232. Stop People-Pleasing and Start Speaking Your Truth w/ Chris Marr

Chris Marr, client communication expert and authority coach, shares powerful insights on establishing genuine authority by embracing authenticity rather than seeking approval. He explores how overcoming people-pleasing tendencies and speaking your truth creates stronger relationships, clearer boundaries, and more impactful communication both professionally and personally.

• Finding comfort in your own identity after years of feeling like "a square peg in a round hole"
• Distinguishing between authoritative communication and being an authoritarian 
• How accidentally diminishing your authority through language and non-verbal cues prevents others from respecting you
• The inverse relationship: addressing difficult conversations directly strengthens relationships rather than damaging them
• Setting boundaries and becoming comfortable with saying "no" to things that don't align with your priorities
• Viewing confidence issues as skill issues—acquire the right skills to build confidence in any area
• Why external validation seeking prevents authentic connection and diminishes your impact

Connect with Chris Marr on Instagram @theauthoritativecoach or visit theauthoritativecoach.com to learn more about his book and coaching programs.

Chapters

• 0:00 Mindset Cafe Introduction
• 3:11 Meet Chris Marr: Client Communication Expert
• 9:52 Finding Your Authentic Self
• 22:13 What Makes an Authoritative Coach
• 30:14 The Problem with People Pleasing
• 36:10 Saying No and Setting Boundaries

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Yeah, it's Mindset Cafe. We all about that mindset. Gotta stay focused. Now go settle for the last. It's all in your head how you think you manifest. So get ready to rise, cause we about to be the best. Gotta switch it up. Gotta break the old habits. Get your mind right. Turn your dreams into habits. No negative vibes, only positive thoughts.

Speaker 2: 0:20

What is up guys? What is up? Welcome to another episode of the Mindset Cafe podcast. It's your boy, devin, and today we have a cool guest. He actually sent me a few copies of those things to be recognizable, so it was definitely a cool little thing that I noted for even myself to do in the future.

Speaker 2: 0:51

But without further ado, you know the guest. He is a client communication expert. He is has skills in the entrepreneurial space. He honestly is the author and a coach and the expert of being an authoritative coach, right, and an authoritative expert, which is one of those things where, even in the entrepreneurial space, like you can kind of take why you would need that. But even in the everyday space, I feel like we're going to dive into some aspects that you need to, you know, create that authority, create that authority in your household, in your professional space. So we'll take some different caveats and stuff within that, but his whole thing is stop people pleasing, right, challenging your clients and being indispensable. And, with 15 years of experience in helping professionals across the globe, we're going to learn some stuff today. So, without further ado, welcome Chris Marr to the show. Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day. Man Hop on.

Speaker 1: 1:48

Hey Devin. Yeah, I'm excited to be here. I love the intro music. It gets you like it's got the right vibe right. It gets you fired up.

Speaker 2: 1:55

No, definitely, and it's awesome. I mean, we're connecting from to to explore different minds, but also to explore different minds from different parts of the globe, because there's, you know, different life experiences, different things that you've endured or gone through or seen, heard, felt in your life experience, and it's always cool to resonate. So I feel like this is going to be super interesting. Um, one, one thing I want to dive into. I like to kind of preface everything by, you know what was your bring-up life?

Speaker 1: 2:31

what was your childhood like? What led you into becoming a coach? Well, it's okay, uh, go back to when you were born, 1981 right okay, cool, um, I could pick up, yeah.

Speaker 1: 2:39

So I've been asked some similar questions like this before in the past. I think there's some like significant things that have shaped me. Um, definitely, I think just to touch on something you mentioned there, though that I think there's something very important about connecting with people in different parts of the world. Like your state's a small place, scotland's tiny. There's only six million people in Scotland. You know, it's like a such a small place. If you're not like bridging out to connect with people across the world, like you're missing out on meeting the best people that you can, right? So I think that's such an important point you've already made.

