Mini Episode: What If Losing Control Is The First Lesson Of Motherhood

A healthy baby and a healthy mom can still leave a complicated story behind. We open the door to a birth that didn’t follow the plan: an epidural that didn’t work, Pitocin contractions that crashed like waves, and a mind trying to keep pace with a body doing the unimaginable. What sounded like chaos turns out to be wisdom—instinctive movement that helped a baby rotate and descend, progress made in spite of pain, and a partner steadying the room when words ran out.

Together we examine where control slipped and why that matters. We talk plainly about augmentation, how to assess whether an epidural is effective, and when dialing back Pitocin should be on the table. We explore the emotional fallout of early moments—jealousy when a partner holds the baby first, the sting of being told rather than asked, the reality of stitches and exhaustion. Along the way, we track how hospital culture is changing, from the golden hour of skin-to-skin to more thoughtful language that invites consent and restores agency.

This isn’t a tidy highlight reel. It’s a reframed narrative that honors labor as both physical work and emotional landscape. If your birth story still makes your throat tighten, you’re not broken—you’re human. Come hear how naming the moment things went sideways can loosen the knot, how instinct deserves credit, and how small shifts in communication can transform the way we remember meeting our children. If this conversation helps you see your own story with kinder eyes, share it with a friend, hit follow, and leave a quick review to help more parents find their footing.

Listen to the full episode where Erin Hall shares her birth stories here: https://www.thebirthjourneyspodcast.com/hurricanes-epidurals-and-holding-on-with-erin-hall/

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Kelly Hof: Labor Nurse + Birth Coach
Basically, I'm your birth bestie! With me as your coach, you will tell fear to take a hike!

Chapters

• 0:00 Naming The Trauma
• 1:53 The Epidural That Didn’t Work
• 3:58 Pitocin, Pain, And Control
• 7:13 Instinctive Movement Explained
• 10:48 Validating The Work She Did
• 14:08 First Hold, Jealousy, And Stitches
• 17:38 Breastfeeding And Uncertainty

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:28

Throughout the whole thing, we were both healthy. We both came out fine. She's great. She's almost nine. And I survived. That's what I get to say for that.

SPEAKER_00: 0:41

Let's pause for a sec. Okay. Because there's still some unprocessed emotions there. Um so you told what I would consider a pretty traumatic story because what I define as trauma is your brain can't connect with what is happening to your body. Like your brain cannot explain it. And so I hear a lot of, oh my God, what is happening to me? My body is out of control. So I kind of want to, I want to hear from you what parts were the hardest parts or the parts where you felt, you know, you described feeling like something from the exorcist. Yes. Right. Are there points in the story that you could go back and pinpoint that you need to work through?

SPEAKER_01: 1:26

It would be the point up to where the nurse was like, how are you physically doing that? Because that's when the realization hit that the epidural did not take. And I guess it's something that could have been avoided. Potentially. I mean, if the epidural took the first time, then I wouldn't have been in that pain. Right. And but it didn't. And obviously you can't change that. But that, I mean, that is definitely if I have PTSD over something, it's that excruciating pain from the Pitocin. If I went back, would I have let them give me Pitocin, knowing that Bedural didn't take? I don't know. If that Pedro took, the Pitocin doesn't like it would have been an irrelevant thing. You know what I mean? Yeah. So I mean, that's definitely the point where it was just, I'd been active labor for a long time at that point. And like you're just physically exhausted.

SPEAKER_00: 2:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 2:23

My brain was not functioning.

SPEAKER_00: 2:25

No. I feel like what I'm hearing you say is your brain was trying to, and this is what women do. We gaslight ourselves into thinking that we're fine or we should be fine. So we need to suck it up, right? And you and Brandon didn't know that everything was not fine. So how could you have said anything? Like you're in that pressure cooker, you know, like, you know, the frog in the hot water, it just gets hotter and hotter and hotter. And so all you were doing was coping. And the way that you were sitting was the only way that was comfortable. So you were trying to figure out how to cope in that situation. And then come to find out you potentially didn't need to. Is that what you kind of felt?

SPEAKER_01: 3:05

Yeah. I mean, probably obviously the pain caused trauma, but it's probably more of the point where I wasn't in control of any of the situation. Yeah. That's probably where it stems from more.

SPEAKER_00: 3:21

Was it do you feel like it was you didn't feel in control because you thought you had the epidural and you felt like there was nothing else that could be done? Maybe. Okay. And if you don't want to, if you don't want to dive deep right now, you don't have to.

SPEAKER_01: 3:35

We can. I just there's so much of that time I don't remember, probably because my brain is like, we don't want you to. That's true.

