213. Your Relationship with Yourself Shapes Everything w/ Guest: Arlene Miller

Transformational coach Arlene Miller opens up about her remarkable journey from high-pressure attorney to mindfulness expert in this captivating conversation about authentic work-life harmony. After decades practicing law while raising a family, Arlene shares the moment she recognized her burnout wasn't just fatigue—it was a call to completely reimagine her relationship with herself and her career.

The discussion quickly moves beyond standard self-care advice into practical techniques anyone can implement immediately. Arlene introduces simple yet powerful breathwork practices that physiologically shift your nervous system from stress to calm without requiring extra time in your day. "We forget to breathe," she notes, explaining how this foundational practice creates space for deeper transformation.

Most compelling is Arlene's framework for breaking free from self-judgment—what she calls the hamster wheel of negativity. Rather than promoting quick fixes, she advocates for consistent awareness, explaining how recognizing our inner critic allows us to embrace our role as our own inner coach instead. This perspective shift transforms how we approach challenges, setbacks, and even past wounds, creating pathways for genuine healing and growth.

The conversation takes an unexpected turn when exploring boundaries, with Arlene challenging conventional wisdom about how we protect our energy. "We set our boundaries based on how the other person is," she explains, offering a refreshing perspective on maintaining strong boundaries even with those closest to us. This approach allows us to share love from our overflow rather than depleting ourselves by absorbing others' negative emotions.

Whether you're facing burnout, struggling with self-criticism, or seeking more authentic connections, Arlene's insights provide a roadmap for creating meaningful change through self-awareness, intentional breathing, and unconditional self-love. Connect with her work at jewelconsultancy.com and discover how transforming your relationship with yourself ripples outward to enhance every area of your life.

Chapters

• 0:20 Mindset Cafe Introduction
• 0:58 Arlene Miller's Personal Journey
• 6:42 Building A Tribe While Managing Career
• 9:05 From Law to Transformational Coaching
• 13:53 Effective Work-Life Harmony Techniques
• 21:36 Breaking Free from Self-Judgment
• 28:06 Self-Love and Healing Past Wounds
• 34:31 Setting Healthy Boundaries
• 37:16 Manifestation Through Action

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Yeah, it's Mindset Cafe. We all about that mindset. Gotta stay focused. Now go settle for the last. It's all in your head how you think you manifest. So get ready to rise, cause we about to be the best. Gotta switch it up. Gotta break the old habits. Get your mind right. Turn your dreams into habits. No negative vibes, only positive thoughts. What is up, guys? Welcome to another episode of the Mindset Cafe podcast. It's your boy, devin, and today I'm honored to be welcomed with a special guest, arlene Miller. She is a transformational coach, she is an attorney, she is a meditation facilitator and, honestly, she is an expert in just the work-life harmony overall. She has had decades of experience in high-pressure careers and Arlene's really dedicated her life to helping women and professionals really find balance and fulfillment and peace while navigating that career success, that relationship success and, honestly, just personal self-growth. So, without further ado, arlene, thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to hop on.

Speaker 2: 1:02

Thank you for having me, I mean thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to hop on Thank you for having me.

Speaker 1: 1:06

So let's dive straight in. Right, you know where did your journey really go. I like to hear it straight from the source. Get a little bit of background. You know from you like from bring up. You know your childhood all the way up until, like you know where we're at today.

Speaker 2: 1:21

Well, I had a pretty normal childhood. I grew up in Louisville, kentucky. My mom was a stay-at-home mom. She thought she'd made it. Her parents were pretty poor, so she was thrilled to stay home and be a mother, and just in a regular neighborhood where kids were still outside, playing with each other and doing kick the can and football and everything like that, and so, yeah, pretty normal.

Speaker 2: 1:41

And when I was 15, I decided that I wanted to be an attorney Big shock to my mom and dad and I did. I went to law school. I went to college in law school, got my degree, got married my second year in law school. I'm not married to him anymore, but anyway we moved up to Cleveland, ohio, when we both graduated and so I worked for some other attorneys for a few years and then I went out on my own. I had a solo practice, immediately found out I was pregnant and I didn't have a tribe.