Speaker 1: 3:09

I think what was significant for me as a child was like very much an introvert, want to spend a lot of time on my own, and I feel like it took me such a long time to like figure out and be confident about just being me, like I feel like it's even I'm 43 years old now and I feel like I'm I'm more I'm. Obviously I've been working on it, of course, but I feel like I can turn up and be me and not feel like I need to like dial back certain aspects of my characteristics that like just to be acceptable. For example, like I am too much for people, I go too fast, I've got high standards, I get obsessed with things and like they're sort of as you can, like as you could imagine, like I collect books and you know I get obsessed with things. But I think in the past, it's like as I was younger, I think I had a real problem just finding my space in the world, like where, like I've had trouble like with groups of friends and just being a bit of a loner at some points in my world, like where, like I've had trouble like with groups of friends and just being a bit of a loner at some points in my life as well, and I think I just struggled a lot with just trying to find where I'm supposed to be.

Speaker 1: 4:15

I used to say that I was like a square around, a square, peg in a round hole, and I felt like that even in like my early stage of my career, like in my early 20s, going into my late 20s, I just felt like I didn't quite belong, like I was. There was something just weird about it and I think it just took me a long time to figure out who I am, what I'm supposed to do, what makes me happy, why it's okay to have, why it's actually completely fine just to be me and actually even more than that. That. That's actually what people want me to be. They want me to be myself. And so I think, like I struggled with all of that, I had my own journey through all of that and try to figure that out.

Speaker 1: 4:56

I think that's probably the most, you know, shaping of me is like accepting myself and being my own friend and all of that and knowing that if I can be comfortable in my own way, that that's actually good for everybody because I'm happy and therefore that can you know, that sort of like that energy comes out in everything that I do. So I think that's been that jumps front of mind for me is like how significant it's been to kind of even just accept the troubles of all of that. I think my mum recently just she said to me I didn't realize that you struggled so much in like you know, in high school, you know I was like, yeah, there's periods where I was hanging out on my own in the computer room like I didn't have any friends, you know. And she was like I didn't realize that and I was like isn't that fascinating, you know? So I think that's been. I feel like that's been a thread for me that I'm so pleased to kind of landed in a positive place with all that.

Speaker 2: 6:01

No, and it does make sense, and I think a lot of people go through that right and a lot of people are just trying to find their place in the world and trying to figure out what their purpose is, were you an only child no, no, no, okay, I was not.

Speaker 1: 6:15

Not only was I not an only child, I was part of a blended family as well. It was actually so. I had my parents both remarried, and that introduced two stepbrothers from each side, so there's actually six brothers in the family, and we're all about the same age. There was like three or four years between the six of us.

Speaker 2: 6:36

Oh, wow.

Speaker 1: 6:37

Yeah, but then I think that it's interesting. You ask that because that was actually a problem for me, like sharing things, things having my own space, um, just having the ability to connect with my parents, like there's a obviously a dial, like it's hard, like there's all these people and I think that's trying to find your space and all that I think quite challenging no, definitely I think they're it's.

Speaker 2: 7:01

It's weird because I feel like there's challenges on both sides, right, like when, when a is I don't want to say too big, but a bigger family comes with challenges. Right, cause it's not too big like, but a bigger family comes with challenges. Because, again, you kind of get you feel like you get lost in the shuffle. Right, you're sharing everything and nothing is felt like it's yours, right, and on the flip side of it, where you don't have siblings, you don't get that companionship or that you know, you kind of get forced into. When you're at home, you are alone, right, if your parents aren't working or if you're whatever. So there's that two sides to it, and so I think that a lot of people face it in their own different, maybe, ways and definitions of it. But I think that's one of the biggest things with growing up and, and you know, becoming an adult and even as an adult, we're still all just figuring it out, and so the the reason I say that is me and my wife had a conversation because I mean, we're in our 30s and I would told her I was like you know what it's crazy is?

Speaker 2: 8:03

I remember my parents in their 30 would told her. I was like you know what it's crazy is? I remember my parents in their thirties, like I remember my, my dad's, you know, like 35th birthday or whatever, and you look at them as a kid and you're like they have it all figured out, like they know. And then all of a sudden you you're that age and you're like they didn't have it all figured out, like you were still just figuring out as you go, like they didn't have it all figured out, like you were still just figuring out as you go. And it's so crazy to have that like realization that that's what life is Just figuring it out as you go.

Speaker 1: 8:32

Totally agree. Yep, like life is figuring it out. I think that's a great sort of phrase, because a lot of people are want to get to a point where it's figured out that's, and the idea is like that isn't life. Life is the journey of figuring. You're just always figuring out what the next thing is. You know, as you get older, you're just going to have like more challenges, right? Family members are going to start to pass away. Your kids are going to get older, they're going to get married, they're going to have kids, and it's like this have kids. And it's like this. All there's just life is like this, just these series of chapters that you're going through.

