223. From Death Row Defense to Personal Empowerment w/ Amber Fuhriman

Amber Fuhriman, an attorney turned success coach, reveals how our self-created excuses limit our potential and how we can break through these barriers to create lasting change. She shares her journey from small-town Idaho to Las Vegas criminal defense attorney, and ultimately to becoming a transformational coach and NLP practitioner.

• Growing up in a small farming town of 2,000 people in Idaho
• Losing her father at age 18 and struggling through college with a 1.6 GPA
• Pursuing law school as a "trauma response" and graduating in the top 3% of her class
• Working death penalty cases and seeing the worst of society while maintaining humanity
• Creating "Break Your Bullshit Box" to help people identify and overcome limiting beliefs
• Recognizing common excuses like "I don't have time" and "I didn't have a choice"
• Understanding that blame keeps us in a victim mindset
• Using Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) as a tool for personal transformation
• Finding personal breakthrough through obstacle course racing and physical challenges
• Living by the question "When was the last time you did something for the first time?"

Connect with Amber at successdevelopmentsolutions.com or follow her on social media to learn more about her book, podcast, and upcoming trainings.

Chapters

• 0:19 Welcome to Mindset Cafe Podcast
• 1:06 Amber's Small Town Upbringing
• 3:03 From Computer Programming to Law School
• 8:51 Life as a Criminal Defense Attorney
• 14:02 Birth of "Break Your Bullshit Box"
• 19:23 Identifying Common Excuse Patterns
• 25:15 Responding vs Reacting to Others
• 35:35 Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) Explained
• 40:30 Amber's Legacy Wall of Wisdom
• 45:34 Episode Closing and Contact Information

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Yeah, it's Mindset Cafe. We all about that mindset. Gotta stay focused. Now go settle for the last. It's all in your head how you think you manifest. So get ready to rise, cause we about to be the best. Gotta switch it up. Gotta break the old habits. Get your mind right. Turn your dreams into habits. No negative vibes, only positive thoughts. What is up, guys? Welcome to another episode of the Mindset Cafe podcast. It's your boy, devin, and today we are joined by a powerhouse both in law and in personal development. Amber Furman is on. She is an attorney, she is an author, she is a speaker and podcaster, as well as she is a success architect who has really defined and redefined what it means to break past limiting beliefs and build a fulfilling life. So, without further ado, amber, thank you for taking the time out of your day to hop on the Mindset Cafe.

Speaker 2: 0:51

Hey, thanks for having me. I'm so excited to be here and dig into this conversation.

Speaker 1: 0:56

Well, awesome. Well, thank you for taking the time and let's dive in. So what I like to do is I like to start with your backstory, your childhood, your bring up. So what was that like?

Speaker 2: 1:06

Yeah, I grew up in a super, super small town in southeastern Idaho. So for all of you who are saying like small, like 3040, 50,000 people know like a lot smaller than that. We have grown to approximately 2000 people, so super small, and I think it was such a cool upbringing because, while I felt sheltered for a lot of things that I now know living in Las Vegas, I also experienced things that I wouldn't have been able to experience in a big city and I experienced the ability to connect with others and like a work ethic that comes from a farming community that you just don't get from a city. So it was a it was a good upbringing, but a little sheltered.

Speaker 1: 1:51

So what did your parents do for work?

Speaker 2: 1:54

My mom was a pharmacy tech. Um, my dad owned his own business, so he built houses for a living. Um, he had a few different jobs before he started his construction company, but he was always out there just trying to make things happen on his terms, and I you know, he passed away when I was young. He passed away when I was 18. And so I don't think that I actually got the opportunity to really understand and appreciate what he went through to avoid the corporate culture when I was growing up.

Speaker 1: 2:23

Oh, man well, I'm sorry for that. It's always hard. I lost my mom a few years back, and losing a parent is never an easy process, no matter what age you're at.

Speaker 2: 2:32

Oh, I hear that I'm sorry for your loss.

Speaker 1: 2:35

No, thank you. So I mean, you had a sense of seeing him start a construction company and you decided to go into law. You know what was that, what was that journey like, what was, you know, your decision to kind of go that route?

Speaker 2: 2:51

Yeah. So I'm very clear now because hindsight is 2020 that going to law school was 100% of trauma response, which is kind of what started to pull me out of it. So, just to give you like the super Cliff Notes version, I was convinced that I was going to go into computer programming. I started listen, I was a nerd. So when I say this, I'm going to warn you, I was a nerd. I started a computer programming club in my high school when I was a junior and I was convinced that that's where I was going to end up. We were talking 2000s before computer programming was what it is now. Nobody really knew what it was and I was intrigued by it and I remember my dad telling me like you're going to absolutely hate it. You can't do that, and we've all been 17. We know everything. Our parents know absolutely nothing. So I went to school for computer programming and I didn't hate it. I liked the logic of it. Interestingly enough, the things that I loved about computer programming are the same things that I love about the law and the same things that I love about coaching and it's solving problems and finding where things work and how they fit together, and the logic of things.

