Bloom Your Mind

Ep 162: Stay in Your Model

• Marie McDonald

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Today we’re revisiting one of the most powerful frameworks I teach: the Regenerative Thought Model — and then taking it one step further into real-life application inside relationships, leadership, and everyday human interactions.

At its core, the model is simple:

There are factual circumstances in the world.
 We observe them (ideally from a compassionate, grounded space).
 Our thoughts about those circumstances create our feelings.
 Our feelings drive our behavior.
 Our behavior creates our results.

And then the sneaky part:
 Our results almost always appear to prove our original thought true.
 Our brain says, “See? I knew it.”
 And confirmation bias strengthens that thought, those neural pathways, and that belief system over time — keeping us locked in familiar patterns.

Here’s the next layer most people don’t realize:

You are always inside a thought model.
 All day long.
 And so is everyone else.

The problems start when we accidentally jump into someone else’s model without realizing it.

This happens when someone says something, does something, or gives off body language or energy — and suddenly we stop relating to our own thoughts and feelings and start trying to interpret, validate, or live inside their perspective instead.

Then we start asking:
 “Is their perspective right?”
 “Is my perspective wrong?”
 “Should I feel differently?”

But thoughts are not objectively true or false.
 They are subjective interpretations.

When we forget that, we create confusion, emotional whiplash, and disconnection from ourselves.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

  • A clear refresher on the Regenerative Thought Model and how it shapes every result in your life
  • Why you are always inside a thought model — and how other people are too
  • How and why we accidentally jump into someone else’s model
  • The four main reasons this happens:
    • Momentarily forgetting that thoughts are subjective
    • Our deep wiring for belonging and not wanting to be excluded
    • Our brain’s threat detection system over-focusing on potential negatives
    • Mirror neurons making emotional states contagious
  • How to recognize when you’ve stepped out of your model (sudden emotional shifts, confusion, disorientation, self-doubt)
  • Why staying in your model doesn’t mean ignoring other people — it means staying grounded while gathering data
  • A simple 4-step process to:
    • Notice when you may be in someone else’s model
    • Separate their perspective from yours
      Reconnect with your own grounded thinking and emotional state
    • Take in useful information from their experience without abandoning yourself

When you learn to stay in your model, you stop getting emotionally knocked over by other people’s storms. You can be present, empathetic, and connected — while still staying anchored in yourself.

If you want support practicing this in real time:

Bloom Room — foundational thought and emotional skill building
Moxie Mastermind — high-level application while building real-world ideas, leadership, and impact

How to connect with Marie:

JOIN THE BLOOM ROOM!
We'll take all these ideas and apply them to our lives. Follow me on Instagram at @the.bloom.coach to learn more and snag a spot in my group coaching program!

SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to the Bloom Your Mind Podcast, where we take all of your ideas for what you want and we turn them into real things. I'm your host, certified coach Marie McDonald. Let's get into it. Well, hello everybody, and welcome to episode number 162 of the Bloom Your Mind podcast. Did you miss me last week? This is what happened. I recorded this episode thinking that it was done diggity. And then I got an email saying that I had forgotten to turn on my microphone. After three years of doing this podcast, I forgot to test it. So I apologize for letting you down last week. I did not have another time available to re-record, but here I am, back in action. And there's so much going on in our world right now. And I wanted to kick off by just saying something. I'm hearing a lot about, you know, just feeling like we want to take action, feeling like we want to put our energy into something good that can be part of a solution. I hear a lot from people about sort of how distressing things are in the world. And this has been the case, of course, for some years. And I'm hearing it a lot right now. And I experience it myself when I look at the news. I it's distressing. And so there are two things that I suggest in times like this. The first one is to take direct action in as many ways as we can about the thing that we're not okay with, to literally take action to be the change that we want to see in the world. So for me, that looked like calling politicians and leaving voicemails. It looked like donating money and it looked like sharing content about that would help other people have those phone numbers and those links to donating money, as well as participating in strikes and sh and spreading information and um, you know, just doing doing what I can to support the vision for what I would like the world to be like. So that's one thing is to take that direct action. But there's a second thing that I find incredibly healing during times that feel like the world is a place you're not okay with. And that is to take action in another realm, meaning to come up with some way that your beautiful, unique gifts, yourself, your brain meets what the world needs in your community, in your family, in your life, or in the world at large. So for me, I put my energy into my podcast and my coaching programs. The Moxie is starting, and we are doing our kickoff calls, and all of these women, business leaders and leaders have these incredible visions for the impact they're making with their work in the world. And I am supporting them to do that work and make those ideas real while living balanced, happy, joyful, sassy lives full of Moxie. And I believe in it so much because I believe in women not letting all their energy be sucked up by anybody that wants it. And I believe in women making ideas real because I believe that women's ideas right now are very, very valuable. And I believe in women really taking back their moxie and saying no when they want to say no and prioritizing things that are fun and silly and ridiculous for them and having fun. Today in our second round of kickoff meetings, we came up with so many hilarious, wonderful, outside of the box ideas to knock down really long-standing problems. And we just did it in like, you know, our first 10 or 15 minute calls. Someone that's trying to save money, we immediately found$500 a month that she could save. Somebody that uh wanted to save time, we immediately found two hours in her schedule just by thinking differently. And so I feel so good about pouring my time and energy into that work and into the work of the bloom room. And it gives my brain something to focus on all the time. Because I'm doing this podcast for you, I'm always researching. What would they value? I'm listening to people tell me, hey, can you make an episode about compassionate observation? Can you make an episode about imposter syndrome? And I serve, you know, I serve the needs of people that I care about of all of you. And you know what that does when you find something that you can pour your energy into that matches your passion and helps the part of the world that you want to support, is you don't spend all that time fighting other people and like finding reasons that your local PTA president is doing a bad job, blaming the board, fighting on in chat rooms, getting mad at your family, yelling at your kids, or what, you know, whatever we do when we're just stressed out. It's like instead of that energy of angst and frustration and hopelessness kind of turning around and coming out of us, we actually take our energy and put it into something that we can take that energy and do something good with it. And I do just want to say it's not an either or. Like take action to fight the systems that don't feel right to you, and also take action to create things that are beautiful. Whether it's something like a dinner, like I last night had an invitation to a dinner party for women, and we all wore pink and red or were invited to and just had a beautiful, healthy food and just laughed and talked together. And there are little dinners I'm being invited to, and little trips and little concerts I'm being invited to that other that's other people creating those ideas. It doesn't have to be a big business. It doesn't have to be writing a book, it can just be putting a little wave of love into the world. So, for those of you also that saw the incredible like amount of appreciation for Bad Bunny's halftime concert, like there's so much energy around that, around the amount of moxie Bad Bunny had to be himself authentically, to not ask permission, to sing in his own language, to like represent more than himself, right? It wasn't just about him, it was about his entire country of origin and a total celebration of that culture. And how he was decided his own rules, made his own roles, said yes to what he wanted to, and no to what he didn't, um, and where he played his concerts, how he doesn't have to make women