230. Healing Your Mind, Integrating Your Life /w Foojan Zeine

Foojan Zeine shares her transformative journey from trauma to creating Awareness Integration Theory (AIT), a groundbreaking framework that helps people move from merely surviving to genuinely thriving. Her personal path through childhood trauma, immigration, and business collapse reveals how unresolved past issues inevitably resurface until properly addressed through conscious integration of all parts of ourselves.

• World-renowned psychotherapist with over 20 published studies on AIT
• Created a six-phase model integrating thought processes, emotions, behaviors, and relationships
• Explains the crucial difference between surface-level coaching and deeper psychotherapy
• Demonstrates how unprocessed trauma leads to self-sabotage despite external success
• Emphasizes the importance of specific life skills development for relationships and communication
• Shows how AIT reduces depression by 75% and anxiety by 64% in clinical settings
• Has expanded AIT beyond therapy to education, including remarkable success with children
• Developed an app and AI chatbot for greater accessibility to mental wellness tools
• Teaches that being your "best self" means your unique definition, not matching someone else's ideal

Connect with Dr. Fujian Zain at fuzhanzain.com or download her app from the Apple Store or Google Play.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introducing Dr. Fujian Zain
• 2:04 From Survival to Self-Discovery
• 7:15 Understanding Psychotherapy vs. Coaching
• 12:12 Awareness Integration Theory Explained
• 18:42 Teaching Skills for Life Success
• 27:58 Implementing AIT with Children
• 34:15 Being Your Best Through Mindful Choices
• 38:40 Final Thoughts on Personal Responsibility

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Yeah, it's Mindset Cafe. We all about that mindset. Gotta stay focused. Now go settle for the last. It's all in your head how you think you manifest. So get ready to rise, cause we about to be the best. Gotta switch it up. Gotta break the old habits. Get your mind right, turn your dreams into habits. No negative vibes, only positive thoughts.

Speaker 1: 0:20

What is up, guys? Welcome to another episode of the Mindset Cafe podcast. It's your boy, devin, and today we are joined by Dr Fujian Zain. She is a world-renowned psychotherapist. She is an international speaker and author and, honestly, just a brilliant mind, right, she is the brilliant mind behind awareness integration theory, ait, and that part is a science-based, a science-backed sorry framework proven to reduce anxiety and depression while improving your self-esteem and confidence. And she's had over 20 published studies, lectures at Harvard, ucla and USC and her newest tech venture, the Fujian app, right, which we'll dive into in a little bit. But she's had a extensive career in, essentially, wellness, in mindset and all those things, and you guys already know I mean the title is Mindset Cafe. So who better to bring on than someone that is actually an expert in that, that area? So, without further ado, thank you for coming to the show, dr Foujon Zane.

Speaker 2: 1:22

Oh, it's such a pleasure, Devin. Thank you for inviting me and hello to everybody who's listening or watching us. Are they listening only or watching us too?

Speaker 1: 1:30

Both, both. There you go, okay. So I mean, I always like to start with like you know how you came to end up where you are right. So like a little bit of background. So what was your childhood like, what was your upbringing like? What led you down this path of you know mindfulness and you know all these things?

Speaker 2: 1:48

Oh, absolutely. I'm originally from Iran. I was born there and I came from a family that was very well known but, you know, because they were so much in their career that the, you know being together within the family system was when my parents got divorced and I came actually to US. So I was the product of a divorce. I was product also of, you know, abuse, sexual abuse, and about age of 12, I came to US and I kind of like raised myself in US. So when it came and I was just like you know, surviving, surviving, surviving.

Speaker 2: 2:25

And then it became around 20s where I opened the business. I was surviving, I went into a marriage and then the world collapsed because I thought, you know, I got everything I was supposed to get. I was supposed to get married, I was supposed to do my education, I had a business, everything I said I was going to create on a survival base, that I was just going to strive and survive and make it without anybody. I got. But the world collapsed, I wasn't happy. So that led me to start with a lot of coaching seminars you know of self going to Tony Robbins, going to landmark, going to, you know, to all of these places where. From there I thought I need a lot more work. There's a lot deeper traumas here which I want to work. My relationship was a work is.