Speaker 2: 4:02

Unfortunately, at the end of my first year of college is when my dad's accident happened, and as the first person in my family to go to college, I felt like I had this responsibility to keep going. I felt like I couldn't take time off to grieve. I didn't know what that looked like. I didn't want to be a failure, so instead I just put my head down and I kept going to classes, but I wasn't in it. So for about five years I just failed, class after class after class.

Speaker 2: 4:32

I changed my major a whole bunch of times and, as I'm sitting in probably the lowest part of my academic career, I've gotten a letter from Idaho State University telling me that my 1.6 GPA just isn't going to cut it anymore and I'm drinking way too much. I've been married, I've been divorced, I'm working a dead-end job, and I just think back to the last conversation that my dad and I had about my future and he said you know, I really think you should go to law school. And I said that sounds horrible, as I'm sitting in this rock bottom, or what I thought was rock bottom. At that point in time I thought what the hell do I have to lose? I've got to figure something out. So I started taking some pre-law courses. Really loved it, ended up graduating from Idaho State, going to law school in Michigan, graduated in the top 3% of my class, moved to Vegas, passed the bar on the first try and I've been practicing law ever since.

Speaker 1: 5:31

So I mean, there was a little bit of moving around, it seems like you know. And so what was the reason or what was the transition from you know, from Idaho, I believe you said to Vegas, you know from Idaho, I believe you said to Vegas, so Idaho.

Speaker 2: 5:45

I ended up going to Michigan and the short, short answer is that there's always a boy right. So I was dating somebody that lived in Vegas and I'm also the type of person that I don't like being told what to do. I really got to calm my ego sometimes when people are giving me instructions and advice, because I don't like being pushed into a corner. So when this relationship failed with this person who lived in or was from Vegas, we had made plans to move back to Vegas to be closer to his family. And when the relationship failed, he was like where are you going to go now? You can't go to Vegas, it's my city. And I was like, well, screw you, now I'm going to Vegas because just to piss you off and this is where I ended up, okay, I mean.

Speaker 1: 6:31

I mean, but at the same time, it might've stemmed from you know, almost like proving that it's not. It's not his city, and you can do it too, but at the same time, like that is a, it's a huge lifestyle switch and change, especially growing up in a small town or small community to Vegas, you know, and so being able to adapt in and see a different, completely different lifestyle. What was that mindset shift for you? I mean, obviously going to college, you get some experience, but you know Vegas is still Vegas.

Speaker 2: 7:06

Yeah, not a lot, to be honest with you. I went to school in Lansing, michigan, so for those who know, like we hear stories about Detroit, you hear stories about eight mile. It's a little bit different than downtown Idaho with 2000 people, where your biggest concern is whether or not a cow is going to cross the road at the wrong time. Biggest concern is whether or not a cow is going to cross the road at the wrong time. But it still wasn't the big city, right Like we had to be concerned, but not overly concerned. And then I moved to Vegas and my passion was always practicing criminal defense. That's what I wanted to do. I wanted to work on high profile, preferably death penalty cases for individuals that couldn't afford to hire their own attorney, or at least that's what I thought I wanted to do until I got the opportunity to do that in Vegas. And I'll tell you that requires a whole different set of skills that I did not possess and I might have if I really put my mind to it.

Speaker 2: 8:01

I can vividly remember realizing that racial profiling was a thing when I came to Vegas, not believing that it was a thing before, not not believing it was a thing, just I never had to think about it. It was never an issue I had to deal with. And then I was dealing with clients who would come to court like bruised and be like what happened to you? And they're like my CO beat the shit out of me and I'm like no, he didn't, like there's no way he did. And then you'd hear that time and time again. And then you see clients that get arrested for not using a crosswalk and I'm like I have never been arrested for jaywalking my entire life. What could possibly be different about me than somebody else? And so you're right, this culture shock of, you know, not being able to go out to the bar without thinking about whether somebody is going to watch your drink when you go to the bathroom.

Speaker 2: 8:52

Vegas has a huge, huge drug problem and a huge human trafficking problem. It's one of the I think it's number three in human trafficking, behind Atlanta and somewhere in the Midwest, that's, on the freeways where all the freeways meet. And you know, just being in a situation where you never had to deal with your safety as being a concern, to realizing that you're just in a different environment, was an interesting adjustment for me. And then, because I was practicing criminal defense, I saw the worst of the worst that most people don't even think about or see when they're moving to a new city. So it was an interesting adjustment, for sure.