Speaker 2: 2:13

You know my, my family, both of our families were in Kentucky. All my friends from law school, all my support, like business-wise. They were in like the lower part of Ohio and Indiana, kentucky, beginning their law law school, their careers in law, and so I had to, like learn how to develop my own tribe as a new business owner and a soon-to-be mother and their work and like coaches back then that I knew of, you know that did this kind of stuff. So you know I tried a counselor and that didn't really help. So I just sort of built my own tribe and my own life and, um yep, when my son was nine I sold the business.

Speaker 2: 2:52

We moved to um, longmont, colorado, um by I'd gotten. I started off in divorce law that was kind of print me out, and then I went to commercial law and I was helping businesses collect their debts and so I bought into a small boutique firm that was doing the same thing out in Colorado and we sold the business about a little over six years ago. And before we sold it I got a diploma in coaching and mentoring, a diploma in transformational holistic counseling and certification in meditation and I was just going to use it in the practice of law. But then I just got really burnt out and I just needed to do something else. So I decided I was going to do what I love full time and we sold the business.

Speaker 1: 3:36

Well, that I mean. That's that is awesome, that you found a new passion and everything. What was the original passion or inspiration to go into law?

Speaker 2: 3:46

I just feel like a really cool thing. I mean, I knew I could help people and I also knew that I just always had this thing I wanted to be an independent woman and not have to get married, to have someone take care of me, to get married because we wanted to get married, and so that just seemed like the ideal career and it just seemed interesting and challenging and something that, you know, I could really thrive in and enjoy.

Speaker 1: 4:11

No, that is. It's super interesting, I mean, cause you're raising a family and you're going into I mean I've had clients that have been, you know, going through law school and even you know, working as an attorney and it is not a time friendly job necessarily. So you know working as an attorney and it is not a time friendly job necessarily. So you know you, you were, you built a whole law practice while raising a family. What were some of the biggest challenges that you faced with? Trying to maintain, I guess, a work life balance? I hate using that phrase, but you know what was your. What were some of the biggest challenges for you?

Speaker 2: 4:46

Well, I bring in the word harmony work-life balance and harmony because otherwise it just feels like the scales of justice and that doesn't work, because we always need to adapt and change, no matter what kind of thing we do. I guess I'm just really really grateful my ex-husband made enough money to put a roof over our head and have food on the table. So when I started my law practice I knew I wasn't like I was desperate. I had to make a ton of money to begin with. So I just I was really really grateful that I was self-employed because, like the first year that my son was born, it was impossible to work full time and have your sanity and took a while to find, you know, a child care provider that I really loved and to have a group of friends I had.

Speaker 2: 5:26

I ended up having a group of friends that I ran with that were parents and had young kids too. We need to drop them off at the health food club, have a run, share everything through running, and it was like my therapy. So, um, it was by the seat of my pants. I was really tired for the first three years, you know, of his life and my um business, but you know, I was just flexible and adaptable. If I had to bring things home to get things done while he was asleep, I did that and, um, I don't know. I just developed a network of friends and some other women business owners who are going through the same thing and I don't know how do we do it when we're going through that.

Speaker 2: 6:03

We're in the, the middle of it. We're like, oh my God, how do I get myself into this? We just keep on stepping.

Speaker 1: 6:09

No, I believe me, I have a three-year-old daughter and we have one on the way, so it's I, I already know. Like the first one, it was like what, what did we do, you know? And then you start to, oh, it's almost like PTSD. You like we, we were planning on it and everything, but it's still. Then it's real and you're like, oh man, um, you know. But you figure it out. And that's the crazy thing is you, you live and you adapt and it's, it's just like entrepreneurship, it's just like you know, you know anything else, it's like you just adapt it as it comes, you know. And so I'm curious, you know, with getting burnt out right With from the law firm and practicing law as you're starting to get more into coaching. What was that pivotal moment? Right, cause I think we all have that one, that one moment at least, that it's like the final. Okay, I'm just making a jump right, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go all in. What was that for you?

Speaker 2: 7:06

I don't know well. The one to get out of, to get stopped doing divorce law was um, um, a client that was an alcoholic um filed a professional complaint against me and I had to hire an attorney to represent me. I'm like, oh my god, um and I. That was when I was like, and I was like there's this. I was in a small like storefront office it was nothing fancy two attorneys, an employment agency and this guy that was selling collection packages to businesses to help them collect their debts and he's like hey, arlene, I see you're getting burned out doing family law. Would you like to be the attorney for this? You know you can do the ones in Colorado. You can farm out the ones that are in the other states, and that's how I got into that. And so it was like this kind of nice segue. But it was really interesting. It's like when I decided that I wasn't going to practice family law anymore, I got more people calling me on the phone in like two weeks than I'd had in like the past six months. It was insane. I kept on referring them out. I'm like I think the universe is saying are you really going to do this? Are you really going to do this. Do you really have the guts? And I was like I was done.