Speaker 2: 3:12

I started psychotherapy and that opened the conversation of wow, how much I had pressed, regressed just in order to survive and move forward. And I knew how to survive Devin, I never knew how to live. So that just begun this whole journey of not only working on myself in so many layers and different ways, but also wanted to become a therapist, so whatever I've learned and how I could support myself to be able to share with others. So then I started learning all of these different modalities. Some modalities think if you change your thought processes, you'll change your emotion and behaviors and you're fortunate, or whatever happens.

Speaker 2: 3:57

Some theories are like change your feelings, you're going to change everything. Or change your behavior, you're going to change everything, or clear the trauma, and you're going to change everything. And I'm like, okay, going to change everything, or clear the trauma, and you're going to change everything. And I'm like, okay, I learned them all. Why don't I bring them all together? So the best of the best that was learned by me wherever I went and to therapy that I did on myself and with my clients. I put them in a structure together so it kind of moves faster and deeper and it has really created a path for people to become fulfilled in their life, regardless of circumstances that have happened in their life. And I'm I've lived it and I've, you know. That's where I'm sharing it from.

Speaker 1: 4:41

No, that's awesome. And so what was that first business that you had opened, you know, before you felt like your world collapsed.

Speaker 2: 4:49

I opened a flower business a flower design business actually. It was called Princess Flowers and we were at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills. We had almost all of the Rodeo Drive. I don't know if you were from California or not, but Rodeo Drive, you know boutiques and you know weddings and bar mitzvahs and bar mitzvahs and you know everything you could ever imagine. In every week and for two to three years I was really working hard with my partner and it's the same time that my marriage collapsed, my business collapsed, my friendships collapsed and it was more like, okay, what's going on? I did everything that I wanted to do, what happened to me, and it sneaks in. If you're not handling what traumas you've had keeps coming. You know the beliefs that I'm not worthy, I'm not good enough, I can't make it, I'm powerless against the world. All of those things that showed up for me as a child would creep in no, I mean, that's that is so interesting.

Speaker 1: 5:59

I mean, one of those, one of the things that you said was you were surviving but you weren't living, and you know how these things start to creep in. And it is so true. I think that sometimes we get so wrapped up in just trying to hit goals and just trying to hit, you know, the things that we wanted to achieve and in the process we kind of lose ourselves.

Speaker 2: 6:21

We do. We do, um, because there's a part that, in order to for us to be able to survive, we disconnect from different parts. Because, if you know, if I, if I'm too overwhelmed and I cannot handle something, our body, our brain does this thing where you kind of lift off, you dissociate in order for a part of you to be able to move forward. So if you're dissociating from so many parts of you and you're trying to move forward, at one point all of those parts are knocking at some door and saying let me in, let me be a part of the whole thing. And when you're not aware of what you're doing, you do things, you sabotage yourself. Or you look at things, or you take opportunities or not take opportunities out of your subconscious mind, which is trying to protect you, and because of that protection sometimes you'll react really harshly. Or you don't take opportunities that are there, or you take the opportunities but you don't think you deserve them. So then you know you sabotage yourself from that and you find yourself constantly in an area that it's not. It's not there.

Speaker 2: 7:31

And even if you, if I created everything, I was unhappy because I had no skills. I had no skills of how to be in a relationship. I had no skills of you know what to do, even with finances. I just went day to day trying to survive. So when you get some things and it looks good but you're not happy inside, it doesn't make sense. It's not even worth it anymore, because you do all of these things for it to make your life fulfilled and then after that it doesn't. So it's very confusing at one point, like how come? How come I did everything and I'm still so miserable? And then it was the time like okay, I'm just going to take over the conversation of I no longer want to be miserable and I'm going to take over being responsible to be happy, to become accountable, to make myself happy. And that opened up this whole journey.