Speaker 1: 9:33

So I mean, you mentioned something interesting that doing the death penalty, you know, and serving clients under the death penalty requires a certain set of skills or, you know, maybe personality traits or something. What would that be? What's the difference between that and a normal client?

Speaker 2: 9:52

Yeah, I think that you know, for the most part, my clients were people who just made bad choices. They didn't scare me. I didn't think they were evil people. I didn't think they were bad people. I just looked at them as human beings that were deserving of a defense and had just made a bad choice and maybe somebody got hurt. I could relate to them, I could see myself in them at some point in time throughout their case.

Speaker 2: 10:23

I used to tell my clients the only difference between them and me is that they got caught and, while that's not entirely true, I easily could have been them. I mean, when I was drinking six nights a week, I easily could have been one of my clients if I had access to some of the decisions that they did. When you get into death penalty cases, which are only reserved for your felony murder cases, your well, that's about it your first degree murder cases. You're dealing with people who made the choice to intentionally take another human being's life and, most of the time, feel no remorse about it. The only client I've ever had that has actually terrified me was a death penalty case, and I think it's just the ability to put your emotions aside, your feelings aside, and to be able to find a defense for some of the most indefensible conduct on the planet and see them as humans, when the rest of the world has found a reason not to.

Speaker 1: 11:31

That definitely is tough, I mean, because some things, I mean I get it, everyone needs due process and everything like that, and I believe that as well. And you hear about these stories, whether it's a death penalty case or whether it's, uh, you know, life imprisonment, and then it was a wrongful conviction that those stories, you know, just are mind-boggling to me. But it's some of the, some of the cases you hear. It's like people judge the attorneys that are defending them and you put yourself in, like the attorney's shoes as well, because it's like man, how hard is it for them to not judge their client, especially if they know they did it. You know, and, yeah, you still have to be on their side and try to make sure that they get fair.

Speaker 2: 12:19

You know, you know judgment essentially, without you know what your own personal beliefs are, because, I mean, I know me personally, I couldn't do it, not even just death penalty, but like for me anything to do with children, like that, that's, that's no, no brainer, like you know yeah, I think what's interesting and this is what I didn't expect from the criminal defense world and and, honestly, who I am now so much of who I am is a result of the work excuse me, the work that I did as a criminal defense attorney, because it allowed me to be myself. You know, it's so interesting. We put on this mask of professionalism and it's not that I'm not professional. I mean, my book is called Break your Bullshit Box. I'm just an in your face person.

Speaker 2: 13:00

I always have been, but for so long I felt like I had to hide that to be able to be this version of professionalism that would be able to be accepted in a courtroom. And if you're doing personal injury, that might be the case. If you're doing transactional law, that might be the case. If you're doing business law or patents, that might be the case. But when I walk into a courtroom and my client has been in a gang since he was seven years old he doesn't want professionalism, he wants somebody that can relate to what he's doing and saying, and sometimes you have to go toe to toe with them and to do that you've got to be willing to kind of dig in deep to those parts of us that sometimes we don't like to access, and that was interesting for me.

Speaker 2: 13:45

It was interesting for me to see somebody who had been dealt shitty cards and find a way to relate to them. What started to make the shift for me was, you know, you know in the field that you're in, that in order to make any change in your life whatsoever, the very, very first thing you have to do is be willing to take responsibility for the choices that you've made that have created the life that you have now. And as I learned that and started getting into the coaching world and started making changes in my own life, I became really intolerant of people who wanted to blame the system and really intolerant of people who were in the wrong place at the wrong time. I heard that all the time I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I'm like I've been in a lot of wrong places at a lot of wrong times and I don't have 47 felonies on my record.

Speaker 2: 14:34

At some point in time we got to acknowledge that there's a common denominator to your rap sheet and it's not. You know, your friends, I've, and I think for me being able to stand toe to toe with somebody to your point, to wrap it up to what you were saying Um, a lot of times it's not getting them to believe that you believe them. I can't tell you how many times I've looked at a client and said I don't believe you, but my job is to sell it. I've actually said that to a client. I don't believe anything you're telling me right now, but if I'm going to sell this to a jury, you're going to have to lie better, because nobody's going to believe this. So something's going to have to change.

Speaker 1: 15:11

And that's hard too, because it's like you as the attorney you need to have as much information as possible so you can know what angles to defend from. But when your client's not being truthful to you, then they're almost like trying to save themselves from you. Who's trying to save them? Yeah, because they don't trust you, right?

Speaker 2: 15:34

They don't trust anybody. They don't trust that anybody's on their side, and they think they're smarter than the system. So they think, if they just keep information from you, that it all work out with that being said, though, this is what makes me such a great coach. It's what makes me such a great speaker. People ask me all the time how can you just walk on stage?