SPEAKER_00: 3:47

That's true. I find that if we can kind of pinpoint the time where we realize we didn't have to be as strong as we were, we can legitimize the feelings of being completely out of control or realize that what you went through was truly an intense, painful experience that most people would feel was traumatic, right? Right. Then we can kind of take a breath and realize okay, what I did was really hard. And I don't want to say we could go back and change it, but if you could go back and understand what was happening a little bit better, we can kind of alleviate some of that. So you were saying that your body was doing things that you normally wouldn't do. Like you were moving in in ways that were not natural for you. And then you finally managed to settle on sitting straight up. So what you were doing, although like with the pitocin, if you're having contractions every 30 seconds, that's really hard, right? But what you were doing was you were probably moving your baby down in your pelvis, honestly, because let me try to piece it together. I don't know if you like have a complete timeline, but did they check your cervix before you got the second epidural?

SPEAKER_01: 5:10

I don't recall them doing it.

SPEAKER_00: 5:12

Okay. So what we do when we're moving around in labor is we try to move with our body so that we alleviate pressure and pain. And while that sounds horrific, and in your situation, I think it probably was, what we're doing is we're working with our baby. So you have a baby that's pushing on the bones of your pelvis and trying to work her way down. And as you have a contraction, your baby's head is moving to one side or the other, or twisting and rotating, or doing all of the above. And as you feel that there's a place of pressure where your baby's pushing, that's probably going to be an obstacle for your baby. So then you move so that you can kind of get out of the way of that obstacle. And as you're doing so, you're pushing your baby down in your body to make it so that your baby can be born. So when you say that you are bending in ways that you normally couldn't, yes, you're probably doing things more exaggerated than what we would be doing in natural labor, right? Because you had a pitocin going. And that's not to say that Pitocin always does that. It sounds like if you're having contractions every 30 seconds, it might have been a little bit too much Pitocin. They probably could have backed off at that point. But the fact that you found ways to try to figure out how to get comfortable, you were doing all the things that I would have had you do had I been there, right? You were just doing them instinctually. You're listening to your body. So I just want you to know that while you felt like you weren't able to cope, that's exactly what you're doing. And you were helping your baby move down, right? And what your husband was doing, what Brandon was doing, was composing himself so that he could be there for you. So you guys were really doing everything you needed to do with the knowledge that you had. And so I just want you to know how great you did, despite feeling completely out of control. You were completely in the moment, using all of your instincts and doing the absolute right thing. And then when somebody came in and validated your feelings and realized that what had happened was your epidural wasn't working, you'd already done all the work. And then you got to take a nap and your baby was ready to come out. So I don't know if it was the relaxation that helped. I mean, that does help. It helps you really, you know, relax your muscles, but I think you probably did a lot of that work moving around and trying to get your baby in the right position. Does that feel any better?

SPEAKER_01: 7:34

Yeah. Exactly. I told you not to make me cry.

SPEAKER_00: 7:40

I'm sorry. I told you I guaranteed I would. Yeah. So when you said that Brandon held Kylie and you weren't sure if you could, what were you feeling at that point?

SPEAKER_01: 7:50

Oh, I was it's I joke about it, but it was more I wanted to hold her.

SPEAKER_00: 7:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 7:58

So there's probably some jealousy that he got to hold her first because they had a cleaner, and I did not want to hold a pooping baby or a baby covered in poop. I'm glad he got to. And I did get to hold her, and it was beautiful. And then we can go into a whole nother thing about breastfeeding. But it was hard. What was hard about it? Does it sound stupid if I say I don't know now? No. I mean, I think it's the it was the not knowing and not having control of the situation. That's hard to give up. I'm actually really good at adjusting to things, but I think the I don't know if anybody could have prepared for what happened to happen. Right. So I can't say, oh, if I had, you know, learned more about it, or oh, sometimes the epidural doesn't take, then I mean no that could be a thing.

SPEAKER_00: 9:05

Do you feel like you did something wrong? I mean, we say you need plan A through Z, but really, how do you plan? Right. Right. I hear you saying a lot about control. Is it the fact that you felt out of control when you felt that you needed to be in control that's the hardest?

SPEAKER_01: 9:23

Probably. Because it didn't follow my plan. It didn't follow what I want to have happen. The plan that you didn't have. Exactly. Well, we had a plan that was gonna go all natural and everything was gonna be great, and we were gonna bounce on my ball, and we were gonna do our silly pregnancy dance.

SPEAKER_00: 9:39

And so I feel like birth is kind of the first welcome into motherhood and what it's really gonna be like. Yeah. That whole I'm actually not in control. Yes. And I know you deal with that daily, right?

SPEAKER_01: 9:58

Yes.

SPEAKER_00: 9:59

Children are fun, they are, and you roll with the punches there. And do you feel like you're really in control? No, okay. I feel like I have a resemblance of control. You can respond to the situation without feeling you're physically out of control. Yes. And you didn't feel that way during your birth. Correct. Okay. So from my perspective, I feel like you had a lot more control than you think you did because of all the things you did instinctually in order to help your baby come out. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_01: 10:35

It definitely makes me feel better. Okay. About everything that did happen. I mean, Kylie's almost nine, and I never would have thought my body was moving in ways to make her shift to where she needed to be. So it definitely makes me feel better about that.