Speaker 1: 9:08

I hope, though, that the work that I'm doing, and even people that are listening to the show as well, are like I hope that we're doing the work that prepares us for those future events. Right, that we're figuring it out, but maybe we are just one or two. We're figuring out how to be prepared for two or three chapters ahead of ourselves. I think about that all the time, just wanting to be quite secure in a lot of ways to deal with some of these like not just predictable, but absolutely certain things that are going to happen in life, um, and hope that I'm going to be, like, strong enough and secure enough and just got myself together enough to be able to deal with those things in a in a healthy way. Um, I do think about that a lot actually.

Speaker 2: 9:59

Um, now that I'm thinking about it, yeah, no, I mean, I mean, I'm in alignment with that for sure. Like your goal is essentially to work on yourself, learn new things and try to prepare yourself for those next chapters, but at the end of the day, those chapters are going to have unforeseen things, like you don't know what you don't know until you're in that chapter of life. So I definitely am in alignment with that. I love that. Well, so what I mean, what got you into to the authoritative coaching? You know what? What spawned that?

Speaker 1: 10:31

so I cut my teeth do sales and marketing. Coaching was where I really spent all my like a lot of my hours there, um, and I think, through what? So very organic I can't there's no other way to say it like I didn't know 10 years, I couldn't have predicted that this is the brand or this the part of the story. Um, I think it was very much about just getting as much from every experience as I can. So as I started to teach and as my hours started to clock up and as I started to work with larger and larger organizations in fact, a lot of my clients were in the states um, larger and larger companies, I was working with leadership teams and marketing teams and sales teams and all of the work that comes with that and all the challenges that come with that. I think as part of that work, I just started to extract a lot, like I learned from everything. I documented everything, journaled, everything, um, and I think it's just sort of a natural evolution to find myself in a place where I'm doing this work work mainly because all of it is all about communication, right, when you really marketing and sales yes, lots of tactics, lots of software, lots of tools, all of that stuff. But if you want to get teams to buy into a strategy or to buy into a vision or to do their best work even you do you need to be a world-class communicator. You need to be able to communicate at your highest level.

Speaker 1: 11:51

And so I found that, as I was going through my own journey, people started to ask me how I could help them with what they're doing, and so there was this organic sort of like movement towards taking that expertise and coaching other people in client facing roles, specifically coaches and consultants, people like account managers, sales teams, anywhere where leadership teams, anywhere where there's like a high stakes sort of communication happening. And over the last 10 years I've been working with a group of people on this. We sort of figured out how to have high stakes conversations, how to get buy in from a group of people, how to communicate more effectively essentially in organizations and in life in general. So it became honestly like I would do this work for free, because, uh, it's a real passion of mine to want to help people to communicate more effectively, because it is the key to confidence as well, like being able to go into any room and feel confident that you can spark up a conversation that can hold your own in a room like that, I think is it's just an example, really, of how good communication skills are.

Speaker 1: 13:04

Working on, your communication skills can actually set you up for success across your whole life. So there's a big deal and it continues to be. It's just interesting to me, the more I work on it, the more work I realize there is to do in this space, and so I think my sense is that this is the rest of my career is specifically in the communication space no, definitely, and, and I think career is specifically in the communication space no, definitely, and I think that is one of the foundational pillars, essentially, of life and success communication, right.

Speaker 2: 13:35

And so what does it mean, I guess, in your definition, what does it mean to be authoritative, and why is it important?

Speaker 1: 13:42

Yeah, it's a good question, because the word itself could have negative connotation, right? So when people hear the word authority, they think power over, like somebody has power over me telling me what to do, micromanaging me or whatever those negative senses are. But that's not really it. Authoritative is more like how you turn up in the world. So the whole idea is like well, look, if you want to be, if you want people to listen to you and you want to have some influence, you want to have respect, you want to have some control. I think we all want agency, right? If you want control, influence and respect, the way you turn up in the world is going to have an effect on that right. So you could be.