Speaker 2: 8:13

So I don't know with the other, with commercial law. I was just, I was tired. It just kind of built up. It wasn't like this pivotal thing, I'd gotten the coaching and the counseling and the meditation you know, certification and it just was like I just can't do this anymore. I'm just, I was tired, I couldn't go anywhere. You know, if I went, we traveled for business and we, you know, we went on holidays and stuff like that. But it was never not there, like you'd have to work, your tail off to leave, work your tail off to come back. And I was just like I need a different lifestyle. It's wonderful, but it just got to the point I could do something else I enjoyed and not be under so much stress all the time.

Speaker 1: 9:02

No, I completely get that. I mean it was probably really fun and exciting in the beginning, or even, you know, throughout the time. No, I completely get that. I mean it was probably. It was probably really fun and exciting in the beginning, or even, you know, throughout the career. And then it there's just a point where it's like I'm, I'm just, I'm tapped, like you know, I'm burning the candle from too many ends. I even signed both ends. Too many ends. I'm just yeah.

Speaker 1: 9:19

I'm over it and so I feel like a lot of professionals, especially entrepreneurs, struggle with that. They start to burn themselves out, they get overstressed. What are some effective ways that you've seen or you've discovered really for them to maintain their work-life balance and harmony?

Speaker 2: 9:39

Well, I have a lot of tools because I developed them on the way and I love to share them. I think the simplest thing is I always start with is breath work. You know, we forget to breathe, we get really stressed, we get really anxious, we get like tight in our chest, we get tight in our shoulders. You know, we get anxious, we get overwhelmed and we get we breathe really shallow or we're holding our breath. And so we can just start with some really simple breathwork techniques that, physiologically I see you're into fitness they physically, logically and I am too switch your gears when you go from this fight-or-flight to this rest, to relax mode, because you're oxygenating your body, you're giving your the body the signal that it's okay to release, relax and let go.

Speaker 2: 10:20

The same working out is great. It helps that too. But this helps move of the mind and and there's a lot of breath work if you, if you in different kinds of exercises as well, that are awesome, but the simplest one you can start with is just breathe in through your nose, breathe out through your nose, have the out breath longer than the in breath, and you can do it anywhere. You know someone's talking to you, you're driving the car you're waiting in line. You don't have to make it a different part of your day, but just sort of continue this breath work consciously until you begin to chill down a little bit.

Speaker 1: 10:55

Have you ever read Think Like a Monk by Jay Shetty?

Speaker 2: 11:00

No, I haven't. Does it have some good stuff in there too?

Speaker 1: 11:02

It does. And I agree with everything you're saying with the breath work and that's that's why I'm referencing this book. In the book there's a chapter on breath work and he describes I want to say it's nine different things, different ways of breathing, right, how you were mentioning the in-breath versus the out-breath and the lengths of them. And I tried them. I tried a few of them, you know, just out of curiosity, and it really it really does start to have a physiological change on your body and everything. And I've even done one of those breath works where, at the business mastermind I'm a part of, we do it every other meetup, every other quarterly meetup, or you know this.

Speaker 1: 11:41

This lady flies in and she does this breath work where it's like I don't even know what to, I forget what the name of it is, but everyone lays down and it's quiet and she's basically guiding everyone through breathe in, breathe out.

Speaker 1: 11:53

And I will say I was kind of skewed on my belief in it and so everyone ahead of time was like you might cry, you might this, and I was like okay, whatever, like you know.

Speaker 1: 12:07

And so I was kind of skeptical but I was like I'm game, I'll try whatever to do it. But all of a sudden she, right before we start, she tells us, if your body feels glued to the ground, like don't panic, that's natural. And I was like, oh, you got to be kidding me, like whatever. And then, like don't panic, that's natural. And and I was like, oh, you got to be kidding me, like that whatever. And then we start going through it and I could feel, I thought like because we were outside, so I thought there was like bugs or something on my arm, but my arm, I guess, was raising along the grass and that's what I was feeling. But then I went to adjust my arm because I thought there was something on it and I couldn't get it off the ground. And and I was like, oh boy, we're about to go through some stuff right now. Like it's crazy how breathwork can have an effect on you.

