Ep 166: Five Mindset Hacks That Bloom Your Love

If you’ve ever thought that focusing on the good in your relationship is “cheating” or “fooling yourself,” this episode is your reset.

Because the truth is: this is exactly what the most successful, long-lasting, deeply fulfilling relationships are built on.

In this episode, we dive into five powerful (and yes, a little sassy) mindset shifts that will help you become the spark in your relationship. The one who brings the energy, the connection, the playfulness, and the depth—on purpose.

Because love isn’t something you wait for.
It’s something you create with how you think.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode

• Why focusing on what’s working in your relationship is backed by research—and not delusion
  How your thoughts shape what you see, feel, and create in love
• Why the most successful couples actively choose beliefs that strengthen their bond
• How to use mindset as a tool to increase connection, attraction, and appreciation
• Five specific, practical mindset hacks you can apply immediately to transform your relationship
• How research supports the effort we put into mindset as the highest yielding investment we can make in our relationship. 

These five mindset shifts are simple—but they are not small.

They change what you notice.
 They change how you feel.
 They change how you show up.
 And that changes everything in your relationship.

You don’t need your partner to change first.
 You get to lead.

And when you do, love expands.

That’s what I’ve got for you this week. 💛

How to connect with Marie:

• On the Web | The Local Bloom
• Instagram: @the.bloom.coach
• All Things Marie on LinkTree

JOIN THE BLOOM ROOM!
We'll take all these ideas and apply them to our lives. Follow me on Instagram at @the.bloom.coach to learn more and snag a spot in my group coaching program!

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:08

Welcome to the Bloom Your Mind Podcast, where we take all of your ideas for what you want and we turn them into real things. I'm your host, certified coach Marie McDonald. Let's get into it.