smaller in order to feel his own, it's like healthy machismo, right? It's like non-machismo, machismo. He he doesn't have to make other people smaller or degrade women in order to find the joy in masculinity. There are so many things that he did, and then at the end, his banner that said, the only thing stronger than hate is love. It made everyone so excited. And if you were one of those people that were like just in awe of him and inspired by him, take it and run with it, like someone passing you a football. Okay? Like grab that pass that he just threw and ask yourself, what is your ripple? How can you carry that ball that he threw? How's the way that you can embody love being more powerful than hate? That's your assignment. I can't wait to hear out what you come up with. Okay, on to the episode. Come on. That's enough of an intro. All right. Can I even remember this episode that I recorded a week and a half ago? Today's episode is all about staying in your model. What do I mean by that? Well, first we're gonna do a review of one of the most foundational tools that I teach, which is the regenerative thought model. And then we're gonna take it one step further into really applying it to real life inside relationships and leadership and everyday human interactions to see how our models sometimes influence each other in positive and negative ways, and how sometimes we can actually find ourselves getting caught up in somebody else's model. How it actually happens a lot. But when we have the language to ask ourselves, am I in my own model or am I in someone else's model? It gives us that agency and freedom back. So, first, let's look at the model. Let's do a little review. At its core, the model is simple. There are factual circumstances in the world. We observe them. The circumstances that are as simple as the sky being blue, the weather being sunny or rainy, the ground being made of cement, it being a Tuesday. And then based on those circumstances, we have a thought. A thought is a sentence that goes through our mind. And just because we think it, it doesn't make it true. We have all kinds of sentences that go through our mind, but each one of them create a feeling in our body, a one-word emotion. So if we're thinking this is a beautiful day, we're feeling joy. And based on that feeling, our feelings drive our behavior. If we're feeling joy, because we're thinking this is a beautiful day, we might sigh and spend an extra bit of time walking outside. We might smile at someone, we might be more present. And because of our behavior, we get our results. So in that circumstance of walking and smiling at people, we're gonna get smiles back. We're gonna have fresh air, we're gonna have great uh like circulation in our body, we're gonna be more relaxed, and it is gonna be a beautiful day for us. We create it, right? And then we say, see, I knew it. Our brains say, I knew it. Our brains collect evidence of that original thought as it loops through in the results that we get. And our results always prove the thought true every time I've seen it for years. And every time that they prove our initial thought true, we collect evidence of that thought. We're like, I knew it, even though the thought, the evidence, the results originated with the thought, right? It's a closed loop system. It's just circulating on itself. So the evidence could be nothing other than the thought because we're having that thought. Okay. So if we think they don't like me, then we act embarrassed or angry, whatever it is, which drives our behavior to act unlikable in some way by either avoiding people or kind of being snotty with them or whatever it is, which then proves to us that they don't like us because we're acting unlikable. They probably don't like us, and it proves our thought true. And we're like, see, I knew it. I knew they don't like me, I knew they don't want me around, whatever it is. Meanwhile, we're projecting on them, we're not liking them very much, right? The sneakiest part is that when our brains say, see, I knew it, it keeps that thought getting stronger and stronger in our brain. It's like hardwiring it. So that neural pathway strengthens that belief system over time, keeping us locked in really familiar patterns of thinking through this evidence collection system that's regenerating the same thoughts over and over and over in our life. So in this episode, we're gonna explore something that a lot of people don't realize. Like you're always in a thought model all day long. You're in one model, like a little snow globe. It's your own model circulating in your brain and your feeling state and your actions, creating a results in your life. You're in your model, but everybody else is too. So the people sitting next to us are in their own model. And we might be having the exact same experience. You can listen to the episode Two Things Are True to hear some examples about this, and in entirely different models, we can experience the exact same thing. We can be in the exact same conversation. I know that you've had this experience. Just think of an example of this where you're in the same conversation with someone and you feel very clearly, you have one thought, one opinion about that conversation that's very clear, and someone else has a totally different opinion about that conversation or an event that happened, and you're like, well, it's obvious that this is what happened based on how you're thinking, right? And someone else thinks the opposite. It's obvious. Bad bunny. I just talked about that concert. Some people hated it, some people loved it. We all watch the same thing, right? We all have different models that are running through our heads all the time. What happens is that sometimes we accidentally jump into somebody else's model without realizing it. And you'll know that this happens when you're like feeling really great, and then all of a sudden you feel awful. And you don't, it's like two minutes later and you're like, what happened? I like was