Speaker 2: 15:53

I did a 60-minute keynote at a event that I was an attendee at a couple of years ago, because one of the keynotes didn't show up and I was friends with one of the speaker coordinators and they were like dude, we need to fill a 60 minute keynote spot in like 45 minutes. Can you do it? And I said absolutely I'll do it. And they said how do you set that up that quickly? And I said you don't know what it's like to walk into a courtroom and think that you have one defense prepared, just to have a piece of evidence pop up that makes you have to change your entire strategy. When somebody's life is literally on the line, doing a keynote in 60 minutes is cakewalk.

Speaker 1: 16:35

I agree. I mean I can't imagine what it would be like, you know, preparing everything like that, especially with that weight on your shoulders. But I mean in comparison to doing a keynote about something you know that you're already at the conference to kind of learn about and you're comfortable with in already doing speeches that are similar in the sense that's, you know, it is what it is, you know, you just let it, let it flow.

Speaker 2: 16:59

But I do want to touch on like oh no, I'm sorry. On that note. I was just gonna say if I mess up in a courtroom, my clients either going to prison or he's getting deported. If I mess up on a stage, somebody might think I'm an idiot. That's it. There's no comparison. I'm not concerned about it.

Speaker 1: 17:14

Yeah. So I do want to mention you or talk about you, because you mentioned your book and I know you have your podcast with the same title. But the Break your Bullshit. You know. I want to dive into that a little bit. What was the reason for writing it and if you could explain a little bit?

Speaker 2: 17:29

yeah. So, first of all, the concept of your break of your box came because I constantly get asked what led you from being an attorney to being a business coach, and when you get asked the same question over and over again, you kind of get irritated with giving the same response, and especially when it comes back to back to back. So I was at a networking event and it was probably the 15th time that I had been asked this question and I was just out of good answers. So I looked at him and said my bullshit box overflowed. I had an emotional breakdown and in the process of rebuilding myself, I taught myself how to help others rebuild themselves as well, and I sat in that for a little bit. Are you familiar with NLP, neuro Linguistics, programming? Okay, so NLP I was learning it, I was studying it at the time and I'm now a certified trainer of NLP in Vegas.

Speaker 2: 18:20

And so I was aware consciously of this reality that we create our own reality through the excuses that we believe, that we've either given ourselves or that our family has gifted to us, and that we're constantly living with this box of excuses that we just choose to hold on to, so that whenever we start pushing ourselves a little bit too far out of our comfort zone, so that whenever we start pushing ourselves a little bit too far out of our comfort zone, we can come up with the most reasonable excuse, hold on to that and hold ourselves back.

Speaker 2: 18:52

And so the idea of break your bullshit box is that, you know, we get to realize that those excuses are exactly that, 100% bullshit, that the only limitations that we have on ourselves are the ones that we choose to prescribe to ourselves and believe, and the moment that we stop choosing to believe in a limitation, it stops holding us back. So how do we acknowledge that we're living by a world defined by our own excuses, and how do we start to break through those to be able to create a different reality? So that's what the book is about.

Speaker 1: 19:24

No, I love that and I mean it's so cool because it is so true, and I love the title of it because it's that's funny how you came about that. But what? What are maybe some of the, I guess for better? You know, not having a good way to ask this what are some bullshit boxes that are typically, you know, people have?

Speaker 2: 19:41

Yeah, so they come across in different ways, so they can be said by different things. The biggest one that I hear is I don't have time. I love it when people tell me that they don't have time because somehow they seem to think that you or me or anybody else that's successful, just has figured out a way to multiply time and we have more of it than they do, and so, for me, I love turning that around to them and telling them you know, if somebody says to me working out, I just don't have time to work out, I'll say that's fine. All you're telling me is that your health is not a priority to you. And they're like no, no, no, I want to be healthy. Well, clearly you don't, or else you'd make time for it, right? Blame is another one. Um, there's a. We're working on a third book. We've got a second book that's in production right now. The third book is, um on its way to getting written, and that book is going to be entitled.

Speaker 2: 20:35

Every victim needs a villain, and that kind of comes from this as well, right? So, um, the blame of who is responsible for the fact that I'm not getting results. For a long time, my mom was my villain, it was her fault, that she didn't believe in me, that she didn't support me, when in reality, every villain that we see in our lives, every person that doesn't believe us and doesn't support us, is just a mirror for us of the things that we believe about ourselves. So we think I'm not good enough, I'm not capable enough, I can't accomplish this. And then we go out into the world and we find somebody who will also either believe that or that we think will believe that and then we blame that person for our lack of results. So in order for us to stay a victim to our circumstances, somebody has to be the villain of our life. So as soon as we start acknowledging that if we have a villain, then that by definition means we're being a victim we can start taking responsibility for our choices and change. So when I hear people blame other people or their circumstances for things, that's all an excuse.