Speaker 1: 14:29

Most people that I work with are accidentally diminishing their authority without they don't even really know that they're doing that, and it's everything from the non-verbal language that they, the way that they communicate non-verbally even down to like literally the words they use that diminish their authority. And what they don't realize is that because you're doing these things, accidentally or otherwise, that people are just not listening to you, they aren't being influenced by you, they aren't treating you with respect, they aren't treating you like an expert, and we wonder why, you know, we can't get clients, or we can't build a business, or we can't get what we want in life, um, and it's because of these things I think we need to think seriously about how we turn up in the world in an authoritative way, right, that we can be almost like you turn up confidently, uh, committed, convicted to your ideas, so that people listen to. You. Think this guy, this person here he's, he knows what he wants, um, he believes in what he's talking about. Um, and I respect a person like that because you think that you know, for the most part, you're going to get the truth from that person as well. Like they're not trying to be somebody that they're not, they're not changing who they are, just to fit in. Like I had somebody, um, I don't know. Can you swear on this show?

Speaker 1: 15:50

yeah, you're good, right, cool. Um, I when I remember when I first met somebody in a professional setting and I've got like sleeve tattoos and whatever and I turned up and she's like, oh, the first time I saw you, chris, I was like this guy does not give a fuck. And I was like exactly like yeah, and not in a way where, like I'm I'm like judgmental or dismissive about the work that I believe in the work that we're doing, but I don't give a shit if you like me or not. Like that is not affecting the way that I turn up, whether you like me or not. Um, and that's such a powerful position to be in to not need anything from another person. I don't need a pat on the back, I don't need your like. I don't need you to even try to like me to turn up here and do my best work and it's such a great thing to let go of. Like I don't need to try and be somebody that I'm not in order to get something that like to make me feel nice about things. So I've kind of gone down a rabbit hole there.

Speaker 1: 16:52

But like the whole idea is like to be able to turn up in an authoritative way is really an internal work which is like who am I and how can I be self-assured in this world? And it's almost like your core values, like who do I want to be, what do I believe in? And instead of the opposite, which is, if I need to be liked, it's all about external things. Right will Devin like me, I can't. I can't say the things I want to say, in case the audience that I annoy somebody, a stranger that I've never seen before, I heard of before. You know it's like you're thinking about everything that's happening outside of the world, but actually some of the most important work you could do for yourself is internal work. It's got nothing to do with anybody else. It hasn't even got anything to do with the books or the courses. It's actually hugely internal. Like what do I want? Who am I? What do I believe in, how do I want to turn up?

Speaker 2: 17:45

those are the big questions I think that have helped me even to try, like to really transform myself into being authoritative and turning up in the world in that way no, and I think that's a super freeing um that space to be in, right, and it's like we do want people to like us but, at the same time, it doesn't impact us, right? Positive or negative, if someone doesn't like us, like if you don't like me, you don't like me. It is what it is, you know, and that's it's. It's a personal problem, right?

Speaker 1: 18:19

you know I'm not going to change who I am so that you'll like me. My hope is that you'll like me for who I am like. So we're all human. Yes, I want to be liked and yes, I want to be friendly with people, but it doesn't necessarily need to be friends with people, right? I'm not going to go around it. So there's like the danger is there's a fine line between all of this and being an asshole right right, and that's not what we're.

Speaker 1: 18:43

We're not talking about being an adult deliberately being an asshole. That's not it. That's like part, like part of the formula, perhaps of it. Like I take some of that, some of the the things that assholes have, which is like they can be hugely direct but they don't give a shit about how you feel. For example, let's have the direct piece, but let's also have the empathy for others, right, and so there's.

Speaker 1: 19:04

There's a combination of things that we can pull together here that I think is getting in the right order. So what I say is like, if you go into these especially professional relationships where the stakes are high, if you have a high need to be liked, what you risk is never being respected. However, if you go into these professional relationships letting go of the need to be liked, there's a good chance that you'll be respected first and then perhaps liked, right? So what are you? What do you want to risk here? I know that I don't want to risk the respect, so I'll risk the need to be liked yeah, and I mean I think that it goes even deeper too.