thinking and specifically when you're thinking about the exact same thing. So you're like thinking about, you know, something very specific, feeling great about it, and then all of a sudden you're thinking about the exact same thing and and feeling after an exchange, you're feeling like really differently about it. You're like, what happened? We get in someone else's model all the time without realizing. And it happens when someone says something, does something or gives off body language or energy that impacts us, and we see their model, and all of a sudden we stop relating to our own thoughts and feelings, and we start living in their perspective instead without realizing it. Here's what we do we think, oh, are they right? I might be wrong. Wait, oh they they are introducing a thought that's totally different, and we're like, oh, was I wrong the whole time? But there's a fallacy there, right? So for instance, I was giving uh a talk. I was leading, well, it wasn't a talk, it was a meeting, it was a like an event, a gathering of a community, and we created a bunch of content and presented it, and we do this twice a year, and every time we're kind of taking a shot in the dark, we're all volunteers and we're like presenting all this content. And we got to the end of the night, and all these different speakers came up and spoke, and it was really great. And I walked away and I was like, man, we really nailed that content. And I was feeling so great about it. I was like, man, that was just like really good. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse. That was awesome. I'm sure everybody really loved that. It was very valuable. And then I saw a text from someone to somebody else that said that was all worthless. And all of a sudden I was like, was I wrong? Oh, was it not valuable? Was that worthless content for just a hot second, right? Until I caught myself and I was like, don't get in their model, stay in your model. And then maybe, you know, I thought that was actually excellent content from my perspective, and maybe I'll find out more about what they would have preferred to see. So it's not that you ignore someone else's perspective, it's just that you don't jump into it and all of a sudden believe that you're wrong. Another example is when you are parenting your kids, or um, yeah, that's a great example. When someone's parenting and they're like, I'm doing a great job. And then someone critiques their parenting and all of a sudden they're like, Am I horrible? Am I a horrible parent? Am I not doing a good job? Right? We jump into somebody else's model and we say, Was I wrong? But here's the fallacy. It's a total fallacy. Thoughts are not true or false. They're not right or wrong. There is no right or wrong. They're totally subjective. Nobody's right and nobody's wrong. So our brains start jumping into this fallacy that is like, was I wrong? Just because we think it, it doesn't make it true. Just because they think it, it doesn't make it true. There are infinite versions of things that we can think about every circumstance. And when we create that momentary confusion for ourselves, we notice that we feel disoriented or confused all of a sudden because we have two oppositional thoughts or really different thoughts at the same time and we feel confused. It's like this emotional whiplash, too, and kind of it's a disconnection from ourselves. We can remember wait, there is no true. That's their model. They're thinking that this was worthless. That's their model, that's their opinion. And when we do that, we come back to ourselves, to our own wise mind, honoring what we think, and we can still get curious, be open to feedback, but we're not gonna jump in and believe it's true. Now, first, before I talk a little bit more about how to stay in your own model, I want to talk about why this happens, because there are four big reasons that this happens. The first one is what I just talked about. We momentarily forget that thoughts are subjective. We slip into believing that there is a correct perspective. When in reality, all experiences, all thoughts can exist at once. And we choose the one that is most helpful to us as a perspective to look at things. Which thought is going to be most likely to create the results that we want? Which thought most accurately reflects how we feel about something? I'm not saying we should think that was awesome content if we actually felt it was horrible content. But if I felt it was awesome content, it is not valuable to me to all of a sudden start believing someone else that that thinks the opposite as more true than me. I can get curious and be open to feedback, but if I start believing that she's right, then I'm gonna act in really in ways that are in line with that belief system. I am gonna start apologizing for the content and assuming that everybody thought it was bad and not trusting my own choices for choosing content next time, right? Like we go into a whole series of behaviors when we get caught up in that. Okay, the second reason why it happens is that our belonging instinct kicks in. So humans are wired to avoid exclusion. And sometimes we adopt another person's perspective just to stay emotionally safe inside the group, specifically if it's a negative one. Because if someone didn't like something, if someone's critiquing us, we are detecting threats and we're like, whoop, that's negative. I better focus in on that. It's gonna gather our attention. Our brain has a negativity bias. So it's automatically gonna focus in on that. And we actually have to work to keep ourselves focused back on something more objective or more positively true. So that's the third one, relatedly, is that our threat detection takes over. Our brain's constantly scanning for danger. So if someone brings negative energy, criticism, tension, our brain overfocuses on eliminating that threat, often abandoning our own more grounded perspective. So not only do we not want to be like left out, we want to join somebody's