Speaker 2: 12:50

Yeah, and there's so many like karate, tai chi, weightlifting. I do yoga. There's breathwork, there's so many things physically that we do that if you're in Colorado and you're walking up a mountain, you better be doing breath work or you're not going to get to the top, so it's all. It's all around us, and I think we just don't even acknowledge that. You know how helpful it is.

Speaker 1: 13:14

No, definitely, and so I mean going into this a little bit like with the whole stress, with the burnout. You know the breath work is amazing, but how could someone maybe break free of you know what I like to call it and I believe you mentioned before that the hamster wheel and really start moving forward with their intentionality and their clarity?

Speaker 2: 13:37

Yeah, there's so many things when people are stuck and like feel like they're going around in circles and can't get off, and what I feel that is most frequently there is that there's a lot of judgment. You know, they might be judging themselves for how they're feeling, judging themselves for the situation that they're in, judging themselves that they can't get out of the situation, whatever it is, it's going on. And then what we do is we make it, we put like the icing on the cake and we start judging ourselves. We're judging ourselves and that's like when you really can't get off the wheel.

Speaker 2: 14:06

So the first step is just to go wow, I've been judging myself, because when we place our awareness on something it can't hide anymore, and when, when we're judging ourselves, we're like being an inner critic instead of an inner coach, and so we can start to play with ways that we can, you know, be more of that inner coach instead of the inner critic, and part of it is just being aware of it.

Speaker 2: 14:28

And when we notice that, it's just go like that's not like me, that's not who I am, and then make a new choice. So we're making a new choice when we recognize that we're behaving in a way that's like pulling us down, holding us back, making us feel small and contracted, and making a new choice and even visualizing maybe we made a mistake somewhere and we got ourselves stuck how we're going to do it differently next time. So we're like laying the foundation for the new. And of course it takes a lot of practice, and I always say practice makes permanent that there's no magic fairy dust here. If we backed ourselves into a corner and we're on this treadmill because we're judging and we can't get off not to expect magic fairy dust and just do it once, it's almost like a lifetime way of changing how we live.

Speaker 1: 15:17

I love that and it's it's. It's crazy, like you know, you mentioned where we can be our our biggest critic. But we're supposed to be our biggest like hype person, right, where you're supposed to be your biggest cheerleader, essentially and I mean, I've talked to so many, so many clients, you know cause, being in the fitness space, owning a gym and and everything like that it's a lot of people come in and they have this self-doubt and it's like look, you're here, you're already doing a lot of these things. That's your proof. And it's like you have to believe in yourself before you can expect other people to believe in you. Other people will believe in you before that point. But how could you expect someone else to believe in you if you can't believe in yourself? You're supposed to be your biggest hype person, right, and so it's like where does gratitude and self-love and all that kind of stuff come into play? And then how would you define self-love?

Speaker 2: 16:13

just ask me a million questions at once.

Speaker 1: 16:15

Okay we'll start with gratitude.

Speaker 2: 16:17

you know, gratitude is like the key for all manifestation and like if you're I don't know if you're, if it's a gym and you're doing weights or you're doing running or whatever it would be like even say you're just lifting three pounds, which sometimes is what I do with my scope classes, but anyway, I can do more now, but it's like we, we acknowledge ourselves for all our little accomplishments along the way. You come to the gym and maybe someone's doing something 10 times more than you who cares. This is what I did today. I'm going to acknowledge myself for that and I am going to celebrate that success. And we can do that in any area of our life. And so when we do that, we're building this foundation of that inner coach and telling the inner critic, which is really our personality, to take a back seat seat, because I sort of believe that the soul, the greater bit of us, is our inner coach. And sometimes we let that personality blah, blah, blah. Just get in the driver's seat and say, no, get in the back baby. And so that's really the bottom line and maybe you can I'm sure you do something like that with your clients. But if you can acknowledge, even if I can only lift three pounds, or I can only do this one time instead of 10, that you started something well done and we're going to build on that because muscle does get stronger and you can build that. So I'm just using your industry, and with gratitude.