Speaker 2: 21:41

One that's a little less obvious is and this is sometimes seen as a good thing I never see it as a good thing is when people tell me I didn't have a choice. So when I tell them I'm really proud of the results that you've made and they'll say well, I didn't have a choice, and my answer will be like no. There are about 15,000 people that live in the tunnels in Las Vegas that made the choice that you didn't think you had right, you had a choice. People give away the credit for their successes so often by saying I didn't have a choice. But to be successful, you 100% had a choice.

Speaker 2: 22:19

And there are people that are homeless, that are unemployed, that are choosing not to take responsibility for their own actions, that didn't make the same choice that you did. So stop being humble and stop saying that you didn't have a choice, because when you do that, you take away your own power for both your successes and your failures. And that's where true growth comes from is saying I did this. I'm responsible for my successes. Nobody else did it but me. I might have had help and I had support and there were these pathways that were laid out for me and I didn't want to fail, but I made the choices. We get to start owning that so that we can start taking responsibility for everything else in our life.

Speaker 1: 23:01

Yeah, I mean that's, I love that and I I hear that so often as well, and I think it's not necessarily being humble right, because being humble into my, to my understanding, in my life way of comprehending it would be a little bit different. It's almost like someone that says they don't have a choice, isn't willing to accept, like the, the winning, except the success. They almost feel like they're not enough. And what they do, even though other people see it as a success or a win, they don't see it as enough right, and so they're almost always trying to fill that, that void of feeling enough right or they don't like the feeling of like they're so used to.

Speaker 2: 23:46

This is one of the things that I dislike about a lot of the creators out there that, um believe that there's always got to be somebody pushing you right.

Speaker 2: 23:56

Um, who doesn't that that um, underdog mentality that people are going to tell me I can't do it, so i'm'm going to do it anyways, and that's great, until you reach the level of success where nobody's rooting against you, because there is a level of success that we get to where nobody cares whether you fail. They are there to help you succeed if you want to. They're too worried about their own success to wish anything less than success for you. So what happens is when we've built all of our success on this underdog mentality, needing somebody to push us, needing somebody to not believe in us so that we can be successful, when we reach that level of success where nobody's rooting against us, we don't know how to operate, and I see a lot of that. I didn't have a choice in that same environment that people don't know how to operate if they truly believe that they're responsible for their life. So instead they just say I didn't have a choice, I had to be successful.

Speaker 1: 24:54

Yeah, that does really make sense, and it's like you always have a choice, like you're saying, and giving that that power away. You know, it's like, it's almost like when people you know, I used to be like this for a long time too where people tell you good job, or you know that they're proud of you, or they give you a compliment and you kind of brush it off because it, you know, you're not proud of the moment you're, you're trying to be a little bit better, right. And same thing when someone does give you that, you know, oh, you can't do it and you're using that as fuel. It's like that should be. That could be a great fuel to start, but that shouldn't be your only motivating factor, right, it shouldn't be that. Enough push, but it shouldn't be your only driving factor because, like you said, you get big enough and no one's doing that. Now you're like well, what happens?

Speaker 2: 25:49

Yeah, and I think what's interesting is I did a podcast solo episode a couple of years back called Humility is Bullshit. I hate the word humble and I don't know what I replace it with. I haven't found a good replacement for it yet, but I made the mistake of looking up the definition of humble in the dictionary when I was doing this podcast episode. And have you ever looked it up? It's like it'll make your stomach sick. The definition of humble is to underestimate one's own importance or value, and the moment that I read that I was like why would anybody ever want to be humble? And I think what happens is we've got to lead with gratitude. We've got to lead with this belief and understanding that we are valuable and that we also have room to grow, but we would never want to underestimate our own importance in society. That's exactly what you're talking about, right?

Speaker 2: 26:55

How many of us have been raised saying don't brag about your successes? How many of us have been raised saying nobody wants to hear about how much money you have? Don't talk about money, politics, religion. We have been conditioned our entire lives not to talk about these things. So when somebody comes up to us and says you did such a great job. Most of our first reactions is wait a second, I can't talk about that. Don't tell me that. Let's talk about something else. When, in all reality, for us to own our success, it allows other people to own theirs as well. Us to own our success, it allows other people to own theirs as well. So we've got to be willing to step into our success, to own our power, but to do it from a place of gratitude and love instead of a place of ego and superiority.

Speaker 2: 27:44

And I don't know what the word for that is superiority.