Speaker 1: 8:25

No, I mean, and I do want to dive into it because I mean I'm I think that's you know dive into, like the AIT, the awareness integration theory and stuff. But before we dive into that, I did want to ask you know something you had mentioned in the beginning, which was, you know, when your world started collapsing, you started getting into psychotherapy. And you know I mean one of the one of the people I used to listen to, and even so, do you know one of the greats, tony Robbins, right, can you explain what, why you went with psychotherapy and why, or what is the?

Speaker 2: 8:58

difference between regular therapy and psychotherapy. Psychotherapy, the talk therapy, is what we call psychotherapy. What Tony Robbins and many of the coaches do is they look at how to who you are, where you are right now and how you could look at the future. So they're more like self-progress seminars, self-transformation seminars, which they do take from psychology, from the field of psychology, but they move it into the betterment of tomorrow. What are your goals about the tomorrow? So you're looking at how I can manifest and create what I need and what my goals are.

Speaker 2: 9:35

The problem that I got from just doing that was that creation of my goals were still from an angle of survival. They weren't really from an angle of thriving and being happy and enjoying life and being fulfilled. So the goals were set up as that. So, no matter how much I reached the goal, it was not still not enough. It wasn't enough. Now the next one, the next one. You know it was like it was nothing was ever enough. And then, plus that, as you, I'm reaching the goals because I haven't handled my past. They kept sabotaging me and I didn't know what was happening. So I will keep coming back to I'm not good enough, I'm bad, I can't do this. So that's one approach that works for a lot of people, but it might not be enough, and for me it wasn't enough.

Speaker 2: 10:23

So I had to go back into psychotherapy and trauma-informed psychotherapy, where not only I looked at who I was and what was my background that built me this way. What were some of the thought processes and beliefs that I had created as I was growing up, based on the relationship that my parents had, based on the abuse that I had, based on the neglect, based on everything and based on all the strength. You know, coming to another country at age 12 and raising myself, there was a hell of a lot of strength also. So, based on all of those pieces, what were my backgrounds and how I needed to get healed from abuse and from neglect and from all of those, and then bringing all my parts together and heal, that's when I set up a goal and move forward. Then, every achievement, I felt the gratitude, I felt the joy. It was enough, although I wanted more, because I would get bored if I would just stay there.

Speaker 2: 11:25

I wanted to expand, but it wasn't because I wasn't good enough or there was a lack. It was just like got this, now let's have the next experience. And even if I didn't get the next experience, even if I died at that time, I would be fulfilled Right. So it's a different essence of you when you clean up your path and you become whole and all of these other parts of you which you've kind of shoved in closets, you have shame around them and you're watchful of nobody finding out. And you know, even if you're successful, you feel like a fraud because parts of you are. You know you're afraid to bring them. When you clean them up, when they're all here, when you're one person, a whole person, then you thrive moving forward and you own everything that you've created the power, the vulnerability, all of it.

Speaker 1: 12:19

No, I mean, that is amazing, and so would you say that everything that you just described is that kind of the framework for the awareness integration theory.

Speaker 2: 12:28

Very much, yes. So I brought it into a six phase model, which the phase. The first three phases are very much about the present moment, distinctions of you. Know your thought process, your emotions, how to handle your emotions. What are your emotions are saying to you? What are you know? As if they're knocking at your body, what are they really saying, what's the message and how to release them, capture the message.