Speaker 2: 17:35

I guess I think the mistake that people make the most is they're waiting for something big to be grateful for. You know, when I had my son and he slept like a couple hours more in the night, I was like doing a happy dance. Oh my God, I got two hours more sleep last night. This is amazing. So we need to be grateful for all the little things that happen in our life already and all the things we've already manifested in our life, Instead of waiting for something. To be grateful for all the little things that happen in our life already and all the things we've already manifested in our life instead of waiting for something to be grateful for. That's kind of silly, because we have so much to be grateful for already, and one of my friends shared with me she was in a beauty shop getting her hair done and the hairdressers were playing this game and they're like um, if I didn't have a coat, I might if i't have a coat, at least I have a sweater to keep me warm.

Speaker 2: 18:24

And the next one would go if I didn't have a sweater to keep me warm, at least I would have shoes on my feet. And the next one would go if I didn't have shoes on my feet, at least I would have socks to keep me warm. But it was like a really amazing she said it was an amazing energy and they were all playing this game and everyone that was in the school on was just like wow, it's like if you could feel everyone lifting up. So I know I'm talking fast, but anyway you asked me a lot of questions.

Speaker 1: 18:51

Um, I don't think I answered them all, but no, no, I thought I asked. I asked like a blanket question because you know one, my add brain. If I don't say it once, then I'll be not focused on what you're saying. But now, like now as you're saying it, I know the rest of the questions. So usually I'll ask the same question or the rest of it later. So no, you answered actually a lot of the questions. The rest was since, you know, since a lot of people are that, you know, biggest critic and everything like that. You know, that's what I was asking about the gratitude and the self-love, but the the remaining part of the question being what is self-love Like? How how would you define self-love?

Speaker 2: 19:29

How. I don't know if I have words for how I define self-love. Um, I guess self-love for me is loving myself unconditionally. So I'm not. If I'm loving myself, I don't expect anything back in return. I'm just loving myself for the joy of loving myself, which takes out the judgment, it takes out the inner critic, it takes out everything else. And when we're doing that, I mean there's a really simple way that we can start doing that. I mean, for women sometimes it's just going to get a massage and the man nanny petty, I don't do that anymore, but something that's just really nice for yourself. But they can also be as simple. As you know, sometimes, when, like, stuff is going on and I can feel myself having a reaction, I'll just stop and go.

Speaker 2: 20:16

I wonder how old this Arlene bit is inside of me. You know, maybe she's eight, maybe she's 10, maybe she's three. Somewhere I got stuck. You know something happened and something got frozen inside of me or I've been judging. You know some bit of my behavior, like my teenage years. You know I wasn't perfect and you just turn around and love those bits.

Speaker 2: 20:36

You know we need to find ways to fill ourselves up with love. You know some of my friends just get outside in nature and walk around and enjoy the beauty and that's how they fill themselves up with love. But we all have. Some of my friends love to cook and thank God there's someone not me, but you know I love to have friends like that and so we have things that really light us up and make our hearts sing, and it's important to engage in those activities and really appreciate them, and that's another way that we fill ourselves up with love. So it's individual for each person, but it's with the collective of humanity. I'm sure we could find something, you know, in a way to fill ourselves up with love.

Speaker 1: 21:15

No, I love that and the reason I asked that question and it's not there's no right answer to it because social media, you see a lot of this self-love and you know it's that you know is used in a marketing ploy or you know, understanding it from a different standpoint. So that's why I really like to to ask that question, you know, just to get a real, an honest take on it, without any pictures or anything behind it, because that's where you start to understand the meaning of it. Right, because for self-love, like you said, it does mean different things for different people, but still there's a general common undertone of what it should mean. Right, and I mean you nailed it on the head it's the you know accepting who you are, you know loving who you are. Right, because you are unique, you are, you know, beautiful in your own sense and being okay with you know the good and the bad in in understanding that when things, when things don't go right and and you act a certain way like where, what, why was that Right? And then accept that part of you and you learn how.

Speaker 1: 22:31

If you want to change it, then learn what, where did you get stuck, right? So my next question is I want to explain. I want you to explain a little bit more of what you just said that getting stuck, because I think that's a really interesting concept and you kind of went over that pretty fast. The you know, is it the eight-year-old version of me, is it? You know this? What does that mean? When getting stuck at different years?

