119: Seek the Risk: Tools for Working Through Challenges and Emotions in Non-Monogamy feat. Author Adam Darrow

In this episode, Elle and Vee go deep with Adam Darrow, the author of Seek the Risk: One Man's Journey Into Non-Monogamy. Described as a "firsthand recounting of a wide-open relationship, told with unflinching candor from the male perspective", Elle and Vee were struck by the relatability of Adam's ENM story in Seek the Risk, from the overthinking and jealousy to the adventurous sex and deep connection in his relationship. His firsthand account of how he worked through the challenging emotional moments of his relationship with "the wrong girl" is FULL of nuggets, many of which are mentioned in this deep, candid, vulnerable conversation.  Grab a pen and dig in :) 

What does Seek the Risk mean? "Experience hunting" rather than "trophy bagging". (2:52)

Applying the Seek the Risk philosophy to CNM (consensual non monogamy). (6:49)

Misalignment and shame: when one partner is the one who is pushing, and one is being pushed. Being mindful and careful about not shaming the “slower” partner. (9:23)

The treasure you seek: when do you know it’s growth vs. self-flagellation? (15:13)

Tool #1: Creating a container to hear stories about your partner’s sexual activities so you aren’t blindsided by them. Asking for consent to share information. (18:30)

Tool #2: Check-ins/debriefs. (23:37)

Being triggered at a sex party and how to work through it. (25:36)

Tool #3: “Take the cigarette break.” aka Not reacting in the moment. Notice your own growth! (31:22)

Tool #4: Self-hypnosis aka “magical reframing”. (36:01)

Tool #5: “Exist in the grey.” Don’t act on emotions when spiraling out: sit with uncomfortable feelings. “Negative outcome fantasy.” (38:50)

Imposter syndrome: how our childhood traumas show up in our adult relationships. (43:37)

IFS: internal family systems and Aspecting (from ISTA). (49:52)

Masculinity: Societal hypocrisies and submissive associations with pegging and anal play. (52:58)

Final Nugget! (1:00:34)

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