Speaker 2: 12:53

How I, you know, act and behave through the world where I create these results. You know, positive and negative, all the power, the resilience, things that are my strength and strategies that move me forward, and then my vulnerabilities. You know things that don't work for me, some of the past stuff that are not so. Part of that is looking at my wholeness of life, like my roles in, you know, in, in relationship and intimate relationship with my marriage, in my work with my clients, with children, with you know, nature, with universe, with God, with anything that you can imagine, all of my relationships. So, to kind of like, first become aware of who am I and how do I operate, the way that I do so, bringing my subconscious to the consciousness in every area of my life, so that becomes the awareness part and then, based on this awareness, I look at what are some of the belief systems that are still holding me back, what's in front of me that doesn't allow me to move, that keeps constantly coming back and hold me, and then, within a process, go to the past when did I make this up? What happened, what was the event that I said this to myself? And then reconnect with my strength things that I've done in order to survive, in order to move forward, how I've endured all of those things and bring them together and connect and heal that part and then, kind of like, reinvent and say who do I intend to be? Who is it that I intend to be with all of my strengths that I know? So this isn't something about. Oh, let me see what good words are there and just pick up and put them together and say this is who I want to be. No, this is you, because you did your homework of doing you know the awareness of yourself. You pick and choose from the values that you've seen. It has worked for you. You pick and choose the power and strategies and behaviors that you've done that has really made you who you are. So out of that is like okay, these are. This is the person I intend to be. I'm going to pick up all of this and intend to be this person and then from there you set up your goals in every single angle of life. You create action plans, you create structures, you know, with people around you, to make sure that you're moving forward and creating what you say that you can create.

Speaker 2: 15:06

And now you have the skills that if you hit you know a blind spot, or if you hit a blind spot or if you hit something that's not working, you have the mechanism to go back and check and reflect and see what stuff did I do that it worked. What stuff did I do that it didn't work? It no longer Devin becomes about who I am as a lack. It only becomes about what humanistic and existential conversation is, which is I'm good as a soul, as who I am, I'm good. The rest of it is just skills. So then I just got to learn this skill that works. And if I did this and it didn't work, just don't do it. Now do it. But if you, if you just did this without the background work, I've learned that it doesn't move forward.

Speaker 2: 15:56

Does that make sense?

Speaker 1: 15:57

No, it definitely does make sense and I think it goes. You can't just do surface level work. You're going to get surface level results right. You have to dive in. You have to do the backend work. You have to one.

Speaker 1: 16:10

One big thing that I'm I'm a big advocate for is self-reflecting right, whether it's a situation that happens and you have an emotional response that you isn't, is outside your normal character or outside of what you would like to have happened. Like reflect on it later in the day. Why did that event trigger you? Why did that event make you, you know, respond or upset you or whatever the case may be?

Speaker 1: 16:31

But then also, like with hitting goals and setting goals, like self-reflection for me is like you can't just go through life without analyzing yourself. You know you don't go through. You know life. You know having your car just run and knowing that it's always in good. Like you have to take your car in the shop. You go to the doctor to get checkups. Like you should do the same thing for your mental space, for your you know your awareness on how you feel, you know your goals and everything like that. And so one of the questions I wanted to ask too is like you, published over 20 different studies on this awareness integration theory. What are some of the things that you found that have surprised you over those 20 different studies?

Speaker 2: 17:08

Of course what it was astonishing that when we did it from a psychotherapy model and you know I trained psychotherapists and coaches and so when we've done that, the study of like we, we give them pre-tests, you know, with depression, anxiety, self-esteem and all of it, um, and then the same thing as a post-test after we do the work with them from a psychotherapy model we were getting like 75 minimization of depression, um, 64 minimization of anxiety and raising self-esteem and self-efficacy to 40, 50, 60%. So that was interesting from a psychotherapy model. But then two of my colleagues who were teaching at California State University, long Beach you know I have also four books that are only from awareness integration. I had written this book called Life Reset which was for public, really explaining all of this and giving them exercises. So my two colleagues who were teaching they said, oh, look at this book. This book is a self-help book. Can we create something for our students? So I created the assignments for self-help model. So it's the same like the question and the process and all of it I created as a self-help model. So in four classes in California State University, two professors I'm not there, I'm not teaching, I didn't share anything, I just explained what it was. And every week they gave them, you know, one area of life like. One area was career, another one finances or relationship or relationship with your body, and you, just you know the 10 areas that they gave them and they give them the pre-test and the post-test. Without coaching, without psychotherapy, we still got 65% minimization of depression and anxiety. That really surprised me.