Speaker 2: 22:56

Well, sometimes when we like if, like both of us can be in a conversation with a third person, and this third person says something and it triggers the heck out of me and you're going what's your problem? Nothing happened, because we all have things inside of ourselves that can just trigger something. You know, for me it's like if someone asks questions that are too personal, I used to get like really defensive and it's like I can't answer that question. They would push and push and I would get upset, and so we all have different and it might be you would like not care. It's like I don't care.

Speaker 2: 23:37

So if there's things that trigger me in the world or trigger me with somebody else or a group, it's something inside of me that I can heal, and so I'm the only one that has the love there to do that. Nobody else really has that special kind of love. We can have other people in our lives that love us, but our love is what we really need to heal those bits inside of ourselves. And some of the ways we get stuck is when those parts of us got frozen in time and maybe we had an experience where we shut down our heart or we just got really hurt and probably our parents didn't even know it was happening. Maybe we're just a little bit more sensitive like I was than the normal kid, and then we can just turn around and love those bits, because they got stuck. They don't know how to get unstuck.

Speaker 2: 24:14

You know, we're the adult now. They're just the kid, we're the soul. Maybe they're just their personality and we have that special love to turn around and hug them and say I'm sorry, I'm really sorry I wasn't there for you, I'm sorry I ignored you. Um, but I'm here now. And then we just really have to find a way to stay with those younger bits of ourselves and holding them in love like we would our children, um, if they got, they fell down and skinned their knee or started crying for something and and we give that to ourselves. So we already know how to do it because we've given it to other people. We're just turning around and practicing giving it to ourselves.

Speaker 1: 24:53

No, it's, it's interesting and, honestly, this is straight curiosity. You know that why I'm asking. You know that why I'm asking. So I understand. Is that like where I'll use myself, for example, right, you know, I remember I got hurt in a relationship when I was at the end of high school, going into college, but that also was a pivotal moment for me and I don't know if it was going into college and you know, being a guy, or if it was also a response to not get hurt again, that you start acting different, you start viewing relationships differently and so forth. And then there was another time later, later on, where I realized what I was doing. You know it started to change. Is that similar to what you're talking about?

Speaker 2: 25:45

yeah, because oftentimes what happens is this is a different side of the coin that we, if something happens hard like that, you know, we tell ourselves a story that you know it's not safe to be in a relationship. It's not safe to open my heart. It, you know all's. It's not safe to be in a relationship. It's not safe to open my heart, um it, you know, or all women are whatever, or all men or whatever. We tell ourselves a story and we get stuck in it for a while, um, and hopefully lots of us find a way to work our way out of that, you know.

Speaker 2: 26:14

But sometimes some people have a reaction. They start getting lots and lots of women, um, so, yes, things happen to us and then we might tell ourselves a story that we need to hopefully later in our life, let go of, because obviously you have a loving relationship and two children now, so you must've worked through something. But that's not unusual as well, and we just really need to be aware, you know, have I, am I telling myself a story because someone really broke my heart or this really difficult thing happened?

Speaker 1: 26:42

I got you and it makes total sense Now pivoting a little bit right, going into relationships and going into self-love as well. There's talks of setting boundaries and I've had some conversations with other people about this topic, but I wanted to get your take off of on this is, like you know, setting clear boundaries, setting strong boundaries.

Speaker 2: 27:15

Why is it crucial and what is the purpose? Well, it's important. This is common sense, but I'll say it anyway. If we don't set really clear, strong and appropriate boundaries and we come into contact with someone that's having a bad hair day and we're just wide open, I mean, I don't know if you've ever I'm sure most people have experienced this it's like their energy sort of punches you right in the gut or in the throat or in the heart and it just like feels horrible and you might walk away feeling horrible because you didn't have strong, appropriate boundaries.

Speaker 2: 27:41

And I guess what I share with people is that we don't set our boundaries by how we are. We set our boundaries by how the other person is, because you know, if we're all in love and we're going out to lunch and we're doing this or that and we're I don't know, we're out at an amusement park together and we're all open because we're in this wonderful relationship, and then someone third person, maybe another couple, comes over to us and they're all arguing and we're all wide open we're going to get whammy by their energy. So we always need to be cognizant of how the other people are that we're interacting with and it can always change. You know so strong, stronger boundaries. If someone's in a bad place or they've something is really upsetting them, it doesn't mean, and I guess what I used to think is that and I didn't realize for a long time it's really important to have these strong boundaries for the people in our lives you know our partner, our kids, everyone because what we're saying is that I'm only letting unconditional love into my little golden bubble of protection, my boundaries.