Speaker 2: 19:42

It's like if your real goal is to be liked by everyone, you're going to be essentially kind of like super liked or like loved or admired by no one Because you're a little bit of this and they like that aspect of you, but then you're a little bit of this for this other group of people and so they're like well, that doesn't really vibe with me. So it's like you have to be true to who you are and it, like you said, it's not meant to be. Like you know, I'm trying to be an asshole because that's just the, the personal brand I want to build. If that's not it. But at the same time, like for even for me personally, like I'm I'm more sarc, a dick, but at the same time, like I'm not going to sugarcoat it so much that you feel good about what you just did wrong. Right, it's like that's just right you know, or like they don't.

Speaker 1: 20:35

They don't get the message right like what did like they don't get like exactly. You're not clear. You're not being clear exactly right.

Speaker 2: 20:42

And then even to, like you, compliment what you're saying too. Like, for example, when I was a personal trainer, one of my clients had asked me one time like how come you're not, you know, one of those trainers that you know is cheering us on? And I was like, cause, that's not me. I was like, if you want to, if you want a trainer, that's going to like I'm, I'm the person that you like. You don't need a high five for doing the work you needed to do. You did you get a high five for going above and beyond. You killed it today. You went above and beyond what was demanded of you. That's, that's awesome, right?

Speaker 1: 21:15

so that way, when I tell you good job, you know I actually mean it versus oh, that's just how he says bye 100% like so you've got like I talk about this a lot, which is like you've got to watch what you're giving away, like if you're always apologizing I'm sorry for this, I'm sorry for that like it starts to not only is it very diminishing, it also starts to mean nothing, right? Or you're always saying thank you for things, like I have this debate with people like well, can't you? What's the problem with saying thank you all the time? It's like because actually, a lot of what we're doing is actually just expected, right? When I say thank you, it's because something extraordinary has happened, but everything else is just expected. Similar to you.

Speaker 1: 21:56

I say to my clients it's like look, 80% of my job is about picking out and pointing out the mistakes you're making and the things that you aren't doing. Well, right, I just need you to know that, because most of the time, I'm not going to be patting you on the back because you did a thing right. If you want, you could deal with that within your team, internally, whatever, but that's not what you're gonna get from me. Are we on the same page? Does that sound like we can? You know? You're just making sure that you're managing their expectations, but I think it's good, like, just reflect on what you're saying, devon, as well. It's like it's good to know, it's good to be comfortable about that, about yourself, because then you're not constantly anxious about trying to be somebody that you are not right. That's kind of what you're saying there. It's like well, that ain't me, I'm okay with that.

Speaker 2: 22:42

If you're okay, you know so yeah, and it's exhausting being trying to be someone that you're not. So it's like it's a lot easier just to be you and like. People will resonate with you and like you for you being you and have a deeper connection, in my opinion, with you, because they know that is truly you, versus you putting on a face, and then they all of a sudden see a glimpse of the real you. Then they're like, oh wow, like he's fake or she's fake, right. So I think there is, there is that side of it as well. So I mean I love the things that you're saying now with with that, I mean it goes into kind of what we're talking about, like the people pleasing, right, and so how could someone almost do like a self-reflection and see if they are a people pleaser or if it's truly them?

Speaker 1: 23:33

really okay. Well, it manifests itself in lots of different ways. So, um well, number one is I have an assessment that you can do. So if you're a client facing professional, I have an assessment that you can do. So. If you're a client facing professional, I have an assessment that you can complete that will shine a light on where your biggest people pleasing areas are. So that's number one. I'd be probably the quickest and easiest thing to do is to do that assessment, which you can. If you go to Instagram and go to the authority of coaching, dm me score, I'll send you the assessment and you can do that for free. And that would be certainly one way. The other way would be to look at like there's there's just so many ways it manifests itself, boundaries as one right.

Speaker 1: 24:12

So if you're like overworked, overwhelmed, if you look at your calendar and you are like, why did I say yes to that thing? Or you turn up for an event and you're resenting the fact that you're there and you don't even like these people, these are all signals to you that you've said yes to the wrong things. What do you want? What's the gap between when you look at your life, where you are right now, and what you would actually like it to look like, and how much agency or control do you feel like you have over affecting that? So I speak to a friend about this all the time. He's like if I want to change something about my life, I can do it. Next week will be different. A lot of people have to wait six months before they can change anything about their life. That's a signal, I think, that you've set yourself up to be like your. Your calendar, your days, your weeks have been controlled by someone else or something else, or there's an expectation for you, you know. So I think that's definitely one way how you're using what you're saying yes to how your time's being used against how you feel about that. I think a lot definitely one way how you're using what you're saying yes to how your time's being used against you, how you feel about that.