Speaker 1: 27:47

Yeah, and I don't know what the word for that is. No, I don't either. I was trying to think of it, but I don't. I don't have a replacement for you either. Um, but it is weird, cause it was like we were told, like you said, to be humble. And one way I would put it is like people always, you know, would say that I would be cocky, righty, right and and I view cockiness as essentially an over exertion of confidence, and I used to tell people like look, I'm not out here screaming, I'm the best, but at the same time, like I'll let you know that I'm going to win.

Speaker 1: 28:18

I am, you know, yeah so go ahead so that's one of those things where people try to tell you to be humble or say that you're cocky, and try to bring you back down when in reality, like you should have that self confidence, you should have that self belief. But I think, on the other, the flip side of something that you're mentioning of, like, don't talk about religion or politics and all that kind of stuff it's like I feel like there's a time and place for it. You know, and the reason I say that is because I have no problem talking about it with other people that I know can have a conversation. I don't care what your views are, but at the same time, if we're not in alignment with our views and you, all of a sudden, are going to start just arguing or casting judgment instead of just having an open conversation, then I'm just not going to have the conversation I don't have time for that.

Speaker 2: 29:07

There's actually a guy at the dog park that I go to that is a short fuse, and we never know how long his fuse is going to be. It changes every single day, and so I try to avoid political conversations with him at all. However, we are at complete different ends of the spectrum, and every now and then he'll come up and he'll start a conversation with me, and my exact words to him will be we can have this conversation as long as you're civil.

Speaker 1: 29:31

Yep.

Speaker 2: 29:32

The moment you're not civil, I'm done and I will walk away. And he's like well, I respect you, so I'll be civil. And I said you respect me because I've gone toe to toe with you before. You're not used to people being willing to like stand in your face while you're screaming at them, everybody backs down. I'm not going to back down from you.

Speaker 2: 29:51

So I agree with you that there's this time and this place and it comes from a willingness and this is kind of what's missing from society in general right now is a willingness to appreciate and understand another person's point of view and to allow them to have that point of view without having to prove that you are right. Like, if you think that the sky's purple instead of blue, why does that affect me in any way whatsoever? So why do I need to change your mind? It doesn't matter to me. We live in a world where somebody is like no, you have to believe exactly what I believe. No, you don't. And to your point on what you mentioned earlier people want to be validated, people want to feel comfortable and individuals who lack confidence will always think that your confidence is ego. They will always think that your confidence is over the top. One of my absolute favorite phrases because I get called absolute favorite phrases is I'm not intimidating, you're intimidated. You get to fix that right.

Speaker 1: 31:05

I literally I'm laughing because this conversation me and my wife just had it right and she because she was like you know people are, sometimes people are intimidated by you and I was like that's not my problem.

Speaker 1: 31:18

I was like I'm not, I don't do anything. I was like maybe I just have a straight face. I was like, but at the same I don't do anything. I was like maybe I just have a straight face. I was, at the same time, like you'd have a conversation with me and I'm one of the most conversational people but she brought up the conversation because I went to pick up my daughter from preschool and it was the second occurrence of her getting bitten by another kid and the teacher didn't tell me.

Speaker 1: 31:39

My three-year-old told me, and so I look at the teacher, or one of the five teachers, and I was like did she get bitten or is she just saying that? Because sometimes she'll just say random things and they're like oh no, it did. She got bit and I was like was it by the same kid? And then the teacher's like trying to backpedal and I was like look, I'm not asking for names or anything. I just need to know are you guys doing your job in protecting my daughter while she's here? I don't need to know if it's, if it's the, you know the kid's name, the parent's name or anything like that. Was it the same kid, yes or no? And then the teacher was like all, like you know, flustered, and she's like no, it wasn't. I was like okay, thank you, that's all. I was like that's not my fault. Like you know, I wasn't stirring, I wasn't yelling, I just I asked a question, right, that's my right to do so Like and so like.

Speaker 2: 32:29

I do, it's our problem Like it becomes our problem if we choose to make it our problem right.

Speaker 2: 32:35

Like if I'm, if I'm working with somebody in a coaching capacity, sometimes I get to soften my rough around the edges personality to be able to connect with them because otherwise we're not going to get anywhere right. So we have the ability to be these chameleons, to adjust when we need to adjust. One of the things that I always tell my clients is that their actions are all about them and your response is all about you. So, no matter what their actions are, if you have an emotional response to their actions, that is an opportunity for you to figure out what is unhealed within you, because somebody can be a total asshole and I can look at them and say that was kind of a jerk thing to do.

Speaker 2: 33:20

You should probably go work on your anger management and that's fantastic. But if I then respond and be like you piece of crap and I'm angry the rest of the day and I'm throwing stuff and it's affecting me, like, what about that is about me? What about me? Have I not dealt with that? Made some random person's actions that I don't know allow me to ruin my own day? And I can either say that asshole ruined my day or I can say I have some work to do to figure out what about me was triggered by that person's conduct.