Why Lenses Change Relationship Reality

The We So Special Mindset

The Backstage Pass Mindset

Look For What You Like

The Nancy Drew Gratitude Habit

The Super Fan Mindset

The One Precious Day Perspective

Wrap Up And Join The Bloom Room

SPEAKER_01 0:27

Well, hello, my friends. Welcome to the Bloom Your Mind podcast to episode number 166. So today I taught the second of the three classes in the Love and Moxie Relationships course. And it is so fun. That content is just so fun. Class one was really lighthearted and all about how we can be the spark in our relationships by managing the way that we're perceiving our relationship, our person, what we're looking for. Are we looking for the good or the bad in our relationship? Are we what are we focused on? And how are we bringing into the relationship the energy that we want to get back out of it? We got to code our energy so that the stuff that we're putting in matches what we want to get out. We gotta be, we gotta go first and be the change we want to see. And then today was a conflict resolution class that was all about the core skills around listening, communicating, problem solving, being you and me against the problem, all these conflict resolution techniques so conflict can connect us in our relationships rather than separate us. And then the third class is coming up next week. And so we are having so much fun in there. And if you have missed the classes, no problem. I put them all into a format where you can take them on your own anytime and still have a connection and communication channel with me for questions and support. Um, so don't worry, just reach out to me if you want the link and I'll be promoting that so people can grab that course afterwards if they'd like to. And uh what I wanted to do today is give you some of the tools from the first class because people had a lot of fun with them. So while in some of the other classes we're more action-oriented or we have tools to navigate challenging times and conflict, part of the first class was just really fun and silly. And I wanted to give a few of these fun, silly lenses to you because people just, yeah, had a good time applying them to their relationships. So I did in the bloom room today, as I was coaching that group, hear from one person that she has heard me talk about a core couple of these core concepts of mine before. Um, these are concepts that I've invented over time and they're embedded in and weave in and out of the research I've done for years around relationships with Dr. Becky Kennedy, with the Gottmans, with all, you know, Brene Brown, all kinds of research that I've done for many years around relationships. And she said that, you know, she had heard one of my podcasts long ago called Five Little Love Hacks and she loved it. And there's a couple of these tools in there. But she said what the first time she heard it, she felt like these tools were really impossible for her and her partner. But after the last two months of working with me in the bloom room, she has made such leaps and bounds with her own mind management, her own ability to use her own neuroplastic possibility, right? She is like changing the way that she is thinking and through increasing her emotional regulation skills and her perception around what she can control, her own thoughts, feelings, and behavior. She this past weekend applied the fun lenses that I'm about to share with you and had an absolute blast with her fiance. They were all, they went from two months ago feeling impossible to being like a super fun way to spend time together. They were just obsessed with each other all weekend. And even when things went wrong and plans backfired and cars broke down, they were laughing and enjoying their time together because of how these lenses in our perception absolutely shift our reality. So, the first, I'm gonna share five fun mindsets. And I've given them silly names, and so you can have fun with them. And hopefully you can try them on. Let me know what you think. All right, so these are mindsets that we can try on for fun to be the spark in our relationships and to really like put effort into how we are thinking about our person and our love. So the first mindset I called the we so special mindset. So there was a study published in the US News and World Report that looked at couples in long-lasting relationships. And one of the qualities that these couples shared was that they believed the relationship was special. They believed they had something unique, something rare. And that made them want to protect it. So they call this joint savoring. Couples who consciously focus on and celebrate their positive shared moments or the uniqueness of their bond or how special they are are more likely to stay together. And that belief that they have something special to protect decreases stress and reduces conflict. And this lines up with other research. I always talk about this article. I don't know how many times I've said it on the podcast, but I love it because it's like such a good example of what I teach, which is this article in The Atlantic called Super Friends. Some of you are like, yeah, yeah, yeah. That found that people who easily make friends tend to share one belief. Wait for it. They believe they'll easily make friends, that people will like them. And because they believe that, they walk into rooms with open hearts and open body language and expect connection. And so they find it. So our beliefs shape what we see and how we act, and then what the results are that we're creating in our life. So if you believe your relationship is special, you will start noticing all the reasons why that's true. You're gonna collect evidence for why it's so special. You're gonna protect that special thing. It's more precious, more secret. So here's our first question: why is your relationship special? Why is it unique? And that can be your primary relationship or a relationship with anybody. So my husband and I, Max and I, to the core of my bones, I believe that we're special. We have this super, super special thing that I am so lucky to have. Like sometimes I think I'm living in a simulation because of how much I love my husband and my kids, and how much I would invent them if like I would invent exactly them if I was inventing my partner and my kids. I think of us as like Max as like this rock star design builder, and I'm an artist and a thought leader, and we make everything with our hands, and we laugh all the time, and we love the living shit out of each other and our kids, and I'm obsessed with our story because I choose to be, because I tell it in a way that is obsessable. Okay. So be obsessed with your story. Tell it in a way that you love. And funny thing, when I was writing the content for this course, I thought about my other two true loves in my life. We also thought we had something special and unique, and it made our relationship really, really good. So that doesn't decrease the specialness of Max and I. He's my forever person, but hey, it works. It creates a lot of love to believe that what you have is really special. Okay, so your homework for this first mindset is to think about why the love that you have with someone is special and unique and tell them. It will literally create a new reality in their mind and bring you closer together. And then you can ask them what their opinion is about why your relationship is so fun. Okay, number two, the backstage pass mindset. All right, I remember when Max and I got engaged, I was nervous, but not to marry him and be with him forever. I was nervous because loving him felt like a big responsibility because he's an incredible human being. He also lost his mom when he was a kid, so she wasn't gonna be in that front row seat with me, telling him all the reasons he's amazing and supporting him through his life. And Max and I renewed our vows in the fall. And while we were up there in front of all our people, I told him this again: that loving him is an extraordinary responsibility and an honor because I have the front row seats to his life. I have the backstage pass, and nobody else has that. So that's what you have for your person. You see their struggles, their gifts, their courage, their effort, their dreams, their fears, their low spots. And when you don't notice those things, nobody else does either. Because you're the one with the backstage pass, the VIP pass. You're the one that has that unique, up close front row seat that you have of them. So whether they're your daughter or your parent or your spouse or your best friend, no one has the view of them that you do. So if you don't see them and acknowledge them, witness them, love them, learn about them, nobody does. You get the backstage pass. And you can amplify the good things and show them their efforts when things are