Speaker 1: 25:09

I think a lot of people don't even necessarily realize that people pleasing is manifesting itself in your calendar, right? I guess some of the obvious things are when you are clearly saying something to someone that you do not believe, like your guts telling you one thing but you're saying something else and there's a mismatch between how you feel and what you're saying. Well, yeah, that looks really great, that's a great dress you're wearing there, fantastic. But actually you think it looks terrible, and so I guess we have to unpack that right. Why am I lying right now? Why is you know? Why am I not saying what I really think? Um, am I?

Speaker 1: 25:49

I think a lot of people worry. This is, I think, one of the big things devon is. A lot of people worry that, well, they don't want to risk the relationship that they have with someone. They think that if they say the truth or say what they really feel, that that's going to number one, it's going to create awkwardness, it's going to create a difficult conversation that we need to deal with, and they're not prepared. They're not prepared to risk the relationship, so they say something that's acceptable. They lie essentially, they're lying. Um, or they say nothing, right, they sweep it under the carpet, hope it goes away, whatever.

Speaker 1: 26:24

What's interesting about this that I've figured out is that there's an inverse relationship with this, which is a lot of people don't want to approach difficult things with people like just everything from you've got spinach in your teeth to poor performance or whatever it might be, or a behavior that's sort of holding you back from being successful.

Speaker 1: 26:41

Um, they, they shy away from it because they think if they say that thing, it's going to push people away. The opposite is true. So when I look at this opportunity which is how I look at it is this is an opportunity to galvanize your relationship with people Try and see the difficult thing that needs to be said as an opportunity to actually strengthen that relationship, because when you look at the strongest relationships you have, they're usually built on difficult situations. We had to go through stuff together and because we did that, we're actually better off, our relationships better because of it. And so I think a lot of people think that it's the opposite, that they think if they do that thing, they're actually going to turn people away from them, and that's a problem.

Speaker 2: 27:29

No, it goes into that. You find who your real friends are when they tell you, like you said the spinach in your teeth, like if I knew we were having a conversation this whole time and you didn't tell me. And all of a sudden I talked to the next person, like hey, you have some of your teeth. I'm like, oh wow.

Speaker 2: 27:42

Obviously it's embarrassing, but at the same time, like I was, like the person I was just talking to didn't say a single thing, like I know, I gotta be careful on what kind of truth they're telling me, or what version of truth that they're giving me, because they don't wanna upset me or they don't wanna, you know, whatever. And at the same time, like, just like with that inverse relationship that you're saying, I think it's so true, it does strengthen that relationship. It does, you know, create a bond of trust. Like they, they know that you're going to give them, as hard as it may be or as uncomfortable as it may be. They know that they can value your opinion because, like it or not, you're going to give them the, the truth that they need to hear, not what they want to hear you teach people how to treat you right like, don't, like, don't come to me.

Speaker 1: 28:30

If you don't want the truth, like, if you want somebody to appease you, then go ask. Like like literally everybody else, but if you want the truth, then you come to me. I would like to be I don't know about you devon, but I would like to be known as that person in my life. Like it's's disingenuous as well, not to say the other thing that's not disingenuine is like you don't say something in the moment, but then you go and gossip about it to somebody else. There's this idea that it's like you are hoping that this person looks like an idiot, or that they fail, or that they fall on their face or whatever. You're just waiting for it so you can step on their, their back and benefit from it. Somehow there are people like that in the world. Right, we're that's again, I hope that we only have like have to deal with a few of those people in our life, but they do exist. But the what we want is like you know what the stoics talk about. I think it's. Seneca says this, he says or that marcus aurelius is one of those guys. He talks about this idea of like being like a smelly goat, like when you're in the room, people know that you're there, right. In other words, if I'm in the room, there's there's going to be truth. I'm going to say what needs to be said. I'm going to say what I see, again, just for the audience. It's not the asshole piece, it's not it. It's the other bit, which is that if I don't say something right now, the last thing I want is, three months from now, someone's saying why didn't you tell me sooner? You know, like I don't want, I don't want that to happen. So if I see something that's you're about to make a mistake or um, you know you're doing something that's kind of like it's making you look like an idiot or whatever it might be, we're going to have a chat about it and it's going to be great because I'm here to help you. Anyway, that's what I want. I want to support you and help you to be better, right. That's what it's all about.