Speaker 1: 33:52

Oh, 100%. And I love that you just mentioned that, because I'm huge on like self reflection, right and, and understanding that the self reflection of instances like that, because we're human, right, it does happen, right. And now, later in the day, once you've cooled your, your jets, it's like why did that trigger me? Why did I act in that that manner? Right, and now you get to self reflect. But that's what builds your emotional intelligence. And a word to whoever is listening If you think that yelling, when someone's yelling at you, is the way to get back, if you want to be really get back to them and make them tick them off, it's have a calm voice and say what you said is, you should probably handle that with some anger management. That's only going to make them even more and more mad, but that's just a chance for them to self-reflect, hopefully later in that day.

Speaker 2: 34:45

Yeah, there's a couple of different things that I use, depending on whether or not I need to be involved in the conversation. So, one of the favorite quotes I've ever heard and I don't remember where I heard it was you don't have to show up to every argument that you're invited to and I, so I'll look at it and be like is this a conversation that I really need to partake in or can I just walk away? Um, if I can't walk away, if it's a conversation I need to have like I'm talking to a client in my law firm or somebody's pissed at me about something I need to solve my favorite thing to say to them is I really want to help you and I can't hear you when you yell at me.

Speaker 1: 35:28

Honestly, I probably, you probably, have so many like quick little rebuttals being. I've had so many clients because before my gym, in the franchise, like I was a personal trainer and I had a plethora of attorneys and I will say, you guys are wordsmiths, right, and the ability to fire back from some of my clients, like I would say, a smart remark, you know to mess with them because we were on, like already that personal level and the like, the speed of some of their remarks. I was like that, honestly, that was impressive. I got nothing.

Speaker 2: 36:00

You know, thank you, and so that came from the attorney world. But then when I learned NLP I became like this, master in linguistics, and then it just became like an understanding of what really happens when you say words right and how to get the most impact for what it is that you want to accomplish. It really is ninja-like.

Speaker 1: 36:28

It is, honestly, it's almost like planting a landmine in someone's head for them to set off later on in the day in certain instances. But it can be used for good or bad. For example, I was at a conference and it was my first intro to NLP and the speaker was talking about it and he was using the crowd as people to demonstrate on. And so he walked up to someone and he was like I'm really proud of you, you did great today. And the person smiled and everyone was looking he's like how did that feel? And you know, the person smiled and everyone's kind of looking he's like, how did that feel? And the guy kind of shrugged off, he's like whatever he's like right, because I have no idea what what it really took he's like.

Speaker 1: 37:08

But what if I told you you should be proud of yourself? I know you worked really hard at this right. You should be proud of the work that you put in right. And all of a sudden it switches it from I'm proud of you to you should be proud, proud of yourself. And it builds that self confidence and almost like tying back to what we were talking about before. It's all internal now, instead of looking for that validation or looking for other people's approval for your success or your goods, your bads, your blame, all that kind of stuff blame all that kind of stuff, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2: 37:41

And from like a sales context, like we have um sitting in a conference in the beginning of my NLP journey where I knew what it was and I'd been through a couple of classes but I wasn't certified to train it yet. And I went to a sales conference and they were talking about overcoming objections and this was a high ticket mastermind. It was like $75,000 to work with them for the year. And he was talking from stage and he says I always get asked whether we offer a money back guarantee and my answer is no. And he says people will ask me how can you ask for this much money and not give me some sort of a guarantee? And he says people will ask me how can you ask for this much money and not give me some sort of a guarantee? And he says I guarantee that my product works. I don't know if you do. And I was like okay, okay, right. And it's things like that that are like you are the deciding factor in this right.

Speaker 2: 38:39

And I go through this conversation all the time because people have either never heard of NLP, so if you've never heard of it, it stands for Neuro Linguistics Programming, and it's basically the science behind the way that your life experiences dictate the way that you see the world, how you communicate, how you sell, how you lead, how you show up in your life, what success you think you're capable of, how much money you think you can make and how you communicate with your team and your spouse and your family, and then how to reprogram that in a way that supports you. So, knowing that and knowing the linguistic side of it, of how to communicate with other people, I get told all the time that NLP is manipulation and the reality is it is a tool, as as you just said, and it comes down to what your intention is. And I use my burglary clients as an example all the time. Like if somebody was to show up with your house with a crowbar and you have locked yourself out of your house and you need help getting in and they use that crowbar to open your door, that is is a tool. However, that same person can show up with that same crowbar when you're not home, open your door to steal your shit, and that's a weapon and the only difference was that person's intention when they used it.