Speaker 2: 18:57

And then, based on that, it was like okay, if even the self-help is creating such an amazing numbers, then we created the app, because then people can have access to this type of self-work. If they wanted to do this on their own, they could do it through the app. The app has 31 areas of life. You know you can pick and choose. It'll take you through the process. It'll take you through meditation, self self-realization, conversations, will give you questions, pondering questions, talk you through. The creates a space where you can create goals and stuff. And then it was also okay at one point we set up goals, we create all of that, and I said we get to a place that it's not about me, of who I am, it's about the skills that, whether I have it or not.

Speaker 2: 19:49

So then part of this was well, you need to learn skills. When psychotherapy and coaching were there. So when we know that some you don't have a skill on something, we offer it to you. But how come you know? How are you going to do that?

Speaker 2: 20:00

On a self-help, because if you're going through the process and you're like, well, I don't have the skill, then you know who was going to give you that skill, but you had to go somewhere else.

Speaker 2: 20:09

So therefore, we then added the AI chatbot called Mira, which then you can ask question how do I do this? What do I do with such and such? And then it goes through all of the books, all of the studies that we've done, and takes all of that information and gives you step by step of skills and what to do, skills in what to do. It gives you reflective questions also so you can reflect about yourself, but actually gives you skills. So that led to creation of a technology which you know, people can use anytime and you know, and very less costly than going to coaches and psychotherapists. And 24 hours, however, you know we're training internationally coaches and psychotherapists in 24 hours. However, we're training internationally coaches and psychotherapists where people say I need more than this. I need to actually sit down with someone or I have gone through trauma or I do need someone to work with me through trauma, then they can also access all of the credentialed coaches and psychotherapists also.

Speaker 1: 21:14

Well, I mean that's awesome. There's kind of like the different levels for the different, like what you want out of it. Like if you want the, you know the DIY version, or like the, the semi-guided or the one-on-one hands-on, you know it. That's nice, because not everyone's going to want the hands-on, not everyone's going to want the, you know, not do-it-yourself, but like you know the chatbot and so forth, right. So it's nice that you can kind of get what level you want and what kind of hands-on you want with it and support and guidance. Because, again, some people learn different ways but also some people feel more comfortable in different settings, in different support systems and so forth. So in different settings, in different support systems and so forth. So I think that is a nice feature that you guys have integrated and allow people to fit their need. I do want to ask you said that essentially, if someone doesn't have skills, you teach them. What are you referring to when you mean skills?

Speaker 2: 22:07

So, for example, somebody starts looking at their becoming aware of how do they operate in a relationship, like in their marriage, let's say, or an intimate relationship, right? So they start looking at what works for them, what have they done, what kind of thought process and beliefs they hold in order to create the best relationship. So, for example, I was working with someone, a woman, who wants to get married, and when I say, you know, and she's a heterosexual, so she wanted to get married with a man. So I said what are your belief systems about man? And she goes they're cheaters, they're liars, they're this, they're that. I'm like, and you want to marry one, when you believe this is who they are.

Speaker 2: 22:47

So that's what I mean by subconscious concepts. That shows up. It's like how are you going to go to any date when, in the background, you have all of these conversations about the one who you want to end up loving and being with and marrying? So first is this awareness of what are my thought process, what are my feelings, what are my background on these areas, what are my hopes, what are my fantasies, that hope that all of them will come through. So the first concept would be this awareness part and then if there are pieces where the person was traumatized or they have a belief system because of their background possibly their mother-in-law father didn't work out well, so she held that background. So we come kind of heal those pieces and then now we go into now, what kind of a relationship do you want? Like if you want a marriage which you really want it to be the best kind in your ideal, what would it look like? So as we start looking at that, we start also looking at do you have the skills? Do you have the skills to date? Do you have the communication skills? Do you know what your love languages are and can you communicate that to that person? Do you have listening skills, so that when the other person is sharing who they are, you're not thinking in your own head answering back, but you actually have the skills of listening to the other person? So you look at all the relational skills that is needed for a good marriage to move forward and you do a system check Do you have those skills? Awesome, which ones you don't have? And let's go figure it out together. So if I have it as a coach or a therapist, I'll offer it. If I don't, I'll find the references or referrals and everything else that I can capture so that you could learn that, and then I'll support you with practicing it Right? So then you go on dates and then we'll chat and say how did it go? Did you use those skills? And when you used it, how did it go? Well, and if you didn't use it, what was what was stopping you from using the skills you know? Or you come in and say I used everything that I knew, but then I suddenly he said something to me which I had no idea what to do and how to do it. Okay, now there's another skills, or boundary setting skills. You know, should I say everything about my life, the first and second date, or it's too much? Yeah, like, hold the boundary and see. So these are what I mean by skills, right?