Speaker 1: 30:12

So I think the people pleasing piece, the how it manifests itself, I think, is in. I think you do have to. You know, one of the gaps devon I'll say here is that I've struggled with this with my clients a little is that they don't have a big enough vocabulary to describe how they feel in certain situations. So like sad, happy, angry, not really good enough, right, frustrated, worried, anxious, still not really that good of contempt, resentment, like now we're getting somewhere. It's like we need to get these layers in place.

Speaker 1: 30:49

You need to be truly honest with yourself about how you feel, with where you're, at, what situations you're in, um, how you feel about the thing you didn't say. If you can get, I think there's a something to tap into there which is a signal that you are not really being true to who you want to be or who you are, and therefore not truthful to the people around you. Like, if people can't trust your what you say, then like that to me, that's just, that's a major problem, right, it's a major problem. And so I think you know the people I think about is like michael scott or david brent from the office. If you're in the uk or the us. That's a guy, that's a people pleaser, right, he wants to be liked by absolutely everybody and, as a result, nobody likes him, you know. So, um, but, yeah, I think there's I don't know how if you have anything to add, devon, about how people pleasing manifests itself.

Speaker 2: 31:46

But certainly those are the, those are the big ones, I think no, I mean, I think you you hit the nail on the head. I mean, obviously that's why you're the professional in it. But yeah, I mean, if you feel, if you feel like you're saying yes to something and then, right before you're about to do it, you're you catch yourself being like, man, I wish I didn't have to do this right now. And and then you're like all right, pumping yourself up and put a smile on to go do it Like you're people pleasing right. If you're looking at an appointment on your calendar and you're like, oh man, I wish I don't want to do this or I wish that person didn't schedule, it's like why did you schedule them?

Speaker 2: 32:18

It is also one of the most like liberating things to and as easy as it is you know there's this word in the dictionary. It's no right and it's hard to say that, but sometimes, saying it, it's the feeling you get from just being able to have that self-confidence and that self-awareness that not everything's going to line up with you, not everything's in line up with what you got going on, and being able to say no, like I don't want to do that, and not have to give an explanation why. It does help Cause then if you say yes to people, please are you showing up as the best version of you, right Cause, any, any person. You show up as like that's a resignation or that's an imprint of who you are in that person's eyes. They're going to tell that some you know. Oh, that person showed up and they were like X Right, and it's like do you want that to be how people are? Are kind of spreading your name or referring you as yeah, I think no is so important.

Speaker 1: 33:18

There's two things that I did in the last 12 to 18 months that I think challenged me to push me outside my comfort zone a little bit. One of them was to make more asks. Right, I think we hold like we don't want to again. We're back to the same thing. I don't want to annoy people, I don't want to take a people's time, I don't like. This is all people pleasing, and I was like I'm actually going to make more asks, asks, asks, as in. Can you help me? Hey, I'm looking to work with someone like this, who do you know? Hey, I'd love to work with you. What could that look like? Hey, I need a testimonial or a referral or an introduction. Could you make that for me? Like those types of asks, and people don't do those things because they're afraid of like. They afraid of like. They just don't want to take up people's time. It's like people want to help, we want to help. So that's one side.

Speaker 1: 34:07

The other side, the other challenge I gave myself, was to tally up, like not just tally up, but increasingly say no to higher and higher stake things right when it makes sense. Obviously it's not like a game, as in, I said no to something that was actually a good opportunity for me. I'm not going to do that, but ultimately saying no's to things that are taking me off, distracting me to other things. Um, I said no to a business partnership last year. I've said no to a couple of big things this year that I actually felt like like I really, under normal circumstances, I would probably have got on the plane and taken two days out and all the rest of it, but I had something more important for me at home. Had I not had agreed with myself about what's actually important for me right now, then I would have been saying yes to lots of things.

