their name out of the center of this issue. What is the actual problem? Is it about resources, history, structure, a difference in values, a difference in expectations around communication? Now step three sit on the same side of the table. Actually picture yourself literally scooching your chair around until you're next to this person, shoulder to shoulder, looking at the problem together. And number four plan your approach. Instead of going to them with you're, so insert your insult there. Go with, hey.

Speaker 1:

I think the problem we're both bumping into is this when we see this problem, this is the impact that it has on me. This is the experience I have, which I know is not your intention, it's not your problem, right? It's just the experience that I have. So I'd love to solve this. Can we solve it together? And, if you like, you can go into it with an idea of how you can solve it. Here's one specific thing I think we could do. Or you can just say can we look at this together and come up with a plan? And listen. You can even say it cheeky if it's your style. I don't want to fight you. I want us to fight the overflowing trash monster together. Suddenly, you go from being in opposition to one another to having a little bit of humanity, a little bit of humor and actually having a chance at solving something. When we do this, conflict brings us together as people, in relationship, and also it helps us to evolve as individuals.

Speaker 1:

So this week, my challenge to you is to make the problem the problem. Don't let yourself be the problem. Don't let someone else be the problem. Don't let your idea be the problem. Don't let your brain stop at hey, they're the issue, I'm the issue. Peel back the curtain and ask what is the actual problem here, if it's not a person and then sit side by side with the other person or with your own brain who's trying to make you the problem and solve the real problem.

Speaker 1:

Because when we stop making people the problem, we protect our relationships, we get creative solutions and, most importantly, we move past self-doubt, self-criticism into making our ideas into real things in the world, which is what the world needs your ideas for how it can be a better place. All right, that's what I've got for you today. Go forth and fight the right monster, and I will see you next week. If you like what you're hearing on the podcast, you've got to come and join us in the Bloom Room. This is a year-round membership where we take all of these concepts and we apply them to real life in a community where we have each other's backs and we bring out the best in each other. We're all there to make our ideas real, one idea at a time. I'll see you in the bloom room.