Speaker 2: 25:14

Or if somebody is going to work, what are your ways of working with an authority, with your coworkers? How do you create relationships where you know, yes, there's some competitive edge, but also a collaborative age, where you know, yes, there's some competitive edge, but also a collaborative age? Not everybody has that, especially if you have been like an only child in a system of a family. You move into corporate which is all siblings. You're not going to be able to have the skills. People who had you know from big families. They knew how to handle siblings and then you go into a corporate world. It's like I can handle this. I've done this all my life. Does that make sense with the skills?

Speaker 1: 25:51

No, no, yeah, it definitely does. I mean, and I think it's, it's one of those things where you're you're bringing up, like you said, single, you know single child, or you know you grew up in a big family. It's crazy to think about like you learn certain things just from your upbringing. That's why I kind of like to always ask people about their, their upbringing, their background before we dive into everything, because it starts to make things you know make a little more sense.

Speaker 1: 26:17

Right, you, becoming the expert that you are now, wouldn't hold as much weight necessarily in like a relationship or rapport of feeling in my, if we didn't know that like you went through these things, you, you, you're not just like, oh, I wanted to learn this, it interests me, your life needed it, and so you found the solution and now you're giving the solution to other people and diving deeper and deeper into it. So it's, it makes it that much more amazing, going into these other aspects, that I didn't even realize. I didn't think about them as skills, right, necessarily. But now the way that you said I was like wow, that they are skills like the communicational skills, the relationship skills, the you know, even you know as as far as just emotional skills in dealing with different aspects. You learn from an early childhood that could transfer, or even from early, early relationships or events that could transfer into your life now and you not even realize it.

Speaker 2: 27:12

Absolutely. You know, one of the things that's interesting Devin that one of my colleagues who also got her PhD in early development. She experienced the awareness integration therapy on herself. She had come from a trauma background. She experienced this. She was very depressed, although she had high standing and accolades, but she was very, very depressed. So she went through the awareness integration. She went around the world, she went into 40 countries in 10 months and she came back and although she was, like you know, a high end person in banking industry, she came back and she says, fuzhan, I want to open a childcare. She went across the world and checked out all the childcare and as she came in and wanted to do this, we said do you want to try awareness integration, not only from a reflective concept of psychotherapy and coaching, but now as a proactive educational model where the kids can? You know we bring it as close as like infancy because you know she opened the childcare, she has infants all the way to like six-year-old and 10-year-old.

Speaker 2: 28:25

So over the past seven years, devin, we've been doing a lot of study in how to bring the AIT from emotional regulation. You know, you've always heard a two-year-old is supposed to have tantrums. They're not supposed to be emotionally regulated. That's how it happens. Happens. They have tantrums, they bite, they scream, they, you know, do all of that. You walk into her daycare all of the kids are have learned how to emotionally regulate themselves. They have their emotions, they do their crying and then you know, because we're working with them, from there, like what do you do? You want? What's happening? I want that toy. Okay, how do you want to? You know, how do you want to say so you could have it.

Speaker 2: 29:12

So they're learning negotiation skills. They're learning how to handle. They just have a fit. So he goes into a space where it's for taking care of yourself, sits there, goes into his own body, starts regulating by breathing and helps himself. And then they help each other, like, if one of the other one is crying, the other one holds his hand, takes him to that space and says, okay, deep breathe, now, open your eyes. Now, what do you want? Now, let's go get it.