hard. And that's a responsibility, the responsibility of loving someone. And one of the most loving things you can do for another human being is to see them. So be good at having that backstage pass. See them, witness them. Every human deserves that. I'm my um my mom's only daughter, so I have a special vantage point for her. And I take it seriously. I got the backstage pass to that. I gotta show her the ways that she's an amazing girl mom. I'm my kid's only mom. I'm my partner's only partner. The one he tells about his whole day and and hears I hear the rough cuts of his newest songs. If I don't care about that stuff, nobody knows. When we renewed our vows, I told everybody that yes, he is an amazing design builder and a rock and roll star and the things that we all see, but he also does a thousand tiny acts of service every day to take care of his family. And if I don't notice that, nobody will. And if I don't say it, he won't know I notice it. So let's have you take your homework here to carry the responsibility of that backstage pass. How can you witness your partner a little more fully? How can you take responsibility for the gift of loving them? Um, take it on a little bit more delightfully. Have fun with it. It is a gift. All right, next, look for what you like. One of the most powerful habits you can build is simply looking for what you like because your brain is gonna find whatever you train it to find. If you look for flaws, you'll find them. If you look for things to love, you'll find them. And I'm gonna break this one down into a few different tools for you. But to start, you can always tap into this thinking by asking yourself what made you fall in love with your person in the first place. Tell people that story. Tell the answer to that question to your partner. All right, here's some fun hacks. The Nancy Drew mindset. I named it this because my mom was just telling me and my daughter that she read these books and I read these books, and that it was such a big deal when Nancy Drew came out because no one was a girl detective yet. And so it was badass. So that's why it's Nancy Drew. You're gonna become a detective and look for everything that you're grateful for, like Nancy Drew would. Just observe your partner and notice all the things they do to make your life, your work easier. Take care of pets, take care of the house, take care of themselves, and then say thank you as often as you can for as many things as you can. Notice their effort. Notice the things they do that make your life easier, notice how they show up and thank them for it. It creates not just validation and acknowledgement and all the good feels and hormones for our partner, but it also reinforces the things that you love that are wonderful for you. And we're more likely to repeat things when we know it makes a difference to somebody else. We know our effort's seen and we know it matters, so we keep making that effort. And it also does amazing things for your brain and your system. Like you can go from annoyed and stressed because you're focused on how they're five minutes late again, to full of all of the amazing benefits that gratitude gives you in your own body. And it doesn't mean you can't address the other things that you want to problem solve or change, but as a set point, if you focus on what you're grateful for and say thank you, you're much more likely to be able to solve the other problems together as a team. And it's wild because many couples avoid saying thank you for the small things. We worry that if we acknowledge what our partner's doing, it somehow will minimize what we're doing. And one of the most common fights between couples is who is doing more. But the truth is we are all doing so much. And ironically, when you start thanking your partner more, something incredible happens. They start doing the same for you. Gratitude multiplies. One of my amazing clients wanted her partner to say thank you to her more. My coaching for her was to start being the change she wants to see, to go first. So she started saying thank you to him more. She did it, and then he started doing it. He followed her lead. So going first is a huge hack. All right, number four out of five, the super fan mindset. This is one of my favorites. Be obsessed with your partner. Here's some tips on how to bring that feeling in for yourself. Your brain has an 80% negativity bias. It's gonna focus you in naturally on all the things you're annoyed by, the ways your partner doesn't measure up, all the negatives. So get ahead of it. Make a list of what you love about your partner. What do you love about them physically? I love my partner's eyebrows, his dimples, the inside of his elbow. I know that's weird, but I think it's because that's what I see when he plays guitar. I love how he looks in his clothes, his style. What do you love about your person physically? What do you love about their personality? I love how Max looks kind of intimidating to people, but he's a big old lover inside. What do you love about the way they show up in the world? I love that he does not bullshit. He is super honest if he's annoyed by someone or something and he will not have it. I love how much music and woodwork he makes. I love how he prioritizes our family. What do you love about your person? Here's what happens when you make that list. You remind yourself of all the things, and then you subconscious, your subconscious bias kicks in and you notice them more. Instead of the stuff that annoys you, you start to notice all those things you love. And here's a pro tip: do it for yourself too. Make a list about all the things that you love about yourself, and your brain will start logging all those qualities in you and the people around you. So I ask myself what I love about Max all the time. And I also intentionally generate feelings of attraction and excitement and flirtiness for him in myself. I let myself feel like I have a crush onto my husband because those feelings keep love alive and fresh. And then turn all of those quality super fan observations into compliments, into high-quality compliments that you say out loud. Be specific and detailed in your compliments. Tell your partner what impresses you, what you respect about them. Tell them what you appreciate about how they move through the world, about them physically. Say it out loud. Say it in front of other people. Admiration is an incredible fuel for love. And then lastly, I call this the one precious day mindset. This one's a little bit dark sometimes, but y'all, it really puts things in perspective for me. It's easy to think that we have forever with the people that we love, but the truth is we don't know how much time we have. No time is guaranteed. I read an article that reflected on how when we really think about how often we see our friends or our loved ones per year, it puts into perspective that we don't have forever together. If we live far away, we might see someone 12 more times in our life. With certain friends who live far away, that's like really weird to think about because our brain thinks we have forever together. And with our partners, we tend to assume we have endless time, but that's not true. We just don't. And when you remember that and you look at your person and you think about how no days together are certain. None of them are for sure. None of them are things we're entitled to. And you think for just a second about what it would be like if you didn't have all the time in the world left with your person, it really puts their preciousness into perspective. It takes one thought like that and one glance at my husband to just woof glow up my heart and make me so grateful for every second I have with him and all the little things he does. Every day I like five days a week, I take my friend's Pilates-ish class online. And at the end, she always says to be thankful for the gift of just one more day here on earth. And in my mind, I always add, yeah, one more day here on earth with my loves. So the practice is to remember that time with our people is not guaranteed, and to be grateful for every day we have here on earth with them. All right, that is five mindset hacks to play with your love and moxie. And it's a sneak peek into the relationships course. Let me know if you would like to see the rest of it, learn from the rest of it. And may you have so much love and moxie in your life. That's what I've got for you today, and I'll see you next week.

SPEAKER_00 17:31

If you like what you're hearing on the podcast, you gotta come and join us in the Bloom Room. This is a year-round membership where we take all of these concepts and we apply them to real life in a community where we have each other's backs and we bring out the best in each other. We're all there to make our ideas real. One idea at a time.