Speaker 1: 34:52

It's quite interesting to me that we're back to the internal piece. Like I say this it's sort's our business. It's actually quite interesting how you can transfer a lot of business stuff into normal life. I'll give you an example a 90-day strategy in your business. If you've got a really clear 90-day plan for your business, you know immediately what a distraction is like you should be saying no to everything else apart from what's in the strategy. That's, that's great. Similarly, similarly in your life. If you know what's important for you right now, like if, for example, you're taking care of your health, your gym, your diet, all of that you're probably going to turn down the opportunity to do some travel because that's going to throw everything off. Point being is like if you want to feel confident saying no, the first thing you need to do is work on what's important to get your yes Right. What's the yes that should be important?

Speaker 2: 35:46

Definitely no. I agree with that, and that's that's the thing is, you have to put your priorities in order and realize that you, as much as people pride themselves on being able to multitask and, you know, do multiple things at once it's in reality you're you're not going to get as much done if you're multitasking, but you're also not going to get it as done as well as you could have if you put your full attention to it. So I think that what you said you know it does hold a lot of weight. As we wrap up, I like to ask one question, right, and this question is the legacy wall question, right? So, on the Chris Marr legacy wall, what is one lesson that you've learned along your entire life's journey that you would leave for the up and coming generations?

Speaker 1: 36:32

Yeah, so that's a great question. My immediate thought here is something specific to do with skill acquisition. I think we're getting into a phase now where a lot of people are questioning our education systems schooling degrees, university, mbas, all that sort of stuff and I would love for people to realize that or understand that their fastest way, their quickest way to success is to acquire skills, which is not going to university and reading textbooks and passing exams or being academically proficient or effective. It's like what are the skills that you need to acquire? You've got YouTube, you've got coaches, you've got podcasts like this. Where can you go learn the skills, acquire them quickly, get them into your practice and be successful?

Speaker 1: 37:25

I think, like if you realize that, like your career trajectory is based on skill acquisition, I would love if I went back and I was able to tell myself something like that at 20 years old. I think there would have been a speeding up, perhaps in a lot of areas where I was like I'm just one more skill, one more skill, get the skill, get the skill. And if you've lacked confidence in any area, it's not a confidence issue, it's a skill issue. You need to acquire the skill to feel more confident in that area. So I think I would like, I want that, that like I'm just thinking about what I tell my kids. It's like you're just you, just you know. If they come in, they're like I'm having this problem where I'm not feeling confident. It's like what's the skill? How do I teach you, how do we practice it? It's like that's it To me, that's the key to success.

Speaker 2: 38:11

No, I, honestly, I love that. It is, it is true, like skills are everything right, and it's not like you need to go out and learn to be an electrician. But do you not know how to sell when you're trying to open a business? Well, go acquire the skill of selling, go take, and that's not and a lot of skills. It's not like you learn it and you're done, like there's levels to each of the skills, right. So, skill acquisition, I would almost like take it a step further and be like the skill acquisition, realizing that there's levels to the each skill, and acquire each of those levels as you, as it comes. So I love that.

Speaker 2: 38:45

I mean that's the first time someone has mentioned that, so that I think that's so awesome, that's so true. Where can people connect with you and uh and get your book and and you know you can reach out?

Speaker 1: 38:55

Yeah, devin, thanks for that. Um, the Instagram is the best platform for me. Yeah, devin, thanks for that. Um, the Instagram's the best platform for me. It's like my. That's where I live, really. It's got all my recent content. So if you're listening to this and you want to get a little bit more of this, then head over to Instagram at the authoritative coach and you'll find all my stuff there. You can also DM me there as well. So if you've got a question or something you want to pick my brain about, then you can dive into the DMs there. And, of course, the author of coachcom You'll find out about my book there and any other programs that I'm running, or whatever, my podcast, my blogs everything's there as well. So those are the two main places Perfect.

Speaker 2: 39:28

Well, you guys heard it. It'll be in the show notes, but you know, chris, I want to say thank you again for taking the time out of your day. And, guys, if you're listening, make sure you guys share this episode with a friend, right? And the reason I say that is because when you level up your circle, your circle tends to level you up as well. So you're doing yourself a favor by sharing this with a friend and helping them grow. In turn, you grow. So, chris, again, thank you so much for taking the time out of your day.

Speaker 1: 39:54

Thanks, devin, it was awesome. Only positive thoughts. Missing the game. Life. Mindset causes shits, got my mind on the prize. I can't be distracted. I stay on my grind. No time to be slackin'. I hustle harder. I go against the current Cause. I know my mind is rich to be collected.