Speaker 2: 39:55

It doesn't make the crowbar bad, right, it's the intention of the person that's using it, and so, when it comes to my NLP trainings, we guard this stuff. Like I don't sell my stuff online, I don't sell my trainings online. The only way people get into my training room is by me knowing them or by somebody that I know and trust knowing them and referring them to me. If I haven't had a conversation with them, they don't get these tools, because I have to know your intentions.

Speaker 1: 40:20

Yeah, that's huge, it is true. I mean it's like people view guns as bad, but essentially it's the person holding the gun and their intent with the gun.

Speaker 2: 40:29

Right.

Speaker 1: 40:29

And that's the same. I mean obviously a lot, a big, big dramatic you know, difference, but similar, yeah, but the same, right. So I do have one final question. Exactly. I got one final question for you and I know I didn't give this to you ahead of time and there was a reason for it because I like the spot-on answer.

Speaker 2: 40:47

I love these ones.

Speaker 1: 40:49

So this is amber's legacy wall, right and on this legacy wall. It's not a tombstone. I have to always say that because, no matter how many times I say it, people still give me a tombstone answer. This is is your legacy wall, and on this wall could be any message, short or long, that you would leave for the up and coming generations that you've learned along your life's journey.

Speaker 2: 41:15

There's so many. So I think there's a couple things. The first one of my favorite phrases this was originally told to me by my business coach when I was first starting NLP was choice is a powerful thing and suffering is always optional. So that would be the first Like if you suffer in your life, it is because you are choosing to suffer. There is no other option. I don't care what your circumstances are, I don't care what your life has been like. There have been a lot of people who have been dealt shitty cards in their life that don't suffer. So choice is a powerful thing, suffering is always optional. And then this is a little bit more in your wheelhouse. So we didn't talk a ton about this, so I'll make it super short. But my transformation from being an attorney suffering from panic attacks to being somebody that can stand in front of a room, train, be vulnerable, be open and build this coaching business that I've built happened through fitness. And build this coaching business that I've built happened through fitness.

Speaker 2: 42:26

When I was having panic attacks because my six-figure income was supposed to take all my pain away and it didn't, and I found myself hyperventilating in a hotel room and not knowing how to function, I found obstacle course racing. I started running Tough Mudders, I ran endurance races. Obstacle course racing, I started running Tough Mudders, I ran endurance races, and every single time that I would do something on an obstacle course that I didn't do before, it would remind me that I was holding myself back in other areas of my life. Without obstacle course racing, I don't open my first law firm, I don't find NLP training, I don't write my book. I don't have anything that I have today. So with that, we have a phrase in the obstacle course racing and world's toughest mudder community that we used to say at the starting line of every single race and it was when was the last time you did something for the first time? And I would ask people to ask themselves that every single day. I don't care whether it's something big, like skydiving or doing an obstacle course race or traveling across the country alone, or whether it's something small like making a sales call or helping somebody across the street with groceries, like when was the last time that you did something that made you uncomfortable? And the last quote I'll leave you with is from a book by Jen Sincero called you Are a Badass, and it's the first time I've talked.

Speaker 2: 43:51

I talk about comfort zones all the time, and when I read this book and I heard this quote, it was the first time that a comfort zone became tangible to me. She says in her book the walls of your comfort zone are lovingly decorated with a lifetime of your favorite excuses. And it immediately gives me that image of sitting in this dark room with all my excuses around me and there's this door and all you have to do is choose to walk out of it. And when you choose to walk out of it, there is a plethora of people and experiences that are there to change your life. As long as you are held victim to those excuses that you have decorated, the walls of your comfort zone with you will always stay small. So choice is a powerful thing. Suffering is always optional. When was the last time you did something for the first time? And the walls of your comfort zone are lovingly decorated with a lifetime of your favorite excuses. That would be my legacy wall.

Speaker 1: 44:48

Well, I love that. So where can people connect with you and learn more about what you have going on?

Speaker 2: 44:53

Yeah, so the best way is probably to go to my website at successdevelopmentsolutionscom. There you will see information about the free Facebook group that we have, the podcast, the book, any of the upcoming trainings or anything that we have. It's all there at successdevelopmentsolutionscom. You can also follow me on any social media.

Speaker 1: 45:16

Well, awesome Guys, make sure you guys share this episode with a friend. I had a set of questions that I was gonna ask her, and I honestly didn't even ask a single one that I was pre-planned to ask, because I got so much out of this, and I know you guys did too. So thank you so much again, amber, for taking the time out of your day to hop on the Mindset Cafe.

Speaker 2: 45:33

Thank you for having me. This was a fantastic conversation.

Speaker 1: 45:36

We'll definitely stay in touch soon. Only positive thoughts. Just in the game of life, my set calls the shots, got my mind on the prize. I can't be distracted. I stay on my grind. No time to be slackin'. I hustle harder. I go against the current Cause. I know my mind is richer to be collected.