Speaker 2: 28:44

Therefore, I'm going to be filled up with a lot more love. Your upsetness is not coming into my golden bubble, but I'm going to hold compassion and kindness and all those beautiful qualities for you and share my love with you like the overflow of the love that I have in my heart. But it's not my job to take on all of the negativity and upset that you're feeling, because first of all, it drags me down and then I can't be as helpful to you or as loving to you. And I learned that the hard way. I never realized that I had two sets of boundaries, one for the rest of the world and one for the people I loved, and so I learned that the hard way.

Speaker 1: 29:24

Is there a third level of boundaries, like within yourself, like one for other people, one for your close family and friends and everything like that, and even your kids. But then is there a set of boundaries, maybe for yourself?

Speaker 2: 29:40

Yeah, that's a. That's a wonderful thing to bring to the table and I guess that's where I don't know if it's exactly setting boundaries. It's more it feels like more parenting to me that you know we're being the loving parent to the bits of ourselves that you know want to be that inner critic that want to cut ourselves down, that want to want us to contract and make small, and we're saying, no, you know, that's not your job. I love you, but I'm stepping forward, Like when people come to the gym you got this scared kid or whatever it is inside of them that thinks they can't do it. I hear you. I love you, it's not your job to do this. I'm going to go and lift those weights or whatever they're going to do. Get in the back seat. I'm going to still love you, but I'm the one that's stepping forward. So I think that's more parenting than boundaries. No, interesting, I think that's more parenting than boundaries?

Speaker 1: 30:31

No interesting. Do you believe in and this is kind of off topic, but at the same time you know it's just. I love, I love your thought process on certain things. I'm just curious Do you believe in manifestation and I'll leave it there? Do you believe in?

Speaker 2: 30:52

manifestation? Well, I don't believe in it. I experienced it and know it. Leave it there. Do you believe in manifestation? Well, I don't believe in it. I experienced it, I know it's to be true.

Speaker 2: 30:57

You know, the law of attraction is is what you focus on, is what you get more of in your life, and so the problem isn't that most of us myself included when I was younger, and I can still do it now is that we focus on the reverse of an idea. So, like your, people come to you and they want to lift weights or whatever I don't know exactly what goes on in your gym and but they're focusing on how they're going to hurt their shoulder or it's going to, they can't do it, it's going to be too hard. Instead of acknowledging that, okay, I feel scared and feeling is healing, I'm going to work with those feelings, but I am aligning to and I'm moving towards being someone who really, you know, works with weights and enjoys it and gets better every week. So that would be like aligning to. You know what I'm choosing to create in my life positively, while acknowledging and allowing those feelings to sort of move through me and replace them with more love.

Speaker 1: 31:46

No, definitely, and the reason I stopped at the first part of the question was to kind of see where you answered that with, because it definitely makes sense and that's what I believe as well. It's like manifesting does really work. But something important you were just saying is like there's action behind that manifestation, like you can't. The big thing for me is like so many people think of you know talking about them achieving their goals in the past tense and writing in a journal, and again, that works for some people, but in my opinion that only works as a tool as long as you're still trying to take actions towards that goal, if that makes sense.

Speaker 2: 32:22

Right, it's like you have to take action. You just can't dream. I guess I can't talk. Okay, for a moment.

Speaker 2: 32:30

My vision of this is that I've gotten to a certain place, I'm acknowledging myself and I'm standing on this cliff and it looks like there's a abyss and I've actually taken the next step.

Speaker 2: 32:39

I'm going to fall into the abyss, but the truth of the matter is and this is how I feel, and you can take it or leave it is that we have to take one step forward. We don't have to have a five-year plan or a one-year plan. We need to take one step forward for our goals, and I feel my feeling is spirit gets behind me and holds me up, and then I feel into how that feels for me, and then I take another step, and then I take another step. But in order for us to manifest our goals and to move forward, we have to take action, and if we're doing it from the heart and we're doing it from the singing heart especially we're going to be supported each step of the way, because it's important to keep our bodies healthy if we want to enjoy life and be of service. We can't do it if we're all crumpled up, and one of the best ways to do it is to exercise and eat right. And we have to do those physical things. No, definitely.