negative opinion because maybe that will keep us safer and connected, but also we're like threat detection. She said she didn't like it. We better focus on that hard, right? I gotta neutralize the threat. And also the fourth reason is our mirror neurons make emotions contagious. So we're wired to feel what others feel, which is beautiful for empathy, but like dangerous when we unconsciously absorb and mirror back and take on emotional states that are not ours, that are all about somebody else, right? Okay. So again, how you know that you've left your model is you are feeling grounded, positive, clear, and all of a sudden, after talking to someone or an exchange with someone, you're thinking about the exact same topic, but you feel negative, confused, disoriented, self-doubt, emotionally flooded. It can feel like being in two emotional realities at once. And that's usually a sign that you're in somebody else's model. Here's the thing: when we think in models, and you can go back to the intro to this or listen to regenerative design, the podcast episode. Sorry, not regenerative design. That's about design, but I'm actually talking about regenerative thought models. So you can you can go back to that episode. It's kind of like when you learn a language and you start thinking in that language, it's really cool. It really helps you be less defensive in conversations. It helps you take things less personally, it helps you be a better listener. When you're recognizing models, you can start identifying them really clearly. You see your own model, and sometimes you see other people's model really clearly. And when you see their model, you're way less likely to take it personally. It's like, oh, that's that model. I don't want to be in that model. That doesn't look good. I'm gonna stay in this model. So let's practice the skill of staying in your own model. So it does not mean ignoring other people's experiences, it just means staying grounded in your own while still gathering information about others. All right, so we're gonna end this episode by going through the four steps to help you stay in your own model. So the first step is just when you get that feeling that you're a little disoriented or confused or all of a sudden negative, and you're like, what happened? And you realize you had an inner Interaction or observe something, even saw something that you observed that made your model change. So you really quickly shifted, either because of something somebody else said or did, or something you observed that changed how you're thinking because of your own belief system. You just feel different all of a sudden. It's kind of like weird how'd that happen. You ask yourself whether you're just ask yourself the question, am I in somebody else's model? If you are in somebody else's model, what was the thing that made you switch? What was the thing you observed? What was the thing someone said? What made you switch models and jump in? Just rewind to that moment so you can observe compassionately. Oh that's what happened. I just bumped into somebody else thinking something really different and just jumped right in with them. Oh, dang. And when you do that, the next step is to remember what were you thinking before that was making you feel so good? What was your original model, or at least making you feel peaceful, whatever it was. And then the last step is do I want to go back to my original model or what's the new model I want that's somewhere in between? What's something that that I want to be thinking right now? So for instance, I don't mean somewhere in between, like, well, maybe the content for that talk was only okay. What I mean is, I still think it was awesome. I'll just do some learning to find it out what else people want to hear about, right? So something that takes into account that you have some information and still stays true to your own belief system, or just ignoring the other person's model and going back to your own. Here's another example to close us out that's probably pretty relatable. When we're in an argument with someone and we are saying one thing, or we're having a discussion then that goes into an argument, and someone else says something hurtful or painful that then we think, is that true? So they say a criticism of us, and all of a sudden we're thinking, maybe I am like that. And we feel frustrated and sad at ourselves or defensive and we start fighting back. It is so helpful to think that's their model. I am again wanting to say it's not that we're not open to feedback. Okay, that's the important part. We're gonna stay in our own model, in our own belief, in our own belief system, and then get curious. What are they thinking that's making them feel like that? And I wonder why. I wonder what that model is all about. I wonder where that model came from. And we can even say, tell me more. What made you feel like that? Or what's making you think that? And from that place we can stay in our own model but learn about them. And then be so compassionate because we're understanding more about what's making our people sad or frustrated, and that allows us to eventually shift our model in a really healthy way where we might still think what we think, but say, ah, and I'm gonna be more thoughtful about this because I totally get where they were coming from, and I could improve in that way. So staying in your model helps you understand and connect with other people better. It's not at all about ignoring other people or only believing what you believe. It's about staying grounded in yourself. So get out there, stay in your models. And that's what I've got for you this week. I'll see you next time. If you like what you're hearing on the podcast, you gotta come and join us in the Bloom Room. This is a year-round membership where we take all of these concepts and we apply them to real life in a community where we have each other's backs and we bring out the best in each other. We're all there to make our ideas real, one idea at a time.