Speaker 2: 29:39

As early as, like you know, six months a year, two years, three years, they're learning how to do emotional regulation, how to calm themselves down, how respectfully figure out what they want, how to communicate clearly what they want and then how to negotiate with each other and take care of themselves. That's a skill to be able to give a child as they're growing up. So you know we're hoping to be able to take this also into educational models. I'm teaching it in Cal State, long Beach, in two of the classes. I'm teaching it in university in Paris and Romania. So we're you know we're trying to teach this. We're going to Dubai, you know we're going to start with, so I'm taking it internationally and hoping that it can also not only do a clinical work with it but also an educational, where it's part of the whole school system, where people can learn how to handle, you know, their mental and emotional and behavioral regulation and learn the skills as fast as they can.

Speaker 1: 30:39

No, and I think that it is really important that it is taught, because, I mean, I have a three-year-old and it's funny that you mentioned this, because I do do have a three year old and she's in preschool. And just seeing how fast she's grown in terms of, you know, knowledge, in terms of her personality and everything in preschool it is, it's amazing, right, and I think that's one of the things that you know. When people mention, you know, they're supposed to throw, throw a fit, they're supposed to throw tantrums, it's like, to a degree, yes, like they have these hormonal imbalances as they're growing and so forth, yes, but at the same time, that doesn't mean they can't control it. And so my big thing is, even with my three-year-old, I mean she and she just turned three, right is she'll?

Speaker 1: 31:22

She'll throw a tantrum, she'll scream, she'll cry or whatever, and i'll'll scream, she'll cry or whatever, and I'll, I'll wait, you know, and my wife is on board now too, and it's like don't give in, like ask her. I don't know what you're trying to tell me. I need you to use your words and let me know. And so then, all of a sudden, instead of just screaming and pointing, it's all of a sudden she realizes and I know what, what she wants, but I want her to to take a breath, take a second and then tell me. And then so she's realized that it's a lot easier to get what she wants if she asks for it than just to throw a tantrum right. So the tantrums have definitely minimized. Obviously there are breakdowns and stuff like that, but again it's all about sticking to that, that childhood development for them and realizing like this is not the way you. You know what to do. You can ask like you can cry, you can do all kinds of stuff, but the screaming and just demanding, that's not going to work here. I'm sorry.

Speaker 2: 32:18

Exactly so. When the parents are aware and learn the skills themselves, then they transfer that skill also in their parenting style, because then you role model it and you hold the child as their developmental stage has the ability to move to that level, then you as a parent hold that space for them. So you role model that space for them and then move forward. Even we're talking about role modeling even with relational skills.

Speaker 2: 32:49

I just had a client before I hopped on to meet with you and part of it it was like, well, she does this and he does that, and she does that and he does that. And it was like, who do you want to be? So that if I went and asked your children, your wife, your mother, your mother-in-law, father-in-law, everybody that who would you want to say that they want to share about you and whomever you are and you want to be and how you want them to treat you, then you need to just be that and role model that you know a hundred percent of the time, so that you're clear this is who I am and therefore it takes work for yourself to consistently be your best.

Speaker 1: 33:34

Yes.

Speaker 2: 33:35

But then, when you know that this is your best, why wouldn't you want to be this for yourself and for everyone around you? Now, this doesn't mean that we don't have our other side, but can it be that I can take care of my other side and keep coming back to be at my best, versus keep letting go and not be at my best and have held a lot of justifications about why I don't? But how about I take care of myself and share with, even if I'm vulnerable to share with others? Tonight I'm really tired. I'm not in a good mood. I'm just going to go take care of myself a little bit and then I'll come back and be my best again.

Speaker 2: 34:20

And you're the one who creates your best. I'm not saying, like you know, you have to match some perfect thing out there to be your best. You choose your best. I'm not saying, like you know, you have to match some perfect thing out there to be your best. You choose your best. But whatever you choose your best to be that you're proud of, then let me just keep being my best.