Speaker 1: 33:31

You said something real quick. I just wanted to see if I heard it right. And and yeah, we have to do those physical things. No, definitely you said something real quick. I just want to see if I heard it right. You said from the heart and then I believe you said from the singing heart.

Speaker 2: 33:39

Yeah, I think I feel like it's really important that the goals that we have, we should have a singing heart about it and maybe it's going to take some time. You know, if we're, if we're stepping out of our comfort zone and a part of us was like, before we take the step, maybe the people that are coming to your gym, they had this moment, like I really feel that this is what I need to do. But when we have that kind of singing heart moment, all the things that are saying no, we're going to come up and felt and move through, we just need to acknowledge them because they're kind of in ourselves, because we haven't done something for a while, that we that's really important and then the more we do it and we more to build a foundation, the more it's just going to be. Oh, I really enjoy this and this is a part of who I am.

Speaker 1: 34:20

No, okay, I got you. I just want to make sure I heard that. Right, you know. So I have a do have a final question for you, and I know I didn't give it to you ahead of time because I like the first thing comes to mind, but I will preface it by saying this is not a tombstone.

Speaker 2: 34:35

This is not a what.

Speaker 1: 34:36

A tombstone. This is not a tombstone. I have to say it and even though I say it, some people still give me you know loving father or you know loving mother, and it's like that's not this right, okay. So on Arlene's legacy wall right on this wall right, and it says Arlene Miller, and it goes into your legacy quote or message that you would leave for the up and coming generations, that you learned along your life's journey till this point, what would that message be?

Speaker 2: 35:09

It can be as big or as long as you want it to be Mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow, not an opportunity, not a reason to beat myself up, and any disaster that we experienced in our life, we can turn it into a blessing if we so choose.

Speaker 1: 35:27

I love that. Explain, explain it a little bit, you know, so people can get some context on it. I mean, I know it is pretty straightforward, but I love the last part of it a little bit, so people can get some context on it. I mean, I know it is pretty straightforward, but I love the last part of it and I just want to get your take on why that's your legacy message.

Speaker 2: 35:38

Well, the whole thing is I think it might have been a quote from Winston Churchill, I forget it's like any disaster can become a blessing, any blessing can become a disaster, but there's always a better way, and so you know. An example of disaster becoming a blessing is that you know you had a child that was killed, you know, or something like that, and people have foundations and they're helping children all over the world. I had a friend whose child died when she went to South America. I forget what happened, but the vaccine or something that gave her she had a really bad reaction. And anyway, they have this foundation. They're helping kids all over the world so that whatever happened to their daughter doesn't happen to somebody else.

Speaker 2: 36:19

That's like turning a disaster into a blessing. And of course, I mean the way we can talk about turning a blessing into disaster is people that win the lottery and two years later they're broke. And there's always a better way is that we're always evolving, we're always learning, we're always growing. So what was fantastic for me when I was 20, I've outgrown that, and there's a better way, now that I'm much older, to do something and to learn from that experience. So we're always evolving, we're always growing, if we so choose.

Speaker 1: 36:49

I love that. Where can people connect with you and learn more about what you have going on?

Speaker 2: 36:54

Well, you can come into my website, which is jewel J-E-W-E-L consultancycom. If you look up Arlene Cohen Miller, you have to put the Cohen. That's my middle name and my son's last name. I don't think I'm. I think I'm the only one. So you'll find me with all the social media links. And if you mentioned this podcast and you just have a question or you want to connect with me, you can text me at 720-936-2634.

Speaker 1: 37:23

All right, well, guys, that all that will be in the show notes. If you are watching this on YouTube, it'll be in the video description. But you know, I know you guys got a lot out of this because I know personally I did. I mean, I know you guys heard my questions and me diving into it on with my personal stuff. So make sure you guys share this episode with a friend, right? You know, bring one person up in your circle and in turn, it's going to help elevate you because you are your circle, right? So bring them up, send us this episode, but make sure you guys do it and do it out of love for them, right? But, arlene, thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to hop on the Mindset Cafe.

Speaker 2: 38:00

Thank you. Thank you Got my mind on the prize. I can't be distracted. I stay on my grind. No time to be slackin'. I hustle harder. I go against the current Cause. I know my mind is rich to be collected.