SPEAKER_00: 10:52

I mean, this the fact that you she broke your water and they had to tell you not to push. Right. That tells me that you did a lot of work. I did a lot of something. You did a lot of work. And then you got a well-deserved nap. It was a much needed nap. Yeah. And then after all of that, they cleaned her off and gave her to Brandon. Did were they doing anything with you? Did you at all feel like you physically couldn't hold her?

SPEAKER_01: 11:19

Oh, well, no. They I couldn't hold her right away. They had to stitch me up.

SPEAKER_00: 11:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 11:24

I was very torn. Yeah. So they had to stitch me up. So they didn't want me while they were doing that, they didn't want me to hold her.

SPEAKER_00: 11:33

And then afterwards, once you were like all cleaned up and everything, you had a chance.

SPEAKER_01: 11:38

Yes.

SPEAKER_00: 11:38

Then I got to hold her. So saying that Kylie is now nine and just kind of thinking back to practices back then. I feel like, and this was kind of the way of it when um my daughter was born. It wasn't standard to do immediate skin to skin with mom while the repair was happening. It wasn't until I feel like it became much more standard like five years ago now. Because my youngest is six. It was probably three or four years after that that it really started becoming standard. Because I worked at other hospitals after my son was born, and they still weren't fully doing like the golden hour skin to skin. So unfortunately, it was probably just the standard of practice back then. Now, if you have a baby, I feel like more hospitals are understanding the benefits of immediate skin to skin for one hour and will help you hold your baby. And then if you state that you don't feel like you can, they'll help you, or they'll find somebody else to do the skin to skin. Like it sounds like they did with Brandon. Also, people don't like necessarily like holding poopy.

SPEAKER_01: 12:47

I didn't want poop on me. I at that point I didn't anyway. Right. Yeah. I wasn't gonna be able to shower right away. So it's I understand why I didn't get her right away. If that makes sense.

SPEAKER_00: 12:59

Was it because you stated that you didn't want her, or because they were like, let's take a moment?

SPEAKER_01: 13:04

I think it was more let's take a moment, we let's get her cleaned off. And Brandon was he was there. Yeah. You know, and then they had to stitch me up in the afterbirth and all that stuff.

SPEAKER_00: 13:14

So I've definitely worked in places where there was still that, I don't even know what to call it. Like I want to say patriarchal, but maybe not, but almost like talking down to moms and telling them what they want and what they need. I feel like I've worked in places where that was the standard for a long time. And I don't know if the culture is shifting yet, but I'm trying to help it shift. Right. Like you, when you know better, you do better. And I feel like I have consciously tried to remove that type of communication from my standard practice and asked moms what they wanted because I don't know that we really had a handle on what kind of negative emotions linger after we do things like that where we say, I'm gonna take your baby and I'm going to clean your baby up. Even if that's kind of part of what you wanted, still that you weren't asked, right. Still feels out of control.

SPEAKER_01: 14:12

Yeah, I can see that. I mean, I didn't want to hold a poopy baby. Right. But I guess not having the option, even if I would have said, no, no, no, clean her up. But again, I was maybe they did ask me. I don't remember.

SPEAKER_00: 14:26

And then there there might have been kind of a disappointment in yourself or not feeling able. Right. Yeah. I feel all of that. That happened when Kayla was born as well, because the doctor told me to reach down and take her, but she was floppy and blue. She just felt like a sack of jello. I was like, I can't hold this baby. Please take her to the team that's over there. And then I had all these emotions about like, why couldn't I hold my baby? And why didn't she ask me if I wanted to reach down and grab her? Because I didn't feel strong enough to do that. And then should I have been strong enough to do that? And all of those questions come up. And it's such an incredibly vulnerable moment when you're first meeting your child that it's so easy to feel like you've done something wrong. And that sticks with you for a long time. And it's not necessarily, I don't want to fault the medical community because we're still trying to figure out how to navigate that because everybody's gonna have different feelings. But I just want moms out there to know that it's okay to really work through that and forgive yourself for feeling not as strong as you wanted to in that moment and for reacting in the only way that you know how, because you really do need you really do need support in that moment. And if you're handing your baby off to someone because you don't feel capable, or if you don't want poop all over your body, you know, it's it's okay if it's okay to feel vulnerable and outside of your comfort zone. For you specifically, your comfort zone was having poop all over you, and that's completely understandable. That's gross. You already feel completely exposed. There's somebody down there sewing everything up. You're you've probably been naked and sweaty and all those things, and to have one more thing on top of you covered in poop was like, Come on. Hard pass. I'm good, thank you. That's really hard, yeah. But I understand like the feeling of disappointment. Like, what I don't get to hold my baby, it's that's rough.

SPEAKER_01: 16:26

Yeah, moms, it's not like what they show in movies. It really isn't. There's so much going on in that moment.