Speaker 1: 34:35

Yes, yes, yes, yes, Honestly, that's that's biggest thing is like there is, like you said, there is no picture perfect best, and that's what I think in in other areas of life too, people put their role model.

Speaker 1: 34:49

Put, let's say, tony Robbins right, you know, cause we mentioned him earlier put that as like the person that you should be, when in reality, like that's his version of his best. Your version is different. You've had different life experiences, you've had different events over your lifetime, and so you overcoming those and becoming 1% better every single day is becoming the best version of you, right, and so it's like you have to realize that and understand that it's okay to not be up or just showing up and making excuses and that's one thing I've never accepted is like I don't accept excuses. You can tell me, no, you can tell me whatever you know whether, even for my employees and everything like that, I accept mistakes, that means that you've realized that you made a mistake and it won't happen in the future, and we can discuss how to move forward and overcome those things. But once you start going down the excuse route whether it's for your emotional reactions or for something that was a physical task being done there is no overcoming that, because you're not trying to become better.

Speaker 2: 35:57

And when you mess up, just apologize, clean up and let's go back to being our best, even when you were sharing about Tony, one of the amazing and mesmerizing concept about him is he is so transparent. It's like all right, I screwed up on my relationship, my first marriage, these brothers. Ok, I'm going to do my second and this is how I'm going to do and this is what I've learned and he shares it. He shares what he's learned. He shares you know, there's no excuse. It's more like yeah, this was my responsibility. Excuse. It's more like yeah, this was my responsibility and I did it this way and I thought about it and it didn't work and okay, it collapsed and now I'm doing it and doing it this way. Or this business collapsed and I'm doing it this way and I'm sharing it with you.

Speaker 2: 36:33

So it's okay if we mess up, we're human beings. That's the only way we learn to move to the next skill. Like you said it a couple minutes ago, we are not going to learn skills unless we need it. Mm-hmm, we are not going to learn skills unless we need it. We need it, you know, and sometimes the way that we know we need it is because some obstacles in front of us or we failed at something and we, you know, get up and go like this and get up and move and it's okay. I mean because all of it is okay.

Speaker 2: 37:08

And the next part is that I'm going to get up and I'm be my best again and I'm gonna fail again and then I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna be my best again. So the point is not you're always striving to be your best, but I think the point is don't settle to not become your best and then have justifications around it 100 you know you're.

Speaker 2: 37:26

So just live up to your greatness, whatever you say that is, and strive to consistently learn, as long as we live, to move to whatever you say that is going to be fulfilled, and create your best and then share your best. Share your best.

Speaker 1: 37:42

Exactly, I love that, and I mean so. Before we wrap up, I'd like to ask one final question, and this question is the legacy wall question, right. So, on the Dr Foujon legacy wall, right, what is the one message that you would leave for the up and coming generations that you've learned along your life's journey?

Speaker 2: 38:13

me that you are responsible for making yourself a happy and fulfilled person and you're responsible for the way you come across to the world. So, again, you know, create the best that you can and so that when you leave the world, that you are proud of who you are and what you have created with yourself and others, because we don't live without others, we don't exist without others. So it's always this kind of a relatedness. You know, our identity gets created with others and we create other people's identity with who we are Like. For you and your wife and creating a child, you're creating other identities. So let's be responsible and accountable for what we create, of this and how we share it with the world.

Speaker 1: 39:00

I love that. Where can people connect with you?

Speaker 2: 39:03

Fuzhanzaincom If they want to go to the app, Apple Store or Google Play, and the website for that is also Fuzhancom If they want to know about awareness, integration awarenessintegrationcom. All the research, the books, everything is in there.

Speaker 1: 39:18

Awesome. Well, guys, make sure you guys share this episode with a friend, make sure you guys leave that five-star review. It really does help us out, spread the word, and it helps when you share this with a friend, because you're leveling up and you're helping your circle evolve and become 1% better each and every day and, in turn, that ripple effect helps you become better. So again, thank you, doctor, for so much, for taking the time out of your day to come on the Mindset Cafe.

Speaker 2: 39:42

Thank you so much for allowing me to do this.